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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,910 --> 00:00:07,890 Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. 2 00:00:08,130 --> 00:00:11,070 She didn't care if the whole world looked. 3 00:00:11,630 --> 00:00:14,830 Joan of Arc put the Lord to guide her. 4 00:00:15,050 --> 00:00:17,350 She was a sister who really could. 5 00:00:18,730 --> 00:00:23,750 Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up? 6 00:00:24,370 --> 00:00:27,690 The country was falling apart. 7 00:00:28,010 --> 00:00:30,390 Betsy Ross got it all sewed up. 8 00:00:49,859 --> 00:00:53,700 Carol, your mother must have saved everything from kindergarten through 9 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:57,800 We're going to be up to our eyeballs in nostalgia tonight. Listen to this, 10 00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,300 Walter. It's from Mother's High School Yearbook. 11 00:00:59,770 --> 00:01:04,030 First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Maude with a baby carriage. 12 00:01:04,650 --> 00:01:08,370 There must be in every yearbook that was ever written. I finally found the pom 13 00:01:08,370 --> 00:01:11,710 -poms. And you know where they were? Up in the attic in a box marked Christmas 14 00:01:11,710 --> 00:01:12,710 decoration. 15 00:01:14,130 --> 00:01:17,790 Ford, you'll never believe what Carol found in your high school yearbook. This 16 00:01:17,790 --> 00:01:19,490 kid must have been a real fortune teller. 17 00:01:19,870 --> 00:01:25,590 First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes love, and another marriage. 18 00:01:27,020 --> 00:01:29,080 Then comes love, and another marriage. 19 00:01:29,380 --> 00:01:31,800 Then comes love, and another marriage. 20 00:01:33,360 --> 00:01:36,680 Easy, Finley, or the next box in the attic will be Mark Walter. 21 00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:45,040 Look what you... You have all that stuff spread out. Bunny's going to be here 22 00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:46,760 any minute now, and the place is a wreck. 23 00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:48,440 Mother, why did you keep all this junk? 24 00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,100 Junk? Oh, Carol, be kind. 25 00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:54,480 Honey, there's a big chunk of my life kicking around in there. 26 00:01:54,700 --> 00:01:58,320 No, I just thought Bunny would get a kick out of it. After all, we were 27 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:00,900 for four years in high school and two years in college. 28 00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:05,100 Golly, do you realize I haven't seen her in over 25 years? 29 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:06,620 Mort, who was Roger? 30 00:02:06,980 --> 00:02:07,980 Roger? Roger who? 31 00:02:08,440 --> 00:02:13,500 You don't remember Roger? And he wrote, I think you're grand. I think you're 32 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,960 mighty. I want my pajamas next to your nightie. 33 00:02:18,720 --> 00:02:19,720 That... Roger. 34 00:02:19,970 --> 00:02:24,630 Oh, Walter, I'll never forget him. A sweet boy, absolutely insane about me. 35 00:02:24,830 --> 00:02:29,030 But how come he added, don't get excited, don't get misled? I mean on the 36 00:02:29,030 --> 00:02:30,250 clothesline, not on your bed. 37 00:02:32,430 --> 00:02:34,190 Because he was also a fink. 38 00:02:35,710 --> 00:02:37,330 Were you really a cheerleader? 39 00:02:37,810 --> 00:02:40,170 Carol, are you kidding? I was the captain. 40 00:02:41,790 --> 00:02:42,810 Hey, come on, Ward. 41 00:02:43,110 --> 00:02:46,170 Let's have one of your college cheers. Oh, come on. I haven't done one in a 42 00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,170 hundred years. 43 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:51,220 I remember when the W covered my entire chest. 44 00:02:55,980 --> 00:03:00,080 You've got room enough now to spell out Massachusetts Institute of Technology. 45 00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:08,040 Thank you, Walter. And I'll remember that little remark the next time you 46 00:03:08,040 --> 00:03:11,160 me at three in the morning with one of your simple yes or no questions. 