All language subtitles for maude_s02e10_maude_s_musical

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance was...

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.
That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on,
Maud.

Come on out.

This must be the place.

Hey there, baby.

They call me Cuddles.

Oh, you.

I've heard about you.

I've heard about your lovemaking.

That's nothing.

pizzazz in it. I mean, this is a tribute
to burlesque, not the Waldens.

Now, you can meet me around the corner.

You do that once more, I'll

meet you in five minutes.

Listen, I've been sitting out here
watching this rehearsal for two hours

and I've kept quiet as long as I can.

This is not the sort of thing one
expects to see in a high school

What do you mean, Arthur? What sort of
thing?

This sort of thing. You can meet me
round the corner in half an hour.

Our date's off, Maud. I'm meeting him.

the past two weeks. Now, this is the
best way I know to raise money for the

library fund. Besides, burlesque has
been family entertainment for over 2

years. So just knock it off. Arthur, if
you don't like it that way, maybe you

would like it the modern way. Frank?

You can make me rather...

How can you permit your own daughter to
exhibit her body that way? Why not? She

has a great body inherited from her
mother.

That is not a pretty sight, Maude.

Why does it have to be burlesque? Oh,
Arthur, everybody does Neil Simon plays.

What about Shakespeare?

Shakespeare? Last year they did As You
Like It. There were 44 people on the

stage and 11 in the audience.

...tribute to another art form. So stop
hating it just because it's different.

Well, we'll see. Wait a minute, Arthur.
You've got to see my Lena number that I

do with Carol. No, I don't... Please,
I've got scenery and everything.

Mousy, bring on the camel.

Come on, Carol.

We're going to do the Lena number.

Lena is the queen of Palestine.

Just because she plays...

It's Walter's singing that's been
decent.

I love

them.

How do you like them apples?

Terrific, Walter.

Fantastic. Out of sight. I've never seen
anything like it. Come on, that

number's got to go.

Hasn't got a single redeeming feature.
Now, I have a song. which I strongly

recommend you let me do.

It's a very stirring song.

It's in B -flat.

This will raise the moral tone of the
whole show.

Eddie, have you got the helmet and the
rifle?

The helmet and the rifle?

Arthur, isn't it bad enough that you
blackmailed me into appearing in that

opening number you wrote?

Maude, for your information, that number
I wrote is going to be the head of the

show, and it wasn't blackmail. As a
ranking member of the school board, I

suggested either you do the number or
you couldn't use the auditorium.

Get off the stage. No, not... I've done
my number. It's stirring and it's

inspiring. It's a World War II song.

Arthur, war songs don't belong in
burlesque. Who said so? Everybody said

Mousy, we'll check with an expert.

You, uh, cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, you're
kicking me, you call?

Mousy, that bit is no longer in the
show.

Now, were there ever war songs in
burlesque?

Well, not unless you count the dame with
the doves that stripped the anchors

away. You heard it from an expert, you
hear? One of the old -time burlesque

greats. Played with every great top
banana.

Played with every top banana. Thank you,
master. Oh, anything for you, sir.

Don't play with that. It's not a ba -ba
-ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba

-banana.

the French maid.

Oui, oui, boss.

If you're going to be so technical,
Mark, there weren't any black people in

burlesque. Arthur, when I gave Flower to
the part, I thought of her as just

another performer.

I didn't think about her color.

Well, how come I'm the maid?

If you want to give me the French maid,
I can go and sing my war song. All you

have to do is listen.

Be flat, Bob.

Have you any dirty washing, mother dear?

We're gonna hang out our washing
machine.

Larry, calm down. I can't hear you
worse.

Mother,

dear mother, as the shelves fall near, I
wish you were here.

Wrong, Carol. It got worse.

I'm writing this to you from somewhere
in France.

I'm up to mud in my underpass.

Misunderstand me, Arthur.

I love it. I really, truly love it. But
I tell you, I think it is so great that

we should have some kind of a production
number. You know, like something going

on behind you to give it a real military
feeling, you know.

Like a firing squad. Get off the stage!

Now, listen, Marty, if I can't do
Siegfriedland, I'm not sure I want to be

the show at all.

Okay, Eddie, take these back to the
armory. Oh, come on, Arthur.

