Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc put the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Carol, your mother must have saved everything from kindergarten through

We're going to be up to our eyeballs in nostalgia tonight. Listen to this,

Walter. It's from Mother's High School Yearbook.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Maude with a baby carriage.

There must be in every yearbook that was ever written. I finally found the pom

-poms. And you know where they were? Up in the attic in a box marked Christmas

decoration.

Ford, you'll never believe what Carol found in your high school yearbook. This

kid must have been a real fortune teller.

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes love, and another marriage.

Then comes love, and another marriage.

Then comes love, and another marriage.

Easy, Finley, or the next box in the attic will be Mark Walter.

Look what you... You have all that stuff spread out. Bunny's going to be here

any minute now, and the place is a wreck.

Mother, why did you keep all this junk?

Junk? Oh, Carol, be kind.

Honey, there's a big chunk of my life kicking around in there.

No, I just thought Bunny would get a kick out of it. After all, we were

for four years in high school and two years in college.

Golly, do you realize I haven't seen her in over 25 years?

Mort, who was Roger?

Roger? Roger who?

You don't remember Roger? And he wrote, I think you're grand. I think you're

mighty. I want my pajamas next to your nightie.

That... Roger.

Oh, Walter, I'll never forget him. A sweet boy, absolutely insane about me.

But how come he added, don't get excited, don't get misled? I mean on the

clothesline, not on your bed.

Because he was also a fink.

Were you really a cheerleader?

Carol, are you kidding? I was the captain.

Hey, come on, Ward.

Let's have one of your college cheers. Oh, come on. I haven't done one in a

hundred years.

I remember when the W covered my entire chest.

You've got room enough now to spell out Massachusetts Institute of Technology.

Thank you, Walter. And I'll remember that little remark the next time you

me at three in the morning with one of your simple yes or no questions.

One of your cheers. Oh, come on, Carol.

Come on.

I don't even remember where the feet go. Come on, we'd love to see it. Come on,

Lord. I'm really ready.

Right on. Oh,

I can't.

Oh, come on, Lord.

And... Go, team, go.

Marching down the field.

No, no, no.

We will never yield. Come on and cheer, cheer, cheer.

is winning today. Rock, rock, rock!

Oh,

that was great.

Well, thank you, Maude. But we better not ever do a cheer together or you're

going to need earthquake insurance.

Oh, see you all tomorrow.

I've got your college yearbook here, but I can't find Bunny.

Oh, well, honey, her real name is Phyllis. Phyllis Nash.

We just called her Bunny because of an overbite.

She was also called Mousy.

But she was a lovely, gentle girl with a marvelous personality and a beautiful,

beautiful soul. A real dog, huh? Like you wouldn't believe.

Here she is. Here she is.

What's she doing now?

Oh, I don't know. On the phone, she said something about being with Avon.

You mean ding -dong? Selling door -to -door? Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, I'm so excited. Bunny Nash after all these years.

Lord, what do we call her? Bunny or Mousy?

Don't you dare call her Mousy. It's all right to call her Bunny because she

never knew why we called her that.

But I really want you to be careful what you say. She's a very sensitive girl

and cries easily, especially at certain times of the month.

While I'm thinking of it, I'd better hide that PTA Mother of the Year Award.

Seeing that'll be like rubbing salt into an open wound.

Why?

Why shouldn't she see a Mother of the Year Award that's 20 years old?

Carol, that's just what I mean about being sensitive.

Honey, Phyllis never married.

She's totally alone.

I mean, she's had a rough enough time of it, she's not going to get hurt in her

old buddy Maud's house.

Here, here.

No jokes.

Take all this stuff into the den, and listen, both of you, be very careful

you say. I mean, no matter what she looks like, Phyllis was very important

me.

Maude.

Phyllis?

Fixed. And that isn't all you had fixed.

You're beautiful. Oh, no, Mother, you.

You are beautiful. Oh, come on, Philip.

Look at you. Honey, you're gorgeous.

Oh, no, really, Mother, really. You are a striking woman.

Well, thank you, Phyllis.

But you, I mean, you're... You are stunning.

