All language subtitles for maude_s02e03_walter_s_holiday

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't
you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud. And then there's
Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And
then there's Maud. That'll compromise

and enterprise and anything but
tranquilize. Not on Maud.

table so long your fruit loops are being
attacked by ants.

Walter!

Be right down, Maud.

Man, if he's not down in 20 seconds, I'm
going to go up and poach an egg on his

bald spot.

What's a six -letter word for annoyance?
Six -letter word for annoyance. Try

Walter.

Nice try, but not quite.

I'll get it, Miss Finley.

My goodness, somebody's in a hurry.

Hey, sweet mama!

If there's one thing I'm proud of, it's
that I ain't your mama.

lady of the house that the sales
representative of the world -renowned

Jones Aluminum Siding Company is here.

Come on, brown sugar, I ain't got all
day.

Just a minute. What makes you think that
a black woman wearing an apron can't be

the lady of this house?

Well, I, uh... Oh, you think I ain't
fancy enough to be the lady of a house

fancy neighborhood like this? Is that
it? No, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

You sure got a gassy pad here, though.

Hey, what do you say I come in and sit
down and chat for a few minutes? Not if

you're stupid enough to think that a
black lady in a neighborhood like this

could be the lady of the house you can.

Good morning, Florida. What was that all
about?

Some dude playing what's my line.

Beautiful, my foot.

Well, thank you, Leroy Brown, the
baddest man in town.

You better watch out for your husband
this morning, Mrs. Finley. What are you

talking about, Florida?

Well, it ain't your average day when Mr.
Finley pinches me on one cheek and pats

me on the other.

A pinch and a pat, huh?

He's feeling Italian again.

The only way to cure that is to give him
a good swift kick in the pasta fazool.

Walter, would you mind stepping in here
for a minute, please?

Sweetheart, you can level with me.

Have you been hitting the cough syrup
again?

Not in your life, Lord.

And, sweetheart, I'm about to make the
announcement of the century.

Beep, beep, beep.

Attention. Who knows what day this is?

Wrong.

It is a beautiful day. It is a glorious
day. Ladies and gentlemen, today is I

Love You Day.

What a beautiful thought. It is lovely,
Mr. Findlay.

It's lovely, but what the hell is it?

I Love You Day is a national holiday
proclaimed by me.

Right now, Walter Findlays all over the
country are in their kitchens showing

their families how much they love them.

And you're very fortunate to have your
local Walter Findley right here.

Phillips!

No granola and bananas for you this
morning, young man. You go down the

and have yourself an egg McMuffin. Wow,
neato, Chief. Thanks, Grandpa.

Phillips! God bless you and keep you and
love you forever.

Walter. Forevermore!

Walter, please. You're beginning to
sound like a summer replacement for Oral

Roberts.

Throwing something in that window box
upstairs.

Quiet, Florida.

For you.

In the finest salon of Paris, at great
expense to myself, a handcrafted

Findlay original.

A Findlay original.

My, my.

I sure got my tail in high cotton.

Now say goodbye, Florida, because you're
taking the rest of the day off with

pay.

Thanks, Mr. Finley.

Now, all I gotta do is explain to Henry
how I earned $20 in 15 minutes on

something called I Love You Day.

Some of us have to get to work. Yeah,
please go, Carol. I don't want you here

when they throw Walter in the rubber
room.

Okay. For you.

This little bauble, I made it out of
macaroni myself at 6 .30 this morning.

Walter.

Don't forget the sauce.

Honey, where did you get this
wonderfully insane idea?

From you, Maude. From me?

Sure. You know what I was doing at 3 o
'clock this morning?

I woke up and spent two hours watching
you sleep.

Oh, Walt.

Well, it's not the first time.

Do you know what you do when you sleep,
Maude?

You twitch your nose.

And you know how hard it is to hit a
moving target?

Well, it took me two hours, but I
managed to kiss that nose three times.

Oh, Walter, I wondered why I woke up
with a wet nose.

And now for your present.

For me?

It's something you've always wanted. Oh,
something I've always... Walter, how

did you manage to get Lloyd Bridges into
this small...

Oh, come on, Walter. Don't take all day.
Oh, come on now, Walter. That shows how

little you know about women.

Number one, opening the gift is half the
fun of receiving it.

Number two, if I save the ribbon and the
paper, then I can use them to wrap your

gift at Christmas.

