All language subtitles for maude_s02e06_florida_s_affair

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart,
Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's my...

Henry, Henry, don't argue with your
wife. Just come on over here and take me

home.

Ain't nothing wrong with the bus. I just
don't want to ride by myself.

I don't want to be anywhere by myself.

Henry, just do what I say, unless you
want to sleep with the cat for your body

warmth.

Henry? Henry!

Men.

If men knew what women knew about men,
men wouldn't have nothing to do with

themselves.

Listen, when you get there working over
at Dr.

Harmon's, I want you to come by and get
me because I don't want to go home

alone. It ain't safe for a girl on the
street.

What do you mean, what girl? Me.

Well,

hello there, foxy mama.

Ain't safe in this house, neither. So
you do like I say.

You're supposed to stay downstairs
working on that furnace. Well, now,

even a plumber's got a right to sip a
cup of coffee now and then.

Yeah. Well, you've been running up here
for coffee like you're trying to clean

out Brazil.

Well, to tell you the truth, it ain't
the coffee in here that's the feature

attraction. Mr. Fulton, you don't want
to mess with me.

I'm sure I got about eight years on you.

Eight years of maturity, Florida.

Just like fine wine. That's what I got
on my mind.

What you got on your mind is a bucket of
beer and whoop -de -doo.

Now, I'm going to have to tell you
again. I'm a married woman.

Yeah, but that don't stop you from being
desirable.

Yeah, but it do stop me from being
available.

Now, blow it off, super -blind.

Mr. Fulton! Uh -oh. Are you there, Mr.

Fulton? Just like General McAlpha said,
I shall return.

Mr. Fulton.

Did you tell Mrs. Finley that I have to
lay out another $600 to fix the furnace?

I'm afraid so, Mr. Finley.

You wait until the job's half done, and
then you sock it to the customer, huh?

Well, that's unethical.

It would give me a lot of satisfaction
to throw you right out of here.

Well, that's going to leave this house
very high on satisfaction, but mighty

on temperature.

Come on, Moore, if you want to make that
movie.

Walter, I'm hurrying, but it's so cold
up here, my fingers are numb.

Well, if we don't get... By the time you
get there, Jesus Christ Superstar will

have already risen.

Honey, I'm sorry, but judging makeup is
very difficult when your nose is turning

blue. Oh, come on, cut it out, Mort. I'm
not in the mood.

That con artist you found me to fix the
furnace is going to charge... Walter,

please. You can't go around calling Mr.
Fulton a con artist.

He's black.

He's black.

No kidding.

Hey, Mr. Fulton, you're...

The cake fell.

Florida, I have seen cakes fall in my
time, but this is the first one that

screamed in pain.

Mean, mean.

Florida, don't tell me Mr. Fulton was
making overtures.

Overture is nothing. He's heading
straight for the finale.

Now you keep that.

Furnace picks are out of my kitchen. Oh,
come on. Now, Florida, you've been

complaining about Mr. Fulton for three
days. You're a big girl now. You can

handle it.

Besides, you have to expect this kind of
thing from men when you're as

attractive and seasoned as we are. I
know, like fine wine.

Don't tell me he's been eyeballing you,
too.

Stop being so melodramatic. I am not
being melodramatic.

Florida, has he put a hand on you? Has
he done anything except ogle you? No,

with him, ogle is a four -letter word.

Look, Florida, I don't have time to
argue with you now. I have to get going.

you can't. You can't leave me here
alone. Mr. Finley is waiting for me.

Oh, all right, Florida. I'll talk to Mr.

Fulton. Oh, shut up, Walter.

Mr. Fulton, I'd like a word with you.

That's very nice, Walter.

Mommy's glad to hear you're practicing
the horn.

Now knock it off!

Now look, Mr. Fulton, I'm going to make
this brief. We're driving down to East

Tuckahoe to the movies.

Oh, that's where they play in Jesus
Christ Superstar. That's the one where

black cat plays the villain, Judas.

It only goes to show how far my people
has come toward equality.

and I am not in the mood for chit -chat
or like that.

Oh, there's something wrong.

Y 'all don't like something about the
work I've been doing downstairs, Miss Ma

'am?

No, the work is... Miss Ma 'am.

What did you say?

