Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper.

Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilizer. Not on Maud.

Come on, boys, get over here. It's your turn.

In a minute.

I thought I heard a car. Maybe it's Viv and Harriet.

Well, I didn't hear anything.

You're stalling, Maud. You always stall when I'm winning.

I know you're winning, Walter. I can tell by those two little wet stains

your arms.

Maud, would it take your turn?

Oh, wouldn't it be marvelous if Vivian and Harry fell madly in love and ran off

together someplace and got married? I mean, of course, once both their

become final.

have such an emotional investment in Vivian's date?

Oh, honey, because this isn't just a date I've arranged for. This is the

Now, Harry Lyman has everything a woman could possibly want. A wonderful job, a

lovely home, a foreign sports car, a vasectomy.

I mean, he's a real sweetheart.

Some sweetheart. He's in fertilizer.

Well, yes, but you'd never know it.

I think it's your job to find Vivian a husband. Oh, honey, I don't know. I just

can't help myself. You know, whenever I see a lonely, unhappy woman who can't

make it in a single world, and I find a suitable man, I don't know. I just, I

have to do something about it. I know. You usually marry him.

God will get you for that one.

Now, Mort, either take your turn or throw in your tiles. All right, let's

14 points. K -L -O -P.

Plop. What's a clop? That's a clop.

Well, a clop is spelled with a C, and it's a sound made by a horse's hoof.

Thank you, Carol.

Thank you. And to think, when you were little, I used to walk so I'd be between

you and traffic.

Come on, can we continue the game? For the last time, either take your turn or

throw in your tiles!

Throw in my tiles?

Mama!

I just gave your coffee a clop.

And besides, no matter how either of you feels about Vivian and Harry, I say it

is a match made in heaven. They're the perfect couple.

You always say that.

A fertilizer failure. Oh, honey, but this time it's true. Oh, mother, that's

lot of balls. He's in that, too.

I think I hear them coming. I think I hear them coming.

you two have as much romance in your souls as a basket of warts.

They're getting out of the car.

I tell you, this is made in heaven.

Oh, good night. Good night, Harry. Don't bother seeing me in. I had a wonderful,

wonderful evening, and I'll call you the minute I get back from Nairobi.

If this weren't your house, I'd kick you out and tell you to go home.

In fact, I think I will.

Well, I can't.

Didn't I tell you this was a match made in heaven?

They just had their first lover's quarrel.

Maude, we're in the middle of a game.

Don't tell me, Vivian, you had a marvelous time. He took you first class.

finest wines, the finest food.

Now, take it easy.

You'll choke to death.

Well, at least I won't die on an empty stomach.

Ma, you picked me up with the most abominable, the most terrible, the most

rotten man in the whole world.

Oh, come on now, Vivian. Nobody's perfect.

Listen, Ma, when somebody says I'll pick you up at 6 .30, I don't know, maybe

I'm crazy, but I just figure I'm being taken out to dinner.

Now, look, honey, if you are suggesting that Harry Lyman is cheap, I happen to

know that he has three hair pieces.

And you know what they cost.

If there'd been one of them in the glove compartment, I would have eaten it.

Now, this doesn't sound like Harry.

Oh, he probably thought you'd already had your dinner.

That dress does make you look as though you've just eaten.

Ma, this was the worst evening I've ever had. That man was unbelievable.

After being thoroughly obnoxious all evening, he had the unmitigated gall to

if we should go to his place or mine.

Oh, honey, he was probably just making a joke. He knows your place is being

painted.

Vivian, you know, it is your attitude. It is your attitude that is making it

impossible... for you to have any kind of a meaningful relationship with a man.

Let's face it, Vivian, you're a 47 -year -old wet blanket.

And wet blankets end up on single beds.

Come on, Mort, it's your turn.

Carol quit and went upstairs, and I got my zing on a triple score.

Oh, honey, that's marvelous.

I suppose you got other points. Yeah, by spelling zebra.

Who cares, Walter? Who cares?

But if you're not out of here in five minutes, you'll be sorry. You're going

lose your turn.

