Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Separate the yolks from the whites, making sure that none of the yolks

I don't know how they ever lay them without breaking them.

cakes for me? No.

It's for the city sewage system.

You're getting frozen waffles.

Boy, you're in some mood this morning. I suppose a good morning kiss is out of

the question.

Is the Pope Jewish?

Walter, how could you possibly expect a good morning kiss after what you did to

me last night?

What did I do to you last night? Nothing.

That is nothing except followed by followed by the drowning

man's groan.

From midnight till 7 .30 this morning, Walter, you were one continual 3

.45, I almost tossed you a fish.

Are you trying to tell me again that I snored all night?

Walter, you didn't even stop when you got up to go to the bathroom.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

If I snored that much and that loud, I'd not only wake you up, I'd wake me up.

Walter, there's only one thing that could possibly wake you up in the middle

the night.

And as the years tick on, that's becoming more and more out of the

Good morning, breakfast clubbers. It's nice to greet you. Good morning,

breakfast clubbers. It's nice.

Not so nice, huh?

We've had better Sunday mornings, Arthur. Mort insists that my snoring

up all last night. Oh.

That's too bad, Marty.

Well, there's only one answer to that problem.

Separate bedrooms.

That's the understanding that Agnes and I finally came to. No use keeping each

other up. So, Agnes decided to sleep alone.

Agnes died, Arthur. I don't think I...

Well,

you've got a point there, Marty.

As a matter of fact, that's how I found out she died.

She stopped snoring.

I heard just one last... And she was gone.

Carol's fiancé is down for the weekend. We have a big surprise for both of them,

and I want Walter here when we tell him. That's your surprise, Mort. I don't

want any part of it. What's the surprise?

Arthur, what could it be? You know they're going to be getting married

soon. You know I'm in real estate, and you know they're going to need a place

live. I've got it. I've got it.

You found them a house.

Arthur, you are so perceptive.

Is he brilliant, Walter?

You know, we really need brains like yours in Washington.

On second thought, we already have brains like yours.

You know, Marty, selecting a house is a very

personal matter. How do you know they'll like it? She doesn't. You're meddling.

What is so wrong with wanting to give two wonderful kids a start in life?

Maude, not everyone needs their parents' help. Look at us.

Your mother didn't help us when we got married. She certainly did help us. How?

She never even came around. That's how.

You're not going to get in the middle of this.

I will say this, however.

You make a great mistake if you make things too easy for Chris and Carol.

Nobody gave me a helping hand.

The day I graduated from medical school, my father said to me, Arthur, he said,

you're on your own. You get no help from me.

And just to prove that he meant it, he retired the very day I took over his

medical practice.

Honey, in Chris's honor, we'll have brunch in the dining room. Help me set

table. What about Carol?

Carol is with Chris.

Now help me set the table, or from now on, a certain very heavy snorer will be

sleeping with two Q -tips up his nose.

Morning, Grandma. Morning. Hi there, honey. Wait a minute, wait a minute. I

to be sure you're all bundled up.

It's a very cold day, and you have a long walk to church.

Grandma, can I ask you and Grandpa a question?

Of course, honey. It's one of the reasons we're here, to answer any

you may have for your grandma and your grandpa.

How come I'm the only one in the house who has to go to church?

Um, that's a question for your grandpa.

Thanks, Maud.

Well, you see, Philip, religion is kind of a funny thing.

Not at our church.

Well, I didn't mean that kind of funny thing.

Well, let's look at it this way.

Your grandmother and I don't go to church because, well, because we're

people. I see older people in church. What about them?

Oh, those older people.

You mean the ones in the choir. Well, you see, they like to sing.

How about the older people in the pews?

Older people in the pews.

Maybe that's a question for Grandma.

Older people in the pews.

Yeah, well, they are the families of the people in the choir, you see.

And they are forced to go to church to listen to their relatives.

Run along now. Oh, Walter, that's no answer.

Philip.

Philip, I'm going to level with you.

Your grandfather and I don't go to church because... Well, we're

hypocritical. How come you're hypocritical and I'm Presbyterian?

Um... Well, that's because we hypocrites so far don't have our own church.

