Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's my...

Henry, Henry, don't argue with your wife. Just come on over here and take me

home.

Ain't nothing wrong with the bus. I just don't want to ride by myself.

I don't want to be anywhere by myself.

Henry, just do what I say, unless you want to sleep with the cat for your body

warmth.

Henry? Henry!

Men.

If men knew what women knew about men, men wouldn't have nothing to do with

themselves.

Listen, when you get there working over at Dr.

Harmon's, I want you to come by and get me because I don't want to go home

alone. It ain't safe for a girl on the street.

What do you mean, what girl? Me.

Well,

hello there, foxy mama.

Ain't safe in this house, neither. So you do like I say.

You're supposed to stay downstairs working on that furnace. Well, now,

even a plumber's got a right to sip a cup of coffee now and then.

Yeah. Well, you've been running up here for coffee like you're trying to clean

out Brazil.

Well, to tell you the truth, it ain't the coffee in here that's the feature

attraction. Mr. Fulton, you don't want to mess with me.

I'm sure I got about eight years on you.

Eight years of maturity, Florida.

Just like fine wine. That's what I got on my mind.

What you got on your mind is a bucket of beer and whoop -de -doo.

Now, I'm going to have to tell you again. I'm a married woman.

Yeah, but that don't stop you from being desirable.

Yeah, but it do stop me from being available.

Now, blow it off, super -blind.

Mr. Fulton! Uh -oh. Are you there, Mr.

Fulton? Just like General McAlpha said, I shall return.

Mr. Fulton.

Did you tell Mrs. Finley that I have to lay out another $600 to fix the furnace?

I'm afraid so, Mr. Finley.

You wait until the job's half done, and then you sock it to the customer, huh?

Well, that's unethical.

It would give me a lot of satisfaction to throw you right out of here.

Well, that's going to leave this house very high on satisfaction, but mighty

on temperature.

Come on, Moore, if you want to make that movie.

Walter, I'm hurrying, but it's so cold up here, my fingers are numb.

Well, if we don't get... By the time you get there, Jesus Christ Superstar will

have already risen.

Honey, I'm sorry, but judging makeup is very difficult when your nose is turning

blue. Oh, come on, cut it out, Mort. I'm not in the mood.

That con artist you found me to fix the furnace is going to charge... Walter,

please. You can't go around calling Mr. Fulton a con artist.

He's black.

He's black.

No kidding.

Hey, Mr. Fulton, you're...

The cake fell.

Florida, I have seen cakes fall in my time, but this is the first one that

screamed in pain.

Mean, mean.

Florida, don't tell me Mr. Fulton was making overtures.

Overture is nothing. He's heading straight for the finale.

Now you keep that.

Furnace picks are out of my kitchen. Oh, come on. Now, Florida, you've been

complaining about Mr. Fulton for three days. You're a big girl now. You can

handle it.

Besides, you have to expect this kind of thing from men when you're as

attractive and seasoned as we are. I know, like fine wine.

Don't tell me he's been eyeballing you, too.

Stop being so melodramatic. I am not being melodramatic.

Florida, has he put a hand on you? Has he done anything except ogle you? No,

with him, ogle is a four -letter word.

Look, Florida, I don't have time to argue with you now. I have to get going.

you can't. You can't leave me here alone. Mr. Finley is waiting for me.

Oh, all right, Florida. I'll talk to Mr.

Fulton. Oh, shut up, Walter.

Mr. Fulton, I'd like a word with you.

That's very nice, Walter.

Mommy's glad to hear you're practicing the horn.

Now knock it off!

Now look, Mr. Fulton, I'm going to make this brief. We're driving down to East

Tuckahoe to the movies.

Oh, that's where they play in Jesus Christ Superstar. That's the one where

black cat plays the villain, Judas.

It only goes to show how far my people has come toward equality.

and I am not in the mood for chit -chat or like that.

Oh, there's something wrong.

Y 'all don't like something about the work I've been doing downstairs, Miss Ma

'am?

No, the work is... Miss Ma 'am.

What did you say?

Oh, I said, and begging your pardon as I do, is you unhappy with my work?

