Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to answer that she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Okay,

friends, now hear this.

I have tried everything I know with you. I have tried patience, kindness,

sweetness.

Let's face it. You plants haven't grown an eighth of an inch in six weeks.

Now listen to me, guys. You're going to shape up or ship out.

I read all the latest magazines, current books. They all say talk to you, so I'm

talking to you.

And you.

I said things to you last night I haven't said to four husbands.

Mother, do you know what's going on?

Mother, there's a black man outside walking up and down the property

Picketing what?

Us. He says we're slumlords.

Slumlords? That's what his sign says. A slumlord lives here. Oh, come on, Carol.

Don't be ridiculous. Do you know what a slumlord is?

A slumlord is somebody who owns one of those terrible buildings in places like

Harlem where they cram hundreds of people into a building and dozens of

into two rooms and 60 people have to use one john.

I mean, don't tell me that a slumlord lives here or that there's a black man

there picketing.

Carol, there's a black man out there picketing.

There must be some mistake.

A terrible mistake. If a slumlord lives here, I'll eat him.

Well, do you want to start with Walter's hat or with his shoes?

Walter? Yes, that man said he lives in a slum tenement on River Street that was

just bought by a new group of investors, a syndicate. Walter Findlay is a member

of that syndicate.

Walter Findlay? My Walter Findlay? Oh, come on, Carol, don't be ridiculous. You

mean not my Walter Findlay. I mean somebody else's.

My Walter Findlay!

Yes, dear.

Drop your socks, grab your pants, and get down here.

about that picket. I've got to take Philip to school. Philip!

Hurry, honey, you'll be late for school.

I'll take him out the back way. Listen, honey, let him scrunch way down deep in

the Volkswagen.

I don't want him to see that picket. Oh, look, Philip, honey, there's a new game

your mother's going to teach you. It's called scrunch. You get laid down in the

back.

Scrunch, scrunch.

Walter, Walter, listen.

There is a black man outside our door picketing with a sign that says a

lives here. A slumlord? And he means you.

How can you say that, Maud?

Do you know what a slumlord is? Now, how could I be a slumlord? You couldn't.

You couldn't, Walter. I know it's all a terrible mistake, and I know you'll be

able to explain it very easily and in just a few seconds. Your time's up,

Walter.

What? There is a black man out there picketing, Walter.

See for yourself.

There is a man out there. It must be a mistake. I'll throw him off the

He's black.

I'll lift him off gently.

a slumlord.

Walter, did you buy into a building on River Street?

River Street?

Yeah, the Riverview deal.

Wait a minute. Mike Taupin put us into that. You're a slumlord, Walter.

Oh, you'll live with a man intimately for four years. You share his every

confidence and suddenly zap.

You find you're married to a total stranger.

What? Don't talk to strangers.

But, Lord!

The Riverview deal is a tenement.

Yeah, but I didn't know that.

I mean, Tobin says it's a good deal, so a bunch of us go into it. We don't ask

any question. We just sign the papers, and that's that. Now, who knew that the

building was... Now you know, Walter.

Everything we stand for is going right down the drain. A black man is actually

standing outside our door picketing. I mean, I can't believe it. It must be...

It all seems like a dream.

Pinch me. Oh, come on. Hi, gang.

Hey, that's a heck of a new lawn decoration you got out there.

It's so much more... made it in those little colored jockeys.

I see you're here, Arthur. Where's the front end of the horse?

Arthur, don't be funny.

I didn't know I was buying into a slum building.

Oh, come on, Walter. You don't have to alibi to me.

I know you're trying to make a fast buck.

I'm aware of the fact that it's a dog -eat -dog world out there. And I'd love

feed you to a St. Bernard.

Hello? Yes, hello, Vivian.

Thank you, darling. Yes. Thank you for being the first one to bring me the ugly

news. I knew I could count on a friend.

Vivian says we're the talk of the supermarket, and the Riley's down the

are flying their flag at half -mast.

I'll call Tobin and see if he can get me out of this thing.

Don't be so hard on yourselves.

Maude, you don't understand these deals.

A man invests a tenement and pays taxes on the profits.

Now, those taxes are used to help tear down tenements and build new buildings,

which turn into tenements. And then the cycle starts all over again.

That's business.

Arthur Harmon.

You have just described the lowest, most despicable, most unsavory type of

businessman this country has.

You just described Walter.

Tobin's not in. I'll have to call him later.

I still think you people ought to take my advice and call the police.

After all, that's what they get paid for, to protect you slumlords.