Walter, darling, I'd like to remind you, it is not too late for me to become a

nun.

Now, bug off.

Crybaby Lizzie is going to have a fitzy.

Now, look. Maude, I'm just sick and tired of this whole dating thing.

Boring conversations, bad jokes, fighting for my honor. They're all...

thing. Vivian, I really shouldn't do this, but I'm going to give you one more

chance. Maude! I have been saving another man. Now, a real sweetheart.

An Armenian.

A tall, a tall Armenian.

In the fluorescent lighting business.

Maude, I said forget it. I'm tired of being grabbed at by these oversexed claw

machines you fixed me up with.

Oh, what's the use?

Maybe time has just passed me by.

Oh, there, there, Viv.

I don't know about dating anymore. I don't know what to say, how to act. I

even know what clothes to wear on a date.

All right, Vivian, have it your own way. Go ahead. Give up men.

Become a recluse.

Lock yourself up in the house and spend the rest of your life watching

miscarriages on Love of Life.

been out now with 11 different men since my divorce, and I had to say no on the

first date to 10 of them.

What about the 11th?

Well, he... Oh, Maude, let's just forget it. Would you just pretend I didn't say

anything? Vivian, I am surprised at you. I really am surprised.

Now, Vivian, I am your best friend in the world, and if you can't confide in

your best friend in the world, then lay off my salami.

Well, he's a very intelligent, kind, distinguished -looking, 70 -year -old

retired naval officer.

Gentle, responsible.

What did you say?

Responsible. No, I mean before that. Gentle. No, farther back. A retired

officer. No, more, more.

Vivian, do you realize that you're going out with a man who could have shot

Lincoln?

I've met are so neurotic. They're all after one thing. Well, not Theodore.

Theodore does not have a one -track mind. Well, of course not. Theodore was

derailed years ago.

Vivian, how can you relate to a 70 -year -old man?

It's my life.

And I'll tell you one other thing. Theodore's 71st birthday is this

and he's asked me out to dinner, and darn it, I...

Marvelous, but let me give you a little advice. If you're planning on buying him

a present, don't give him a long playing record.

Vivian, now listen to me. There, Lord.

The game, let's play. I am playing the game of life, Walter, and Vivian is

throwing hers away.

Vivian, Lord.

that board. I am so far ahead.

Yeah, I do well when I play by myself, too.

Sorry I can't join you, old buddy, but I got a half a pound of plump little

shrimp at home just waiting for me. I came over to see if I could borrow a

of oregano. Oh, Mark, keep out of my life!

All right, but let me tell you, you have a lot to learn about being a guest.

Hi, Arthur.

Hi, Mike.

Oh, look, Walter, please go upstairs.

Vivian needs you. You're sending Walter up to Vivian?

She may have a lot to learn about being a guest, but you're one heck of a

hostess, Martha.

You be quiet, Arthur.

It's that heartless, cynical attitude of men your age, men who are only

interested in one thing that has driven poor Vivian into the arms of a 71 -year

-old sailor.

Looks like she got herself a live one.

That could be tragic, Walter. His connective tissue will never last as

hers.

Especially at sea.

Walter, please. Honey, she's angry with me. Maybe she'll listen to you. Go talk

to her. Not me, Walter. If you want Vivian to talk to somebody, get somebody

else. Walter Finley, you're all mustache and no heart.

How can you stand by and see Vivian destroy herself?

How can you stand by and watch another human being go down the drain?

Besides, where am I going to find anybody?

Arthur.

Darling.

Don't look at me, Marty.

I don't know anybody.

No, I mean you.

Oh, now, wait a minute, Marty. I just dropped by for oregano.

I mean, I haven't even eaten. I just came from surgery.

I just stitched up a very tall man and I'm starved.

Why didn't I think of you in the first place, Arthur? You're the logical

I mean, Arthur, you live alone.

You know what it's like to be lonely.

Besides, you're a doctor, a professional man, trustworthy.

Oh, please, Arthur, talk to her. I mean, 71 years old. What can she say to a man

who was born in 1903?

