Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

Did you get the job?

Did you get the job? Mother, how did it go? Did you get the job?

Carol, my dear.

I am going to tell you something very important about life from someone with a

great deal of experience.

It's Dink.

He didn't get the job. Oh, I knew ten seconds after I walked into Mr. Kirsch's

office that I didn't have it. He looked at me and took out his fingernail

clippers.

And as if that weren't enough, he spent 20 minutes raving about his new Japanese

car. He gets 35 miles to the gallon and the engine goes...

Mother, the job was to sell chemical supplies, wasn't it? I mean, you don't

any experience. Oh, come on, Carol. The ad said no experience necessary.

Besides, look at me and tell me I'm not a person you'd buy sulfuric acid from.

You're probably looking for a man.

Oh, sure.

It's all your fault. My fault?

Carol, you knew when I walked out of the house today that it was one of my fat

days. Why didn't you stop me?

What are you talking about?

Carol, blue and fat do not work.

I wear blue on a thin day.

Mother, you look beautiful.

I look like a blue whale.

If I'd been swimming in this dress, I would have been harpooned in 30 seconds.

Well, you may not love yourself today, but I do.

Besides, I have some news that'll cheer you up.

Vivian called. She's coming over for lunch.

Vivian is back? Yes, and she says she has a wonderful surprise. A surprise?

Vivian found a man. That's it. She found a man.

What?

Why would you assume that? Oh, come on, honey. She just came back from five

weeks into the Caribbean where she went to forget her divorce.

Now, she's not going to surprise us with a coconut.

Please let her bring back a new husband.

Or even an old one.

If she found a husband, we would have heard about it. A lover. A lover? That's

even better. Tell me, did she giggle? I don't think so. Why?

Then it's not a lover or any other kind of man.

Now, whenever Vivian thinks of a man, she giggles.

That's why Chuck divorced her. She only giggled twice a year.

Well, the poor old thing. The least we can do is get a welcome home luncheon

ready for her. Florida's working on it.

Florida, what are you making?

In two words, a mess.

It's Eggs Benedict.

Eggs Benedict. Benedict, that's Vivian's favorite fish. How thoughtful of you,

Florida. Better hold off on the congratulations, Mrs. Finley. This

sauce is murder.

Who ever heard of eggs covered with a sauce made out of eggs?

It's got to plug up your veins in ten minutes.

Well, what does Vivian have to keep her veins open for anyway?

Poor lonely thing.

Mother, she'll find another man. I'm sure she will. I hope so. Then at least

of us will be happy.

How can you compare yourself to Vivian just because you didn't get that job?

You've got a good home, a loving husband, a beautiful grandson, a

a daughter.

And what's Vivian got?

A brand new set of divorce papers.

And her maid drinks.

Florida housekeeper, not maid.

Now stop it. being a racist.

Her housekeeper's white.

Oh, that's right.

Then her maid drinks.

Well, anyway, the sooner Vivian finds a man, the better. You know, she's no

spring chicken.

Oh, she's your age, isn't she?

Well, thank you, Carol.

I see you're still trying to get even with me for not buying you that pony.

For your information, my dear, Vivian is three weeks younger than I am. But the

poor thing looks three years older.

Oh, see, it's not aging well.

Now, her skin is beginning to look like one of those drip -dry seersuckers.

Come on, honey, help me set the table.

Come on, Arthur, come on!

If you insist on cheating, I'm not going to play golf with you anymore. I was

not cheating!

We're playing winter rules, right? That means you can move your ball, right?

Right, but not out of a sand trap and onto the green.

Listen, honey... What? Did you get the job? No, I don't even want to talk about

that. Something much more exciting has happened.

Viv is back!

Viv is back. Yippee! Viv is back! Terrific!

Hooray for Viv!

Okay,

okay, heckle and jackal, knock it off.

Now, the thing is, she told Carol... But she has a surprise for us. And I think,

you ready?

She found a man.

Does that mean I lose my invitation to lunch?

Oh, come on now, Arthur. Would I do that to you?

To the only man I know who joined Select -A -Date and got stood up by a

computer?

You stay, Arthur. Thanks, Maude. That makes my day. Look over here. You

again. You didn't count your shot. You missed on the eighth hole. That was a

warm -up swing, Walter. Come on, Arthur. That was no warm -up swing.

