Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Oh,

Florida, have you seen my studs? No.

And what about my tie?

Is my tie ready? Mr. Finley, I only got two hands.

But, Florida, I need my studs and my tie.

I got a press carrel's no -press jacket.

Mrs. Finley gave me her pumps to polish, and nobody's giving me time to go where

I had to go 20 minutes ago.

I'm not dancing because I got natural rhythm, you know.

But, Florida, I need my studs and my tie now!

It's not every day that Maude and I get an award at a big dinner, and the

committee will be here in less than a half an hour to pick us up. Florida,

please press my tie. If you don't get out of this kitchen, I'm going to bleed

your mustache.

Carol, do you know where Florida put my studs?

Uh -uh.

Oh, Florida, dear. Two minutes. Just two minutes. I still need my tie. Is there

any more hot coffee out there in the kitchen?

But, Florida, I can't go to a mail without my shirt on. Wait a minute!

Now, in case you folks want to re -read the Emancipation Proclamation, it's out

there in the kitchen, printed on the back of a box of Quaker Oats.

Carol, I didn't hear what Florida said. Did she call the cleaners? Eighteen

times, Mother. They said he's on his way.

Mark! Have you seen my studs? I've looked upstairs. I can't find them

downstairs. Now, why is it whenever you need one, you can never find a stud

around here?

I know Walter.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Grace.

Listen, no, I don't... Grace, please, dear, stop crying.

No, look, I can't. Walter and I have to... I know Grace.

I know Grace.

I know Grace. Poor Grace Roberts. Her husband got her in a terrible mess.

Shelby Roberts? I thought he died.

He did die. That's how he got her in a terrible mess.

Something about his will.

I know Grace.

I know Grace.

I know Grace.

John Kleiner? He was supposed to be here at 2 o 'clock this afternoon with my

dress. I'll just have to wear something different.

Listen, Viv, I do value your opinion, so... Well...

Well, I just love them both.

Your taste is in your elbow.

This one is so old, Goodwill sent it to me.

And this green velvet makes me look like a lumpy snooker table.

It's the biggest night of my life, and I look a mess, a mess.

Lord, I can't find my studs anyplace. Where'd you hide them? Walter, you had

them earlier. Did you check your pockets?

Did I check my pockets? Did I check my pockets?

That's a good boy. Now, before you leave the house, make sure to visit Tinkle

Tonkle Town.

Oh, Florida dear, what would you wear to a cocktail party followed by a formal

dinner? Me?

Oh, I just got one choice for those affairs.

I wear basic black, a tiny white apron, and a tray of hors d 'oeuvres.

Just what we need around here. A road company Moms Mabley.

Carol, honey, that's probably my dress.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

Hi, beautiful.

Hey, everybody.

Did you know that my future in -laws are famous?

Let me see. I'll read it. Mr. and Ms. Walter Findlay have been selected as

Westchester County's Husband and Wife of the Year by the American Council for

Women for their contributions to the fight... for the state's ratification of

the Equal Rights Amendment for women. The prominent ramrod will be...

Ramrod? They must be talking about you, Maud. The prominent couple

will be honored tonight in the ramrod room of the Tuckahoe Country Club.

Wait a second, wait a second now.

Maud's the wife of the year. I'm just going along for the ride. Maud, I'm so

proud... Oh, sweetheart, I'm glad you feel that way. Then you won't be too

if I go to the affair tonight stark naked.

Oh, I'll kill that clean... Grace.

I know Grace.

The nerve of that woman.

She hung up on me.

Say, Maude, if you don't have a dress to wear, I may have something you can

cover yourself with.

After I saw the paper this morning, I rushed out to one of those specialty

stores and... Chris!

Walter. You know, I never realized what a beautiful couple we are.

You're very handsome, Walter.

Such nice open pores.

Gosh, I never saw such a big picture in my life.

Looks like a snapshot for Wilt Chamberlain's wallet.

I made a joke!

Arthur's sense of humor must be rubbing off on me. Better on you than on us.

Hello!

Arthur,

you look lovely.

