Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Mmm. Mmm.

This is delicious.

Boy, Florida, with this stew, you really kick my butt.

Come on now, Florida.

You know perfectly well that to kick one's butt means to impress one

It's a very common black expression.

Well, I never heard it.

But then again, maybe I ain't been black long as you.

it in this dictionary of black slang expressions.

And if it isn't right, what would I say in black ghetto language if I wanted to

impress you favorably?

What would you say in black ghetto talk if you wanted to impress me favorably?

Well, in the blackest ghetto talk, I believe the expression is, uh, Florida,

don't you take the rest of the day off?

God'll get you for that, Florida.

I'll get it.

It's probably Carol and her boyfriend.

I'm coming.

Hello. Oh, hi, Viv.

Hi. I was expecting Carol and her adorable new boyfriend back from their

trip. Now, you can stop humming the wedding march, Maude. It's only me.

Oh, come on now, Viv. I assure you, I am not humming any wedding march.

I mean, if everybody who went camping together ended up getting married,

be an awful lot of Boy Scouts living together.

That's as cute as you say he is. Viv, he is adorable.

He's 30, but he has this kind of baby face that makes him look top 17.

Here's the vaporizer.

Oh, thanks for letting me borrow this. You know, Chuck took hours with him when

we split up and he moved out of the house.

But why would Chuck take the vaporizer? You're the one with the asthma attacks.

You just answered your own question.

respiratory trouble?

Yeah. I begged you for years to give up smoking, but you never listened to me.

I've never smoked in my life, Arthur.

No wonder you never listened to me.

Any way to treat me besides Arthur?

No, thank you, Walter. I'll split a ginger ale with you. How was your game?

Terrible. But fortunately, Arthur made me look good. That's what doctors are

for, Walter, to make people look good. Wrong, Arthur.

Doctors make people look well.

Undertakers make people look good.

Touche, Monty.

Well...

I'll just be running along.

Maude. Walter.

Arthur.

Michael. So long, Vivian.

Thanks again, Maude. Oh.

And be sure and give my love to Carol when she returns.

Ah! Young love.

Isn't it wonderful?

Isn't it true?

I certainly miss my Agnes.

I haven't had a really good meal since she died.

Well, you know, I'm considered to be a... pretty good cook, Arthur, so

you'd like to drop by for a free home -cooked meal, please do.

Poor Vivian.

Kind of sad being a divorcee. I suppose I'm lucky being a widower.

That's nothing. Think how lucky Agnes is.

By the way, Marty, where's Carol? Is she away or something?

Uh -huh.

Philip is visiting his father, so Carol took the opportunity to go on a little

camping trip with her boyfriend.

Oh, that young pediatrician fellow from Boston. The one with the camper truck.

So they're on a little camping trip together, huh?

Well, well, well.

Now look, Arthur, before you say another well, Carol is 27, Chris is 30, and

this is 1973.

Oh, I'm not saying anything against Carol. It's just that in my day and age,

they would have had a chaperone.

Come on, Arthur. In your day and age, girls wore hoop skirts.

Which is probably why they needed a chaperone. A girl in a hoop skirt is so

to tip over.

Really, Arthur, if you're suggesting that Carol's morality... No, no, I

say that, Maude.

Now, listen, Maude.

I admire you.

I really do.

You are a truly liberated modern woman.

Well, I thank you, Arthur. You have a straightforward, delightful way of

at the complete moral collapse of our society.

It is not the moral collapse. The complete collapse. It is totally the

It is moral honesty, Arthur. For the very first time, people are behaving

happy, healthy human beings, which, of course, leaves you out of things.

That's all right, Monty. Go ahead.

Snicker at morality.

But I remember when Ingrid Bergman ran off to Stromboli with that Italian

director, people were so shocked she wasn't permitted to make a movie for

And now, now actresses like Vanessa Redgrave, Mia Farrow, can have hundreds

babies out of wedlock. Make all the movies they want.

That's another thing I disapprove of.

Working mothers.

Look, Arthur, if this is a conversation between two consenting adults, I have

just stopped consenting.

That's all right, Martin.

What you have to realize, Mott, is there's no self -discipline anymore.

There is no adult approach to life or morals.

President Nixon may have his faults, but he put it in a nutshell when he said

the average American is just like a child. Arthur, he was just talking about

advisors.

So that's it for America, huh?

Another attack on the president and a complete whitewash. for Vanessa Redgrave

and working mothers.

Walter, for the life of me, I cannot understand how you picked me as a wife

somebody like Arthur Harmon as a best friend.

Well, it beats having it the other way around.

And besides, sometimes Arthur makes a lot of sense. He's not always wrong.

safe and sound, don't I deserve some kind of reward?

You certainly do.

Oh, that face. That baby pussycat face.

This is 30 years old. With two -year -old skin.

You know, confidentially, Chris, I have not seen skin like that since the last

time I diapered Carol.

