Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. I know, Maud.

Hey, you guys, the champagne's ready.

Great, Carol.

That's the last of the bags. We're all packed.

Boy, do I envy you and Mother taking a second honeymoon to Italy.

Bon voyage.

Yeah, it's going to be sensational.

I haven't been in Italy since the army.

Boy, how times change.

Now it takes four suitcases to have a good time in Italy.

During the war, all you needed was a pair of nylons and a Hershey bar.

Walter! Carol!

Bon voyage, Mother.

You won't believe this.

Of all times for something like this to happen. What?

I just broke out in a terrible rash.

Boy.

Boy.

You're kidding.

Does this look like I'm kidding?

Oh, it itches.

I wonder what it is.

From where I'm scratching, we can rule out mumps.

We're not going to have to cancel our trip, are we?

No, don't worry. We're going to be on that plane tonight.

If I'm lucky, the person sitting behind me will have long legs and pointed

shoes.

Hi, kids.

I brought you something to read on the plane.

It's a new book by Jackie Onassis.

How to Live in Rome on $10 ,000 a Day.

Just a little humor.

It's a travel book on Italy.

Well, Walter, if you don't want to dance with her... You better leave her alone.

She's got a rash on her backside.

Oh, that's better.

Oh, in my parade of pleasure, scratching an itch runs a close second.

What's first?

Later.

Well, it's a good thing I'm here, Maude.

Let's go upstairs.

For what?

I want to have a look at your rash.

I just bet you do.

Maud, don't be foolish. Let Arthur examine you. He's a doctor. Oh, come on.

Walter, I am not going to let my husband's best friend ogle my naked

But he's a doctor, Maud. He ogles my naked body all the time, and it's no big

deal. That's because your naked body is no big deal.

The mine is different.

You'd know that if you'd ever leave the lights on.

My nurse gave her a tetanus shot for the trip.

Sometimes those things produce a reaction. Higher, Walter, higher.

But don't forget lower, either.

Oh, faster, faster, Walter.

I've only got two hands, Morg.

I could use two more for the territory I've got to cover.

God will get me for that.

Yes, sweetheart.

He'll forgive you, but I won't.

Arthur, you'd better do something. They have a plane to catch in three hours.

All right, Marty.

If you won't let me examine you, I know the dermatologist down at the Clark

Street Medical Center. Dr. Tatko. Is he any good, Arthur?

He must be. He drives a Lincoln Continental.

Well, call him right away. Tell him I'm on my way.

I'll drive you, honey. No, not with that foot.

The irony of it.

Here I am going to Italy,

This part of me looks like a pizza.

Dr. Tansko's office. You'll have to hold on, please.

Dr. Tansko's office?

Yes, yes. Hold on, please.

I've been in this cubicle for 20. Now, where is the doctor?

Doctor's doing the best he can, Mrs. Finley. He'll get around to you. After

doctor is not a machine.

No, you're right. Doctor is not a machine.

Doctor is a pain where I itch.

Look, I came here seeking help. Now, where is it?

Miss Langston, will you check the twitch in two and the swelling in five,

please? Yes, doctor.

And you, Madam Mara. Mrs. Finley, and I'm in a... Terrible, terribly rushed,

Doctor. You see, we're going to Italy tonight. Now, Dr. Harmon called you. I

broke out in an awful rash.

He thinks it might be a reaction to a tetanus shot that he gave me. Oh, would

you excuse me? Doctor, please! I've been here... Yes?

Yes, Dr. Stark. What can I do for you, Dr. Harmon, Mrs. Finley? Yes, and he

that he thought possibly... No, I don't think it was the antibiotics.

Mrs. Haworth often displays those symptoms.

Doctor! Number five. She's swelling up like a balloon.

It is the chocolate pudding. See?

I better have a look.

Oh, don't mention it, doctor. Happy to have been of service to you.

What's that?

Why, yes. Yes, I still have that apartment building in New Rochelle.

Wonderful investment.

Not one vacancy. Doctor, how about me?

Sorry, no vacancy.

Yes. Well, goodbye, doctor.

Doctor, please. I'm in an awful rush. You're so uncomfortable.

I can't.

Or a rash?

I'll be there as soon as I can get away from two.

Now, look, nurse, please. I'm in a terrible hurry. Please.

City water will drive them crazy.

Hello? Dr. Tasco?