Of course you want to be in the show.
Now, please, we don't have much time.

on, we're going to do the car sketch
now.

Okay, Viv, Carol.

Don't look now, Lola, but I think we're
being followed.

Hey, take a gander at those Danes. What
do you say we pick them up?

Oui, oui, wow, wow.

Okay with me.

I'll drive up to them. Here we go.

and grinds. Oh, Arthur, this is just a
sexy hip wiggle.

That was a grind.

Arthur, trying to be sexy around you is
always a grind.

Hold the car, Walter.

Well, this sketch is just plain smut.

Arthur, get out of the car is a comedy
classic.

There is nothing offensive about it. Oh,
poppycock.

Excuse me, Vivian.

You see the kind of language you've got
me using? It's the very thing I was

talking to you about. I call it creeping
smut.

I see it everywhere.

In bookstores, in movies, in libraries,
and now in television.

Look what happened on the Mary Tyler
Moore show recently.

She went out on a date and she stayed
out all night.

All night. Our little Mary.

You can sneer if you want, Maude.

But let me tell you this. As Mary Tyler
Moore goes, so goes America.

That's why... joined a group that is
going to force sponsors to stop

shows that use such filth, like Marcus
Welby.

You mean, Arthur, that Mary Tyler Moore
spent the night with Marcus Welby?

But he did a show where he treated a
homosexual.

Really? To what?

He treated a homosexual in public, and
we're going to put a stop to that.

Mind you, I have nothing against doctors
treating homosexuals in the privacy of

their office, but not in the privacy of
my television screen.

Arthur, who watches television?

We don't have much time. Please get back
in the car and finish it. Well, I'll

practice it. It doesn't mean I'm going
to do it. Come on, Arthur. Let's pick it

up where we left off.

I'll take the blonde. You hold the car.

Hey, baby, you want to get in the car?

I might as well. I've got nothing to
lose. That's what I want to find out.

feels about having hardcore pornography
in his auditory.

Art?

Oh, Cat, what are we going to do now?
Oh, Mother, don't worry about it. We'll

the sketch. Why don't you run over your
number? I'd rather run over Arthur.

The climate of the southern brand.

But one thing I don't understand.

They got a gal there, a pretty gal
there, who's colder than

an arctic storm. She's got a heart just
like a stone.

Even Iceman.

gal in town now talk about your cold
refrigerating

mamas she's the polar bears pajamas to
tease them and thrill

them torture and kill them is her
delight they say now

i saw her at the seashore with a great
big pan why there was hannah pouring

water on a drowning

I mean, she's hard -hearted Hannah, the
vampire of Savannah, GA.

Now, an evening spent with Hannah
sitting on your knee is just like going

through Alaska in your BVDs. I mean,
she's hard -hearted.

The principal is coming right down here
to put a stop to this dirty show.

Oh, but, Arthur, Arthur, we sold
tickets. The show is tonight.

I told you at the start of this thing we
should do a wholesome show. Remember, I

suggested Mary Poppins.

Mary Poppins.

That's the one that has that word in it.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I
love that.

Julie Andrews said that.

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I
love that. Of course you love it. It

thoroughly repels me.

Arthur, don't you realize you have just
said nine four -letter words?

Now, children, which

of you would like to spell Mississippi?

Johnny?

Spell Mississippi.

You want the river or the state?

of juveniles I have ever witnessed.

Intractable. Juvenile. Get them fancy
words.

Teacher Shura's hoity -toity.

She may be hoity, but she'll never see
toity again.

Quiet. Now, I am going to have to leave
the room for a few moments.

While I am gone, there is to be no
spitball throwing, no hair...

Shall we show the kiddies the new song
we just learned?

Mrs. Finley, Mrs. Finley, are we really
going to go through with this? Oh, come

on, Florida.

You know, there's a rumor that Alfred
Hitchcock is going to be in the house

tonight. It's your big chance.

Why, he need a man?

to tell our troubles to do.

And when it's twelve o 'clock, we climb
the

stairs.

We never know.

Florida, will you please get out in
front? I am the shadow.

Oh, my God.

That's not believable.

Look, Florida, I told you in this show
we are all people. There is no color

line. Well, and if there's no...

I'll be the shadow.

Florida, stop the music!