47 00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:22,740 One of your cheers. Oh, come on, Carol. 48 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,099 Come on. 49 00:03:24,100 --> 00:03:30,880 I don't even remember where the feet go. Come on, we'd love to see it. Come on, 50 00:03:30,880 --> 00:03:31,739 Lord. I'm really ready. 51 00:03:31,740 --> 00:03:32,740 Right on. Oh, 52 00:03:33,940 --> 00:03:34,579 I can't. 53 00:03:34,580 --> 00:03:35,700 Oh, come on, Lord. 54 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,920 And... Go, team, go. 55 00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,100 Marching down the field. 56 00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:45,720 No, no, no. 57 00:03:46,140 --> 00:03:49,420 We will never yield. Come on and cheer, cheer, cheer. 58 00:03:52,620 --> 00:03:55,480 is winning today. Rock, rock, rock! 59 00:04:34,359 --> 00:04:35,359 Oh, 60 00:04:43,940 --> 00:04:45,040 that was great. 61 00:04:45,440 --> 00:04:49,700 Well, thank you, Maude. But we better not ever do a cheer together or you're 62 00:04:49,700 --> 00:04:51,420 going to need earthquake insurance. 63 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:55,080 Oh, see you all tomorrow. 64 00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,620 I've got your college yearbook here, but I can't find Bunny. 65 00:05:01,840 --> 00:05:04,560 Oh, well, honey, her real name is Phyllis. Phyllis Nash. 66 00:05:04,920 --> 00:05:07,280 We just called her Bunny because of an overbite. 67 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:12,220 She was also called Mousy. 68 00:05:13,020 --> 00:05:18,640 But she was a lovely, gentle girl with a marvelous personality and a beautiful, 69 00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:22,760 beautiful soul. A real dog, huh? Like you wouldn't believe. 70 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:27,840 Here she is. Here she is. 71 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,000 What's she doing now? 72 00:05:30,220 --> 00:05:33,120 Oh, I don't know. On the phone, she said something about being with Avon. 73 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:36,040 You mean ding -dong? Selling door -to -door? Yeah, I guess so. 74 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:40,220 Oh, I'm so excited. Bunny Nash after all these years. 75 00:05:40,680 --> 00:05:43,240 Lord, what do we call her? Bunny or Mousy? 76 00:05:43,580 --> 00:05:47,180 Don't you dare call her Mousy. It's all right to call her Bunny because she 77 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,500 never knew why we called her that. 78 00:05:49,360 --> 00:05:53,220 But I really want you to be careful what you say. She's a very sensitive girl 79 00:05:53,220 --> 00:05:56,380 and cries easily, especially at certain times of the month. 80 00:05:58,160 --> 00:06:01,580 While I'm thinking of it, I'd better hide that PTA Mother of the Year Award. 81 00:06:02,220 --> 00:06:05,260 Seeing that'll be like rubbing salt into an open wound. 82 00:06:06,080 --> 00:06:07,080 Why? 83 00:06:07,720 --> 00:06:10,680 Why shouldn't she see a Mother of the Year Award that's 20 years old? 84 00:06:10,960 --> 00:06:13,560 Carol, that's just what I mean about being sensitive. 85 00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:16,720 Honey, Phyllis never married. 86 00:06:16,940 --> 00:06:18,220 She's totally alone. 87 00:06:18,680 --> 00:06:21,640 I mean, she's had a rough enough time of it, she's not going to get hurt in her 88 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:22,760 old buddy Maud's house. 89 00:06:24,700 --> 00:06:25,700 Here, here. 90 00:06:26,340 --> 00:06:27,340 No jokes. 91 00:06:27,630 --> 00:06:31,510 Take all this stuff into the den, and listen, both of you, be very careful 92 00:06:31,510 --> 00:06:35,930 you say. I mean, no matter what she looks like, Phyllis was very important 93 00:06:35,930 --> 00:06:36,930 me. 94 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:44,370 Maude. 95 00:06:47,370 --> 00:06:48,370 Phyllis? 96 00:07:14,229 --> 00:07:17,010 Fixed. And that isn't all you had fixed. 