Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to answer that she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

Dark is all work on the Mississippi.

Dark is all work.

I can't believe my ears. Did you hear what you just said?

You just sang, darkies all work on the Mississippi.

They are not the words. We have new words now.

Oh, yeah.

Colored fools.

Lower it up. We do not say darkies. We do not say colored folks. Everything has

changed. Now we say, here we all work on the Mississippi. Here we all work while

the straw boss plays.

Everything has changed.

Yeah, except for one thing. Y 'all still playing and we still working.

Look, Florida, nothing racial. Would you mind getting the telephone?

Mother, what about that banner? It's not hanging straight.

Yeah, it does sag a little in the middle.

But then again, so does Walter. It's good enough.

Listen, what happened to all the silver? You used to have a ton of it.

Sweetie, don't you remember when I divorced Albert, he got it in the

settlement. What did Albert want with the silver?

What did I want with all those power tools?

A spite can be a terrible thing, Kathy.

Mother, do you really expect people to wear these silly things?

Well, of course. Honey, Walter will love it. He'll think it's his 10th birthday

party instead of his 50th.

Anything to get him out of that blue funk he's been in.

Oh, sweetheart, Walter's only going through what every man goes through when

reaches 50.

That sudden, horrible realization that all those young girls hanging around the

schoolyard are teachers.

That was Mr.

Crowley's office calling from Peoria. Yeah. His plane got off on time, and

landing at LaGuardia at 5 .30.

That's wonderful!

Oh, what a surprise this is going to be, Florida.

Floyd Crowley. You know, he and Mr. Findley were boyhood chums back in

They haven't seen each other in over 30 years.

Oh, I must say that to pull off a surprise like this, a wife really has to

tip -top.

Mrs. Finley, any woman with four marriages ain't just tip -top, she's

pro.

Anyway, it is the best birthday present I could have gotten for Walter. Look

what I got. I had this blown up from an old snapshot.

The two of them, age 11, in Peoria.

Walter will die when he sees it. Which one is Mr. Finley?

This one, the one with the runny nose.

Oh, to think I always wanted to have a little boy like that.

And now I have one.

And he's 50 years old.

Happy 50th birthday to you.

Happy 50th birthday to you. Okay, come on, Arthur. Now knock it off, will you?

Now, Stan, give me a drink and make it something appropriate.

Like a shot of old granddad.

Walter, it's only your birthday.

Only your birthday, huh?

I think I'll look at this. I got this birthday card in the mail this morning

from my oldest friend, Floyd Crowley. We've known each other since we were

eight. That's 42 years, Arthur.

42 years.

How could I know anybody 42 years?

My father knows people 42 years.

Arthur, I think I've turned into my father.

Walter. You're right. I mustn't be morbid. I mustn't be morbid.

Should I show you the old dead skin on my knuckles?

See how it stands up when I pull it?

You have to snap right back, Arthur.

There's no snap in it now.

Walter, old pal, listen. I've also been thinking about all the important things

I swore I'd accomplish when I was in my 20s and 30s.

This morning I made a list of them.

Arthur, did you ever make love to a movie star?

No.

Not actually.

Did you, Walter?

No, just another dream that went up in smoke.

Like my plans to live in Paris for two years and my glider pilot lesson.

Oh, thanks, Sam.

Listen, old pal, you've got to snap out of this. You're carrying on as if you

were ancient.

Actually, you're still a young man.

I am.

Certainly. Except for your knuckles.

Well, you're in the prime of life.

Not young enough to beat that lousy bum Tommy Hollander on Saturday.

Tommy Hollander?

Yeah, we're both in a tournament.

And I gotta beat that miserable cheater if it's the last thing I do. Walter, you

can't play Tommy Hollander. What do you mean I can't play Tommy Hollander? He

died, Walter.

He keeled over yesterday, just like that on the 14th hole.

That poor sweet guy.

Poor old Tommy.

Yeah, poor old Tommy.

Would have been 48 next month.

Two years younger than you.

What was it, Arthur? A heart attack? Yeah, a beauty. Never knew what hit him.

I didn't know he had heart trouble. He didn't until yesterday on the 14th

Right after his chip shot.

He was sitting right here and he told me he had a complete physical checkup.

EKG, chest x -ray, stomach x -ray, the whole ball of wax.

Got a clean bill of health.

Case or us are up.

And you said 50's the prime of life. It is, if you reach it.

You know, someone once said, a man is not old if he's still seeking something.

Now, there must be something you're still seeking, Walter. Not anymore,

I'll never be a glider pilot now.

And I'll never be half of a vaudeville team either. Are you going into

vaudeville, Walter?

Oh, wait a minute. Me and my childhood pal, Floyd Crowley, we put this act

together when we were 12 years old. You should have seen it, Arthur. We sang and

had movements for every word.

There's an old spinning wheel in the parlor

Spinning dreams of a long, long ago

That's lovely, Walter.

I'll see you at the party.

God willing.

Spinning dreams of an old -fashioned garden

And a maid with an

old -fashioned boy

I do, don't I?

