Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And the dance floor.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

Welcome to part two of Maud's Dilemma.

Morning, Carol.

Morning, Florida.

Where's your mother?

She hasn't come down yet. I think she's still in shock. So am I.

I just can't believe your mother is pregnant.

Neither can my mother.

Say what?

If Stark ever flew over my chimney again, my husband will fly right out the

door.

Hello, Junior.

Goodbye, Senior.

Oh, boy.

Morning, Mother.

Watch it, Florida.

Look who's telling who to watch it.

Did you have a bad night?

Flesh -crawling.

Honey, I dreamt I gave birth to the most beautiful baby with an eight -foot

stainless steel umbilical cord.

They couldn't cut it.

I woke up dragging Walter halfway across the bed by his pajama string.

Well, you don't look very well. Oh, honey, I have the world's worst cold.

I have a case of morning sickness that makes me feel like I'll live maybe tops

11 minutes.

What a fate.

Nine months of having you tell me I don't look well.

Eight months, mother. You're already four weeks pregnant.

Oh, look, Mother, you're not going to go through with this.

I keep forgetting. Is black coffee good or bad for a woman in my condition?

Well, it keeps you awake. Bad. That's what got me in my condition.

Mother, you don't have to have the baby. Look, I've told you before, there's no

reason to feel guilty, and there's certainly no reason to be afraid.

You're like talking to a stone wall.

A pregnant stone wall.

Honey, I really have been listening to you, and I've done a great deal of soul

-searching. Believe me.

You're going to have the baby.

That's right, Carol.

Mother, please, you can't. Look, you told me yourself Dr.

Tarpon said for you to have a baby at your age could be very risky. Now,

you know Dr.

Tarpon. He's an old fuddy -duddy. Look, Lucille Granger had a baby just last

year, and she was 49.

Yes, and she looks 59. I feel 71.

The point I'm trying to make, honey, is that I am going to have this baby

because Walter wants it.

Walter wants it? He told you that? No, well, he didn't come right out and say

it, but he was up half the night tossing and turning. Honey, I'm sure Walter

wants the baby.

How do you know he wasn't tossing and turning because he doesn't want the

Honey, I know the man.

Look, when you were married, didn't you know what was on your husband's mind?

If I'd known what was on his mind, I would have divorced him six months

Well, anyway, I know Walter like a book.

So you're having a child at your age just to please him?

Well, it's only fair. I mean, look what he did to please me.

Mr. Findlay, can I get into your bathroom now? Not unless you want to

the tub with Mr. Findlay.

After what you're going through? No, thanks.

How are those kids up in the kitchen?

With mothers.

There's something you're not talking about. How do you feel about having a

Oh, to tell you the truth, honey, I just don't know.

I mean, part of me really wants to have the baby, and part of me...

I don't know. Anyway, I know Walter will be very pleased if we have the baby.

He's never been a father before.

Well, I've never heard him complain about it. You know, you could be reading

wrong. Not a chance, honey. I know Walter.

Sweetheart, do you realize that he is almost 50 years old?

This is his bid for immortality. He'll have a son to carry on his name. Suppose

he gets a daughter.

Well, the way things are going today, a daughter could carry on his name, too.

If you are so sure that Walter wants the baby, I don't see why you can't just

come right out and ask him. Honey, there's no need to. Look, if he didn't

the baby, he would tell me. But if he did want the baby, which he does, he

wouldn't even mention it because he wouldn't want to influence me. Look,

Finley, if he ain't out of that tub yet, he is going to look like a prune.

By the way, what's the latest word on the baby?

Well, everybody else has voiced an opinion. How about you, Florida?

Well, my opinion is this.

I don't do windows, and I don't do babies.

Mother, I don't think you realize how difficult it's going to be for a woman

your age to have a baby. Oh, honey, listen, no matter how difficult it is,

can't be as difficult as it was when I was carrying you.

Now, that's right, Carol, because when I was pregnant with you, we were very,

very poor.

You know what it's like to be pregnant and poor?

Boy, I remember I used to have to go to a laundromat twice a week. Oh, I hated

that place.

It was loaded with perverts.

They loved to sit in front of the machines and watch the nylon panties go

and round.

As a matter of fact, I went into labor in that same laundromat.

Somewhere between rinse and spin dry.

The next thing I knew, I was in a hospital where a nurse handed me a brown

bag and told me to deposit my undergarments. Oh, Carol. She stood

slowly died of embarrassment.

You see, I had run out of underwear and I was wearing your father's boxer shirt.

I was right.

He looks like a prune.

when you're poor and young than when you're 47.

What a lousy break. Most women your age have already been through menopause.

I know, sweetheart, but you know me. I just haven't had the time.

However, tomorrow morning I'll put it on my calendar. Things to do.

Change life.

Tarzan, me Jane.

That must be Lorraine Cochran. She's picking Phillip up. She's got the

today.

Hi, Lorraine. Phillip will be down in a minute. Okay, I'll be right back, kids.

Play nice now. Hi, kids.

Lorraine, you know, you are really an amazing person.

I mean, four small children and you're in your early 40s. Nothing really.

Listen, Maude, do you mind if I visit your powder room?

