Original subtitles

I'm going to bet you $100 that I can stay off the sauce longer than you can.

Good. Let's drink to it.

Last week, you saw part one of Walter's Problem.

Please stay tuned for the conclusion of

Walter's Problem.

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Bro.

Morning, Mother.

Oh, good morning, honey.

Tell me, did Phillip have a good time at Andy's last night? He had a ball.

Right. He's been out all morning riding his new bicycle.

Wonderful. What's new in the world?

Oh, Carol, nothing but violence, violence, and more violence.

What happened to your eye?

Oh, I walked into a chocolate donut.

How can you joke about a black eye? Did you put a piece of beefsteak on it? At

550 a pound, Carol, I'd rather take up Christian science.

Honey, you're not going to believe this, but Walter got drunk last night and hit

me. Isn't that marvelous?

Marvelous? Honey, it's better than marvelous. I think it's the best thing

ever happened to our marriage.

Mother, what are you talking about? Honey, when Walter hit me last night, it

hurt him a lot more than it hurt... Let me put it this way. It brought him to

his senses.

He realizes that he does have a drinking problem, and he is quitting.

Quit before, Mother.

If you ask me, I think you're being very naive. Come on, Carol, I haven't been

naive for many, many years.

Let's see, I was 21 when I lost my naivete.

21?

Well, give or take a few years.

Well, all I can say is it's a good thing Philip stayed overnight at Andy's last

night. This is hardly the ideal atmosphere for a nine -year -old child,

especially on his birthday.

Good morning.

Good morning,

Mrs. Finley.

Wow.

What rat gave you that mouse?

Look, Florida, don't you start.

Mrs. Finley, if black is beautiful, that's exquisite.

You walked into a door, right?

Right. And the door had a little bald spot and a mustache.

Trouble in paradise.

I better get Phillip off to school.

No, Florida, it's not what it sounds like. Actually, it was just a love task.

last night. If I could, I would dig a hole deep enough to jump into and then

pull the hole in with me. Good.

There's a shovel in the basement if you wait a minute.

You didn't tell Philip, did you?

Hi, Grandpa.

Wow, what a neat bike you gave me. I'm glad you like it.

I'll get you a jacket, honey.

Happy birthday, Philip.

Thanks.

I love you, Philip.

A whole lot.

A whole lot? How much is a whole lot?

There's a whole lot.

Let's see how much. I love you about 316 roller skates.

I love you about 4 ,126 Twinkies.

About a billion fire hydrants. And over 8 ,000 foreign dignitaries with

carnations in their buttonholes.

We're going to celebrate the rest of your birthday tonight.

Goodbye, Philip. So long, Graham.

And over two million fig newtons. That's all, Graham.

Morning. Good morning, sweetheart.

Well, well.

How's the great white oak?

Florida.

Don't blame me. You said I was family.

Sweetheart, listen.

I thought that tonight we'd all... What are you staring at?

Oh, that's terrible.

Good Lord. Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous.

It's nothing.

Sweetheart, you were drunk.

I'm a beast.

How can I ever do a thing like that? Come on. Now, honey, I thought we

we weren't going to ever mention it again. The subject is closed.

Well, I have to talk about it. I mean, I look at you and all I can see is that

I've turned my own wife into an ugly, deformed mess. Oh, come on.

the hunchback of Notre Dame.

Now, look, I don't want to hear another word about it, and that is final.

A beast. I must have turned into a beast. What kind of a monster have I

I hate...

Yeah, if the Our Gang comedies ever come back, you can play the dog.

And if Mr. Ed, the talking horse, ever comes back, there's a part for you.

And I don't mean the part that talks.

I was jumping rope without a bra.

Arthur!

Come on, Arthur. I gave it to her.

Oh, come on.

No, really, what happened? Last night, Arthur, I was drunk and I didn't know

what I was doing.

Fuck a woman, that is a hateful thing to do. She's absolutely right, Walter. You

shut up, Arthur. Nobody talks to my husband like that. But, Marty!

How dare you talk about Walter? There's not a finer man in the world.

I will not stand here and listen to a low -down, sanctimonious... Hello?

Oh, just a moment, please. Sweetheart, it's for you. The store.

I'll take it in the living room.

I will not have you picking on Walter like that.

The truth be known, I'm glad he hit me last night, because he's promised to

drinking.

Well, lots of luck.

He tried to quit yesterday, and he couldn't make it through lunch.

Any man who spikes a Shirley Temple needs help.

I'm his wife, and I intend to help him. That's what wives are for. No, I'm

talking about professional help.

Listen, Marty, there's this man I know, George Shelton. Now, he's worked with

hundreds of alcoholics. He's a very nice guy.