After you take a warm -up swing, you don't clench your teeth, swear, and then

look around to see if I'm watching.

You cheated. Admit it.

Hello, Carol.

Vivian. Come here. Come here.

You've got a secret that I don't want anyone to know, especially your mother.

I've had a facelift.

I just want to see what they do when they notice us, okay?

Hello, Walter.

Hello, Arthur.

Hi there, Vivian.

Walter, doesn't she look beautiful?

Vivian, you look absolutely fabulous.

Oh, aren't you sweet?

Will you look at her, Arthur?

Yeah, Vivian, you look absolutely fabulous.

Doesn't she look ten years younger?

Well, I guess it must be the light in here.

I know what it is.

You lost a couple of pounds, you had a good rest, and it shows in your face.

It's perfectly obvious what it is, Walter. She's not wearing her glasses.

I never wore glasses, Arthur.

I should keep it a secret. I promise. Promise.

Promise. All right.

I didn't go to the Caribbean.

I checked into Mount Sinai.

Then I had a facelift.

You look a hundred years younger.

Mount Sinai.

That was done by Gorton, right?

Gorton?

The man is an absolute miracle worker.

He's the top man in the country when it comes to plastic surgery.

Oh, he flies all over the world. He does royalty, movie stars.

Absolutely the best man there is. It was Dr.

Werdemer, Arthur.

Werdemer? Oh, well, he's much better than Gordon.

I knew it had to be Gordon or Werdemer. You can always tell they're working.

Arthur, you thought she took off her glasses.

Exactly. That's how you tell word of his work. All his patients look like they

just took their glasses off.

Remarkable. A person looking at you would never know you had a facelift. Oh,

honestly. No, you'd never know. Nobody could ever tell. Not in a million years.

Nobody in the world would ever know you'd had a facelift, Biff.

Biff is.

My God, you had a facelift.

Oh, Vivian, you look absolutely nice.

But I must ask, Vivian, why did you do it? I mean, we both agreed we didn't

one. Oh, but I was getting tired of looking 47, Maude. But 47 is such a

groovy age.

She looks sensational, doesn't she, Mother?

You were supposed to be in the Caribbean. I know, Maude, but, you know,

taxi cab on the way to the airport, I happened to look at my passport picture,

and then I glanced up and I saw the picture of the cab driver.

Maude, I was the spitting image of Leo Pilsudski.

I told him to turn right at the next corner, and I checked into Mount Sinai.

Well, I'm so disappointed, Viv. I mean, not in your lift.

No, that's nice, but...

Vivian, you were supposed to bring back primitive fabrics.

We were going to make dresses. I did. The tropic shop, Macy's. They're in the

car.

Then the surprise that you told Carol about was... Well,

I am a little bit stunned.

I mean, Vivian, you were aging so beautifully.

That's your youth culture, Marty. My youth, my youth, my kingdom for my

You see, we all have this image of ourselves, but at a younger age.

Well, it's a traumatic shock to look in the mirror one day and see a stranger

there, somebody much older, like Vivian in her passport picture.

Well, you see, I wouldn't know.

I mean, my passport picture looks like a Picasso.

That's right.

Looks just like him.

Well, I'll go see about lunch. Wait a minute, Maude.

You do think I did the right thing. I mean, I look all right, don't I?

Viv, Viv, you're stunning.

But then, honey, you always were a stunning woman.

And you always had a great inner beauty, too.

Vivian, it's like, it's like the grain of the wood of a really fine, authentic

antique.

An antique?

No, no, no.

You know, it has a depth. It has a patina. It has a history.

You wonder where it's been and what it's been through, you know. But there are

some people who would take that same antique and sand it.

I mean, Vivian, you are a stunning, beautiful woman who has just been

The patina and the depth is gone. But then again, dear, I mean, age matters to

you, Viv. See, it's never mattered to me. I accept my age.

I mean, I love the depth and the history of my faith, but you're different.

Sweetheart, I want you to know that I am happy for you.

Truly, truly happy.

That witch has made me look 110 years old!

What if I wore it over my face?

Maude, now, you know what I mean. I just don't think green's your color. Here,

why don't you try the red?

Well, now you see?

That's your color.

Yeah, red has always been my color.

I hate red.

Vivian, it's that remodeling job.

Why did you have it done?

I mean, you'd never see me running off to get a facelift.

Maude, you've got a husband. It doesn't matter what you look like.

