Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. After the ball

is over, Mary takes out her glass eyes.

puts her false teeth in cold water.

What are you singing?

Ever since Jane came to visit, you've been carrying on like a sorority girl.

honey, that's exactly what I feel like. As a matter of fact, do you know that

Jane and I used to sing that song way back in our sorority days when we were

young and the dinosaurs ruled the earth?

Honey, I can't tell you how fantastic it is to have Jane here. Hey, Jane,

remember this one?

Oh, how we danced on the night we were wed.

We danced and we danced cause the room had no

bed.

Button up your overcoat, you forgot your pants.

Do you realize that we actually used to say doozy? And misty. Yeah, and when a

good -looking guy walked by, hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba.

Oh, boy, I can't remember when I heard this. You two women are behaving like a

couple of teenagers.

Yes, and this teenager better truck on out to the kitchen and see how her beef

stroganoff's doing.

Well,

how come there's six place settings?

There's just the three of us, Jane and Arthur, and Philip's at Jimmy's. Well,

you never know who might drop in. I mean, a weary traveler, a hungry

Mother, you're not making sense.

I'm not?

Well, maybe that's nature's way of telling you to mind your own business.

Oh, I hope Arthur likes my stroganoff. It's my best shot. Arthur Harmon?

He'll love it.

How can you miss with a man who gives four stars to Franco -American

Oh, Janie, Janie, I can't tell you how thrilled I am that you and Arthur are

hitting it off. Oh, so am I, Maude.

He's so adorable. He's got that cuddly kind of face, and do you know, I think

knows more about old movies than anybody I know. Of course, and you have that in

common. Oh, Jane, I mean, you have so much in common. And on top of everything

else, he's a doctor. Right.

Do you know you could be dying and never have to leave the house?

known each other three days.

Honey, when you're over 40 and single, you don't count days. You count

opportunities. Besides, if nothing's happened, she's still had a good time.

And if something does happen?

Then Arthur had a good time.

Hubba, hubba, hubba, hubba.

You're right.

So are some of these pictures in the family album.

Oh, Jane, look at this one.

Oh, my goodness. Our school project.

Here I am playing Betsy Ross, Carol.

Who's the good -looking guy?

It's me.

I was George Washington.

I was also Robin Hood, Benjamin Franklin, and St. Francis of Assisi.

Carol, if you never want to be typecast, don't be the tallest girl with the

deepest voice in an all -girls school.

Carol, look.

Here's a picture of Jane with Linda.

That's Linda? Yeah, Jane's daughter. Oh, she couldn't have been more than four

years old. Oh, is that adorable.

Adorable.

If I'd known how she was going to turn out, I'd have bought a poodle instead.

Jane, how can you talk that way about your own daughter?

Lord, you tell me. Would an adorable daughter try to take her mother to

She did that? Over the money her father left her.

If Harvey had wanted her to blow $25 ,000 on gurus with greasy ponytails, he

wouldn't have named me executive of his estate.

He'd have named Sonny and Cher.

Still and all. Jane, I mean, it's so sad. You come all the way from Chicago.

don't even call your own daughter. Remember that poem?

Oh, my son's my son till he gets him a wife.

But my daughter's my daughter for all of her life.

Then there's that other poem.

Lizzie Borden took an ax and gave her mother 40 quacks.

Listen, I don't want to talk about it. We have never gotten along, and we never

will. If I've got to make myself look seductive for Arthur, I'd better go

upstairs and beat this chin into submission.

You know, honey, I have an overwhelming feeling that tonight is going to be the

happiest night of Jane's life.

I have an overwhelming feeling, too, Mother.

The extra place setting, all this lovey -dovey mother -daughter talk.

You invited Jane's daughter, didn't you?

Not necessarily.

Mother, you're lying.

How dare you say that to St. Francis of Assisi.

I did invite her over here. I told her that her mother was dying to see her.

That is the most outrageous lie you have ever told. It is not.

When you were two years old, you asked me what your belly button was for.

I told you it was a place to keep salt if you wanted to eat celery in bed.

We want Jane and Linda to have the same lovely relationship that we have.

So will you stop being a rotten kid?

Mother, you are trying to run other people's lives again. I am not trying to

other people's lives again. Well, at least I know I'm in the right house.

