Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance was...

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

Come on out.

This must be the place.

Hey there, baby.

They call me Cuddles.

Oh, you.

I've heard about you.

I've heard about your lovemaking.

That's nothing.

pizzazz in it. I mean, this is a tribute to burlesque, not the Waldens.

Now, you can meet me around the corner.

You do that once more, I'll

meet you in five minutes.

Listen, I've been sitting out here watching this rehearsal for two hours

and I've kept quiet as long as I can.

This is not the sort of thing one expects to see in a high school

What do you mean, Arthur? What sort of thing?

This sort of thing. You can meet me round the corner in half an hour.

Our date's off, Maud. I'm meeting him.

the past two weeks. Now, this is the best way I know to raise money for the

library fund. Besides, burlesque has been family entertainment for over 2

years. So just knock it off. Arthur, if you don't like it that way, maybe you

would like it the modern way. Frank?

You can make me rather...

How can you permit your own daughter to exhibit her body that way? Why not? She

has a great body inherited from her mother.

That is not a pretty sight, Maude.

Why does it have to be burlesque? Oh, Arthur, everybody does Neil Simon plays.

What about Shakespeare?

Shakespeare? Last year they did As You Like It. There were 44 people on the

stage and 11 in the audience.

...tribute to another art form. So stop hating it just because it's different.

Well, we'll see. Wait a minute, Arthur. You've got to see my Lena number that I

do with Carol. No, I don't... Please, I've got scenery and everything.

Mousy, bring on the camel.

Come on, Carol.

We're going to do the Lena number.

Lena is the queen of Palestine.

Just because she plays...

It's Walter's singing that's been decent.

I love

them.

How do you like them apples?

Terrific, Walter.

Fantastic. Out of sight. I've never seen anything like it. Come on, that

number's got to go.

Hasn't got a single redeeming feature. Now, I have a song. which I strongly

recommend you let me do.

It's a very stirring song.

It's in B -flat.

This will raise the moral tone of the whole show.

Eddie, have you got the helmet and the rifle?

The helmet and the rifle?

Arthur, isn't it bad enough that you blackmailed me into appearing in that

opening number you wrote?

Maude, for your information, that number I wrote is going to be the head of the

show, and it wasn't blackmail. As a ranking member of the school board, I

suggested either you do the number or you couldn't use the auditorium.

Get off the stage. No, not... I've done my number. It's stirring and it's

inspiring. It's a World War II song.

Arthur, war songs don't belong in burlesque. Who said so? Everybody said

Mousy, we'll check with an expert.

You, uh, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, you're kicking me, you call?

Mousy, that bit is no longer in the show.

Now, were there ever war songs in burlesque?

Well, not unless you count the dame with the doves that stripped the anchors

away. You heard it from an expert, you hear? One of the old -time burlesque

greats. Played with every great top banana.

Played with every top banana. Thank you, master. Oh, anything for you, sir.

Don't play with that. It's not a ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-banana.

the French maid.

Oui, oui, boss.

If you're going to be so technical, Mark, there weren't any black people in

burlesque. Arthur, when I gave Flower to the part, I thought of her as just

another performer.

I didn't think about her color.

Well, how come I'm the maid?

If you want to give me the French maid, I can go and sing my war song. All you

have to do is listen.

Be flat, Bob.

Have you any dirty washing, mother dear?

We're gonna hang out our washing machine.

Larry, calm down. I can't hear you worse.

Mother,

dear mother, as the shelves fall near, I wish you were here.

Wrong, Carol. It got worse.

I'm writing this to you from somewhere in France.

I'm up to mud in my underpass.

Misunderstand me, Arthur.

I love it. I really, truly love it. But I tell you, I think it is so great that

we should have some kind of a production number. You know, like something going

on behind you to give it a real military feeling, you know.

Like a firing squad. Get off the stage!

Now, listen, Marty, if I can't do Siegfriedland, I'm not sure I want to be

the show at all.

Okay, Eddie, take these back to the armory. Oh, come on, Arthur.

Of course you want to be in the show. Now, please, we don't have much time.

on, we're going to do the car sketch now.

