Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. And you're glad she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Philip must be feeling better, Florida. He ate two helpings of ice cream and he

kept them down.

Is that game, Mayo?

Yeah, on the desk.

It's none of my business.

But I got most of your letters have M .S. in front of your name.

That's the result of women's lib.

You know, all men are called Mr.

So we can't tell if they're married or single.

But with women, we're either Miss or Mrs.

So you know if they're married or single or not.

Anyway, to make things equal, we have this new designation in front of our

names. M .S.

Pronounced Ms.

But, honey, that ain't new. We've been saying that for years.

Ms. Carol.

Well, you do understand the Ms., don't you, Florida? Oh, sure.

Right now, you're divorced, and you're liberated, and you're mighty proud of

that Ms. in front of your name, but you're also looking for a husband.

And something tells me as soon as you find him, you're going to go screaming

down the street, I'm a Mrs.

Last time she was this late, she was trying to talk herself out of a speeding

ticket. How'd she make out?

Not too bad.

Paid $50 for the speeding and $50 for the talking.

Hi, Bob.

Mother, it's after 8 o 'clock.

Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years old and already you tell time.

I was out skating with Peggy Fleming.

Mother, what are you talking about?

Carol, life is just a bowl of cherries.

Do you know who wrote that song?

A deranged fruit peddler.

Hey, how about me? Do I even get a hello?

Hello, Vivian.

Now leave me alone.

He's got a touch of the flu.

Oh, and Walter called.

His plane gets in at 8 .30 and he'll take a cab home from the airport.

Walter.

Walter.

Marge, you've got to stop hitting yourself. I can't, Vivian. The pain

mind off. Off what?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Oh, well, look. Why don't I just get the hell out of here? Vivian, you leave me

alone at a time like this and I will rip your heart out.

Vivian, Vivian.

Vivian, how long have we known each other?

22 years, Ma. 22 years.

We've been through an awful lot together.

A lot.

Six husbands, your two, my four.

Right. For 22 years, Vivian, we've been everything to each other. I mean, there

wasn't a confidence that we couldn't share. We've been like sisters, Vivian.

Like sisters, Ma.

Then can I trust you to keep a secret?

What is it?

Don't look at me

Vivian

I'm pregnant

Please pull my leg.

Vivian, at age 62, I'll be the mother of an eagle scout.

I don't believe it.

No, they made a mistake.

Laboratories make mistakes. There's no mistake, Vivian. The rabbit died.

that I live in a house where an uncle is about to inherit his nephew's potty

seat.

Oh, Vivian, Vivian. I was just coming into the prime of my life. I mean, Carol

is bound to get married again. I was even thinking about having the sofa

recovered and getting new carpeting. I was even toying with the idea of having

my eyes done.

Dr.

Spock and spit up and...

Philip, he's throwing up again.

I might as well go up and practice with him.

What?

Vivian, you tell him. Oh, no, not me.

Mother, what's wrong?

Now, you've got to share this with me. Honey, I'd give anything to share.

Vivian, please.

Please. All right, Carol.

Come here, honey. Let me try to tell you something.

Well, you remember when you were just a little girl, maybe, oh, five or six

years old, and you used to come to me and you'd say, Auntie Vivian, you know

mommy, too.

You tell her for me.

I want a little brother or sister.

You remember that?

Oh.

Well, honey, your mother has finally decided to grant her wish.

Now, just promise me you won't get jealous and hit the baby!

But how did it happen?

Mother, mother, you're 47 years old. Walter's 49. This is no time to be

baby. No time for who to be having a baby.

yards of tubing it'll take from the exhaust pipe to the rear window.

You're a bear.

Look, there's only one sensible way out of this. You don't have to have the

baby. What'll I do? Trade it in for a volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?

Well, I'm leaving.

Maud, if you're sorry, I'm sorry.

Thanks, Flora. I appreciate it.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Florida. Good night, Florida. Listen, Mother, give me this.

You don't have to think that way anymore. It's legal now. No, she's

legal in New York State. You better give that a thought. I have given it a

thought.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I just don't know.

Oh, Mother, I'm so sorry. Oh, save it, Carol. She'll need it more later. Say,

about six months when she looks like a water buffalo in one of those little

flowered tents.