Uh, yes, yes, this is Dr.

Tasco. No, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I am leaving dermatology. I'm going to

become a veterinarian.

Yeah, call me when you got a horse.

Oh, let me see. Now, you're, uh... Mrs.

Findley, doctor.

That's right.

Now, Mrs. Findley. Finley, let me explain this whole thing to you.

there's nothing to be alarmed about. You see, Dr. Harmon called me and told me

that you had a reaction to a tetanus shot.

In layman's terms, Mrs. Finley, you have a rash.

A rash?

Now I know why you drive a Lincoln Continental.

Well, don't worry. Actually, I anticipate no difficulty in bringing

control. Oh, would you excuse me? No, doctor, please, please.

Yes, but this... Please. All right, all right, Mrs. Feddy.

Italy, huh? Oh, wonderful country.

Hope you're going to Rome. I know a wonderful restaurant there, American,

on the... I'll be right there.

Right on the... Great state. Please don't hang up. Now, here. You take these

everything is going to be just fine.

Yes. Oh, good. Please put them on.

Yes, doctor.

Mrs. Lucci's boils are getting worse?

Oh, well, of course I'm available for that.

Yes,

I certainly appreciate your asking. Doctor, I took the pills. Oh, I'm

sorry, Doctor. I cannot make it tonight. No, you see, tonight I'm going to the

Pharmaceutical Association banquet.

Oh, you too?

Well, good, good.

Yes, I'll see you there. We can discuss the boils over coffee.

Bye -bye now, then.

Now then, Mrs. Finley, you take one of those pills every six hours and have a

wonderful trip to Italy.

Ciao.

I can't imagine where she is, Arthur. We're supposed to be at the airport in

minutes. Dr. Tasker's office said she left half an hour ago. She should have

been here by now.

Finally, that must be her.

Mark!

Walter? Carol?

Don't panic.

Everything is fine.

Really, everything is fine.

Mark! I know what you're going through, pal. I got a sister -in -law.

Sweetheart, darling, what's wrong?

Oh, honey, nothing is wrong.

Mother!

Wait a minute. The taxi. What happened to the car, Maude?

You didn't have another accident, did you? Oh, no, darling. I'm just a little

bit dizzy. You know, it must have been the pills.

Well, time to go to the airport.

What kind of pills?

I don't know. The doctor gave me some pills, and I took them on the way out,

they worked. You see, I feel better.

What's wrong with her? Well, she obviously has some kind of an

problem. I'll go and call the doctor.

Ward, what happened? I don't know. I was driving home, and I started getting a

little dizzy, so I tried to pull over to the curb, but instead I swerved, and I

almost hit a poor old lady. Take my hand, Walter.

Luckily, she was a fast, poor old lady.

Ward, where's the car?

is fine, Carol.

Yes, doctor.

Yes, I'm calling about Mrs. Findlay.

Findlay.

What was it you prescribed for her?

Chlorophenerum and maliate?

Yes, well, I presume you cautioned her as to the possible side effects.

What do you mean you must have?

Well, I'm a very busy doctor, too, but I hardly think that's an excuse.

No, I'm afraid I don't know how it is.

Who's that all about?

Maud has taken an overdose of an antihistamine that could cause

of equilibrium, and it may have given her an inner ear problem.

She wasn't supposed to take all the pills at once.

Well, the doctor didn't tell me that, Arthur.

I think you better go upstairs and have a nap.

Nap? Oh, no, I'm fine.

No, we're going to Europe, Arthur. Absolutely not. In your condition,

could make you violently ill.

Arthur, I want to go on this trip. I've been planning on this trip. I've never

had a second honeymoon.

I've had four first honeymoons.

But this is my first second.

No, I feel wonderful. We're going to Rome, kids.

Maybe they could fly the plane at an angle.

I'm sorry, Marge, you can't go tonight. Now, in a day or two, you'll feel

better, and then you can go.

But no, Arthur, we can't go in a day or two. It's a special charter flight for

Maytag dealers.

I'm not only going to miss it, I'm going to be out 800 bucks.

Oh, honey, I'm...

So sorry.

Honey, we're both sorry.

But I'm also thirsty.

Excuse me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

You're all so wonderful.

I don't know how I came to deserve you.

I must really be something.

I feel like punching that doctor right in the nose.

Talk about negligence. He was negligent, wasn't he?