Oh, I said, and begging your pardon as I
do, is you unhappy with my work?

No, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm...

Satisfied completely.

I mean, if the lady ain't happy about my
work, I'll change it fast in a frog's

tongue flicking in a pack of flies.

That is marvelous.

Faster than a frog's tongue flicking in
a pack of flies. And you can quote me on

that if you want.

Now, is the lady's show she satisfied?

The lady's show.

I mean...

I mean, I'm completely satisfied.
Completely satisfied. Well, in that

then, I guess I'll just shuffle along.

Florida, I mean, anyone can see the man
is completely harmless. Yeah, you back

down faster than a frog's tongue
sticking in a... Shut up.

Miss Finley, wait, please. Florida,
Florida, you can handle this. Honey.

Do you think I would leave you if I
thought you were in any danger?

Florida, I would cut off my arm for you.
Well, then do it so I could beat him

over the head.

He's getting super stuck in weight. But
I can't, Florida. You know how I hate to

come in in the middle of the Bible.

your tail up in the wind. You ready to
go home? Not quite.

Well, then, hello and goodbye.

Wait!

Where are you off to?

Where do you think I'm off to?

Alcapulco. I just won a free trip with
Henry Kissinger on the dating game.

Me?

Nothing. Nothing? Are you sure?

I said nothing, didn't I?

Nothing!

You call that nothing?

Well, you got plenty of nothing, but not
that's plenty for me.

Don't be ridiculous. He's fixing our
heating system. He's just a furnace man.

A furnace man, huh?

Well, baby...

like he was peeling a banana.

Well, if he tries to peel this banana,
he's going to find out it's forbidden

fruit.

You ain't interested.

Me? No. The answer's no.

N -O.

I dig it. He really got your nose off,
ain't he, girl?

Have you gone soft in the head?

He got eyes for me because he say I'm
mature like fine wine.

I don't even want to be in the same
house with him.

I don't trust him. Uh -oh, it ain't him
you don't trust. It's you, baby.

Well, good luck.

Stella, you're not leaving. You don't
see me doing nothing else, do you? Bye.

Don't worry.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. Here
comes the weather report.

Oh, come on now, Florida, don't be like
that.

Look, Mr. Fulton, I'm not your ordinary
walk -in -the -front -door, walk -out

-the -back -door type of lady.

Exactly.

Florida, you are looking at a man who
has never gazed upon you with anything

the greatest respect and holds the
highest regard for your erudition.

My what?

Erudition. It's another word for
intelligence.

I know that.

You see, Florida, you not only got
beauty of the body and beauty of the

you got beauty of the brain.

You got erudition.

Now, you can't get mad at a man for
worshiping your mind.

No, but... You're just loaded with
words, ain't you?

Now, stop jiving me. I ain't jiving you,
Florida. Oh, yes, you are, Mr. Fulton.

Hey, why don't you just call me by my
first name, Wittenauer?

How come they give you a name like
Whitnall anyway?

Oh, the same reason I got me a twin
sister named Long Jean.

My daddy worked for the railroad.

I also got a brother named Ingersoll.
You got to shake him to make him work.

I'm never going to believe anything you
say, Whitnall.

Oh, damn, woman, you got a laugh that
lights up the world. Not your world.

with me no longer.

Hey, let's celebrate bearing the
hatchet. How about moving the body a

bit? I ain't got no time for that. I
ain't got work to do. Oh, come on now,

Florida. You're missing the chance of a
lifetime.

These are the fastest dancing feet in
the furnace field.

Come on, let's dance.

Florida.

funny doing anything like this in the
dining room.

Come on, let's drive in the living room.

You old devil, you.

Okay, well, we got to stay on the rug. I
just polished the floor.

You ask me no questions. Oh, brother.

Yeah, you call your brother because
you're going to need some help.

Yeah,

I'm going to wait. But while I'm
waiting, I'm going to punch you out four

High, low, hard, and repeatedly.

Hold on. Before you engage in an act of
violence, may I say one word?

What? Back!

Carry on with another man, would I? Call
you to come over here and catch me?

Yeah, that's right, Floyd. I never
thought of it that way.

Henry. That'd make you unfaithful and
dumb.

A combination I don't need.

Like the man said.

Bye!

Bacon, bacon.

Ah, here it is. Here. I knew I had seen
it.

