Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel Platt, she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize and... Just

one more day.

Just one more day.

Chris, Chris.

Medium. Medium.

I'll let them worry about it.

Hi, Miss Finley. Beautiful day, isn't it?

Ernie, the last milkman who told me it was a beautiful day at 7 in the morning

was found three weeks later face down in his cream cheese.

I just wanted to check on this order.

You never took prune yogurt before or low -fat buttermilk. The only one I know

who takes that is Dr.

Harmon next door. Yeah, well, right now, Dr.

Harmon next door is up in my shower.

singing Gilbert and Sullivan off -key and steaming all the wallpaper off my

ceiling.

Let all his natural body oils go right down the drain.

Oh, I get it. He's here because of that fire in his house.

Bingo, bright milkman.

He is here because of that fire in his house.

Ernie, please, get the buttermilk.

Maude, don't tell me you're Mark Spitz doing an orange juice.

me to introduce myself.

My name is Maude Findlay. I am your wife.

What's that mean? That means that ever since Arthur has been here, you've

come to bed.

Last night I was in bed promptly at 1 a .m.

I'm sorry to hear that, Walter, because you weren't in our bed until 2 .30.

Come on, Maude. I was down here playing cribbage with Arthur. Now, if you'll

excuse me, I'll take my shower in the utility bathroom.

Why must Arthur always use our...

Why can't he shower in the utility bathroom?

One more day.

Oh, I see you and Mr. Findlay play cribbage. No, Dr.

Harmon and Mr.

Findlay play cribbage. Is it tough to learn?

I don't see why.

All you do is move those little pegs up and down the board and drink beer, belch

a lot, and tell dirty jokes.

What was that?

Ernie, please. You're becoming too involved in my life. I'm not ready for

What? We're going to have to boil some water. Why? Are you going to have a

I just want to wash my face. Arthur used up all the hot water.

How can anyone spend so much time in the shower and with such a little body?

Then again, how can anybody put a shirt in the washing machine with a quarter of

a pound of Kleenex in the pocket?

And how can anyone spread prune yogurt between two Lorna Dunes?

Mort, I know having Arthur here is no picnic for you, but I've been trying to

keep him out of your hair.

I took him bowling one night. The night before that, we went to the fights.

Last night, we played cribbage. I'm doing my best to help. Thank you,

And if you want to help me some more, when Mommy goes upstairs to tell Arthur

that his breakfast is ready, you stay down here like a good boy and poison his

coffee.

If it isn't Mark Smith.

Honey, I'm awfully glad you're here.

Tell me, Carol, do you like my poached eggs?

Poached eggs are poached eggs. That's what I always thought. So all my life

been cooking them in those little round cups, but Arthur says no.

First you must bring the water up to a furious boil, then make a whirlpool with

a wooden spoon.

Now, it must be wooden so as not to give a metallic taste to the water and then

to the egg. Then take said egg and very gently slide it from the dish

into the eye of the whirlpool.

It's enough to make Julia Child lose her ladle.

Where's Philip?

Oh, he went to school before dawn so he could use the bathroom.

Hello. Is there a doctor in the house? Yes. Bye.

Come on in. Good morning.

Good morning, Carol.

What are you carrying?

Dr. Norman asked me to iron some shirts, so I did it at home last night. Oh, but

no! That's nothing.

He also wanted his socks donned and his jockey shorts stay puffed.

My great -grandmother didn't work this hard, and she was a slave.

Good morning, Florida. Good morning, Mr. Mellon.

I just shouldn't ask Florida to do work like that. You should mention that to

him. No, I have a better idea.

When he comes in for breakfast, I'll smile sweetly at him, and when he isn't

looking, I'll slip him into the eye of the world.

Oh, little buttercup, dear little buttercup. No, I can never tell why.

But still I am buttercup. Carol, get me a shovel. I'm going to plant little

buttercup.

I thank you, Marty.

Hey, Arthur!

You expect me to read the paper in this condition?

