Original subtitles

Well, what'd you decide?

What could I decide?

Walter is dying for me to have a facelift.

Please stay tuned as Maude gets a facelift. And everyone knows about it

Walter.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world...

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

And then there's Maude.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That I'm compromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Stella?

Walter, come on, you guys. Stop watching television.

Come on downstairs.

In a minute, Carol.

There's something very important I want to do first.

You know, Philip, there's something very important we can learn from watching

Josie and the Pussycats in outer space.

What's that, Grandpa?

Though they're surrounded by Gorgo and the Canyonians on one side, and Rulo and

the Arkovians on the other side, notice how neat their clothes are at all times.

Maybe that's because they're the only rock and roll band in outer space.

No, I... think it's basically because they don't want their mothers to yell at

them like your mother yelled at you this morning. Oh.

You see, Philip, women, especially mothers, can't stand to see anything

done. They can't stand to see shirt tails halfway out. They can't stand to

socks drooped halfway down. And in your case this morning, they can't stand to

see your fly pulled only halfway up. You understand?

Yeah, like it was a big deal or something.

Well, women can't help it. It's a sickness with them.

And there's a name for it.

It's called zippophobia.

What? You're darn right.

Now, so you don't get screamed at by your mother anymore.

There's a couple of tricks of the trade you should learn.

First of all, when you walk into a room and there's ladies present, there's the

old thumb in the belt trick.

You nonchalantly hook your thumb in your belt buckle, leaving your pinky free

for one quick check.

shirt -tail tuck never fails.

Tuck? Check.

You got me so far?

Yeah, but what do you do when you find it's open?

Ah!

The first thing you do is you don't panic.

You just casually turn away from the women. Now, I mean you make a slow 90

-degree turn toward the wall, always looking up and saying something like,

Well...

and it'll be a cover -up that'll make Watergate look like nothing, okay?

But suppose you're surrounded by women.

Then you pull it all the way down, they'll turn to the wall, and then you

Mr.

Finley. Well, I told Mrs. Finley I'd work half a day on Saturday while she's

of town. She didn't tell me nothing about beds couldn't be made until after

Scooby -Doo at the movies.

Well, this is Josie and the Pussycats.

I don't care if it's Bobby Seale and the Pounders.

Now, Carol wants you downstairs, and I gotta clean up this room.

In a little while. I gotta go to the barber anyway.

But Carol wants you downstairs now.

Look, I don't care what Carol wants, Florida. I'll go downstairs when I want

Must I remind you that a man's home is his castle?

Yes, I know, Your Highness.

I'm going in to clean your throne right now.

Oh, it's 20 after. Giving her an hour and a half tops from the airport, she

ought to be here.

Oh, the chair. I forgot the chair. The chair. Oh, the chair. Isn't this

exciting? Exciting.

Exciting. If I were any more excited, I'd have to wrap myself in a box of

Pampers.

Look, we sit Walter right here. He'll have a perfect view of Mother when she

walks in the door. Oh, he's going to be so excited when he finds out Mother got

a facelift. Oh,

I remember when I got my facelift. Of course.

I didn't have a husband to impress. The only one waiting at home for me was my

goldfish, Edwin.

But then the goldfish bowl was so dirty, he really couldn't see me very well.

Look, I know going through a divorce is painful, but you'll meet other men. I

have. Life will be brighter, believe me. That's easy for you to say. Carol,

you've got youth and beauty and a full -figure bra.

They wanted $1 ,500 extra for that.

She was supposed to have Walter down here hours ago.

I'll be right back.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, send me a husband six feet tall.

If you think it works, make it two.

All right, send me a husband two feet tall.

Florida!

You were supposed to bring Walter downstairs.

Yeah, but that's fat Albert and the Cosby kids.

You can go over to Andy's if you want. Hey, Philip.

Okay, okay, Mom.

Well, well,

well.

What

was

that all about?

An historic moment, Carol. One small zip for mankind.

I hope she hasn't changed her face too much. Why, Florida? I was just getting

used to the old one.

Okay, okay.

Now, what's so important about this? Come on, come on. Here, I want you to

down in this chair and keep your eyes...

the swimsuit competition.

Now, what's going on here?

Arthur, do you know? I'm as much in the dark as you are, Walter. I didn't even

know I was being considered for the Miss America competition.

Now, this doesn't make any sense at all. Oh, Walter, look, I'll tell you.

Mother isn't coming home from Boston tomorrow. She's coming home today. It's

surprise. She's coming home today? Yes.

Good. I'll be back from the barbershop in 20 minutes. No, no, Walter.

You've got to make an appointment with this guy.

He's not only a barber, he's a bookie. He's got one chair and 20 telephones.

