Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing, Maud.

Tiptoe through the tulips, through the tulips.

Hi, sweetheart.

Come on, Walter, wake up.

Come on, baby, we're going to be late. Come on, come on, Walter.

Come on, sweetheart.

Come on, darling, we're going to be late for the party.

And see, Frazier, the sensuous lion is at it again.

Look, sweetheart, I don't know who she is, but stop dreaming about her and wake

up.

Walter, if you're not up in one minute, I am going to pour this very dry martini

into your left semicircular canal.

Come on, sweetheart.

We have exactly 29 minutes to get dressed and get to the party. You know I

to rush.

Why didn't you wake me at seven like I told you?

Honey, I didn't have the heart to disturb you.

You looked so sweet and vulnerable lying there with your mouth hanging open and

the whites of your eyes exposed.

Rushmore will be late, that's all.

Come on, now. Joanna and Cliff ask that everyone be prompt.

You rush the hell with Cliff and Joanna. I'm taking my time.

I'm a great outlaw!

And your pantyhose made a puddle on the floor!

Stop complaining and mop it up.

Mop it up.

That matters no more toothpaste.

Sweetheart, mummy has something here guaranteed to bring baby back nonstop

grumpy land.

Look, since when do we have cocktails in the can?

Come on, honey, bottoms up.

And from the look on your face, I wish yours was.

hell with it.

I'll just go to the party with yellow teeth.

There's something on your mind. Now, what is it?

It's nothing.

Nothing's on my mind.

Walter, did you have your prune juice this morning?

You want to know what's on my mind?

Yes, Walter, I do. Where's my shaving cream?

I asked you to get me a new can of shaving cream, and all I can see is rows

rows of your needs, very nicely taken care of. Not one, but two cans of lilac

spray, and all I ask... What do you call this, Walter?

All I ask is to put my shaving cream in the same place where I can find it. If

that's asking too much, then I don't know what to say.

Look, Walter, something is on your mind. Now, what is it?

Look, the basin, the water doesn't want to go down. Have you been combing your

hair over the basin again, Maud?

Walter, look at my scalp, then look at your scalp. Now, whose hair do you think

is clogging up?

Come on.

Honey, we're going to a party tonight. Now, let's be in a party mood.

We will tiptoe through the tulips.

Let's see now.

Did I wear my green or did I wear my green to the Bartons? Honey, did I wear

green dress to the Bartons two weeks ago? What's the difference?

They were all stoned when we got there anyway.

Yeah, I think I'll wear the green.

Sweetheart, what do you think? Be honest.

Huh? I said, what do you think? Be honest.

I hate it.

Walter, if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.

Why is there always a puddle of water in the bottom of the soap dish?

That's it, Walter. Now, come on.

Come on, something is bothering you. Why are you picking at me like this?

Honey, if it's because I left you asleep an extra half hour, I'm sorry. Maude,

will you excuse me? I've got to see a man about a horse.

Maude, you know I hate parties.

You know, I've always hated parties.

You hate parties, Walter?

Then tell me, who was that funny little man with a mustache named Walter at the

Wiltons two weeks ago, trying to organize a conga line to go one, two,

kick all the way into town to see sexual freedom in Denmark.

Honey, you had a marvelous time that night, and you're going to have a

time tonight.

I mean, Cliff is a charming host, and Joanna is a great cook.

As a matter of fact, sweetheart, she's going to make her special paella

She showed me the recipe. It should be delicious.

What the hell is paella?

You know, you're the only man I know who looks great in toilet paper.

The national dish of Spain, don't you remember?

It's made with chicken parts and seafood and vegetables on a bed of saffron

rice. It's all coming back to me.

Fricassee of beaks and claws.

Honey.

Sweetheart, you think it's too early in the season to wear yellow?

How about this? What do you think?

It's both comfortable and ravishing at the same time.

Thanks for the consultation.

Oh, what we men have to go through just to smell like you, O 'Brien.

The night is young and I'm so beautiful.

Here among the shadows, beautiful lady. What's the big deal tonight, Mort?

We're going to spend a lousy evening up the street. You're cavorting around like

you just got an invitation to tango with Marlon Brando.

All right, Walter.