Oh, this is going to be the most wonderful birthday party ever.

Mrs. Finley, before I forget, here's a little something to put with the other

gifts for Mr. Finley.

Oh, Florida, how terribly sweet.

No, I can't tell you how touched and gratified I am that you feel comfortable

enough with us to want to exchange gifts.

I mean, what with all the bitterness and... strife between the races today.

Mrs. Finley, please, don't make me regret my generous impulse.

That was shaping up to be one of my better statements on World Brothers.

That must be Floyd Crowley from Peoria, but Walter isn't even here yet. Go back,

finish the canapes. Carol, better go up and change.

I'm coming. I'm going.

Oh, Terry.

God. willing.

Why didn't you use your key?

Because I felt like ringing our doorbell.

I never rang our doorbell.

Now I have, and it's over.

Forget the doorbell.

Sweetheart, it's your birthday. You can ring my bell.

Please.

Walter, is there something wrong?

No. It's just that I have this tight feeling in my chest.

Now, look, darling, you are not going to have gas for your birthday.

But not with 18 guests coming.

Mort, I'm 50 years old, half a century.

Oh, I know, darling. I know exactly how you feel.

Come sit with Mommy a moment.

Yes, sweetheart.

I want you to remember that you're not alone.

Do you remember what Robert Browning wrote?

Grow old along with me.

The better it is yet to be.

Now, what does that mean to you, sweetheart?

Did I show you the skin on my knuckles?

See how it doesn't snap back?

Look at this, Maude. Look at this chicken neck.

Here I am trying...

desperately to bring you out of your despondency with love and affection and

kindness, and what do I get for it? A chicken neck.

Now, listen to me, Walter Findley. I am not going to let you wallow in your own

self -pity. Please, Maude, let me wallow.

Walter, you have to get used to the idea of being 50 years old. I've had it up

to here with your morbidness. But I haven't.

I used to listen to you when you started with your hot flashes.

hot flash for you right now.

Happy birthday, Walter.

Carol, Florida, birthday boy's here.

I'm not going to wear this hat. You're going to wear it. You're like a damn

fool.

Wonderful. You're beginning to feel like your old self again.

Did Walter's surprise arrive?

Surprise? What surprise?

Walter, it is something very special. It is something that is going to just lift

you right up out of that cellar, isn't it, girls? Yes. What is it? I can't.

That's probably it now.

It is, girls. Let's leave him alone. Look, Walter, you answer the door

It's your surprise.

Just yell, yell, come in. Darling, it's my birthday present to you.

Come in.

Excuse me, I was looking for Walter.

Walter?

Walter Finley?

Floyd?

Floyd Crowley?

There's an old...

30 years.

No, so they weren't really that close, but I'm sure he was a lovely individual.

Hi. Oh, hi, darling. I'm on the phone to Peoria.

You were saying, Mr. Sheridan?

Yes, yes, we were aware that Floyd had no family.

Yeah, no, I think it's just lovely of your local VFW to take care of the

arrangements. Oh, by the way, did Floyd arrive at the airport all right?

Oh, that's too bad.

What happened? No, Floyd arrived, but his luggage was lost.

Well, the important thing is that Floyd arrived safe and sound.

Nice talking to you, Mr. Sheridan. Bye -bye.

Oh, Carol, have we ever managed to live through these past three days? I will

never know.

How's Walter? Did he go to work? Work? He won't even phone the store.

Three days now, he's been sitting up there, staring at the walls, muttering

things like, the moving finger writes.

Carol, I feel so guilty. It's all my fault. Mother, you can't blame yourself.

What you tried to do was lovely.

Look, you brought Floyd Crowley up here to cheer Walter up. Something tells me

it didn't work.

Oh, if there were only something we could do, the man is drowning in self

Carol. I mean, there must be...

Don't look now, but I think that's Walter coming down the stairs.

Is it Walter or the ghost of Christmas past?

Oh, Walter. Walter, I'm so glad you're feeling better. Darling, I can't tell

how nice it is to see you downstairs again.

Philip.

What about Philip, dear? Philip!

He's outside, Walter. Sweetheart, do you want to talk to Philip? I don't

understand. Philip!

Walter, you haven't spoken to me for over 24 hours. Philip!

We only pass this way once.

But before I go, there's one great truth I'd like to teach you.

Now, where were you at 6 o 'clock this morning?

In the bathroom.

Good.

The house is very quiet at 6 a .m., Philip.

And the walls are very thin.

That means, Philip, if you don't want to wake up a tired old man, try for the

side of the bowl, not the water.

Now, Philip,

repeat after me.

When water falls on water, it makes a sound that all can hear.

But when it's sprayed on porcelain, it falls silent to the ears.

You understand?

When it's sprayed on porcelain... That's very good, very good.

Now run along and play. And Philip, run around the bases once for your old

grandpa. Okay, Gramps.

Walter, what did you say to the boy?

Man talk. You wouldn't understand.

Walter, we are going to have this out right now. Carol, do you mind?

No, of course not.

Walter, if there's anything I can do... Just don't waste your life, Carol.