Oh, shoot.

Mother's going to be so disappointed.

Yeah, you may be looking at a brand new face, but you'll be hearing the same old

mouth.

Would somebody mind telling me what's happening here?

Oh, Arthur, well, you see, this is a big surprise for Walter, Arthur. He doesn't

know it yet, but while Maude's been visiting her mother in Boston the last

weeks... She's actually been getting a facelift.

Marty, why would Marty get a facelift?

Oh, well, probably because I got one, Arthur, and you know what I did for my

morale. No, what?

Oh, forget it, Arthur.

Oh, she's here!

one look at me and throw me right down on the couch.

Walter, where are you? Where's he hiding? Walter?

Mother, he's not here.

Oh, come on, Carol, you're such a tease.

Walter, sweetheart,

Tinkerbell's home.

He's not here.

Oh, now, what do you take me for, Carol? When I called you last night and told

you to keep him here, I knew you'd do that.

Walter!

And to think I married Chester so you'd be legitimate.

My father was Barney.

Whoever.

Mother, I'm sorry.

He insisted on getting a haircut. I tried to keep him here. I really did.

come on, Carol. If you had really tried, Walter would be standing here now

nailed to the floor.

Now, Ma, she really did try.

I'm so disappointed.

I wanted Walter to be the first to see the new me.

I'd better not cry. If I get my face wet, it might turn into silly putty.

Oh, now, come on. He'll be here in a minute. Besides, I don't want to wait

him. I want to see him. Come on. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I made myself a promise that Walter would be the first one to see it.

Besides, kids, it was a very exciting experience. Don't you want to hear about

anything that happened to me? Don't you have any questions? I've got a question,

Ms. Finley.

Tell us what it was like at the hospital.

Oh, I'm glad you asked. It was so funny at the hospital. I roomed with two other

women. One, a 17 -year -old pre -debutante who was having her nose

And the other was a 38 -year -old fanny freak.

A fanny freak?

Yes, she was having her buttocks reduced.

Or as they called it in the hospital, a keister correction.

That too?

That's right, Florida.

If Maude had been really smart, she'd have had her facelift one day and then

three days later rounded it off with a fanny fix.

Think of the time you'd have saved having that done, Arthur.

With you, it's the same operation.

Where is Walter? He doesn't have that much hair.

to you first. I was going to wait and show Walter first, but logically

I'll die if I don't show Walter. Stop, honey. I can't even wait to see me, my

dear. Oh, look, I'll be down in a minute.

Oh, listen, I put some music on for your entrance. Oh, come on, honey, don't be

ridiculous. Don't you think you're overdoing it?

The Montevani album, third song on the record.

Well, aren't it obvious you think we women are pretty silly with our

No, no.

I remember telling my wife, Agnes, about her female behavior.

Agnes, I said, if it makes you happy, you do what you think is best.

That was just before she died.

I'm just another pretty face.

Mr. Finley, please.

No, it's not the name of a horse. He's getting a haircut.

Oh, okay, thank you.

Walter left the barbershop ten minutes ago. He ought to be here any second. Any

second. Any second. All right, look, Carol, you look out the window. Let me

the minute you see him, and I'll stand over here so I'll be in full view when

walks in. Oh, Lord. For contrast, I wish I had my old face to stand next to.

Now, Marty, calm down. I know it's nerve -wracking waiting to show Walter your

new face that makes you look five years younger.

Six.

Six years younger.

That's what we decided at the hospital.

Let's see, at $1 ,800, that comes to about 20 cents a wrinkle.

I hope he loves it.

Oh, you know he's going to love it. Of course he'll love it. Carol?

Not yet.

Not yet. Oh, Carol, honey, this is all your fault. I come in looking six years

younger. Walter's been gone so long, I've already aged a year.

I'm changing faster than Lon Chaney during a full moon.

Oh, now, you really mustn't do this to yourself.

Mother, will you calm down? Walter's going to love it. The way you look. The

I look. The way I look, I look terrible. Where's my lipstick?

Mother, your makeup is perfect. You look gorgeous. Oh, get off my back, Carol.

Oh, look what you made me do. Mother!

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry if I'm picking at you. But, sweetheart, if

I'm behaving irrationally, it's only because more than anything else in this

world, I want Walter to walk in that door and see a new, radiant, beautiful,

youthful face.

Mark! Mark! Mark!

Mark! Mark!

I know that beautiful rear end anyway.

Not yet, Walter. Not yet. Not yet. Not yet, Walter.

Not yet. Heel, Walter!

Hello, Walter.

Walter,

I can't. Walter, you let go of me.

I'll never let go. I'm going to hold you like this forever.

