Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Please, Walter.

No, we're not through. We are. Finished art. Look. We have been arguing about it

since Wednesday night. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of it, too, and we've been

arguing about this since Tuesday night. Look, Walter, I distinctly remember that

it was Wednesday night when we began our present love -hate relationship.

But it was Tuesday night that you told me about this ridiculous plan of yours.

Then you served me a Mexican dinner because Lee Trevino had talked about it

TV, and since I was a golfer, you thought I'd like it.

Walter, the Mexican dinner was Wednesday night.

Tuesday, Maude, I know because I had gas all night.

Walter, don't you think I remember which night you had gas all night?

Now, please, I have to be down at the station house in less than an hour.

Well, maybe that's Jeff with the marijuana.

Maude, if that's your nephew, forget it.

You're not going to deliberately get yourself arrested for possession of

marijuana? Good cause or no good cause?

Thank you, Walter.

Remember what Shakespeare said?

How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a fink for a husband.

Fink? I'm no fink. These are union tomatoes.

How much?

75 cents a box.

Well, you forget the tomatoes, Maude. We're talking about you getting arrested

for possession of marijuana.

Look, you'll have to forgive my husband. He's himself this morning.

All right, go ahead and blame me. Just because a box boy at Fawley's

got himself busted on possession of marijuana charge, and you and your dandy

friends want to get yourself arrested on that same charge as a protest, I'm to

blame. Listen, are you sure the bottom ones aren't soft and mushy?

Mark, pay attention when I'm yelling at you. Look, Walter, 146 women from all

over the... state are going down to their local police stations to do

the same thing. Now, does that sound like just a bunch of my friends?

Gee, I don't know. The bottom ones feel mushy to me.

Okay, I'll ask your friend over there. Am I wrong in telling my wife that I

don't want to go to jail? Listen, you know darn well that they are not going

put a group of upper middle class housewives into jail.

Now, listen, I've been stuck before. You sure the bottom ones aren't mushy?

Lady, you gotta take your chances.

In that case, I'll take one box.

Fine. Which one?

Wait a minute.

Uh, which one? I'll take top of this box.

Mort!

Now, you listen to reason, Walter.

Harold Collins is 19 years old. Do you realize that he faces from three to

years in jail?

Walter. This is something I have to do.

Okay, look, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you a check for $400 to help pay for the kid's lawyer, and we'll

forget this getting arrested thing, okay?

Oh, Walter.

Honey, that's awfully sweet of you, but it's really not necessary.

Oh, thank you. You already gave $500.

And listen, darling, I'm terribly sorry I'm so edgy, but I'm exhausted.

I was so nervous about this morning that I didn't sleep a wink last night. Well,

why don't you take something, like a couple of secondals? We're out of

secondals, but I did take two chlorohydrates and a Librium, and they

work.

Well, I took two Miltan and a Doradim. I slept like a lamb. And snored like a

moose.

Now, I should have taken two mepperbromates with a Nembutol instead

chlorohydrates with a Librium.

Philip! Cold knockwurst for breakfast?

How can you put that junk inside you?

Listen, sweetheart.

Would you like Grandma Maud to make you a nice little omelet? No. Thank God if I

had to cook this time of the month.

Look, sweetheart, it's really time to go to school.

Come on, dear.

So long, Philip.

Now, how about me, Maud?

Where's my breakfast?

I don't have time to fix you your breakfast. Here, have some cold

Knockwurst for breakfast? With a diet like this, I could get scurvy.

Here's a lime.

Oh, I hope that's Jeff with the marijuana. He knows I've been waiting

There's not that much. I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, Jeff.

I am on.

Oh, oh, you've got... You're in time, Jeff.

I knew I could count on you. That's why you've always been my favorite nephew.

I don't have the pot.

You're a loser, Jeff.

You've always been a loser, Jeff.

Jeff, where is it? Where is it, Jeff?

It's really scarce, Hamad. There was a big senior prom last night.

Oh.

Listen, Jeff. Go out on the streets.

Hang around playgrounds.

Jeff, don't come back. without the marijuana.

My luck. I have to have an aunt who's a head.

Walter, Jeff... A head of what?

Walter?

Walter, Jeff blew it. He blew it. He didn't bring the marijuana. What am I

to do? All the girls were expecting me to supply the stuff.

Oh, Lorraine. I'm so nervous, Maude. Hello, Walter.

