Original subtitles

Sorry.

I don't speak English very well.

I'm from Roma.

My job, as you can see,

is to see that the traffic move.

I stand up here, and I see everything.

All people.

I see life.

In this city, all is a story.

See that young man 0 over there?

He's a Roman

Michelangelo.

Oh, uh, scusi.

Um, Fontana di Trevi?

Uh, so it's two blocks.

Uh-huh, two blocks.

- And then across the piazza.

- Okay, and that's Piazza Mignanelli...

- No. No. - Okay, no, Piazza di Spagna is this...

- No, so this is Piazza Venezia. - No. Okay.

Okay. Right? - Look, I'll show you.

This is Piazza...

- Yeah, I don't... I don't know.

- Look, you know what?

I'm going that way. I can show you.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.

You speak very good English.

- That's because of my work.

I visit New York often.

- Oh, that's where I'm from. - Oh.

- What do you do? - I'm a lawyer.

- And you are, let me guess, a tourist.

- For the summer. I'm Hayley.

- Hi. Michelangelo. - Hi.

It's been an unbelievable summer.

What you read about in all those romantic novels.

American goes to Rome,

meets handsome Roman at Trevi Fountain.

He's utterly adorable.

Now, Antonio and Milly

were also a young couple in love.

They married in the little town of Pordenone

and came to Rome for their honeymoon

with plans to settle there.

And then there was that well-known American architect

concluding his vacation with a few days in Home.

And, finally,

we meet Leapoldo Pisanello,

an average Roman citizen of the middle class.

Dependable, agreeable, predictable.

Everything happened so fast.

- I can't wait to bring you home

and introduce you to my parents.

- I can't wait to meet them.

This looks delicious.

Buona, Mamma.

- And what do you do, Hayley?

I'm self-employed.

I help clients find art.

My background is in Fine Arts.

He's lawyer.

I'm very proud.

All my children.

I work night and day so they get education.

We want to meet your parents.

They come to Rome?

Well, yes.

As a matter of fact, they're on their way.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we are beginning our descent into Fiumicino Airport in Rome.

We may experience some turbulence.

Please keep your seat belts fastened

and make sure all trays are in an upright position.

Great. Turbulence. My favorite.

- No, if you'd just relax and stop clenching your fists.

- I can't unclench when there's turbulence.

You know I'm an atheist.

I don't like this.

It's bumping. The plane is bumping.

I don't like when it moves like...

- I can't wait to meet her fiance.

- You know, he's a Communist.

- No, there's not even a Communist party here anymore.

No, he's just very, very left.

- Hey, listen, I was very left

when I was his age, too,

but I was never a Communist.

Well... I couldn't share a bathroom.

No, he's not a Communist.

He's just a do-gooder.

- What does it mean, "a do-gooder"?

- Well, he's not into material possessions, you know?

- Well, well, look, if she's going to marry an Italian,

I want her to marry somebody with...

You know, with material possessions,

with a yacht, with a couple of Ferraris,

with a villa in Sardinia.

You know, don't you want our little Hayley

to marry into Eurotrash?

Oh, I don't like it.

I don't like when the plane does that.

- Just stop it. Stop it. - It's not... I can't...

- Just relax. Okay? - I don't like that.

I get a bad feeling in...

- Breathe. - Okay.

Grazie.

Do you like it? - I love it.

- It's late. My uncles and aunts will be here.

We have to hurry.

Will they like me?

What are you worried about?

You're beautiful. Just be yourself. Don't worry.

They're important people. Perhaps a bit severe.

But don't let it throw you, they're nice.

Starting next week I'll be working in their firm...

...and I don't want to say or do anything that could jeopardize...

...his wonderful opportunity they're giving us.

It'll be fine. You'll impress them.

- You think so? - I know so.

About your question on the train, yes, I'll miss Pordenone...

...but this position is too good to turn down.

Think, Milly, if all goes well, we will be living in Rome...

...entering society, having children.

And maybe one day we will own a villa like my uncles.

- I have to get my hair done. I look like a small town school teacher.

I want to look chic.

- It's late. Do you have to go now?

- I'll be right back. - I don't want them waiting for us.

- Okay. But hurry. - I will.

Ciao.

Hurry.

I'm sorry, the salon is booked up.

Is there another one near here?

Exit the hotel, go right, down two blocks and to the left.

Past the archway, on the right, you'll see a small bridge.

Cross the bridge, go left, and you'll see it on the right.

Grazie.

The food is better than Malibu, I'll say that.

- I can't wait to do some sightseeing.

- Oh, John can show us around.

He used to live here.

Oh, God, Carol.

That was 30 years ago. - So?

It must have been great then.

Yeah, it was fabulous.

- I was young and in love and a complete fool.

- But it's the Eternal City. It never changes.

And I, too, want to go see the ruins.

It is Rome, after all.

- All those old ruins just depress me.

I get Ozymandias melancholia.

Besides, I saw it all when I lived here.

- So we'll leave you, and then we'll hook up later.

Okay? Okay.

- I'm just not a good sightseer.

I prefer just to walk the little streets.

”Ozymandias melancholia. "

Where'd you get that phrase?

What...

Excuse me, are you... Are you John Foy?

- Yes. How did you know that?

- No, I recognized your picture from the Herald Tribune.

You design all those shopping malls.

- That's how you think of me?

No, I'm an architect.

Studying to be, anyhow.

- Really? - Yeah.

You working on a project in Rome?

No, a vacation.

I lived in Rome for a year when I was your age.

Really? Where?

Here... Trastevere.

Yeah, I live here.

I'm on Via dei Neofiti.

- That's my old stomping ground.

I've been wandering around all day.

I can't seem to find it.

- Really? No, it's literally two blocks up to the left.

Well, I...

What?

Do you want me to... You want me to show you?

- I don't know if I should revisit it.

But... Okay.

Why not?

I saw this honey for half the price.

Finish your breakfast.

- I'm not hungry. - You have to eat.

Where is Camilla?

You know why there's so much unemployment?

Because people are being replaced by advanced technology.

What's on the movie page?

- Eat! Here's Camilla. You're always late.

If you ask me, the way the world is going...

...one day the whole planet will be speaking Chinese.

No one's asking you.

- No one care what you or I think We just have to pay taxes.

Look, look!

Here she comes.

- Where was she when we had the blackout...

...and I was stuck in the elevator for two hours?

Oh to be young and single, or at least single.

Did you see her do that? Beautiful.

- You still wouldn't have a chance. - Why not?

She takes her weekends with the boss.

- Since when? - Since always.

- If you ask me... - What, again?

What, I can't say one thing? If you ask me...

It's an enigmatic film. Very interesting.

Beautiful. Better than The King's Speech.

- Oh, come on! - I didn't get it.

The director didn't want you to understand. Life's a mystery...

...the atmospheric cinematography. Did you see that shot?

If I could vote there would be no question...

- But you don't vote. - I don't vote, but if I could...

- I hear Brad Pitt and Angelina are in town promoting a movie.

Do you think it's Brad Pitt?

This week we'll interviewing Tony Blair...

...the winner of the Miss Universe contest and Johnny Depp.

Oh, my God. Look at this city.

You're tipping him in euros.

When you realize what you just gave him,

you're going to have a heart attack.

- Well, you know, they gave us such a great room, Phyllis,

and I'm delighted to be here. - Yeah.

This is great.

- See, you always used to travel for work.

Isn't it nice to be someplace for pleasure?

No, I miss work.

I don't like being retired.

Oh.

- You know, I keep having fantasies

that I'm going to wind up an old person in a hotel lobby

watching a communal television set and drooling,

with a colostomy bag or something.

- But, you see, you equate retirement with death.

- Yes, exactly. Exactly.

- Yeah, but it's a fantasy, because you're not dying.

- No, I'm not dying now, but, you know,

it's conceivable I might one day.

- You know, I'm talking 50, 60 years from now.

Can I get a little water...

Oh, sure.

- Yeah, you just have to ask.

- You know, and I haven't made my mark.

I haven't really achieved what I wanted to do. - Oh, you did just fine.

Your problem was that you were just a little ahead of your time.

- Hey, I'm way ahead of my time.

