Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise

and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Not on Maud.

table so long your fruit loops are being attacked by ants.

Walter!

Be right down, Maud.

Man, if he's not down in 20 seconds, I'm going to go up and poach an egg on his

bald spot.

What's a six -letter word for annoyance? Six -letter word for annoyance. Try

Walter.

Nice try, but not quite.

I'll get it, Miss Finley.

My goodness, somebody's in a hurry.

Hey, sweet mama!

If there's one thing I'm proud of, it's that I ain't your mama.

lady of the house that the sales representative of the world -renowned

Jones Aluminum Siding Company is here.

Come on, brown sugar, I ain't got all day.

Just a minute. What makes you think that a black woman wearing an apron can't be

the lady of this house?

Well, I, uh... Oh, you think I ain't fancy enough to be the lady of a house

fancy neighborhood like this? Is that it? No, I'm sorry. I'm very sorry.

You sure got a gassy pad here, though.

Hey, what do you say I come in and sit down and chat for a few minutes? Not if

you're stupid enough to think that a black lady in a neighborhood like this

could be the lady of the house you can.

Good morning, Florida. What was that all about?

Some dude playing what's my line.

Beautiful, my foot.

Well, thank you, Leroy Brown, the baddest man in town.

You better watch out for your husband this morning, Mrs. Finley. What are you

talking about, Florida?

Well, it ain't your average day when Mr. Finley pinches me on one cheek and pats

me on the other.

A pinch and a pat, huh?

He's feeling Italian again.

The only way to cure that is to give him a good swift kick in the pasta fazool.

Walter, would you mind stepping in here for a minute, please?

Sweetheart, you can level with me.

Have you been hitting the cough syrup again?

Not in your life, Lord.

And, sweetheart, I'm about to make the announcement of the century.

Beep, beep, beep.

Attention. Who knows what day this is?

Wrong.

It is a beautiful day. It is a glorious day. Ladies and gentlemen, today is I

Love You Day.

What a beautiful thought. It is lovely, Mr. Findlay.

It's lovely, but what the hell is it?

I Love You Day is a national holiday proclaimed by me.

Right now, Walter Findlays all over the country are in their kitchens showing

their families how much they love them.

And you're very fortunate to have your local Walter Findley right here.

Phillips!

No granola and bananas for you this morning, young man. You go down the

and have yourself an egg McMuffin. Wow, neato, Chief. Thanks, Grandpa.

Phillips! God bless you and keep you and love you forever.

Walter. Forevermore!

Walter, please. You're beginning to sound like a summer replacement for Oral

Roberts.

Throwing something in that window box upstairs.

Quiet, Florida.

For you.

In the finest salon of Paris, at great expense to myself, a handcrafted

Findlay original.

A Findlay original.

My, my.

I sure got my tail in high cotton.

Now say goodbye, Florida, because you're taking the rest of the day off with

pay.

Thanks, Mr. Finley.

Now, all I gotta do is explain to Henry how I earned $20 in 15 minutes on

something called I Love You Day.

Some of us have to get to work. Yeah, please go, Carol. I don't want you here

when they throw Walter in the rubber room.

Okay. For you.

This little bauble, I made it out of macaroni myself at 6 .30 this morning.

Walter.

Don't forget the sauce.

Honey, where did you get this wonderfully insane idea?

From you, Maude. From me?

Sure. You know what I was doing at 3 o 'clock this morning?

I woke up and spent two hours watching you sleep.

Oh, Walt.

Well, it's not the first time.

Do you know what you do when you sleep, Maude?

You twitch your nose.

And you know how hard it is to hit a moving target?

Well, it took me two hours, but I managed to kiss that nose three times.

Oh, Walter, I wondered why I woke up with a wet nose.

And now for your present.

For me?

It's something you've always wanted. Oh, something I've always... Walter, how

did you manage to get Lloyd Bridges into this small...

Oh, come on, Walter. Don't take all day. Oh, come on now, Walter. That shows how

little you know about women.

Number one, opening the gift is half the fun of receiving it.

Number two, if I save the ribbon and the paper, then I can use them to wrap your

gift at Christmas.

Number three, I could have opened it five minutes ago if you hadn't used the

damn much scotch tape.

