Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: This is Los Angeles, California,

third largest city in the USA, home of seven million people.

About half of them are women.

The rest are men.

This is Olvera Street, the city's original thoroughfare--

a Los Angeles trademark and tourist attraction.

Through preservation and restoration,

Olvera Street is much the same as it was 150 years ago.

It's always been a skin game.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Move along, you freak.

You're holding up the line.

Like everyone else, you have to pay your taxes.

I cannot pay.

I've had a bad year.

[GRUNTS DISMISSIVELY]

They want my last peso.

I have no money.

And now they want to take my miserable hovel, my cow,

my half acre of land, and my daughter.

What can we do, Pedro?

We have no money either.

[GAVEL THUDS]

All right, you people.

It's April 15.

You all know what that means.

It's tax time.

[GROANING]

[GAVEL THUDS]

LUIS: You want good government?

You got to pay for it!

[GROANING]

[GAVEL THUDS]

Today, we will collect water tax,

income tax, property tax, use tax,

and vehicle registration tax.

Juan Hernandez, 100 pesos.

Next.

Juan Peron, 200 pesos.

Señor, I can't.

It will leave me without a centavo.

[WHIP CRACKS]

I pay. I pay.

Ah, Chico, how are you, with your two lovely daughters

today?

We are all fine, Señor Alcalde.

I'm glad to hear that, Chico.

Then you won't mind paying your taxes, eh?

250 pesos, por favor.

I cannot pay that amount.

I will not pay that amount.

I'll kill you first, you thieving bastard.

[GUNSHOT]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, you people, no rough stuff.

You'll pay for this villainy, Luis Bonasario.

Alejandro, what can we do?

For the horror of it all?

LUIS: Since your father cannot pay his taxes,

you girls must pay.

However, we will let you work off.

Sergeant Latio, take charge of these two tasty wenches

and collect 250 pesos, plus a final 50 pesos

for disturbing the peace.

300 pesos?

They'll be 45 years old by the time they pay it.

[GRUNTS OF STRUGGLE]

Come on.

That's enough of this nice guy shit.

Father in heaven, help us.

Somebody help us.

Alejandro, this cannot go on.

We may be next.

Get that body out of here.

Next.

Vincenze, 200 pesos.

Luis Bonasario and Esteban Velasquez

make a mockery of all that is good right

in the glorious colors of all Spain.

Taxes.

Do you know where every peso of that tax money goes?

Into the pockets of Luis and Esteban, that's where.

[COINS POURING]

Thank you very much.

Next.

How sweet it is.

LUIS: [LAUGHS]

Manuel Vera, 200 pesos.

The score of those bums are making.

And I have heard what happens in Bonasario's offices.

He seducers virgins. He entices--

LUIS: Next. - --hateful wives into adultery.

They-- LUIS: Roman Alberato, 50 pesos.

They even have orgies.

Esteban commands the presidio.

He has the entire garrison behind him.

LUIS: Chavez Romano--

He and Luis work hand and glove--

LUIS: --100 pesos.

--to rob, rape, and pillage our people.

We-- we are too old to take up swords to avenge these wrongs.

The peons, they-- they have no training in fighting.

50 pesos, my friend, Cristina, 50 pesos.

Next.

Alejandro, what can be done?

My son, Diego.

He's been at the Military Institute of Madrid

for the last four years.

The comandante has written me.

Diego is the greatest swordsman and horseman in all of Spain.

I will write him, and he will come home to California.

Yes. Yes.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

That is the answer.

I knew you would think of something.

You must write him today, Don Alejandro.

Because tomorrow, a ship leaves for Spain.

Yes.

Yes.

Come, come.

[WHIP CRACKS]

All right, ladies.

You don't want me to have to use this on you, do you?

It would be a shame to mark up such beautiful wives.

Now, the comandante will be here in a few minutes.

So as we say in Spanish, get your clothes off.

Come on, hurry up!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Get them off.

It's not a strip tease show.

[DOOR OPENS]

LATIO: Comandante.

Sergeant Latio.

Choice.

Choice.

I may even say prime.

And comandante, they are both virgins.

[WHIMPERING]

We shall see, sergeant. We shall see.

[WHIMPERING]

I think I'll take this one, sergeant.

What's her name?

LATIO: Her name is Rosita, comandante.

If what Sergeant Latio says is true,

consider yourself fortunate, my little chili pepper,

that Captain Esteban Vasquez--

[SLAP] [YELP]

--is your first man.

Nice to see you have everything in hand, sergeant.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Wait until she finds out his saber is bent.

Oh well.

That's the way it is in the army.

The comandante gets first choice.

But you, my little tamale, are going to get to entertain

Sergeant Felipio Latio.

But you can call me Phil. - No.

Please.

I'm a virgin.

Virgin?

I believe it.

But when you do what I want, darling,

you'll still be a virgin.

(SOBBING) No.

I can't.

I never--

Fear bot.