97 00:07:18,270 --> 00:07:20,990 You're beautiful. Oh, no, Mother, you. 98 00:07:21,590 --> 00:07:24,750 You are beautiful. Oh, come on, Philip. 99 00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:28,250 Look at you. Honey, you're gorgeous. 100 00:07:28,510 --> 00:07:33,130 Oh, no, really, Mother, really. You are a striking woman. 101 00:07:33,690 --> 00:07:35,290 Well, thank you, Phyllis. 102 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:39,690 But you, I mean, you're... You are stunning. 103 00:07:40,270 --> 00:07:42,150 How could we ever have called you... 104 00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:48,310 Mousy? Well, I guess I was a little mousy way back then, but Maude, how 105 00:07:48,310 --> 00:07:50,050 have ever called you chunky? 106 00:07:50,790 --> 00:07:55,970 Maybe I was a little chunky for a while back then. 107 00:07:56,690 --> 00:08:01,610 I want you to meet my family. Walter, Carol, this is Phyllis. Hello, Carol. 108 00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:04,590 This is Phyllis? 109 00:08:06,070 --> 00:08:07,890 Walter, we've already done that. 110 00:08:15,400 --> 00:08:16,640 Five years, you're actually here. 111 00:08:16,860 --> 00:08:19,780 Oh, Maude. Oh, I can hardly believe it myself. 112 00:08:20,380 --> 00:08:23,160 Oh, Maude, I hope you're going to forgive me, darling, but I can only stay 113 00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:24,019 short time. 114 00:08:24,020 --> 00:08:27,540 Oh. No, I have an appointment in town, and I'm due in Boston this evening. 115 00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:28,859 What's in Boston? 116 00:08:28,860 --> 00:08:32,120 Oh, it's nothing. It's something that came up at the very last minute. 117 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,580 Oh, Mother thought you were... Aren't you an Avon lady? 118 00:08:36,059 --> 00:08:39,240 Well, I suppose I am in a way, but I happen to be one of the vice presidents. 119 00:08:42,059 --> 00:08:44,059 Funny. You mean... 120 00:08:44,270 --> 00:08:46,570 You're a vice president of the company? 121 00:08:46,850 --> 00:08:49,630 Oh, Maude, I have been for the past seven years. Oh, Maude. 122 00:08:49,870 --> 00:08:52,650 I've been called Bunny for 20 years. 123 00:08:53,390 --> 00:08:55,290 Oh, Maude. 124 00:08:55,630 --> 00:08:57,190 How the hell with Boston? 125 00:08:57,570 --> 00:09:01,590 Listen, I can let that wait. Invite me to dinner and I'll stay over. Oh, 126 00:09:01,590 --> 00:09:03,350 wonderful, wonderful. 127 00:09:03,770 --> 00:09:08,230 We have so much catching up to do. Let's see. I am dying to find out what it's 128 00:09:08,230 --> 00:09:09,850 like to be vice president of Avon. 129 00:09:10,090 --> 00:09:11,090 Oh, it's fantastic. 130 00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:16,050 I just love every minute of it. I mean, there's the old gang to talk about. Oh, 131 00:09:16,050 --> 00:09:19,190 do you find you're discriminated against because you're a woman? You know, I 132 00:09:19,190 --> 00:09:21,050 often hear from May and Flo. 133 00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:25,550 Oh, well, any company that's with it today, Carol, accepts you for what you 134 00:09:25,610 --> 00:09:30,570 You know, May moved to Ashtabula. No, no, Phyllis. Most corporations are still 135 00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:33,930 discriminating against women. Oh, but more and more companies are coming 136 00:09:34,430 --> 00:09:38,450 Carol. Yeah, but I often wonder about when. Listen, I could do it. A bright 137 00:09:38,450 --> 00:09:42,700 young woman like you can do it. You know, after... Fred was arrested for 138 00:09:42,700 --> 00:09:45,020 embezzling, I heard Gwen took to the street. 139 00:09:48,580 --> 00:09:53,300 In the corporation I work for, there is only one woman in a major executive 140 00:09:53,300 --> 00:09:56,400 capacity. And later she turned into an axe murderer. 141 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,260 Isn't that nice? 142 00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:06,460 Oh, while I remember, I have to call the airport. 143 00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:07,840 May I use your phone? 144 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:10,840 I must have that number here somewhere. 