You know, you married a very bright guy.

I got a 150, 160 IQ.

- You're figuring it in euros.

In dollars, it's much less.

Hello. - Oh, darling.

Hi, Mom. Hi.

Hi, Dad. - Hi.

Hi. Hi. - How are you?

- Good. Good. - Hello.

Hello.

- This is Michelangelo. - Hi.

- This is my father. - Nice to meet you.

- My mother. - Very nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - Did you have a good trip?

- Good trip? Yeah, we had a good trip. - Yeah.

- I thought it was a little bumpy when we landed,

but, you know, you'll probably read about it

in the paper if the airline ever recovers the black box.

- So, our plan is to get married around Christmas.

Oh, really?

- You're a lawyer, Michael-angelo?

Michel.

- Michel. Michel. Michel?

- Yes. - Call you Michel?

- Yes, for the oppressed, those who cannot pay.

Ah. So, pro bono.

So... She'll taking in washing soon.

Um, would you like a drink or something or...

Sure. Um... Yeah. Water?

- Oh, would you like water or...

- Yeah, water's fine. Water. Water is fine.

- Hayley told me that you work in the music business.

- I did. I'm retired. I used to work for...

In the classical music division of a record company.

And I was an opera director for many years.

I used to... You know,

Michelangelo's great-grandfather knew Verdi.

- Really? Well, I staged some Verdi. I did.

But basically, I did avant-garde stuff.

Atonal things, but I jazzed up a couple of classics.

You know, I did a production of Rigaletto

where all the characters were dressed as white mice.

I did Tosca once all in a phone booth.

- Jerry was ahead of his time.

- Yeah, I was a little,

you know, a little fast for mass appeal, but...

You know, then the productions got...

Between the critics and the costs, the unions, we...

- I'm sorry, you don't like the unions?

- Well, you know, unions...

- You know, without the unions,

the worker would be ground into dust.

- Yes, I understand what you're saying, Michael-angelo, but...

Michel. Michelangelo.

- What? - Michelangelo.

- Michel. Michel.

Yeah, like Michael-angelo, the painter,

only, with him, for some reason, it's Michel.

- Michelangelo feels very deeply about the workers.

Excuse me, Via della Penna?

- Take the next right, go down one block...

...you'll come to a gelato shop, walk one block...

...and turn left.

- Grazie. - Prego.

At the next traffic light, there's a fish restaurant.

You can't miss it.

Walk one block, make a right, go up two blocks and take another right.

- You following? - Yes, yes. Thank you.

Prego.

Here. This is where I live.

Oh. Nice.

This might have been my exact street.

- Hey, can I ask you in for coffee?

- Coffee? - Yeah. Yeah, come on in.

Sally makes great espresso.

- Sally? - Yeah, my girlfriend.

She's studying here.

Hey, Sally. - Hi.

- Hey. I brought someone home who used to live here.

- Oh, my gosh. Yeah. This is John Foy.

This is Sally. - Wow.

- Hello. - Hi. It's Sally.

That's so wild. - Yeah, I know.

- You were right. She's lovely. - Yeah, she's the best.

- Well... Oh, can I get you something to drink?

I could make some coffee. - That would be great, honey.

Yeah, thank you very much. - Thank you.

' Oh- Oh, my gosh!

My friend, Monica, she called.

She's going to be in Rome,

and I told her she could stay with us.

- Ah. Well, so I'll finally get to meet her.

- She just broke up with her boyfriend,

so she's a bit at loose ends.

- Trouble. Trouble in River City.

- What, trouble? Why trouble?

- You're just going to love her.

She's smart and funny

and interesting.

Men just adore her.

I think it's because of the sexual vibe

that she gives off. Mmm-hmm.

- And how long is she coming for?

Oh, I don't know.

Between the breakup,

and then her acting career isn't going that well...

- Jesus Christ, can't you see

the situation is fraught with peril?

- What? Give me a break. Her friend is coming.

What do I care? I'm not looking for anything.

I'm perfectly happy with Sally, and...

Actually, judging from Sally's description,

Monica's kind of like a neurotic, unpredictable type.

- Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual

and also neurotic?

It's like filling an inside straight.

Monica.

Even her name is hot.

Congratulations.

- Yes? - I have your special gift.

- What gift? - A special gift for a special man.

What is this special gift?

I am.

Everything's been paid in full. I'm yours.

- I think there's been a mistake. - Whatever pleases you.

That's okay. Please leave.

- I can't. They'd be very upset. - Who?

- They said you were high-strung and would be quite surprised.

But you're the lucky winner. - What winner?

- The winner of the bet. - What bet?

- Tommy and Fabio. They paid me and said to say, congratulations.

- I don't know who they are. Please leave, miss.

I am told to ask no questions.

I am here to fulfill your dreams.

- What are you doing? Please, miss. You must leave.

You are Mr. DeBroca, room 504?

- You have the right room but the wrong person.

And now you must leave.

Anybody here?

Excuse us. So sorry.

I told you we should wait.

- That is not what you think. Come in.

Our date was for noon.

The door was open.

- You can't just barge in without knocking.

What a way to meet your new bride.

She's not my bride.

No?

You're joking I hope.

Of course I'm joking.

This is my wife.

I am his Uncle Paolo.

Giovanna.

Uncle Sal.

Aunt Rita.

Anna.

Anna?

Isn't her name Milly?

Milly? Uh...

Yes. Definitely Milly. Her middle name is Anna.

- Milly? - Milly.

- We'll wait downstairs. Don't worry about us.

Let's go Paolo.

We'll see you soon.

I'm dead.

My life is over. I'm ruined.

Just tell them the truth.

It was all a mistake.

How do I do that?

They saw us on the bed. I'm in my underwear.

They won't believe me. It's useless.

They'll think my wife is out of the hotel so I hired a call girl.

Why did you grab me like that?

I was paid to make love to DeBroca.

- And you leave the door open? Idiot! - I thought I closed it!

They barged in.

These upper class feel entitled.

- Milly will be back any minute. We have to get out of here now.

You have to pretend to be my wife.

- Pretend to be your wife? I'm not an actress.

And you just called me an idiot.

- I'm sorry. I apologize. You must help me. And hurry.

If Milly walks in I will jump out of the window, I will kill myself.

Sooner or later they'll find out.

- I need to buy more time, so I can think of something, some way out.

We need to get out of here now.

Can you walk faster?

- I'm walking fine. Relax.

- Her flight should have landed.

Relax. By the time she goes through customs and luggage,

we'll have been waiting an hour.

- I hope that you don't fall in love with her.

- In love with her? What the hell does that mean?

- Well, men always, they just go crazy for her.

Well, I'm crazy for you.

Okay, that's her.

Monica!

'Hi!

It's so good to see you.

- You look so great. - You look so great.

- Nothing special, right'?

- No, no, nothing special at all.

I got no buzz.

I mean, look at her. This is the hot femme fatale?

- Of course, she has been flying for 14 hours.

But you will admit there is something about her.

- All I can say is, if something is clicking,

it's so subconscious, I'm totally unaware.

She's no big deal. Certainly not some formidable heart breaker.

She's a disheveled, out-of-work actress.

- I've been wanting you to come for so long, and now you're here. I just...

Hi. Hi. I'm Jack.

This is Monica.

- Hi. It's so nice to meet you. - I'm sorry.

- I mean, I must look awful.

- What do you mean? - I mean, please don't make any snap judgments.

- No, you look fine. - Like, I grown on people.

I just... I can never sleep on planes.

I had a scotch and three Ambien, but still...

- Pretty cozy, this ride into town.

- I keep telling you, I have no interest in Monica.

I just hope having her around

is not going to interfere with my work.

- But there is an element of excitement...

A germ, a spark, one molecule.

God.

I see it so clearly, now that I'm older.

Thank you. Dinner was great.

- Thank you. Ah, yeah.

You're becoming a really great Italian chef.

Well, I figured, it was your first night here,

so, why not stay in?

- No, yeah, it's perfect, just the three of us.

What are you reading?

Oh, the poetry of Yeats.

The "gong-tormented sea. "

- Yeah, yeah. You know it?

- Do you want to talk about the breakup with Donald?

