All language subtitles for maude_s01e09_maude_s_dilemma_1

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world
looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.
She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. And
you're glad she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's Maude. And then there's
Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude.
And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and
anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Philip must be feeling better, Florida.
He ate two helpings of ice cream and he

kept them down.

Is that game, Mayo?

Yeah, on the desk.

It's none of my business.

But I got most of your letters have M
.S. in front of your name.

That's the result of women's lib.

You know, all men are called Mr.

So we can't tell if they're married or
single.

But with women, we're either Miss or
Mrs.

So you know if they're married or single
or not.

Anyway, to make things equal, we have
this new designation in front of our

names. M .S.

Pronounced Ms.

But, honey, that ain't new. We've been
saying that for years.

Ms. Carol.

Well, you do understand the Ms., don't
you, Florida? Oh, sure.

Right now, you're divorced, and you're
liberated, and you're mighty proud of

that Ms. in front of your name, but
you're also looking for a husband.

And something tells me as soon as you
find him, you're going to go screaming

down the street, I'm a Mrs.

Last time she was this late, she was
trying to talk herself out of a speeding

ticket. How'd she make out?

Not too bad.

Paid $50 for the speeding and $50 for
the talking.

Hi, Bob.

Mother, it's after 8 o 'clock.

Carol, I'm proud of you. Only 27 years
old and already you tell time.

I was out skating with Peggy Fleming.

Mother, what are you talking about?

Carol, life is just a bowl of cherries.

Do you know who wrote that song?

A deranged fruit peddler.

Hey, how about me? Do I even get a
hello?

Hello, Vivian.

Now leave me alone.

He's got a touch of the flu.

Oh, and Walter called.

His plane gets in at 8 .30 and he'll
take a cab home from the airport.

Walter.

Walter.

Marge, you've got to stop hitting
yourself. I can't, Vivian. The pain

mind off. Off what?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Oh, well, look. Why don't I just get the
hell out of here? Vivian, you leave me

alone at a time like this and I will rip
your heart out.

Vivian, Vivian.

Vivian, how long have we known each
other?

22 years, Ma. 22 years.

We've been through an awful lot
together.

A lot.

Six husbands, your two, my four.

Right. For 22 years, Vivian, we've been
everything to each other. I mean, there

wasn't a confidence that we couldn't
share. We've been like sisters, Vivian.

Like sisters, Ma.

Then can I trust you to keep a secret?

What is it?

Don't look at me

Vivian

I'm pregnant

Please pull my leg.

Vivian, at age 62, I'll be the mother of
an eagle scout.

I don't believe it.

No, they made a mistake.

Laboratories make mistakes. There's no
mistake, Vivian. The rabbit died.

that I live in a house where an uncle is
about to inherit his nephew's potty

seat.

Oh, Vivian, Vivian. I was just coming
into the prime of my life. I mean, Carol

is bound to get married again. I was
even thinking about having the sofa

recovered and getting new carpeting. I
was even toying with the idea of having

my eyes done.

Dr.

Spock and spit up and...

Philip, he's throwing up again.

I might as well go up and practice with
him.

What?

Vivian, you tell him. Oh, no, not me.

Mother, what's wrong?

Now, you've got to share this with me.
Honey, I'd give anything to share.

Vivian, please.

Please. All right, Carol.

Come here, honey. Let me try to tell you
something.

Well, you remember when you were just a
little girl, maybe, oh, five or six

years old, and you used to come to me
and you'd say, Auntie Vivian, you know

mommy, too.

You tell her for me.

I want a little brother or sister.

You remember that?

Oh.

Well, honey, your mother has finally
decided to grant her wish.

Now, just promise me you won't get
jealous and hit the baby!

But how did it happen?

Mother, mother, you're 47 years old.
Walter's 49. This is no time to be

baby. No time for who to be having a
baby.

yards of tubing it'll take from the
exhaust pipe to the rear window.

You're a bear.

Look, there's only one sensible way out
of this. You don't have to have the

baby. What'll I do? Trade it in for a
volleyball on Let's Make a Deal?

Well, I'm leaving.

Maud, if you're sorry, I'm sorry.

Thanks, Flora. I appreciate it.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night, Florida. Good night,
Florida. Listen, Mother, give me this.

You don't have to think that way
anymore. It's legal now. No, she's

legal in New York State. You better give
that a thought. I have given it a

thought.

Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I just
don't know.