Walter, there's only one thing to do. You have to go outside, talk to that

picket, and convince him to leave.

You're the convincing one. You talk to him. I'm too ashamed, Walter.

Look, Howard Hughes, maybe you'll understand it better if I put it in

terms. As long as that picket is outside the door, Walter, I wouldn't give you

two cents for your love life.

Was you calling me?

Yeah. I thought so, because I'm the only one out here.

Will you come in for a moment?

You ain't got a big dog, have you?

No. No dog.

There ain't gonna be no violence.

Of course not. I hate violence. I do, too.

Especially when I'm in an all -white neighborhood.

This is nice.

How many people live here?

Four. No, I mean in a whole house.

Four.

My name is Walter Findley. Yes, I know.

Mine's George Washington Carver Williams.

You were named after a great man.

No, I was named after my father.

He didn't amount to much at all.

Have a seat, Mr. Williams.

Here, there.

Right here. Oh, thank you.

Mr. Williams, can I be very direct with you? So long as you don't hit me.

I told you I hate violence. I know, but it bears repeating.

Mr. Williams, can we talk about 401 River Street specifically?

Now, what's wrong with that building?

Just two things. The inside and the outside.

Let me put it this way.

I saw your daughter drying off this morning at school in a Volkswagen with

top of your grandson's head.

The one thing is, we got one cockroach at 401 River Street that's bigger than

that Volkswagen.

Walter, I thought you might... Oh, I didn't know we had company.

Would you like some coffee, Mr. Pickett? Thank you.

Walter, I hope that you spoke to Mr. Williams and explained to him that it

really is all a terrible mistake and that in our hearts we are very much with

you and your people. I mean, did you explain that to him? Does he understand

Do you understand that? Oh, I understand that.

But you're slumlords.

Mr. Williams, you have to understand the way these things happen. Yeah.

You see...

In my income tax bracket... Yeah, well, she isn't all that high.

That's right.

That's right. It's not all that high. But it's hard in that aspects.

Maybe. That's possible. I think it is. Well, anyway... People in my

income tax bracket... It's our income tax bracket. Our income tax bracket, we

look for what is called...

A tax shelter. Tax shelter.

A tax shelter.

We invest money in what we call shelters. Shelters.

We call them tenements.

No.

No, you don't understand.

When I say shelter, I don't mean a building. He doesn't mean a building. I

mean a building, no.

I mean a way of using money. Yeah.

So that the government can't tax it. The government can't tax it. Oh, you're

talking about stealing.

No offense, ma 'am. I mean legal stealing.

We ain't got some black people doing it now.

That's progress.

that people like us get into. We get into these arrangements.

We never know what they are. We never know.

We never, never know. Do you know? We never know. I don't know. I mean, right

now, we don't.

We never know what they are. Never.

We never know.

We don't know what they are.

And we think we got problems.

I better be getting back to work.

Oh, but Mr. Williams. Mr. Williams.

You got some lovely plants here.

You know, if you talk real nice to them, they'll grow real special.

We can't grow no plants at our place.

The bugs get them.

But we talk to cockroaches, though.

And we get results that are staggered to imagination.

Tell them, Mr. Finley. Tell me why.

They got one roach there that's bigger than Carol's Volkswagen.

What are we going to do?

Go on upstairs, Philip. I'll be there in a minute.

Carol, what's the matter now? What is Philip doing home from school?

I had to bring him home, Mother, because thanks to your husband, I couldn't

leave him in school.

A six -year -old girl called him a fascist pig.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Even my own grandson is infected with

disease. Lord, please.

I feel bad enough as it is.

Mrs. Finley, I quit.

You quit?

Master Slumlord.

Your faithful old donkey is leaving the plantation.

Florida, Florida, they raised it up. Well, you know me better than that,

Florida. Do I look like a slumlord to you?

Well, that's hard to tell. You know the old saying.

Oh, you slumlords look alike.

Florida, let me explain. Look, Walter's accountant is taking care of it right

now. It'll all... be straightened out, I swear to you. Florida, please don't go

this way. Florida, please don't go.

What do you say now, Mr. Slumlord?

Why can't you be like other husbands and blow your money on broads?

Oh, Florida, I knew you couldn't leave me this way.

You came back?

No chance.

I just wasn't going to leave no African valet in this house.

to her. She found one that wasn't in the book.

That's exactly why I'm not sending Philip back to school, not until this

is settled.

Look, Carol, will you get off my back? We are doing everything humanly

Walter is at the accountant's right now. I have been on the phone all day with

the urban renewal office, and they tell me that you can't make a dent in fixing

up that building for under $100 ,000.