Fear not.

Relief is just a swallow away.

Come on.

Be good.

Come here.

WOMAN: [INAUDIBLE] sergeant. No.

[WHIP CRACKS]

Chow time.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

No. No.

Please.

No.

[PANICKED BREATHING] No. No.

Please, no.

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[GROANS]

Ah, at one swallow came back to Capistrano this year.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[GALLOPING]

Here they come.

The California Cockerel is in the lead.

10 pesos says he wins. - You have a bet.

Ah, well, he's done it.

Pay up.

Lieutenant Rodriguez isn't going like this.

He thinks he's the best horseman in all of Spain.

Well, at least now he has a rival in Diego de Vega.

[CHUCKLES] Sí, but who do you think is the better swordsman?

- In a duel or in bed? - Ah.

[LAUGHS] Bravo, Diego.

Don Diego, the comandante wants to see you in his office

immediately. - Damn.

Now what?

Whose heart did you break this time, Diego?

Broken hearts don't bother me.

It's the parts that can't knitted

that cause the most trouble.

Tell the comandante I'll be there in a minute.

OK.

I wanted to buy a little gift for Lolita

for the party tonight, but now there won't be time.

Ah, I don't worry about the eternal virgin, Lolita.

Put something in a box and she's happy.

But I wonder why in the name of heaven,

she keeps pretending she's a maiden.

Woman folly, my friend. Woman folly.

[LAUGHS]

[SOLDERS RUNNING DRILLS IN BACKGROUND]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Come in.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, it's you, Diego.

Well, have a seat.

I'll be with you in a moment.

You wanted to see me, comandante?

Sí. I have something for you here.

It's a letter from your father.

A letter? From my father?

(READING) My dearest son, our fine community is being

raped by the new alcalde--

our women too.

Come home at once.

We need your help to stamp out this heel.

It's signed "father."

sir, I must return to help my people.

May I have your permission to leave

the academy until these renegades are eliminated?

Yes. Of course.

Of course.

We'll wish you, but I understand.

Give my regards to your father.

Sí.

Gracias.

I'll leave first thing in the morning.

Good luck.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BACKGROUND CHATTER]

[GLASSES CLINKING AND LAUGHTER]

Diego, over here.

Pablo, Manuel.

We heard.

So instead of a party to celebrate

Lolita's becoming a common woman again,

it's a farewell to Diego. - Salud.

Salud.

[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]

Tell me, is Los Angeles really so bad?

Terrible, according to my father--

terror, villainy, rape.

[CRASH]

[THUD]

Let's forget about all that for now.

It's supposed to be a party.

To wine, women.

Mmm.

She's really luscious tonight, huh?

[CHAIR GROANS]

CROWD: Olé! Olé!

Olé!

Olé!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[ELATED LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND]

[MOANING]

[MOANING]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

[MOANING]

Bravo, bravo, bravo.

Marvelous exhibition, Diego.

But I don't think you really know anything

about women or lovemaking.

[LAUGHS] Oh, you, who walks around in women's clothing when

you think no one is watching, talks to me about women,

lovemaking?

How dare you?

I demand an apology at once!

Fuck off.

En garde!

It shall be a fight to the finish.

Look, Rodriguez, this whole thing is ridiculous.

This is a party.

Join us, if you like.

There's plenty of everything to go around.

Get your sword up, Diego.

We'll see who are the better man he is.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I have never met a man who wanted

to die as much as you do.

You're half drunk, so we'll make it a fair fight.

[SWISH]

[BLADES CLASHING]

[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

Quit while you're ahead, Rodriguez.

This is madness.

Quit before you get hurt.

I'll kill you and cut them off for souvenirs.

Take your best shot, Rod.

[BLADE CLATTERS]

Next time, don't wave your sword at someone

who has a superior weapon and knows how to use it.

[SWISH]

[THUD]

[LAUGHS] Ah, what an exit.

CROWD: Bravo!

Bravo!

Oh, Diego, must you go so soon?

Yes.

I have to be on my way to California

early in the morning.

[LIPS SMACK]

Adiós, my friends. MEN: Bravo!

Adiós.

MEN: Adiós.

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, Don Alejandro, Martinez family

is already the ninth family that has fled

Los Angeles for Mexico City.

And we pay the taxes imposed on them by this vermin

who is Bonasario.

And on the Sabbath, those that come to church,

the sadness in their faces--

oh, the misery of it all.

Don Alejandro, this cannot go on.

Diego, my son.

[LAUGHS] Diego.

Diego.

It is so good to have you home again.

It's good to be home, father.

You remember Don Manuel.

Don Manuel, my father's dearest friend.

How are you? - Fine, fine.

Thank you.

And your wife, Doña Amelia?

Oh, she's fine too.

The family, aha!

- Your son, Porjito? - Fine, fine.

Look how big and strong he got.

Of course, you remember your beloved teacher

and priest, Frey Felipe.

Frey Felipe.