I guess that you and the girls are all ready to go. We couldn't be readier.

Shirley and Francis have already left in Rita's station wagon. Sue Jane, Sally,

Joyce, you and I are going to go in my Volkswagen.

Well, that should be a fun ride, Maude.

Listen, Lorraine, look.

Why don't you go on ahead, and I'll meet the rest of you girls down at the

station. Well, if there's nothing wrong, is there? You do have the pot, don't

you? Do I have the pot?

Walter, she wants to know if I have the pot.

Tell her, Mort.

Uh, Lorraine, you go on without me. Well, I thought we'd go together.

Well, no, I think it's wise that we split up. You know, in case you have a

accident, at least one of us can get through.

What do you think of everything?

Walter,

Walter, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? You tried and you failed

and you can't do any better than that. Now look, I'm sure the kid's going to be

all right.

What are his parents doing about this? Oh, come on, Walter. He's not some rich

kid whose parents can buy his way out of it. He's a poor kid who supports

himself working in a supermarket.

I've got to get the marijuana. I refuse to give up. Good morning.

Oh, Carol.

Carol, honey, I have a big favor to ask of you. Mother, please spare me.

It's bad enough I had to listen to you and Walter argue all night.

We were not arguing. I just had to speak very loud because Walter was trying to

sleep.

Well, anyway, I feel awful. Because of you, I ended up taking a Valium,

something I never do.

Oh, honey, you should have tried a couple of Doradins.

You should have tried a couple of earplugs.

I just wonder what I'm going to do all day at work.

Oh, honey, why didn't you tell me I have just the thing for you? That's what

mommies are for.

Here, sweetheart.

Take a Ritalin.

It'll pick you up like that.

Now then, I did you a favor.

You do me a favor.

Honey, I've got to have some marijuana.

Now, please, Carol.

Call one of your weird friends.

Mother, I would love to help you, but at the moment, I don't know anyone who

smokes grass.

You raise a daughter and what happens?

She turns out to be a woman.

Now, she is a member of the family, aren't you, Florida?

So far, nobody ever noticed much of a family resemblance.

Listen, Florida, I have to confide in you.

I need some marijuana.

I'm sorry, Ms. Finley. I hate to disappoint you, but on my salary, I'm a

Pepper girl.

I was going to say she couldn't help you. Carol, please.

Florida is black. Now, don't tell me she doesn't know any musicians.

Oh, hey, you know, Maud, with a little sauerkraut, knockwurst ain't bad for

breakfast.

Good morning, all.

Well, the good doctor.

Now, Marty, be kind.

I'm not a well man.

Last night I attended a seminar on preventive medicine.

I've got a hell of a hangover.

Arthur, as long as you're here.

Maud ran out of second holds, and I could use some Miltown and some Librium.

Well, all right, Walter.

I have to remind you again that we do not approve of people consuming

which could have a deleterious effect on their health.

Make me a Bloody Mary. I think I'm dying.

Arthur, if you don't feel well, I am sincerely sorry.

Now, I really mean that, Arthur.

You didn't get the marijuana, right?

Too bad, Marty, it looks like you don't have a pot to protest in.

Listen, Arthur, Arthur, I desperately need your help.

Ah, you're not going to drag me to this ludicrous scheme.

Arthur, listen, you know darn well they are not going to put 146 wives of

prominent businessmen into jail.

And with all the bad publicity, they are not going to put Harold Collins into

jail. Why not?

He had a quarter of an ounce of marijuana.

That's a felony.

Any sensible kid would have had a couple of joints in his pocket.

That's a misdemeanor, and the most he could get would be a year in jail. You

know, that remark makes just about as much sense as the ridiculous marijuana

law, which I am against because it is too severe.

Arthur, the punishment does not fit the crime.

It's terrible to think of all the kids using artificial stimulants like

marijuana to solve all their problems.

This could use a little more budget.

Arthur, the American Bar Association, the President's Commission, even your

organization... Civilization, the AMA, all say the laws are too severe.

What's that got to do with it?

I'm talking about morality.

You start these young kids off on pot, indiscriminate sex, running off to

to avoid the draft, you know what it leads to?

You know what it leads to?

Well, I'll tell you what it leads to.

Jane Fonda.

Arthur, if that's what it takes to get a Jane Fonda,

My father once played Abraham Lincoln.