You don't have to. I read it.

What do you want to know?

The liberals are still fighting, the Democrats are broke, and Mary Worth had

purse snatched by a junkie.

Okay, Arthur.

Your water is boiling.

Your egg is on the launching pad. Start the countdown.

Start the countdown.

Carol, would you like one, too?

No, thanks, Mother. I couldn't put an egg through all that trouble just for

I'm late. I've got to get on my bicycle.

Bicycle?

What's so funny?

Come on. Come on. Let me in on it. Why?

Why?

Nothing more. Just a joke we heard at the bowling alley the other night.

Because elephants don't ride bicycles.

Because elephants don't ride bicycles?

Yeah, look it, but I am over 18.

It's a man's joke board. You wouldn't appreciate it.

Then don't tell me. I don't need your help. I'll get Philip to tell me.

Hey, you read this!

Oh, yeah. What?

What? What, what, what?

It's about basketball.

You wouldn't understand. What do you mean I wouldn't understand basketball?

a college graduate. All right, you've made your point.

Tell Arthur his egg is ready. Arthur, you register it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh.

What do you mean, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh?

Marty, I don't want you to think I'm finickety now, but if you make left -to

-right whirlpools instead of right -to -left whirlpools, it does a much better

job, you know. I don't know why. It seems to gather up the whites better.

Look, why don't I give that one to Walter?

Walter, try to make up for my failure and eat it counterclockwise.

I know counterclockwise.

Good morning, Dr.

Harmon. Good morning, Florida.

Try not to spill anything on that shirt, will you?

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Finley, I'm about to make the beds. Are there any check

-ins or check -outs today?

I don't know.

But when you short sheet the bed in the den, be sure it's left to right, not

right to left.

Lord! No, no, no, no, no. Leave her be, Walter. There's a lot. Marty has a right

to be aggravated.

I know I'm not the easiest man in the world to live with.

You're kidding.

No, it's true.

Even my, even my Agnes told me that.

I remember she said, Arthur, you are not the easiest man in the world to live

with. And then she died.

Marvelous woman.

And a prophet before her time.

Hello, buddy.

Our home is your home as long as you want.

Right, Mark?

Right, as long as you want her.

One more day.

Well, I think I better get on the stick.

Oh, uh... I don't want to be too much trouble, Marty. Why don't I get

downtown?

Arthur, the next time you want an egg a certain way, I'm going to give you an

egg a certain way.

That's probably for me.

Dr. Harmon here.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Martell.

Good sign. Nothing to worry about.

It isn't draining, drain.

You know it's draining.

She's like you. She likes a good joke.

Well, when the nail falls off, call me.

Oh, Marty, don't be so squeamish. Just a little shop talk.

I'll get it, Marty.

One more day.

Harvey. Say, how's it going?

Oh. Oh, really?

Complications, huh?

Oh, that's too bad.

That's terrible.

Well, listen. Is there anything I can do?

No. Well, you can't win them all.

Yeah. Thanks for calling.

Arthur, that's awful. A patient of yours?

Worse. My house. It won't be ready for two more weeks.

Two weeks?

Well, it's an old house. They're having trouble replacing certain things.

Walter, I think I'd better sign into a motel. Oh, don't be ridiculous. You're

staying right here. Hey, where did this come from? Isn't that great? That's a

surprise for Philip.

Are you crazy, Arthur? Carol hates war toys, and so does Maud. You can't give

that to Philip. Oh, well, I don't want to cause any trouble, even though

both wrong.

Kind of a shame, isn't it?

Machine guns are kind of fun, don't you think?

All right, you guys.

I'm going to give it to you just the way you gave it to my sister.

What is that gun doing in this house? Marty, that's just a toy. A war toy,

Arthur, in this house?

Well, I bought it for my grandson.

I'm going to give it to him tomorrow. Right, Walter? Right. Well, just be sure

that Philip doesn't see it. Don't worry, he won't. But Philip has to learn those

things sometime.