Well, Donald was gay.

It was my ego that thought I could change him,

and I couldn't, and believe me, I tried.

- Oh, yeah? How does one try?

- Well, I mean, I don't want to get graphic,

but, I mean, let's just say that I gave it my all.

And it's such a shame because he is so brilliant

and he's so wonderful out of bed.

I mean, so much fun to be with.

I tried to show him how sex with a woman

could be as exciting or even more so

than with someone from his own sex.

And he tried.

He... He did try.

But, in the end, I struck out, so...

- I remember you saying how much fun

you had when he took you to Paris.

- Have you ever had sex with a man?

Me, sex with a man?

God, no, no, no. I mean, no.

It's not something I'm interested in ever doing.

Why are you blushing?

Probably because you want to try it.

Look, I always had a little yen

for sleeping with a woman, and when I finally did it,

it was... It was very intense.

It was very exciting, but unnerving.

- I really have no repressed...

- I shot this TV movie once, and one of the scenes

was with this incredible lingerie model.

I mean, she was to die.

And for whatever reason,

I get this message one day

from the assistant director that Miss Lee

would like me to go to her dressing room.

And why she was so suddenly obsessed with me, I don't...

And I go.

And she's in a robe,

and she takes it off,

and gives me a big hug and kiss,

and I just become crazed.

I mean, I become so excited.

I mean, she was just too beautiful to turn down.

We had this thing for, like, three months.

Yeah, it was like being in an erotic dream.

And on the one hand, yes, it was very exciting,

but on the other hand, just very confusing.

And that's when I started seeing the shrink

five days a week, and...

Well, fortunately, Jamal came along,

and we had a great relationship.

And as great

as the orgasms were with Victoria,

they were stronger with Jamal.

And a lot less bewildering.

Excuse me.

- She's something, isn't she?

- Yeah, I think I need a few minutes to recover from her story.

I'm still vibrating.

I think she's so fun.

- Yeah, but look, finally, what has she got?

I mean, no real acting career, no relationship

that's remotely stable, sleeping pills, shrinks...

- You sound like you're trying to convince yourself.

Hey, I've got a great idea.

Let's go for a little walk tonight.

Oh, no, I'm exhausted.

But why don't you take her, Jack?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

God, no, that would be a catastrophe.

- Why are you so worried?

You think of me as this seductress.

This is your problem. - Bullshit.

You deliberately made up this provocative story

with some lingerie model.

- It was true, most of it.

Okay, I exaggerate a little.

I like to embellish.

It's a part of my creative charm.

- Come on. Come on. Why don't you come?

- Sally, you've got to go along with them.

What's going on?

What is this? Are you crazy?

Move away.

You've made a mistake.

Sofia!

Sofia! Look at this! What's going on?

What do you want?

Move away! I'll call the police!

I'm a responsible person.

I have to go to work! These people are crazy.

- Whose car is this? - We'll be late for the studio.

- But I'm late for work. - That's right, Mr. Pisanello.

Sofia, come with me.

Good morning and welcome to TG3.

Today we have a special guest with us, Leopoldo Pisanello.

Welcome, Mr. Pisanello. Welcome.

Thank you. Sorry, why am I here?

- Tell us, what did you have for breakfast?

- Coffee and two slices of bread with butter and jam.

- Two slices of bread. What were they like?

They were good. Toasted.

You prefer toasted bread?

I do, yes.

Can you tell us why?

Yes, well, I don't know.

I usually favor toasted bread.

White bread or wheat bread?

White.

- So it's safe to say that Leopoldo Pisanello prefers...

...two slices of bread toasted.

Yes. And coffee with milk.

No sugar.

- And you shaved before or after breakfast?

You were extraordinary!

My God, still here! Enough!

Move away! Sofia. Sofia!

Get out of here.

Leopoldo!

You were brilliant. The phone hasn't stopped ringing.

Yes, but...

- They want you for the eight o'clock news tomorrow.

- What? Me? But why? - You're famous.

95...

95. - Oh, I don't know.

I can't find the address.

This is 91.

So, it's... This goes down.

That's 93. - Uh-huh.

- Can't be 95. 95's a funeral parlor.

Oh, then we're right.

- What do you mean, we're right?

Mr. Santoli's a mortician.

You're kidding.

He owns a funeral parlor,

and don't make an issue of it.

- Jesus, the kid's a Communist, the father's a mortician.

Does the mother run a leper colony?

- I guess they live upstairs.

- Excuse me. 95... This is 95?

Yes, 95, Santoli.

Yes, yes.

Someone dead?

No, but it's early.

- No, no. We're Hayley's parents.

- Hayley's parents. - Yeah.

Welcome. Welcome.

Such a big pleasure to meet you.

Oh, I'm sorry if I'm not cleaned up.

I work all day.

But please come to our place.

We live over there. Oh, thank you.

- Please, come, come. Follow me. - Thank you so much.

- You have a nice trip? - Oh, it was wonderful.

Wonderful. - Great.

Please, come in.

Oh. Hello.

- Hello. Nice to meet you. - Phyllis.

Jerry.

Buongiorno.

- Oh, Mariangela don't speak good English.

- No. - No, no.

What to drink?

- Wine would be great. - Wine.

Michelangelo and Hayley should be here any minute.

But if you excuse me now, I need to go to clean up.

okay.

Hello. Mamma.

Hi. Hi! - Hello.

- You guys find the place okay, right?

- We just followed a passing hearse and here we are.

You know.

- Oh, Mom, the green ones are like a tapenade.

- Oh. - They're so good.

- Oh, you should try them. They're amazing.

Oh, okay.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me... It's great.

I mean, I try and make this, but I never get this taste.

- Well, she could teach you.

No. Oh, no, really.

- Oh, come on. Mom.

- It's a free cooking lesson. - I don't want to be a...

I'll interpret for you.

Si. Si. SI, si.

Have one.

I have... to find out how to...

Mmm, formaldehyde.

She showed me how to make these, Jerry,

but of course she gets the mozzarella fresh

every day from Naples. Oh.

- What do you do, Phyllis?

I'm a psychiatrist.

Oh.

- I've never been to Naples, but I hear it's beautiful.

- Oh, there's no cooking like in Naples.

- You see much of Italy, Jerry?

- Jerry, he's asking you a question.

' Hmm?

Just of Naples.

Have you ever taken singing lessons, Giancarlo?

Singing lessons?

No. What for?

- Well, you have just a natural voice...

I'm no singer.

I sing for me.

Since I was a boy.

- You have a very, very beautiful gift.

Yeah.

No.

She says that I make only

too much noise around the house.

- And no one's ever heard you?

- No. He's our own private Caruso.

- You have a fantastic voice.

Have you ever thought of doing anything with it?

- He sings for pleasure, not money.

- Well, there's a great deal of pleasure in money.

You know, you... It's green and crinkly.

You can fondle the bills.

- Listen, I'm no singer.

No, I don't know.

Is it possible that after dinner, you could sing something for me?

- Me? No,no,no,no,no

I'd become too embarrassed.

- No, no, right here. Just among...

Oh, no, no, please.

Ah, Si.

- You know, I have a friend in town here

who's in the recording business.

And if you would just sing...

He's a very knowledgeable man.

And, you know, if you'd just...

When you're not busy,

when you're not cremating anybody...

- Look, he already said no.

Dad's not a singer.

I'm sure you don't want him to make a fool of himself.

Jerry, back off.

Okay, forget it.

I'm not gonna say another word.

I... Forget it.

But the guy has a fantastic voice.

This is... You have...

Hey, I'm finished. The subject's closed.

But his voice is great.

Somebody's got to do something with this,

because he's got...

- Jerry, Jerry... Not me. I'm not saying I would.

But he's got a...

The man is a genius. - That's enough.

- He's got a natural, great, natural... - Oh...

I'm not saying anything.

You know, I'm off the subject.

Great voice.

Fantastic.

Big star.

Big, big...

- What's the name of the hotel? - I can't remember.

Was it around here?

Yes, more or less. It was red...

Here we are. Sorry we took so long.

Yes.

You don't have a more relaxed dress?

- We'll be seeing some rather important people.