That's it. Now, look. I want to know what is bugging you, Walter, and I want

know right now. Okay.

Cliff Naylor.

Cliff Naylor? Cliff Naylor!

Honey, Cliff Naylor is a very sweet, gentle, funny man. Now, why don't you

Cliff Naylor? It's the way he looks at you. That's what bugs me.

Cliff Naylor is a very outgoing, gregarious man, Walter.

If he looks at me anyway, and I'm totally unaware of it if he does, he's

way with me.

He's not that way with me.

He has a thing for you, Maud.

He never takes his eyes off your rear end. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

My rear end?

Well, it is true I'm thinner now than I have been in years. Are you sure,

Walter?

I think he was trying to read a bumper sticker.

And he always looks right into your eyes whenever he tells one of his crummy,

dirty jokes, which is about every 30 seconds.

How could he look at my eyes if he's so busy looking at my rear end?

Look, how do I know? You just can't trust him, that's all. May I look at

in the mirror, Walter?

My word for it, Maude, it's there.

Come on, honey, you have to admit that Cliff is a very funny man.

I mean, that joke he told about the fat lady with the pet hamster.

when I read that the stars had striped in 1943 and it hasn't improved with

Oh, that poor wife of his.

Boy, do I feel sorry for Joanna.

You feel sorry for Joanna?

Walter, I can't believe my ears.

The one you should feel sorry for is Cliff.

Tied all these years uncomplainingly to that tiny little bird -like chinless

woman here. Zip me up.

I thought you liked Joanna.

I love Joanna.

She's a marvelous, marvelous, marvelous driver.

Will you suck in?

She really makes beautiful left -hand turns. A really first -rate driver.

Look, how do you do this?

There's a hook that fastens on the loop.

What loop?

There's a loop back there, Walter. Well, I can't find it. Why don't they make it

big enough to see? The loop must be broken.

It is not.

Then my eyes are broken.

You know, I'll say one thing about being married to Albert.

He had beady eyes and nimble fingers.

Seriously, honey.

Why do you feel sorry for Joanna?

Will you forget it? No, I really want to know. Forget it? Maude, I have an

ingrown hair and what are the chances of ever finding my tweezers?

Slim, Walter.

Very slim.

Boy, I want my tweezers!

Oh, Walter. Walter, it's not as though I didn't know exactly where they were.

The points are stuck together.

Don't worry about it, honey. It's just a little airplane glue.

Philip and I put the USS Lexington together this afternoon.

Oh, I'll bet you never would have dipped Cliff Naylor's good tweezers into

airplane glue.

Walter, would it be possible for you to get dressed and be disagreeable at the

same time? We're going to be late. Late?

You're worried about being late?

Once in a life...

for a party and you made me drive around the block 22 times so we wouldn't be

the first ones there.

You're a tower of trivia, Walter.

Have you ever thought about leaving your brain to science?

I could arrange to have it picked up first thing in the morning.

Now, on second thought, I'll remove it myself with your tweezers.

Thank you, darling. Thank you.

Why all of a sudden do you want to be on time?

Sweetheart, I am bringing the appetizer. Cliff and Joanna love that mushroom

spinach tart that I made at the Wilson's, you know, with the fluted

crust. You mean you made that gray -green beauty again knowing how I feel

it? Walter, it's a very elegant dish. Everybody loves it.

Everybody but Walter Findley.

Beautiful, beautiful.

Gray -green fungus followed by beaks and claws.

What's wrong with it?

Well, it was all wrinkled in the front.

Now it's all wrinkled in the back.

All right, Walter, so are you.

Everything of yours is hanging in nice, neat, tidy little plastic bags. You

never even look to see if anything of mine needs cleaning. All right, Walter,

you've made your point.

There's an old Lynn Barry movie on television we can watch tonight.

I've always loved Lynn Barry.

Look, Walter, don't think you're punishing me by not doing it. Why would

to punish you, Mort? I only wish you had told me sooner. It would have saved me

a pint of blood and a roll of toilet paper.

Bleed, Walter.

Do you know what I'm going to do now?

I am going to call Joanna, and I'm going to tell her why we're not coming

tonight. Kurt! Kurt! Here, wait a minute. Yes, he might get you.

I'm going to tell her the whole rotten, sordid mess, Walter.