No, I'm, uh, I'm, uh, I'm...

Satisfied completely.

I mean, if the lady ain't happy about my work, I'll change it fast in a frog's

tongue flicking in a pack of flies.

That is marvelous.

Faster than a frog's tongue flicking in a pack of flies. And you can quote me on

that if you want.

Now, is the lady's show she satisfied?

The lady's show.

I mean...

I mean, I'm completely satisfied. Completely satisfied. Well, in that

then, I guess I'll just shuffle along.

Florida, I mean, anyone can see the man is completely harmless. Yeah, you back

down faster than a frog's tongue sticking in a... Shut up.

Miss Finley, wait, please. Florida, Florida, you can handle this. Honey.

Do you think I would leave you if I thought you were in any danger?

Florida, I would cut off my arm for you. Well, then do it so I could beat him

over the head.

He's getting super stuck in weight. But I can't, Florida. You know how I hate to

come in in the middle of the Bible.

your tail up in the wind. You ready to go home? Not quite.

Well, then, hello and goodbye.

Wait!

Where are you off to?

Where do you think I'm off to?

Alcapulco. I just won a free trip with Henry Kissinger on the dating game.

Me?

Nothing. Nothing? Are you sure?

I said nothing, didn't I?

Nothing!

You call that nothing?

Well, you got plenty of nothing, but not that's plenty for me.

Don't be ridiculous. He's fixing our heating system. He's just a furnace man.

A furnace man, huh?

Well, baby...

like he was peeling a banana.

Well, if he tries to peel this banana, he's going to find out it's forbidden

fruit.

You ain't interested.

Me? No. The answer's no.

N -O.

I dig it. He really got your nose off, ain't he, girl?

Have you gone soft in the head?

He got eyes for me because he say I'm mature like fine wine.

I don't even want to be in the same house with him.

I don't trust him. Uh -oh, it ain't him you don't trust. It's you, baby.

Well, good luck.

Stella, you're not leaving. You don't see me doing nothing else, do you? Bye.

Don't worry.

Raindrops keep falling on my head. Here comes the weather report.

Oh, come on now, Florida, don't be like that.

Look, Mr. Fulton, I'm not your ordinary walk -in -the -front -door, walk -out

-the -back -door type of lady.

Exactly.

Florida, you are looking at a man who has never gazed upon you with anything

the greatest respect and holds the highest regard for your erudition.

My what?

Erudition. It's another word for intelligence.

I know that.

You see, Florida, you not only got beauty of the body and beauty of the

you got beauty of the brain.

You got erudition.

Now, you can't get mad at a man for worshiping your mind.

No, but... You're just loaded with words, ain't you?

Now, stop jiving me. I ain't jiving you, Florida. Oh, yes, you are, Mr. Fulton.

Hey, why don't you just call me by my first name, Wittenauer?

How come they give you a name like Whitnall anyway?

Oh, the same reason I got me a twin sister named Long Jean.

My daddy worked for the railroad.

I also got a brother named Ingersoll. You got to shake him to make him work.

I'm never going to believe anything you say, Whitnall.

Oh, damn, woman, you got a laugh that lights up the world. Not your world.

with me no longer.

Hey, let's celebrate bearing the hatchet. How about moving the body a

bit? I ain't got no time for that. I ain't got work to do. Oh, come on now,

Florida. You're missing the chance of a lifetime.

These are the fastest dancing feet in the furnace field.

Come on, let's dance.

Florida.

funny doing anything like this in the dining room.

Come on, let's drive in the living room.

You old devil, you.

Okay, well, we got to stay on the rug. I just polished the floor.

You ask me no questions. Oh, brother.

Yeah, you call your brother because you're going to need some help.

Yeah,

I'm going to wait. But while I'm waiting, I'm going to punch you out four

High, low, hard, and repeatedly.

Hold on. Before you engage in an act of violence, may I say one word?

What? Back!

Carry on with another man, would I? Call you to come over here and catch me?

Yeah, that's right, Floyd. I never thought of it that way.

Henry. That'd make you unfaithful and dumb.

A combination I don't need.

Like the man said.

Bye!

Bacon, bacon.

Ah, here it is. Here. I knew I had seen it.

Right here under the Nyack Food Fair, I am an American Day bacon special.

$1 .89 a pound.

Well, that's no big deal, Maude. It was only $1 .85 at the Dobbs Ferry Bohack.

Well, four cents is four cents. We'll drive to Dobbs Ferry.

During which we'll spend a dollar more in gasoline.

Oh, no, we'll still save money. The gas is on Walter's credit card.

Good morning, Mother.

Morning. Good morning, dear. Oh, crazy.

When are we going to get some heat in here? Oh, come on. Stop complaining,

Carol. Think of the millions of people starving in India.

When I complained, that's what my mother used to say to me.

Her? Then she'd hit me.

Good morning.

Morning, Florida.

Something tells me that this is the day to ask her to do the windows.

Florida, is something wrong? What makes you say that?

You're very late getting here. You seem very upset and you're...

Plucking that duster as if you're about to fricassee it.

No, we're not.

There's nothing wrong, Mrs. Finley. Everything is fine.

This hunky -dory couldn't be better. And it's all your fault.

My fault? What? You left me alone with that man, and I begged you not to. Oh,

Florida. Now my Henry has left me. He didn't come home last night. Florida!

There's no telling what lengths you wouldn't go to to get me to live in.

The 24th wedding anniversary present is going to be a divorce.

Oh, come on. Now, Florida, stop jumping to conclusions.

I mean, people don't get divorced every day, do they, girl?

I wish I hadn't said that.

Could I have done such a terrible thing? Oh, come on. Florida, you are not

capable of doing a terrible thing.

Now, tell me, what was the terrible thing you did?

I was alone with Hitler, and he started messing with me, and that's when my

Henry walked in. I thought he was going to kill him.

Florida, exactly what is the technical meaning of messing?

Oh, well, Maude, I think what she means is... And we know your technique.

Well, we was just dancing.

But to Henry's way of thinking, my dancing with that man is just a vertical

expression of a horizontal intention.

Conclusion. I'll tell you how dare he.

I love my Henry, but last night, that witness really turned me on.

All of a sudden, he had me feeling so young, I wasn't old enough to know

Laura, you can stop hating yourself.

Honey, what happened to you happens to any woman.

when a handsome younger man finds her attractive.

I mean, it happens to me all the time.

And to me as well. So you did nothing wrong.

I don't know.

I ain't never been divorced like you ladies.

That's right. We all have been divorced, haven't we? Some of us more divorced

than others.

I'd say expecting you was a fake encounter at both ends.

Now, come on, Florida.

What happened to you is part of a woman's nature. I mean, it's something

happens in the jeans.

Jeans, Levi's, I know the look.

23 years of happy marriage for 23 seconds of the funky chicken.

Well, now, if it ain't the lovely lady herself.

Don't you lovely lady me.

Hey, hold on, baby.

It ain't my fault you old man showed up uninvited in the middle of the

festivities. Didn't I tell you I was married?

Yeah, but you didn't tell me you were that married.

I mean, you got a highly serious husband.

Mr. Fulton, I just hope for your sake you ain't a bleeder.

I'm just excited that you have a couple of alternatives. And I've just decided

you got one.

Either that furnace fixer goes, or I do.

Florida, do you mean that after what happened last night, that man has the

to step foot in this house again? I'll handle this.

What, now where?

Jasper, Miss Finley, ma 'am. Now, look.

Don't you pull that Uncle Tom routine on me again.

Oh, that's not my Uncle Tom. That's my step -in fetcher. My Uncle Tom's much

more convincing.

house immediately.

Well, now, I hardly think that's a proper way to treat a member of a

minority group.

Now, look, this has nothing to do with you being black.

Oh, I wasn't talking about that minority. I was talking about the

local number 403.

Well,

we made it.

You ought to try jogging, Marty.

It's good for the lungs.

Arthur, do me a favor. Take your lungs and blow.

Mr. Finley, goodbye.

Wait a minute. Where are you going? That man is no longer welcome in this house,

Walter. I just fired him. Are you crazy?

The furnace is all torn apart.