Carol, while there's still time, go out there and run around the bases once for

Walter.

Okay, Walter?

Talk to me.

There's an old spinning wheel.

Walter, cut that out!

Now, look, I feel just as bad about Floyd as you do. But, darling, what

to Floyd is as much a part of life as living. You have to expect these things

you grow older. Walter, I've had it. I can't take it anymore.

You're not the only man on earth who's growing older. Oh, yeah? And how about

this chicken neck?

Walter, please stop torturing yourself.

Listen, darling.

I have seen pictures of you when you were 20 and 30 years old. Walter, you

better looking now than you were then. Now, what do you think about that?

Maude, middle -aged people always look better to other middle -aged people.

That's all that keeps us from killing ourselves.

Walter, what are you talking about, darling? You are better looking now than

were. I swear it. And so am I, Walter.

I said, and so am I, Walter.

God'll get you for this.

Hi, Marty.

Hi, Walter. I was laughing, boy. I'm so glad you're here, Arthur. Walter, look,

if you won't talk to me, talk to Arthur. He's your closest friend. Talk to him,

darling. Tell him what's gnawing at you, what's eating you up alive.

You said that a man is not old as long as he is seeking something. I don't know

what I'm seeking.

I don't know if there's anything left to seek.

It's too late to be a glider pilot.

Walter, where are you going?

Going upstairs to pack. I've got to be by myself.

Walter. Walter, help me.

Well, Maude, you know what's bothering Walter, don't you?

For the first time, he's facing his own mortality.

He's afraid, Maude.

And the only thing that'll counteract the fear of death is life.

And how do we do that?

With love.

Oh, come on, Arthur. He already has that. He knows I love him. Of course he

does. I'm not just talking about your spiritual love, though, Maude.

I'm talking about your, uh, physical relationship.

Oh, that.

Oh, Arthur, the things I could tell you if you were a woman doctor.

From another town.

I'm only trying to help, Maude. Arthur, let me put it this way.

For the past two weeks, if Walt Disney had a camera at the foot of our bed,

there is no scene that couldn't be shown uncut in front of the Mouseketeers.

I understand, Maude.

But, you know, I've been reading up on... Sex research, Master and Johnson.

And, you know, they put a great deal of emphasis on the simple act of touching.

Touching? Yes, not in the erotic sense, Martin.

I mean, hugging, caressing, using physical gentleness to break through the

defenses of a withdrawn person.

Touching.

I'll try it, Arthur.

I mean, I'll try anything.

It could work.

Thank you, Arthur.

Don't quote me on this, but sometimes you're a real sweet guy.

You see? You see? You're touching me.

You broke through my defenses.

By golly, it works!

I'm going to see Walter now.

I want to touch you.

What? I'm trying to pack. Where are my socks? Walter, come on. This is me. I

only want to touch you. The last thing in the world. The last thing I want is

be touched. I don't want my skin touched.

Then let me touch your teeth.

I don't want the tip of your finger on any part of my person. I don't want to

touched here or here or here.

Especially not there.

Can't you get it through your head? I don't want to be touched.

I want to be alone.

You want to be alone?

Is that what you want, Walter? You want to be alone?

All right, then be alone, because I want to be alone, too.

Where are you going? How do I know? I'm not there yet.

But I am going someplace, Walter, and I am going to have fun.

All right, go ahead. Go ahead. See if I care. Of course you don't care.

You don't care about me. All you care about is you.

Lord, I am 50 years old. And boring, Walter.

But let me tell you something, buddy boy.

You are not 50. You are 50 and three days.

Three days closer to the Grim Reaper, old buddy.

that negligee for?

Might be cold where I'm going.

Come on, Lord. I just bought that for, you know, for special occasions. Yeah,

well, one never knows when she's going to run into a special occasion.

Now, wait a minute. No, you wait a minute.

I am very sorry, Walter Findlay, that you had to find out on your 50th

that you are a mere mortal. But it is not the end of the world. Now, take my

suitcase downstairs.

I never said it was the end of the world.

I said I have to think about the few remaining years I have left.

Then by all means, think about them, Walter. Think about them.

Wallow in them. Do everything but live them. Now take my suitcase downstairs.

You want your suitcase downstairs?

You want your suitcase downstairs?

There. It's downstairs.

Do you want to understand me, Walter?

Sure.

I'd like to even understand myself.

Darling, you said it yourself.

A man is not old as long as he's still seeking something.

Walter, if we both lived to be a thousand, I'd still want to know more

you.

The same for me, Mort.

Then there is something left to seek, isn't there?

And, Walter, we're touching.

A whole lot we're touching.

What are you laughing about?

I don't know what made me think of it, but I just thought of this old riddle

Floyd and I used to do. A riddle?

Yeah. What has one eye?

Yeah. Sticks out its tongue?

Yeah. And loves to make love?

I know the answer.

Happy birthday, Walter.

Walter, just think.

You're 50, and I'm 47. Do you know what that means?

Do you know what that means, Walter?

In three years, you'll be 53.

And I'll be 44.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.