How could we ever have called you...

Mousy? Well, I guess I was a little mousy way back then, but Maude, how

have ever called you chunky?

Maybe I was a little chunky for a while back then.

I want you to meet my family. Walter, Carol, this is Phyllis. Hello, Carol.

This is Phyllis?

Walter, we've already done that.

Five years, you're actually here.

Oh, Maude. Oh, I can hardly believe it myself.

Oh, Maude, I hope you're going to forgive me, darling, but I can only stay

short time.

Oh. No, I have an appointment in town, and I'm due in Boston this evening.

What's in Boston?

Oh, it's nothing. It's something that came up at the very last minute.

Oh, Mother thought you were... Aren't you an Avon lady?

Well, I suppose I am in a way, but I happen to be one of the vice presidents.

Funny. You mean...

You're a vice president of the company?

Oh, Maude, I have been for the past seven years. Oh, Maude.

I've been called Bunny for 20 years.

Oh, Maude.

How the hell with Boston?

Listen, I can let that wait. Invite me to dinner and I'll stay over. Oh,

wonderful, wonderful.

We have so much catching up to do. Let's see. I am dying to find out what it's

like to be vice president of Avon.

Oh, it's fantastic.

I just love every minute of it. I mean, there's the old gang to talk about. Oh,

do you find you're discriminated against because you're a woman? You know, I

often hear from May and Flo.

Oh, well, any company that's with it today, Carol, accepts you for what you

You know, May moved to Ashtabula. No, no, Phyllis. Most corporations are still

discriminating against women. Oh, but more and more companies are coming

Carol. Yeah, but I often wonder about when. Listen, I could do it. A bright

young woman like you can do it. You know, after... Fred was arrested for

embezzling, I heard Gwen took to the street.

In the corporation I work for, there is only one woman in a major executive

capacity. And later she turned into an axe murderer.

Isn't that nice?

Oh, while I remember, I have to call the airport.

May I use your phone?

I must have that number here somewhere.

Oh, look what I just found.

Incidentally, Carol, I love that dress.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, Operation C.

Yes, this is Phyllis Nash.

Yes, listen, could you hanger my plane for me?

Yes, I have to postpone my trip until nine tomorrow morning. All right? Thank

you.

You have your own plane, Phyllis? Well, actually, it's the company plane.

But you fly it yourself?

Well, there's a company pilot, but I enjoy taking over the controls.

Oh, Maude, what's this?

It's nothing, dear. It's probably some old award I've won.

Oh, Maude, the Tuckahoe Parent Teachers Association.

Mother of the Year, 1951.

Oh, isn't that adorable?

It really is quite an honor, Phil. You know, they only give them out every

Isn't that nice?

Well, now, listen, I have to be running along now to my appointment. Now, I'm to

be back here at 7 -7, okay?

Oh, thank you.

Oh, Maude, isn't life full of surprises?

Here you end up.

Mother of the year. And I bet half the senior class thought she'd be the first

woman president.

I'll see you later.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye.

Now, look, in this country, anybody can become president, but how many

presidents can be mother of the year?

Poor Mousy.

Poor Mousy? Maud, that's mighty Mousy.

I want to thank both of you for being so sweet to Phil. I mean, for making her

feel so wanted, for building her up.

Mother, what are you talking about? That woman doesn't need building up. She's

got everything she could possibly want.

You bet she has. She's got the world by the tail, Maude.

Neither one of you can see one -eighth of an inch below the surface, can you?

Sure, Phil may have a marvelous job and fly her own plane and make her own

decisions, but...

Oh, underneath all that bull, and believe me, that's exactly what it is.

Phyllis is a very unhappy, unfulfilled lady, trapped in a plastic world,

and you have the insensitivity to say that she has the world by the tail?

She's miserable!

Oh, Bunny.

Bunny, what have I done with my life?

So the upshot of the thing was he didn't have a kidney stone. But that didn't

stop the jokes because the poor guy's name was Stone. See, Benjamin Stone.

Kidney Stone.

That's fascinating, Dr.

Hart.

Funny, too, Arthur.

