Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really cooked.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud.

And then there's mud. That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but

tranquilizer. Not all mud.

And the door had to be taken off by the hinges so that Walter could get out of

the bathroom.

And that's how we started our honeymoon.

I have a little verse I wrote for your anniversary.

Oh, Vivian, thank you. You know, she does this every year.

May this marriage last.

May it never falter.

Barney, Chester, and Albert can't compare to Walt.

Darling, that's beautiful.

You know, this one almost topped the one you wrote last year. How did that one

go? Oh, I know, I know. I hope this marriage won't end in divorce.

You've had enough husbands to choke a horse.

Honestly, I've always had more fun with your husbands.

Not as much fun as I've had with them.

So far as I know.

Well, what are friends for?

Where is, um... Walter. Yeah, Walter.

Anyway. Now, he's still asleep. Do you know that he was up until two o 'clock

this morning playing that new electric organ?

If you could call it playing, and it was quarter to three.

Come on, now, honey. His playing isn't all that bad.

She can say what she like, but I'll tell you one thing. He ain't gonna make the

world forget about Fats Domino.

That's a charm.

Ooh,

the ice cream melted all over the other groceries.

Well, that's life, lady. You order ice cream, you gotta take your chances.

Hey, lady.

No tip?

You deliver melted ice cream, you thog up all my green stamps, and you expect a

tip?

Why not?

Sunny, sunny, sunny, sunny.

Let me tell you something very important about life.

Never, never accept money you have not earned.

Or you're liable to grow up and be vice president.

Come on, honey, lunch.

Here, Florida, do something with this mess.

Just what I've always wanted, grocery a la mode.

telling me that Walter bought that electric organ as an anniversary

That isn't all I told her.

Oh, come on now, honey. Stop being so ungrateful.

That organ's only been in the house for three days.

I mean, besides, Walter brought it here so that the entire family could enjoy

it. Oh, no, I think that's a lovely idea.

Want to take my place in the family?

And to think I carried you high for nine months to be sure you'd be a girl.

Walter. Now, come on. Be a little tolerant.

I mean, you've seen that look of joy on his face. He is having the time of his

life playing that organ.

Now, give the man a break.

I'd like to give him ten breaks, one for each finger.

When he passes that organ, I bet he cannot resist playing it.

He couldn't.

If that's his idea of rhythm, it's a good thing he ain't Catholic.

How can you stand that?

Oh, come on now, Viv. You know Walter.

Honey, this is just a phase he's going through. How long did he use the

exocycle? About a week.

And the jogging lasted five days. How long before he gave up kung fu? He

two proverbs.

I mean, the man has few enough pleasures.

And please, God, this one will go in a few days.

Sweetheart, love, would you mind playing a little bit softer?

Thank you, dear, thank you.

Listen, sweetheart, I mean, don't misunderstand me. I love your playing.

Sweetheart, I love you for enjoying me so much.

Lots of wives would be impatient, but not you, Maud. You're not impatient.

No, I'm insane.

chorus of Old Black Joe, I'm going out there and put Massa in the cold, cold

ground.

Gloria, you should see him. He is so adorable.

I mean, his little furry fingers flying up and down the leaves.

His little fuzzy feet pumping away at the pedals.

Oh, I love the way he looks when he plays. I love the way he feels. I love

minute of it.

Why couldn't he have taken up the piccolo?

Uh, what? What is that tune he keeps playing?

Vivian, that's Walter's version of Old Black Joe.

Poor Joe.

It ain't bad enough he's old and he's black.

Sweetheart. Darling.

Later, Maud. Listen, I think I'm getting the hang of it. Speaking of hanging,

Maud.

Maud, I know what you're thinking.

You do, sweetheart? But this isn't going to be one of my passing fanfies. Oh,

it's not. I make you a solemn promise. I'm going to play this for the rest of

life.

The rest of your life.

God will get me for what I'm thinking.

Now, lunch, dear, lunch. In a minute.

Hello?

What? No, I can't. Wait a minute. Walter, please, darling, I'm on the

Hello? Oh, hello, Mr. Henderson.

Yeah, that's right, Walter's playing.

Are you enjoying it as much as we are?

That much.

Yeah, all right, I will.

Goodbye.

Walter, sweetheart, every time you play, the neighbors call.

Yeah? And threaded through all their conversations are the same two words,

vigilante committee.

They're just jealous.

There is something I'd like you to play. What?

Golf. Now, will you knock it off?

I thought you loved music.

I do, my sweet, and someday we'll listen to some together.

Okay, okay, wait a minute.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

I know I'm no Liberace, and so if it's bothering you, I'll just put it

else. Now, let's see, where can I put it?

yourself a 50 -year -old man to your grandson?

Or he makes noise in every room in the house. I mean, he's got a kazoo and a

transistor radio. You are equating your own grandson to an electric organ?

Grubby Walter.

Grubby Walter.

What do you want me to do? Throw him out? All right, I will.

I love Philip, and of course they want him to stay here.

Tonight, when you come crawling up those stairs to me, no amnesty.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary, Walter.

Come on, what happened? Oh, your friend is the most selfish, stubborn,

bullheaded, arrogant... Argumentative.

Argumentative. Pig -headed. Pig -headed. Chauvinistic. Exactly.

Funny, I've always got along with him.

And you can have him. If I never see him again, it'll be too soon.

Come on, don't panic.

Me panic?

Oh, please, if you'd just bring my Walter back to me. I promise, I promise

never argue with him again.

I'll never argue with you again. Walter!

Oh,

Walter, oh, Walter. Oh, don't. Oh, Walter, Walter.