Okay, Viv, Carol.

Don't look now, Lola, but I think we're being followed.

Hey, take a gander at those Danes. What do you say we pick them up?

Oui, oui, wow, wow.

Okay with me.

I'll drive up to them. Here we go.

and grinds. Oh, Arthur, this is just a sexy hip wiggle.

That was a grind.

Arthur, trying to be sexy around you is always a grind.

Hold the car, Walter.

Well, this sketch is just plain smut.

Arthur, get out of the car is a comedy classic.

There is nothing offensive about it. Oh, poppycock.

Excuse me, Vivian.

You see the kind of language you've got me using? It's the very thing I was

talking to you about. I call it creeping smut.

I see it everywhere.

In bookstores, in movies, in libraries, and now in television.

Look what happened on the Mary Tyler Moore show recently.

She went out on a date and she stayed out all night.

All night. Our little Mary.

You can sneer if you want, Maude.

But let me tell you this. As Mary Tyler Moore goes, so goes America.

That's why... joined a group that is going to force sponsors to stop

shows that use such filth, like Marcus Welby.

You mean, Arthur, that Mary Tyler Moore spent the night with Marcus Welby?

But he did a show where he treated a homosexual.

Really? To what?

He treated a homosexual in public, and we're going to put a stop to that.

Mind you, I have nothing against doctors treating homosexuals in the privacy of

their office, but not in the privacy of my television screen.

Arthur, who watches television?

We don't have much time. Please get back in the car and finish it. Well, I'll

practice it. It doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Come on, Arthur. Let's pick it

up where we left off.

I'll take the blonde. You hold the car.

Hey, baby, you want to get in the car?

I might as well. I've got nothing to lose. That's what I want to find out.

feels about having hardcore pornography in his auditory.

Art?

Oh, Cat, what are we going to do now? Oh, Mother, don't worry about it. We'll

the sketch. Why don't you run over your number? I'd rather run over Arthur.

The climate of the southern brand.

But one thing I don't understand.

They got a gal there, a pretty gal there, who's colder than

an arctic storm. She's got a heart just like a stone.

Even Iceman.

gal in town now talk about your cold refrigerating

mamas she's the polar bears pajamas to tease them and thrill

them torture and kill them is her delight they say now

i saw her at the seashore with a great big pan why there was hannah pouring

water on a drowning

I mean, she's hard -hearted Hannah, the vampire of Savannah, GA.

Now, an evening spent with Hannah sitting on your knee is just like going

through Alaska in your BVDs. I mean, she's hard -hearted.

The principal is coming right down here to put a stop to this dirty show.

Oh, but, Arthur, Arthur, we sold tickets. The show is tonight.

I told you at the start of this thing we should do a wholesome show. Remember, I

suggested Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins.

That's the one that has that word in it.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I love that.

Julie Andrews said that.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I love that. Of course you love it. It

thoroughly repels me.

Arthur, don't you realize you have just said nine four -letter words?

Now, children, which

of you would like to spell Mississippi?

Johnny?

Spell Mississippi.

You want the river or the state?

of juveniles I have ever witnessed.

Intractable. Juvenile. Get them fancy words.

Teacher Shura's hoity -toity.

She may be hoity, but she'll never see toity again.

Quiet. Now, I am going to have to leave the room for a few moments.

While I am gone, there is to be no spitball throwing, no hair...

Shall we show the kiddies the new song we just learned?

Mrs. Finley, Mrs. Finley, are we really going to go through with this? Oh, come

on, Florida.

You know, there's a rumor that Alfred Hitchcock is going to be in the house

tonight. It's your big chance.

Why, he need a man?

to tell our troubles to do.

And when it's twelve o 'clock, we climb the

stairs.

We never know.

Florida, will you please get out in front? I am the shadow.

Oh, my God.

That's not believable.

Look, Florida, I told you in this show we are all people. There is no color

line. Well, and if there's no...

I'll be the shadow.

Florida, stop the music!

Stop! Now listen, Florida, we are going to do it my way, and that's that. And

besides, with the light flow, who knows the difference?

to see you in the locker room. Fink. No, his name is Fishman.