Thank you, Vivian.

When your new face falls, don't expect me to pick it up.

Maude, I'm out there competing with young girls. for men. And let me tell

my dear, it is a jungle where only the young survive.

What is that, Vivian?

Cosmopolitan's version of the Darwin theory?

There is something in what you say, but Vivian, you would have found a man in

time. I mean, your problem is that everything has to be now.

You are an hysteric, Vivian. Believe me, there is more to life than getting a

man. You know, it's all very well for you to sit there and put down the need

having a man. You've got... one. Well, listen, I'm your age and I am fed up too

here with TV dinners for one.

I've got news for you, Maude. Chef Boyardee, Colonel Sanders, and Sarah Lee

not a family make.

Miss Finley, I'm leaving now. In a minute, Florida.

Look, Vivian, whether or not you have a few lines around your eyes has nothing

to do with having a man in your life.

That's a lot of sexist propaganda that some of us choose not to succumb to. I

mean, take Florida. You'd never see her running off to get a facelift.

Oh, no, Henry don't care what my face looks like as long as I keep my girlish

figure.

Florida, if we want Geraldine, we'll get Flip Wilson.

I mean, really, Vivian, how could you go through all that... and bother. It was

nothing. It didn't hurt a bit.

How do they do it? Oh, it's very easy, Florida.

Don't bore Florida with your operation.

All they do is cut it here and pull it back and just snip a little off and sew

it back up again.

Schultz, my butcher, does the same thing when he's stuffing a duck.

Isn't that something?

Where's the scar?

Oh, the scar's hidden back in there. Look, you see?

Well, look at that.

Ain't that...

My, my, my.

You see, Florida is horrified.

Now, Florida, you'd never do anything like that, would you? We don't even

straighten our hair anymore.

Besides, God didn't give us wrinkles.

I think he figured he gave us enough trouble already when he made us black.

I'll see you Monday.

Bye -bye, Florida.

You know, I know what's bothering you.

You're upset over my facelift because next to me you suddenly look older.

Honestly,

Vivian Cavender, everything you do is the best.

I remember after your hysterectomy, you were recommending one to everyone.

Walter almost went out and got one.

You know what I think, Ron?

You know what I think?

I think you're jealous.

Me? Me jealous?

Of skin that looks like a fish? sheet?

Listen, Vivian Cavender, if you think I'm going to stand here in my bedroom

listen to any more of this nonsense, you'll... Good night,

Jill.

out of control. Your mother's insanely jealous over my facelift. She can't

she wants one, too.

Don't scream, Vivian. Your cement might not be dry yet.

Honestly,

at her age, a late -blooming teenybopper.

Mother, would you like to get a facelift?

Me? A facelift? Carol, I'm really shocked.

I'm shocked that my own daughter, a second generation feminist, should even

suggest such a thing. Mother, part of the feminist movement is the freedom to

your own thing. Now, if your own thing is getting a facelift, get one.

A facelift is not my own thing. Carol, facelifts are pure vanity.

Life is not a beauty contest.

Mother, there is no stigma anymore if you want to change the way you look to

make you feel better.

People wear wigs, get contact lenses, have their teeth capped.

Even men... nowadays are dying their hair and getting facelifts. Oh, come on,

Carol. Maybe two men in America have done that. And they're probably living

together.

You want a facelift? Now admit it. Carol, if I wanted a facelift, I would

one. Honey, I'm not... I'm not competing the way Vivian is.

I have a husband.

And believe me, dear, if Walter were to walk in and I were to ask him if he

thinks I should get a facelift, he would say, don't be ridiculous, Maude. I love

you just the way you are.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Maude.

Thank you. Thank you.

All right.

Walter, honey, what would you think about my getting a facelift?

Terrific!

And, Walter, I got a new kind of garbage bag. They say you can drop it from a

plane. It doesn't open.

How exciting, Walter.

Next time you take the garbage out, rent a helicopter.

Here are the eggs you want. Eggs. And the rye bread looks so good, I got three

loaves. Walter, why are you insisting that I get a facelift?

month, you refused to give me $300 to have the sofa redone, which is in

Now you are pleading with me to spend six times that amount to have my face

done. Well, Maud, you asked me, and I thought it might do you some good.

I mean psychological good. I thought it might make you feel better.

You hate my face, don't you, Walter? Admit it, you hate my face.

