Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right on, Maud.

Will you please move your way?

Don't you have anything to do out there?

Now you just stop that and get out of my kitchen, Mr. Finlay. All right, all

right, all right. Get ready for a party with you messing with my hot hors d

'oeuvres. You practically killed off the meatball and the thing landed.

Oh, come on, Florida. There was one meatball hanging over the platter, and I

scooped it up just before it fell.

Yeah, you come back into my kitchen once more, and I'm going to chop off your

scooper.

I'm beginning to know what they mean by black power.

How's your mother bearing up, Carol?

Are you kidding?

You know Mother when she's giving a party. She worries herself sick over

little detail.

Yeah. I'll bet tonight she's going to be as nervous as a long -tailed cat in a

room full of rockers.

That doesn't sound like you, Walter. It wasn't. I heard it on Hee Haw.

You know, Carol, I'm worried about your mother. This is the most important party

she's ever thrown.

I know. That's why she's taking so long to get ready.

Every time I go upstairs, she's putting her eyelashes on again.

I finally got my lashes on. On my nose.

Where is the cleaner with my dress? He's had it for over a week. I'll kill him.

Take it easy, Maude. It's only 7 .30. Nobody's due until 8. Don't you think I

know that?

Look, Walter, I have 30 people coming tonight. Now, please, get off my back.

Well, I'm sorry, dear, but there's no reason for you to be tense.

Tense? Tense? Me tense?

I have just taken two Miltown, the greatest tranquilizer known to man, and

tell me I'm tense?

Carol, is the food all ready, Walter? Has the bartender come yet? Mother,

mother, relax.

Everything's taken care of. The bartender will be here any minute. Oh,

you, dear. And thank you for leaving work early to help out.

I need you both.

And I know I can count on you because I have the world's sweetest husband and

the world's dearest daughter.

What the hell's with the floral arrangement?

I turned my back for 30 seconds. The place is a shambles. Carol, put that

there. Walter, bring that down there.

What happened to the dearest husband and sweetest daughter you were blessed

with? I don't know. Easy come, easy go.

Look, I know I'm a little bit hysterical tonight, but I've never given a party

like this. Do you realize who's coming tonight? The important people? The

Fergusons? The Kennys? Mother, don't have to worry.

They couldn't care less about the party. That's not where it's at.

I'm giving a party for one of the most important black militant leaders in the

country, and you're telling me where it's at?

Did I tell you to bring the McKennies? And the Kennies once gave a telethon $5

,000 just to talk on the phone with Julius La Rosa.

Oh, I'm as nervous as a long -tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

Don't look at me. I heard it on the Dean Martins show.

It's been layabout, this outfit.

I am not a French maid, and I ain't never gonna look like no French maid.

This thing ain't no apron. It's a doily.

Florida Evans, what the hell are you doing here tonight? I told you you are

supposed to be here.

Mother.

Really, sometimes I question your social sensitivity, all three of you. Oh,

Mother, for heaven's sake. Do you really want Jim Chambers to think that he is

in a typical middle -class home where we use black people to do the work that

white people won't do? But he will be in a typical middle -class home where we

use black people to do the work that white people won't do.

God will get you for that.

Will you listen to me?

he called while you were upstairs putting your eyelashes on your nose.

The woman that they were sending to serve tonight got tomaine poisoning at a

party she served last night.

So I asked Florida to stay.

Carol, don't you realize that the black servant is the symbol of everything that

black militants like Jim Chambers detest in our society?

It's the Aunt Jemima image all over again. You calling me Aunt Jemima?

Black God will get you for that.

It won't be the first time. Look, Mrs. Finlay, I work for a living, my husband

is a fireman, and together we're bringing up three beautiful black kids.

Now, if there's anything Aunt Jemima in that, I'll eat it.

Florida, I'll pay you nothing. to work tonight. I can't risk offending him by

having a black serving. I'm trying to raise at least $15 ,000 for his various

activities. Woman, if you could raise $15 ,000 for Jim Chambers, he ain't

care if the Harlem Globetrotters is serving.