What's this great romance you have going with marijuana?

Oh, look, Arthur, I smoke as much grass as you do. None.

Arthur, you've got some nerve. You're condemning Harold Collins while you're

standing here dispensing drugs like they're going out of style. And on top

it, you're hungover from drinking.

But I did not deliberately set out to get high. There's a very great

between myself and Harold Collins.

Well, I've got to get to the hospital. Thanks for the drink.

Look at that, shaking like a leaf.

Lucky for me, I don't have to operate today.

Lucky for him?

Can you believe it? It's lucky for everybody.

Excuse me, Mrs. Finley, but a friend of your nephew's left this at the back

door. He says you owe him $20.

Walter, give her the money.

Oh, Florida.

Florida, there is a pot fairy after all.

What fairy?

Funny. The kid looked normal to me.

So that's marijuana.

Looks just like oregano, doesn't it?

Wonder what it smells like. Doesn't smell like much of anything till you

it.

Don't know anybody who uses pot, huh?

Walter, what are you doing with my marijuana?

Your marijuana?

Didn't I just pay $20 for it? Oh, come on, Walter. What does that have to do

with it? If I paid for it, it's mine.

Now, look, Walter, don't do this to me. Give me my marijuana and I'll give you

the money. I don't want your $20, Walter. Walter, I am not talking about

Here is two cents, which, believe me, is all your life will be worth if you

don't give me my money.

Now, look, Walter, all those women are depending on me. Harold Collins is

depending on me. Now, give me the pot.

Maud, you walk into that police station with that bag of marijuana, and if they

throw anyone in jail, it'll be you.

Walter, name me one housewife they ever threw into jail.

Lizzie Borden.

Lizzie Borden never married.

No, but she was going with somebody.

Maud, I'm not giving you my permission to go through with this. Walter.

Permission? Did you say your permission?

I'm your husband, Maude. And I'm your wife, Walter.

But if you remember our marriage vows, they were love, honor, and cherish, not

love, honor, and obey, because it is very wrong for one human being to have

obey another human being. Now do what I tell you and give me the pie!

Not as long as you're my wife, Maude. The rights of the individual stop! when

affects the marriage.

Walter, I am me.

And I was me long before I became Mrs. You.

You don't own me.

Okay, Maude.

Have it your way.

Hey, you see this? You know what's in here?

The name and telephone number of a very attractive little chick that works for

me down at the store. She's crazy about me. She keeps telling me how cute my

bald spot is.

are you going to do? I'm going to just give her a call and ask her to spend the

weekend with me in Atlantic City.

Walter, are you crazy?

Mort, I'm doing this strictly as an individual, so it shouldn't affect our

marriage, should it?

Now listen, Walter, look.

Walter, please put the phone down.

Because, Walter, if you don't put the phone down, the next call you make will

dial a prayer.

Now, Maude, you be reasonable. You're going to spend this weekend in jail

anyway. Look, put the phone down, Walter.

Look, maybe Arlene and I will stop by on the way home and visit you in jail. Oh.

Hello, baby. Wally.

Wally? Yeah. How about this weekend in Atlantic City?

Walter, are you out of your mind?

Do you realize you just ruined my weekend?

The only thing you can do to make me forgive you for this is to give me the

So the rights of the individual do stop when it affects the marriage.

Okay, Walter.

You win.

You've made your point. I see there's nothing I can do.

You keep the pot.

What happened to the phone?

Oh, you know, Maud, always redecorating.

It was an accident.

She wanted to tear the wall out of the house.

Boy, that woman is something else. What are you talking about?

Your mother, she just came into the kitchen, grabbed some oregano, and said,

Florida, to hell with it. I'm going to jail.

And she sailed out of there.

Oregano? She took oregano to the police station?

Well, maybe she thinks the way I cook Italian food is a crime.

and invited me to spend the weekend with him at last.

She's coming! She's coming!

She'll be here in a second. She's got the pot with her. You'll be able to

us all in a minute.

Thanks. I can't tell you what a thrill it is for me to be able to break the

of organized crime.

Now, would you mind moving to the other part of the room? We've got to clear

this aisle. No!

Sergeant. Lady, you've heard of police brutality?

We're animals when we're unleashed.

All right. Go on, girls. Please.

We shall overcome!

We shall overcome!

