Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Jonah barked with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. No, no, no.

Pardon me, lady.

Don't you pardon me, lady. I'm very angry at you.

Sirens scare the hell out of me.

Yours has been whining at me for three blocks.

Before the siren, did you see me wave at you? Well, of course I did. Didn't you

see me wave back?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm in a hurry. You were speeding, ma 'am.

34 miles per hour in a 30 -mile zone. I was not. I was doing 30 miles an hour in

a 30 -mile -an -hour zone.

Let me see your license, ma 'am. I can't even find my house key. Here, hold

these.

I saw you hiding behind the golden arches at McDonald's.

And everybody in the neighborhood knows that's a speed trap.

So you know darn well I wasn't going over 30 miles an hour.

Lady, I clocked you doing 34 miles per hour.

On what? Your Mickey Mouse speedometer?

Look, just put these groceries someplace and excuse me. I really have to go

somewhere. Watch that step. It's a ruler.

Are you all right? Yes, I'm all right.

Good, good. Now, you really have to excuse me. Ma 'am, your license.

Look, I've been shopping all day for food values at Bohack's, the A &P, Fine

Ass, and Big Bear.

I haven't had a minute to sit down, so when I say I really have to go, I really

have to go.

Not when I ordered you to stay.

You know a lot about women, don't you?

In my condition, I couldn't even walk a straight line.

Look, ma 'am, would you consider giving a ticket to a dead person?

No. No. All right, then pick up the groceries, put them somewhere, and let

to the powder room and save my life.

next door and... No, come to think of it, I am the housekeeper next door.

I'll go over there and send the housekeeper that works here back home.

hey. Come back here. Come here.

What's the name of the lady that lives here?

Mrs. Finley.

Maude Finley. I feel better. I didn't even have time to take off my coat.

I know God invented trees, but believe me, he also had something to do with

indoor plumbing.

Oh, Florida, I'm so glad you're here. Florida, this officer has been trying to

accuse me of speeding in my own neighborhood.

Now, you have driven with me a thousand times, Florida. You know I do not speed.

Now, will you tell him?

Lady, I ain't never seen you before in my life.

God will get you for that.

Well, if it's between God and the man, Miss Finley,

My chances with God.

You have to excuse her. I mean, she was really frightened of you. You know how

it is, born and raised in the ghetto. Yeah, I know all about that. Now, how

about your license?

Come on now, honey. I mean, you really can't be serious.

I'm perfectly serious.

And I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me honey.

I'm an officer of the law.

Oh, that's sweet.

That really is very sweet.

From now on, I shall call you officer of the law.

Now, officer of the law, in your heart, you know that I was not speeding. You

were exceeding the speed limit.

34 miles per hour in a 30 -mile zone. That is not true. I never speed. I'd

it on a stack of Bibles. I do not speed. But, officer, even if I were, do you

mean that you would give me a ticket for a measly four -mile -an -hour

violation? I mean, that's real chicken.

And I don't mean delight.

I'm going to make one last request for your license. All right, all right, all

right. My license is in my bag here. It'll take me a while to find it, so why

don't you sit down and make yourself comfortable.

On second thought, what the hell are you doing for me? Stand up and be

uncomfortable.

And take off your hat.

I prefer my hat when I'm on duty.

Not in a home, young man. It is very, very bad manners in a home. Or don't

teach you that at the police station?

Now take off your hat.

That's better.

Well, you're... You're a baby.

Ma 'am, I want that license.

You're a pussycat.

Stop that.

I'm sorry, officer, but I cannot get over that baby pussycat face.

Ma 'am, you'll have to forgive me, officer. It's just that, you know, all

All my life, policemen have been older than me.

And then suddenly, they were all younger than me.

I mean, you're not just young, you're a baby. I bet you couldn't even grow a

mustache. I could, too.

Now, you hear this good, lady.

I'm 26 years old. I've been on the force for three years.

And I'm forthwith demanding.

Your license. Is that clear?

Tell me, dear, would you like some milk and cake?

What kind of cake?

Here's your purse. Now give me that license.

Tell me, why would such a pussycat face be making such trouble for a woman old

enough to be his mother?

You know, I hate you.

But you are a pussycat face.

I suppose you'd like some Hawaiian pie. What?

What?

No.

It makes my tongue red.

I notice you're writing with your left hand.

It's a sign of very bad early toilet training.