Anyway, honey, going to church now and learning all you can about religion and

God will make you a better person when you get older.

And then can I become a hypocrite?

Unfortunately, that's the way it usually turns out.

Johnny, I hope the church is going to be late.

Okay, Mom.

Mother, these two sweaters you bought me last week, which one shall I wear

today? Oh, honey, whichever you like better. They're both beautiful.

All right, I'll wear the blue one.

Good. I'll return the yellow one tomorrow.

Why should you return the yellow one? Well, you obviously don't like the

one. Oh, Mother, I love the yellow one.

Then why are you wearing the blue one?

Well, you just said they were both...

What's the use? I'll wear the yellow one. Good. I'll return the blue one

tomorrow.

Walter, you're impossible.

I'm impossible? What do you mean I'm impossible? I can only wear one sweater

a time. If I wear the blue one, it doesn't mean I don't like the yellow

like the yellow one.

Will you two stop squabbling? It's Sunday.

Walter's right. We shouldn't be fighting.

So I bought you two sweaters, and you don't like them. I'll return them both

tomorrow.

Yes. Hi, honey. Did you sleep well?

Just great, Maude. Good.

What if Chris is here? Time for our surprise.

What surprise?

No, Mort, it's your surprise. It is our surprise.

No, Mort, it's your surprise. But since you like surprises, I have a surprise

for you. Come here.

Our surprise can wait. What's your surprise?

Close your eyes.

I have a special surprise that I've been saving just for you.

No peeking. I'm not peeking.

Are you ready? Ready.

Surprise!

Isn't he wonderful? I mean, he's so unselfish. He wants me to get all the

pleasure out of telling you our surprise.

Come on, sit down.

Sit down.

I've got to admit, he's got me intrigued.

Intrigued is just for starters.

When I tell you what I have to tell you, the two of you will be jumping up and

down for joy. Mother, I know surprise is excitement, but I've never seen you so

full of it before.

Full of what before?

Oh, oh, excitement.

Honey, I am full of excitement.

What other mother has the opportunity to make her kids so happy?

Come on, Wendy, come on. All right, all right.

Now, first,

In seven or eight months, when Chris comes down to New York, the two of you

going to be married, right?

Right. Now, when that glorious moment comes, you will need what?

A house, right?

The surprise is a house?

Not just a house.

The house.

Honey, it just came on the market, and it is a steal.

Two baths, three bedrooms.

And it's a two -story colonial just like you and Chris have been talking about.

With a fireplace?

A fireplace?

Two fireplaces.

One in the living room and one in the master bedroom.

In the evenings, you can get romantic downstairs without having to go

And in the mornings, you can get romantic upstairs without having to come

downstairs.

Sounds fantastic.

Yeah. And if we play it smart, we can put a can of sterno on the staircase.

Honey, just to make sure that nobody else had a chance to get it, Walter and

put down a deposit.

Our wedding gift to you.

Wait a minute.

Mother, you put a deposit on a house without asking him?

Mother, that's very nice, but Chris and I want to pick out our own house.

But, honey, you haven't even seen it yet.

Sweetheart, all I want... Look, look at it. If you don't like it, fine.

But I know you love it. Honey, all I want you to do is look at it and fall in

love with it.

Okay? Well, Maude, it's just that Carol and I would like to feel we're on our

own. Honey, you are on your own. You'll do everything else yourself. Mother. I

promise I will not raise a hand. Mother. You can repaint the house yourselves.

You can furnish it. Mother.

Sweetheart. I know you kids want to be on your own. I appreciate that.

Okay?

Right. Well, look at the house.

Maude, thank you. Really.

Well,

where is the school? Ah, the location. Honey, that is the best part of all. Ten

minutes from the railroad station.

The best schools in the entire county. Lovely neighbors and close to all the

shopping centers.

That's too good to be true. Maude, come on. When can we see it? Right now. Oh,

good.

It's that white one right across the street.

Come on, you two lovebirds. Come on, get your coats on. Time to look at your

dream house.

Here are the keys to paradise.

Look at those faces.