145 00:10:14,140 --> 00:10:16,640 Oh, look what I just found. 146 00:10:18,460 --> 00:10:20,940 Incidentally, Carol, I love that dress. 147 00:10:21,260 --> 00:10:22,260 Oh, thank you. 148 00:10:24,260 --> 00:10:25,600 Hello, Operation C. 149 00:10:25,940 --> 00:10:27,460 Yes, this is Phyllis Nash. 150 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:30,880 Yes, listen, could you hanger my plane for me? 151 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:37,080 Yes, I have to postpone my trip until nine tomorrow morning. All right? Thank 152 00:10:37,080 --> 00:10:38,080 you. 153 00:10:38,280 --> 00:10:41,560 You have your own plane, Phyllis? Well, actually, it's the company plane. 154 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:42,880 But you fly it yourself? 155 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:46,300 Well, there's a company pilot, but I enjoy taking over the controls. 156 00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:49,800 Oh, Maude, what's this? 157 00:10:52,580 --> 00:10:56,120 It's nothing, dear. It's probably some old award I've won. 158 00:10:56,520 --> 00:11:00,020 Oh, Maude, the Tuckahoe Parent Teachers Association. 159 00:11:01,070 --> 00:11:04,350 Mother of the Year, 1951. 160 00:11:04,770 --> 00:11:06,910 Oh, isn't that adorable? 161 00:11:07,150 --> 00:11:10,730 It really is quite an honor, Phil. You know, they only give them out every 162 00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:14,050 Isn't that nice? 163 00:11:14,370 --> 00:11:17,870 Well, now, listen, I have to be running along now to my appointment. Now, I'm to 164 00:11:17,870 --> 00:11:19,510 be back here at 7 -7, okay? 165 00:11:21,150 --> 00:11:22,370 Oh, thank you. 166 00:11:23,490 --> 00:11:27,070 Oh, Maude, isn't life full of surprises? 167 00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:29,570 Here you end up. 168 00:11:29,800 --> 00:11:33,580 Mother of the year. And I bet half the senior class thought she'd be the first 169 00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:34,580 woman president. 170 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:36,040 I'll see you later. 171 00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:37,180 Bye -bye. Bye -bye. 172 00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:45,900 Now, look, in this country, anybody can become president, but how many 173 00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,560 presidents can be mother of the year? 174 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:50,160 Poor Mousy. 175 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:55,460 Poor Mousy? Maud, that's mighty Mousy. 176 00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:03,640 I want to thank both of you for being so sweet to Phil. I mean, for making her 177 00:12:03,640 --> 00:12:05,720 feel so wanted, for building her up. 178 00:12:07,020 --> 00:12:10,080 Mother, what are you talking about? That woman doesn't need building up. She's 179 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:11,700 got everything she could possibly want. 180 00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:15,100 You bet she has. She's got the world by the tail, Maude. 181 00:12:15,980 --> 00:12:20,760 Neither one of you can see one -eighth of an inch below the surface, can you? 182 00:12:21,060 --> 00:12:25,240 Sure, Phil may have a marvelous job and fly her own plane and make her own 183 00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:26,240 decisions, but... 184 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:30,480 Oh, underneath all that bull, and believe me, that's exactly what it is. 185 00:12:30,860 --> 00:12:37,340 Phyllis is a very unhappy, unfulfilled lady, trapped in a plastic world, 186 00:12:37,440 --> 00:12:41,660 and you have the insensitivity to say that she has the world by the tail? 187 00:12:41,920 --> 00:12:42,920 She's miserable! 188 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,460 Oh, Bunny. 189 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:53,280 Bunny, what have I done with my life? 190 00:13:00,970 --> 00:13:03,990 So the upshot of the thing was he didn't have a kidney stone. But that didn't 191 00:13:03,990 --> 00:13:07,250 stop the jokes because the poor guy's name was Stone. See, Benjamin Stone. 