Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

(♪ URGENT: "Imperfect World")

♪ And on that final day

♪ Hear the silence reign

♪ But I could hear him say

♪ It's an imperfect world

♪ It's an imperfect world

♪ It's an imperfect world...

One, two, three!

Come here.

♪ Just two goes down

♪ A young girl and her child alone

♪ Doesn't seem too bad

♪ Been a year since their father stopped home

(Dialogue drowned by music)

♪ Could've been a dancer... ♪

(♪ Jazz music)

(Lenny) 'My friend and partner, Bruce and I, believe in going to the office in style.

'There's only one way to start your day in the City of Angels,

'sharing a bottle of Moet with your secretaries.

'Encourages better employer, employee relationships.

'Sure, it's nice.

'To some of us it seems like only a dream.'

(Mr. Schlubinski) Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!

(Lenny mumbling)

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny!

- Hey, Lenny! - (Lenny) Huh? Yeah?

It's eight o'clock, Len. Wake up.

(Lenny) Good morning, Mr. Schlubinski.

You're a nice kid, Lenny.

That's the only reason I'm leaving you in charge while I'm gone.

But if anything goes wrong, read my lips, anything,

if anything gets screwed up, read my lips, anything,

you're history, you got it?

Got it, Mr. Schlubinski.

No smoking.

I don't smoke, Mr. Schlubinski.

No drinking.

I don't drink, Mr. Schlubinski.

No drugs.

Not me, Mr. Schlubinski.

No fucking around.

Have a nice trip, Mr. Schlubinski.

(♪ ALI THOMSON: "Just Dive In")

♪ This is where I want to be

♪ Playing hard and running free

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

♪ Why don't we just dive in?

♪ Just dive in

♪ We can make a dream come true

♪ Sailing on an ocean blue

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

♪ Why don't we just dive in?

♪ Every day I catch a fantasy

♪ Out on the boardwalk and the sun

♪ Moving in the crowd

♪ Laughing right out loud

♪ So exciting

♪ Feel like one in a million

♪ This is where I want to be

♪ Playing hard and running free

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

♪ Why don't we just dive in?

♪ Just dive in

♪ We can make a dream come true

♪ Sailing on an ocean blue

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

♪ Why don't we just dive in?

♪ It's a perfect sky to watch the world go by

♪ Down on the ocean I drift away

♪ Gonna live it up

♪ Moving to the top

♪ Just for a moment

♪ I feel like one in a million

♪ This is where I want to be

♪ Playing hard and running free

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

♪ Why don't we just dive in?

♪ Just dive in

♪ We can make a dream come true

♪ Sailing on an ocean blue

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

♪ Why don't we just dive in?

♪ You know we're living down on paradise

♪ Don't think twice

♪ Just dive in ♪

♪ Woke up this morning... ♪

(Lenny) 'As you can see, Venice Beach isn't your ordinary surfer's playground.

'And while it looked like an ordinary day, it wouldn't turn out to be one.

'Bruce and I were talking shop with Fantastic,

'part-time philosopher, full-time beach wino, killing time.'

Mmm, a white sale.

I wonder what that means?

So you see why it's important for me to make some decisions in my life.

What's really important to me, getting famous or getting laid?

Getting famous.

You ever see Burt Reynolds complain he's not getting laid?

Well, the problem is getting famous is a long-term proposition.

Old Chinese proverbs say, "When in doubt, go for the quickie."

You have no ambition.

It's probably because I'm the horniest person

ever to come out of Walla Walla, Washington.

(Lenny chuckles)

Gentlemen, I think the sun just came up.

'She was a first class dame doing a first class job on the Dove Bar.

'I didn't show much interest.

'I know women.'

Terminal... absolutely terminal.

I would like to immortalize you.

(Chuckles) Boy, you sure are into 25-dollar words.

Hey, you go to college, and you pay a lot of money to learn those words.

Sublimate, procrastinate, masticate, anthropomorphic, Kaopectate.

If I don't use 'em, I'll never break even.

Good enough, I'm Christie.

Leonard Hartigan.

So what do your friends call you?

Well, I only have one friend and he calls me asshole.

(Chuckles)

Well, what shall I call you?

Well, you can call me ass.

- Lenny's good. - Alright, Lenny it is.

I would love to photograph you.

Well, I could use some new 8x10s. Fire away.