You live with a man for five years, suddenly he hates your face. Maud, I

your face, but if you're not happy... I am happy, Walter. I am... Perfectly

happy you're the one who has been pushing facelift all day.

Would you listen to me?

Put down the avocado.

I love you, and I love the way you look. Oh, I'll just bet you. What's this?

Pig's feet. Nobody in this house eats pig's feet. Somebody does now. We're

finally getting to the heart of it, aren't we, Walter? The heart of pig's

Oh, I'm talking about men, Walter.

You men have...

Easy! You do not age the way we do.

Walter, it is a well -known biological fact that at age 45, our hormones quit

us, and it is downhill all the way from there. But not men, Walter. Oh, no, not

men. Maude, what are you talking about? I'm talking about life, Walter, about

life. Look around you. Look at all the couples we know. Take Sid and Marion

Schaefer, for example. He is trim and stunning. On a good day, she looks like

his grandmother.

Well, he keeps in shape. Oh, sure he keeps in shape. Well, that poor wife of

is sitting home moisturizing herself to death.

I tell you, it's true of every couple we know. The woman is always older looking

than... Wait a minute. Come here, Walter. I want to look at your wrinkles.

You've seen my wrinkles. You see, I have wrinkles, but I'm not ashamed of them.

Well, of course you're not ashamed of them, Walter, because you're a man.

What do we say about a man when he gets older? We say he is mellow, venerable,

distinguished.

But, Walter, what do we call an aging, graying woman? We have one word for

Walter. One word. What? Dog.

Oh,

Walter. Walter, I am aging. I am graying. I am stretching.

I am sagging.

Oh, I feel like an old hen with a turkey neck and crow's feet.

I could be the centerfold for the Audubon Society.

Maud, you're exaggerating. I am not exaggerating. This cantaloupe will be

to eat next August, Walter.

Maud, this is ridiculous.

You're a terrific -looking woman just the way you are. Walter, don't you ever

feel a melon before you buy it?

That is not enough.

This is what I'm telling you, Walter. This is what life is like if you're a

woman. Walter, remember last week I went to look for a dress for the club

dinner? Remember I said I couldn't find anything I liked?

I lied, Walter. I lied.

I found the perfect dress. Perfect.

And then I went to look at myself in one of those three -way mirrors. Do you

know what I saw in that three -way mirror, Walter? What?

Three massive

hounds, Walter.

Each one wearing my perfect dress.

Will you listen to me?

There's an old saying. Truth is beauty, beauty truth. And you're a wonderful

-looking woman, and that's the truth.

Am I, Walter? Am I really?

Then how come, Walter, when I asked you if I should get a facelift, you didn't

say, what?

Tamper with perfection?

Touch those exquisite features?

Redo the Mona Lisa?

How come you didn't say that, Walter?

How come all you said was terrific?

And then you looked at me like you were measuring me for a flea collar.

Maude, I just wanted you to know that if you decide to get a facelift, you're

not doing it for me. Then who would I be doing it for, Walter? Me? Of course

you're doing it for you. Well, of course it is my face, Walter, but you're the

one who has to look at it, so what do you want?

I want you to please yourself.

Walter, you are dodging the issue. That is no answer.

I could swear it was. You are dodging the question.

Walter, you cannot make a decision. But, Maude, it's your decision.

You're right.

It is my decision. I accept that. Now, what do you advise?

I advise you to please yourself. You're dodging the question again,

Walter. Walter, why are you never here when I need you? But I am here. I'm here

to tell you that I love you. I've loved you without a lift. I love you with a

lift. You don't have to change anything for me. If you want to do it, do it.

Only do it for yourself.

Now, remember, it's your decision, not mine.

What'd you decide?

What could I decide?

Walter is dying for me to have a facelift.

You're kidding. He said that?

Well, he didn't actually say it. You know, when you live with a man as long

have you, you communicate in an unspoken language.

Mother, did Walter tell you he wanted you to get a facelift? His eyes did.

His eyes?

Yes, and then after his eyes said he wanted me to get a facelift, they said

something else.

What? They said he didn't want to know about it, that he wanted to be

which is why I am going to keep it a secret until after I have it done.

Oh, Walter, Walter, you fortunate fellow.

Here I've given you five of the best years of my life, and now I'm about to

them to you all over again.

in next week for Maude's facelift.

Well, well, well.

Mr. Finley.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.