Well, it's certainly unusual not to warn a paper about abolition.

is made up. Your friend Tasco is guilty of malpractice.

Malpractice? Yes. Now, a punch in the nose, Marty. All right, but

Tomorrow morning, Arthur, first thing, we're going down to my lawyers and we're

going to sue. But, Marty, you can't prove it. It's the doctor's word against

yours. It is not. It's the doctor's word against yours, Arthur.

Mine?

You're my witness.

You expect me, a doctor, to testify in a malpractice suit against another

doctor? You're going to sue just because of a little dizziness?

Yes. I'm going to sue just because of a little dizziness. You bet I'm going to

sue because of a little dizziness.

Arthur, we are going to sue.

My rash is back.

Oh, are we going to sue.

Easy, mother, easy. Honey, I'm all right, Carol. Are you sure? Sweetheart,

go of me. I really am fine.

Thank heaven we don't dine by candlelight.

Maude, I think you'd better lie down. No, no. It's more important that we make

our plans, Arthur. Now, tomorrow morning, first thing, you and I are

to my lawyer's office. Now, Maude, I am not saying I'm going to testify, but I'm

not saying I'm not going to testify. Well, then what are you saying, Arthur?

saying there are two sides to every question.

And since there are two questions, will I or won't I, that makes four sides

we've got to look at.

Arthur, look.

A malpractice suit will teach Dr. Tasco that he has a responsibility to his

patients. I don't care how busy he is. I mean, after all, I'm not suing to be

vindictive or even for the money.

Well, Maud, we just lost our 800 bucks. I'm getting vindictive and we're suing

for the money.

You're darn right we are. You can't get your plane fare back on these charter

flights. Walter, Maud, certainly both of you must realize that a malpractice

suit can ruin a doctor.

Arthur, my mother could have been killed in that car today. Yes, but she wasn't.

You mean I have to be dead in order to sue a doctor?

You'd have a much better case.

Well, if Arthur said we don't have a case... We do have a case, Walter.

Arthur, do you realize what this trip means to us? Do you know that we've been

planning on it for over a year? Why, Mark, where are you going? To the desk.

I know that, but I have to get there this way.

Arthur, do you know what this is?

Do you know what this is? This, Arthur, is an Italian language record I have

been studying every day.

Io sia alla scaletta verde.

Do you know what that means?

That means that my uncle has a green pencil box.

It took me six weeks to learn that.

Now, Maude, please calm down.

You know perfectly well that nothing is more important to me than the well

-being of this family and serving its best interest.

Then you mean you will testify?

No, it's not in your best interest.

Now I know why the snake is on the medical symbol.

If he really thought that Tasco was guilty, he would testify.

Arthur wouldn't testify to the sun rising if it involved another doctor.

lying through his teeth. Oh, come on, Carol. Now, don't say that.

Why not? It's true, isn't it? Yes, but I want to say it.

Walter, he's lying through his teeth. Get out of my house, Arthur! All right,

I'm going. Wait a minute, Arthur. Wait a minute.

Maud, if Arthur goes under these conditions, then I go with him. Then go,

Walter. Okay, go on, Walter.

But, Walter, what?

Remember one thing.

Mangia caballo.

What's that mean?

That's Italian for this.

Darn it. I hate to see you and Maude fighting like that.

Especially over me.

Maude just doesn't understand you, Arthur.

She doesn't understand about malpractice either.

You know, somebody has an accident on the street, see?

And a doctor comes along.

And he wants to help, you know.

And something goes wrong. It has nothing to do with the doctor.

They can sue the pants off of him. Yeah?

Sure.

That's why you notice now if you're in the theater, you know.

And somebody hollers, is there a doctor in the house?

Nobody ever answers.

Come on, Arthur. It's true.

I've been there, sitting right next to a doctor. He didn't open his mouth.

That poor Tasco.

He wasn't all that negligent.

Wait a minute, Arthur.

Tasco was negligent? What? Fred, can I have another round?

He said he wasn't negligent.

Forget it.

I'm not drinking with a man who has no integrity.

Me neither.

Let's drink to that.

Arthur, you lied to me. You said we had no case.

You're protecting Tasco.

Come on, Walter, that's the way of the world.

You know, lawyers stand up for lawyers, senators protect senators, doctors

protect doctors.

Even wild animals protect their own.