(Lenny) OK, hold it right there.

- Hey, Fantastic. - Yo, what it is?

You wouldn't happen to know any women who put out

without asking a lot of questions, would ya?

I know every ass on this beach.

A penny for your thoughts.

Hey brother, man, haven't you heard of inflation?

(Sighs)

How about a quarter?

(Chuckles) Right on.

Jesus.

There are two kinds of women in this world:

the kind you wine and dine, and then they kiss you good night,

and the kind that spread their legs for half the money.

- That's it? - That's it.

I want a refund.

(Engine rumbling)

(♪ ALI THOMSON: "Tell Me")

♪ Tell me

♪ Tell me I'm a-dreaming

♪ Oh, what can I see

♪ Behind those eyes

♪ Show me

♪ Show me what you're feeling

♪ And just let me see

♪ Through your disguise

♪ Cos if we let the moment last the night away... ♪

You just melted my lens away.

It's those lips, those eyes.

- It's just a game of light, shadows... - (Door opening)

- ...and illusion. - (Door closing)

It's the magic art chemistry creates.

(Skip) I don't believe this crap.

(Lenny) 'Enter Skip, my lowlife brother by coincidence.'

Hey, Chris, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

(Christie) What the hell are you doing here?

Well, excuse me.

Hey, I almost live here. Right, little brother?

This is your little brother?

I don't even know this guy.

No reason to get upset, sweet cakes.

Family always did believe in sharing, you know?

You assholes.

No, this isn't what you think it is.

Please let's discuss this in a civilized manner.

Shit, and I fell for it.

Yeah, the game of light and shadows.

My little brother gives that line to every broad that walks in here.

(Lenny) Hey, let's talk.

He doesn't even bother putting film in the camera.

You're lucky I walked in.

Couple more minutes, it could've been too late.

Wanna do lunch?

(Door slams)

Come on, smile.

You're not missing much.

Take my word for it. (Chuckles).

Your sense of timing is... incredible.

Well, I'd rather have bad timing than bad breath,

like some people I know.

Anyway, just need to borrow some cash and I'm history.

Fifty-two bucks, that's it?

We're not doing too well, little brother.

♪ It's all the magic our chemistry creates, ow ♪

(Skip scatting)

Ooh, ah, thank you. Thank you, thank you!

(Door opens and closes)

I gotta get out of this town.

Yeah, good idea, but you're broke.

Besides, you can't leave me behind.

- Watch me. - (Bruce chuckles)

Oh, look at us, man.

We're just a couple of losers.

Hey, hey, speak for yourself. I'm great, alright?

I'm broke, I don't have a car.

Getting laid is tough, and my brother treats me like a sponge.

What does that make me?

The average American teenager.

I gotta make some fast money then skip town.

(Sniggers) Did you say skip?

Bad choice of words.

(Bruce) Oh, my God.

Let's shoot some asses.

Oh, I'm a tit man myself.

Well, fine, fine, we'll shoot tits and ass.

- Deal. - Deal.

(♪ ALI THOMSON: "Watching The Girls Go By")

♪ And where I'm watching the girls go by

♪ Living it up in the sunny weather... ♪

(Lenny) You know, we can make a lot of money outta this.

- (Camera shutter clicking) - (Bruce) What do you mean?

A photo collection.

The other side of America.

(Chuckles) Yeah... Yeah, posters even.

No, you can't put people's asses on posters without their permission.

Who's to know?

Asses are like fingerprints.

What are they gonna do?

They gonna pull their pants down in court, and let the jury decide? Come on.

(Camera shutter continues clicking)

(Muted dialogue)

(Lenny) Be careful.

(Bruce) I'm careful. Careful, don't let 'em get away.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

(Lenny) Now there is an absolutely terminal ass for a poster.

(Bruce) Hey...

♪ There she goes just a-walking down the street

♪ Singin' doh wah diddy diddy diddy diddy dam diddy doh, ooh ♪

(Growling)

What's happening, punk?

These guys was taking my picture.

- (Men) Uh-huh! - They was making fun of me.

(Men) Uh-huh!

Hey, listen, it's not what it appears to be, gentlemen.

Who you calling gentlemen, motherfucker?

(Bruce) We must leave you now.

(Camera shutter clicking)

You get the hell outta here!