Walter, honey, Vivian and Carol and Arthur are here.

I can't hug everyone.

I'm going to squeeze you for three weeks because that's how long we've been

apart. Honey, that's exactly the point I'm making, sweetheart. People can

in three weeks.

I want to see what you look like, Walter.

Oh, more, more, more. Please, honey, let me see you.

Come on, Walter, let me look at you.

Walter, it's been through. Walter, either burp me or let me go.

Now then, stand back.

A little further.

Walter, darling, there's only one thing that I haven't had for years.

It only seems that long, sweetheart, but it's only been three years.

Wrong, Walter, it'll be years.

Carol,

is she mad at me?

Walter, if this is your idea of a joke, it isn't very funny, it's cruel.

What did I do?

Do you mean to tell us you didn't know?

That you couldn't tell?

Tell what?

That Maude got a facelift.

Maude got a facelift? How could you miss it? It's as plain as the face on her

face.

Holy mackerel. I was so happy to see her, I guess I just didn't look at her.

Dummy, dummy, dummy.

Harder, Walter.

Use that.

And when you're finished, you better apologize to her.

Apologize?

How can I say...

Anything to Maud knowing how she must feel now.

I'd rather face World War III.

What do I do?

I know.

My glasses.

I'll make believe I didn't notice the change because I wasn't wearing my

glasses. What an idea!

Isn't it great?

My three closest friends in the world here to assure Maud that that's how it

happened. My three closest friends to back me up.

I have to pick up Philip and go to the movies. Bye.

My two closest friends. I just remembered that I promised my mother I'd

her a basket of chicken.

Your mother's in Florida.

Well, that's why I have to hurry.

Arthur, if I have one friend in this world, better call him.

I'm leaving now, Mr. Finley.

you before in my life.

Mort?

Okay, Findley.

Save your marriage.

Hi, Mort.

Lord, I'm anxious to hear about your mother.

You know how I love your mother.

By the way, have you seen my glasses?

She's such a warm, sweet... Oh, here they are!

And Boston!

Oh, Boston must be marvelous at this time of...

performance I've seen since Buster Crabb played Tarzan.

And all he had to do was grunt at a monkey.

Please, listen.

As soon as I put on my glasses... You knew I wouldn't dare hit you.

Please, Maud!

Carol told you about the facelift. Don't give me that I -just -put -on -my

-glasses routine.

Oh, Maud, your face, your face, it's beautiful.

Out of sight!

I'll be honest with you. I lied.

But there was a reason for it. I know, Walter. National security.

Oh, don't make excuses, Walter.

Excuses only make it worse.

No, and don't look at me.

You'll never see this face again, Walter.

I'm going to keep it hidden in a closet with the light out.

Maud, it is a beautiful face. Come on, Maud. Stop overreacting.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I know I am.

but, Walter, I may have made a terrible mistake.

What mistake?

Sweetheart, our faces always looked as though they belonged together, and now I

don't know. I mean, I have a feeling that we'll never be the same couple

especially me.

What are you talking about? Come over here and look in the mirror. We still

perfect together. No, I don't want to see us, Walter. Come over here and look

the mirror.

I want to show you. Walter.

Here's my favorite picture of us.

The one taken in the Henderson swimming pool.

See, I'm a head taller than you are because I have more natural buoyancy.

Walter, I'm tearing me out of this.

Maude, come over here and take a look. No.

I goofed. I goofed, Walter. I made a terrible goof. Just take one look.

the greatest goof I've ever made. The greatest goof anything.

It's still us.

No, it isn't, Walter.

Of course it is. No, it isn't.

Walter, we'll never be able to walk into a crowded room again without

everybody saying, who's that chick with Walter Finn?

Walter, you're an old man.

But when I came home tonight, I was so happy to see you. I mean, I was just so

happy. I mean, not just because you look five years younger. Six.

I didn't see just your face.

I saw you. All of you.

And I loved every inch I saw. The whole package. I loved it.

I love your mouth.

Your nose.

Your eyes.

Your hand.

Your knee.

Your toe.

Stop, Walter.

Don't forget the instep.

We are.

If we can get your parents' permission, will you marry me?

Oh, honey.

Oh, Walter.

You certainly know the way to a girl's face.

How did it go today?

Oh, I better not tell you. Oh, come on, what happened?

Well, well, you know that I went into town to have luncheon with Carol today,

and... No, I better not tell you. Come on, what happened?

Well, well, we were sitting in the restaurant, Carol and I, and this very

attractive young man was at the bar, and he... Forget it.

For crying out loud, what'd he say?

Well, he came over to us and he put two drinks in front of us and he said, Are

you girls with the airline?

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.