- I mean, we love your look. - What?

- But some of our colleagues might not understand.

- The train lost my luggage, so this has to be it.

- We arranged a private tour of the Vatican for you.

- How nice! Isn't it darling? - Yes, I know it well.

Let's go, then.

Let's hope they let her in.

Miss.

Are you okay?

Yes, thank you.

Grazie...

But you... aren't you Pia Fusari?

You recognize me?

Si.

You're one of my favorite actresses. Y

I'm flattered.

- What are you doing just walking the streets like an ordinary person?

We're making a movie here.

- You want to watch? - Me?

Yes

Si.

Oh my, that's Giulietta Falcone.

No! There's Luca Salta.

I adore Luca Salta. He's so charismatic.

I can't believe this.

He painted that ceiling on scaffolding lying down.

- Can you imagine working all the time on your back?

I can.

- Shoot. I'm gonna be late to class.

Could you take Monica around today?

- No, I can't. I'm working on my drawings.

Oh, please.

She doesn't know Rome at all.

- No, no, I can't, I can't.

I don't have time to go visit

the Colosseum for the millionth time.

- Please, just... Just, please, for me.

Could you do it for me?

Thank you. Okay.

I mean, wow.

That is so impressive. Oh, I know.

The lines, the empty space. - Yeah.

- Yeah, exactly. It was a lot of negative space.

Are you sure I'm not taking you

away from anything important today?

- No, I think that I... I was worried

I was taking you away from something.

If you had work to do... - No, no, I'm fine.

This is actually my favorite thing to do.

Yeah, if you weren't here, I'd probably be doing this alone.

I mean, it's incredible

that the Colosseum is still standing

after thousands of years.

You know, Sally and I have to

retile the bathroom every six months.

These guys were truly,

truly brilliant architects.

- I just find it so ironic that there was once

this magnificent civilization and now just these ruins.

Yeah.

- I call that futile feeling

Ozymandias melancholia.

okay.

Is this the kind of thing you want to build?

Oh, I'd be very proud to have done this.

- Did you always want to be an architect?

- You'll laugh if I tell you what my ambition is.

What? No, no, I won't.

- To build radical structures.

I mean, to be scandalous.

To change the architectural landscape.

Are you interested in architecture?

- I'm interested in Gaudi. - Huh.

Antonio Gaudi.

I mean, for me, La Sagrada Familia is poetry in stone.

Oh, bullshit.

You had six months of college.

You know nothing of architecture but a few names.

You saw the movie The Fountainhead.

- I just find something so sexy

about an uncompromising artist.

I mean, I would do anything

to spend a night with Howard Roark.

- Oh, God, save me, save me.

Another young woman who wants to give her body to Howard Roark.

- Oh, come on, I mean, she is fun to talk to.

- Yes, and you buy into her bullshit because

she seems to know all the right things to say.

She knows names, she knows buzzwords,

she knows certain cultural phrases that imply

that she knows more than she does...

The anxiety of influence, the Bartok string quartets,

the perversion of the dialectic, La Sagrada Familia,

"the gong-tormented sea. "

- So, what, I should press her

and not let her get away with the name dropping?

But you didn't.

- Yeah, I mean, it's sort of charming that she's a con artist.

Yes.

She does have a certain something

which trumps logic, so go ahead,

walk into the propeller.

- So, was it okay with Monica today

or did she just drive you crazy?

- Yeah, I really don't have time to spend

squiring her around, you know? I'm trying to work.

- I started having those insecure thoughts again today.

Please, stop.

- No, because I thought maybe it was a bad idea

that I put you guys together for the whole day,

because what if you ended up attracted to her?

- Could you please stop worrying?

She's a self-obsessed pseudo-intellectual.

I mean, yeah, she's pretty, but so what?

- She is. She's very pretty.

- Yeah, she's very pretty.

I mean, not conventionally.

- I'd like to see her with someone.

Who do we know? We must know someone...

- Grazie. - ... to fix her up with.

Uh, yeah.

I'm sure we could scare somebody up.

' Who?

- Hey, what about Leonardo Basso?

Yeah, we exercise together.

He's nice-looking and he's smart, he makes good dough.

Actually, I think he broke up with some girl who is also an actress.

I think he'd be a perfect choice for Monica.

- That's great. - Yeah.

- Can you call him? - Yeah.

I'll be the matchmaker. - Great.

Please come in, Mr. Pisanello.

This will be your new office.

My new office?

But I'm a clerk.

Very amusing. Serafina, come.

We have a renowned man in our company.

She'll attend to your needs. All day long.

- With pleasure - Grazie.

You will attend to me all day long?

- Yes. lam here for whatever you may need.

Si.

Is he close?

Easy, easy.

Mr. Pisanello, how was your day?

- My day? - Yes, how was it?

It was fine.

I spilled coffee on a few documents.

Apart from that it was fine.

- Mr. Pisanello was caught short spilling some coffee.

But quick thinking saved the moment from escalating into...

...a full-blown crisis with perhaps loss of life.

Why the coffee was spilled will be the subject of tonight's...

...in-depth analysis, with special guests from the illycaffé company...

...and the Brazilian ambassador to the U.N.

- Can we get a statement? - A statement?

- Yes sir. A statement. - Any statement?

Please.

Well... It looks like rain.

- You heard it here. Mr. Pisanello says it might rain.

- How will you be sleeping tonight? - I usually sleep on my back.

- Leopoldo Pisanello sleeps on his back.

Tell us, have you ever slept on your stomach?

- No, I suffer from indigestion. Nothing serious.

But enough now. No more, no more.

Please stop.

Go away.

What do you want from me? Do I sleep on my stomach.

How's this dress? All I have are these junky cotton prints.

I have to buy some clothes now that you're famous.

- Sofia, I'm tired. I have a headache.

I had a horrible day with reporters.

I don't want to go to the movie premiere.

We must.

They're counting on our appearance.

- Who, Sofia? Who's counting?

So if Leopoldo Pisanello doesn't go, the movie won't start?

That's right.

I'm Leopoldo Pisanello, a schmuck.

You're the schmuck's wife.

You said we'd go.

There's Gina Francone.

And there's Tony Branca.

There he is. Good evening.

Who do I see?

Leopoldo Pisanello.

His lovely wife, Sofia, looking elegant in her junky print.

Yes, she's wearing a junky cotton print dress.

Looks to be second-hand, maybe even a thrift shop.

And I believe she has a run in her stocking. We're checking and yes...

...it is a run in the stocking of her left leg.

Mrs. Pisanello, the run in your stocking, was that deliberate?

- There's a run? - Yes, it's very dramatic, very stylish.

Wouldn't you say, Martina?

- We'll be seeing you at Cannes soon? - Yes, for sure.

- Great. - I must move on to Gina Francone.

- Mr. Pisanellol I'm Marina Raguso. I'm such a great admirer of yours.

Thank you.

- I think you're so much sexier than all the pretty-boy leading men...

...who makes those comic-book movies.

I see.

- I'd love more time to talk to you...

...to hear your views on the state of culture in Italy.

- Mine? - I'll give you my number.

Call me.

- Your number? - Any time.

Okay.

- Mr. Pisanello, tell us, do you wear boxer shorts or briefs?

Me? Boxers. Loose, white.

I knew it!

You're the classic boxer type. I knew!

So, what are you thinking

now that you've fixed her up with your pal?

I don't know.

Sally and I thought it would be a fun idea

to come out and visit these ruins.

- Yes, so then what occurred? What is it?

I don't know, I just...

I know I regretted introducing her to Leonardo.

Yes, you're jealous.

- All of a sudden, I wanted to get her alone in a room

and tell her I loved her. Isn't that stupid?

I never felt anything until this afternoon,

and suddenly her face got to me.

And I loved how she wore her hair.

And she looks great.

How'd you like Monica?

Oh, she's lovely.

Can't wait to see her again.

- Oh, yeah? You gonna... You gonna see her again?

Tomorrow night.

- I think Sally and I are free tomorrow night.

- I think it's better if it's just the two of us.

Giancarlo, I took the liberty of calling my friend,

and I set up an audition for you with the recording company.

I told you no!