Next to my dear father, you are the man I respected and loved

most in this whole world.

Ah, Diego, what a splendid person

you have turned out to be.

How proud I am that I was your first instructor.

Heaven will surely reward you for answering your father's

call on this, our hour of need.

So tell me, who is doing what to whom?

When you went to study in Spain, I,

Don Alejandro Vega, good, just, and well-liked

alcalde of Los Angeles--

a position I held for many years with great honor--

That's right.

And one terrible day, this slimy Luis Bonasario

arrived in our city and proclaimed

himself the new alcalde.

But how did this happen?

An appointment the governor himself, signed, sealed,

and legal.

And to back his appointment, came the henchmen--

Capitan Esteban Velazquez and Sergeant

Felipio Latio, along with a score

of battle-trained soldiers.

But why didn't you write the governor

and ask where such a person was appointed in your place?

I did many times.

And he has never answered those letters.

Obviously, one of two things has happened.

These scoundrels are either tampering with the mail--

[GLOBE RATTLES]

--or-- BOTH: Or?

--the governor himself is a thief.

ALEJANDRO: Diego, with taxes what they are,

it won't be long before Bonasario

owns all of Los Angeles.

Already, some of our wealthy friends

have had to sell out to him.

And now he even wants to tax the mission lands.

This is why your father sent for you.

FELIPE: The comandante of the military academy

wrote your father and said you are the greatest horseman

and swordsman in all of Spain.

Oh, my son, how proud I am of you.

Diego, maybe you could form an army

and wipe out this Bonasario.

Where would I recruit an army, father?

- The peons. - No.

That would take too long a time.

We must act immediately.

BOTH: What shall we do?

You will carry on as if nothing has happened.

Tomorrow, I will visit this Bonasario and Velasquez

at the presidio in person.

What can you possibly do alone?

[SNORTING]

[SNEEZES]

Bless you, son.

Well, one can try, can't one?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

And now, papa, Don Manuel, and dear Frey Felipe, I

am literally exhausted from the journey.

You'll excuse me if I go beddy-byes?

Oh, and Don Manuel, please give my very, very best to your son,

Porjito.

Tell them I'll be seeing him soon.

These military schools can do funny things to a boy.

Hmm. [CLAP]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Nothing but bills, bills.

Nothing but fucking bills.

I think, tomorrow, we're going to raise

the taxes, Esteban, eh?

[CHUCKLES]

I am Don Diego de Vega.

I wish to see the alcalde.

One moment, señor.

One simply must have a parasol to protect

one's delicate complexion from the burning rays of the sun.

[CHUCKLES] Sí, señor.

Don Diego de Vega to see the alcalde.

Send him in.

Send him in.

The alcalde will see you now.

Thank you.

You are all very kind.

Your Excellency, I am Don Diego de Vega.

Don Alejandro Vega's son.

Ah.

Don Diego, how nice it is to meet you.

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

Well, Don Diego, I thought that you were Spain at school.

I've had enough of schools, Your Excellency.

I was lonesome for my family, my friends.

[WOMEN LAUGHING IN DISTANCE]

I told them to be quiet.

But obviously, they've had too much wine.

Mwah.

Oooh.

Such fine plumage.

Whose closet did he come from?

Graciela, don't be impertinent.

This is Don Diego de Vega, son of the former alcalde.

Show some respect.

And I thought I told you to wait for me inside.

Oh.

Well, it got too hot and we couldn't wait, eh?

Don Diego, forgive us for being so rude,

but you've arrived at the most inopportune time.

As you can see, we have some unfinished business

to attend to.

You didn't apologize, comandante.

I understand perfectly.

We can meet again.

Before I leave, though, I wonder if you'll be kind enough

to tell me who is your tailor?

How exquisite.

Yes.

You are obviously a man of good taste.

I do hope we can meet again [quietly] soon.

Oh, by the way, comandante, have you seen this one?

[LAUGHS]

Don Diego, you must excuse us.

We would invite you to join us for the evening,

but I'm afraid we don't know where to find someone

to suit your proclivities, eh?

[LAUGHTER]

Of course.

Another time, Excellency.

You do have the most beautiful things, comandante.

Hasta manana.

[LAUGHTER]

That faggot, talking to me that way.

I'll give him three feet of cold steel.

He must know you, Esteban, dear.

After all, you do have the most beautiful things.

[LAUGHS]

We'll have no trouble from him, eh, Esteban?

Are you still hot, my little chicken?

Sí.

And I think there are some things that you

should take care of personally.

As for you, Señor Comandante, you've got a big job.

Ah, you like the job you have.

Hey, I think, maybe--

I think, maybe from now on, you better when

I tell you to do and get it done,

or maybe my friend, Don Diego, will let me know playmate, eh?

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHTER]

What do you got here, [INAUDIBLE]??

[SCREAMING]

Ah, very nice.

Very nice.

Tie them up, eh?

I got something for you.