Oh, honey, it's gorgeous.

It's a joke.

It's something to wear while you're being attacked.

There's the joke.

Honey, I think it's even lovelier than the one you gave me at Christmas.

Oh, it is the one I gave you at Christmas.

Lord, it's not that I forgot you or anything like that. It's just that I

thought of I love you day in the middle of the night.

So when it comes to you, Maude, believe it or not, I'm the gift.

Oh, sweetheart. I think you are the perfect gift for I Love You Day.

Probably the one gift that I'll never exchange.

Come here.

Come here. Come on. What are you doing, Walter?

It's time for phase two of I Love You Day.

When we are dancing and you're dancing near me, I get ideas.

Oh, if Richard Nixon had this kind of phase two, phase three would have taken

care of itself.

Don't answer the door.

Honey, it's Vivian. We're not home, Lord.

Oh, sweetheart, no.

Vivian's my best friend, and you know what she's been going through with her

divorce. I know what we've been going through with her divorce lately. You're

right. Oh, come on, Walter. We're so happy. Come on, honey. And she's so

miserable. Look, just give me three minutes, Walter. Three minutes, I

you. And I'll just say hello and send her on her way. Okay, I'll have

but only three minutes.

Three minutes, I promise. Oh, and honey, please be careful. I can't stand

kissing a man with a mustache full of breadcrumbs.

Hi, Mom.

Okay, let's skip the preliminaries. There's something wrong, isn't there?

Wrong?

Walter came downstairs and said that today is I love you day.

I thought Walter loves you every day.

He does.

Sometimes all day if those stories you tell me are true.

They're true, but I don't want to burden you with my problems either.

Oh, I understand.

I'm just a friend and you two want to be alone, right? So you two have fun on he

loves you day.

You're sure, huh? Come on, please.

Have fun.

Darling, darling.

I don't want to be any trouble. You are no trouble at all.

Now, look, honey, you just sit down and have yourself a good cry, and I'll be

right back.

Walter.

Oh, more. Three minutes to the second. She's not gone yet. Oh, more. No, but

she's... Practically out the door. What do you mean, practically?

Well, 15, 16 feet from the door.

She's leaning in that direction. Please, Walter, just give me a few more

seconds. Another crisis. Okay.

I'll set the timer for two minutes more.

Remember, Ward, you're not going to get rid of her by Mother Henning her. Don't

worry, honey. I'm going to start Mother Goosing.

Here, Dad, here's some coffee.

But, honey, it's a little bit weak this morning, so try not to cry in it.

Oh, thank you.

Now then, Viv, I know something is wrong.

What has Chuck done this time?

Well, Maude, you know how fair I've been.

I kept the Mercedes and let Chuck have the Volkswagen because he loves the tape

deck so.

I know you've made all the sacrifices. You know it. I gave him the movie

projector, him the chess set, him the blaster. All you kept was the box that

used to keep it all in.

the house.

Tell me, sweetheart, what has Chuck done now?

Well, you know my dog soon, Rufus. As well as I know that stain on my rug.

All of a sudden, after we agreed I'd get custody, Chuck wants him

almost. You know, we never had any children, and that little dog's been

baby to me.

Now,

I happen to buy the dog as a birthday present for Chuck. He says Rufus belongs

to him.

Oh, Maude.

Maude. We've known each other for 20 years, right? 20 beautiful years. And

you're my best and dearest friend in the world. Best and dearest friend. Then

tell me the truth.

It's Chuck's...

would stop.

Walter, don't argue with me. This is I Love You Day.

They louse it up.

Oh, calm down, Walter. Why don't you try standing on your head?

I'd be mad to stand on my head.

Come on, it's good for your health circulation.

Improves muscle tone.

Keeps your socks from falling down.

you tried to do for Marty today, giving her her own special I love you day.

Actually, I'm really very touched.

It's kind of embarrassing, but if you look close, you can see there's water in

my eyes.

That's sweat.

More thief.

She's the only one that's sentimental.

They don't realize that we men are sentimental, too.

Let me tell you, Arthur.

Because I thought I just heard it say, God will get you for that, Walter.

have fun doing with a woman.

I mean, you can count them on the finger of one hand.

Easy, Walter, easy.