Oh, Mother, I'm so sorry. Oh, save it,
Carol. She'll need it more later. Say,

about six months when she looks like a
water buffalo in one of those little

flowered tents.

Thanks, Vivian. I really needed that.

You haven't told Walter yet, have you?

You think he'll be pleased?

Well, let me put it this way, Vivian.
You know how pleased I am.

Walter will be twice as pleased.

Here comes Arthur.

Arthur? Oh, I forgot we're playing
bridge tonight.

Look, Carol, Vivian, please sit down.
Not a word. Not a word. If Arthur Harmon

found out that at my age I was pregnant,
he'd laugh himself sick.

It's just I keep seeing that dumb look
that Walter's going to have on his face

when he finds out.

I'm sorry, Monty, really, honestly, but
I can't help it.

That dumb look on Walter's face keeps
popping up into my mind.

Hi, Viv. Hi, Carol.

How did you find out, Arthur? You
tortured my gynecologist, didn't you?

Well, Dr.

Charbon and I happened to intern
together at Bellevue.

We also happened to have offices on the
same floor, so, uh... When I saw you

leaving with that expression on your
face, I just, well... Anyway,

congratulations, little mother.

Little mother.

Good

idea.

Come on, mother, it'll take your mind
off of things.

Only if we play for the next nine
months.

understand about all this.

Weren't you using the pill?

No. It gives me migraines.

What did you do? Did I cross your
fingers?

Well, you're not going to tell me you
were using some old -fashioned method.

Bingo! And the old -fashioned thing
happened. I got pregnant.

Now, wait a minute. There's no such
thing as old -fashioned.

Hippocrates described the...

IUD thing over 2 ,000 years ago. Oh,
it's so unfair. They can put a man on

moon, but women are using the same birth
control method... Oh, come on, girls,

let's play.

It's my bid.

And I say pass.

I don't even have to arrange these.

Two, no Trump.

Pass. Pass.

Maude, your partner just bid two, no
Trump.

That means you're supposed to let her
know what's in your hand.

Now, Maude, I grant you that the autumn
years of life is not the ideal time to

be raising a baby.

The autumn years of life.

Arthur, leave it to you to sound just
like a Hallmark card.

How can you be so insensitive? Not just
to my mother.

Arthur, when are men going to take some
responsibility for birth control? It's

happening. It's happening.

Vasectomy, for example.

More and more men are talking about
vasectomy all the time.

Walter's been talking about it for two
years. Take it from me, Arthur, talking

about it doesn't work.

Harry Adams just had a vasectomy. Good
man, Adams.

Good man, Adams. Arthur, one man's
vasectomy is not the answer. Look, the

things are going, if even older people
like my mother and Walter start behaving

like rabbits, well, we're all going to
end up living like sardines.

Beautifully put, Carol.

I mean, it's not every mother that gets
to be called a rabbit.

Well, that's not what I meant. I just
meant he's such a chauvinist. You didn't

mean it. Why?

convention.

And, Maud, do I have a surprise for you.

He has a surprise for me.

Folks, you're not going to believe this,
but I, Walter Findlay, am going into

Japanese appliances.

Hey, come on, what's going on here? I
just said I was going into Japanese

appliances. Is that all I get?

Walter, Mother had something to tell
you, too.

Carol. Mother, there is no sense in
delaying anything. Carol, what are you

doing? All right, all right, all right.
I'll tell him.

Might as well, Maude. You're the dummy.

Come into the kitchen.

What's the matter? Did you wreck the car
again?

Did you hear that, everybody? Did you
hear that?

No, Ma, did you wreck the car again?

All right, you're right, darling. I
mean, you're absolutely right, and I'm

sorry.

So tell me, sweetheart, are you sick?

No.

Are you unhappy?

No.

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

knives are dull and he can't fit into
the blender why don't I go and

check stay where you are look if there
were anything wrong with Walter I'd be

the first to know

my chicken.

Please, now, wallow. Now, wallow it
down.

Got to get it all down.

That'll do it. Okay.

That's it.

Did you hear what I told you?

Is there anything you want to say?

What is it, Walter?

If it's true, give me another chicken
leg.

It's a mistake.

Isn't it, Arthur?

It's a false pregnancy that happens all
the time, don't they? The tests were

positive, Walter.

Then it must be something else,
something that's going around like the

This is the place in the movie where
they say we're kidding.

You were kidding, right? We're not
kidding, Walter. The rabbit died.