[SOBBING]

[SCREAMING] - No!

[INAUDIBLE] I got a bigger snake than this for you.

[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMING]

Come on [INAUDIBLE] - No!

[INAUDIBLE] I got a bigger snake than this for you.

[LAUGHS]

[GALLOPING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

See what the note is.

You can read.

What does it say?

(READING) Know, you, that Luis Bonasario is a thief,

and a tyrant, and cannot long escape my justice.

Signed, Zorro.

Zorro?

Who the fuck is Zorro?

I don't know, but he tells it like it is.

What's going on?

Get out of here, you ignorant peasants.

Ándale!

Ándale!

Vámonos!

[INAUDIBLE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hmm.

I go a funny feeling if I could read,

this thing going to piss me off pretty bad.

- Do you see him? - No.

You look there.

[THUMP]

Psst. Psst.

You in there, quickly, before we're discovered.

Please.

Please, leave us alone.

Haven't you had enough for one day?

Have no fear, señorita.

I want to help you escape. - Escape?

WOMAN: It must be a trick.

[SIGHS] This is no trick, but come quickly now,

before we're discovered.

I don't want to escape.

[KEY RATTLING]

Be quiet and follow me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

What are you doing?

Be quiet.

I just want to make sure the brutes

didn't your beautiful body.

[LAUGHS]

[GASPS]

[COMICAL MUSIC NOTE]

Ah, very nice.

Sergeant Latio has taste.

[GASPS]

[COMICAL MUSIC NOTE]

Drive slowly or you'll arouse the soldiers.

Wait.

Who are you, masked man, and how can we thank you?

I'm sure that, someday, you'll find a way.

Stay away from your house.

Now go.

Find safety with friends.

GUARD: Halt. Who goes there?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LATIO: Now what are we going to do without women?

Just because you use little boys doesn't mean everybody does.

Estúpidos, ignoramuses, imbeciles, [INAUDIBLE]!!

And you, you [INAUDIBLE] you idiot.

Now find them!

Find them and bring them back here immediately or you're

all going to tending bar at the [INAUDIBLE] at the [INAUDIBLE]!!

Out! Out!

Ándale!

Ándale!

Imbeciles!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN (FROM INSIDE): All right.

Another game of Bingo.

Hold your cards, please.

Under the R, [INAUDIBLE] under the [INAUDIBLE] 34.

Under the [INAUDIBLE] 18.

Under the G, 54.

Under the M, 37.

Under the O, 69.

MAN: Bingo!

EVERYONE: [INAUDIBLE]

MAN: [INAUDIBLE] your cards, please.

There may be a mistake.

Father, I have a wonderful confession to make.

What is it, my little, uh--

my child?

Father, I've decided to become a nun.

Don't you think that's wonderful?

An admirable decision, but you shouldn't

make up your mind while you're still young and inexperienced.

What do you mean, Father?

You should find out what life is all about.

Why, a beautiful girl like you, you must have many young men.

So get married, have a family.

And if you still want to become a nun, come back

and we'll work something out.

Father, how can you say such things?

I mean, if I were to become a nun, I must remain a virgin.

What a waste.

What I'm trying to tell you, my dear, is that you don't

have sufficient experience.

So live a little.

Father, I do not understand.

I thought if I became a nun, it would please you.

There are other better ways for you to please me.

What do you mean? Father?

What is it, Sergeant Latio?

Señorita Maria, we are looking for a man in a long,

black, flowing cape.

Have you seen such a man?

I saw no one.

I was just confessing to the padre.

But who is the man with the dark cape?

His name is Zorro, and he's a very dangerous man.

He has just helped two prisoners to escape.

If you see him, beware.

Señorita Maria, we're sorry to have disturbed you.

Padre, we apologize for disturbing you.

Fear not.

We will get Zorro. Come.

Adiós, chiquita.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CLANG]

[GROAN]

[CLACK]

[SWISH]

[LAUGHS]

[GUNSHOT]

[GUNS FIRING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LID SLAMS]

You've got to catch him.

This Zorro, he could screw up my plans of being

the biggest man in California.

I know.

I know.

I'm part of those plans too, remember?

So what are you going to do about it?

You and your machos.

That was some show you put on last night.

My men have been searching all night.

By tomorrow morning, they'll be spread throughout the area.

He won't escape this time.

I guarantee it.

Your men, your men.

For all the man they are, they could

compete with Don Diego Vega for Gay Caballero of the Year.

And as for that Señor Itar, I think I would like to have

him meet my niece, Maria.

A match between him and Maria would be

very advantageous to my plans.

Luis, you know I've had my eye on Maria for a long--

And that's all you're going to have on her!

At least until after her marriage.

And then, of course, Maria is entitled to at least one lover.

Better it be you than some stranger.

The depths to which you'll stoop to be of the richest men

in California is nauseating.

Poor Maria.

Business, Esteban-- big business.

The Vega holdings are amongst the largest in California.