I do, don't I?

And to think that with that shirt and that jacket, you had the innate good

not to clutter it up with earrings and a jeweled coat.

Thank you, Marty.

Hark, what life through yonder living room breaks.

To thee.

And Vivian is the son.

Good heavens, we do bring out the best in each other, don't we?

So did Bonnie and Clyde.

Hey, that is some picture.

That looks like a snapshot for Will Chamberlain's wallet.

That's exactly the same thing I said.

Really? Vivian has a marvelous sense of humor, don't you think so, Molly?

Saved by the bell.

Hello? Oh, hello, Grace.

Listen, no, Grace, I can't talk to you now. No, I am wife of the year.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

Florida, keep saying I know, Grace, every so often until the poor thing

up. I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

You know, life is so full of irony.

I mean, here I am, wife of the year, in the struggle for equal rights for women.

Because of my wonderful, emancipated husband.

And there's poor Grace Roberts. Her husband, Chubby, died and left her with

will that tied up every nickel. Every single nickel.

She'll never forgive him. You know, she puts fresh flowers on his grave every

day just because he had hay fever.

Maude, would you help with this?

The Findlay, husband and wife of the year.

Very clever of you, Walter, to get in on this women's equality thing. What are

you talking about, Arthur? Oh, come on, Monty. You know what an old Fox Walter

is. Women buy washing machines. He sells washing machines.

So? Well, what better way to get in with the ladies than to subscribe to this

equal rights nonsense?

Nonsense?

Forget it, boy. Maybe I better wear my snap -on tie. Just hold still.

Arthur, you can't bear the thought of a woman being your equal, can you? Well,

let me tell you something.

Thirty states have already ratified that amendment.

Only eight more to go, and it's going to be the law of the land.

Well, Matt, I'm not saying the amendment's all bad.

I believe in equal pay for equal jobs.

I think female secretaries should get the same pay as male secretaries. Yeah,

but what about executives, Arthur? How do you feel about equal pay for men and

women executives?

Women shouldn't be executives. They're too emotional.

Too emotional?

See, right away you get emotional.

Can you imagine what it'd be like in this country if we had a woman

Heaven help us if the hotline should ring at the wrong time of the month.

That Nixon is not at all emotional?

That that's just dew that we see on his upper lip?

Stop moving.

Your Adam's apple keeps loosening the tie.

Mort, will you wait a second? Just wait a second.

Arthur, I don't want you to aggravate Mort anymore.

It just so happens that I'm very proud of her, and I'm for women's equality to

100%. What's more, I'll bet you don't even know what the Equal Rights

says. I'll tell you what it says.

Equal Rights Amendment.

Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United

States or any state on account of sex.

That's all?

That's it.

A tangled web of legal mumbo -jumbo, if you ask me.

Honey, you tried.

No,

no, no, no, no. No, this Equal Rights Amendment strikes at the very heart of

American family. We'll end up with a country full of working mothers,

husbands, and crying children. All because of women's lib. Arthur, forget

women's lib. Arthur, forget the so -called movement.

Arthur, this is something bigger than all of that. This is something

unorganized. This is a feeling, Arthur. It's a tidal wave of feeling that is

sweeping through the...

Grace said goodbye.

Now, that ought to scare the termites out of the house.

Coming.

I'm coming.

Well, where have you been? Geez, lady, I had to deliver five tuxedos. A bunch of

nutty dames are dragging their poor husbands to some stupid thing for

rights.

ain't responsible for missing buttons. That'll be $2 .50. Well, you certainly

don't think I'm going to give you $2 .50 for this. I certainly do. Then all your

buttons are missing.

Ruined! Ruined!

Ruined! Ruined, Mother!

Florida can put new buttons on that in a minute. I think I'll help her. Listen,

Mott, just relax. This evening's going to be fine.

Besides, Mott, don't worry if you're a little late. They expect that of a

Expect that of a woman.

That's exactly the kind of thing that I would expect from you, Arthur Harmon.

Thank heavens I am married to Walter, a man who treats women like human beings.