I know how he feels.

Arthur, in 13 years, I'll be the 62
-year -old father of an

Eagle Scout.

to happen to you. You're not the one
that has to carry this baby. She's

I am the one who's going to have to sit
in that doctor's office with all those

pregnant 25 -year -olds.

Yep. One look at you and they'll
probably laugh themselves into premature

God, I'm leaving. I think you want to be
alone with Walter. I don't want to be

alone with that man again as long as I
live.

I don't blame you.

Walter, what can I say?

Try goodnight, Vivian.

I'm going. I'm going. I just want to say
one word before I go.

I want both of you to look on the
affirmative side of this thing. I mean,

at it this way.

If it's a boy, Walter will have someone
to carry on his name.

Arthur, from now on, Walter's name is
Mud.

You want to name a kid Mud? You got
pregnant.

Well, what can I say?

Drunk's a rock.

That's to go with your Japanese
appliances.

I'm drinking for two, you know.

Excuse me.

I think I'll check up on Philip.

Maud, I don't know what to say.

I know it's crazy, but I'm excited about
this.

And if I'm excited about it, I should be
happy about it.

But I'm not, Maud, I'm not.

I understand.

I went to all...

going to be any fun having a two -year
-old who can beat you up the stairs.

But the time will come, Ward, when we'll
be free again.

I mean, the child grows up, goes to
college, meets a girl or a fella, and

married.

Then gets a divorce, moves back into the
house, probably with an eight -year

-old kid.

God will get you for that one.

I've been thinking.

There is no earthly reason for you to go
through with this at your age. You know

it. I know it. Walter knows it. I don't
want you to talk of just... I didn't say

anything, but now that you mentioned it,
it's legal in New York now, isn't it?

Oh, of course it is, Walter.

Mother, I don't understand your
hesitancy when they made it a law you

foreign. Of course. I wasn't pregnant
then.

Mother, it's ridiculous. My saying this
to you, we're free. We finally... have

the right to decide what we can do with
our own bodies. All right, then will you

please get yours into the kitchen?

You're just scared. I am not scared. You
are, and it's as simple as going to the

dentist. Now I'm scared.

Mother, listen to me.

It's a simple operation now.

But when you were growing up, it was
illegal.

And it was dangerous, and it was
sinister, and you've never gotten over

Now you tell me...

It's not true.

And you're right.

I've never gotten over it.

It's not your fault.

When you were young, abortion was a
dirty word.

It's not.

You know, Maud, you've got one hell of a
daughter.

Oh, Walter, it's so silly.

It's really dumb. I mean, it's not just
that I'm scared. It's like deep down

inside me there's a teeny part of me
that feels guilty for even thinking

it. Well, I'll tell you this, Maud.

Whatever you decide is going to be all
right with me.

Thank you, Walter.

I'll tell you something else, too.

To make sure this doesn't happen again,
I'm going to have that vasectomy.

You really mean that?

Why not?

It's a simple operation.

Like going to the dentist.

I guess I'll just have to think about
it, too.

Sweetheart.

Whatever you decide.

Walter, don't pat me there.

That's what started this whole thing.

Oh, I bet Mother never slept a wink last
night.

Nope, you're wrong.

I don't understand it, but she slept
like a log.

Good morning, Mort. Good morning,
Mother. Quiet, not another word. I don't

anything to knock this dream out of my
head.

All last night, I was the heroine of a
soap opera.

There's always tomorrow.

As an infant, I was left on a coal
miner's doorstep.

spent my formative years with a band of
roving gypsies, grew up and married an

Italian nobleman, and at age 47, I got
pregnant.

And now, some scenes from next week's
Maud.

Now, the point I'm trying to make,
honey, is that I am going to have this

Because Walter wants it. Well, no, I
don't think so, Arthur. The way Maud was

tossing and turning last night, I just
know she wants to have that baby.

Walter, I've decided to have the baby.

I mean, a woman has a right to know how
her husband feels.

I think you know how I feel, Maud.

I want whatever you want.

Then I want what you want, Walter.

Then it's settled.

Because I trust you to know what I want.

Anyway, you won't have to make this
decision again.

Walter, what's that supposed to mean?

I spoke to Arthur, and he spoke to Dr.
Mingo, and he arranged for me to get a

vasectomy after golf.

A vasectomy after golf? It sounds like a
new play by Noel Coward.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live
audience.