Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Angel Platt, she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's my...

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Philip?

Philip?

Oh, he's out in the backyard playing.

Where's Walter? He's in the den watching football.

It's a great day in Indiana for atheists.

What do you mean?

Well, Notre Dame is playing Southern Methodist and God is making it rain.

Oh, honey, you want to split a sandwich?

I don't know. What kind is it? Gee, I don't know. The making's come out of one

of those little plastic containers that seem to pile up in the refrigerator.

It's either tuna fish or chicken salad or very old rice pudding.

No thanks, Mother. I'm not hungry.

Oh, not again if that thing rings one more time today.

Hello?

Yes, Helen, I know all about that hurricane in the Caribbean, and for

me of it, I wish you were in it. Bye -bye.

How could the weather bureau do that to me?

Naming that thing Hurricane Maud.

Now you know how I felt when they named the other one Carol.

But at least they didn't describe you as attacking the naval base at Guantanamo.

I'd better get Philip for lunch.

Ma! Ma!

Congratulations.

I've seen the paper. You missed the mainland and blew out to sea.

Arthur, I do not find it funny that men name hurricanes after women.

But we do it out of love, Marty.

It's traditional. Man has always named the things in life he cherishes most

female names.

His flag and country, ships at sea, and his national disasters.

You know, Arthur, since you're a doctor, they should name a rash after you.

You have all the charm and personality of prickly heat.

Marty, Marty. Is that any way to speak to a neighbor?

Marty, do you know that nobody has called me Marty since my Aunt Gertrude?

At age 14, I put a curse on her. 33 years later, she died.

So when you're 80, watch it.

Hi, Mark. You want to watch the game with me?

That's what I came over for.

Oh, oh, I also wanted to check Marty out on Proposition 17.

It's on the November ballot, you know.

Well, of course I know.

And you're for it?

Naturally.

So you must be against it. It follows as the night unto the day. I thought so.

Oop, that's for me.

I better go home and call my service.

Wait a minute, Art.

Can I see that thing?

Yeah.

I'll be darned.

It just goes to show you what good old American know -how and a Japanese

can do.

What is it?

That's my electronic bleeper.

When a patient needs me, my answering service bleeps me, and I call in.

I better go.

Good.

And I wish you a life full of bleeps, Arthur.

Sure, I can't change your mind on Proposition 17, Marty.

No. And let me make that perfectly clear.

Oh, I dig it, Mr. Nixon.

Marty, Marty.

Stick to the murky, muddled metaphors of Mr. McGovern.

Marty.

selfish is reason.

Lord, Arthur's been my best friend for longer than I've known you.

And you know how I do it? By setting a very low standard for friendship.

By never discussing politics.

He's a conservative, but he's also a nice guy, and I wish you'd stop arguing

with him all the time. And with Arthur, it is not a matter of arguing.

It's a matter of trying to re -educate a sick mind.

What are you doing? I'm looking through the League of Women Voters pamphlet. I

want to find out what...

Proposition 17 is.

You don't know?

No, but I wasn't about to admit it to Arthur.

I'll rip his heart out!

What is it? There is no Proposition 17!

Don't laugh. What a lousy trick.

Just play in your room, Philip. We'll talk about it later.

That son of mine. Okay, what's he done now?

I just found Philip behind the garage with Angela.

You mean Arthur's granddaughter?

Yes. Both of them standing there without a stitch of clothing on, looking.

For what?

Philip said they were playing doctor.

Oh, how adorable.

I wonder what that kid will think of next.

I think he already has.

The doctor doesn't hear about this.

Mom!

Carol!

There is no God.

Prepare yourself for a shock.

My granddaughter, Angela, age seven, visiting with her grandfather for a few

innocent hours of fun, has just informed me that she's been playing doctor with

your Phillip out behind the garage. We know about that. You know.

Well, look at it this way, Arthur. Philip admires you. He was trying to

you. Then see that he has a nurse in the room the next time he's examining

patients.

I want that boy properly punished.

For what? For being interested in his body?

No, for being interested in my granddaughter.

What are you trying to do? Make a couple of eight -year -olds ashamed of their

bodies?

This is a question of morality, Maude.

The boy must be punished.

Well, shall we leave him stranded out in the desert, or would a simple

crucifixion be enough?

Ma, that is blasphemy. No, what's blasphemy is your attitude toward the

body. One of his masterworks. I see the situation here.

This is a permissive household in a permissive society.

The moral decay of this country increases by the minute, and you won't

finger to do anything about it. Carol, if the future of the country depends on

it, spank the kid.

Walter, that is not funny. And Arthur, leave it to you to twist the innocence

a couple of eight -year -olds looking at their own bodies. Each other's bodies.

That's even lovelier.