No wonder you're such a stinker about it.

like you to meet Officer Cosgrove. You're getting another ticket?

She was exceeding the speed limit, ma 'am.

Oh, Carol, I swear to you, this time I'm innocent.

Look, Mother, I believe you, but I've been out all day without a minute to sit

down, and I've got to go.

Mother, I've got to go.

Look, I can't believe you're getting another ticket. You can't. What about

can't believe it either, and for a lousy four miles an hour.

a pussycat face like that and a chicken heart live in the same body.

How about some milk and Twinkies?

Twinkies?

Sign this.

Never. I'll go to jail first.

Lady, you're going an awful long way to beat a traffic ticket. Because I am

innocent!

Now, you have all... stage you're welcome. I'd appreciate it if you'd

home. Not until you sign this ticket. Look, I am not going to sign it. I mean,

even you with your tiny, niggling, picky mind can see that I cannot sign that

when I am innocent.

This is no admission of guilt, ma 'am. Well, what do you call it then?

It's a formality.

You can still protest your innocence.

Do you mean that?

Yes. I mean, you're really sure of that?

Yes. Cross my heart and hope.

This is for you, ma 'am.

Goodbye, ma 'am.

That's it? Bip -bam, goodbye, ma 'am?

You pipsqueak kid, you.

You force your way into my home, you worm your way into my heart, and then

leave me with a lousy ticket.

Go on, sneak out of here.

I'll bet your mother's at home right now wondering where she went wrong.

Many Twinkies!

I'm bored.

I'm afraid to.

Marty, I swear that was a motorcycle cop I saw just now leaving here. With you

yelling at him? For a very good reason.

With the city teeming with criminals, that fuzzy -cheeked servant of the

gave me a speeding ticket.

Oh.

Not another ticket.

What a shame, Marty.

And you're such a sterling driver.

Goodness knows how many citations you have to prove it.

Will you do me a favor, Arthur?

Jump in your golf bag and play with your niblick.

You know, Mort, I don't think you can take another violation.

I think last time you had eight points, and this is going to put you over the

top. He's right, Mother. You have eight points. This ticket means your license

will be suspended.

That's ridiculous, Carol. I mean, this is the very first speeding ticket I have

ever had.

I mean, all the others were for things like U -turns, one -way streets, junk

like that.

You know, but this, I mean, I'll go to court before I pay it. If it's your word

against a traffic cop, you haven't got a chance, Marty.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do, though.

You know that old song, Love Thy Neighbor? Yeah, that dropped out of the

the day you moved next door.

Marty, it was just my way of saying that I think maybe I can help you in this

case. I think maybe I can get that ticket adjusted.

Adjusted?

You mean fixed, don't you, Arthur?

Arthur, you mean the old fixeroo.

Well, it's rather a crude way of putting it, but yes.

Let's call it a favor through a friend.

Arthur Harmon of all the vile, insulting suggestions.

Arthur, you have hit a new high in Lowe's. I like that. I have just told

that I'm completely innocent of this violation. I'm trying to help you. And

you're suggesting that I try to bribe my way out of it? No. It's an insult. Tell

him, Walter. Fix the ticket, Arthur.

Walter, there's an old Italian saying.

Why take a chance on losing your license, Walter? Why? Why?

Why? Because, number one, I am innocent, and this is America.

I mean, did Patrick Henry say, give me liberty, or maybe we can work something

out?

Lord, be reasonable.

What is reasonable? It's a matter of principle, and I swear to you, if I have

to, I'm going to take it right up to the Supreme Court. Maude, I usually agree

with you, especially on matters of principle, but this time, I must advise,

you're being very foolish.

Thank you, Walter.

Thank you.

And when they add those words to that great book of advice in the sky, remind

to have an umbrella.

Because all of heaven is going to upchuck.

I am going to court.

No, you are not. You are going to court.

Choice,

Ward. You will lose your license.

to be a party. No, they will take the policeman's words against yours. You

have to listen to me. Walter, I am innocent. Will you please listen to me

second? If they take away your license, can you imagine what life is going to be

like around here?

Whenever you want to go shopping, you'll have to go down a highway and hitch a

ride.

Carol, make me a poster. The A &P or bus.

Hey, I'm leaving now.

Thank heaven. Listen, Florida, my entire family is against me. Please tell me

that you agree with me.

Miss Finley, you only want what us blacks want.