Look, honey, why don't you get into your costume, Philip?

Arthur Harmon. All right, come on, everybody, get ready for the opening.

Look, Arthur, Arthur, I don't care what you think. It is all in your head. That

is not true, and you know it, but I... Please, please, please.

As the principal of this school... Will you butt out, Fishman?

Arthur, what do you think can happen? The audience will become so stimulated

that... Immediately the show is over, they'll rush out to the lobby and have a

mass orgy?

Oh, I hope not. Our lobby is so tiny.

Arthur, what you're suggesting is out -and -out censorship.

All right, Fishman.

As a ranking member of the school board, if you cancel this show...

or you'll have to go back to teaching boys glee club. Oh, please, I don't want

any more trouble in this school. I've got enough trouble in this school.

I can't even go to the boys' room without getting mugged.

Look, Arthur, stop browbeating Mr.

Fishman. Now, since when do you have the right to decide what's immoral and what

isn't? Since when?

Since when? Since last June, when the Nixon Supreme Court put a stop to...

voted overwhelmingly against just this kind of filth. Five to four, Arthur, is

overwhelming. Actually, it was five to three. Five to four, Arthur. Douglas's

decisions don't count.

Arthur, William O. Douglas is the most brilliant scholar on the court.

Maude, the man spends his time climbing mountains.

Name me a mountain climber that ever had a thought in his head.

Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed.

See, you could only name three.

Furthermore, I find it very heartening to note that the Supreme Court finally

threw the obscenity ball back to the grassroots where it belongs. Arthur

Every community will have a right to decide for itself what is indecent. You

mean any blue nose can stop anything he doesn't like. Are you calling me a blue

nose? If the handkerchief fits, blow.

Mrs. Finley, Dr.

Harmon's point is well taken, I think.

Because if we... All right, all right, all right. That's it.

We will do it your way, Arthur. There will be no show. All right, no show.

will be no money for the library. Well, I wanted to raise money for the library.

No show.

No show. No opening number, which you wrote. Which I wrote. No audience.

No audience. No laughter in these empty halls. Has to be. No opening night party

at the Ramada Inn.

Sailor Beach.

No audience.

No Arthur Harmon singing the Siegfried line. No Arthur Harmon singing the

Siegfried line. No smell of the grease paint. No roar of the crowd. No Arthur

Harmon singing the Siegfried line.

Marty, I thought you weren't going to let me do that number.

Oh, Arthur.

Honey.

Sweetheart, it's in our natures to quarrel with each other, but, Arthur,

didn't think I would cut that number. Well, you said. Oh, don't you know when

I'm kidding, Arthur.

I mean, I know class when I see it.

May God forgive me for this. It's a show.

I mean, unless, of course, that great tradition of the show must go on doesn't

mean anything to you, in which case I'll simply have to... I'm sorry, Mrs.

Finley. I'm truly sorry. Bershman, don't you know anything about the great

tradition the show must go on?

Well, that's what it means. The show is going on.

And now that I'm going to do the Siegfried line, the show will have some

redeeming social value.

Where do I get into my costume? In the men's room.

Oh, I hope he doesn't get mugged.

Mr. Fishman, we should be that lucky.

Mrs. Finley, ten minutes before show two -two. T -two -two. T -two -two.

Girls

to

the right of me.

Girls to the left of me. Girls in front of me. Girls behind.

The girls, girls, girls, girls, girls.

Around the world, we search for girls to wake the connoisseur up.

In this strange marketplace, may I present Miss Europe.

The beauty of our next manzel is guaranteed to tase you.

Inscrutable, to say the least.

May we present Miss Asia.

Ethnic culture is a thing we all enjoy.

So for all you culture vultures, here's our African envoy.

That's chauvinism when it comes to favorite types.

For me, here comes the queen of queens, our own Miss Stars

and Stripes.

From every country on this earth, we made our population.

Because our ingredients have made a tasty nation.

We may look like a United Nations parade.

Touching each round.

When you're right, you're right.

Oh, Dad!

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.