- Why? What do you have against live people?

Your whole life, you can't just deal

with people who have rigor mortis.

You have a great voice.

You should be singing Pagliacci for multitudes.

You... You know.

- Pagliacci? - Pagliacci yes!

You were born to play that.

- I always dreamed of singing Pagliacci.

- Yes, I know! Of course.

'Cause you're a natural.

That's... You know, stick with me.

We can go very far, really.

" Well?

- We, yes. Well, I would manage you.

And I will direct you.

I'll put on the greatest production of Pagliacci.

I'm telling you, I know exactly what to do.

You have to believe me.

I don't know why I'm shouting, you know.

You're two inches in front of me.

Trust me.

How did it go?

You know what?

Ask your father.

Uh-oh.

I'm so sorry, Jerry.

I let you down - No...

- You should have seen his face.

He knew it was terrible.

It wasn't terrible.

You know, yes, if you... If it was at La Scala,

would they be throwing fruit and vegetables?

Yes, they would have.

But this was a cold audition room.

It's all fantasy.

You imagine his voice is better than it really is

because you're searching for an excuse

to come out of retirement.

- Hey, don't psychoanalyze me, Phyllis, okay?

You know, many have tried, all have failed.

My brain doesn't fit the usual id-ego-superego model.

- No, you have the only brain with three ids.

- It was a foolish idea to begin with.

- Well, your father's a grown man.

I mean, he can make his own decisions.

- I don't know why you showed up at all.

You know, you were sitting there with a disapproving face,

very sour through the whole thing.

Maybe you made your father nervous.

- I came because he's a simple man,

and I didn't want to send him alone

into a tank of shark of the music business.

Tank of shark?

- Whoa, you think my father is a shark?

- In the aquatic world, I've been likened

to a spineless jellyfish, but that's about it.

Look.

You defend your father because he's family,

and I understand, but here, he's wrong.

- No, I defend him because you're wrong.

There's no sin in trying something and failing.

- I don't want to say anything, but I told you.

You choose projects that are doomed to fail.

You get some kind of a payoff out of failing.

- What projects do I choose that are doomed to fail?

- Rigaletto with everyone dressed like white mice.

Can you hear him?

Is that not a gorgeous voice?

- Sure. What good it is if he can only do it in the shower?

Well, but you admit he can...

He's right, Jerry.

Everyone sings great in the shower.

That's right.

He does it in the shower.

- Dad, even you sing in the shower.

I know. I...

In life, I have a terrible voice,

but when I'm soaping myself under hot water,

I sound just like Eartha Kitt.

You look strange.

Phyllis, I'm having...

There's a psychological term for this.

I'm having a breakthrough or an epiphany.

What is the term for what I'm having?

A death wish.

Bravo. You were fantastic. Come meet your biggest fan.

She's seen all of your films. Milly, right?

$1; Milly.

So you're a fan? - Yes, oh, yes.

- I've seen everything you've ever done.

- You're flattering me. - No, it's true.

You're so great. You're an exceptional actor.

As the Arab spy, as the terrorist, as the divorced father.

I've always dreamed of meeting you.

- Will you join me for lunch? - Lunch? With you?

- Together? - I only have a hour.

Oh my God.

You're the sexiest man in Rome, according to Mando Film.

- Did you know? - Yes. I've been told.

- Shall we? - Yes.

Thank you.

Are you planning a large family?

No children.

You become their slave.

Diapers, school, illness.

They grow up, they move out, you never see them.

- No, that's not so. - It was with me.

I couldn't wait to get out of the house.

My father sold drugs...

...my mother was a shoplifter.

What could I do? Can you blame me?

Look, look!

There's the actor Luchino Salta.

Yes, yes! That's him.

- He's married. Who is that woman he's with?

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

I can't believe I'm having lunch with you.

- I'm the lucky one. Otherwise I'd be dining alone.

- Why alone? Aren't you married? It's in all the papers.

Yes, but marriage is like wine.

When it's right, it's beautiful, when it's not...

We're separated.

The press doesn't know. It's a secret.

Of course. I won't tell anyone.

What are they doing?

- He's looking into her eyes and making love talk.

- I'd love it if you could watch me film this afternoon.

You could give me your insights, observations, point of view.

We could do that back at my hotel.

You value my opinion?

- Is there something wrong with that? - No, not at all.

Antonio, my husband, thinks my head is in the clouds.

Which may be a bit true.

He doesn't take your ideas seriously?

- He takes them seriously. He respects them...

...but in the scientific area.

I teach high school astronomy.

Oh my, how sweet.

- Yes, so I doubt he'd want my opinion on anything artistic.

Astronomy. So, the skies, the planets, the stars.

You're a... wait, don't tell me.

Please, I'm not saying anything!

You're a Libra.

No, a Sagittarius.

He's taking her hand.

She should slap his face.

Oh no, she loves it.

Are you hurt?

No. No.

Hello, this is Brunella Matteucci live with Leopoldo Pisanello.

It's 7:30 AM. Mr. Pisanello is going to shave.

We're covering that shave live, from the first to the last stroke.

Mr. Leopoldo Pisanello is getting a haircut.

Just a trim.

He's opted for a trim.

Sorry, all full, no table.

- You must be mistaken. My husband made reservations.

- We're all full. - I can't believe this.

Oh no tables, I'll come back.

Oh no, Mr. Pisanello, right this way.

- The nerve! - It's not fair.

You are losing a longtime customer.

- They're right. They've been waiting.

Nonsense. Please step this way.

I watched you in the office and couldn't resist you.

They say power is an aphrodisiac.

Who's she?

- Tanya. She's my friend. She's dying to go to bed with you.

I promised her you would make love to her after me.

It will make her year.

He worries because he's married.

- Mr. Pisanello, the rules don't apply to you.

You're special.

Yes, yes, I agree with you completely.

- I mean, the first time I read The Myth of Sisyphus,

my whole life changed.

Yes. Yes.

And, of course, the Russians.

Dostoyevsky. Thank you.

“Stavrogin's Confession. "

And Kierkegaard...

I mean, you can feel his pain.

- Didn't you say that Rilke was your favorite author?

Oh, Rilke.

"You must change your life. "

Or was it Ezra Pound?

- " Petals on a wet, black bough. "

- Look at this. She knows one line from every poet.

Just enough to fake it.

- I have such a great idea.

Tonight, after they're closed,

we should sneak into the old Roman baths.

Sneak in?

- Well... You know a way, right?

- Yeah. - He knows a way in.

Come on. It'll be dark. It'll be spooky. It'll be fun.

No, Jack doesn't do spooky.

Believe me. Oh, well...

I love entering places illegally, so...

No, I mean, yeah, sure.

I mean, I don't want to be a spoilsport.

- First, it's Camus and Kierkegaard,

and now, " I've run out of namedropping,

"so let's break into somewhere. "

Pretty soon, she'll have you holding up filling stations.

Yeah, I understand, from where you sit,

it sounds crazy, but from where I sit...

Oh! Oh, isn't this great?

My God. I can't believe we snuck in here.

I have never seen this at Okay. Yeah.

- It's amazing. How are you doing? - No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just, it looks like it's going to rain, doesn't it?

He can't break any rules.

- Oh, whoa! Okay, there's lightning.

Hey, guys, come on. - Are you afraid? Come on!

- I'm not afraid. We're just sitting ducks here.

- Come on! It's unbelievable!

- Okay, let's go back to the car.

I love electrical storms.

- Okay, now it's definitely raining.

- It's just a little though.

Sally! Sally, come on.

This is amazing.

It's a little loud.

- That means it's close. - Okay...

It's very close.

- I actually went to school with a boy

who got killed by lightning.

Do you hate it?

- Well, no, no. I mean, I didn't mean to imply...

- I just think storms are so romantic.

- You know, you actually...

You look really beautiful all wet.

- You're so sweet to say that.

- No, no, really, you do.

- You know, I just... I love it here.

I mean, I think Rome is so charismatic.

- Oh, God, here comes the bullshit.

- Hey, will you keep out of the goddamn scene

and let me have a moment alone with her?

- Okay, I'll allow you your moment,

but remember, I know how it turns out.