Tonight, we make our first move to acquire them.

[LAUGHS] We are going to have Don Diego to dinner tonight.

Who is he going to eat?

No snide remarks to Diego!

Now get out of here!

You have something to do, no?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOOTS CLICKING ON FOOT]

[GASPS]

Do not be frightened, my lovely Maria.

I only want to thank you for not blowing the whistle

on me at the church last night.

But who are you?

- I am Zorro. - Zorro?

WOMAN (BEHIND DOOR): Maria, are you ready?

It's time to go down.

I thought I heard voices in here just now.

No. I was just singing.

Well, shall we?

Dinner is waiting.

[TAP DANCING]

[MUSICIAN STRUMMING]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

[APPLAUSE] - Bravo!

Bravo!

[LAUGHS]

Aren't they fantastic?

[LAUGHS] Doña Bonasario, I have not had such a marvelous

dinner since I left Madrid.

Everything is just exquisite.

Excellency, may I say, your niece is the most

charming young lady I have met?

LUIS: Thank you very much, Don Diego.

You two must get to know each other better.

She, too, has just come from Spain.

She has only been with her aunt and I

for three months in California.

You two probably have mutual acquaintances in Madrid, no?

ESTEBAN: Maria, your perfume, it's lovely.

What is it called? - My perfume?

Why, it's, uh--

[LAUGHS]

Oh, Esteban.

Really, this beautiful scent is called Amor Rápido.

It's from my [INAUDIBLE].

I'm glad you like it.

Amor Rápido.

It's obviously well-named.

Diego, you must tell us about your life in Madrid.

Oh, that I were there instead of this god-forsaken outpost.

MARIA: Oh, yes, Diego.

Do tell us about your carefree, fascinating gay life in Madrid.

Actually, I spent most of my time with the other cadets.

That figures.

Studying, or drilling, or learning wargames.

An officer must be a fine horseman and swordsman.

They must also know of other weapons.

Sometimes it is best to use a pistol,

but even an officer should know how to handle a cannon.

How interesting.

I suppose you know how to do everything.

Well, actually, you could say that.

But really, I'm boring you all, I know.

Esteban, you lived in Spain too, didn't you?

Why didn't you tell us why you left such a beautiful country

to come to this sleepy pueblo?

When I was a younger man, I was quite a sportsman.

Although, I had a bad temper.

I had the finest cock in Barcelona.

This cock came from a long line of fighting cocks.

One Saturday, I took him to the arena for a fight.

All the gentleman were there and the stakes were high.

When the time came for my cock to fight, I entered the arena--

[MUSICIAN STRUMS]

--and presented myself to my cock's opponent.

This gentleman took one look at my magnificent cock

and stated he would not let his champion fight

such a little, scrawny thing.

I could not bear this insult. In a fit of temper,

I challenged him to a duel.

He was from one of the finest families in Barcelona.

That was my mistake.

Oh, a very exciting story, Esteban.

Please, do go on. - Yes.

Please, Esteban.

I ran him through.

As I said, he was from one of the richest

families in Barcelona.

So discretion being the better part of valor,

I decided to split the scene.

That is how I happened to be here in Los Angeles.

LUIS: That is very interesting, Esteban.

Too bad you can't challenge that Zorro to a cock fight, eh?

[LAUGHS]

Who in the world is Zorro? - Oh, he's--

Yes, my dear?

Oh, I'm sorry, uncle.

I was just trying to explain to Don Diego.

Forgive my question, Excellency.

It's none of my affair.

It is your affair.

It is the affair of every loyal, law-abiding citizen.

This Zorry is a masked bandit.

He's a criminal and a rebel-rouser.

He's dangerous to the authority of my government.

He must be hunted down and brought to justice.

He will, Don Luis.

You have my word.

Doña Bonasario, I can't thank you enough

for your gracious hospitality.

It was our pleasure having you, Don Diego.

Perhaps we'll be seeing more of you soon?

It would be my pleasure.

Perhaps you'd like to accompany me

on my morning ride.

Oh, I'd be delighted.

Would 8:00 be too early?

No hour is too early to enjoy your company, lovely lady.

Excellency, thank you for having me to dinner.

Thank you, Don Diego.

And give my regards to your father.

DIEGO: Gracias. I will.

You do have the most beautiful things, comandante.

Who is your tailor? Good night.

You're all just too beautiful.

Nighty-night. - Come, Maria.

I'll help you prepare for bed.

Well, ladies, what do you think of the son

of the former alcalde?

Oh, I think he's some kind of a freak or something.

I think things are seldom what they seem.

She will marry Diego, Esteban.

But don't you worry.

You'll get part of the action, you and your fighting cock, eh?

[LAUGHS]

Thinking of your husband-to-be?

Oh, yes.

He's wonderful.

Well, at dinner, you didn't display

any great fondness for him.

What are you talking about?

- Why, Don Diego, of course. - Don Diego?