Remember the mane?

Remember the clop?

Arthur, talk to her. Well, if you feel my vast knowledge and wisdom qualifies

me... Take her home, talk to her, Arthur.

Convince her that men your age are not just interested in one thing.

I mean, if anybody can do that, you can.

Vivian, oh, Vivian, dear, Arthur wants to talk to you. Oh, listen, all I want

a stiff drink and a hot shower to wash Harry's fingerprints off my body.

Arthur, say something wise.

Uh, hello there, Vivian.

Wiser, Arthur, wiser.

Uh, I know these are, uh, troublesome times, and I just thought you might find

it helpful to talk things over with a doctor, a professional person, someone

trustworthy. A man who's been in your shoes.

Is this your idea? He doesn't want to bother with me.

This is ridiculous.

Please, Vivian.

Go with Arthur. Talk to him. Do it for me.

But I am responsible for messing up your life. You owe me a favor. All right,

I'll go.

I'll go. All right, come along, Vivian.

I'm sorry your relationship with Harry Lyman didn't work out. I had my heart

on getting a sack of fertilizer wholesale.

I'm sure Arthur can talk some sense into it. I mean about men.

I mean... My heavens, men are not all out for just one thing.

I mean, sex isn't everything. I mean... What

am I talking to you for?

Shrimp boats are a -comin'. They're dancin' tonight.

All right, sir.

Listen, why don't I just leave?

You're busy cooking and I'm depressed.

What am I even doing here anyway?

Garlic! What?

The little chubbies need a touch more garlic.

That's what I mean. You haven't heard a word I said.

Vivian, calm down. You're on the verge of hysteria. Here. Oh, I'm not.

Your voice is emanating from the top third of your diaphragm. That's one of

first signs you're approaching hysteria. Oh, Arthur, stop telling me all about

me. We've known each other for ten years and you've never even noticed me.

Now, that's not entirely true, Vivian. I have noticed you.

When? When?

Uh... Well, there was one time you were sitting on the far end of Mark's couch

sipping a Diet Pepsi. There was another time... Oh, that's not what I... I

really am yelling at you, aren't I? Yes, you are.

I'm sorry, Arthur.

Oh, Arthur, it's just that this has been such a terrible evening.

I just don't know how to act with men anymore. I...

I can never be myself. I'm always playing a part.

Well, you're not playing a part now. You're being yourself.

I am being me, aren't I?

Ambrosia! Ah, what foods these morsels be.

I just made that up.

I do that sometimes.

Well, it's just my luck this is one of those times.

Here.

Goodness, that's so good.

You like that?

Mm -hmm. You really do?

I do.

Vivian, you're a very fine person.

Oh. A little tensed up, perhaps.

But definitely too fine a person to throw yourself away on.

How to put it tactfully?

A broken down old geezer.

When I was one and twenty, I heard a wise man say, give crowns and pounds and

guineas, but not your heart away.

Give pearls. away and rubies, but keep your fancy free.

But I was one in twenty, no use to talk to me.

By George, a poetry lover.

I didn't know an attractive woman like you could be taken with iambic

pentameter.

I've been addicted to A .E. Hausman for years.

Tell me not here, it leads not saying what tune the enchantress plays.

In aftermath of soft September or under blanching May. For she and I are long

acquainted and I know all her ways.

Looks as if you had me eating right out of your hand.

Don't worry, I'm sterile.

in stitches.

There I go with my little witticisms again.

I hope you don't mind.

Oh, no, no, there's not.

Actually, Vivian, your experience is to the contrary. There are some men who

aren't just out after one thing.

There are some of us who might be called wet men.

Men whose eyes puddle up at a beautiful sunset.

Or when they see a simple egg cup.

Men who appreciate spiritual values.

Poetic values.

Come on.

Oh, Lord, you can't use that. Nixon is a proper name.

Not in this house, it isn't.

you, I'll do everything I can to get even with him. He's out of my life. I'll

get him. I'll get him.

This is shocking.

This is shocking.

I mean, Arthur is usually so conservative to think that a Republican

into a sex fiend.

