Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizer. Not on Maud.

Now, Walter... Okay,

I'll go first.

But listen, I don't want you pounding on the door telling me that I take forever

in the bathroom.

Which is exactly half as long as you take.

Okay, Walter, last chance.

You...

really must have tied one on last night.

Boy, when I came up to bed at 10 .30, you guys were feeling no pain even then.

And I knew the party was getting out of hand when you started playing Frisbee

with the frozen pizza.

What time did you finally get up to bed, Walter?

Walter?

Walter?

Hi, Maud.

out and slept on the sofa.

I wish to God I had.

When I touched my head, my feet hurt.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

What the hell is that?

Arthur!

Tell him I'm...

the nation.

So do I.

All right, Marty, exactly what happened here last night?

Nothing.

Arthur, if you and I were the last two people on earth, you and I would be the

last two people on earth.

And as for the rest of it, you're the one who wound up in my bed.

So start talking, Buster. What?

How dare you insinuate that a man of my caliber would covet his best friend's

wife?

Nothing personal, Marty, but I wouldn't touch you with a ten -foot pole.

Nothing personal, Arthur, but that's the only way you could touch me.

Well, you two cut it out. I still don't know how you wound up in bed with my

wife. It's all your fault, you know.

You got me so loaded, I must have thought I was in my own house. And I

upstairs and brushed my teeth and flopped into bed.

You used my toothbrush!

over that ten -foot pole, I'll rub you to death with it.

You know something, Arthur, when you stop to think about it, I mean, you and

more, that's really kind of funny.

You know, when you stop to think about it, it's a riot.

It's a riot?

With you two middle -aged schoolboys bombed out of your skull, a girl isn't

in her own bed. I could have been violated.

By who?

God will get you.

If this place was in my neighborhood, they'd condemn it.

And then they'd double the rent.

Florida, I would love to help you clean up, but I really have to fix Philip's

birthday cake.

Holy mackerel!

Wow, we must have had a better time than I realized. It certainly has that lived

-in look.

Well, look who's here.

Hague and Hague.

The Democratic headquarters didn't look this bad after the Watergate break -in.

Well, they were sober.

You know something, Walter? It wouldn't hurt you to stay sober one night either.

Give the liquor industry a chance to retool.

Okay, Walter.

Which of you two juvenile delinquents put these holes in my mother's face?

Don't blame Walter, Maude. I made the holes.

All he did was suggest we use your mother's picture for a dartboard.

Darts? When did we play darts?

Right after you made that obscene phone call.

I made an obscene phone call?

I suppose I should be thankful my mother has an unlisted number.

Well, he remembered it.

When he's sober, he can't even remember to put the seat down.

Hello?

Hello, Mother?

Yeah, I know. I know, I know.

He said what?

Now, I know it's not funny.

Oh, come on. Mother, you call that obscene?

Now, you must have been drinking.

I'll talk to you later. Bye.

Oh, Mudd, I can't believe it. I mean, me make an obscene phone call? That's

hostile. I'm not hostile.

Only when you drink, Walter.

Hey, Mudd, you went upstairs too early. You missed our song and dance last

night. That's right. Walter, let's do it for her. Let's do it. It is terrific.

Come on, Mudd.

Oh, come on, sit down. He's got two left feet. We got this one right this time.

You're going to love it. Love it.

Dum -dum -dee -dum -dum -dum. To the right. By the light. Not the dark, but

light.

I was born in old Kentucky. That is why they call me... I was born

in Tel Aviv. That is why they call me

Steve.

Boy,

music to lose your breakfast by.

Okay, okay.

Hey, anybody care to join me in a Bloody Mary?

Oh, no.

Okay, if you want to be party poopers, I'll just have one by myself.

Well, pick me up to get the old heart started.

I was born in Talon, Mizzou, and that is why they call me Fred.

But I have to tell you, strange as it may seem, that was one of the best

sleep I've had in years.

Thank you, Arthur. It's very comforting to know that I could replace your teddy

bear.

I don't believe it. After last night, Walter's in there getting iced for a

bloody marriage.

But what do you expect him to do for a hangover?

Sip a glass of Bosco and watch Captain Kangaroo?

No, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. After all, your generation is the

cocktail generation.

Well, it's a lot better than smoking those funny cigarettes.

You can joke all you want to, Arthur, but alcohol is the number one drug

in the country today.

There are 12 million alcoholics in America, right?

She's right there, Marty.

Social drinking is getting a little out of hand.

I see it around me all the time.

Arthur, social drinking is just that. I could quit any time I wanted to.