Right up there with your other jokes.

Thank you, Carol.

You know, they're always accusing doctors of talking shop. I got to stop

shop. I realize it was a funny joke, but I got to stop talking shop.

How about you, Miss Nash? I understand you're with Avon.

I imagine you have quite a high rate of varicose veins in that business.

Mort, Mort, we have guests. We both shouldn't be in here. We were talking

Phyllis, and I'm very interested in your reaction. I mean, to the career woman

thing. I assume you're fairly interested.

Well, it's not uninteresting. More interesting than the wife and motherhood

thing? Mort, I don't even know how to compare this. Don't you lie to me,

I see the natural male interest in the unknown, the untamed, the

But let me tell you something, Walter Finley, that sometimes you'll find more

pure passion and more hot blood in the known and the tamed and the

And have you any idea what I'm talking about?

No. Neither do I.

Now, please, get out of here while I'm working in the kitchen.

Maude, why are you so troubled about Phyllis?

Because she's my friend, Walter.

And her life is so empty.

I mean, if you had a friend whose life was empty, wouldn't you try to fill it

up? No.

Because what can you fill it up with except your own life?

That means when you fill hers, yours is empty.

That's a lovely philosophy.

Is there any more to that?

Yes, I was also going to say... Okay!

Coffee, everybody.

Marty, this is quite a little friend you've got here. Have you heard her

schedule? Tomorrow she has to be in Boston, and then New Orleans, and the

after that she has to be in Paris.

Paris? Oh, poor dear Phyllis, always, always on the go.

Honey, why don't you talk them into giving you a nice, quiet desk job where

can get to meet somebody and maybe settle down?

Maude. A desk job and meeting someone and settling down are three ingredients

that tend to make me throw up.

Touché, Mother. Yeah, touché yourself.

Honey, why don't you go upstairs and wake up Philip?

I'd love Phyllis to see how cute he is when his eyes are all fuzzy -wuzzy.

Because, Mother, she already saw him. She was upstairs with me when I put him

bed. Oh, sure, I even did the slither -ga -dee for him.

The slither -ga -dee? What's that?

Oh, don't you know that? The Slithergadee is an old poem. Oh, it goes

like this. Phyllis, Phyllis, honey, I'm sorry, but with all due respect, in

order to do the Slithergadee properly, you have to know something about

children, which is where being a mother and a grandmother come in handy. Now,

first of all, you have to find a doorway, and you stand in it like this,

And then it goes, The Slithergadee came out of the sea.

And it caught everybody, but it didn't catch me. You didn't catch me,

you old slithergundy.

You caught everybody, but you'll never catch me.

Oh,

Lord, Lord, that was wonderful.

How come I never heard you do that before?

Well, because right after you say your prayers, you like me to sing you to

sleep.

Anyway, Phil, now you know how the slither -ga -dee goes.

Yes, indeed, and that is exactly the way I did it.

You know, Ma, there are some things even an Avon girl can learn without being a

mother and a grandmother. Now, come on, Philip. Arthur!

Yeah? Why don't we go over to your house and shoot some pool and give Philip and

Maude a chance to reminisce?

Don't care about me.

When they said they needed an extra man, I didn't know it was going to be for

Waller.

Hey, sweetie.

See you later, girl. Wait a minute. I haven't got a pool table. Come.

Brandy, Phil?

Well,

ladies, I'm sure you'd like to be alone.

Phyllis, I loved meeting you.

Oh, the feeling is mutual, Carol, and I'll see that it happens again and soon.

Good. I'll look forward to it. Good night, Mother.

Night, honey.

She's a wonderful girl, Maude. She's really got it all together.

All except a man.

What's so important about a man? Oh, come on, Phil. Get off it. We're alone

What is a woman without a man?

Hey, remember that question in Hasler's class, Philosophy of Logic I?

Does a tree make a sound in the forest when it falls unless there's an ear to

hear it?

Maude, are you trying to say that a woman needs a man to prove her

In a way.

Oh, come on now, Maude.

Sweetheart.

I don't buy it. Even if I did, I've got them in all shapes and sizes, from the

53 -year -old head of a $2 billion conglomerate to a 28 -year -old beach

Oh, come on now. Phil, you know we're not talking about that.

We're talking about one man.

One man to love.

and to cherish, and to take care of, will take care of you. Did you say 28

years?

To old friends.

To old friends.

To you, Chunky.

To you, Mousy.

Oh, that still hurts.

Yeah, well, Chunky isn't exactly a pick -me -up.

Oh, Lord, we were young then.

Okay, Phil.

Here's our high school yearbook.

Remember Gloria Forelli? Oh, beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, magnificent

nose, absolutely no chin.

See what she wrote?

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Maude with a baby carriage.

Very original.

Listen, these old chestnuts still make a point.

First comes love, then comes marriage.

Come on, Maude, turn the page.

Did I say something wrong, Phil?

Yes, by insinuation.

Oh, come on. If I say something wrong, I say it straight out and flat out and

never by insinuation.

Besides, I never say anything wrong because I happen to be a perfect person.

Come on now, Maude.

Ever since I walked in here, you have bombarded me with your wonderful home,

your wonderful marriage, your wonderful daughter, your wonderful et cetera.

Because I have a wonderful home and a wonderful marriage and a wonderful

daughter and a wonderful et cetera. And while we're at it, where do you get off

bombarding me all evening with your wonderful job and your wonderful plane

your wonderful sense of freedom?

anything about a wonderful sense of freedom.

All right. Maybe you didn't say anything about a wonderful sense of freedom.

Maybe somebody else said something about a wonderful sense of freedom. Maybe I

said something about a wonderful sense of freedom.

Phyllis, why do you resent my happiness?

Maud, is that what you think? Oh, come on, honey. It's as plain as the caps on

your teeth.

Maud, is... since we were in high school, even in college, you majored in

feeling sorry for me. Here it is, 25 years later, I am a smashing success and

you're still feeling sorry for me.

You make it sound like I'm limping through life under some burden of

freedom while you're marching to glory with a can of Drano and a Johnny Mop.

You know, you were more beautiful when we called you Mousy.

Don't look now, Maude, but your schoolgirl dreams are showing. You're

your heart out because Bunny Nash is leading the life you could have had.

have had is right.

You said yourself half the senior class thought I'd be the first woman

president. But you chose not to run. I'll tell you something better than

You know, in a way, Maude, I owe my career to you. I mean, every time

big came up, I'd say to myself, now, what would Maude do in this situation?

And then I'd do it.

Really, Phil?

Really, Maude.

So don't blame me because you turned it down.

You know something else? I would turn it down again, Phil, for just what I have

now. Roots. And don't think I didn't work like hell for them.

I hit three lemons before I hit the jackpot.

But I

hit the jackpot, Phil. I hit the jackpot I always wanted.

Do you know what that means?

No. Do you know what that means?

That means that I'm 47 years old and all I have to show for it is a hokey plaque

that says I'm some kind of a mother.

Oh, Maude, please think.

Don't start crying or you'll have me crying too.

Maude.

What each of us has been trying to do is justify her own life. But why should I

have to justify my life? Phil, I love my life. Maude, I love mine. I really do.

You mean that you... You wouldn't trade your life for mine?

No way.

Maude, would you trade yours for mine?

Not a chance.

Except I have to admit that I hear about your career and your romances and,

well, the thought does split across my mind.

How about you?

Oh, well, sometimes when I look at a wonderful, nice man like Walter, I think

maybe.

Do you really mean that?

Oh, maybe.

Oh, let's face it, Maude.

No matter what you get in life, you can't have it all.

Well, to the next episode of Bunny and Maude.

Only if I can have the Kleenex concession.

Phil, I have a confession.

Yeah? I want it all.

So do I, Maude.

So do I.

Oh, hi, Maude.

Has Bunny gone back to her hotel room yet? Yep.

And I want to tell you something, Walden.

Bunny may be beautiful and successful, but if you think I'm unhappy that I'm

in that hotel room, you're dead wrong.

I wasn't thinking that. I was thinking how unhappy I am I'm not in that hotel

room.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.