Maybe they're trying to change their image for the next election.

He treats her as though she was sent over to clear up his acne.

Come on, boy, will you take it easy? I mean, Viv's all right. She's just shaken

up a little. Just shaken up a little? The poor woman comes in hysterical, her

clothes half torn off her by that depraved friend of yours, and you say

just a little shaken up?

Uh,

anybody seen Vivian?

The baddest thing happened. You'll never believe what happened. Strangest thing

I ever saw in my life.

I was cooking some shrimp. We were talking.

Viv turned, and she slipped on the floor and started to lose her balance. I

reached out to grab her, and just as I did, the whole house lurched.

It's probably slippery from the cesspool. I really got to have that

down.

Well, the poor girl panicked when she felt the floor move.

Then she jumped up, ran into the living room. Some shot, she got her ankle

caught in the mouth on the bearskin rug, and she fell right down and started

screaming. Probably thought I was biting her ankle.

I tried to help her off, but the pool room was so hysterical that...

But if she's not here, she must have... She didn't tell you some ridiculous

story about me attacking her, did she?

Listen to me, Arthur Harmon. Jack the Ripper had a better alibi.

Now, Mark Walter, listen.

I spent three hours in surgery tonight. I saved a man's life. I wouldn't attempt

to attack a girl. Of course you wouldn't attempt to attack a... Thank you,

Walter. He would either do it or he wouldn't.

Well, Arthur.

Say, what are you doing here? No, no, don't tell me. You just came over for

kill? Don't talk like that, Vivian. I'm a doctor.

I saved a man's life tonight. Would you say that once more, Arthur, and I'll

even things up.

Just go home, Arthur. Go home. Vivian, there's been a terrible

Some misunderstanding.

I was sitting there, and you started spouting those A .E. Hausman sex poems

me. And then you start feeding me that fantail shrimp and telling me how all

are not the same. And then the next thing I know, you grab me.

You and your...

I might stop there. Stop putting my words in my mouth. I didn't admit

her. Walter, did I admit grabbing her? Don't look at me. I'm just waiting for a

bus.

All right, all right. For heaven's sake, I admit grabbing her.

Arthur, get out of this house.

I don't know how you can live with yourself after this evening.

I never knew how you could live with yourself before this evening.

Get out of this house. You're just like every other man, Arthur, after one thing

and one thing only. All right.

It's true I was after one thing and one thing only, but it's not the one thing

you thought.

For the first time in years, I actually felt affection for a woman.

Why, Arthur.

I'll tell you something else. It was all your fault.

You looked so damn pretty and over the lights and the chafing dish and the

of garlic butter, I couldn't help myself.

Arthur, I don't know what to say.

All I wanted to do was show a little affection.

I don't believe it, Walter.

I mean, it's like a science fiction movie.

I mean, he's turning into a human being before our very eyes.

Oh, please let me handle this.

Arthur, I think I did overreact. I should have known you wouldn't do a

thing like that, pushing me down and tearing my dress.

Oh, I might.

Still waters run deep, you know.

That's probably why he's having trouble with his cesspool.

Well, good night.

And I adored the shrimp.

You did? You did? Well, listen, I also have a bottle of artichoke bottoms

vinaigrette in my refrigerator if you're still hungry. Well, I am still hungry,

and I just happen to be crazy about artichoke bottoms.

I heard him say again The heart out of the bosom Was never given in vain Tis

paid with sighs of plenty And sold for endless rue And I am two and twenty And

oh, tis true, tis true Did

you

see them, Maud?

Did you see the way they were looking at each other? Walter, yes, I saw.

Oh, like the phoenix.

Out of the ashes of this evening may rise one of the more depressing

relationships of this century.

Walter, what have I done?

What have I done?

Arturo. Arturo?

Bonsoir, Cherie.

My heart is limp.

You're more tasty than marinated shrimp.

No, I really mean that.

Oh, dear, sweet, precious man.

Where has he been all my life?

Walter, how many... 20 points for Upchuck.

Oh, Dad!

Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience.