All language subtitles for maude_s02e05_maude_s_facelift_2

Well, what'd you decide?

What could I decide?

Walter is dying for me to have a
facelift.

Please stay tuned as Maude gets a
facelift. And everyone knows about it

Walter.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world...

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude.

And then there's Maude.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude.

That I'm compromising, enterprising,
anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Stella?

Walter, come on, you guys. Stop watching
television.

Come on downstairs.

In a minute, Carol.

There's something very important I want
to do first.

You know, Philip, there's something very
important we can learn from watching

Josie and the Pussycats in outer space.

What's that, Grandpa?

Though they're surrounded by Gorgo and
the Canyonians on one side, and Rulo and

the Arkovians on the other side, notice
how neat their clothes are at all times.

Maybe that's because they're the only
rock and roll band in outer space.

No, I... think it's basically because
they don't want their mothers to yell at

them like your mother yelled at you this
morning. Oh.

You see, Philip, women, especially
mothers, can't stand to see anything

done. They can't stand to see shirt
tails halfway out. They can't stand to

socks drooped halfway down. And in your
case this morning, they can't stand to

see your fly pulled only halfway up. You
understand?

Yeah, like it was a big deal or
something.

Well, women can't help it. It's a
sickness with them.

And there's a name for it.

It's called zippophobia.

What? You're darn right.

Now, so you don't get screamed at by
your mother anymore.

There's a couple of tricks of the trade
you should learn.

First of all, when you walk into a room
and there's ladies present, there's the

old thumb in the belt trick.

You nonchalantly hook your thumb in your
belt buckle, leaving your pinky free

for one quick check.

shirt -tail tuck never fails.

Tuck? Check.

You got me so far?

Yeah, but what do you do when you find
it's open?

Ah!

The first thing you do is you don't
panic.

You just casually turn away from the
women. Now, I mean you make a slow 90

-degree turn toward the wall, always
looking up and saying something like,

Well...

and it'll be a cover -up that'll make
Watergate look like nothing, okay?

But suppose you're surrounded by women.

Then you pull it all the way down,
they'll turn to the wall, and then you

Mr.

Finley. Well, I told Mrs. Finley I'd
work half a day on Saturday while she's

of town. She didn't tell me nothing
about beds couldn't be made until after

Scooby -Doo at the movies.

Well, this is Josie and the Pussycats.

I don't care if it's Bobby Seale and the
Pounders.

Now, Carol wants you downstairs, and I
gotta clean up this room.

In a little while. I gotta go to the
barber anyway.

But Carol wants you downstairs now.

Look, I don't care what Carol wants,
Florida. I'll go downstairs when I want

Must I remind you that a man's home is
his castle?

Yes, I know, Your Highness.

I'm going in to clean your throne right
now.

Oh, it's 20 after. Giving her an hour
and a half tops from the airport, she

ought to be here.

Oh, the chair. I forgot the chair. The
chair. Oh, the chair. Isn't this

exciting? Exciting.

Exciting. If I were any more excited,
I'd have to wrap myself in a box of

Pampers.

Look, we sit Walter right here. He'll
have a perfect view of Mother when she

walks in the door. Oh, he's going to be
so excited when he finds out Mother got

a facelift. Oh,

I remember when I got my facelift. Of
course.

I didn't have a husband to impress. The
only one waiting at home for me was my

goldfish, Edwin.

But then the goldfish bowl was so dirty,
he really couldn't see me very well.

Look, I know going through a divorce is
painful, but you'll meet other men. I

have. Life will be brighter, believe me.
That's easy for you to say. Carol,

you've got youth and beauty and a full
-figure bra.

They wanted $1 ,500 extra for that.

She was supposed to have Walter down
here hours ago.

I'll be right back.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, send me a
husband six feet tall.

If you think it works, make it two.

All right, send me a husband two feet
tall.

Florida!

You were supposed to bring Walter
downstairs.

Yeah, but that's fat Albert and the
Cosby kids.

You can go over to Andy's if you want.
Hey, Philip.

Okay, okay, Mom.

Well, well,

well.

What

was

that all about?

An historic moment, Carol. One small zip
for mankind.

I hope she hasn't changed her face too
much. Why, Florida? I was just getting

used to the old one.

Okay, okay.

Now, what's so important about this?
Come on, come on. Here, I want you to

down in this chair and keep your eyes...

the swimsuit competition.

Now, what's going on here?

Arthur, do you know? I'm as much in the
dark as you are, Walter. I didn't even

know I was being considered for the Miss
America competition.

Now, this doesn't make any sense at all.
Oh, Walter, look, I'll tell you.

Mother isn't coming home from Boston
tomorrow. She's coming home today. It's

surprise. She's coming home today? Yes.

Good. I'll be back from the barbershop
in 20 minutes. No, no, Walter.

You've got to make an appointment with
this guy.

He's not only a barber, he's a bookie.
He's got one chair and 20 telephones.

Oh, shoot.

Mother's going to be so disappointed.

Yeah, you may be looking at a brand new
face, but you'll be hearing the same old

mouth.

Would somebody mind telling me what's
happening here?

Oh, Arthur, well, you see, this is a big
surprise for Walter, Arthur. He doesn't

know it yet, but while Maude's been
visiting her mother in Boston the last

weeks... She's actually been getting a
facelift.

Marty, why would Marty get a facelift?

Oh, well, probably because I got one,
Arthur, and you know what I did for my

morale. No, what?

Oh, forget it, Arthur.

Oh, she's here!

one look at me and throw me right down
on the couch.

Walter, where are you? Where's he
hiding? Walter?

Mother, he's not here.

Oh, come on, Carol, you're such a tease.

Walter, sweetheart,

Tinkerbell's home.

He's not here.

Oh, now, what do you take me for, Carol?
When I called you last night and told

you to keep him here, I knew you'd do
that.

Walter!

And to think I married Chester so you'd
be legitimate.

My father was Barney.

Whoever.

Mother, I'm sorry.

He insisted on getting a haircut. I
tried to keep him here. I really did.

come on, Carol. If you had really tried,
Walter would be standing here now

nailed to the floor.

Now, Ma, she really did try.

I'm so disappointed.

I wanted Walter to be the first to see
the new me.

I'd better not cry. If I get my face
wet, it might turn into silly putty.

Oh, now, come on. He'll be here in a
minute. Besides, I don't want to wait

him. I want to see him. Come on. No, no,
no, no, no, no, no.

I made myself a promise that Walter
would be the first one to see it.

Besides, kids, it was a very exciting
experience. Don't you want to hear about

anything that happened to me? Don't you
have any questions? I've got a question,

Ms. Finley.

Tell us what it was like at the
hospital.

Oh, I'm glad you asked. It was so funny
at the hospital. I roomed with two other

women. One, a 17 -year -old pre
-debutante who was having her nose

And the other was a 38 -year -old fanny
freak.

A fanny freak?

Yes, she was having her buttocks
reduced.

Or as they called it in the hospital, a
keister correction.

That too?

That's right, Florida.

If Maude had been really smart, she'd
have had her facelift one day and then

three days later rounded it off with a
fanny fix.

Think of the time you'd have saved
having that done, Arthur.

With you, it's the same operation.

Where is Walter? He doesn't have that
much hair.

to you first. I was going to wait and
show Walter first, but logically

I'll die if I don't show Walter. Stop,
honey. I can't even wait to see me, my

dear. Oh, look, I'll be down in a
minute.

Oh, listen, I put some music on for your
entrance. Oh, come on, honey, don't be

ridiculous. Don't you think you're
overdoing it?

The Montevani album, third song on the
record.

Well, aren't it obvious you think we
women are pretty silly with our

No, no.

I remember telling my wife, Agnes, about
her female behavior.

Agnes, I said, if it makes you happy,
you do what you think is best.

That was just before she died.

I'm just another pretty face.

Mr. Finley, please.

No, it's not the name of a horse. He's
getting a haircut.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Walter left the barbershop ten minutes
ago. He ought to be here any second. Any

second. Any second. All right, look,
Carol, you look out the window. Let me

the minute you see him, and I'll stand
over here so I'll be in full view when

walks in. Oh, Lord. For contrast, I wish
I had my old face to stand next to.

Now, Marty, calm down. I know it's nerve
-wracking waiting to show Walter your

new face that makes you look five years
younger.

Six.

Six years younger.

That's what we decided at the hospital.

Let's see, at $1 ,800, that comes to
about 20 cents a wrinkle.

I hope he loves it.

Oh, you know he's going to love it. Of
course he'll love it. Carol?

Not yet.

Not yet. Oh, Carol, honey, this is all
your fault. I come in looking six years

younger. Walter's been gone so long,
I've already aged a year.

I'm changing faster than Lon Chaney
during a full moon.

Oh, now, you really mustn't do this to
yourself.

Mother, will you calm down? Walter's
going to love it. The way you look. The

I look. The way I look, I look terrible.
Where's my lipstick?

Mother, your makeup is perfect. You look
gorgeous. Oh, get off my back, Carol.

Oh, look what you made me do. Mother!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry if
I'm picking at you. But, sweetheart, if

I'm behaving irrationally, it's only
because more than anything else in this

world, I want Walter to walk in that
door and see a new, radiant, beautiful,

youthful face.

Mark! Mark! Mark!

Mark! Mark!

I know that beautiful rear end anyway.

Not yet, Walter. Not yet. Not yet. Not
yet, Walter.

Not yet. Heel, Walter!

Hello, Walter.

Walter,

I can't. Walter, you let go of me.

I'll never let go. I'm going to hold you
like this forever.

Walter, honey, Vivian and Carol and
Arthur are here.

I can't hug everyone.

I'm going to squeeze you for three weeks
because that's how long we've been

apart. Honey, that's exactly the point
I'm making, sweetheart. People can

in three weeks.

I want to see what you look like,
Walter.

Oh, more, more, more. Please, honey, let
me see you.

Come on, Walter, let me look at you.

Walter, it's been through. Walter,
either burp me or let me go.

Now then, stand back.

A little further.

Walter, darling, there's only one thing
that I haven't had for years.

It only seems that long, sweetheart, but
it's only been three years.

Wrong, Walter, it'll be years.

Carol,

is she mad at me?

Walter, if this is your idea of a joke,
it isn't very funny, it's cruel.

What did I do?

Do you mean to tell us you didn't know?

That you couldn't tell?

Tell what?

That Maude got a facelift.

Maude got a facelift? How could you miss
it? It's as plain as the face on her

face.

Holy mackerel. I was so happy to see
her, I guess I just didn't look at her.

Dummy, dummy, dummy.

Harder, Walter.

Use that.

And when you're finished, you better
apologize to her.

Apologize?

How can I say...

Anything to Maud knowing how she must
feel now.

I'd rather face World War III.

What do I do?

I know.

My glasses.

I'll make believe I didn't notice the
change because I wasn't wearing my

glasses. What an idea!

Isn't it great?

My three closest friends in the world
here to assure Maud that that's how it

happened. My three closest friends to
back me up.

I have to pick up Philip and go to the
movies. Bye.

My two closest friends. I just
remembered that I promised my mother I'd

her a basket of chicken.

Your mother's in Florida.

Well, that's why I have to hurry.

Arthur, if I have one friend in this
world, better call him.

I'm leaving now, Mr. Finley.

you before in my life.

Mort?

Okay, Findley.

Save your marriage.

Hi, Mort.

Lord, I'm anxious to hear about your
mother.

You know how I love your mother.

By the way, have you seen my glasses?

She's such a warm, sweet... Oh, here
they are!

And Boston!

Oh, Boston must be marvelous at this
time of...

performance I've seen since Buster Crabb
played Tarzan.

And all he had to do was grunt at a
monkey.

Please, listen.

As soon as I put on my glasses... You
knew I wouldn't dare hit you.

Please, Maud!

Carol told you about the facelift. Don't
give me that I -just -put -on -my

-glasses routine.

Oh, Maud, your face, your face, it's
beautiful.

Out of sight!

I'll be honest with you. I lied.

But there was a reason for it. I know,
Walter. National security.

Oh, don't make excuses, Walter.

Excuses only make it worse.

No, and don't look at me.

You'll never see this face again,
Walter.

I'm going to keep it hidden in a closet
with the light out.

Maud, it is a beautiful face. Come on,
Maud. Stop overreacting.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I know I am.

but, Walter, I may have made a terrible
mistake.

What mistake?

Sweetheart, our faces always looked as
though they belonged together, and now I

don't know. I mean, I have a feeling
that we'll never be the same couple

especially me.

What are you talking about? Come over
here and look in the mirror. We still

perfect together. No, I don't want to
see us, Walter. Come over here and look

the mirror.

I want to show you. Walter.

Here's my favorite picture of us.

The one taken in the Henderson swimming
pool.

See, I'm a head taller than you are
because I have more natural buoyancy.

Walter, I'm tearing me out of this.

Maude, come over here and take a look.
No.

I goofed. I goofed, Walter. I made a
terrible goof. Just take one look.

the greatest goof I've ever made. The
greatest goof anything.

It's still us.

No, it isn't, Walter.

Of course it is. No, it isn't.

Walter, we'll never be able to walk into
a crowded room again without

everybody saying, who's that chick with
Walter Finn?

Walter, you're an old man.

But when I came home tonight, I was so
happy to see you. I mean, I was just so

happy. I mean, not just because you look
five years younger. Six.

I didn't see just your face.

I saw you. All of you.

And I loved every inch I saw. The whole
package. I loved it.

I love your mouth.

Your nose.

Your eyes.

Your hand.

Your knee.

Your toe.

Stop, Walter.

Don't forget the instep.

We are.

If we can get your parents' permission,
will you marry me?

Oh, honey.

Oh, Walter.

You certainly know the way to a girl's
face.

How did it go today?

Oh, I better not tell you. Oh, come on,
what happened?

Well, well, you know that I went into
town to have luncheon with Carol today,

and... No, I better not tell you. Come
on, what happened?

Well, well, we were sitting in the
restaurant, Carol and I, and this very

attractive young man was at the bar, and
he... Forget it.

For crying out loud, what'd he say?

Well, he came over to us and he put two
drinks in front of us and he said, Are

you girls with the airline?

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.