All language subtitles for maude_s02e11_the_will

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Oh,

Florida, have you seen my studs? No.

And what about my tie?

Is my tie ready? Mr. Finley, I only got
two hands.

But, Florida, I need my studs and my
tie.

I got a press carrel's no -press jacket.

Mrs. Finley gave me her pumps to polish,
and nobody's giving me time to go where

I had to go 20 minutes ago.

I'm not dancing because I got natural
rhythm, you know.

But, Florida, I need my studs and my tie
now!

It's not every day that Maude and I get
an award at a big dinner, and the

committee will be here in less than a
half an hour to pick us up. Florida,

please press my tie. If you don't get
out of this kitchen, I'm going to bleed

your mustache.

Carol, do you know where Florida put my
studs?

Uh -uh.

Oh, Florida, dear. Two minutes. Just two
minutes. I still need my tie. Is there

any more hot coffee out there in the
kitchen?

But, Florida, I can't go to a mail
without my shirt on. Wait a minute!

Now, in case you folks want to re -read
the Emancipation Proclamation, it's out

there in the kitchen, printed on the
back of a box of Quaker Oats.

Carol, I didn't hear what Florida said.
Did she call the cleaners? Eighteen

times, Mother. They said he's on his
way.

Mark! Have you seen my studs? I've
looked upstairs. I can't find them

downstairs. Now, why is it whenever you
need one, you can never find a stud

around here?

I know Walter.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Grace.

Listen, no, I don't... Grace, please,
dear, stop crying.

No, look, I can't. Walter and I have
to... I know Grace.

I know Grace.

I know Grace. Poor Grace Roberts. Her
husband got her in a terrible mess.

Shelby Roberts? I thought he died.

He did die. That's how he got her in a
terrible mess.

Something about his will.

I know Grace.

I know Grace.

I know Grace.

John Kleiner? He was supposed to be here
at 2 o 'clock this afternoon with my

dress. I'll just have to wear something
different.

Listen, Viv, I do value your opinion,
so... Well...

Well, I just love them both.

Your taste is in your elbow.

This one is so old, Goodwill sent it to
me.

And this green velvet makes me look like
a lumpy snooker table.

It's the biggest night of my life, and I
look a mess, a mess.

Lord, I can't find my studs anyplace.
Where'd you hide them? Walter, you had

them earlier. Did you check your
pockets?

Did I check my pockets? Did I check my
pockets?

That's a good boy. Now, before you leave
the house, make sure to visit Tinkle

Tonkle Town.

Oh, Florida dear, what would you wear to
a cocktail party followed by a formal

dinner? Me?

Oh, I just got one choice for those
affairs.

I wear basic black, a tiny white apron,
and a tray of hors d 'oeuvres.

Just what we need around here. A road
company Moms Mabley.

Carol, honey, that's probably my dress.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

Hi, beautiful.

Hey, everybody.

Did you know that my future in -laws are
famous?

Let me see. I'll read it. Mr. and Ms.
Walter Findlay have been selected as

Westchester County's Husband and Wife of
the Year by the American Council for

Women for their contributions to the
fight... for the state's ratification of

the Equal Rights Amendment for women.
The prominent ramrod will be...

Ramrod? They must be talking about you,
Maud. The prominent couple

will be honored tonight in the ramrod
room of the Tuckahoe Country Club.

Wait a second, wait a second now.

Maud's the wife of the year. I'm just
going along for the ride. Maud, I'm so

proud... Oh, sweetheart, I'm glad you
feel that way. Then you won't be too

if I go to the affair tonight stark
naked.

Oh, I'll kill that clean... Grace.

I know Grace.

The nerve of that woman.

She hung up on me.

Say, Maude, if you don't have a dress to
wear, I may have something you can

cover yourself with.

After I saw the paper this morning, I
rushed out to one of those specialty

stores and... Chris!

Walter. You know, I never realized what
a beautiful couple we are.

You're very handsome, Walter.

Such nice open pores.

Gosh, I never saw such a big picture in
my life.

Looks like a snapshot for Wilt
Chamberlain's wallet.

I made a joke!

Arthur's sense of humor must be rubbing
off on me. Better on you than on us.

Hello!

Arthur,

you look lovely.