Stop! Now listen, Florida, we are going
to do it my way, and that's that. And

besides, with the light flow, who knows
the difference?

to see you in the locker room. Fink. No,
his name is Fishman.

Look, honey, why don't you get into your
costume, Philip?

Arthur Harmon. All right, come on,
everybody, get ready for the opening.

Look, Arthur, Arthur, I don't care what
you think. It is all in your head. That

is not true, and you know it, but I...
Please, please, please.

As the principal of this school... Will
you butt out, Fishman?

Arthur, what do you think can happen?
The audience will become so stimulated

that... Immediately the show is over,
they'll rush out to the lobby and have a

mass orgy?

Oh, I hope not. Our lobby is so tiny.

Arthur, what you're suggesting is out
-and -out censorship.

All right, Fishman.

As a ranking member of the school board,
if you cancel this show...

or you'll have to go back to teaching
boys glee club. Oh, please, I don't want

any more trouble in this school. I've
got enough trouble in this school.

I can't even go to the boys' room
without getting mugged.

Look, Arthur, stop browbeating Mr.

Fishman. Now, since when do you have the
right to decide what's immoral and what

isn't? Since when?

Since when? Since last June, when the
Nixon Supreme Court put a stop to...

voted overwhelmingly against just this
kind of filth. Five to four, Arthur, is

overwhelming. Actually, it was five to
three. Five to four, Arthur. Douglas's

decisions don't count.

Arthur, William O. Douglas is the most
brilliant scholar on the court.

Maude, the man spends his time climbing
mountains.

Name me a mountain climber that ever had
a thought in his head.

Moses, Jesus, and Mohammed.

See, you could only name three.

Furthermore, I find it very heartening
to note that the Supreme Court finally

threw the obscenity ball back to the
grassroots where it belongs. Arthur

Every community will have a right to
decide for itself what is indecent. You

mean any blue nose can stop anything he
doesn't like. Are you calling me a blue

nose? If the handkerchief fits, blow.

Mrs. Finley, Dr.

Harmon's point is well taken, I think.

Because if we... All right, all right,
all right. That's it.

We will do it your way, Arthur. There
will be no show. All right, no show.

will be no money for the library. Well,
I wanted to raise money for the library.

No show.

No show. No opening number, which you
wrote. Which I wrote. No audience.

No audience. No laughter in these empty
halls. Has to be. No opening night party

at the Ramada Inn.

Sailor Beach.

No audience.

No Arthur Harmon singing the Siegfried
line. No Arthur Harmon singing the

Siegfried line. No smell of the grease
paint. No roar of the crowd. No Arthur

Harmon singing the Siegfried line.

Marty, I thought you weren't going to
let me do that number.

Oh, Arthur.

Honey.

Sweetheart, it's in our natures to
quarrel with each other, but, Arthur,

didn't think I would cut that number.
Well, you said. Oh, don't you know when

I'm kidding, Arthur.

I mean, I know class when I see it.

May God forgive me for this. It's a
show.

I mean, unless, of course, that great
tradition of the show must go on doesn't

mean anything to you, in which case I'll
simply have to... I'm sorry, Mrs.

Finley. I'm truly sorry. Bershman, don't
you know anything about the great

tradition the show must go on?

Well, that's what it means. The show is
going on.

And now that I'm going to do the
Siegfried line, the show will have some

redeeming social value.

Where do I get into my costume? In the
men's room.

Oh, I hope he doesn't get mugged.

Mr. Fishman, we should be that lucky.

Mrs. Finley, ten minutes before show two
-two. T -two -two. T -two -two.

Girls

to

the right of me.

Girls to the left of me. Girls in front
of me. Girls behind.

The girls, girls, girls, girls, girls.

Around the world, we search for girls to
wake the connoisseur up.

In this strange marketplace, may I
present Miss Europe.

The beauty of our next manzel is
guaranteed to tase you.

Inscrutable, to say the least.

May we present Miss Asia.

Ethnic culture is a thing we all enjoy.

So for all you culture vultures, here's
our African envoy.

That's chauvinism when it comes to
favorite types.

For me, here comes the queen of queens,
our own Miss Stars

and Stripes.

From every country on this earth, we
made our population.

Because our ingredients have made a
tasty nation.

We may look like a United Nations
parade.

Touching each round.

When you're right, you're right.

Oh, Dad!

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.