Otherwise, it'd be a jungle out there.

Walter, my wife could have killed herself.

Our vacation was ruined, and I'm out 800 bucks.

Listen, Walter, if I blow the whistle on another doctor, he could blow the

whistle on me.

I stand to lose referrals. I stand to lose grants, research. How would you

to lose a friend?

Eight hundred bucks, Arthur.

All right, all right, all right.

I'll give you the eight hundred dollars myself.

Thanks, Fred.

This damn thing doesn't write.

Where's my pen? I don't want your lousy money. You can't buy my friendship.

If I wanted to buy your friendship, I'd give you a nickel.

I just about had it with you, Harmon.

Gentlemen, please.

Hey, Fred, I think he's resorting to violence.

Come on, go ahead. Hit me.

You really want to fight?

I'd murder you.

I'd cream you. You couldn't lay a finger on me, but I think I better warn you, I

was a school bully.

Come on, guys. Now, you really don't want to fight.

Don't tempt me, Arthur.

Don't tempt me. Go ahead. Swing. Fellas, fellas. Stand back, Fred. I don't want

you to get hurt.

Come on. Go ahead.

Come on. Hit me. Arthur. Go ahead. You're asking for it.

Oh. Oh.

Now look what you did.

You put a dent in my copper bracelet.

I'm sorry, buddy.

You broke the spell. I could get arthritis this very minute.

killed each other.

We nearly did.

I've never seen you so angry.

I've never been so angry. Hey, Waller.

Listen. If my testifying is so important it could destroy our friendship, I will

testify.

You really mean that, Arthur?

You old son of a gun.

Listen,

I can't lie to you. I was never the school bully.

the eraser monitor.

Walter, please. Come on, Mort. Arthur said he testified. All right, all right.

I'll apologize.

I'll apologize.

Arthur.

I can't. I cannot do it.

Mort. All right, all right. I will. I will.

Arthur.

Arthur, if earlier this evening I said anything that might have offended

you... I've noticed you make a habit of that, Marty.

Let me suggest this for the future.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar.

That's right, Ward.

A still tongue never strangled its owner.

Would you hold those words?

I want to get my sewing basket and embroider them on a whoopee cushion.

The apology is off! I have never heard such drivel in my life! Honey, Thompson,

Strangler... You're about to apologize because you have to apologize!

It's probably Confucius with a new shipment of fortune cookies.

Good evening, I'm Dr. Tasco.

Dr. Harmon, Doctor. Oh, yes, Doc.

Well, Mrs. Finley, how are you feeling? I have nothing to say to you. I will see

you in court.

Maude, let's find out what the gentleman wants. Well, thank you, Doctor.

You're quite welcome, Doctor.

Mrs. Finley, I don't have much time. I'm between parties.

And I just wanted to come over and thank you.

Thank me?

Yes, for being a remarkable woman. You know, you taught me a very valuable

lesson. Being busy is no excuse.

Well, I...

I know I had every right to be upset. I mean, particularly in view of what

happened at... Between parties?

Yes, I thought I owed you that.

Well, that's terribly sweet of you, Doctor.

I mean, I know how little free time you have.

Well, Mrs. Finley, I realized that I was wrong, and I deeply regret it.

It takes a big man to admit he's small.

Thank you, Doctor.

Walter, imagine.

He is making a special after -hours house call just to apologize.

What about my 800 bucks?

Walter, don't be crass when a man is humbling himself.

Particularly a doctor.

Doctor, I accept your apology.

And I trust that you have learned something from the experience. I love

tux.

I'm so glad you understand.

Well, I really must be going. And once again, thank you all. I'll walk you to

the door. Thank you, doctor. Goodbye, doctor. Goodbye, 800 bucks.

Walter, how can you talk to a man like that, a doctor?

I appreciate your coming, doctor. No problem, doctor.

I hated to take you away from your party.

I'm glad you came.

The Finleys are nice, you know, but they're civilians.

They don't understand the business of malpractice.

Look, I'm glad you called.

It's important.

See, they wouldn't have gotten to first base with a malpractice suit.

But you, doctor, well, testifying, you could have been in a lot of trouble.

You could have been in a lot of trouble, too.

Well, I guess that's what fellow doctors are for.

Walter, it's so romantic. It's just like being in Rome. Except, honey, you

forgot one thing to make it really authentic.

That's for sure.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.