Take my advice. Let bygones be bygones. Go home.

I told you I'm not going home, Arthur.

Nobody's marriage is perfect, Walter.

It's probably a good thing, too.

After all, we got a population explosion in the world, you know.

Can you imagine what would happen if all the husbands and wives all over the

world were suddenly getting along 24 hours a day?

Obstetrician, Arthur.

I was only speaking philosophically, you know.

In my entire life, I've only known of one perfect marriage.

And it only lasted 20 seconds.

They were run over leaving the church.

I'm going to check at the desk and see if they've got a room for me. I'm going

to stay here tonight.

I had my secretary call, get me tickets to a play. You know, Ward...

Go to the theater?

Oh, here, Arthur. You take him.

That's very nice of you, Walter.

Although it will mean missing Marcus Welby.

They're having a show tonight on malpractice.

I want to see how he gets out of it.

I heard you say the same thing.

But I wasn't waving around a bottle of pills when I said it. Pills?

What kind of pills? I don't know.

Round red pills.

Red? Well, they could be male hormones.

But all that would give her hair on her chest.

Come on, Arthur. What could they be?

Well, they could be second halls.

As a matter of fact, that's what they're called, reds.

Oh, this whole thing is ridiculous.

Maud with a bottle of pills?

She's not the type to kill herself.

kill herself. You know, actually, there's only one type of person that

himself, and that's the type of person who, when he kills himself, everyone

says, I never thought he was the type of person to kill himself.

Walter, wait. Relax, sir. Well, they may need me. Well, I just happen to

remember those pills were aspirin.

Red aspirin?

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I get it, the old pill -popping ploy.

Arthur Harmon, you little old detective, you.

Well, I don't use this head just to hang your stethoscope on, you know.

Oh, Vivian.

Yes, Arthur?

I've got two tickets here for the theater this evening.

You wouldn't by any chance know anybody who'd like to go, would you?

Oh, well, now, by some strange coincidence, I just might know a certain

who'd be thrilled to go. Oh, good.

I hope the two of you have a wonderful time.

You mean there weren't any pills?

Well, I took two aspirins. What a lousy thing to do.

Walter, what do you advise for a headache? A frontal lobotomy?

I'm talking about you sending Viv to the club with that story about you and a

lifetime supply of sleeping pills.

I did what?

Come on now, Walter. You know I'd never come up with such a sleazy story.

I love your outfit.

Here, I think we'll send you to camp.

Eight minutes, Maud. You put Viv up to it, and that's a dirty trick.

I'm sorry to disappoint you, Walter, but I have no intention of dying tonight.

You wouldn't even make one phone call to get me to come home. You couldn't even

care if I ever came home. That is not true.

Good morning, Walter.

You were so sweet and adorable and precious and delicious.

It's too late, Maude.

You ruined my day. You just ruined it.

I woke up full of love and stuff, and you tossed it in the gutter like an old

bubblegum wrapper.

Honey, I said I was sorry. But, Walter, you're behaving like a little boy.

So what if I'm behaving like a little boy? My feelings are hurt.

Walter, I said I was sorry.

What can I do? What do you want?

I want to punish you.

You want to punish me?

How do you want to punish me? You want to kick me, scratch me, pull my hair?

Well, Walter? I'm faking, I'm faking.

Now you're pouting like a little boy.

Look, why don't you just get it over with and break out and act me?

Walter, I was hurt.

Walter, I have a better idea. Let's put double bunks in Philip's room.

And if you play your cards right, maybe he'll let you buy into his fraud.

You can't have that stuff, and I mean right now.

I'm not ashamed of the little boy in me.

Look, Walter, I said I was sorry. Now a man would accept that.

Oh, so now I'm not a man. Is that what you're saying?

If the Buster Browns fit, whatever.

How do you expect to prove your masculinity?

And don't say that way, Walter.

What? What?

How? What?

Oh, I got it.

Come here.

Come over here.

Put your elbow on the bar.

this morning. I just loused up your I love you day.

Oh, you didn't louse it up.

Actually, I love you day starts after sundown on the day you announce it.

It does?

Why not?

It's my holiday. It's my rules.

Come on. Oh, honey.

Promise me one thing.

Promise me you will never grow up.

I promise.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.