- I feel like I have completely fallen in love with Rome,

just this little while that I've been here.

I feel like I could spend my whole life here

and just never go back.

I'm sure meeting Leonardo has a lot to do with that.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Oh, that one scared me.

Yeah.

If we die, we die together.

You were absolutely fabulous.

This guy created a sensation today.

I see a big future here.

- What does the future mean?

I see New York.

I see the Vienna Opera House.

I see Paris.

All in the shower?

- Yes. They love it that he sings in the shower.

They identify.

You know, he's going to be the most popular opera singer in the world.

Certainly the cleanest.

- You don't want to really take this further, do you, Dad?

- Why not? Yes, I got big plans for him.

I want to do now a production of Pagliacci.

Your father was born to sing that role.

- This is decadent stupidity. My whole life,

I sing that role while I am in the bathroom.

- He's wanted to do this his entire life.

You're going to deny your father his shot?

It's your shot, not his.

- I resent your tone with my father.

- I happen to think out of the box.

Oh, out of the box.

Oh, that's a very interesting choice of words.

Listen to me, you're retired.

You equate retirement with death.

Giancarlo's an undertaker.

He puts people in boxes, and you want to think out of the box.

It's true.

- If you're channeling Freud, ask for my money back.

I failed high school Spanish.

I really don't...

He's going to be a big star... Star?

Big opera star.

I'm going to take care of him.

Yeah, yeah.

Yes, I'm going to take...

Oh! Oh! Hold it, hold it.

Hold it. Interpose yourself.

Wait, wait. Wait, go ahead. Jerry, no!

She probably won't stab a woman.

Go ahead. Go.

Calm. Calm.

Relax. Relax.

- No, you have an attitude problem.

Put the knife down.

- We're... This is going to be our mother-in-law here?

We wanted you to meet these people. Mr. Massucci is our firm's CEO.

He threw this cocktail party to welcome you.

It's a chance to meet the creme de la créme of Rome's business world.

We talked you up and everyone's looking forward to meeting you.

- And it doesn't hurt to impress their wives.

- You think it's wise to drink so much, darling?

- Maybe I should get some coffee. Coffee, anyone?

- There he is! I want to present you to my nephew.

Hello everyone!

Beautiful party, isn't it?

- This is Antonio. - Pleased to meet you.

You're the famous nephew. I've heard fine things about you.

They said you fit the image of the company.

Image is very important to all of us.

You follow football?

No.

- It's you. - Yes.

- What are you doing here, Anna? - Milly, Milly.

Oh, my wife.

- How are you? - Good, thank you.

- A pleasure. - The pleasure is mine.

Milly.

We're off. Excuse us.

Coffee?

Coffee, please.

Anna.

'Hi!

Milly.

- Since when is it Milly? - It's Milly.

- My wife is here. - Relax, don't worry.

I was going to call you.

- How's next Tuesday? - The usual time?

- Anna. - Oh God.

- My goodness, I didn't expect to see you here.

- Milly. Here I'm Milly. - Milly. All right.

Can you come to my office tomorrow at three?

I don't have my book with me.

- I see. If I don't hear otherwise I'll expect you at three.

And wear the black brassiere and the thong.

Do you sail?

No.

Do you hunt?

No.

Anna, how are you? - Milly. Milly, Milly. Milly.

I'm so nervous. I can't afford to look foolish.

These men are the most important business tycoons in Rome.

- Some créme de la creme It's my whole client list.

My nerves are shot from today.

- You're too uptight, honey. Relax. You'll have a heart attack.

- How can I relax when my life is falling apart?

- How does your wife stand it if you're always such a wreck?

She loves me the way I am.

Is that why she was smooching with Luchino what's-his-name?

Salta. - Mmm.

- They were smooching? - Practically.

You said holding hands.

There must be some explanation. She's a Madonna.

- The explanation is he's a movie star, a sex symbol.

- And Milly is pretty, but she'd never look at another man.

You obviously don't know women.

Especially if her husband is a nervous man afraid of his shadow.

- What the hell was she doing smooching? He made love to her with his eyes.

- You probably don't know how to make love with your eyes.

- To a woman of your profession, I must appear a middle class mouse.

- Was your wife a virgin when you married her?

None of your business.

I'll bet she was.

- We had some pretty wild times together.

What's your idea of wild times?

Sex with the lights on?

Believe me, she was not a virgin.

I was.

You really need a lesson in love.

From who? Surely not you?

Why not?

It's all paid for.

There are people...

No one can see us.

Don't let me forget the carrots.

- Okay. You really need all this pasta?

- Yeah, I think we need more pasta.

- More pasta? We're not cooking for a small village.

- Tomatoes. - Okay.

- Whose idea was this enterprise?

- Uh, it was hers. It was Monica's.

We all agreed to have dinner together,

and since Leonardo's at work all day and Sally's at school,

Monica suggested we do the cooking.

- Oh. Can I make a prediction? - What?

She can't cook.

- Apparently, there are some things she can cook.

Like what?

Like chocolate brownies.

- Brownies. You're going to have brownies as a main course?

- Yeah. Yeah, I think it should be fun.

Do you think it needs more wine? - Mmm, none. Mmm.

- I mean, I know the Italians cook with a lot of...

- There's a lot of wine in here. - I can really feel it.

I don't know if it's... You know, I...

It might be the French. - No, no. Let me see.

- I just... I don't want it to be too subtle.

- No, it's definitely not subtle. - No, I can definitely...

- Well, can I taste it? - Yeah, of course. Please.

- Um... You know, - I think it needs...

You know, I'll get some of that other wine that's there.

- The other... Are you sure? We already finished this one.

- Uh... - Okay.

- Oh, oh, we have to put the brownies in.

- Can you bake? - Can I bake?

You said you baked. - Well, no, I can.

I have. I just... I left the recipe in Los Angeles.

But, you know, I'll do it. I can do it by memory.

I'm sure I can do it by memory.

- Hey, you want to just order from a restaurant

and maybe dirty up the kitchen a little bit and say we cooked it?

- Well... Here, let me check the sauce.

- Hey, you know what, I'm going to check it, too, actually.

- Oh, do you want penne or rigatoni?

- Don't put the pasta in now. They're not going to be home for hours.

Mmm.

- What? I think I'm a little drunk.

- Really? - Yeah.

- We can just... We can fake it.

- Yeah, I'm... I'm done with this.

- Good. Me, too. - I'm done with the cooking.

- Okay. - I just... I promised Leonardo

that I'd make a really great dinner.

- Yeah. You know, I'm so...

I'm so glad it worked out between you and Leonardo.

No, really, 'cause, you know,

I'm the one that got you together.

- Yeah, I mean, he... He's nice.

- "Sexy," I think, you told Sally.

Mmm... Mmm...

Look, and this is the wine talking.

He's not the most soulful character.

He's not, um... He's not a sufferer.

- What's so great about suffering? - Well, I just...

There's something attractive about a man

who's sensitive to the agonies of existence.

- God, you would be perfect to play Miss Julie.

The Strindberg play.

- The Miss Julie tactic I learned

from a friend of mine who's a theater director.

Tell any actress she'd be perfect

for the role of Miss Julie,

and you can have your way with her.

- I'm just so amazed that you would say that.

I mean, Miss Julie is the role that I was born to play.

She is me.

How could you know that?

- I have a kind of non sequitur question to ask you now.

What?

- How would you feel if I kissed you?

Oh. Um...

That is a non sequitur.

Oh, Little Miss Shocked.

Didn't you see that?

Two minutes ago, she popped a Tic Tac.

What do you think that's about? I'm serious.

I'm serious. What would you think?

- I would think that you're living with my best friend.

Yeah, this is true.

And yet I can't stop myself.

Oh, that's not good.

- Wait, what, you didn't like it?

- No, I liked it, and that's what's not good.

And you,

will you ever recover from it?

- I don't know. She's perfect.

I mean, this is too good to be true.

- If something is too good to be true, you can bet it's not.

I have to have her.

- What are we going to do about this?

- Were you acting? Was this a performance?

- I can't do this to Sally in her home.

- No, no, no, it's okay, it's okay.

Trust me, she won't be home for hours.