Oh, thank heavens you're alive.

Sweetheart, when I felt the car spin out of control and I saw that tree coming

at me, I could only think of one thing.

Sweetheart. I thought I would never play the organ again.

Hi,

everybody. Hello, Arthur.

Where are all the happy honeymooners? At their favorite restaurant. They're out

celebrating their delayed fifth anniversary tonight.

Ah, that's right.

Well, here's the prescription your mother wanted for her headache. Oh,

you. You know, if she could ever get rid of those lousy headaches, everything

would be perfect around here.

Yeah. You wouldn't believe the peace and quiet around this house for the last

four days.

It's eerie.

The only noise we've heard all week was after Mr. Finley ate radishes.

Ever since the accident, Maude and Walter have been cooing like two doves.

Well, the radishes have made a great change in the neighborhood.

People can sleep now with their windows open.

to fight or argue again.

It's kind of like death takes a holiday.

You know what it is?

After four days, finally, they've discovered the way to a happy marriage.

Having a good time, sweetheart?

Oh, marvelous, John.

How about you do?

Delicious.

You know, I can't remember a more fun -filled evening.

Walter, dear, you're humming again.

I am? Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, that's all right, dear. I like it. I like your

You do?

I'd like it even more if you'd hum the same tune the orchestra's playing.

What's the matter, dear? You got another headache?

Same one.

You got an aspirin?

Oh!

I'm sorry.

About what?

I, uh,

I stepped on your toe.

You know, I didn't even notice. Was that you?

You know, darling, we really are very lucky.

I'll say.

Finding a parking place right out front.

Sweetheart, I meant about your accident the other day. Oh, yeah.

Darling, not that I mind, but, you know, ever since the accident, you've had

this nervous habit.

All you do is hum.

That's funny. I wasn't aware of it. Yeah, well, not that I mind your hum.

You still have that headache.

No, this is a new one. The other one went away when you stepped on my foot.

I'm sorry.

Sweetheart, to us.

To five years of wedded bliss.

And to the past four days, Walter. Four days without one single argument. The

happiest four days of our lives.

Good martini. And a good Shirley Temple, too. Very good.

Good.

Having a good time, dear?

Oh, better than good.

Good.

How about you, dear? You having a good time?

Good.

You know, Walter, if I were president, this is one conversation I wouldn't

I'm really having a good time, Ward, but I have to confess.

I used to have better good times with you.

There seems to be something missing.

You've noticed that, too. There is something missing, Walter. I wonder what

is. I don't know. I mean, it's nothing I can put my finger on.

Wait a minute.

We used to laugh a lot when we had good times before.

That's what's missing. Of course, laughter.

That's probably what it is.

That's not it.

It starts here, and then it goes over the eye, down to my ear, where there's

kind of a dull pounding, and then around the neck, across the shoulder, around

the clavicle, where it sort of has a throbbing sensation, and from there,

the spinal cord.

Enjoy your dinner. Thank you. It stops at the base of my sacroiliac. Walter,

stand up.

For what?

You're humming the Star -Spangled Banner.

What's the matter, Maude?

Nothing, nothing.

Is there something wrong with your steak? No, fine, fine.

Then why did you make a face?

I didn't make a face.

I saw you make a face, Maude. I know when you make a face, you went like

And I know what I'm talking about. When you lower your voice.

You went like this, Maude.

There's something wrong with your steak.

Philippe! I said there's nothing wrong with my steak. Is everything all right?

Fine, Philippe. Philippe, Maude doesn't like her steak. Bring her another one.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't want another one. This one's fine.

Philippe, she made a face like this.

She made a face like that, or... Yes, and bring her another steak.

I did not make a face like this.

I made a face like this.

I must get you another steak. Good.

I don't want another steak. Please lower your voice. I will not lower my voice

and bring her another steak. Well, perhaps Monsieur would like another

No.

I don't want another steak. Please lower your voice. I will not lower my voice.

Everyone is staring at you. Good. Let him stare and you can tell us all what's

wrong with your steak. You want to know what's wrong with the steak? I'll tell

you what's wrong with the steak. They took a perfectly good piece of well

prime beef and they ruined it.

horse it came from and use it as a saddle.

Thank you, Philippe. It's fine.

The chef will be pleased.

Mark, why did you order it well done? You usually order it medium. Never in a

French restaurant, Walter. They always undercook their meat.

Then let me send it back for you. Why suffer?

but would you mind lowering your voices?

Mother and I are celebrating our wedding anniversary.

What do you think this mother and I are...

embarrassed me in front of the soprano.

God.

No kidding.

And I'm not humming.

I don't think I'm humming. Am I humming, Lord?

Sweetheart, you haven't hummed since you started yelling.

Oh, darling, don't you see what's happening?

That wasn't us.

That's right. How can two people in love live together without conflict?

Okay, everybody!

Announcement! Announcement!

We're going to shut up now.

Oh, sweetheart.

I'm really beginning to have a good time. Oh, so am I, darling. And I

you. I will never not argue with you again.

Happy anniversary to you. Happy anniversary to you.

Happy anniversary, Mr.

and Mrs. Finley. Happy anniversary.

I hear things are back to normal with Maggie and Jiggs. That's right. The

ceasefire ended at midnight.

Well, I suppose it's over.

I'll be glad when you go and you rascal

you.

Hi, Florida.

Thanks for taking care of baby.

agreed to let me play the organ, and I agreed to let her take up an instrument

too. Oh, Lord.

I bet she's going to take up the harmonica again.

was recorded on tape before a live...