Why does the telephone ring when you're in trouble?

Hello, this is a recording.

When you hear the beep, leave your name and number and you will be called when I

return. You should live so long.

Beep.

Oh, Carol, I think I'm going to pieces.

Walter, what happened to the accountants? What did he say? Can we get

deal? What did he say? What did he say? I'll explain everything, but first Mr.

Williams wants to know if he can come in for a minute. Mr. Williams?

He wants to come in here?

I know. He's probably coming to tell us that he realizes he's made a mistake and

he's going to leave.

I mean, I think he's thought it over and in his heart he knows what kind of

people we really are.

Evening, Mrs. Finley.

Mr. Finley said it might be all right if I popped in here for a minute. Of

course. Come right in. Now tell me, what was it you wanted to talk to us about?

Would you mind if I use your facilities?

Realizes what kind of people we really are.

This way, Mr. Williams.

Walter Findlay, you tricked me.

You knew what it was he wanted.

No, I didn't.

Matter of fact, I thought he might be hungry. He was going to ask for

to eat. Oh, don't be ridiculous. I gave him a hot lunch at one o 'clock.

About the accountant, Walter.

Well, he found me a buyer.

But he's only offering me 60 cents on the dollar. It'll cost me $3 ,200 to

out.

$200? That thief!

That exploiter! That bloodsucker!

Walter, take the offer.

Maud, are you crazy?

I can't afford to throw away $3 ,200.

You can't afford not to, Walter. If my son is being called a fascist pig, you

can imagine what they're calling you.

She's right, Walter.

Wait a minute, Maud.

You're a slumlord, too, you know. Oh, come on. It's bad enough that I'm

to one.

We're both married to one.

The accountant said we signed a joint tenancy. Mother, did you put your name

that paper?

Well, how could I?

Walter, I never signed that Riverview deal.

Unless it was that night that you brought all those papers in in the blue

and we couldn't really talk about it because I was watching Marcus Welby and

was getting ready to operate on that prostitute with a benign tumor.

Oh, my God, I'm a slumlord, too.

Well, there you go.

half of you standing around with your head in the sand, while the other half

you pollutes the environment and impresses the poor.

Hmm.

How do you like your own words coming back to haunt you? I'm proud of Carol

telling me off, and in one minute I'm going to be proud of me for telling you

off. Well, now, that was a pleasant visitation.

You just can't imagine the pleasures of working with facilities that are really

working.

Now, Mr. Williams, before you go, Mr.

Findlay has something to tell you. No, I haven't. We have found a buyer for 401.

Not yet, Lord. Listen to me, Walter Findlay. Take the $3 ,200 loss.

$3 ,200?

That's a lot of money. You bet it is. So let's understand who we are in this

house. We live up to every debt we make, just like the rest of America.

Do you know what our real last name is?

Master Charge.

Walter and Lord Master Charge.

The point is that we're not rich.

$3 ,200 is a fortune.

A damn big fortune.

And I've worked too damn hard to lose it just like that. Man, I can't blame you.

Will you keep quiet with us?

We're a poacher in the neighborhood. You sure have a heck of a lot to say.

And as for you, Findley, I've heard your hard luck story. While I hate to kick a

man when he's down, I am offering you one agonizing choice.

You are either going to lose the $3 ,200 or me.

That might not be so agonizing.

God'll get you for that.

I wasn't thinking of you, ma 'am. I was relating my own situation with my own

wife.

Miserable.

Well, much obliged for the facilities.

Mort, I know you didn't mean what you just said.

You must be reading my mind. In which case, you don't realize the two pages

stuck together.

In between yesterday's I love you and tomorrow's I love you, there's one page

that says sell, Walter, or else there'll be no tomorrow.

Marty! Walter!

Listen, I was just talking to Mr. Williams out there.

He likes your bathroom.

Walter, your accountant called my accountant.

Evidently, you want to get out from under this thing.

I learned what a good investment you have there for $8 ,000.

Well, Arthur, if you think that the Riverview deal is a good investment...

you think it's a good investment.

Mort, please.

How about buying my end of the deal?

Walter, what a brilliant idea!

Mort, how would you like to go into the kitchen and make some coffee?

It won't work, Walter.

You have got a good deal there for $8 ,000.

But it is not a good idea to do business with friends.

Because when it comes to business, friendship goes out the window.

I know that, Arthur.

All right, I'll give you $5 ,500 for your end of the deal.