192 00:13:07,710 --> 00:13:08,710 Kidney Stone. 193 00:13:11,310 --> 00:13:12,750 That's fascinating, Dr. 194 00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:13,950 Hart. 195 00:13:14,150 --> 00:13:15,150 Funny, too, Arthur. 196 00:13:15,430 --> 00:13:16,870 Right up there with your other jokes. 197 00:13:18,890 --> 00:13:19,890 Thank you, Carol. 198 00:13:20,130 --> 00:13:23,830 You know, they're always accusing doctors of talking shop. I got to stop 199 00:13:23,830 --> 00:13:27,130 shop. I realize it was a funny joke, but I got to stop talking shop. 200 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:31,080 How about you, Miss Nash? I understand you're with Avon. 201 00:13:31,860 --> 00:13:35,180 I imagine you have quite a high rate of varicose veins in that business. 202 00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:43,180 Mort, Mort, we have guests. We both shouldn't be in here. We were talking 203 00:13:43,180 --> 00:13:47,320 Phyllis, and I'm very interested in your reaction. I mean, to the career woman 204 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,780 thing. I assume you're fairly interested. 205 00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:54,140 Well, it's not uninteresting. More interesting than the wife and motherhood 206 00:13:54,140 --> 00:13:57,480 thing? Mort, I don't even know how to compare this. Don't you lie to me, 207 00:13:58,170 --> 00:14:02,450 I see the natural male interest in the unknown, the untamed, the 208 00:14:02,610 --> 00:14:05,830 But let me tell you something, Walter Finley, that sometimes you'll find more 209 00:14:05,830 --> 00:14:10,590 pure passion and more hot blood in the known and the tamed and the 210 00:14:10,710 --> 00:14:12,510 And have you any idea what I'm talking about? 211 00:14:12,730 --> 00:14:13,730 No. Neither do I. 212 00:14:18,690 --> 00:14:21,370 Now, please, get out of here while I'm working in the kitchen. 213 00:14:21,890 --> 00:14:25,490 Maude, why are you so troubled about Phyllis? 214 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,300 Because she's my friend, Walter. 215 00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:31,300 And her life is so empty. 216 00:14:33,660 --> 00:14:37,240 I mean, if you had a friend whose life was empty, wouldn't you try to fill it 217 00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:38,240 up? No. 218 00:14:38,740 --> 00:14:41,800 Because what can you fill it up with except your own life? 219 00:14:42,060 --> 00:14:44,820 That means when you fill hers, yours is empty. 220 00:14:47,020 --> 00:14:48,100 That's a lovely philosophy. 221 00:14:49,000 --> 00:14:50,180 Is there any more to that? 222 00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:53,720 Yes, I was also going to say... Okay! 223 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,600 Coffee, everybody. 224 00:15:00,700 --> 00:15:03,860 Marty, this is quite a little friend you've got here. Have you heard her 225 00:15:03,860 --> 00:15:07,640 schedule? Tomorrow she has to be in Boston, and then New Orleans, and the 226 00:15:07,640 --> 00:15:09,020 after that she has to be in Paris. 227 00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:15,120 Paris? Oh, poor dear Phyllis, always, always on the go. 228 00:15:15,500 --> 00:15:19,700 Honey, why don't you talk them into giving you a nice, quiet desk job where 229 00:15:19,700 --> 00:15:22,140 can get to meet somebody and maybe settle down? 230 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:28,350 Maude. A desk job and meeting someone and settling down are three ingredients 231 00:15:28,350 --> 00:15:30,250 that tend to make me throw up. 232 00:15:33,690 --> 00:15:35,510 Touché, Mother. Yeah, touché yourself. 233 00:15:37,950 --> 00:15:41,030 Honey, why don't you go upstairs and wake up Philip? 234 00:15:41,290 --> 00:15:44,870 I'd love Phyllis to see how cute he is when his eyes are all fuzzy -wuzzy. 