How can you twist that into a comment on the moral decay in our society?

I'm not twisting it.

Just go back to 1951 when Joe McCarthy found the State Department permeated

homosexuals.

Joe McCarthy?

He's doing it again, Walter.

that there were homosexuals in the State Department in 1951.

Arthur, you are off the subject. That's your whole answer. I'm off the subject.

The entire country is getting sicker and sicker with pornography, dirty films,

wife swapping. I think I'm losing my mind, Walter. All right, I'll ask you

more time.

Do you or do you not deny that in 1951...

The State Department was riddled with homosexuals.

Arthur, the State Department was also riddled with heterosexuals. There were

plenty of problems there, too, believe me.

Arthur, will you please get back on the track?

Burt Reynolds doing a nude centerfold.

I told you I was losing my mind. I could have sworn I heard something about Burt

Reynolds and a centerfold. You start with permissivity.

You continue with sex education in the schools.

and you wind up with Burt Reynolds lying naked in a magazine with a staple in

his belly.

Now, I've said it before, and I'll say it again.

This country is going to hell on a toboggan.

You figured that out, did you, Arthur?

Visit Walter, get him a fish from the freezer, and let him jump in with the

seals.

Arthur, the country is in trouble because of attitudes like yours. And by

way, did I hear an attack on sex education in the schools this year?

You bet you did. I want sex education back in the home where it belongs. Well,

then why wasn't it taught there? Why did our whole generation have to learn it

in the street?

That's where I learned it, Morton. You never complain.

Where is it going to end?

That's what I want to know.

The other day I was standing in the supermarket.

Picking over some lettuce, actually.

When this 13 -year -old girl rushed up to her mother standing next to me.

You know what the child asked her?

Do you?

Do you want to know what the child asked her?

No, but you're going to tell us anyway.

The child asked her.

Mommy, do you and Daddy play Switchies?

Now, the child asked that question because she had just been reading one of

those paperbacks that sent you with somebody or other at the book rack where

anybody of any age can pick up any filthy thing and peruse it until he

pervert. Arthur, come on. You're working yourself into a fit. I came in here in

a fit, Martin.

Now, I'm asking you people for the last time, what are you prepared to do about

that boy?

I will talk to him, Arthur. I will explain to him that you were upset

you hold different attitudes.

But I am not going to punish him.

Well, that's it for America, huh?

Pornography, drug culture, crime industry.

in the streets. Arthur, do you realize we have just gone from two kids playing

doctor to crime in the streets?

Arthur, my son is not a criminal. And it was not in the streets. It was behind

the garage.

Mother, that has nothing to do with anything.

Carol, do not criticize the way I fight. But you're playing right into Arthur's

head. Carol, as a loving mother to a daughter, butt out.

We are talking about my son. I will not butt out.

Arthur, you are so...

and about the human body, too. One of the wonders of the universe.

A divine creation. Don't you hide behind words like divine creation with me,

Maude Finlay.

You know what you are? You're all a bunch of degenerates.

A bunch of degenerates? How dare you?

I will never set foot in this house again. And if you do, it'll be...

Hurricane Maude has struck again.

If you felt so strongly, why didn't you call us? I mean, why didn't you? Hold

it, Will. You could have picked up the telephone.

Will you listen to me?

I called you twice last week.

You did?

Yeah.

And both times, Maude answered and I had to hang up.

Arthur, was that you?

dumb you hung up on me.

Holy smoke.

You know, one of you two got to raise your voice an octave so we can tell you

lot of parts.

Walter, let me ask you something.

Do you know the toughest thing about being a doctor?

It's turning off the old God thing when you leave the office at night.

The God thing?

See, it's the patience, Walter.

All day long, people come into my office thinking that I hold their life in my

hands.

In fact, some of them idolize me.

Who else do they feel that way about?

God.

So it's you and God, huh?

But I do try to turn it off. Now, here's the question.

Do I succeed in turning off the God thing?

Do I, Walter?

You're a little smug, Arthur.

And you do pontificate a lot. Come on, the God thing.

I idolize you.

Right now, sitting here, see?

Have I got the God thing turned off?

Let me put it this way to you, Arthur.

Sitting here, looking at you now, the last thing in the world I would think of

is a divinity.

Very nice of you.

No, no, I appreciate it.

See, because Sheila, that's my daughter -in -law.

Well, my son, too, for that matter.

They say I don't turn the God thing off.

when I leave the office.

They say that a visit from me is more like, um, you know, dissension from the

mount.

I'm really just an ordinary fellow.

Quite ordinary, Arthur.

You're a good friend.

You know, I really have missed you. Listen, Art.

Now, you said you wouldn't, but you'd step... foot in my house again, wouldn't

you? Sure I would, Walter.