In this world, it's dog -eat -dog. And vice versa.

Now he's bringing war toys into the house, Walter. One more day.

What? 24 hours. I am clinging to that like a drowning woman. Maud. A drowning

woman, Walter.

Maud, there's trouble with his house. He'll be here two more weeks.

Maud Findlay, lost at sea.

Maud, I don't know why you're so upset about Arthur. I know it's an

inconvenience for a couple of weeks, but he's our friend and you put up with

friends.

By the way, I'll be there a little later.

Arthur and I have tickets for the Lumberjack show.

Do you mean to tell me, Walter, That the two of you are going to go out together

again tonight?

Walter, did you ever think of asking me? Did you? Did you ever think of asking

me?

Okay, Maud.

Can I go out with Arthur tonight?

God will get you for that.

Maud, it's tree climbing, log rolling, rail splitting. I didn't think you'd be

interested.

You didn't think I'd be interested in rail splitting?

I am shocked.

I adore rail splitting.

It is my favorite pastime, next to log rolling.

Mort, what do you want? An invitation, Walter.

All right, you're invited. Thank you very much, but I've already made other

plans.

Do you want me to stay at home? Is that what you want? I didn't say that. I'll

stay home. You'll do no such thing.

You want to go with me? You don't want to go with me.

You want me to stay home with you? You don't want me to stay home with you. You

haven't told me what you want, so I don't know what you want.

Tacky excuses, Walter.

Feeble, tacky excuses.

I give up.

It's only 7 .30 in the morning, and I've already put in a full day of arguing.

Either I stay or I go, Maud. Go, Walter.

Go. Go.

And after the...

Why don't you and Arthur round out the evening at a massage parlor where Miss

Lily can put you into orbit with her dancing vibrators?

What was that all about?

After all these years, I have finally found the perfect marriage.

Walter and Arthur.

Why am I talking to myself?

That's why he's not home yet.

I have to do something to stay awake.

And Johnny's guests tonight are Horst Buchholz, Alan Lutton and Betty White,

Melvin Laird.

I'd rather hit myself.

Mind if I borrow yours?

What are you reading?

Oh, pornography, dear. You wouldn't like it.

How to play cribbage? Some pornography.

Well, when you're 47, you clutch at the straws.

Mother, you're not fooling anyone.

You're feeling left out. And you're reading that to get back in.

All right.

But how would you feel if your husband went out every night with his best

and totally ignored you?

Mother, you're acting like a child.

Don't you think I know I'm acting like a child? Don't you think I know that,

Carol? That's why I have to stay up until Walter gets home tonight so that I

apologize to him. I can get down on my knees if necessary to beg his

for my childish emotional outburst, which he deserved, every word of it.

It's high time I remembered I'm an adult.

That's more like it.

Thank you, dear.

Now, where the hell...

Lumberjack show. It's almost midnight. Even I can climb a tree faster than

Mother, insecurity is for children.

It used to be, Carol. Now they make it for adults, too.

They're home.

How should I know?

I saw it once in a Carol Lombard movie.

It kept Clark Gable from going to Shanghai with Walter Slazak.

Now get out of here and let me start remembering to act like an adult.

Oh, sorry I'm so late, Maud.

Better late than never, Clark.

glad you're home.

You're up kind of late, aren't you, Maud? Darling, I had to wake up so that

could apologize for losing my temper this morning. Darling, do you forgive

Sure.

No, sweetheart, I've missed you so much. And my heart has been aching because I

was so cruel to you this morning.

But, Walter, darling, I'm going to make it up to you.

I'm going to make it up to you like you've never had it made up to you

Because I love you, Walter.

Walter, I adore you.

That new bathroom spray's not bad.

Walter, that's night of love.

No kidding.

Do they have it in pine?

No, but I could get you something in pine.

Oh, could I get you something?

Why are you wearing your bathrobe?

Go downstairs.

I promised Arthur I'd finish that cribbage game with him. Walter, I

apologize to you.