Number three, I could have opened it
five minutes ago if you hadn't used the

damn much scotch tape.

Oh, honey, it's gorgeous.

It's a joke.

It's something to wear while you're
being attacked.

There's the joke.

Honey, I think it's even lovelier than
the one you gave me at Christmas.

Oh, it is the one I gave you at
Christmas.

Lord, it's not that I forgot you or
anything like that. It's just that I

thought of I love you day in the middle
of the night.

So when it comes to you, Maude, believe
it or not, I'm the gift.

Oh, sweetheart. I think you are the
perfect gift for I Love You Day.

Probably the one gift that I'll never
exchange.

Come here.

Come here. Come on. What are you doing,
Walter?

It's time for phase two of I Love You
Day.

When we are dancing and you're dancing
near me, I get ideas.

Oh, if Richard Nixon had this kind of
phase two, phase three would have taken

care of itself.

Don't answer the door.

Honey, it's Vivian. We're not home,
Lord.

Oh, sweetheart, no.

Vivian's my best friend, and you know
what she's been going through with her

divorce. I know what we've been going
through with her divorce lately. You're

right. Oh, come on, Walter. We're so
happy. Come on, honey. And she's so

miserable. Look, just give me three
minutes, Walter. Three minutes, I

you. And I'll just say hello and send
her on her way. Okay, I'll have

but only three minutes.

Three minutes, I promise. Oh, and honey,
please be careful. I can't stand

kissing a man with a mustache full of
breadcrumbs.

Hi, Mom.

Okay, let's skip the preliminaries.
There's something wrong, isn't there?

Wrong?

Walter came downstairs and said that
today is I love you day.

I thought Walter loves you every day.

He does.

Sometimes all day if those stories you
tell me are true.

They're true, but I don't want to burden
you with my problems either.

Oh, I understand.

I'm just a friend and you two want to be
alone, right? So you two have fun on he

loves you day.

You're sure, huh? Come on, please.

Have fun.

Darling, darling.

I don't want to be any trouble. You are
no trouble at all.

Now, look, honey, you just sit down and
have yourself a good cry, and I'll be

right back.

Walter.

Oh, more. Three minutes to the second.
She's not gone yet. Oh, more. No, but

she's... Practically out the door. What
do you mean, practically?

Well, 15, 16 feet from the door.

She's leaning in that direction. Please,
Walter, just give me a few more

seconds. Another crisis. Okay.

I'll set the timer for two minutes more.

Remember, Ward, you're not going to get
rid of her by Mother Henning her. Don't

worry, honey. I'm going to start Mother
Goosing.

Here, Dad, here's some coffee.

But, honey, it's a little bit weak this
morning, so try not to cry in it.

Oh, thank you.

Now then, Viv, I know something is
wrong.

What has Chuck done this time?

Well, Maude, you know how fair I've
been.

I kept the Mercedes and let Chuck have
the Volkswagen because he loves the tape

deck so.

I know you've made all the sacrifices.
You know it. I gave him the movie

projector, him the chess set, him the
blaster. All you kept was the box that

used to keep it all in.

the house.

Tell me, sweetheart, what has Chuck done
now?

Well, you know my dog soon, Rufus. As
well as I know that stain on my rug.

All of a sudden, after we agreed I'd get
custody, Chuck wants him

almost. You know, we never had any
children, and that little dog's been

baby to me.

Now,

I happen to buy the dog as a birthday
present for Chuck. He says Rufus belongs

to him.

Oh, Maude.

Maude. We've known each other for 20
years, right? 20 beautiful years. And

you're my best and dearest friend in the
world. Best and dearest friend. Then

tell me the truth.

It's Chuck's...

would stop.

Walter, don't argue with me. This is I
Love You Day.

They louse it up.

Oh, calm down, Walter. Why don't you try
standing on your head?

I'd be mad to stand on my head.

Come on, it's good for your health
circulation.

Improves muscle tone.

Keeps your socks from falling down.

you tried to do for Marty today, giving
her her own special I love you day.

Actually, I'm really very touched.

It's kind of embarrassing, but if you
look close, you can see there's water in

my eyes.

That's sweat.

More thief.

She's the only one that's sentimental.

They don't realize that we men are
sentimental, too.

Let me tell you, Arthur.

Because I thought I just heard it say,
God will get you for that, Walter.

have fun doing with a woman.