As a matter of fact, I have never told this to another soul, living or dead.

But Mark was right.

Yeah.

I do have a little, you know, hang -up about sex.

My mother and father were both raised in Vermont.

He was a minister and she was a pharmacist. And I was their only issue.

I mean, go fight those odds, fella. You know what I mean?

Listen, I'm going home.

A half hour after I get there, I want you to drop over, okay?

Okay. Good. Wait a minute.

Innkeeper!

Two more for the road.

about it, Mother. He'll be home any minute.

Come on. How do you like my new dress?

Well, I think it's a little short.

I didn't ask you about the length, Mother. I asked you about the dress. I

It's short.

I'm wondering what'll happen if you have to bend over and I'm only your mother.

I walk in with a brand new dress. You see the color, the style, and the fabric

for the first time and that's all you can say is it's short.

Oh, now I know what you want, Carol. About the color, the style, and the

of your dress.

It's short.

You don't like it because you weren't with me when I bought it.

You never let me buy you anything.

The last time I went shopping with you was when we were on our way to

Connecticut and you had to stop for your first bottle of my doll.

That's because no matter what I buy, you don't like it.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry. It has nothing to do with you. I'm just in a rotten mood.

I know. You're upset because Walter is late. Maybe you'd feel better if you

upstairs and put your face on.

I put my face up.

I guess I meant your eyelashes. You look beautiful, Mother. You really do.

It's just the thing with some women. I mean, your eyeliner is on right, your

mascara is on right, but without the eyelashes... My eyelashes are on.

Oh.

You're just trying to get even with me because I said your dress was too short.

Not true.

You just really didn't look like you had your eyelashes on, that's all. After

all, you know you have tiny eyes, Maude.

I see everything you see, and a little more underneath that.

I didn't say you couldn't see, Mother. I said you have small eyes.

Well, I could have had large eyes, but I turned them down.

Anyway, you have no right to criticize my one feature that isn't perfect.

Oh, you bet I am. Dinner is one and a half hours late. The roast is ruined.

And if Walter doesn't get home soon, he will be too.

We had a late meeting. I'm sure of it. And I'm sure it was with Arthur. That's

why I'm so upset.

Evening, one and all.

Oh, Carol, I didn't see you.

Change that to evening, two and all.

If it isn't Mr.

Findlay, the late Mr.

Findlay.

I can't quite put my finger on it, Maude, but something about that remark

doesn't appeal to me.

Maude, I'm not going to ask you if you've been drinking. Your eyes look

beets.

You were drinking with Arthur, weren't you?

Right.

And that reminds me.

He's going to be here soon.

What? Oh, come on.

Walter, even drunk, I expect you to have better judgment than that.

You can't ask that man in here after all the hideous things he said about us.

What about the hideous things you said about him, Maud?

They applied, Walter. The man is hideous.

Mother, you can't really mean that.

I wonder why I said it then.

He said he would never again step foot in this house, and I can only praise the

man of his word.

Men of their word change their minds, Maud.

is the hub goblin of little minds.

I read that somewhere in the ninth grade.

Walter, please do not go back to your childhood.

It is difficult enough dealing with you as an adult.

Now, the man called us a bunch of degenerates.

Plus that he has all those disgusting hang -ups about the human body.

And in this house, we don't have those hang -ups, right?

Speaking for myself, no, I do not.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, Mother, listen.

Sexual and physical hang -ups go with your generation.

With my generation, it's peace, love, and back to nature. No hang -ups here.

No hang -ups here either.

All right.

Since the human anatomy is beautiful,

My clothes.

Oh, Walter. No, you're not. Come on, Walter.

Come on, girl.

Come on, Walter. You've had a little too much. Look, Walter.

Walter. You will continue this charade over my dead body.

Mark, please.

One thing at a time.

It seems like I'm undressing for the thrill.

You're absolutely right.

Maud. My Maud.

You mean that people who live in glass hang -ups

shouldn't grow stones?

Exactly, Maud.

Aren't you degenerate?

Hello?

No, this isn't Mr.

Findlay. It's Mrs. Findlay.

No, Mr. Findlay is too frightened to get out of bed.

Oh, fine. All right, I'll have him call the office the minute he sneaks

downstairs.

I'm going to be late for work. I'll see you later, Mother.

Mother, don't be too hard on Walter for last night. Oh, honey, don't talk to me

about your stepfather. I am so angry with that man, I have already hidden his

Alka -Seltzer.

I was never so humiliated in my life.

I know, I know.

In front of my daughter and your best friend.

I know, I know.

You behaved with no pride, no dignity.

It was beneath contempt.

I know, I know.

There's only one thing I don't know.

What's that? What did I do last night?

Pod was recorded on tape before a live audience.