Well, so could I, for that matter. Oh, yes?

Why don't you, then?

I'll tell you why you don't. You can't give it up. You're hooked.

You really think you know your mother, hmm?

Well, I'll tell you something. I am going to give up drinking for a month.

How about you, Arthur?

I'm with you, Maude.

Just like that.

It won't be all that easy for old Walter, though.

How can you talk about Walter? You're the one who got so bombed last night,

ended up in my bed.

What?

It's nothing to think of.

No, I wouldn't touch your mother with a... Look, I... Three times, you are

definitely out.

Now, what were you saying about Walter?

Well, nothing, nothing, nothing. It's just that... Well...

Walter doesn't drink the way you and I do, Marty. I thought you knew that.

Arthur, are you implying that Walter... Mother isn't implying anything. He's

saying Walter has a problem.

My Walter?

A drinking problem? Oh, come on. Hey, hey! What idiot forgot to fill the ice

trays? I ought to chip the frost off the coils.

Now then, last call for Bloody Mary.

Well, I guess I better get back to my cake.

Honey. You know, Carol just pointed out that we have been doing an awful lot of

drinking around here. So Arthur and I have decided to quit.

Great idea.

It'll leave a lot more for me.

Frankly,

Walter, when we decided to quit, we just assumed that you'd quit with us.

You've got to be kidding.

Me quit drinking, old hollow -legged Findlay? Forget it. Come on, if I woke

in the morning without a hangover, I'd be sick.

Walter, we're serious.

Now, why don't we all quit together?

The three of us. Yeah, if the three of us quit at the same time, it'll make it

that much easier. The three musty steers.

You really want me in, don't you? I'll tell you what I'm willing to do.

I'm going to make you a sporting proposition.

I'm going to bet you $100 that I can stay off the sauce longer than you can.

$100?

You better watch it, Arthur.

That'll be the easiest $100 I've ever made in my life. You see?

Well, just say it's a deal, starting right now.

Starting right now. Right this minute.

Okay, Arthur, it's a deal. Terrific. Good guy.

Good.

Let's drink to it.

I've never seen a grown man drink a Shirley Temple before.

Neither have I.

Do you want to wait, or would you like to order?

The usual, Sally. Two turkey salads.

was born an old Sheboygan, that is why I'm off the wagon.

Sorry I'm late, old buddy.

I had to attend a seminar on acupuncture and I got stuck.

I made that up myself.

Say, what are we drinking? Shirley Temple's. Shirley Temple's? On the

Oh, that's not bad.

Not good. It is not good, but it's not bad. Hello, beautiful.

Hello, darling.

Another round, please.

Another Shirley Temple.

Did you kids bring a note from home?

Missed. A game of inches, Walter, a game of inches.

How long has it been since you've had lunch without a few martinis?

Years. But don't give me any of that holier -than -thou, Arthur.

Drinking at lunch is as American as apple pie.

But between the martinis you have with lunch and the couple you have before

dinner and the cognac after, I haven't seen you without a buzz on for months.

So what's a little buzz between friends?

Dean Martin gets a zillion dollars a year for his buzz, and he's funny.

Show business people making fun of drinking is part of the problem, Walter.

We're not talking about Dean Martin. We're talking about Walter Finley.

And we're talking about me like I'm a common drunk.

No, no, come on. Nobody said anything about you being a drunk. As a matter of

fact, I'm proud of you for getting off this stuff.

Because when you do drink, your personality changes. You become a

Here you are, kiddies.

Hey, beautiful.

How'd you like to run away with me to Jersey City?

I'll have to ask my husband.

If I wanted to take your husband, I'd have asked him myself.

That's funny, Doc.

What's funny about that one?

Arthur, you're just a dirty old doctor.

You know, attractive bachelor, good catch, all that sort of thing.

Oh, these Shirley temples grow on you. I'm beginning to like them.

Okay.

I owe you a hundred bucks.

You couldn't even stay off it for a few hours.

Just keep it up, Walter, and you're going to turn into one huge and large

with a mustache and a bald spot.

you better put it away before Philip gets home? No, I had him stay over at

Andy's so there wouldn't be any chance of his being in surprise.

Oh, I love it. I love it.

I never had a bike when I was nine years old. No, honey, but by the time you

were nine, you'd had three fathers.

That's something money can't buy.

I would have rather had a bike.

Now you tell me.

I thought you all agreed to stop drinking.

Yes, and we did.

But, Carol, all bets are off. Would you believe it?

Arthur caught Walter spiking his Shirley Temple.