Thanks, Vivian. I really needed that.

You haven't told Walter yet, have you?

You think he'll be pleased?

Well, let me put it this way, Vivian. You know how pleased I am.

Walter will be twice as pleased.

Here comes Arthur.

Arthur? Oh, I forgot we're playing bridge tonight.

Look, Carol, Vivian, please sit down. Not a word. Not a word. If Arthur Harmon

found out that at my age I was pregnant, he'd laugh himself sick.

It's just I keep seeing that dumb look that Walter's going to have on his face

when he finds out.

I'm sorry, Monty, really, honestly, but I can't help it.

That dumb look on Walter's face keeps popping up into my mind.

Hi, Viv. Hi, Carol.

How did you find out, Arthur? You tortured my gynecologist, didn't you?

Well, Dr.

Charbon and I happened to intern together at Bellevue.

We also happened to have offices on the same floor, so, uh... When I saw you

leaving with that expression on your face, I just, well... Anyway,

congratulations, little mother.

Little mother.

Good

idea.

Come on, mother, it'll take your mind off of things.

Only if we play for the next nine months.

understand about all this.

Weren't you using the pill?

No. It gives me migraines.

What did you do? Did I cross your fingers?

Well, you're not going to tell me you were using some old -fashioned method.

Bingo! And the old -fashioned thing happened. I got pregnant.

Now, wait a minute. There's no such thing as old -fashioned.

Hippocrates described the...

IUD thing over 2 ,000 years ago. Oh, it's so unfair. They can put a man on

moon, but women are using the same birth control method... Oh, come on, girls,

let's play.

It's my bid.

And I say pass.

I don't even have to arrange these.

Two, no Trump.

Pass. Pass.

Maude, your partner just bid two, no Trump.

That means you're supposed to let her know what's in your hand.

Now, Maude, I grant you that the autumn years of life is not the ideal time to

be raising a baby.

The autumn years of life.

Arthur, leave it to you to sound just like a Hallmark card.

How can you be so insensitive? Not just to my mother.

Arthur, when are men going to take some responsibility for birth control? It's

happening. It's happening.

Vasectomy, for example.

More and more men are talking about vasectomy all the time.

Walter's been talking about it for two years. Take it from me, Arthur, talking

about it doesn't work.

Harry Adams just had a vasectomy. Good man, Adams.

Good man, Adams. Arthur, one man's vasectomy is not the answer. Look, the

things are going, if even older people like my mother and Walter start behaving

like rabbits, well, we're all going to end up living like sardines.

Beautifully put, Carol.

I mean, it's not every mother that gets to be called a rabbit.

Well, that's not what I meant. I just meant he's such a chauvinist. You didn't

mean it. Why?

convention.

And, Maud, do I have a surprise for you.

He has a surprise for me.

Folks, you're not going to believe this, but I, Walter Findlay, am going into

Japanese appliances.

Hey, come on, what's going on here? I just said I was going into Japanese

appliances. Is that all I get?

Walter, Mother had something to tell you, too.

Carol. Mother, there is no sense in delaying anything. Carol, what are you

doing? All right, all right, all right. I'll tell him.

Might as well, Maude. You're the dummy.

Come into the kitchen.

What's the matter? Did you wreck the car again?

Did you hear that, everybody? Did you hear that?

No, Ma, did you wreck the car again?

All right, you're right, darling. I mean, you're absolutely right, and I'm

sorry.

So tell me, sweetheart, are you sick?

No.

Are you unhappy?

No.

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

knives are dull and he can't fit into the blender why don't I go and

check stay where you are look if there were anything wrong with Walter I'd be

the first to know

my chicken.

Please, now, wallow. Now, wallow it down.

Got to get it all down.

That'll do it. Okay.

That's it.

Did you hear what I told you?

Is there anything you want to say?

What is it, Walter?

If it's true, give me another chicken leg.

It's a mistake.

Isn't it, Arthur?

It's a false pregnancy that happens all the time, don't they? The tests were

positive, Walter.

Then it must be something else, something that's going around like the

This is the place in the movie where they say we're kidding.

You were kidding, right? We're not kidding, Walter. The rabbit died.

I know how he feels.