Repairmen are booked weeks in advance. You stay right here, Mr. Baldwin.

you and I were no sooner out of this house last night when that man was on

high road to seducing Florida.

Well, I wasn't exactly on the high road. It was more like being on the on -ramp.

Finish that job!

Please?

Wow, I'm glad my hot water heating system's okay.

Those fellas have your right by the valves, don't they?

Congratulations, Walter. You have just driven Florida out of the house. Because

Whit now made a little pass?

Come on, Maud. Florida's got more sense than that.

Florida, you're not really considering leaving, are you? No, I'm not

it. I'm doing it. Look, you stay right where you are, Florida. I am going to

rid of this homewrecker.

Wittenauer! Maud, that homewrecker's putting our furnace together. We need

We need Florida more.

Now, look, Wittenauer, I do not care what Mr. Findley has said to you. I want

you out of this house immediately, and I'm... this very minute.

But I thought you got this, Henry.

Oh, quick, down in the van.

Henry! Florida, I want to talk to you in private.

Florida, after the way that man treated you, you're not going with him until he

begs your forgiveness.

Her forgiveness?

I'm waiting for her to beg my forgiveness.

You are what?

You expect her to stand here in front of all these people and beg your

forgiveness? Just what I said, woman.

nothing wrong. She has nothing to be ashamed of, and she will die before she

begs your forgiveness and humbles herself.

Isn't that right, Florida? Henry, I'm begging your forgiveness.

Florida! Shut up, Mort. I'm humbling myself.

Florida, you did nothing wrong. All you did was admit a harmless little

flirtation. Mrs. Finley, would you kindly butt out?

Right on!

I want you to meet Mrs. Cavender. Oh, how do you do? Dr. Harmon.

Nice day. And you know Carol, of course. What do you think this is, a party at

the White House?

Now listen to me, Henry Evans.

What happened with Florida is no different than what happened between me

John Kepley.

Maude, if they want your advice, they'll what happen between you and John

Kepley.

But Walter, we are talking about Florida.

We are not talking about a silly little kiss in the kitchen at the Henderson's.

Now listen to me, both of you. Henry and I can take care of it.

You kissed John Kempley?

Shame on you, Marty.

Come on, Arthur. Is that any different than New Year's Eve when you had a few

too many and pinched me on the stairs?

That wasn't a pinch.

I'm just picking a piece of confetti off the back of your skirt.

ridiculous double standard. We certainly have. What makes it okay for you guys

to sneak a pinch or a kiss? Because it's so harmless. We don't mean anything by

it. Well, neither do we, do we, Mother? Of course not.

I mean, it was just that John looked so adorable with that purple turtleneck and

the little Kiwanis medallion.

And he does have the cutest little rear end.

They notice everything. Nothing is sacred, Walter. That's right.

Women have urges and feelings, too.

Yes, but your urges are for sewing and cooking and making a home for the

Right, Morty? You should live so long, Morty.

Now, come on, Mort. Everybody knows that women don't have the same sex drive as

men. Right, Viv? Right, Carol? You should live so long.

Men are all alike. You see, any time you have a feeling,

it's something special.

Let a woman have exactly the same feeling and it's suddenly tainted.

You're damn right it's tainted. How come you kissed John Kepley in the kitchen?

Walter, I told you it was nothing. If you ever kissed him, you'd find out for

yourself.

You can't argue with women, Walter.

They're more emotional than men and therefore they're more unstable.

I mean, take the witches at Salem.

Well, listen to the folks in there, aren't you? Just discovering that men

women have the same urges, huh? Well, they all knew around here. Us primitive

folks have been knowing that we both have the same urges.

Yeah, but you know, when you're married, you're supposed to control those urges.

Well, that's why I apologize to you.

I fell asleep at the controls.

Hey, speaking of them primitive urges.

Well, I'll say one thing for a whit now.

They sure got good taste.

Did you have a nice

day off with Henry?

Mmm, like fine wine.

Hey, it's nice and warm in here.

We were very lucky, Florida. I managed to find another man to fix the furnace.

I hope he's not as handsome as Rittenhouse.

Honey, this one is so handsome, he makes Wittenauer look like a dog's lunch.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.