- No, I just mean I... - What?

- I don't want to do it here. For Christ's sakes,

what is all this posturing about?

If you're going to screw your best friend's boyfriend,

does it really matter what the venue is?

- You will never understand women.

That's been proven.

- This is not going to be some ongoing affair behind Sally's back.

All right, this is one rainy afternoon,

I'm a little bit drunk,

and yeah, I'm turned on by you, but...

Just not here, not in her home.

- Okay, look, the time for debating is long past.

Let's go down to the car.

Well, the car is different.

You can fuck me in the car. I'm fine with that.

Smile!

Is it true you're a couple?

- She's my cousin, my cousin. We happened to run into each other.

I have no statement to make.

- Is Leopoldo going to direct your next picture?

We happened to run into each other.

I was waiting for my wife.

Marisa, run.

We were waiting for my wife.

Leave us alone. Enough already. Leave us. Please.

Show some respect for the procession.

Roberto, I can't take it.

Why me, Roberto? What's going on?

Sir, you have to accept it.

You're a very famous man.

- But why? Look, these pills, the bottle was full this morning.

But why am I famous?

You're famous for being famous.

But I didn't accomplish anything.

- You think everybody who's famous deserves to be?

I don't know. Even you want my opinion. Everyone wants my opinion.

I don't know! My life has become a living hell.

A journalist asked me if God exists I told her I didn't know.

She was upset. "Mr. Pisanello doesn't know if God exists!"

Everyone wants answers. "Pisanello, Pisanello!"

How do you scratch your head? With the left of right hand?

With both. He scratches with both! That's private business.

I scratch my head with the hand I please, okay? It's private.

- From where I sit, sir, I find it hard to sympathize.

To be a celebrity, the excitement, the special privileges...

...adoring crowds wanting your autograph...

...never having to wait in line.

The women adore me.

They kneel before me. Pisanello, you are so handsome.

They want to go to bed with me three and four at a time.

I have enough trouble when we're two.

- The wife of a man of your stature understands...

...she must share him with the public.

- I want my anonymity back, no one interrupting me.

enough!

Roberto, take me home.

I will sue you for violation of privacy. You have no heart.

Let's go. Take me home.

Bravo.

You were better than I thought.

- Why are you so silent? - I committed adultery.

- Think of it as part of your education.

- I never did any of those things before. - Why not?

Because Milly would be shocked.

But with me you had no problem.

Why? Because I'm a whore?

- With you I was uninhibited. But I feel so guilty.

Milly would never in a million years commit adultery.

- Maybe she wouldn't mind you having a learning experience.

- I can't do those things with Milly. She's too saintly.

Yes I know, Madonna-like.

Except you're the prude, not Milly.

You were the virgin at marriage, not her.

You like it?

This is beautiful.

- A drink? - No, thank you. I don't dare.

Why not?

Here.

Grazie.

I love old songs from my childhood.

Very pretty.

And the old way of dancing.

You're very good.

What can I say.

Oh...

I thought you wanted to talk.

My weakness is nostalgia.

- Yes, there's something charming about reminiscing.

- Did anyone ever tell you you were beautiful?

- My husband, maybe once. But never a movie actor.

- Please don't think of me as a movie actor.

I'm an ordinary human being, with the same feelings...

...the same vulnerabilities and desires.

Scusa mi, scusa mi.

But when I see you kiss those beautiful actresses you seem...

...how shall I say... larger than life.

- A movie kiss, what is it? All pretend.

- I always wondered what it must be like to be kissed by Luca Salta.

Now you know.

- It was amazing. - Only amazing?

- More than amazing. - Wait till you experience the rest.

- The rest? - We must, I can't turn back now.

You're far too enchanting.

No, no.

- My goodness, what a dilemma. - I see no dilemma.

Of course it is.

I'm so tempted to make love to you, so I can tell my grandchildren.

Relax.

- On the other hand it is adultery. - Let's not get into semantics.

I want you.

Oh, my goodness.

I don't know what to do.

I love Antonio, my husband. But I am so curious.

- Listen, life is short. And some moments are written in the stars.

- This is one of them. - Yes.

No, wait, wait.

I have to go to the bathroom. Don't move.

Don't leave, okay?

What?

I swore I wouldn't do this.

- I know, I know, I know. Me neither.

I have to tell Sally.

- But you said your relationship was winding down.

I mean, this cannot be because of me.

No, no, don't say that.

No, no, it is, it is.

It's wound down.

' I...

I had fantasies yesterday of us being together.

Really?

Exploring Italy

and looking at all the great architecture

of Milan and Venice and Naples.

You could teach me.

I'm a good teacher.

We could stay

in little towns

at bed and breakfasts.

- Since Sally is taking her exams next week at the university,

I just don't want to break this to her before then.

No, of course.

- Yeah, but right after. Right after.

I love you.

You are the greatest, the greatest.

- Who's that man? He looks even more interesting.

- We're here on the street with Aldo Romano.

If I'm not mistaken, you drive a bus.

- What's going on? I don't understand.

What do you want from me?

- Is it true you are bringing your laundry in to have it cleaned?

Yes, but what do you want?

- Do you use starch? - No, I don't like starch.

Is that a stain on your jacket?

It's marinara.

Can you tell us how you got it?

- I was eating a plate of rigatoni. I lifted my fork and the sauce fell.

Why do you care? I don't understand.

Gabriele! Camilla! Sofia!

Hi, Dad!

Easy there.

The curse is lifted.

We're back to normal. I'm so happy.

- A man named Aldo Romano is in all the papers.

Let's celebrate with a pizza.

My treat!

- Who is the new star? - Aldo Romano.

I think I did really well on the exams.

- Of course you did. - Yeah, you sailed through it

because you studied hard enough.

I worked hard.

- Yeah, you did. She doubts herself for no reason.

I don't know why.

- Do you guys want something else?

- Uh, sure. - No.

- No. - Oh. Oh, okay.

All right, well...

okay.

You see how confident she is?

So, I'm gonna take her to dinner,

and I'm gonna tell her tonight.

Okay, are you sure?

- Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

In fact, I planned out an amazing trip for us.

Believe it or not, I've never been

to the Acropolis or the Parthenon.

Oh, can we go to Sicily?

- Yeah, of course... You know what, actually,

we could, we could hire a sailboat

and go around the boot, if you want to.

- I've always seen pictures of Palermo.

I just think it is so romantic.

- Yeah, well, you can see pictures,

but nothing is like being there in the real place...

Do you want to... Yeah, sure, no problem.

Hello?

No, I... Hello?

I'm gonna see if I can... Sure, okay.

Hello?

It's sad.

What is?

- That you're in love with Monica.

- There's just something about her.

- You know that Sally's in love with you, right? - I know.

- And your common sense tells you

that Sally is the much more sensible choice.

Yeah, I know...

I know all of that, and yet I can't explain it.

I understand.

- Guess what. What?

I got a part. - A part?

- A good part. In a movie.

It's high-budget. It shoots in Los Angeles and Tokyo.

Wait, where?

I have to leave tonight.

- What was that about a sailboat in Sicily?

- They need me for, like, five months.

Five months in Japan?

- One month in Los Angeles, four in Japan.

I mean, assuming it all goes on time.

Oh, I cannot wait to go.

I mean, it is, like, my dream in life

to spend time in the Far East.

- That's your dream? - Who's in it?

- Justin Brill, Ricardo Ramirez.

- Ricardo Ramirez, he's a very attractive man.

- And I worked with Justin Brill before, like,

when he was married to Rebecca Wright,

and he had this big, mad crush on me.

Well, he's available now.

- This is so exciting. I can't wait

to get back to Los Angeles, see my acting coach...

I mean, no matter what it's like to visit a place, there's nothing like home.

Who's directing?

Mark Strombel.

I adore him.

I adore his work. And you know what,

he's, like, the only director

that I would trust to direct the nude scenes that I have to do.

And although I hear he does a lot of drugs,

somehow that burnt-out look is just so...

It's just so sexy on him.

I have to lose some weight.

I mean, the, the writer saw me on that TV thing.

He just... He flipped out over my quality.

Like, five pounds or so... I'll just start running again.