Right here under the Nyack Food Fair, I
am an American Day bacon special.

$1 .89 a pound.

Well, that's no big deal, Maude. It was
only $1 .85 at the Dobbs Ferry Bohack.

Well, four cents is four cents. We'll
drive to Dobbs Ferry.

During which we'll spend a dollar more
in gasoline.

Oh, no, we'll still save money. The gas
is on Walter's credit card.

Good morning, Mother.

Morning. Good morning, dear. Oh, crazy.

When are we going to get some heat in
here? Oh, come on. Stop complaining,

Carol. Think of the millions of people
starving in India.

When I complained, that's what my mother
used to say to me.

Her? Then she'd hit me.

Good morning.

Morning, Florida.

Something tells me that this is the day
to ask her to do the windows.

Florida, is something wrong? What makes
you say that?

You're very late getting here. You seem
very upset and you're...

Plucking that duster as if you're about
to fricassee it.

No, we're not.

There's nothing wrong, Mrs. Finley.
Everything is fine.

This hunky -dory couldn't be better. And
it's all your fault.

My fault? What? You left me alone with
that man, and I begged you not to. Oh,

Florida. Now my Henry has left me. He
didn't come home last night. Florida!

There's no telling what lengths you
wouldn't go to to get me to live in.

The 24th wedding anniversary present is
going to be a divorce.

Oh, come on. Now, Florida, stop jumping
to conclusions.

I mean, people don't get divorced every
day, do they, girl?

I wish I hadn't said that.

Could I have done such a terrible thing?
Oh, come on. Florida, you are not

capable of doing a terrible thing.

Now, tell me, what was the terrible
thing you did?

I was alone with Hitler, and he started
messing with me, and that's when my

Henry walked in. I thought he was going
to kill him.

Florida, exactly what is the technical
meaning of messing?

Oh, well, Maude, I think what she means
is... And we know your technique.

Well, we was just dancing.

But to Henry's way of thinking, my
dancing with that man is just a vertical

expression of a horizontal intention.

Conclusion. I'll tell you how dare he.

I love my Henry, but last night, that
witness really turned me on.

All of a sudden, he had me feeling so
young, I wasn't old enough to know

Laura, you can stop hating yourself.

Honey, what happened to you happens to
any woman.

when a handsome younger man finds her
attractive.

I mean, it happens to me all the time.

And to me as well. So you did nothing
wrong.

I don't know.

I ain't never been divorced like you
ladies.

That's right. We all have been divorced,
haven't we? Some of us more divorced

than others.

I'd say expecting you was a fake
encounter at both ends.

Now, come on, Florida.

What happened to you is part of a
woman's nature. I mean, it's something

happens in the jeans.

Jeans, Levi's, I know the look.

23 years of happy marriage for 23
seconds of the funky chicken.

Well, now, if it ain't the lovely lady
herself.

Don't you lovely lady me.

Hey, hold on, baby.

It ain't my fault you old man showed up
uninvited in the middle of the

festivities. Didn't I tell you I was
married?

Yeah, but you didn't tell me you were
that married.

I mean, you got a highly serious
husband.

Mr. Fulton, I just hope for your sake
you ain't a bleeder.

I'm just excited that you have a couple
of alternatives. And I've just decided

you got one.

Either that furnace fixer goes, or I do.

Florida, do you mean that after what
happened last night, that man has the

to step foot in this house again? I'll
handle this.

What, now where?

Jasper, Miss Finley, ma 'am. Now, look.

Don't you pull that Uncle Tom routine on
me again.

Oh, that's not my Uncle Tom. That's my
step -in fetcher. My Uncle Tom's much

more convincing.

house immediately.

Well, now, I hardly think that's a
proper way to treat a member of a

minority group.

Now, look, this has nothing to do with
you being black.

Oh, I wasn't talking about that
minority. I was talking about the

local number 403.

Well,

we made it.

You ought to try jogging, Marty.

It's good for the lungs.

Arthur, do me a favor. Take your lungs
and blow.

Mr. Finley, goodbye.

Wait a minute. Where are you going? That
man is no longer welcome in this house,

Walter. I just fired him. Are you crazy?

The furnace is all torn apart.