And I accept it.

Walter, when a passionate, warm, seductive woman apologizes, she expects

and make up.

Oh, okay.

Arthur's downstairs making a snack. We're going to set out the crib. Oh,

no more bulletins on Arthur.

Unless you hear him being pistol -whipped by a prowler.

In which case, I'll make hot cocoa forever.

Very funny.

Then why don't you laugh, Walter?

Why don't you laugh? You laugh at everything Arthur says.

Elephants don't ride bicycles.

How come you never laugh with me?

You want me to laugh with you? Yes.

I'll laugh with you. Ha -ha, ha -ha.

Walter, don't you see?

He's driving us apart.

He's been in the house only three days and already you're questioning your

marriage. Who's questioning?

I'm very happy with our marriage. No, you're not.

You're eating yourself up inside because your friend downstairs is footloose,

free to come and go as he pleases. No wife to tie him down. Isn't that what

want, Walter? No. Don't lie to me, Walter.

Let me tell you, it's not easy being a wife either.

For example...

Just once, Walter, just one day, I would love to drop my dirty clothes on the

floor and then find them magically cleaned and folded and neatly put away

drawer all on the same day.

Now, who do you think does that, Walter?

Who do you think does that, Walter?

Who, who, who?

Maud, if you're through apologizing, I'll go downstairs.

Oh,

it's my good casserole dish.

He's broken my good casserole dish. I didn't know it was a casserole dish. It

sounded like a glass. Look, I know my crockery, and that was a casserole.

That was a glass.

He has got to leave. I mean, he's not only trying to wreck our marriage, now

he's starting it on the house.

Morg! He has got to leave.

Morg!

Morg, wait a minute.

Please! You can't do this. Marty, Marty, Marty, Marty, I'm afraid I had an

accident in the kitchen. I broke one of your dishes.

And my heart.

But don't worry about it. Walter, tell him.

Tell me what, Walter? Never mind, Arthur. Mort, be reasonable. You have 30

seconds, Walter. All systems are going counting.

28.

Mort, stop that counting.

If I can do it for an egg, I can do it for Arthur.

25. Wait a minute, Marty. 24. Am I involved?

Only for the next 18 seconds, and then you're out of it.

15, 14, 13. You want me to get rid of him? I'll get rid of him. Get rid of

Stay there, Arthur.

What are you going to do, Warner? I'll get rid of him.

The only way to make sure you get rid of somebody for good is to rub them out.

No wonder the Japanese lost the war.

Give me it. Maybe I can fix it. Give me that gun.

Not like you dirty rats.

I'm going to give it to you just the way you gave it to me.

Walter, he's got it working.

That's my girl.

Don't you, that's my girl, me, Walter Findlay.

and I'm sorry.

I only did it to show you how silly you were about Arthur.

Listen, you two, I think I'd better go to a motel. Oh, no, please don't.

I'd rather have the two of you operating out of the house.

Do you realize that this is the first thing that we have done together since

arrived, and I had to use a gun to join you?

I mean, why couldn't, why couldn't you have included me in just once?

Well, we meant to, Moira. I never meant to cut you out, Marty. No, you get a

couple of guys and it's like Saturday night.

Why didn't you say that was all you wanted?

I tried.

Just couldn't bring myself to say it.

I'm jealous.

You faint.

Come over here and sit down. No, Walter.

Listen,

Walter, I... Arthur, sit down.

Okay, Wallace.

Arthur? Yeah?

Is there such a thing as three -handed cribbage?

Huh?

Well, there is now.

Now, Maude, the first thing to remember... Wait a minute. What's the

No, Dad.

Do you really mean that I'm going to be included in on everything?

Absolutely. Sure.

Good.

Then tell me.

I'm so sorry I was so upset with you.

Now that Arthur has moved back into his own house, I feel nothing but warmth and

love for you because we're alone and together again.

Thank

you,

Walter.

Maude was recorded on tape before a live audience.