Real justice.

Thank you, Florida.

But the idea of you not having a car and being home with me all day?

No, ma 'am.

Fix the ticket.

At it, girls, Florida. Now, will you please let Arthur handle things?

No.

That's all right, Monty. That's all right. There's no skin off my nose. I

to your whole attitude about the traffic ticket anyway.

That's typical of your attitude toward the police.

They're always wrong, and you're always right.

But I am right.

See, that's typical. That's a typical example of the breakdown of law and

Arthur, what does all of this have to do with law and order?

What does this all have to do with law and order?

Marty, you don't understand the American system.

Now, the policeman represents the law.

Some people get arrested, and that's one side of the scale.

Now, on the other side, there are people who have friends in the right places

who can get things like traffic tickets adjusted.

The order of things.

See? Perfect balance. Law and order.

I have two words for you, Arthur.

One is a verb, and the other is a pronoun.

someplace back there, Arthur. Forget the whole thing, Arthur. Come on, Carol.

Let's fix dinner.

Arthur. Yeah.

Are you sure you can get that ticket fixed? Sure. Just like that. I have a

friend who has a friend. One of those things. Fix it then, Arthur. Please. But

what are you going to do when Maude finds out that it's been taken care of?

Don't you worry about that. I'll handle Maude. You've got courage, old boy.

What are you going to do?

Simple. I'll just blame you.

I am shocked at your driving, Ray.

This is the third time they've been before me, and I find you guilty again

charged. And besides that, I'm fining you $500, and I'm sending you to a

school so that you may learn something about safe driving. And you can bet your

lucky stars, young man, that this court doesn't have the power to punish you any

further, because as far as I'm concerned, I would throw the book at

Punk!

That's the case, and I hope it's the last. It is, Your Honor.

The city vices Mort Finley.

Violation of Motor Code A1130.

Oh, yes, yes, Mr. Finley. Would you approach the bench, please?

A little closer.

I'm Judge Mortimer, Mr. Finley. Yes, I know. I saw your plaque outside.

Thank you. You're very big around here.

Now, Mr. Finley, in view of the circumstances surrounding your little

before the court, I have decided to dismiss the case.

I'm... Was it anything I said?

No, no, no, no. I justified it to the specific case.

I mean, what I said about you being big around here, that I was just trying to

ingratiate myself. I mean, that was a joke. Well, you don't have to ingratiate

yourself, and I know it was a joke.

Well, then let me have my trial, Judge.

Uh, a little closer, Mrs. Finley.

I wasn't even expecting you here today.

But it's my trial. I mean...

Who were you expecting?

Perry Mason?

No, no, I don't think you understand.

But I'm sure if you go home now, someone will explain it to you.

Believe me, I've been at this a long time. I know exactly what I'm doing. Go,

go, go, go, go.

I think I know what you're doing, too. Ah, very well.

And you'd better not do it.

I demand my trial.

You wouldn't dare.

I mean, you couldn't.

Nobody can tell me what to do in my own courtroom.

This dismissal, it's a fix.

Don't say that word.

I know it's a fix.

Please don't say that word.

Mrs. Finley, you must realize that the world isn't made up just of blacks and

whites. No, strike that.

What I'm trying to say is that you have a friend, Mrs. Finley. I know, Arthur

Harmon. I don't know the man. I don't even know the man he knows.

But somewhere down the line, we come to a Mr.

Rudney who owes Dr.

Harmon a favor. Now, I, Mrs. Finley, owe Mr.

Rudney a favor. See?

Rudney owes Harmon. I owe Rudney. But I don't owe you anything.

Mrs. Finley... So let's go on with the trial.

You're making a mockery of the whole judicial system.

May I tell you my story? No, I came here to tell you my story.

I'm the judge. I go first.

Mrs. Finley, I have two daughters. They're 16 and 17.

And they've been playing tennis since they were 8 and 9.

Now, I don't have a tennis court.

We don't make that much money in traffic.

Supreme, yes.

Probe it, maybe. Traffic, no.

So, you see, my daughters have always played tennis on the Rudney Court.

They have a nice court? Oh, it's a beauty.

You see, my daughter's whole social life depends on that tennis court. And it

will for the next three years.

If, Mrs. Finley, you will please let me do this one little favor for Mr.

Rodney. Please.

Please.

Judge, I've heard your argument and...