235 00:15:44,910 --> 00:15:48,650 Because, Mother, she already saw him. She was upstairs with me when I put him 236 00:15:48,650 --> 00:15:51,590 bed. Oh, sure, I even did the slither -ga -dee for him. 237 00:15:51,810 --> 00:15:53,530 The slither -ga -dee? What's that? 238 00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:57,060 Oh, don't you know that? The Slithergadee is an old poem. Oh, it goes 239 00:15:57,060 --> 00:16:00,580 like this. Phyllis, Phyllis, honey, I'm sorry, but with all due respect, in 240 00:16:00,580 --> 00:16:03,820 order to do the Slithergadee properly, you have to know something about 241 00:16:03,820 --> 00:16:08,640 children, which is where being a mother and a grandmother come in handy. Now, 242 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:14,300 first of all, you have to find a doorway, and you stand in it like this, 243 00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:20,980 And then it goes, The Slithergadee came out of the sea. 244 00:16:21,630 --> 00:16:28,470 And it caught everybody, but it didn't catch me. You didn't catch me, 245 00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:29,990 you old slithergundy. 246 00:16:30,350 --> 00:16:35,310 You caught everybody, but you'll never catch me. 247 00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:42,290 Oh, 248 00:16:43,330 --> 00:16:45,930 Lord, Lord, that was wonderful. 249 00:16:47,020 --> 00:16:48,520 How come I never heard you do that before? 250 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,740 Well, because right after you say your prayers, you like me to sing you to 251 00:16:51,740 --> 00:16:52,740 sleep. 252 00:16:54,520 --> 00:16:57,120 Anyway, Phil, now you know how the slither -ga -dee goes. 253 00:16:57,460 --> 00:17:00,180 Yes, indeed, and that is exactly the way I did it. 254 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:05,319 You know, Ma, there are some things even an Avon girl can learn without being a 255 00:17:05,319 --> 00:17:07,819 mother and a grandmother. Now, come on, Philip. Arthur! 256 00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:11,500 Yeah? Why don't we go over to your house and shoot some pool and give Philip and 257 00:17:11,500 --> 00:17:13,160 Maude a chance to reminisce? 258 00:17:13,579 --> 00:17:14,579 Don't care about me. 259 00:17:15,000 --> 00:17:17,400 When they said they needed an extra man, I didn't know it was going to be for 260 00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:18,400 Waller. 261 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:21,339 Hey, sweetie. 262 00:17:21,339 --> 00:17:24,280 See you later, girl. Wait a minute. I haven't got a pool table. Come. 263 00:17:27,760 --> 00:17:28,539 Brandy, Phil? 264 00:17:28,540 --> 00:17:29,540 Well, 265 00:17:29,620 --> 00:17:31,200 ladies, I'm sure you'd like to be alone. 266 00:17:31,440 --> 00:17:32,700 Phyllis, I loved meeting you. 267 00:17:32,940 --> 00:17:36,580 Oh, the feeling is mutual, Carol, and I'll see that it happens again and soon. 268 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:39,240 Good. I'll look forward to it. Good night, Mother. 269 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:40,500 Night, honey. 270 00:17:42,860 --> 00:17:45,800 She's a wonderful girl, Maude. She's really got it all together. 271 00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,180 All except a man. 272 00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:57,460 What's so important about a man? Oh, come on, Phil. Get off it. We're alone 273 00:17:58,080 --> 00:17:59,980 What is a woman without a man? 274 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:03,820 Hey, remember that question in Hasler's class, Philosophy of Logic I? 275 00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:10,660 Does a tree make a sound in the forest when it falls unless there's an ear to 276 00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:11,649 hear it? 277 00:18:11,649 --> 00:18:14,670 Maude, are you trying to say that a woman needs a man to prove her 278 00:18:15,830 --> 00:18:16,830 In a way. 279 00:18:18,570 --> 00:18:20,170 Oh, come on now, Maude. 280 00:18:21,650 --> 00:18:22,650 Sweetheart. 281 00:18:24,190 --> 00:18:28,230 I don't buy it. Even if I did, I've got them in all shapes and sizes, from the 282 00:18:28,230 --> 00:18:33,890 53 -year -old head of a $2 billion conglomerate to a 28 -year -old beach 283 00:18:33,950 --> 00:18:36,630 Oh, come on now. Phil, you know we're not talking about that. 284 00:18:37,110 --> 00:18:38,870 We're talking about one man. 285 00:18:39,590 --> 00:18:40,870 One man to love. 286 00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:46,280 and to cherish, and to take care of, will take care of you. Did you say 28 287 00:18:46,280 --> 00:18:47,280 years? 