[LAUGHS] That she-man?

Oh, Aunt Helena.

Really, you're so much fun.

Maria, I do not jest.

I don't understand.

What do you mean?

Your uncle and I have already discussed it.

He has decided you will soon marry Don Diego.

Oh no. No.

I can't.

I'm in love with--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

With whom, Maria?

There, there, dear niece.

Everything will work out in time.

You will learn to love him.

I'll never live that long.

Come.

I'll help you get undressed.

MARIA: But why does Uncle Luis want me to marry that fag?

HELENA: Because his father has great landholdings,

which will one day belong to Diego and you.

MARIA: Aunt Helena, do you love Uncle Luis?

HELENA: Of course.

MARIA: Oh, it must be so wonderful to love and be

loved by a man-- a real man.

If I marry Diego, I will never know.

HELENA: Yes.

To be loved physically is the greatest

ecstasy one can experience.

You are entitled to that.

Aunt Helena, I--

I don't understand.

HELENA: You will, my dear.

I will make you understand many things.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Aunt Helena, is this all right?

Try it.

You're like it.

Auntie, will it always be like with my husband?

With him, it may be a little different.

But you're ever-loving auntie will never be too far away.

[BIRDS SINGING]

It's beautiful.

Let's stop over there. DIEGO: All right.

California can be beautiful, but I won't miss it.

Oh?

Are you thinking of going back to Spain?

I've longed to return for some time.

Don Luis has also spoken of a journey,

but I don't think he wants to give up what he has here.

That's a shame, señora.

Madrid is the center of everything,

and it gets bigger and better every day.

You spend so much time at the Academy with men.

You never knew any girls?

Well, of course.

What do you think I am?

I think you are something other than what you pretend

to be, and I might prove it.

Oh?

What do you have in mind?

Help me slip out of my skirt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Gracias, Don Diego.

Why don't you do the same?

You want those pretty clothes to fade in the sun?

Let me help you.

A wise old man in Madrid once told me something.

I guess he was right.

What was that?

Strip away all the linen and lace,

and the only difference between a queen and a whore

is time and place.

A wise old gypsy woman in Barcelona once

told me something.

I think she was right also.

Oh?

What was that?

The longer you pretend, the harder it gets.

[LAUGHS] Now that I've been found out,

I guess I'd better confess my little hoax.

HELENA: It takes a big man to do that.

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

Things are seldom what they seem--

skim milk masquerades as cream.

I trust you've had your fill, my dear.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Out, dog.

Sometime tonight, sergeant.

I'll take that.

Sí, comandante.

- I'll take that, comandante. - Zorro!

Curses! Foiled again.

Men!

Men, Zorro just robbed the tax money.

Search the pueblo. Search [INAUDIBLE].

[TRUMPET SOUNDING]

Search [INAUDIBLE] cantina.

Search [INAUDIBLE].

Find Zorro!

[CLOGGED TRUMPET BLOWING]

[SWISH]

[SCREAMS]

- Silencio, idiot. - What happened?

- Zorro. - How you do know it's Zorro?

Look at my behind.

You know something?

This Zorro is getting to be a pain in the ass.

[XYLOPHONE SOUND]

[INAUDIBLE] you idiots.

Behind the tower-- the tower!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Chico, on the edge.

On the edge!

[BLADES CLASHING]

[THUD]

Not that far on the edge.

Zorro's just robbed the tax money.

The tax money?

Jose!

Jose, he's over there! Shoot!

Shoot! No, Jose!

[INAUDIBLE] Raul. No!

[GUNSHOT]

[WHISTLES]

[CLACK]

[THUD]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCABBARDS RATTLE]

[BLADES CLASH]

[GROANS]

[THUD]

[MUSIC SLOWS]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[MUSIC SLOWS]

[MUSIC INTENSIFIES]

[BLADES CLASH]

Kill Zorro!

Get him!

The staircase!

[FRUSTRATED GRUNT]

- Did you see him? - See him?

The cowardly swine, he attacked one of my best men

from the rear.

Did he hurt him?

[INAUDIBLE]

[THUD]

Adiós, comandante.

Z?

Yes, it's a Z. I'd call you an imbecile,

but that would be a promotion.

[MARCHING DRUM BEAT]

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Good evening, padre.

Zorro.

[LAUGHS] Padre, don't you recognize your old student?

Diego.

I don't understand. You?

Zorro? This cannot be.

I thought you were, uh--

[LAUGHS] A fagala?

No, padre.

It was only part of my disguise.

Here's part of the tax money.

You're to return to the peons who paid it this evening.

This is wonderful.

The poor people will bless you.

Needless to say, don't crack to anyone about my identity.

Gay Diego will stay gay Diego.

And Zorro will rid this town of its rats.

I understand.

What will you do next?

Next, padre, I am getting laid.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS] Forgive me, padre, but Zorro tells it like it is.