Mmm, smells good. Beef stroganoff? Mm -hmm.

Jane's making dinner tonight. You know, it's Arthur's favorite.

Naturally. When is the wedding, Maude?

Walter, I only introduced them to each other three days ago.

That's what I mean. You're already two days behind schedule.

Hi, Walter.

Jane, that's terrific.

Oh, Jane, you look exquisite.

You're every inch the beauty I am.

that gets me through the day is saying to myself in the mirror every morning,

mirror, mirror, no matter how blue, Ava Gardner is older than you.

You do that too.

I take from Dolores Del Rio.

Who's Dolores Del Rio?

A river in Mexico.

You know, when I look in the mirror... Oh, who cares, Walter? Who cares?

I'm freezing out there. I should have worn an overcoat. Just coming from next

door. I am freezing.

Eleven American beauties. The twelfth is you.

Oh, they're lovely, Arthur.

You recognize the line?

Eleven American beauties. The twelfth is you. Walter Pigeon to Greer Garson.

Mrs. Miniver, 1942.

Close, close, close.

David Niven to Loretta Young, 1939.

Oh, of course.

They don't write dialogue like that anymore.

You're so thoughtful, Arthur.

You're so lovely, Jane.

Loveliness makes thoughtfulness a pleasure.

Arthur D. Jane, 1973.

I bet all your lady patients fall in love with you, Arthur.

Well, it's getting harder to handle all the time.

Blow on my stethoscope, and I'll follow you anywhere.

You better follow me right now, because there's something I want you to see.

Look, Maud and me in our high school musical. Now, wait.

Who do I remind you of?

I got it. I got it.

Thelma Todd, Bottoms Up, 1932.

How about me, Arthur?

Charles Lawton, mutiny on the boundary.

Five American fingers, Arthur. One of them is for you.

Wolfman, Boy Cow 1946.

Well, it isn't often that I get such lovely roses. I better put these in

I'll go with you, lovely lady. Nothing turns me on like sniffing, sipping,

stroking off my mouth.

You know, I think Jane is really taken with Arthur.

And why not?

Arthur's quite a catch.

A doctor, single, fairly well -to -do. Yeah, and not bad looking when he's

wearing a surgical mask.

have this big problem. I need to be jumped.

Oh, you see, it's so cold out that my car is stalled twice and my battery is

dead.

Oh, my goodness.

Walter,

this is Linda, Jane's little girl. Oh, Jane's little girl.

Hi, little girl.

My husband.

Hi, Walter. That's a groovy mustache you got. Thanks. I love black mustaches.

This is gray.

Linda. Oh, Linda.

Honey, there's someone in the kitchen who is dying to see you.

I'll believe that when I see it. Believe it.

Not less than five minutes ago, your mother was quoting this lovely poem

girl burying the hatchet.

Forty times.

I'd say just a wee bit more paprika.

What would you say, Florida?

I'd say get out of my kitchen.

Jane.

Jane, Linda's here.

Linda? My Linda? No, before you say anything, she misses you.

She misses her money. They'll be reunited on her 30th birthday.

Honey, she came brave the snow, sleet, and hail, risking a chest cold.

Now, she doesn't want another night of bitterness or resentment.

Give her a chance. Give her a chance.

Linda.

Mother.

Little Linda.

Little mother.

You see, and you two said it wouldn't work.

Arthur, I bet you never dreamed that anyone as young and beautiful as Jane

have such a grown -up daughter.

They look like sisters, don't they?

This is my daughter, Linda. Linda, this is my very dear friend, Dr. Arthur

Harmon. What a shame on you.

Oh, goodness, he looks young enough to be an intern.

Oh, not really.

And, Doc, do you make house calls? I'm home an awful lot.

To Cary Grant. She done him wrong. 1934.

1933. Right.

You really are James Little Girl, aren't you? I really am.

Listen, Artie.

Artie? You wouldn't happen to have a pair of jumper cables in your little

bag, would you?

My battery's dead.

Oh, I doubt that.

Your battery's dead. Your battery's dead.

As a matter of fact, I happen to have a pair of jumper cables in my garage right

next door.

Oh, that's...

again. I'll help you hold the flashlight.