Arthur, in 13 years, I'll be the 62 -year -old father of an

Eagle Scout.

to happen to you. You're not the one that has to carry this baby. She's

I am the one who's going to have to sit in that doctor's office with all those

pregnant 25 -year -olds.

Yep. One look at you and they'll probably laugh themselves into premature

God, I'm leaving. I think you want to be alone with Walter. I don't want to be

alone with that man again as long as I live.

I don't blame you.

Walter, what can I say?

Try goodnight, Vivian.

I'm going. I'm going. I just want to say one word before I go.

I want both of you to look on the affirmative side of this thing. I mean,

at it this way.

If it's a boy, Walter will have someone to carry on his name.

Arthur, from now on, Walter's name is Mud.

You want to name a kid Mud? You got pregnant.

Well, what can I say?

Drunk's a rock.

That's to go with your Japanese appliances.

I'm drinking for two, you know.

Excuse me.

I think I'll check up on Philip.

Maud, I don't know what to say.

I know it's crazy, but I'm excited about this.

And if I'm excited about it, I should be happy about it.

But I'm not, Maud, I'm not.

I understand.

I went to all...

going to be any fun having a two -year -old who can beat you up the stairs.

But the time will come, Ward, when we'll be free again.

I mean, the child grows up, goes to college, meets a girl or a fella, and

married.

Then gets a divorce, moves back into the house, probably with an eight -year

-old kid.

God will get you for that one.

I've been thinking.

There is no earthly reason for you to go through with this at your age. You know

it. I know it. Walter knows it. I don't want you to talk of just... I didn't say

anything, but now that you mentioned it, it's legal in New York now, isn't it?

Oh, of course it is, Walter.

Mother, I don't understand your hesitancy when they made it a law you

foreign. Of course. I wasn't pregnant then.

Mother, it's ridiculous. My saying this to you, we're free. We finally... have

the right to decide what we can do with our own bodies. All right, then will you

please get yours into the kitchen?

You're just scared. I am not scared. You are, and it's as simple as going to the

dentist. Now I'm scared.

Mother, listen to me.

It's a simple operation now.

But when you were growing up, it was illegal.

And it was dangerous, and it was sinister, and you've never gotten over

Now you tell me...

It's not true.

And you're right.

I've never gotten over it.

It's not your fault.

When you were young, abortion was a dirty word.

It's not.

You know, Maud, you've got one hell of a daughter.

Oh, Walter, it's so silly.

It's really dumb. I mean, it's not just that I'm scared. It's like deep down

inside me there's a teeny part of me that feels guilty for even thinking

it. Well, I'll tell you this, Maud.

Whatever you decide is going to be all right with me.

Thank you, Walter.

I'll tell you something else, too.

To make sure this doesn't happen again, I'm going to have that vasectomy.

You really mean that?

Why not?

It's a simple operation.

Like going to the dentist.

I guess I'll just have to think about it, too.

Sweetheart.

Whatever you decide.

Walter, don't pat me there.

That's what started this whole thing.

Oh, I bet Mother never slept a wink last night.

Nope, you're wrong.

I don't understand it, but she slept like a log.

Good morning, Mort. Good morning, Mother. Quiet, not another word. I don't

anything to knock this dream out of my head.

All last night, I was the heroine of a soap opera.

There's always tomorrow.

As an infant, I was left on a coal miner's doorstep.

spent my formative years with a band of roving gypsies, grew up and married an

Italian nobleman, and at age 47, I got pregnant.

And now, some scenes from next week's Maud.

Now, the point I'm trying to make, honey, is that I am going to have this

Because Walter wants it. Well, no, I don't think so, Arthur. The way Maud was

tossing and turning last night, I just know she wants to have that baby.

Walter, I've decided to have the baby.

I mean, a woman has a right to know how her husband feels.

I think you know how I feel, Maud.

I want whatever you want.

Then I want what you want, Walter.

Then it's settled.

Because I trust you to know what I want.

Anyway, you won't have to make this decision again.

Walter, what's that supposed to mean?

I spoke to Arthur, and he spoke to Dr. Mingo, and he arranged for me to get a

vasectomy after golf.

A vasectomy after golf? It sounds like a new play by Noel Coward.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.