Well, anyway, it's a good excuse to get out of this uniform.

Sometimes I think black on black is worse than white on white.

Oh, by the way, Mort, your invitation should have said that this was a

fundraising party.

Walter, people do not go to fundraising parties.

They're tired of them.

How can you raise $15 ,000 on a lie?

Because, Walter, this isn't just any lie.

This is a really big one.

Marty, Marty, Marty!

Have no fear. Your favorite next -door neighbor is here. Look, Arthur, do not

start with me. I am already two miles past hysteria and rapidly approaching

berserk.

I know that, Marty.

Walter told me you needed something to calm you down, so I brought you a

tranquilizer, Valium. But I just took two Miltown. And she's still as nervous

a long -tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

Figured it was my turn, that's all.

I heard it on Sonny and Cher.

We'll save the Valium till later, Marty. I think the mill town will hold you for

a while. I hope so, Arthur. Arthur, do you realize the guest list coming

tonight? Yes, I heard the Armstrongs, the Hilliards, the Jeffersons, the

LaRoses. They're a little mixed up there all. Never mind, Walter. He's been

mixed up since birth. That's my reward.

That's my reward for bringing you a tranquilizer, huh? An insult. No, that's

all the things you're thinking about my having a black militant guest in this

house. Oh!

Oh, well, in that case, I think you can afford to insult me a little more.

Because Mr.

Jim Chambers happens to be one of the worst...

Maud!

Sit!

Now, Arthur, Maud's in trouble enough with this party. I don't want her upset

any more than she is, understand?

And as for you, Maud, the first guest hasn't even arrived and already you're a

total wreck.

You've got to leave a little falling apart for later.

And before your next attempt at peacemaking, may I remind you who

sides of our electric blanket.

Oh, oh, oh, there goes the old bleeper.

I better go home and call my servers.

But I'll be back for the party.

Take your time, Arthur. Take your time. If you don't get back at all, we'll

understand.

I know that, Marty. That's why I'm coming back. If it kills me. On those

I'll accept.

I really don't know why you had to invite him tonight, Walter. I need him

bad case of shingles.

Hello? No, this is not Mr.

Findley. This is Mrs. Findley. Yeah, Mr. Findley has a mustache.

Mr.

Jack? Oh, I'm... I'm terribly sorry.

I didn't recognize your voice.

Oh, but that's impossible.

No, you simply have to come.

Yes.

Yes, I do understand.

Yes, thank you for calling.

because these aren't your average guests.

They're black, aren't they, Mother? Yes. So they're black and they can't come.

What's so tragic? You act like they're supposed to bring the ice.

Walter, how can I have a party with a black guest of honor and not one single

black guest?

Maybe you should have invited two black couples, Maude.

That's right, Maude. You should always have a backup black.

find a black guest at this hour. Try the yellow pages.

Aren't they just for Orientals?

Hurry! Hurry!

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Walter, I know there was a black man at our table

at the Astons the other night, right?

There was.

The waiter.

Listen, Mother, a token black guest is not going to mean that much to Jim

Chambers. Thank you for the advice, Carol.

Look, I know there was a black couple at one of the parties we attended

recently. He was a college professor or something.

Was it at Marsha Higgins?

Marsha Higgins? No, I don't think so. Her bag is American Indians.

Wait a minute. It was at the party the week before at the Franklins. Yes.

I can see them before me right now.

Short, fat, black, and boring.

Maude, don't tell me because a couple is black they can't be boring.

I didn't say that. Look.

Walter, just call Sam Franklin on the phone, invite them over, and tell them

bring that charming black couple. The boring one. You want me to do that?

Walter, I have a thousand details on my mind. Can't you do one simple thing for

me? I'd rather do the other $999.

You do the simple one.

You live with a family.

You give them your life.

You ask practically nothing in return. What do you get?

Where did I go wrong?

What did I do to deserve it? That's what I want to know.