Hello, Grace.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace. You and your male superiority.

You're as bad as Grace's husband, Chubby.

dies and leaves her with a will that absolutely ties her hand and foot. You

that poor thing can't even sell her own home without the trustee's permission?

She can't do anything without the trustee's permission.

Oh, come on, Marty. What Chubby Roberts did for his wife was perfectly

admirable. Appointing a trustee protects the little woman.

Protect my foot?

You mean control.

Well, my Walter doesn't want to control his little woman from the grave. That's

why we're husband and wife of the year. Tell him, Walter. Tell him that you

don't have a trustee to control my life.

All right,

Walter, who's the trustee?

God's wife will get you for this.

Harold Vivian!

I am not going. I am not going. How can I accept an award as the woman of the

year in the fight for equal rights for women when I can't even be equal in my

own home? What are you talking about? No, I will tell the committee when they

get here. You guys go without me. What happened?

We have to go. We're husband and wife of the year.

We are the fraud.

of the year, Walter.

Which just shows you what kind of a year it's been.

Nixon, Agnew, Watergate, now us.

Walter, what if she won't listen to you? No, look, don't worry.

Now, we'll be there.

I guarantee you that if anybody can handle more, I can.

All right, Walter, but I'll tell you this.

As your trustee, I'm sure going to hate to see you die.

When you're gone, she's going to be hell to live with.

Sweetheart, would you make a phone call for me? Of course, honey.

Who do you want me to call? The bank. The bank?

Mort, they have nothing to do with my will. No, honey, I mean the blood bank.

You're going to need it.

Now, look... Walter Finley, how could you do this to me? Mort, please.

We have a plan to stay. We have a trustee because I want you to be

want you to be taken care of after I'm gone. Now, why should that upset you? It

upsets me, Walter, that you don't trust me to take care of my own life. But I do

trust you, Maude. Then why are you trying to control my life from the

I am not trying to control your life from the grave.

Maude, I spent weeks going over my will with my attorneys and my accountants,

making sure that every detail was perfect so that you would be protected.

I don't even understand it all, and I'm a man.

I didn't mean that the way it sounds.

Well, there's a lot at stake if I die.

My assets are going business. Walter, I am not helpless. Haven't you noticed?

Damn it, Maude. If anything should happen to me, that business is your

security. And it's very important to me, too.

I mean, Finley's appliance... Well,

it's so important that it's hard to talk about.

Oh, sweetheart, I understand.

Oh, honey, every man has to leave a piece of himself so that the world will

he's been here.

I mean, Ford left the automobile, and Einstein left a theory, Edison left the

light bulb, and you, you're leaving Findlay's Friendly Appliances.

You do understand. Oh, of course, darling, of course.

Findlay's Appliances is your claim to immortality.

And, Walter, sweetheart, I wouldn't do anything to change that.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to have the A -Y in the neon sign repaired so

that after you're gone, it won't continue to read Findlay's Appliances.

Make jokes if you want to, Maude, but you don't know what it's like out there

for widows. And you do.

It's open season for widows out there, Maud.

And your terrible loneliness and hysterical grief at my tragic passing.

I be sure that you won't fall for some tall, handsome, smooth -talking louse

will pick you clean in six months?

Walter.

Walter.

I love you.

And I'll mourn for you, Walter.

And I'll never want anybody but you, Walter. But, look, let's assume the

You have passed away.

And I have met a tall, handsome, smooth -talking louse who picks me clean in six

months while making mad, passionate love to me.

Walter, allow me to make my own mistakes.

The more I think about it, please let me make my own mistakes.

Walter, darling, trust me. It isn't a question of not trusting you. Yes, it

Walter, and that's all it is. And I don't want to hear another word about

Not another word. If that isn't just like a woman.

A man knocks himself out trying to explain.

If you'll feel better, explain.

All I wanted to say, Mort, everyone's talking at me. Mort, if you...

dear, forget about the dress. I'm not going tonight.

Now, listen, I can't hear you, so if you think I'm doing the right thing by not

going, nod one. If you think I'm wrong, nod twice.