Oh, honey, you know, I can't tell you how relieved I am. You know, I got the

house on some kind of a crazy impulse, and I was so worried that you'd take it

the wrong way. Do you know that I was actually terrified, Carol, that you

be narrow -minded enough to say, Mother, I don't want to live across the street

from you.

Mother, I don't want to live across the street from you.

Come on, honey, let's look at that.

Mother, I really don't want to live across the street from you. Carol,

think what Carol is trying to say is she really doesn't want to live across the

street from you.

Well, I don't blame her. I haven't told her yet about the rumpus room in the

basement. Honey, the present owners have agreed to leave the moose hanging over

the bar.

There was a cat. There's always a cat someplace.

Oh, wait a minute. I don't mean the whole moose, Carol. I'm just talking

the horn.

Mother!

Carol, here I find you a beautiful two -story house with two fireplaces, and

you're acting like it was an outhouse in Siberia.

Mother, I love that house.

You want to give us a wedding present?

How much would it cost to move that house to another state?

you're feeling, but don't you think you're being a little rough on your

That's easy for you to say. You haven't lived with her for 28 years.

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Mother, please. I love you. I love you, but Chris and I would like to live our

own lives.

Oh, hi, Carol. Gee, you sound just like your mother. That's a rotten thing to

say.

Well, thank you, Carol.

Mother, all I mean is...

I don't want to be thought of as a younger version of you.

I have got to be me. I've got to be me.

You sound just like Sammy Davis Jr.

Of course, if you're ashamed of me. Oh, Mother, please, don't pull that ashamed

of me bit with a sigh. You see, Chris, you see what I have to put up with?

Mother,

don't sigh.

how my daughter twists my words around?

I sigh twice and she makes me sound like Dracula.

What kind of a monster is she making me out to be? What kind of monster? Freeze,

Roy! What? Freeze right there.

Now turn towards the mirror.

That's what kind of monster.

A well -meaning mother. In short, a meddler monster.

Your Lord, through your wisdom, you've made me see what I really am.

Unhappily married.

And as for you, Carol, you and Chris can live anywhere you want. Pennsylvania,

New Hampshire, New Jersey, Guam, Paraguay. So far as I'm concerned, you

to Tibet and raise monks.

Carol, if you don't mind my saying...

I didn't know that.

Maud.

Maud, what are you doing? I'm putting on eye shadow.

Whenever I'm upset, I put on eye shadow.

Keeps my hands busy so I can't slash my wrists.

Maud, all children want to live away from their parents when they marry.

I know all children want to live away from their parents. I can accept that.

I mean, the house isn't that important.

I can get rid of it in two minutes.

Carol hates me.

She doesn't hate you. Walter, you heard her. What we're talking about is bigger

than a two -story house.

We're talking about me.

I wouldn't touch that line with a ten -foot pole.

Walter, don't you realize that you're looking at a woman who has just found

that her daughter has resented her for 28 years?

What do I do now?

I've just run out of eyes.

Maud, you interfered with Carol's life and she rebelled.

Don't you feel exactly the same way when your mother does that to you? Oh, come

on, Walter, that's totally different. What's different about it? Walter, my

mother is listed in the Guinness Book of Records.

She is the world champion at being able to drive anybody up the wall in two and

a half seconds.

Sweetheart, are you listening to yourself?

You're right.

Walter,

I should never have even looked at that house without consulting Carol.

I was afraid she'd react this way, and I went right ahead and did it. Why do I

do things like this? Why?

Because she's your daughter and you're her mother.

More, do you want to make up to her?

Go downstairs and make up. Oh, Walter.

Walter, what I put those kids through down there, do you know what I did? I

pulled rank, Walter.

I used my position as a mother to browbeat them.

I'm sure they just feel so guilty about all this.

Darling, just go down and speak to them.

In a minute, Walter.

I want them to feel guilty a while longer.

Carol, what are you so worried about? There is no way we're going to live

the street from your mother. Then why did you yell at me?

I did not yell at you.

But frankly, you could have treated your mother with a little more diplomacy.

You know, I'm a little surprised at your temper.

Frankly, it flares, Carol. A definite flare.

So you found out I have a temper.