Keep an eye on the... for me, will you?

Hello?

Am I what?

Am I watching television?

Wait a minute, what is this, one of those rating services?

Yeah, yeah, would you just hold on for just a minute? Yeah, don't go away,

please.

Jimmy! Jimmy!

Count to three, and then I'm going to come out there and rip your little heart

out.

That's a good boy.

My foot.

Hello? Yeah, you know, this is the first time that one of your services has ever

called me.

Yeah, well, of course I'm watching television.

Yeah, the name of the program is The End of the World.

kids with some kind of a plot to drive me mad.

Well, it looks like they succeeded.

Mr. Hallmore, I almost forgot.

Congratulations.

I understand you're preggy.

Preggy?

Preggy.

Oh, yes, Carol. You see, on top of everything else, I'm preggy.

I'll let you in on a little I am, too.

You're kidding.

Oh, well, of course you can't tell. I mean, I'm not showing yet.

Actually, we had planned at stopping at four.

Four's a nice family, Lorraine. Why didn't you?

I couldn't do that.

I mean, each to his own, but I couldn't. I don't think it's right for me to make

that kind of a decision.

Besides, what's one more kid?

Mort, are you nursing?

No, I was just having coffee.

I'll lend you my copy of The Art of Breastfeeding. You'll love it.

The Art of Breastfeeding. Do you realize, Carol, now it's an art.

Like French cooking.

Mother, look at you. You're shaking like a leaf. You were with those kids five

minutes. They weren't even in the house.

I'm late for golf. I only got time for coffee.

Walter, I'm crushed. I was planning on preparing you an eight -course

Walter, I have a

question for you.

What is it?

Walter, look, I have to know what you want.

I want it black.

Walter, I'm talking about the baby.

I mean, a woman has a right to know how her husband feels.

I think you know how I feel, Mort.

I want whatever you want.

And I want what you want, Walter.

Then it's settled.

Because I trust you to know what I want.

Anyway, you won't have to make this decision again.

Walter, what's that supposed to mean? I spoke to Arthur, and he spoke to Dr.

Mingo. And he arranged for me to get a vasectomy after golf.

Vasectomy after golf? It sounds like a new play by Noel Coward.

Well, anyway, honey, you heard it for yourself.

Walter is dying to have that baby. Mother, I didn't hear him say that. All

heard him say was that he trusts you to know what he wants. And I do, Carol.

Listen, there is not a doubt in my mind, honey. Not a doubt.

Because on top of everything else, last night in his sleep, he said, Maude, I

want to have this baby.

Well, why didn't you tell me that before? Because it's not true.

Well, Carol, I just want to get you off my back.

Now, listen, I am going to go ahead and have this baby because Walter wants it.

So you might as well start getting used to it. Yes, and maybe even be a little

happy about it, as I am.

Oh, Carol.

We're going to have a little toddler in the house.

And if he's strong and healthy, maybe by the time he's six months old, he'll be

smart enough to bust out of his playpen and run away from home.

Well, no, I don't think so, Arthur. The way Maud was tossing and turning last

night, I just know she wants to have that baby.

Does it ever occur to you she might have been tossing and turning because she

doesn't want to have the baby?

Oh, but you don't understand more.

If she didn't want to have the baby, she'd have no problem in telling me.

Instead, she tosses and turns and says nothing at all, which has to mean she

wants the baby.

What about you?

Me? Yeah.

I think it's terrific.

I'll get a chance to read Goodnight Moon.

You ever read that, Arthur?

Goodnight, little mouse. Goodnight, little house.

the night shoes, the night socks. I prefer the... Frankly, I prefer the

choo -choo that could.

You know?

I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.

I knew it could. I knew it could. I knew it could. I knew it could. Woo -woo!

Just between you and me, Walter, I don't know why Maude wants to have

a baby at all.

At her age, you know, there are certain risks.

Well, don't underestimate the maternal instinct, Arthur.

Besides, she may also be fighting the idea of abortion on moral grounds.

And you don't want to interfere?

I think I interfered enough already.

Good night, nose.

Good night, toes. Good night, eyes. You know, I hate to interrupt you, old

buddy, but you don't have very much time before you have to go under the knife.

Arthur. Hmm?

The operation.

What's it like?

Well, beseech me? Oh.

It's a very simple procedure, Walter.

It's done right in the doctor's office.

Snip, snip, snip, and it's over.

First, double.

Now, easy.

You're responding to some kind of a primitive fear. It's irrational.

You should know better.

I do know better, but that doesn't help.

Not when you were brainwashed as a child.

I still line the seats in public, John.

My mother spent half her life telling me what I could get if I didn't.

I guess we had the same mothers, Walter.

You want to know what I do in public restrooms?

What?

Get ready.

I flush with my foot.

We all had the same mothers, Arthur. All of us.

Tell me something.

What happens...

After the snip -snip?

After the snip -snip. Nothing, except you can't make babies, that's all.

And that's it? That's it.

I don't change into a soprano, do I?

Come on, Walter. It has nothing to do with virility.

Absolutely nothing. Listen, you want to hear it right from the horse's mouth?