Somebody, somewhere... Hello, Diane.

Yeah, this is Maude Findlay.

Yeah, Walter and I are giving a little last -minute get -together tonight. We

wondered if you and Sam could come.

You can?

Oh, wonderful!

They can come.

By the way, Diane, you remember that charming black couple that we met at

house a couple weeks ago?

Yeah. Do you suppose you could bring them along with you?

But, Diane, how can you suggest such a thing?

No, I am not calling at the last minute because I want you to bring the black

couple. No, I mean, if all I wanted was the black couple, I'd simply call the

black couple.

Diane, what a terrible thing to say.

What'd she say?

She said to call the black couple.

Mrs. Maud, you're not going to find a black in time for tonight's party. I am

not going to give up so easily, Walter. There has to be at least one black guest

at this party.

Miss Finley.

I'm leaving now.

One of Jim Chambers' aides.

What? Wait, wait. They're getting off at Route 202 at Sunnydale. Yeah, yeah.

They'll be here in exactly 12 minutes.

Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Say hello to the

party. Yeah, say hello.

Yes, they say hello to you.

Fine. Bye -bye, Jim Chambers' aide.

What an idiot.

Oh, Maude, what a night.

Well, thank you, dear. You know, you do things so nicely. Thank you. I just

don't know how you manage it. Well, what can I tell you, Mrs. Jenkins?

Entertaining comes second nature to me.

Arthur, I've got to have a tranquilizer. Give me the bathroom.

But, Marty, you had Miltown less than two hours ago. I know, and it calmed me

down a lot. I am calm, am I not, Arthur?

You're breaking my watch.

Pardon me.

Could you tell me where the bathroom is?

But certainly, I live here. This is my home.

Of course I can tell you where the bathroom is.

Out to the valley.

Maybe I better give you five milligrams.

What?

Walter, what happened? Did the meatballs burn?

The salad went limp? No. No, really,

Walter, I just wanted to tell you what a great party it is. Look, Walter, do me

a favor. If you don't have anything bad to say, keep quiet.

I really don't think that I need this tranquilizer. Do you, Arthur?

Mother?

How do you think the party's going, Carol?

Oh, it's a wonderful party. Everybody's having a ball. A lot you know.

What was in that pill you just took? Oh, Arthur just gave me a tranquilizer to

calm me down.

As if I needed it.

Give me the drink. No, no. No, you've had no power in value. You can't have a

drink, too.

Did you hear a ding -dong?

Take my glass.

You know who that is? It's the Fergusons. They're bringing the Kennys.

the ones who gave $5 ,000 to talk to Julius La Rosa.

Well,

Mr. and Mrs.

Ferguson, and you, dear people, must be the William Kennys.

Walter!

Walter, are the William Kennys loaded?

Oh, of course, dear, in the upstairs bathroom below the sink, in

the cabinet to the right side.

Isn't it always the way, though?

You wait and wait and wait and then it happens, right in the middle of a party.

Yes, and I still haven't found it. So nice seeing you again.

You have another guest coming down the stairs.

Let's do this.

Why, Mrs.

Dubonnet, there you are.

You disappeared. Everybody,

everybody, I'd like you to meet my very dear friend, Mrs. Florida Dubonnet.

I guess.

Sorry, dear, I'd like you to meet Mr.

Ferguson, who was kind enough to bring with him tonight Mr.

William Kenny.

Oh, the love.

drank a tumbler of scotch.

With all the pills in her, what could happen?

With Maude?

Anything, Walter. Anything.

Fellow liberals!

Fellow liberals!

And Arthur.

May I have your attention, please?

First, I want to tell you that black militant Jim Chambers will be here in...

I do want to tell you how very honored my dear husband Walter and I are to have

you all in our home tonight.

Especially Mr. and Mrs. William Kenney.

And third, from Rodgers and Hammerstein's immortal South Pacific,

my version of Some Enchanted Evening.

Some Enchanted

should have another announcement for you, I'll let you know.