If Walter's drinking, he'll need somebody to keep him company.

Oh, Mother, who are you kidding?

Come on, Carol, I know my limit.

One martini, I'm charming.

Two, I'm irresistible. And three, I fall flat on my hour.

Well, hang on, you're all... his mother because that's your second one.

If you ask me, you're all behaving like luscious, especially Walter.

I didn't ask you, and why are you picking on Walter?

I'm not picking on him, Mother. I'm just saying I think he has a drinking

problem.

Before you

say a word, I have a little confession to make.

I heard.

You're having an affair with Shirley Temple.

Now, listen, Maud. All I did was stop at the club on the way home and have one

drink. A fifth.

Last Friday, I heard Dean Martin say that.

What do you think you're doing?

Holding up my end of the cocktail generation.

Okay, old hollow leg?

Let's see who's hollower.

We're going to be a drinking couple. Let's drink, enjoy ourselves.

There's the old moor that I know and love.

When it's apple blossom time in Orange, New Jersey, we'll make a

peach of a pear.

Now, Sandy, if you think you're helping Walter, you're out of your mind.

Well, it may not be the way to help Carol, but it certainly is the way to

forget.

What do you mean, the way to forget?

What are you trying to forget, Maud?

I'm just trying to forget that I'm married to a 50 -year -old bottle baby.

Look who's talking, Miss Linda Lovelace.

Walter, I'm only drinking because you started drinking at lunch.

How'd you find out?

How did I find out? I bugged your swizzle stick.

You drink because you like to, just like I do. Admit it.

I won't admit it. I don't enjoy anything as much as you do.

What's this bike doing over here? Oh, honey, don't you remember? That's our

birthday present for Philip. He's going to be nine years old tomorrow.

You don't say.

Time flies.

One minute they're children, the next minute they're nine years old.

Oh, come on.

Walter, don't say that.

Honey, you'll break it. I don't know. Here I come. Evil Knievel rides again.

Come on, Walter. Now, stop that. Your daredevil days are over.

One more drink and it's only a daredevil night.

Walter, get off your bicycle.

Okay. I wasn't getting any place anyway.

Mother, I have to pick up some party favors.

I'll decorate the cake when I come back.

Okay, honey. Don't worry about a thing. We'll keep an eye on it.

She's gone. Look, let's surprise her and decorate the cake ourselves. Oh, easy,

Maude.

Easy. You're in no condition to decorate a cake. You're sloshed.

How can you be chaussure?

How could I be chaussure?

Did you hear that? You can't even say chaussure.

You're the one who sloshed.

Where are you going?

To get the frosting.

I'm going with you. Now, come on. Now, you promised Carol you'd keep an eye on

the cake. Oh, yeah. Keep an eye on the cake.

Okay,

honey. Now, I'll do the rosettes and you do the happy birthday pillow.

I don't want a frost cake.

Oh, come on, honey.

I don't want a frost cake.

You know, when you drink, Walter, you get so argumentative.

I'm sick and tired of hearing that. I am not argumentative.

When I drink, I'm a pussycat.

One more meow, pussycat,

and I'm going to have you altered.

I mean, you use it just like you shave it.

I never shave my shirt.

Yeah, that's better.

Okay, honey, happy birthday, Philip.

Mort, I bet you think I'm a drunk, huh?

Come on, Walter, I never said you were a drunk.

Roger, that doesn't say happy.

You smell that hippie.

You put a candle on it, he'll never notice.

Look what you did to your grandson's birthday cake, Walter.

Walter, you only did that because you were drinking.

You wouldn't do that if you were sober.

There you go again, Ward.

Implying that I'm some kind of a madman when I've had a drink.

Well, you are different, Walter.

Look at your face. You look like you could kill.

If I commit murder, it's because I've been driven to it. I can't take this any

longer, Maude.

I look at you and all I see is resentment.

Resentment and mistrust. And stop looking at me like that.

I'm not a cripple. I'm not sick.

I drink because I like to.

And why do I have to keep on defending myself?

problem. Do you hear me?

I am not a problem drinker.

Did you hear me, Mort?

Mort!

I ask you a question.

Walter, Walter, it's just a little problem. We'll lick it together.

I think everything's going to be all right, Walter.

Walter, don't cry.

Come on, we'll work it out, honey. We'll work it out.

We'll work it out.

You put a candle on it, he'll never notice.

Ladies and gentlemen.

You've just seen the first part of Walter's Problem.

Please tune in, Maude, next week for the conclusion of Walter's Problem and see

how Maude deals with it. I think everything's going to be all right,

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audit.