And now, if you'll excuse me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Maybe some day, they will change these frustrating rules.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

67, 68, 69--

[BOOTS HITTING FLOOR]

Zorro, what are you doing here?

Shh.

There's no cause for alarm.

But what are you doing here?

Oh, you'll surely be caught.

I've come to see you.

And don't worry about me being caught.

No one-- [LAUGHS] --not even Luis or Esteban would ever

think of looking for me here.

But what do you want of me?

I told you, I've come to see you.

So show me, and I'll show you.

I-- I don't understand.

You will, Maria, my love.

[MUSIC PLAYING] You will.

Oh, Zorro, you shouldn't be doing this.

Do want me to stop?

Oh, no.

Not yet.

Does my little dove like it?

It's so-- so muscular.

And that isn't all.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I've shown you.

Now you must show me.

But of course, my darling. Of course.

[HARD NOTES PLAYING]

But you have not shown me your face.

Why do you still wear that mask and those

doofus stockings and garters?

[SHARP CORD STRUCK]

A man always wears a mask, stockings,

and garters in these movies.

[SHARP CORD STRUCK]

Who are you, Zorro?

The man with whom you will spend the rest of your life.

I love you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You will come again, won't you, Zorro?

Oh, many times, my dear--

many times.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

But I still haven't seen your face.

You aren't meant to, my Darling--

yet.

I fear for your life.

When will I see you again, my love?

Soon.

And the next time, you'll see all of me.

But now, I must go.

Tomorrow, I right many wrongs while, at the same time,

ensuring our future happiness.

Zorro!

Capitan Velasquez, we meet again.

What are you doing here?

Not that it's any of your business,

but I was merely visiting my fiance,

the beautiful and no-longer-virginal Maria,

schmuck.

No longer virginal? Defend yourself!

[BLADES CLASH]

You are good, capitan.

I will give you a rematch tomorrow at high noon,

in the alcalde's office.

You bet your ass you will.

[SWISH]

You don't really think he'll come, do you, Esteban?

He's an egomaniac.

[SWISH]

He'll show.

With all of our soldiers outside, he'd be insane.

I've given orders to the men to let him pass.

He's mine.

Pah.

Talk about egomaniacs.

GUARD (OUTSIDE DOOR): No, no, señor.

You cannot go in.

DIEGO (OUTSIDE DOOR): But I must go in.

I've got information for them about this Zorro person.

Let Don Diego pass, Seymour.

See?

I told you they'd see me, you silly, succulents savage, you.

Well, while you two lollygag about this dreadful office,

that Zorro person is lurking about in my father's hacienda.

Latio!

Sí-- [SIGHS] sí, comandante?

ESTEBAN: Zorro's at the Vega hacienda.

Get your men and get him this time.

Yes, comandante.

Men, Zorro's at the Vega hacienda.

Get him.

I know I can depend on you. Go!

All of you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[FART SOUND]

I'm afraid Zorro is a coward.

He wouldn't dare face me alone again.

He's too smart, you fool.

He wouldn't dare come in here with all

these soldiers outside.

But I've given orders to let him pass.

He doesn't know that, you moron.

Zorro is much too crafty for that.

He has tricked you into sending the soldiers away.

He has kept his appointment.

You mean--

Well, Don Diego--

alias, Zorro-- what can we do for you?

You are a very astute man, Don Luis.

And being a wise man, I know you will do the wise thing.

Which is?

Resign your position, which you are not fit to hold.

[COINS CLATTER]

Return all of the money, which you have stolen from the peons

and go back to Spain with your lovely wife.

[INAUDIBLE] my niece, Maria.

Yes.

What about Maria?

Oh, Maria.

She stays in Los Angeles.

I am going to marry her.

You cheeky bastard.

[INAUDIBLE] Esteban.

I haven't finished.

You're finished as of right now.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SWISH]

[BLADES CLASH]

[SWISH]

[SWISH]

[BANG]

[GROANS]

My sword arm.

I'll never fight again.

Good for you, Esteban.

One should make love, not war.

And now, gentlemen, we will conclude

the arrangements to which you will agree, I am sure.

Yes, yes.

Anything you say.

Uncle, Esteban, Don Diego.

What does this mean?

It means, my dear, that Don Diego is really Zorro.

Don Diego is Zorro?

Why, I don't believed that.

Zorro is a man and Don Diego is only--

Yes, my little dove?

I'm what?

I just don't believe it.

Perhaps, when we have concluded our arrangements

here, you'll let me prove it.

Prove it?

But how?

Zorro knows.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

LUIS: You have won, Zorro.

Helena and I shall leave for Spain tomorrow.

What about me?

Too bad, kid.

That's the way the enchilada crumbles.

I can't believe it.

[CHEERING AND GUNFIRE]

And so the wrongs have been righted.

Luis Bonasario has sailed back to Spain.

And Esteban Velasquez is managing a cockfighting

arena in Tijuana.

And I've been restored to my rightful place

as alcalde of Los Angeles.