What I'll do is I'll probably shout, announcement, announcement!

Thanks for your attention.

Walter, you deliberately interrupted my speech to the ensemble.

What speech? You were beginning to sing some enchanted evening.

Listen, Walter, I'm getting very worried about Florida.

She's acting strange.

Is that so?

She thinks she's not Mrs. Dubonnet.

I will, as soon as I can get away.

One more thing, Walter.

I love you.

Now, leave me the hell alone.

Mrs. Dubonnet, you know, it's way past 12 minutes. Where is this Chambers

fellow?

Where is he?

Ladies and gentlemen, please, quiet, quiet, folks.

He'll be here in less than four minutes.

While we're waiting, tell me, how many of you have read his brand new book,

Us Colorado?

I read it, Marty.

You don't count on it. Oh, you say I don't count. That's because you don't

everyone to know that Jim Chambers has gone mad.

In his book, Give Us Colorado, he wants the United States to give the entire

state of Colorado to the blacks.

Colorado?

Well,

isn't that where Aspen is? That's right.

Oh, what the hell with him?

Blacks don't ski.

Quiet,

quiet. Everybody, everybody, listen.

If you would really like to know about Mr.

Chambers and the entire black experience from an expert, allow me to present my

very dear friend and a true black herself, Mrs.

Florida Dubonnet.

Now, let her through, because she's a guest.

Florida, dear, before Mr. Chambers comes, perhaps you would share with us

of your vast black experience.

What do you mean, share the black experience? I am the black experience.

We know, Florida, but don't you agree that there are some blacks who really

don't know who they are?

Maybe so.

But when they find out, it won't be at a white cocktail party.

It seems to me that I've seen this Mrs. Dubonnet somewhere before.

Maybe you ought to tell everybody who she really is.

You want to know?

You really want to know?

Who is Mrs. Dubonnet, you ask?

I have a better question, Arthur Harmon.

Who is you?

I'm going to tell you who Mrs.

Dubonnet really is.

Maude. Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Dubonnet is a visitor from a

far -off land.

She is a proud native of a newly emerging black nation.

Yeah. Harlem.

And while we're on Harlem, I'd like to get back to Mr. Jim Chambers.

Now, I saw him on the Cabot show, you see, and he's one kind of guy.

Amiable, quiet, content.

But you read his book, Give Us Colorado, and the man's a savage.

Yes, as a writer, but in a living room, he's charming, particularly at a

fundraising party for him.

Fundraising party?

Did she say fundraising party?

There is nothing in my invitation that says anything about fundraising. And

there was a very good reason for that, Mr. Ferguson. If I had mentioned

fundraising, none of you would have come.

Well, I'm tired of being invited to parties and then getting my pockets

Oh, come on, Kenny. With a personality like yours, why else would you be

invited?

Judy, I think it's time for us to leave.

And don't forget your purse.

Now, people, listen. Jim Chambers will be here in one minute. Why don't we all

count down together?

Come on. Fifty -nine, fifty -eight, fifty... See, you're not counting.

Fifty -five, fifty... This is all your fault, Arthur.

My fault? Well, that's gratitude.

Good night, Walter.

Good night, Walter. I never want you back in this house again. You ruined my

party. Three things ruined your party, Marty.

Your deceit, your lies... and your singing.

I hope your stethoscope gets stuck up your ears.

I

found it.

Walter, where's Carol?

She drove Florida home.

Just the two of us.

What are we going to do, Walter?

Announcement. Announcement, Maud.

There's just one of us. I'm going to bed.

What do you mean you're going to bed? He's going to be here any minute.

An evening with Maude.

Good

morning.

Hi, honey.

How did it go last night?

Very well. I didn't even need you.

Oh? We had a long talk about his lifestyle, his philosophy, and even

didn't agree with everything, it was really fascinating.

So as far as I'm concerned, the evening was a complete success.

And it was a complete success for Jim Chambers, too.

It was?

He raised $1 ,000.

Maud was recorded on tape before a live audience.