All about your carnal fantasies.

How you can't stand her husband's alleged furtive glances at my fabulous

She's going to hear everything, Walter, so help me. Say goodbye, dear. Tell her

anything you like.

Hello? Joanna?

Hi, dear. It's Maude.

Yeah, listen, sweetheart.

Walter has something to tell you.

brilliantly. I mean, so imaginative, telling Joanna that you just woke up

splitting headache.

I'm trying to remember, sweetheart, who'd you steal that from?

Noel Coward or Burt Parks?

What I really loved, though, was when you told her that you loved... Okay, get

dressed. We're going to the party. No.

That's what you want.

No. I love parties and I love people, but we are not going.

You woke up with a splitting headache?

For once, I'd like to make an honest man of you.

You want to go, so we'll go.

I don't want to go. You're just saying that because you think I want to go. Now

we're going and that's that.

All right, Walter, if that's what you want, we'll go.

Only so that I can see your enchanted face across a crowded room.

I don't want to stand between you and a good time.

A good time? It's too late for a good time, Walter.

Do you think for a minute that I'd be able to enjoy myself now, knowing that

your hot, feverish eyes would be following me wherever I went?

You've danced with Cliff five times at the club dance last month. Now remember,

because every time you dipped, his nose got caught in your navel.

Whether you admit it or not, that's very dangerous for a woman of your age.

A woman of my age, Walter?

Walter, don't think I don't know what you mean by that.

Let me tell you something about a woman of my age, Walter. I am not a woman of

my age.

And, Walter, have you taken a good look at yourself recently?

I didn't want to say it before, honey, but your gums are beginning to recede.

information, Cliff Naylor is at least an inch and a half taller than you are.

And he has gorgeous gums.

What do you think of that?

I read your gargling like a book. You're jealous of Cliff

Naylor. Jealous?

I am not jealous. Well, you better be.

Cliff happens to have a thing for me.

This woman of my age, as you called me.

Difficult as that may be for you to believe. Oh, I believe it. You better

believe it. A tall, handsome man finds me fascinating, Walter.

Intellectually, spiritually, and physically.

Despite the fact that I have done everything in my power to discourage it,

because he means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.

Even though he is one hell of a guy.

You're kidding yourself, Maude. You just admitted that he is after you.

That's not what bugs me.

Maud, it's what he does to you.

Maud, he turns you on.

Oh, Walter, you're insane.

You're stark, daring mad.

I don't treat Cliff any differently than I treat any other man. Here, zip me up.

I'm not talking about any other man. I know what you're talking about, Walter.

Look, how would you like to suck in like you're supposed to?

One man ogles me and you're ready to stitch a scarlet letter on my chest.

F for fallen.

Take the look.

You'd love that, wouldn't you?

Walter, what kind of a woman do you think I am? The kind who paints her face

wears a trench coat?

Stands under a lamppost singing Lily Marlene?

Underneath the lamppost.

Just said he turned you on.

Walter, just because you're insecure, don't take it out on me.

All right, I am insecure.

I know I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but frankly, I'm a little

worried about you.

Listen, Walter, if you don't believe in me, at least believe in Cliff Naylor.

Because Cliff Naylor, Walter, happens to be an extremely idealistic man.

Who believes in the sanctity of marriage.

And who has never so much as looked at another woman for 19 long, unrewarding

years married to that chinless little gray person.

I thought you liked Joanna.

I love Joanna. She's one of my favorite people in the world. And do you realize

what you're making me do to her? A fabulous dinner party and a burned

Of course, if she were a better cook, she wouldn't have had to ask everybody

bring something.

As far as Cliff Naylor goes, Walter.

He has always had nothing but respect, Walter, for the fact that I, up until

about 17 minutes ago, was a happily married woman.

Cliff Naylor may come on like Mr. American Ply to you, but right now, that

idealistic man who believes in the sanctity of marriage is having a very

very heavy affair with a very married woman at the club.

Oh, Walter, that is a despicable thing to say. Do you honestly expect me to

believe that?

It's the truth, Ward. And the name of the truth is Harriet Powers.

Harriet Powers. Oh, Walter, will you be serious?

Harriet Powers!

Come on, honey.