The governor has been so notified and approves.

[APPLAUSE]

And I and all my men have been elected the new police force.

I, Felipio Latio, am Sergeant in charge of the vice squad.

Oh, Felipio, I knew you'd get an honest job some day.

All this was done by my son Diego, also known as Zorro.

Let's bring him on with a big hand.

Here he is.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

See what the note is.

You can read.

What does it say?

(READING) Know, you, that Luis Bonasario is a thief,

and a tyrant, and cannot long escape my justice.

Signed, Zorro. - Zorro?

Who the fuck is Zorro?

NARRATOR: In times of tyranny always

comes one to right the wrongs--

--you thieving bastard.

NARRATOR: --and wrong the unrighteous.

Such a one was Zorro.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's all new, all nude, lewd and lascivious Zorro.

It's Entertainment Ventures' masterwork

of adult exposition, "The Erotic Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]

[THUMP]

No kiddie matinee Zorro, this.

Here is a Zorro with balls.

What will you do next?

Next, I am getting laid.

[GASPS]

[LAUGHS] Forgive me, padre.

But Zorro tells it like it is.

NARRATOR: Brandishing his long, quick rapier,

he wrought carnage and rapture.

Those who dared come up against him got stuck.

It all happened in a little Spanish town

called Los Angeles.

All right, you people.

It's April 15.

You all know what that means.

It's tax time.

[GROANING]

LUIS: You want good government?

You got to pay for it!

NARRATOR: The poor peasants were being taxed up their assets.

[WHIP CRACKS]

Those who couldn't pay had to work it off--

hard.

LUIS: Since your father cannot pay his taxes,

you girls must pay.

However, we will let you work it off.

Sergeant Latio, take charge of these two tasty wenches

and collect 250 pesos, plus a final 50 pesos

for disturbing the peace.

300 pesos?

They'll be 45 years old by the time they pay it.

NARRATOR: The time had come for someone to take things in hand.

[SLAP]

[YELP]

Glad to see you have everything in hand, sergeant.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Wait until she finds out his saber is bent.

NARRATOR: That someone was Zorro--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[RAPIER CLATTERS]

--fencing and [INAUDIBLE] his way right up your heart.

I've shown you.

Now you must show me.

But of course, my darling.

Of course.

NARRATOR: By day, he masqueraded as a señor eater.

By night, he straightened out and went down

the line with Maria climbed--

a regular Spanish Batman.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

But you have not shown me your face.

Why do you still wear that mask and those stupid stockings

and garters.

I'll take that.

Sí, comandante.

- I'll take that, comandante. - Zorro!

Men! Zorro just robbed the tax money.

Search the pueblo.

Search the church.

Search [INAUDIBLE] cantina.

Search [INAUDIBLE].

Find Zorro!

[CLACK]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

You cheeky bastard.

[INAUDIBLE] Esteban.

I haven't finished.

You're finished as of right now.

NARRATOR: The intrepid team that brought

you Traitor Horny now brings you a fantastic motion picture--

[GLASS SHATTERS] --with something for everyone--

killing--

[THUD]

--rape, spectacle, comedy--

[SWISH]

[SCREAMS]

Silencio, idiot.

What happened?

Zorro.

How do you know it's Zorro?

Look at my behind.

You know something?

This Zorro is getting to be a pain in the ass.

NARRATOR: --sex, flamenco dancing, perversion,

horseback riding, torture--

[SCREAMING]

--lesbians, sword fighting, naked girls, entertainment.

All in the audacious, outrageous, "The Erotic

Adventures of Zorro."

All the memorable characters of this beloved classic

come to life before your very eyes.

The evil alcalde--

[LAUGHTER]

--the equally evil Esteban Velazquez--

I had the finest cock in Barcelona--

NARRATOR: --the virginal Maria--

Father, how can you say such things?

I mean, if I were to become a nun, I must remain a virgin.

What a waste.

NARRATOR: --the experienced Helena, the kindly priest--

The military schools can do funny things to a boy.

NARRATOR: --Sergeant Felipio Latio--

But when you do what I want you to do,

you'll still be a virgin. - No.

I can't.

[INAUDIBLE] Fear not.

Relief is just a swallow away.

NARRATOR: --Rosita and Margarita--

And they're virgins, comandante.

Virgins.

NARRATOR: --Graciela [INAUDIBLE]..

[LAUGHTER]

Mwah.

NARRATOR: They're all here to thrill you anew.

[SWISH]

Parental guidance recommend.

[SWISH]

Have your parents guide you to this theater to see "The Erotic

Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]

Adiós, comandante.

NARRATOR: The first adult movie rated Z, "The Erotic

Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]

And for those selective few of you

with a taste for the hard stuff, here are a few of the scenes

that made it so hard for us.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

If you're old enough to vote, you're old enough to see it.

And you'll vote it the best you've ever seen.

"The Erotic Adventures of Zorro."

[BLADE SWISHING]