I never want you to use that word in this house again. Walter may have a

drinking problem, but he functions, he runs a business, he makes a marvelous

living, he is a wonderful husband, and he's got a right cross you wouldn't

believe.

Let me tell you, Marty, he's got all the symptoms.

He sneaks drinks, he can't stop, he has lapses of memory. Since when are you

such an authority, Arthur? Do you treat alcoholics? Me? Never.

They don't pay their bills and they pop their biscuits all over your carpet.

Charlie Johnson just quit.

The best floor man I ever had.

Why? Because Helen, our file clerk, accused him of getting her pregnant at

last office party.

Well, you always said he was a good floor man.

And now Helen's leaving and I'm right in the middle of the biggest sale of the

year. That's the thanks I get for giving them an office party.

Animals!

I'm trying to make a living and they're making babies. What are you doing?

Nothing. Walter, you call this nothing?

Yeah, and I'm having another nothing.

Sweetheart, remember what you said last night?

I know what I said last night. I also had a floor man last night.

Walter, you promised to quit.

And I will.

I mean, I admit I have a little drinking problem, but I'm going to handle it my

own way.

I'm tapering off.

Listen, Walter, sweetheart, please don't get angry, honey, but the way you've

been drinking, maybe you need professional help.

That's a good idea, Maude.

I'll get some professional help.

All the way to the store, I'll stop off and see a bartender.

Yeah, this is Mrs. Finley again. Has my husband arrived at the store yet?

Listen, please, the minute he gets there, have him call me at home. Yeah,

number is 555 -9191.

I know that's his number, but he may not know it.

Hello,

Walter? Oh, hello, Mother.

Yeah, listen, honey, do you mind if I call you back?

Yeah, I'm a little busy now.

Well, there's a slight problem with Walter, and I'm trying to finish

all of Philip's birthday gifts. Yeah, yeah. Listen, sweetheart, I promise I'll

call you right back.

Yes, Mother, I'll call you back.

Yes, Mother, I'll call you back.

Yes, Mother, I'll call you back.

This is a recording.

go to church every day and twice on Sunday.

Mrs. Finley?

I'm sorry, but I'm terribly busy.

I talk to you direct and you send me a door -to -door salesman.

My husband prays at the office.

George Shelton. Dr. Harmon sent me.

Oh.

Oh, please. Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

I wasn't expecting a clergyman. Well, I'm not here as a clergyman. I'm here as

recovered alcoholic.

Oh. Well, then you should feel right at home on my sofa. That's recovered, too.

I'm terribly upset.

Listen, Reverend.

Can you help my husband? Dr.

Harmon. Why are you staring at me?

Excuse me, Mrs. Finley, but that is a pip.

Has anybody looked at it yet? Yes, our mutual friend, Dr. Harmon.

Oh, Harmon's a good man. What did he say?

The same thing you did. That is a pip.

Well, you have a second opinion.

Reverend, I really need your help.

Well, that's what I'm here for.

Would you put your thumb right here?

Now, getting back to my husband, Reverend, if he even knew I was talking

he'd be furious.

So please, get to the point in a hurry and tell me how I can save Walter.

Well, in the first place, Mrs. Finley, alcoholism can't be cured overnight.

It's a point of interest.

How much alcohol does your husband consume, say, within a week? Oh, God.

Sorry.

Oh, it's all right, Mrs. Finley. If you feel you have to talk to him, we're

better than in my presence.

Well, then it's a good thing you're here, because I do say that an awful

Especially since Watergate.

Hey!

Do you mind if I use it for my next sermon? Of course not.

Honey, it's yours.

Now, getting back to your question, in answer to it, Walter has been drinking

more than ever lately. I mean, he says it's on account of business.

Excuses. They always have excuses.

Damn these collars.

Excuse me, Mrs. Finley. Oh, I don't mind. I mean, if you feel you have to

that way, we're better than in my presence.

Mrs. Finley.

Before I help your husband, before anybody can help your husband, he has to

realize that he's sick. Walter is not sick.

Alcoholism is an illness.

A prolonged illness like diabetes.

Walter is not sick and he's not an alcoholic. He has a drinking problem.

Mrs. Finley, the problem drinker is an alcoholic who earns over $24 ,000 a

Look, I know all about alcoholism. I've been through it, Mrs. Finley. Look.

A tattoo of a naked lady.

Anyone I know?

Well, she ain't the flying nun.

I got this little lady in Baltimore.

I was on a two -week binge.

I haven't any idea who she is, how she got there, or what I was doing in

Baltimore.

Is it a wonder they used to call me the Plastid Pastor?

Okay, Reverend.