I mean, you can count them on the finger
of one hand.

Easy, Walter, easy.

Take my advice. Let bygones be bygones.
Go home.

I told you I'm not going home, Arthur.

Nobody's marriage is perfect, Walter.

It's probably a good thing, too.

After all, we got a population explosion
in the world, you know.

Can you imagine what would happen if all
the husbands and wives all over the

world were suddenly getting along 24
hours a day?

Obstetrician, Arthur.

I was only speaking philosophically, you
know.

In my entire life, I've only known of
one perfect marriage.

And it only lasted 20 seconds.

They were run over leaving the church.

I'm going to check at the desk and see
if they've got a room for me. I'm going

to stay here tonight.

I had my secretary call, get me tickets
to a play. You know, Ward...

Go to the theater?

Oh, here, Arthur. You take him.

That's very nice of you, Walter.

Although it will mean missing Marcus
Welby.

They're having a show tonight on
malpractice.

I want to see how he gets out of it.

I heard you say the same thing.

But I wasn't waving around a bottle of
pills when I said it. Pills?

What kind of pills? I don't know.

Round red pills.

Red? Well, they could be male hormones.

But all that would give her hair on her
chest.

Come on, Arthur. What could they be?

Well, they could be second halls.

As a matter of fact, that's what they're
called, reds.

Oh, this whole thing is ridiculous.

Maud with a bottle of pills?

She's not the type to kill herself.

kill herself. You know, actually,
there's only one type of person that

himself, and that's the type of person
who, when he kills himself, everyone

says, I never thought he was the type of
person to kill himself.

Walter, wait. Relax, sir. Well, they may
need me. Well, I just happen to

remember those pills were aspirin.

Red aspirin?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it, the old
pill -popping ploy.

Arthur Harmon, you little old detective,
you.

Well, I don't use this head just to hang
your stethoscope on, you know.

Oh, Vivian.

Yes, Arthur?

I've got two tickets here for the
theater this evening.

You wouldn't by any chance know anybody
who'd like to go, would you?

Oh, well, now, by some strange
coincidence, I just might know a certain

who'd be thrilled to go. Oh, good.

I hope the two of you have a wonderful
time.

You mean there weren't any pills?

Well, I took two aspirins. What a lousy
thing to do.

Walter, what do you advise for a
headache? A frontal lobotomy?

I'm talking about you sending Viv to the
club with that story about you and a

lifetime supply of sleeping pills.

I did what?

Come on now, Walter. You know I'd never
come up with such a sleazy story.

I love your outfit.

Here, I think we'll send you to camp.

Eight minutes, Maud. You put Viv up to
it, and that's a dirty trick.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Walter, but
I have no intention of dying tonight.

You wouldn't even make one phone call to
get me to come home. You couldn't even

care if I ever came home. That is not
true.

Good morning, Walter.

You were so sweet and adorable and
precious and delicious.

It's too late, Maude.

You ruined my day. You just ruined it.

I woke up full of love and stuff, and
you tossed it in the gutter like an old

bubblegum wrapper.

Honey, I said I was sorry. But, Walter,
you're behaving like a little boy.

So what if I'm behaving like a little
boy? My feelings are hurt.

Walter, I said I was sorry.

What can I do? What do you want?

I want to punish you.

You want to punish me?

How do you want to punish me? You want
to kick me, scratch me, pull my hair?

Well, Walter? I'm faking, I'm faking.

Now you're pouting like a little boy.

Look, why don't you just get it over
with and break out and act me?

Walter, I was hurt.

Walter, I have a better idea. Let's put
double bunks in Philip's room.

And if you play your cards right, maybe
he'll let you buy into his fraud.

You can't have that stuff, and I mean
right now.

I'm not ashamed of the little boy in me.

Look, Walter, I said I was sorry. Now a
man would accept that.

Oh, so now I'm not a man. Is that what
you're saying?

If the Buster Browns fit, whatever.

How do you expect to prove your
masculinity?

And don't say that way, Walter.

What? What?

How? What?

Oh, I got it.

Come here.

Come over here.

Put your elbow on the bar.

this morning. I just loused up your I
love you day.

Oh, you didn't louse it up.

Actually, I love you day starts after
sundown on the day you announce it.

It does?

Why not?

It's my holiday. It's my rules.

Come on. Oh, honey.

Promise me one thing.

Promise me you will never grow up.

I promise.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.