Harry Lawrence is over there. He had a vasectomy. Harry! Hey, Arthur, please

don't embarrass me. Don't worry.

I'll be discreet.

How are you, Harry? Good to see you. Do you know Walter Finley?

No, I don't know you. It's a pleasure, Walter. Hi.

Well, how's the dress business?

Sensational. That's great.

How do you like your vasectomy?

Discreet, Arthur. Very discreet.

Walter here is planning to have one, too.

Oh.

Good deal.

Tell him about it.

You'll really love it, Walter.

Takes the worry out of being close.

You're happy you had it done then?

Happy isn't the word for it. Best thing I ever did.

And everything's fine?

Fine.

Everything's better.

Better? Sure.

Helps my wife, too. She's like a kid again.

The only trouble is she forgets I'm not.

One more question.

Do you flush with your foot?

Good to see you again, Arthur.

Good luck.

Well, he didn't have the same mother we did, Arthur. No, he did not.

Well, the important thing is he was psychologically prepared for vasectomy.

some guys are and some guys aren't. Now, you're an ideal candidate for

vasectomy. Easy going, devil may care.

Here's just what the doctor ordered.

I gotta make a couple of calls on the way home.

And you better be getting yourself over to Doc Mingo. Oh, yeah.

Sure, as soon as I finish this drink.

Well, lots of luck, old buddy.

And remember, be for vasectomy.

Be for vasectomy.

Oh, hello, Dr. Mingo's office. This is Walter Findley.

Yeah, well, I want to cancel my 5 o 'clock appointment.

Well, yeah, I'll call back. I'll call back next.

Hurry,

darling. You must be exhausted.

So really, Walter, playing 18 holes of golf, then having a vasectomy, and then

working in the store until 9 o 'clock. I mean, it's too much.

Confession to make.

Yes, Walter.

I shouldn't have gone to the store today. All I saw was a pop -up toaster.

What are you doing?

Honey, I'm helping you get into bed.

I'm not an invalid.

Come on.

Why are we going to bed so early? It's not even ten o 'clock.

Sweetheart, you don't have to go to sleep. I just want you to get into bed

rest. Come on.

You can read.

I bought you a new book today.

The art of breastfeeding?

No, honey, the other one on politics.

I don't feel like reading.

Sweetheart, did the doctor prescribe anything?

I mean, ice packs or heating pad, aspirin, novelties?

Nothing.

He just told me to stay off my feet, you know.

Listen, honey, would you like a pickle?

They probably go better with pregnancies than vasectomies.

Maude, I'd like to tell you about today. Honey, I want to take your mind off

today.

Now, of course, I know what I usually do to take your mind off things, but what

can we do now?

I know why. How about a game of gin rummy? Okay.

Gin rummy.

Terrific idea.

Gosh, Maude, it's been months since we played gin.

I know.

Walter, I've decided to have the baby.

I knew it.

I told Arthur that would be your decision.

I'm glad you're happy about it.

You'll love being a father.

Of course, Maude.

Gin.

What do you mean, gin? You picked up one card and you gin?

Name of the game, Maude.

Listen, honey.

I was wondering, now that you've had your vasectomy, well, if anything

happened to me... More. No, no, no, no, no. Let me finish.

Sweetheart, if anything happened to me and you wanted to get married again and

you wanted to be a father again, but you couldn't, I mean, have you thought

about that, Walter?

I never wanted to become a father before.

Why should I want to become one later on?

I don't understand you, Walter.

I'm happy to become a father because you want to have a baby, not because I want

to become a father.

Gin.

Walter, what are you trying to do? You pick up two cards and you gin.

Now, wait a second, Ward.

Were you having the baby because you thought I wanted it?

Well, you do, don't you?

Sweetheart, would it disappoint you too much to learn that becoming a father was

never one of my life's ambitions?

I don't know why.

For years, I used to feel guilty about it.

For years, people told me I was not so selfish.

How can I not love kids?

Well, I do love kids, but they don't have to be mine.

That's probably the worst confession I'll ever make.

Do you hate me?

Of course not, darling.

I love you.

I love you, and I love my life.

Gin. I take it all back!

and you're ginning out on me.

Forget the cards, Mort. We have something much more important to talk

What, you finally decided you do want a pickle?

Mort, I want you to have whatever it is you want.

Does that include the baby?

Well, it did when... when I thought you wanted it.

I think it would be wrong to have a child at our age.

Oh, so do I, Walter.

Oh, Walter, so do I.

We'd make awful parents.

Oh, impatient, irascible.

Awful. It's just not our time of life. Well, for other people it might be fine,

but for us, I don't think it would be fair to anybody.

Oh, Walter, hold me closer.

Are you frightened more about the operation, I mean? Oh, don't be

darling. Why should I be frightened? Were you frightened of the vasectomy?

I said, were you frightened about the vasectomy?

I didn't have it.

Psychologically unprepared.

You can ask Arthur.

Arthur's a doctor. He told me that... It's all right. It's all right.

Just tell me, Walter, that I'm doing the right thing.

Not having the baby.

For you, Maud.

For me.

In the privacy of our own lives, you're doing the right thing.

I love you, Walter Finley.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.