288 00:18:53,720 --> 00:18:58,800 To old friends. 289 00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:00,220 To old friends. 290 00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,600 To you, Chunky. 291 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,820 To you, Mousy. 292 00:19:04,780 --> 00:19:06,480 Oh, that still hurts. 293 00:19:06,760 --> 00:19:09,060 Yeah, well, Chunky isn't exactly a pick -me -up. 294 00:19:11,340 --> 00:19:13,200 Oh, Lord, we were young then. 295 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:14,620 Okay, Phil. 296 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:17,060 Here's our high school yearbook. 297 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:28,100 Remember Gloria Forelli? Oh, beautiful hair, beautiful eyes, magnificent 298 00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,380 nose, absolutely no chin. 299 00:19:33,060 --> 00:19:34,240 See what she wrote? 300 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:39,600 First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Maude with a baby carriage. 301 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:41,929 Very original. 302 00:19:42,690 --> 00:19:45,170 Listen, these old chestnuts still make a point. 303 00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:48,690 First comes love, then comes marriage. 304 00:19:49,030 --> 00:19:50,290 Come on, Maude, turn the page. 305 00:19:51,970 --> 00:19:53,650 Did I say something wrong, Phil? 306 00:19:53,990 --> 00:19:55,790 Yes, by insinuation. 307 00:19:56,110 --> 00:19:59,750 Oh, come on. If I say something wrong, I say it straight out and flat out and 308 00:19:59,750 --> 00:20:00,850 never by insinuation. 309 00:20:01,370 --> 00:20:04,750 Besides, I never say anything wrong because I happen to be a perfect person. 310 00:20:07,590 --> 00:20:08,890 Come on now, Maude. 311 00:20:10,030 --> 00:20:14,390 Ever since I walked in here, you have bombarded me with your wonderful home, 312 00:20:14,490 --> 00:20:18,410 your wonderful marriage, your wonderful daughter, your wonderful et cetera. 313 00:20:18,590 --> 00:20:22,250 Because I have a wonderful home and a wonderful marriage and a wonderful 314 00:20:22,250 --> 00:20:27,110 daughter and a wonderful et cetera. And while we're at it, where do you get off 315 00:20:27,110 --> 00:20:31,110 bombarding me all evening with your wonderful job and your wonderful plane 316 00:20:31,110 --> 00:20:32,730 your wonderful sense of freedom? 317 00:20:34,890 --> 00:20:37,210 anything about a wonderful sense of freedom. 318 00:20:37,470 --> 00:20:40,170 All right. Maybe you didn't say anything about a wonderful sense of freedom. 319 00:20:40,230 --> 00:20:43,570 Maybe somebody else said something about a wonderful sense of freedom. Maybe I 320 00:20:43,570 --> 00:20:45,370 said something about a wonderful sense of freedom. 321 00:20:46,570 --> 00:20:48,450 Phyllis, why do you resent my happiness? 322 00:20:52,630 --> 00:20:57,110 Maud, is that what you think? Oh, come on, honey. It's as plain as the caps on 323 00:20:57,110 --> 00:20:58,110 your teeth. 324 00:21:03,450 --> 00:21:06,490 Maud, is... since we were in high school, even in college, you majored in 325 00:21:06,490 --> 00:21:11,150 feeling sorry for me. Here it is, 25 years later, I am a smashing success and 326 00:21:11,150 --> 00:21:13,010 you're still feeling sorry for me. 327 00:21:13,530 --> 00:21:17,870 You make it sound like I'm limping through life under some burden of 328 00:21:17,870 --> 00:21:21,570 freedom while you're marching to glory with a can of Drano and a Johnny Mop. 329 00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,610 You know, you were more beautiful when we called you Mousy. 330 00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:32,280 Don't look now, Maude, but your schoolgirl dreams are showing. You're 331 00:21:32,280 --> 00:21:35,720 your heart out because Bunny Nash is leading the life you could have had. 332 00:21:35,720 --> 00:21:36,720 have had is right. 