Arthur, what about the beef stroganoff? Oh, I'll put a little more paprika in

it. It'll be fine.

Oh, listen, aren't you going to freeze? It's cold out.

It's like spring out there.

Where do you keep your razor blades?

Oh, Jane, honey, I think you got the wrong impression.

Look, I've known Arthur for years. I got a totally different picture. Didn't you

get a different picture, Walder? Oh, yeah.

James Mason, Lolita, 1962.

One

little

lifeline. I tell one little lie to try to bring a mother and daughter together,

and look what happens.

Carol calls me a meddler. Walter says that I'm interfering.

Arthur runs off with Linda. And Jane, my best friend in the whole world, is so

angry she won't even look at me.

My whole life could be sponsored by Procter & Gamble.

I wish it was. I could turn it off.

What are you doing? I'm hiding Jane's mink coat so that she can't go to

and ruin her life.

Oh, Florida, it's terrible.

Every time I come near her, she looks the other way. And she's furious because

Arthur and Linda never did get back for dinner last night. I kind of figured

that when you offered me beef stroganoff for breakfast.

We're with everybody. You send out a call for help and the whole world

you. Mother, I'm here. Are you all right? I left the office as soon as you

called. Hello, darling.

Mother, you said when you phoned you drank a bottle of shampoo by mistake and

were writhing in pain on the bathroom floor.

I did, dear, but the shampoo turned out to be cream soda and the pain was gas.

Oh, honey, the important thing is that you're here.

You can't be worried. Why did you tell me you drank shampoo?

Be reasonable, Carol. Would you have come if I told you I drank cream soda?

Marge, how bad is it? Don't worry about it, Walter. It was just cream soda.

The basement's flooded with cream soda?

Walter, never mind that. Never mind. that the important thing is that you're

both here. Maude, do you realize you took me away from the store? You took me

away from the office? Look, Jane is in trouble and she needs our help. Maude!

Well, I think Jane is leaving.

If that is Jane.

Jane?

You, Jane!

That's her, all right.

What's the matter, Jane? Got a pain in the neck?

Yes. and you're married to it Jane darling now come on that's so unfair

the hell it is and don't you darling me look Jane Jane oh come on now Jane this

is ridiculous you can't go through life not looking at me why not there are 900

million people in China who never look at you and they get by

Jane, let's be honest. How many of them really get by? Two, maybe three dozen.

Jane, Jane.

All right, I lied to you last night. Jane.

All right, Jane.

I won't look at you either.

Jane, be reasonable. Nobody goes to Chicago without a mink coat.

Damn, Maude. Why can't you mind your own business?

It's funny how everybody eventually gets around to that question.

Thank you for that, Walter.

Maude! Oh, Maude.

Maude, are you all right?

If it isn't Mr. Last Tango in Paris.

What is this? My answering service said you had a broken leg.

Yeah, I did, but it went away.

I took a couple of my dolls.

Why, you got me here on false pretenses. Arthur, don't you think you should tell

Jane what happened last night?

How you couldn't get Linda's car started, so you sent her home in a cab,

then standing there waiting for the tow truck, how you slipped on the ice and

hurt your back, so that you went right home, took a hot tub, and then went to

bed?

I really think you should have a doctor look at that eye mark.

old Linda home and had a few drinks in her apartment.

A pad, as she calls it.

That's quite a little girl you've got there, Jane.

Quite a pad.

Burning incense, cushions all over the place, happiness and cats, maybe more.

You ever try counting cats when you've had a little too much vino?

God, how much more of this do I have to take?

Now, I'm calling a tab.

Oh, Arthur, tact, T -A -C -T, is the only four -letter word that doesn't

describe you.

Oh, all right. I'll get it. It's in the closet. But, Jane, you are not leaving

until you've heard the whole story. Listen, Walter, do you get the

that I'm being insulted here? Arthur, cool it. Go squat in a neutral corner.

I don't like your attitude, Walter. What are you doing here?

Now,

look, we're not all here yet. There is one person missing. But any minute

The doorbell. That's the answer. Now look, behind that door is the missing

person. Behind this door is the reason we are all gathered here.

Will you come in, please?

United Parcel.

Why can't you mind your own business?

What are you doing?

I intend to wait outside for my taxi.