You're embarrassing him.

Mrs. Finley, the bane of my existence is that I'm a baby doctor that looks like

one of his patients.

Please, do not contribute to that bane.

Is that cute?

How can you resist that?

Let's have a drink to celebrate your return to civilization.

Love one. Oh, by the way, here's a present for you. For me?

What do I say?

How nice.

How nice?

Mother, it's a wall -eyed pike.

Oh, well, it's the thought that counts, and at least it came wrapped in the New

York Times.

She's just saying that because they're anti -Nixon.

I didn't know wall -eyed pike were anti -Nixon.

Then again, why should I be surprised?

Oh, uh, Chris, you will stay for dinner. Oh, thanks, but I've got a long drive

ahead of me up to Boston.

Why don't you spend the night with us and get up early and leave then?

Well, I'd really like to. Oh, come on. Now, you're going on that medical

in Canada. You kids won't see each other for at least a month, so it's all

settled. Well... You might as well give in. When my mother says something's

settled, it's settled.

Okay, you win. Good. I'll check dinner.

Oh, that face.

That face.

Don't look now that we're alone.

Yes, we are, aren't we?

Very personal question.

Of course.

Would you still love me if I didn't have this skin?

stop staring at me.

Say, Florida, how would you like to take this home with you?

On the bus?

Why not? Let her look out the window, shouldn't she?

Better let her hang out the window.

Oh, by the way, Harold's friend is going to be spending the night, so would you

change the sheets in the guest room? Right away, Mrs. Finley.

Could you put some men's hangers in my room? Sure thing, honey.

I

sure

hope my bus is on time.

Something tells me this ain't gonna be no place for an innocent bystander.

Oh, no trouble at all, honey. Besides, it'll give Walter and me a chance to get

to know him better. All right, but don't forget he's got to get up early in the

morning. Don't worry, honey. We'll have a very early dinner and then just a

little talk and then I'll make sure that you both get a good night's sleep.

By the way, honey, speaking of Chris, do I hear wedding bells?

Mother, Chris and I care about each other a lot.

We even think we're in love.

As for wedding bells, only time will tell.

Only time will tell.

That's a lovely saying.

Then there's that other saying about time.

It's later than you think.

Honey, if you want to put your things upstairs, it's the first room on the

right. Oh, fine.

You're using the good silver for Chris? Thank you.

If he steals, we don't want him to think we're cheap.

It's all right with you, Mrs. Finley. I'll be going home now. Oh, of course.

Good night, Florida.

Mrs. Finley, I changed the linen in the guest room like you asked me. Oh, thank

you, Barbara. And I put men's hangers in your room like you asked, Carol.

And may the best room win.

Carol,

why did Florida put men's hangers in your room?

Well, why did she change the sheets in the guest room?

Because they were dirty.

Mother, you do realize that Chris is staying so we can be together.

Of course I do, honey. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Say, Carol, you sure got a nice room.

Chris, Carol, why don't the two of you just go and sit down and relax and I'll

go into the bedroom and check on dinner. I mean...

My mother isn't uptight about my staying here, is she? No, my mother's the most

modern woman I know.

Dinner will be ready in just a few minutes. Mother, you're not upset

Chris and I are staying here? I'm not? I mean, I'm not.

Are you sure? I mean, I can sleep in the camper. Oh, please, Chris, don't be

ridiculous. Look, Carol, you've known me for 27 years.

You know that I am a completely emancipated mother.

So welcome to my home, Chris.

And the two of you are going to stay together upstairs, for better or worse,

that's that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll go back into the bedroom and finish dinner.

Why should I be bothered? I'm a completely modern mother Carol is 27

This is 1973 Oh, Walter Walter, not under my own roof

Harold, you talk about women's lib. Do you know that we were singing this 30

years ago?

There once was a union made. Father, I am going to bed.

No!

Lord, I've got kind of a hunch about what you're trying to do. You guessed

Charades. You must have been reading my mind.

What? Oh, come on, sweetheart. You know how well I sleep after a strenuous game

of charades. I was about to say I'm all for it. I love charades. You mean you

want to play?

Sure, but I...

Two syllables. First syllable.

Halo. Halo. Holy.

Gentle.

Nice.

I'd be a lot happier if Carol and I didn't stay here tonight.

Oh, come on, Chris, don't be ridiculous.

There's an old Spanish expression.

Mi casa es su casa.

What does that mean? How the hell do I know? Ask an old Spaniard.

Honey, you're not fooling anybody.

Look, Carol, why don't I just drive up to Boston tonight and get an early

Good idea. If I wasn't so tired, I'd go with you.

Mother, look, Chris and I won't see each other for four weeks. We would like to

be alone.

Then be alone. Be alone all over the place for all I care.

Mother, I love you, but you're driving me crazy. Now look, we're going to go

upstairs, get our things, and leave.

All right, go.

Oh, Walter.