I do, don't I?

And to think that with that shirt and
that jacket, you had the innate good

not to clutter it up with earrings and a
jeweled coat.

Thank you, Marty.

Hark, what life through yonder living
room breaks.

To thee.

And Vivian is the son.

Good heavens, we do bring out the best
in each other, don't we?

So did Bonnie and Clyde.

Hey, that is some picture.

That looks like a snapshot for Will
Chamberlain's wallet.

That's exactly the same thing I said.

Really? Vivian has a marvelous sense of
humor, don't you think so, Molly?

Saved by the bell.

Hello? Oh, hello, Grace.

Listen, no, Grace, I can't talk to you
now. No, I am wife of the year.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

Florida, keep saying I know, Grace,
every so often until the poor thing

up. I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

You know, life is so full of irony.

I mean, here I am, wife of the year, in
the struggle for equal rights for women.

Because of my wonderful, emancipated
husband.

And there's poor Grace Roberts. Her
husband, Chubby, died and left her with

will that tied up every nickel. Every
single nickel.

She'll never forgive him. You know, she
puts fresh flowers on his grave every

day just because he had hay fever.

Maude, would you help with this?

The Findlay, husband and wife of the
year.

Very clever of you, Walter, to get in on
this women's equality thing. What are

you talking about, Arthur? Oh, come on,
Monty. You know what an old Fox Walter

is. Women buy washing machines. He sells
washing machines.

So? Well, what better way to get in with
the ladies than to subscribe to this

equal rights nonsense?

Nonsense?

Forget it, boy. Maybe I better wear my
snap -on tie. Just hold still.

Arthur, you can't bear the thought of a
woman being your equal, can you? Well,

let me tell you something.

Thirty states have already ratified that
amendment.

Only eight more to go, and it's going to
be the law of the land.

Well, Matt, I'm not saying the
amendment's all bad.

I believe in equal pay for equal jobs.

I think female secretaries should get
the same pay as male secretaries. Yeah,

but what about executives, Arthur? How
do you feel about equal pay for men and

women executives?

Women shouldn't be executives. They're
too emotional.

Too emotional?

See, right away you get emotional.

Can you imagine what it'd be like in
this country if we had a woman

Heaven help us if the hotline should
ring at the wrong time of the month.

That Nixon is not at all emotional?

That that's just dew that we see on his
upper lip?

Stop moving.

Your Adam's apple keeps loosening the
tie.

Mort, will you wait a second? Just wait
a second.

Arthur, I don't want you to aggravate
Mort anymore.

It just so happens that I'm very proud
of her, and I'm for women's equality to

100%. What's more, I'll bet you don't
even know what the Equal Rights

says. I'll tell you what it says.

Equal Rights Amendment.

Equality of rights under the law shall
not be denied or abridged by the United

States or any state on account of sex.

That's all?

That's it.

A tangled web of legal mumbo -jumbo, if
you ask me.

Honey, you tried.

No,

no, no, no, no. No, this Equal Rights
Amendment strikes at the very heart of

American family. We'll end up with a
country full of working mothers,

husbands, and crying children. All
because of women's lib. Arthur, forget

women's lib. Arthur, forget the so
-called movement.

Arthur, this is something bigger than
all of that. This is something

unorganized. This is a feeling, Arthur.
It's a tidal wave of feeling that is

sweeping through the...

Grace said goodbye.

Now, that ought to scare the termites
out of the house.

Coming.

I'm coming.

Well, where have you been? Geez, lady, I
had to deliver five tuxedos. A bunch of

nutty dames are dragging their poor
husbands to some stupid thing for

rights.

ain't responsible for missing buttons.
That'll be $2 .50. Well, you certainly

don't think I'm going to give you $2 .50
for this. I certainly do. Then all your

buttons are missing.

Ruined! Ruined!

Ruined! Ruined, Mother!

Florida can put new buttons on that in a
minute. I think I'll help her. Listen,

Mott, just relax. This evening's going
to be fine.

Besides, Mott, don't worry if you're a
little late. They expect that of a

Expect that of a woman.

That's exactly the kind of thing that I
would expect from you, Arthur Harmon.

Thank heavens I am married to Walter, a
man who treats women like human beings.