Arthur, come on.

Arthur, dear, I have some hors d 'oeuvres left over from last night, plus

extra special goodies I whipped up especially for you.

Marty, they look delicious.

How about a Swedish meatball?

Thank you.

How about a pig in the blanket?

Thank you.

How about $7 ,000?

Sorry, $5 ,500 is my final offer. If you thought it was a good deal at eight,

why won't you give us seven? Business is business, Marty.

Besides, I have to charge you something for moving expenses.

What moving expenses?

Well, if I buy it, that picket has to move from your door to my door. I'll get

it.

I'd rather see it rotting in the freezer.

Arthur.

Thank you, darling.

We're going to take your offer. No, we're not. I'd still be losing $2 ,500.

Or me.

Is that your choice, Walter?

Don't push your luck, Arthur.

And don't push yours either, Walter.

Don't push yours either, Mother. You signed that paper to... Oh, come on,

I may have signed the paper, but it was Walter who brought it home. Oh, you and

your husband signed a piece of paper. Neither one of you knows what you're

signing, but suddenly he's more to blame than you are.

Walter Carroll's right.

Sell the tenement to Arthur, and I'll personally make up the $2 ,500.

What? Where'd you get $2 ,500, Maud?

Household accounts.

You know us housewives. A little less red meat here.

Day -old bread. Cheating at Keno.

What?

In four years of marriage, I've saved $40.

$40. I'm talking about $2 ,500.

Walter, please don't nitpick about a lousy $2 ,460.

Sell.

You're crazy.

Everybody's crazy.

Hello?

It's the accountant.

What?

Sensational.

It's not the happiest news in the world, but it's almost the happiest news in

the world.

Okay, thanks, Mike.

Don't look like the cat who swallowed the telephone. Talk.

You found me a buyer.

$7 ,000.

Walter, you only lost $1 ,000. I'm so proud of you.

Don't say I didn't try to help you, Walter.

Do you mind if I say that, Arthur? You didn't try to help him.

All right, you people just don't understand. That's what's wrong with

simply don't understand the old F .E .S.

Free Enterprise System.

Honey, sweetie, I know you're awfully unhappy about that $1 ,000, but I swear

you, sweetheart, I'll make it up to you. I promise. I mean, tonight alone I'll

make it up to you.

news for you.

He's so happy he dropped his sign. He's running up the lawn.

Hi again.

Somebody here must know me better than I know myself.

Uh, what do you mean, Mr. Williams?

Wouldn't you call me in to offer me this facilities again?

Oh, no, but of course you can use them. Now, come in. I have wonderful news.

Mr. Findlay and I sold our end of 401.

We are no longer slumlords.

Is that so?

I'm gonna miss that nice white towel.

And that nice border on top of the yellow fishes.

Walter, how much cash do you have on you?

I don't know. Fifty, sixty dollars.

Mr. Williams, I know this isn't very much.

Especially when they said you couldn't fix the building up for less than a

hundred thou.

Still and all, you can't look at everything that way, young lady.

I might do some good with this money.

What a lovely thought.

Yeah.

We have nine then.

Well, goodbye, everybody.

And to you, nice plant, I hope you grow up to be as big as Volkswagen's tube.

I forgot my transistor radio on my four -inch Sony TV.

What's he doing in there?

He's in here because we just gave him some wonderful news, Florida.

We sold our end of 401.

We are no longer slumlords. That's right, Florida. And just to ease her

conscience, Mother gave Mr. Williams $60.

Carol, that's a rotten thing to say.

I gave him the money because the poor guy needed it. How would you like to

in his rat -infested, roach -encrusted environment?

Don't be silly, Maude.

What good can $60 do the people in that tenement?

Mr. Williams, why don't you just run it up in a crap game?

What a terrible thing to say.

I mean...

It shows what you know about black people.

Please accept my apology, Mr. Williams, and you too. You too, Florida.

I mean, one thing for sure, he's not going to use it to exploit the poor.

Mr. Williams? No, ma 'am. But to tell the truth, $60 ain't much for a poor

What I might do is take this money and put it on a worthy cause.

You see, Walter, Carol, he's smart.

Worthy cause is running at ten to one.

on the nose for me.

Fellas, I'm here to tell you that Maud's love and affection is really going to

work for you. Because last night, I can't tell you how it worked for me.

I mean, I grew and grew and this morning I feel ten...

I couldn't help overhearing you.

That was a lovely tribute.

Sweetheart, you really shouldn't talk that way in front of the begonias.

I mean, he's just a baby.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.