After due consideration, I'm afraid that I must rule against it. Oh, no.

Judge Moderman, please, please.

Now, look at it this way. I mean, wouldn't we both prefer living in a

where favors cannot be sold?

No.

All right. You'll have your trial, Mr. Finley.

Call the officer to the stand.

Officer, my contract to the stand, please.

Raise your right hand.

You swear to all evidence you've given the matter pertaining to this trial

be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I do?

Be seated.

All right, officer. Tell us what happened.

At 5 .28 p .m. Friday last, I followed the defendant four blocks up Hazleton

three down Conway, clocking her speed at 34 miles per hour. I have that all

here. As the court knows. The court knows. The court knows.

In that area, it's 30 miles per hour. Get to the apprehending. The

At 5 .32 p .m., I apprehended the defendant and ticketed her accordingly

exceeding the speed limit. Good.

Now, you're positive she was doing 34 miles an hour?

Absolutely. Look.

I've seen you kids on those motorcycles.

They bounce up and down.

The speedometer, doesn't it jiggle a lot? You know, give or take four miles

hour? No, sir. Four miles an hour? What are you trying to be, some kind of a

chicken something?

Not at all.

The lady was exceeding the speed limit. Oh, you're an impossible kid.

Mrs. Finley, maybe you'd like to cross -examine? Maybe you can do something

her. Thank you.

It's about time, Your Honor. Now, tell me, Officer Cosgrove, you're an

eager young patrolman, aren't you? I take my duties very seriously, if that's

what you mean. No, that is not what I mean. I mean that maybe in your

you made a mistake, and it wasn't me you saw speeding at all.

Oh, it was you, all right. I couldn't miss that gray hair.

Watch it, Cosgrove.

Now, Officer Cosgrove, tell me, pussycat, did you... Don't call me that.

Oh, I upset him. I upset that pussycat baby face.

I told you not to call me that.

This is a courtroom, and I'm a police officer testifying here.

And you're doing very well, except that you're a little nervous.

Not at all.

I'm just sick and tired of being called a baby face.

That's all I get from you women drivers.

Aha! Women drivers!

Drivers, you have it in for women drivers, don't you? No, not at all.

Some of my best friends are women drivers. My mother's a woman driver.

Your mother, that's what's bothering you.

I didn't say anything was bothering me.

How'd you like to be called a baby face all your life? Oh, I wouldn't mind. I'd

like it.

26 years old, born on 27, as I previously testified.

Your mother calls your baby face, doesn't she?

Who told you that?

If I ever find a person that told you that, you'll wait and see.

Officer, are you all right?

Officer. Your Honor.

I'm in no composure to deal with this.

Maybe she was doing dirty.

Motorcycles jiggle, you know.

Maybe I am a chicken.

Let's say she was doing 30.

Even less.

Yeah. You may step down, officer.

Officer Cosgrove, you will come by and see us once in a while.

I'll come by when I damn well feel like it.

Mr. Finley, you've had the courage to come into court and fight for what you

believe. In the eyes of this court, which is to say my eyes, you have proved

your innocence, and I find you not guilty.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, Your Honor. Thank God.

Billy, you still have several violations for parking outstanding.

They come to $30.

Yes, I know. Just a minute.

Judge, I mean, you are...

Absolutely sure. I mean, about my innocence.

I'm sure. I'm sure. I'm positive.

However, with some penalties for tardiness, et cetera, et cetera, it

$37 .50. Just a minute, Baylor. Judge, I mean, it's not one of those tennis

court things or anything like that because I don't want that. You're

Mrs. Finley.

Innocent! Take these, Mrs. Finley, and go to the cashier at room 206. Oh,

would you do me a favor? Look, I've been to 206. There's always a long line

there. Look, here's the money. With your uniform, you can just go around the

block and pay it for me.

Judge. I really want to thank you. I mean, for making me believe again in one

justice for all and no favors for anyone.

Miss Bingley, I don't have the time to go down to room 206.

Here's an extra five.

I mean, two minutes isn't going to cost you your job.

I really feel ashamed of myself.

I never should have asked Arthur to try to fix that ticket.

You were innocent, and I should have had more faith in you, and I hope you'll

accept my apology.

Oh, come on, Walter, sweetheart. I mean, there's no need to apologize.

It all evens itself out. I mean, sometimes you're wrong and I'm right,

sometimes I'm right and you're wrong.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.