333 00:21:36,820 --> 00:21:40,140 You said yourself half the senior class thought I'd be the first woman 334 00:21:40,140 --> 00:21:43,920 president. But you chose not to run. I'll tell you something better than 335 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:48,560 You know, in a way, Maude, I owe my career to you. I mean, every time 336 00:21:48,560 --> 00:21:52,460 big came up, I'd say to myself, now, what would Maude do in this situation? 337 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:53,940 And then I'd do it. 338 00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:55,520 Really, Phil? 339 00:21:55,900 --> 00:21:57,180 Really, Maude. 340 00:21:57,770 --> 00:22:00,430 So don't blame me because you turned it down. 341 00:22:01,150 --> 00:22:06,350 You know something else? I would turn it down again, Phil, for just what I have 342 00:22:06,350 --> 00:22:10,410 now. Roots. And don't think I didn't work like hell for them. 343 00:22:10,650 --> 00:22:13,390 I hit three lemons before I hit the jackpot. 344 00:22:16,390 --> 00:22:23,350 But I 345 00:22:23,350 --> 00:22:26,990 hit the jackpot, Phil. I hit the jackpot I always wanted. 346 00:22:27,550 --> 00:22:28,590 Do you know what that means? 347 00:22:28,870 --> 00:22:30,430 No. Do you know what that means? 348 00:22:31,570 --> 00:22:38,510 That means that I'm 47 years old and all I have to show for it is a hokey plaque 349 00:22:38,510 --> 00:22:40,970 that says I'm some kind of a mother. 350 00:22:44,970 --> 00:22:46,750 Oh, Maude, please think. 351 00:22:47,710 --> 00:22:50,510 Don't start crying or you'll have me crying too. 352 00:22:51,510 --> 00:22:52,510 Maude. 353 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:58,480 What each of us has been trying to do is justify her own life. But why should I 354 00:22:58,480 --> 00:23:04,500 have to justify my life? Phil, I love my life. Maude, I love mine. I really do. 355 00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:10,300 You mean that you... You wouldn't trade your life for mine? 356 00:23:11,540 --> 00:23:12,560 No way. 357 00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:19,880 Maude, would you trade yours for mine? 358 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:21,600 Not a chance. 359 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:27,920 Except I have to admit that I hear about your career and your romances and, 360 00:23:28,020 --> 00:23:32,100 well, the thought does split across my mind. 361 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:33,800 How about you? 362 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:42,240 Oh, well, sometimes when I look at a wonderful, nice man like Walter, I think 363 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,240 maybe. 364 00:23:44,900 --> 00:23:46,400 Do you really mean that? 365 00:23:47,060 --> 00:23:48,060 Oh, maybe. 366 00:23:49,860 --> 00:23:51,440 Oh, let's face it, Maude. 367 00:23:52,490 --> 00:23:56,410 No matter what you get in life, you can't have it all. 368 00:24:06,870 --> 00:24:10,170 Well, to the next episode of Bunny and Maude. 369 00:24:12,510 --> 00:24:14,790 Only if I can have the Kleenex concession. 370 00:24:17,910 --> 00:24:20,530 Phil, I have a confession. 371 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:26,700 Yeah? I want it all. 372 00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:31,900 So do I, Maude. 373 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:34,700 So do I. 374 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:47,860 Oh, hi, Maude. 375 00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:55,240 Has Bunny gone back to her hotel room yet? Yep. 376 00:24:56,160 --> 00:24:57,960 And I want to tell you something, Walden. 377 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:06,080 Bunny may be beautiful and successful, but if you think I'm unhappy that I'm 378 00:25:06,080 --> 00:25:08,620 in that hotel room, you're dead wrong. 379 00:25:09,540 --> 00:25:13,580 I wasn't thinking that. I was thinking how unhappy I am I'm not in that hotel 380 00:25:13,580 --> 00:25:14,580 room. 381 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:43,940 Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience. 32486

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