I'll start running again.

This part is such a great showcase for me.

I just hope I can bring my dog.

I hope it's not like London,

where it's so hard to bring a pet.

Stay calm, Milly, stay calm.

Better to sleep with him and regret it...

...than not sleep with him and regret it.

What do I do?

Better to sleep with him.

Absolutely better to sleep with him.

Yes, better to sleep with him.

Be quiet.

Quiet or I'll kill you.

Now, open the door. You understand?

Let's go. March.

- Are you ready, my love? - Keep your mouth shut.

Do what I say and you won't be hurt You understand? - Si. Si, si.

- Give me your wallet and all your jewelry. Hurry!

Don't you know who I am?

No and I don't care. Hurry up.

You keep quiet and don't cry.

Hand over everything.

It won't come off.

Your watch.

The watch, shut up.

Open up!

Open up! House detective!

Open up Luca. I know you're in there!

- My wife! - She probably had me followed!

- You said you were separated. - Oh god, the alimony! I'm finished!

- I'll be in the newspapers as the other woman!

I'm finished. I've lost everything.

Listen, I got an idea.

We do this... you go into the bathroom.

Hide in the shower.

Go. Close the door.

Get in there.

Come with me.

Open up!

This man has a lot to explain.

There, in the bed!

- Did you not hear us knocking? - What's going on?

- Have you gone mad? - Didn't you hear us?

What am I going to hear? I'm here with my girlfriend.

You come barging in at a delicate moment.

- You're not this woman's husband? - Husband? I don't know her.

- You told us he was your husband. - Are you crazy?

I'll sue this hotel for barging in here without knocking.

Pardon, sir, pardon.

- How could you? - What's going on here?

Everyone out.

This isn't my fault.

Madam, please!

Pardon us.

- You'll hear from my lawyers! - Pardon us.

- We'll get him. - Madam, please. Thank you.

- This wasn't supposed to end like this.

Madam, after you.

Oh thank you, thank you!

- You're welcome. - I'll leave now.

Here take my watch, my ring.

It's all yours.

- Thank you, really. - Thank you.

Bye, thank you.

I can't believe this.

- I don't blame him, you're really very pretty.

Excuse me?

I said, you're pretty.

Thank you.

Are you a real burglar?

- Yes I am. You could say I specialize in hotels.

But I do break-ins and holdups. - Really?

- Mmm-hmm. - Huh.

How exciting.

You're exciting.

I've never made love with a criminal.

My husband is a respectable businessman.

- Is that so? - Yes.

Well, how do I say this?

Opportunity makes a thief.

Here's your chance.

You're right.

We're alone in a hotel room.

- Exactly. We're in bed. You're in your slip.

- So? - So...

I guess I'll never hear from Monica again.

- Yes, but you can read about her in the gossip column,

dating Justin Brill, vacationing in his Aspen lodge.

Consider yourself lucky.

You saved your own life there.

A year with her, she would've had you free fall parachuting

and adopting Burmese orphans.

Well, with age comes wisdom.

With age comes exhaustion.

- Look, here's where we first met. - Yeah.

I should be getting back to the Excelsior.

- Oh, it's a nice hotel. You're obviously doing well.

- There's a lot of dough in shopping malls.

You've sold out.

- Well, as a foolish man once said, stuff happens.

- I'll leave you here. - Yes.

Goodbye.

This is nice.

There's a movie premiere tonight.

We can just go with no fuss and enjoy the picture.

We don't have to pose for photos.

We weren't invited.

Ah.

Well, we can stay home and watch it on television.

And I don't have to share you with beautiful models and actresses...

...and sexy secretaries.

' Hell! Hey! Hey!

I'm Leopoldo Pisanello.

Miss, this morning for breakfast...

...I had toast with butter and jam.

Then I shaved and used a cream I prefer a cream to a gel.

I'm Leopoldo Pisanello.

- Hi. Want my autograph? - No, I'm in a hurry.

- You want it? - I don't know you!

I wear boxer shorts.

Do you want to see my boxers?

See, I wear boxer shorts. White and loose.

Miss, I am Leopoldo Pisanello.

Looks like rain. I got a trim.

She's my wife. Miss, there's a run in her stocking.

It's trendy. Runs are trendy.

You want to see me on one foot?

Look, Pisanello on one foot!

It's a great scoop!

I had breakfast this morning.

Excuse me, I recognize you.

Yes, I know that face. Didn't you used to be...

- I'm Leopoldo Pisanello. - Yes, that's right.

- Do you want my autograph? - Sure, if you insist. Here.

Here's my autograph.

I am Leopoldo Pisanello. Remember.

- Thank you. - That's me. Thank you.

- You see. - Yes. Let's go home.

The kids are there. I'm there.

Here. Yes!

He'll remember me, Sofia.

This man was once my chauffeur.

- Right? - Yes.

I told you, sir...

...life can be very cruel and unsatisfying...

...whether you're a celebrity or poor and unknown.

But of the two, to be a celebrity...

...is definitely better.

- Good bye. - Good bye. Thank you.

Come, let's go.

- Did you hear what he said? - Yes, I heard.

I heard.

Milly? Milly?

There you are. I was so worried.

- What happened to you? - When I came back you were gone.

I lost my phone. I got lost.

What happened to you?

- My uncles, they had every moment planned.

Did it go well?

We're going home.

- Home where? - Back to Pordenone.

But we've just arrived.

- I had my full dose of my uncles and aunts and all their phony friends.

I don't want the job. I want my old job back.

We'll never get rich, but we'll have a better life.

You loved teaching at the school. - Yes, but...

But nothing!

We'll go home. We'll have a...

...a better life, with children.

And maybe... I'll even have time to paint a little.

Okay.

What a surprise.

I don't know what to say. - Say nothing.

Let's make love.

- Make love? - Before we leave, to celebrate.

Oh.

- It'll be my turn to teach you about the stars.

And don't be surprised if I shock you.

Shock me.

Dad, the critic says you were wonderful.

"A voice from the golden era. "

That is so great.

I can't believe it.

Eh, but no more for me, eh?

Oh... I prove myself enough.

Mamma don't fly, I don't tour.

My life is fulfilled.

I have a great family.

I stay home, I relax, I bury people, I'm happy.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Tonight, I owe everybody an apology.

- We should get to the Spanish Steps soon for Max's cocktail party.

- We're late? - No, no.

- I mean, he's an old friend of my father.

He's not gonna mind if we're a bit late.

But we should go soon. - All right.

Do you forgive me?

- I'm so happy for your husband.

And as for you, how could I not forgive you?

I love you.

"Another Caruso.

"And in difficult conditions. "

- Oh, goodness, they weren't very kind to my father, were they?

Uh...

Ooh, I think it's better you don't hear that.

No, no, I can take it.

Just don't tell my dad.

Thankfully, he doesn't understand a word of Italian.

- All right, um, "Except from Mr. Santoli's magnificent voice... "

Magnifico!

"... whoever imbecile... "

imbecile?

Yeah, imbecile.

- "... whoever imbecile conceived this, um, moronic experience

"should be taken out and beheaded. "

- Oh. - Oh, well. He's gotten worse.

This has to be the most beautiful terrace in all of Rome.

- Yeah. For my wife and I, it's a privilege to live up here.

- Oh, yeah. I mean, the Spanish Steps right there, the people watching.

- Phyllis, the reviews were so great.

I mean, the press called me, um...

Not, not... What was the word they used?

Not a maestro, but a, um... An "imbechile. "

What does it mean?

- Means you're ahead of your time.

- Your mother, I'm happy to say, lucky woman,

married an "imbechile. "

- So I toast to my future father-in-law.

- Ah. Well, good luck to you guys.

- Honey, let's go see the piazza.

- Yes. Yeah. - Gotta click, 'cause...

- So glad to see them. They make a lovely couple.

- Wow. - Oh.

This city is unbelievable.

Think we should get married

right in front of the fountain there.

Anything you want.

- Oh, I could stand here all night,

it's so beautiful.

It's me that knows Rome the best,

not a traffic policeman or anyone.

I see all from here.

The Romans, the students,

the lovers on the Spanish Steps.

There are many stories, next time you come.