Harriet Powers. You want to have something? You really had me going

That's not nice.

Harriet Powers.

I mean, if you'd said anybody else in the world, but Harriet Powers.

Let's face it, honey, nobody would make love to Harriet Powers unless they were

required to by law.

Maybe not, but your pygmy is.

Listen to me, Walter.

This is a very, very dangerous piece of gossip.

And I want you to tell me where you heard it so that I can get right down to

bottom of it.

Because, honey, any woman with ankles like Harriet's deserves all the help and

support she can get.

Straight from the horse's mouth.

Oh, honey, Harriet, Harriet is so desperate she'd say anything. What?

Cliff told me.

Cliff told you? At the club. It's very confidential. Nobody knows it but the

paid -up membership.

It's true, Mort.

Harriet Powers?

How could he stand her with a terrible laugh of hers?

And how could she have time? for an affair. She's always at the

Walter, Harriet Powers is hideous.

She's dull and stupid and hairy.

I always thought you liked Harriet.

I love Harriet.

You'd just be very objective about her shortcomings.

Cliff told you that? He gives progress reports every Sunday in the steam room.

Poor Joanna.

I mean, so sweet and so bright and so chic. And bird -like. Right. And

Right, right, right. And all these years married to that five -foot -three -inch

greaseball.

Boy, sweetheart, why are you carrying on? I am not carrying on, Walter. I'm

calm. No, you're not. Yes, I am calm.

Why should I care if a... tacky little man I barely know is having an affair

with an extremely crude woman who happens to have the filthiest locker at

club. I mean, why should I care?

I don't know. Why should you care? I don't care. Why do you think I care? I

to tell you something.

I care.

I care. I care. I care. Oh, why, Walter? Why?

Why? Sweetheart, because he turns you on. Oh, no. No, that's not true, Walter.

You turn me on.

Flattered me.

He held doors for me and he pulled my chair out when we were through dancing.

mean, silly little things like that. He flattered me.

He paid attention to me. Oh, I'm such a fool.

But how could he have been so earnest and noble with me when all the time he

having an affair with Harry, Harriet Powers?

pay attention to you more?

Walter. Let me put it this way, honey. If you even once held my coat for me,

be convinced you just found out I had less than a week to live.

Come on, sweetheart.

I love you. So I don't always help you with your coat. I'm sorry, Walter.

You know something?

You have every right to refer to me as a woman of my age. I am a woman of my age

right now.

Because if I weren't, I wouldn't have been so flattered. And that's all it

Walter, flattered.

And maybe, maybe even a little grateful that it's not all gone by.

That another man could find me, and only me, attractive.

Oh, but you're very attractive, don't you know? Oh, I don't want to be

attractive, Walter, attractive.

is the consolation prize.

I want to be beautiful.

And it'll never happen again, Walter.

Oh, honey, this face is on its way out, Walter.

Then I'm not ready for it.

I'll never be ready for it.

You want to know the truth, Mort?

I think I'll be a little bit relieved when it finally does go.

Well, you know, I don't handle jealousy all that well. Oh, I noticed that.

Maude, it's the middle -aged need to be flattered. I've gone through it. We've

all gone through it.

Oh, sweetheart.

What woman wouldn't be flattered by the really rotten performance you put on

tonight?

Well, now that my headache's all gone...

Do you still want to go to the party? Sweetheart, there's no reason not to go.

Believe me. Oh, great. Suddenly I'm in a party mood. Come on. We'll be late.

Why should we be the first ones there?

Oh, that pygmy.

With those terrible jokes. A fat lady with a pet hamster.

You realize, Walter, I'll never have to laugh at them again. Come on.

Sweetheart, I'm going to spend the entire evening looking at your rear end.

I take you.

Hello?

Oh, hello, Cliff.

Yeah, this is Maude.

Well, yeah, Walter's headache is gone, so we'll be there. Yeah.

What?

What's that?

Oh,

Cliff, honestly, you're terrible.

and we'll play strip checkers.

Well, Maude, your friend Cliff Naylor really blew his reputation tonight.

I mean, he must have been loaded. That's the only explanation I can think of.

Well, I've never seen anything like it.

Imagine, so loaded he even made a pass at his own wife.

Oh, poor Joanna.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.