So is that such a big deal? No, but you don't always have to lose it in front of

your mother. What is so sacred about my mother? She's not a saint. I never said

she was a saint. Not so loud. You'll ruin her day.

What? You're soft on mothers.

That is not true.

Oh, what about your mother?

I'd rather not discuss that.

What's the matter? I don't blame you.

What?

Why don't I just go back up to Boston before I get the whole weekend and I'll

call you Monday? If that's what you want to do, go.

Oh, so you just let me walk out of here? Children.

In this house, we do not raise our voices.

I was silly and impulsive and very unfair.

You kids should live anywhere you want.

Now, let's forget about the house.

Mother, thank you very much, but right now I couldn't care less.

Carol, don't apologize just to spare my feelings.

Mother, Chris and I have a personal problem. If you don't mind, I'd prefer

you'd butt out.

Carol, don't yell at your mother like that. The least you can do is let the

woman talk.

Let the woman talk?

Let this woman talk.

And to think I was willing to live across the street from you.

Mother, you are driving me crazy. Carol. And so are you.

Well.

Okay.

If you people will just excuse me, I think I'll take a walk. Chris. A nice

walk. Chris.

You know, Carol, I don't blame him for walking out. In my entire life. life, I

have never, but never seen a woman treat a man like that.

Walter,

are you trying to tell me something?

Maud.

First, you try to control where they live.

Then you try to butt into their personal arguments.

Sweetheart, you have to learn to leave them alone.

That's lovely, Walter. That's really beautiful.

If you were turned around the other way, it would have come straight from the

horse's mouth.

Well, I think I'll join Chris for a walk.

You could use a couple of pointers on survival in the Findlay household, also

known as Demolition Derby.

First Chris, then Walter.

That only leaves Philip.

Mother, what's the point?

Carol, there is only one point.

For 28 years, you have resented your mother.

Mother, I do not resent you.

Of course you resent me.

If you don't resent your mother, you're not getting the most out of her.

I only resent you when you meddle.

And you're right for resenting me.

Oh, the way I meddled about the house with Chris, whom you probably love

as much as you love your mother.

It was my fault that he walked out of here. Mother, that's not the reason. We

were having a fight.

Oh, Carol, I deserve it.

Attack me.

Attack me as much as you want, but while you're attacking me, help me set the

table. I don't want to attack you.

It's just that you insist on involving yourself in every little detail of my

life. Like last week when I bought those false eyelashes.

You said they made me look like a $10 call girl.

I said no such thing.

I said wear them and you'd be picked up for soliciting.

See? Did it again.

I'm sorry, honey. I don't know what it is. I promise you from now on I will not

meddle. I will not interfere.

I will not criticize. I will not tell you what to do. And, Carol, those little

forks go to the left.

What? Oh, I did it again.

Sweetheart, only because last Wednesday I was watching Dinah Shore, and she

always put the little forks on the left.

But, Mother, why must I put the little forks on the left? Because Dinah expects

that.

Oh, Carol, why can't mothers and daughters agree on anything? I will

forget that eighth birthday.

My eighth birthday? I don't remember my eighth birthday. I'm talking about my

eighth birthday.

Oh, Carol, I was having a party, and I wanted everything to be perfect. I

chocolate cake and Neapolitan ice cream and hot dogs.

And instead of hot dogs, do you know what my mother served at my eighth

party?

Chop suey.

Chop suey?

And there wasn't a Chinese kid within 200 miles.

Mother, will you stop? You're going to make me cry. It serves you right.

Carol, I can't help myself.

Children resent and mothers interfere.

That comes with the territory.

I know.

You know, after what happened today, I think I'll drive up to Boston with

That's a great idea.

I better pack so we can get an early start and beat the traffic on the

You're not going on the thruway.

Mother, you're meddling.

Carol, you're interrupting.

Now, look, you take the Boston Post Road as far as Stanford, then get off there,

turn north on... All right, all right, all right.

And, Carol, honey, don't slouch.

Well,

Philip, how was church?

Ah, church was okay.

But Sunday school was really neat.

What was so neat about Sunday school?

Well, I told them all about you and Grandpa being hypocrites.

The minister's making you a sermon next Sunday.

Oh, yeah.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.