How can I help Walter before he walks in with a naked lady on his arm?

Or God knows where else. Well,

he has to recognize the fact that he has one problem and one problem alone.

Alcohol.

He has to stop drinking altogether.

Walter, I thought you'd be at the store.

I figured why I go to the store would only aggravate me, so instead... You

stopped off at the club and had a drink. Wrong. I stopped off at the club and

had two drinks.

Hi.

Walter, this is Reverend Sheldon, Reverend my husband.

Hiya, Reverend.

I hope your business is better than mine.

What business are you in?

Appliances. Mostly washing machines.

You two should be next to each other. He's in cleanliness and you're in

godliness.

them next Sunday.

Where's your hospitality, Mort? How about a drink, Rev? No, thanks, Mr.

I certainly could use one.

Uh, Mr. Finley, uh, why don't you skip this drink?

Okay, Mort!

Where'd you hide it?

I didn't hide it, Walter.

I gave it away.

You what?

You gave it away? All my good booze?

Even that fancy bottle I brought home last week? What fancy bottle?

That gift -wrapped bottle of scotch I was saving for someone special.

Who? Me!

I bet you put it in the closet.

Mr. Felley, why don't we sit down and have a little talk? Out of my way, ref.

Walter, please. Look, I feel like having a drink, and I'm going to have one,

whether you like it or not.

Walter.

Walter,

please.

Finley, it's no use. Get him out of there. No.

Oh, why couldn't I have fallen in love with a buttermilk freak?

Carol. Hang on.

Carol, this is Reverend Shelton.

Walter locked himself in the closet because he doesn't want to be baptized.

He's trying to scare the mobs out of his overcoat.

See, they're very sensitive to noise.

You want to go upstairs and wash up? Yes. Oh, boy, very much. I'm sure the

No, upstairs.

Mark, Mark, this isn't funny. No, I know, Walter, and neither is your

Neither is your drinking. Mother, this is crazy.

Look, I know it, Carol, but I made sure that Walter would never, ever get

another drink.

At least not in this house.

By the way, honey, do you remember what happened to that gift -wrapped bottle of

scotch that Walter brought home last week?

Yeah, you put it on the top shelf of the closet.

kill yourself, you'll go it alone.

I gave up drinking.

Gave up drinking?

What are you, some kind of religious nut?

Better than that.

I'm a reformed drunk or a recovered alcoholic. Take your choice.

A recovered al... Thanks for your vote of confidence, Maude.

I said I'd quit drinking, and I will. I'm tapering off! There's no such thing

tapering off.

Look, I don't need any advice from any holy roll or especially an ex

Mr. Finley, there's no such thing as an ex -alcoholic, which is why I don't dare

drink. Well, I do drink.

Listen, if I were a drunk, I'd beg for your help, but I'm not, so thanks very

much for coming by. I gotta get some ice.

I'm sorry. Oh, no. Don't. Please, if you leave, so help me, I'm going to blow

the whistle on religion.

Walter Finley, will you take a good look at yourself? Don't start up, Maude. I'm

sick and tired of your nagging. Happy days.

Please, Walter, don't take that drink.

Why not? Because I love you.

Now, don't say that. Not now.

But I do love you. Will you stop saying that? I don't want to hear that.

Your loving me has nothing to do with this. Look, Walter, something...

What are you trying to tell me, Maud? You're going to leave me?

No, I'm not going to leave you, Walter. I am going to stay.

Because much as you hate to hear it, I do love you. But, Walter, sweetheart, if

you continue drinking this way, we will no longer be husband and wife. We'll be

patient and nursemaid.

Beautiful. Beautiful, Maud. You should have a symphony orchestra as background

music. Now, what's the music, Walter?

Drink to me only with thine eyes?

Or Beethoven's Fifth?

as you turn.

It's hardly the place for a child.

I'll pick up the rest of the things tomorrow.

Come on, Phillip.

Oh, Grandpa.

I forgot to tell you this morning. I love you a whole lot, too.

There's only one thing left to do.

Go ahead, blacken the other eye.

Come on.

Let's talk, Reverend.

You know, Mother, since he gave up drinking, he's the old Walter again.

No, Carol, he's the young Walter again. He's like a newlywed.

I know when you give up drinking, they say you should have a substitute, but

couldn't he have taken up chewing gum?

Hey, how is it going?

Carol, you've got another Joe Namath here.

I've got a Joe Namath here, too.

Come on, Tiger, not now.

I love you, Walter. Later, later, Walter.

Come on, Walt, I'm right here.

I'm not going to let you out until you promise to be a good boy.

Okay, I promise, Walt.

You promise?

I promise, I promise.

What's that over there?

Get in here.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.