Hello, Grace.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace.

I know, Grace. You and your male
superiority.

You're as bad as Grace's husband,
Chubby.

dies and leaves her with a will that
absolutely ties her hand and foot. You

that poor thing can't even sell her own
home without the trustee's permission?

She can't do anything without the
trustee's permission.

Oh, come on, Marty. What Chubby Roberts
did for his wife was perfectly

admirable. Appointing a trustee protects
the little woman.

Protect my foot?

You mean control.

Well, my Walter doesn't want to control
his little woman from the grave. That's

why we're husband and wife of the year.
Tell him, Walter. Tell him that you

don't have a trustee to control my life.

All right,

Walter, who's the trustee?

God's wife will get you for this.

Harold Vivian!

I am not going. I am not going. How can
I accept an award as the woman of the

year in the fight for equal rights for
women when I can't even be equal in my

own home? What are you talking about?
No, I will tell the committee when they

get here. You guys go without me. What
happened?

We have to go. We're husband and wife of
the year.

We are the fraud.

of the year, Walter.

Which just shows you what kind of a year
it's been.

Nixon, Agnew, Watergate, now us.

Walter, what if she won't listen to you?
No, look, don't worry.

Now, we'll be there.

I guarantee you that if anybody can
handle more, I can.

All right, Walter, but I'll tell you
this.

As your trustee, I'm sure going to hate
to see you die.

When you're gone, she's going to be hell
to live with.

Sweetheart, would you make a phone call
for me? Of course, honey.

Who do you want me to call? The bank.
The bank?

Mort, they have nothing to do with my
will. No, honey, I mean the blood bank.

You're going to need it.

Now, look... Walter Finley, how could
you do this to me? Mort, please.

We have a plan to stay. We have a
trustee because I want you to be

want you to be taken care of after I'm
gone. Now, why should that upset you? It

upsets me, Walter, that you don't trust
me to take care of my own life. But I do

trust you, Maude. Then why are you
trying to control my life from the

I am not trying to control your life
from the grave.

Maude, I spent weeks going over my will
with my attorneys and my accountants,

making sure that every detail was
perfect so that you would be protected.

I don't even understand it all, and I'm
a man.

I didn't mean that the way it sounds.

Well, there's a lot at stake if I die.

My assets are going business. Walter, I
am not helpless. Haven't you noticed?

Damn it, Maude. If anything should
happen to me, that business is your

security. And it's very important to me,
too.

I mean, Finley's appliance... Well,

it's so important that it's hard to talk
about.

Oh, sweetheart, I understand.

Oh, honey, every man has to leave a
piece of himself so that the world will

he's been here.

I mean, Ford left the automobile, and
Einstein left a theory, Edison left the

light bulb, and you, you're leaving
Findlay's Friendly Appliances.

You do understand. Oh, of course,
darling, of course.

Findlay's Appliances is your claim to
immortality.

And, Walter, sweetheart, I wouldn't do
anything to change that.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to have
the A -Y in the neon sign repaired so

that after you're gone, it won't
continue to read Findlay's Appliances.

Make jokes if you want to, Maude, but
you don't know what it's like out there

for widows. And you do.

It's open season for widows out there,
Maud.

And your terrible loneliness and
hysterical grief at my tragic passing.

I be sure that you won't fall for some
tall, handsome, smooth -talking louse

will pick you clean in six months?

Walter.

Walter.

I love you.

And I'll mourn for you, Walter.

And I'll never want anybody but you,
Walter. But, look, let's assume the

You have passed away.

And I have met a tall, handsome, smooth
-talking louse who picks me clean in six

months while making mad, passionate love
to me.

Walter, allow me to make my own
mistakes.

The more I think about it, please let me
make my own mistakes.

Walter, darling, trust me. It isn't a
question of not trusting you. Yes, it

Walter, and that's all it is. And I
don't want to hear another word about

Not another word. If that isn't just
like a woman.

A man knocks himself out trying to
explain.

If you'll feel better, explain.

All I wanted to say, Mort, everyone's
talking at me. Mort, if you...

dear, forget about the dress. I'm not
going tonight.

Now, listen, I can't hear you, so if you
think I'm doing the right thing by not

going, nod one. If you think I'm wrong,
nod twice.