Repairmen are booked weeks in advance.
You stay right here, Mr. Baldwin.

you and I were no sooner out of this
house last night when that man was on

high road to seducing Florida.

Well, I wasn't exactly on the high road.
It was more like being on the on -ramp.

Finish that job!

Please?

Wow, I'm glad my hot water heating
system's okay.

Those fellas have your right by the
valves, don't they?

Congratulations, Walter. You have just
driven Florida out of the house. Because

Whit now made a little pass?

Come on, Maud. Florida's got more sense
than that.

Florida, you're not really considering
leaving, are you? No, I'm not

it. I'm doing it. Look, you stay right
where you are, Florida. I am going to

rid of this homewrecker.

Wittenauer! Maud, that homewrecker's
putting our furnace together. We need

We need Florida more.

Now, look, Wittenauer, I do not care
what Mr. Findley has said to you. I want

you out of this house immediately, and
I'm... this very minute.

But I thought you got this, Henry.

Oh, quick, down in the van.

Henry! Florida, I want to talk to you in
private.

Florida, after the way that man treated
you, you're not going with him until he

begs your forgiveness.

Her forgiveness?

I'm waiting for her to beg my
forgiveness.

You are what?

You expect her to stand here in front of
all these people and beg your

forgiveness? Just what I said, woman.

nothing wrong. She has nothing to be
ashamed of, and she will die before she

begs your forgiveness and humbles
herself.

Isn't that right, Florida? Henry, I'm
begging your forgiveness.

Florida! Shut up, Mort. I'm humbling
myself.

Florida, you did nothing wrong. All you
did was admit a harmless little

flirtation. Mrs. Finley, would you
kindly butt out?

Right on!

I want you to meet Mrs. Cavender. Oh,
how do you do? Dr. Harmon.

Nice day. And you know Carol, of course.
What do you think this is, a party at

the White House?

Now listen to me, Henry Evans.

What happened with Florida is no
different than what happened between me

John Kepley.

Maude, if they want your advice, they'll
what happen between you and John

Kepley.

But Walter, we are talking about
Florida.

We are not talking about a silly little
kiss in the kitchen at the Henderson's.

Now listen to me, both of you. Henry and
I can take care of it.

You kissed John Kempley?

Shame on you, Marty.

Come on, Arthur. Is that any different
than New Year's Eve when you had a few

too many and pinched me on the stairs?

That wasn't a pinch.

I'm just picking a piece of confetti off
the back of your skirt.

ridiculous double standard. We certainly
have. What makes it okay for you guys

to sneak a pinch or a kiss? Because it's
so harmless. We don't mean anything by

it. Well, neither do we, do we, Mother?
Of course not.

I mean, it was just that John looked so
adorable with that purple turtleneck and

the little Kiwanis medallion.

And he does have the cutest little rear
end.

They notice everything. Nothing is
sacred, Walter. That's right.

Women have urges and feelings, too.

Yes, but your urges are for sewing and
cooking and making a home for the

Right, Morty? You should live so long,
Morty.

Now, come on, Mort. Everybody knows that
women don't have the same sex drive as

men. Right, Viv? Right, Carol? You
should live so long.

Men are all alike. You see, any time you
have a feeling,

it's something special.

Let a woman have exactly the same
feeling and it's suddenly tainted.

You're damn right it's tainted. How come
you kissed John Kepley in the kitchen?

Walter, I told you it was nothing. If
you ever kissed him, you'd find out for

yourself.

You can't argue with women, Walter.

They're more emotional than men and
therefore they're more unstable.

I mean, take the witches at Salem.

Well, listen to the folks in there,
aren't you? Just discovering that men

women have the same urges, huh? Well,
they all knew around here. Us primitive

folks have been knowing that we both
have the same urges.

Yeah, but you know, when you're married,
you're supposed to control those urges.

Well, that's why I apologize to you.

I fell asleep at the controls.

Hey, speaking of them primitive urges.

Well, I'll say one thing for a whit now.

They sure got good taste.

Did you have a nice

day off with Henry?

Mmm, like fine wine.

Hey, it's nice and warm in here.

We were very lucky, Florida. I managed
to find another man to fix the furnace.

I hope he's not as handsome as
Rittenhouse.

Honey, this one is so handsome, he makes
Wittenauer look like a dog's lunch.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.