Oh, Jane, please. Give this a chance to work, I beg of you.

Oh, Mother.

Linda, what are you doing here?

I'm hugging you, Mother.

Mark called me and said you decided to give me my money.

Let me tell you something, sweetheart.

Yes, Mother.

Maud lied.

Now, look, look, look. Linda, before you fly off the handle, listen. Do you know

how difficult it is to get a group of people like this together during the

Order,

order. Now, that's right. Please, everybody, sit

down. Crying out loud?

I could have been at the store.

I could have sold a couple of washers.

Linda, Jane, Carol, Arthur, Walter, let me

explain. Don't tell me more, it's a Tupperware party.

God will get you for that.

Now look, there is...

of a relationship that I have with all of you. Please, for the sake of that

thread, give me five minutes.

I mean, you're all dear friends and family, and who amongst us is so without

guilt that he could cast the first stone?

Well, I... Shut up. You're probably the guiltiest one here.

Now, look, I know that you're all a little miffed at me, but...

Let's examine my motive for a minute. I mean, I invite my dearest friend in the

world, a widow, to come to visit me. I try to seek a little companionship for

her with a licensed M .D., a surgeon from next door.

I try to reunite her with her own flesh and blood daughter when they haven't

spoken to each other in over eight years.

Is there a crime in this?

I mean, if anybody can see a crime in this.

Please raise your hands.

That man.

Well, I refuse to believe it. I refuse to believe it. I may be old -fashioned,

but I believe that love conquers all.

Now, look, with all the hostility in this room, all we need is one person,

one person to say something nice about somebody else.

Linda, the Bible says...

and a little child shall leave.

So you begin. Say something nice about your dear mother.

M is for the money, mommy. Stop that!

Linda, your mother loves you.

If she loved me, she'd give me my $25 ,000.

Not the $25 ,000 that your father sweated blood for. Oh, Carol, if I only

daughter like you.

If you had, you'd be hearing from my lawyer. Linda's right.

What's the camera roll? She is 26 years old. Mother Jane has no right trying to

control her life.

And to think that I gave up martinis for six months so I could breastfeed you.

Don't move. Everybody stay right here. I'll be right back. Don't move.

Hello? What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't talk to you now.

I said I can't talk to you now.

All right, hold on.

Jane. Never mind. I've heard quite enough from your pipsqueak daughter.

Oh, Carol, if only I had a mother like you. If only I had a daughter like me.

Look, something tells me there's no place for me in this argument. Something

tells me there is no place for you, period.

Go on, Linda.

Follow Arthur into the sunset, and I hope you roast in it.

Arthur?

You thought I was interested in Dr.

Doolittle there?

Can you imagine me being interested in a middle -aged man who comes to my

apartment, sits on my floor, has one glass of wine, and throws up on my cat?

Well, you didn't have to tell everybody that.

Now, look, Arthur, nobody is leaving until we get this whole thing

out. Horsefellas, I have no time for this nonsense.

Do you realize a patient of mine could be dying somewhere without my help?

to drink a bottle of shampoo.

So where are you going? To the store.

But it's too late now.

The liquor store. I need strength.

That's my taxi.

Goodbye, my darling. Okay, please.

Goodbye, mother dear. Oh, listen, don't bother to write. Just send money.

Linda. Maude, there is no law that says a mother and daughter have to love one

another, but there should be one that says they have to live in separate

Goodbye. And thanks for straightening things out.

Oh, Jane, listen.

Jane, wait.

Hello.

I'm back.

What?

I'm listening.

I said I'm listening. Mother. Wait a minute. Hold on a minute.

I'm sorry I got angry at you.

I thought about it.

What you tried to do for Jane and Linda was really a very sweet thing.

Thank you, Carol.

I can't tell you what a daughter's love and respect means to a mother.

Yeah. What?

What? Oh, come on now, this is the last straw.

Why, look, from now on, will you just keep your opinions to yourself and stop

bugging me? Goodbye, Mother.

Mother,

you're really something.

After all this, you still think Linda and Jane will get together?

Well, of course I do.

I mean, mothers and daughters can fight, but...

All through their lives, Carol, they're attached to each other with an unseen

umbilical cord, which makes it very difficult going through a revolving

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.