That's enough.

Thank you. I knew I could count on you,
Florida. You're going to be a great

comfort to me in my old age when my
hearing fails.

Come on, we're going for that dinner.

Screwball City.

Maud, I'm not changing my will because
I'm your husband. I'm your protector.

I'm your piece of the rock.

Maud, I married you to take care of you.
And not till just death do us part

either, Maud. Because I'm not letting my
grieving, helpless little old widow get

taken by some greasy -haired gigolo.
Maud! You heard greasy -haired gigolo.

It limped out of your two faces.

Oh, women! There hasn't been a moment's
peace in this house since Bobby Riggs

blew it.

Well,

it isn't as far as I'm concerned.

Good evening.

Hi, there.

We're the Hausers, and these are the
Cronins. Oh.

We're here to pick up our husband and
wife of the year. They'll be down in

one minute. Won't you come in?

I'll tell you another thing.

When I'm gone, I don't want any greasy
-haired gigolo moving into my bed

Mr. and Mrs. Finley are still getting
dressed.

If I want a greasy -haired gigolo in my
bed, that's my business!

And Mrs. Finley is rehearsing her
acceptance speech.

Walter, I'm sick and tired of your
attitude.

I mean, you're preempting the male role.

Okay, you want to wear the pants of the
family?

Okay.

Walter,

if

you are stupid enough to stand around in
your undershorts, let me tell you one

thing. What? Our company's here.

the expression on their faces.

Hi there, Housers. Cronins.

See? I just realized something, Walter.

I just realized that I don't want your
pants.

I don't want anything of yours.

I'm sorry I'm so late. I'll be down in
just a minute.

Walter, you're going?

Of course I'm going. I think I owe you
an apology.

If I had known the husband of the year
was going to take his pants down, I'd

have done a better job of ironing his
shorts.

what I heard you say? All of a sudden,
now we're going?

I'm going, Walter. You're not.

You're going? What are you talking
about?

Out of my way, Walter. I am a woman, and
because I am a woman, I must make

myself beautiful for the dinner tonight.

Good Lord, I have such a wonderful head
start.

Now, come on, Ward.

You can't accept the husband and the
wife of the year award without a

Walter, I am accepting the wife of the
year award.

I have also just become the most
liberated woman of the year.

Why didn't I think of it before?

Walter, darling, I have decided I am not
accepting your estate.

What do you mean?

What are you talking about?

Of course you're accepting my estate.
No, I'm not. I have just cut myself out

your will.

I don't want your protection, Walter. I
don't want your money. I don't want

Findle's appliances.

After you're gone, Arthur can take you a
piece of the rock and jump in the lake

with it.

You mean that you would give up
everything I want to leave you just

don't like my will? That's right. That
is absolutely right, Walter.

I would rather be free and poor and
struggling on my own than be safe and

under somebody else's control.

Well, I don't believe that I just heard
that, and you can't do this to me.

You've got to accept my estate.

Sorry, sweetheart. You had your chance,
and like Bobby Riggs, you blew it.

Maud, you've got to accept my estate.

I mean, what'll happen if word gets
around? I'll be humiliated. That's your

problem, not mine.

Walter, I am free.

I am free as a bird.

I am Maud Livingston Seagull.

decisions. Stop flopping your wings
around. I want to talk to you. Free to

my own mistakes.

I am free of shackles. More shit!

I've had it.

And I want you to listen to me for a
change.

Nobody's going to make me a
laughingstock at a cemetery.

Stop threatening me.

Ward, no man has ever left his wife
everything and had her refuse it. I will

be made a fool of. Now, I'm not asking
you. I am telling you. Walter, now

not only threatening me, you're yelling
at me.

Ward, please!

All right,

all right.

We won't have a... trustee. I'll give
you that one small point, and you can do

anything you want with the estate, but
damn it, you're gonna take everything I

got. Do you hear me, Maud? You're taking
everything I got, and with no strings

attached.

All right, Walter.

You win, as usual.

I've never been so embarrassed in my
life. Oh, come on. To get up at an equal

rights banquet and say, thanks for
making me the husband of the year. With

wife, it ain't easy.

Lord, it was a joke. A joke.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.