That's enough.

Thank you. I knew I could count on you, Florida. You're going to be a great

comfort to me in my old age when my hearing fails.

Come on, we're going for that dinner.

Screwball City.

Maud, I'm not changing my will because I'm your husband. I'm your protector.

I'm your piece of the rock.

Maud, I married you to take care of you. And not till just death do us part

either, Maud. Because I'm not letting my grieving, helpless little old widow get

taken by some greasy -haired gigolo. Maud! You heard greasy -haired gigolo.

It limped out of your two faces.

Oh, women! There hasn't been a moment's peace in this house since Bobby Riggs

blew it.

Well,

it isn't as far as I'm concerned.

Good evening.

Hi, there.

We're the Hausers, and these are the Cronins. Oh.

We're here to pick up our husband and wife of the year. They'll be down in

one minute. Won't you come in?

I'll tell you another thing.

When I'm gone, I don't want any greasy -haired gigolo moving into my bed

Mr. and Mrs. Finley are still getting dressed.

If I want a greasy -haired gigolo in my bed, that's my business!

And Mrs. Finley is rehearsing her acceptance speech.

Walter, I'm sick and tired of your attitude.

I mean, you're preempting the male role.

Okay, you want to wear the pants of the family?

Okay.

Walter,

if

you are stupid enough to stand around in your undershorts, let me tell you one

thing. What? Our company's here.

the expression on their faces.

Hi there, Housers. Cronins.

See? I just realized something, Walter.

I just realized that I don't want your pants.

I don't want anything of yours.

I'm sorry I'm so late. I'll be down in just a minute.

Walter, you're going?

Of course I'm going. I think I owe you an apology.

If I had known the husband of the year was going to take his pants down, I'd

have done a better job of ironing his shorts.

what I heard you say? All of a sudden, now we're going?

I'm going, Walter. You're not.

You're going? What are you talking about?

Out of my way, Walter. I am a woman, and because I am a woman, I must make

myself beautiful for the dinner tonight.

Good Lord, I have such a wonderful head start.

Now, come on, Ward.

You can't accept the husband and the wife of the year award without a

Walter, I am accepting the wife of the year award.

I have also just become the most liberated woman of the year.

Why didn't I think of it before?

Walter, darling, I have decided I am not accepting your estate.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Of course you're accepting my estate. No, I'm not. I have just cut myself out

your will.

I don't want your protection, Walter. I don't want your money. I don't want

Findle's appliances.

After you're gone, Arthur can take you a piece of the rock and jump in the lake

with it.

You mean that you would give up everything I want to leave you just

don't like my will? That's right. That is absolutely right, Walter.

I would rather be free and poor and struggling on my own than be safe and

under somebody else's control.

Well, I don't believe that I just heard that, and you can't do this to me.

You've got to accept my estate.

Sorry, sweetheart. You had your chance, and like Bobby Riggs, you blew it.

Maud, you've got to accept my estate.

I mean, what'll happen if word gets around? I'll be humiliated. That's your

problem, not mine.

Walter, I am free.

I am free as a bird.

I am Maud Livingston Seagull.

decisions. Stop flopping your wings around. I want to talk to you. Free to

my own mistakes.

I am free of shackles. More shit!

I've had it.

And I want you to listen to me for a change.

Nobody's going to make me a laughingstock at a cemetery.

Stop threatening me.

Ward, no man has ever left his wife everything and had her refuse it. I will

be made a fool of. Now, I'm not asking you. I am telling you. Walter, now

not only threatening me, you're yelling at me.

Ward, please!

All right,

all right.

We won't have a... trustee. I'll give you that one small point, and you can do

anything you want with the estate, but damn it, you're gonna take everything I

got. Do you hear me, Maud? You're taking everything I got, and with no strings

attached.

All right, Walter.

You win, as usual.

I've never been so embarrassed in my life. Oh, come on. To get up at an equal

rights banquet and say, thanks for making me the husband of the year. With

wife, it ain't easy.

Lord, it was a joke. A joke.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.