Walter, Walter.

It's all right. It's all right.

How could you do this to me?

What did I do? I just threw my own daughter out.

the house, you didn't even raise a hand to stop me. And you should have stopped

me, Walter.

It'd be easier to stop the Green Bay Packers.

You're basically average, Walter.

Maud. Average.

Maud, it's all over. They're leaving. I don't want them to go.

So what, did you try to keep us up all night? Because I talk one way and I act

another. I'm a hypocrite, Walter. Admit it. I'm a hypocrite.

Okay, you're a hypocrite. If I want a parrot, I'll buy one.

Discussion is happening in houses all over the country. I know, Walter, but I

don't want to impose the views of my generation on Carol.

I mean, let's face it, our whole generation's a mess anyway.

I mean, for instance, how many people do you know at the club who are married

and fooling around?

And I don't mean with each other.

Well, a couple of the women even made some passes at me. That's exactly

Names, Walter.

Maud, one argument at a time.

lecture you gave Arthur.

Now, why should this thing with Chris and Carol bother you? It obviously

bother you when she spent four days with him on a camping trip. Right, Maud?

Wrong, Walter.

When Carol told me she was thinking about going off with Chris for four days

a camper, I put a tooth mark in my tongue that will take ten years to heal.

You, Maud Findlay? Oh, Walter, I must... Square!

I mean, I may not always practice it, but I believe in the old -fashioned

things, in the ring, in the vows, in the license, in the ceremony, in the

wedding bed, and in that order.

I'm Maud Findlay.

In my heart, I'm Arthur Hartman.

Promise you won't tell the neighbors.

Maud, you don't have to be ashamed of what you are.

There's got to be millions of mothers facing this problem who feel exactly the

same way you do.

Walter, it's so old.

What's wrong with old -fashioned?

These feelings that you have are just as honest and valid today as they were a

hundred years ago. Oh, Walter. I am stuck with both feet in my generation. I

want to have at least one in Carol's.

Sweetheart, if that's what you really want, then tell Carol and Chris you want

them to stay.

Thank you, Walter. I don't know why I didn't think of that.

all over, and you're staying here, and that's that.

Mother, please, let's not open up that can of peas again. No, you're not

leaving! Not this way!

Mother, will you please get out of the way?

No.

Chris, will you please get my mother out of the way?

Maude!

Look,

Carol, um... It's been a long evening.

I've been patient, polite...

sang folk songs.

I did all this for you under very trying circumstances.

So please don't ask me to beat up your mother.

Oh, come on, kids.

Now, look, I refuse to be upset about the two of you staying here in my own

house. I mean, Lord only knows what went on in that camper.

Strike that!

Lord, do you realize what you're asking?

You're asking Carol and me to stay upstairs to prove that you're a modern

mother. Look, after all the trouble you brought into this house, you owe me a

favor.

Mother, do you honestly think Chris and I could stay in this house with you

after all of this?

You're right. Walter, get your toothbrush. We're leaving.

I'm not going anywhere. Come on, Walter, we can stay in the camper. You always

said you wanted to get closer to nature.

During the day, more. Not in the middle of the night.

There could be a big black dog out there.

Mother, maybe we'd better go in the kitchen. I'll be right back.

Time sure flies when you're having fun.

Okay, Carol, who talks first?

Mother, none of this would have happened if you hadn't asked Chris to stay.

Oh, come on now, Carol. You could have stayed in separate rooms.

What are you talking about? I couldn't just sleep in another room. I feel like

hypocrite.

The truth is, I didn't want him to stay in the first place.

Oh, come on. Now, Callie, you are totally confusing me. Well, it's not

fault, Mother. It has nothing to do with you.

It's me.

I never even realized it until just a little while ago.

Well, I guess that's the reason I never asked him to stay before.

Not with you upstairs right across the hall. Not under my own mother's roof.

Do you...

what you just said. Oh, of course I realized what I said. I said it, didn't

No, you're not the only one who's old -fashioned. You don't have to feel

Look, if I want to feel guilty, I'll feel guilty. It cleanses my soul.

Some people take laxatives, I take guilt.

Well, I guess I'm just a chip off the old block.

Oh, honey.

You know, you and I are exactly alike.

Do you remember last year when Walter and I stayed at my mother's house? She

right across the hall, too. Do you know I wouldn't even let Walter kiss me?

I treated him like he was someone who just climbed in through the window.

Good night, Mother.

Honey, are you sure you're not leaving just to let me off the hook? I'm sure.

won't see each other for four weeks. We'd really like to be alone.

Scouts on it.

Oh, Carol, if you ever have a daughter, I hope she's lucky enough to turn out

just like you.

Thank you. And for her sake, I hope her mother turns out like me.

This better be good. Good?

That's going to be great.

I don't know what you'll think about it, but Carol and I are out of our skulls.

Tell them, Carol.

Mod was recorded on tape before a live audience.