I have the pot right here. But listen, why don't you all stay up here and let

talk to that gentleman. Maybe I can make some kind of a...

rather than have to give each of us her own part of money.

But are you the man I report to?

Yes, ma 'am. All right, well, here, I have enough pot to arrest myself and my

friends for possessing more than a quarter of an ounce. I know, I know.

Well, fine, then print us, mug us, book us, and beat us up.

Lady, we need the evidence as far as beating you up goes.

One on one, I think we'd lose.

Ladies, listen, come on, we're going to be arrested.

Get back, get back.

Okay, lady, you win. I'll take you first.

Name, please.

Maude Findlay.

Married? At the moment, barely.

Age?

Lady, how old are you?

Look. Officer, if there's a law that requires a woman to tell her age, I'm

to protest that, too.

Now, get on with it. Okay, I'll just put down how old I think you look.

47, and I just saved your life.

Maud, Maud, he wants to take a picture of you getting arrested. Wait a minute,

that's against regulations. Come on, smile, Sergeant. Try to look pleasant.

Think of it as one small step for mankind.

Okay, lady, I got your picture.

Now give me the marijuana or no arrests and that's final.

Okay.

No need to do that. I mean, if you've seen one bag of marijuana, you've seen

them all.

Wait a minute, lady. That don't look like marijuana.

All right, I'll give you one more look.

I didn't get a good look, but I got a good smell.

That's oregano.

It's amazing how many people who don't know the real stuff think that.

Lady, I'm Italian.

I've been on oregano all my life.

I knew you were Italian. You remind me of some famous person. I can't remember

who. Mrs. Finley, there's no Italian celebrity that's going to flatter me.

The Pope.

Oh, forget it. There's nothing on the Pope. about smoking oregano.

Now listen, Sergeant, come closer.

What's your name, honey?

Lazario, Sergeant Joseph Lazario.

Tell me, Joey, do you have any children?

Yeah, two.

Who might at any moment be thrown into jail for smoking pot?

Lady, my youngest one turns on by playing with her toes. She's two.

Please, think of this as marijuana, Joey, for your children's future and for

sake of a sweet kid named Harold Collins.

Lady, have a heart. I'm exhausted.

Why didn't you tell me, you silly?

I have just the thing for you. Here, take one of these. You'll feel better

away. What is it?

Dexamil. Go on, take it. In police parlance, it's an upper. I know what it

No, no, lady.

I want to arrest you, but I can't, honestly.

Now, look, Joey, I have had a very rough day.

I had the real pot.

The real pot. I had it, but after three days of fighting with my husband and no

sleep and taking abuse from my next -door neighbor, my husband took it away

me just 20 minutes ago.

Now, look, Joey, I've had it up to here. All over the state, 146 women are being

mugged and fingerprinted.

Now, Joey, if you don't arrest me and my friends, may the Lord have mercy on

your police station, because you are going to have eight screaming middle

women pulling a sit -in stark naked.

Tom!

Tom, save us all.

Go down a block and buy this lady some grass.

That's right, lady. We know where it is. We just don't have time rounding it all

up. But don't worry. I'm going to arrest you, okay?

We are definitely going to be arrested.

Lorraine, Lorraine, please. We already overcame.

Hold it, hold it.

Just got orders from upstairs.

Everybody go home.

Sergeant, I don't understand.

There's nothing to understand. Just go home, please.

But Sergeant, in a minute I'm going to have the real stuff.

Lady, I just got the word. We ain't arresting no housewives from New York

today. Oh, now look, you're not going to get rid of us that easy.

Now look, lady, it don't make a difference now. Go home, will you?

Sergeant. Lady, go home.

Sergeant, what happened to the Collins kid?

Judge gave him three years.

Three years?

Now, Mrs. Finley, if I ever got into any trouble, I'd want you on my side.

And Lorraine, be sure to remind everyone to bring our own picket sign.

What? What's going on? Oh, honey, I have a million and one things on my mind,

and I have to be in Albany by four o 'clock.

You already organized a trip to Albany? And this time, Walter, we cannot fail.

Honey, we have a thousand women from all over the state who are going to picket

in front of the governor's mansion.

We got 80 women from just around here. We chartered a bus, and I have to go or

I'll miss it. Walt, you are sensational.

Is there anything that I can do to help? Oh, honey, don't be silly. You've done

more than enough. You rented the bus.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.