You chase my sister again, I'll shove that camera up your ass!

- Here's the money. - Here's the stuff.

- This is always the best as usual. - OK, OK, cool.

(Siren wailing)

(Dealer) Shit, the cops!

(Officer) Get her.

Wait a minute, we didn't do anything!

Oh, God, oh, God, I can't believe this.

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.

(Cheering)

(Screeching tires and revving)

Leonard Hartigan productions presents...

(Mimics fanfare)

..."The Other Side of America.

"A Study in Assology."

First, roller skates.

Down the street she goes, mm-mm-mm.

(Bruce) Ooh, what about this one?

That, my dear friend, is a cello. It's a musical ass.

Oh, I say.

- (Lenny chuckles) - Any ass is music to my ears.

Whoa!

(Bruce) Jesus, I was wondering if you got a shot of 'em.

(Lenny) Telephoto, my friend, is a marvelous invention.

Can't they play volleyball like that?

Hope they didn't hurt themselves.

Mmm! Len, I gotta hand it to you. You're an artist.

- I mean, really a true artist. - (Lenny) Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh, this is nice. This is very nice.

I lend you the camera, I give you a chance. You give me feet.

This is art, Len. This is real art.

(Lenny) Uh-huh, mm-hmm, art.

(Bruce) There's, um... there's... Those French guys do this.

- (Lenny) French guys, yeah. - (Bruce) Dead French guys.

(Lenny) Dead French guys who like feet.

Ah, what's his name, T... Er... Truffaut?

- Truffaut did lots of stuff like this. - Oh, Truffaut, sure.

- You remember. - He did a series of movies on feet.

Hey, how ya doing, guys?

Good thing you held me back, man. They were scared of me.

I was gonna kill these guys.

What the hell is this?

(Bruce) This isn't one of mine. You took this one, Lenny.

- Good job. - I must've shot it when I fell.

(Bruce) Hold it, wait a second. I've seen this guy.

At the beach, sure.

No, er... yeah. I mean, I bumped into him.

I know who that guy is, that's, um... Ned Carson.

(Lenny) Oh, let me guess, Johnny Carson's younger brother.

No, no, the one who used to stump Marilyn's sister.

Oh, look at this.

- Oh, shit, it's a gun. - (Scoffs) No way.

Jesus, look at it. It's a gun!

This, Carson...

Put it all together and what have you got?

- Oh, no way, Brucey. - Yes.

- No. - Yes, it's a murder, man.

Someone shot Carson and you shot the murderer.

Look, stooping Marilyn's sister is hardly grounds for killing anybody.

Look, forget about the motive, alright? I mean, just look at this.

OK, here's Carson, right?

OK, now he's falling.

Now he's on the ground.

Now he's dead.

No way, no, it's... we don't know that.

Does this man look alive to you? Get real.

I'm not sure, Brucey.

What, you're expecting blood and guts?

Come on, look at this guy.

No, you see, all I can see is a barrel of a gun

behind somebody's thigh. So what?

So, how many guns do you see at the beach?

This broad had a gun.

She wasted Carson and she ran.

Shit.

Stop right here, look.

There's a birthmark or something right here.

I don't know, see if you can get a clearer one, the next one.

There we go.

Huh? You weren't kidding, Len.

Asses are just like fingerprints, huh?

Shouldn't be too hard to find an ass with a tattoo like that, huh?

We're not gonna find anything. We take this to the police.

We let them handle it.

You don't understand.

Nobody, but nobody knows we've got this stuff.

We just go down, ask some questions real undercover like.

No way, we are not gonna get involved in this murder.

I can't even handle Skip, let alone an assassin.

An ass-assin?

Yeah, bad choice of words.

Look, the way I see it, this is your chance to get even, huh?

Start being a hero for a change.

You can be famous.

You could be rich. You could be important.

- I could be dead. - Death isn't an issue here.

Look, you can't be a coward all your life, man.

I'd rather be a coward than a stiff.

Let's take it one step at a time, alright?

We go to the beach. We look for some evidence.

We find the killer's ass.

I mean, somebody must have seen this.

They'd remember an ass with a rose tattoo anyway.

All this so we can prove to ourselves we're heroes?

- It's not very noble, is it? - We're doing this cos it's fun.

- You call murder fun? - You bet.

- You're diseased. - Listen to me, Len.

How many guys do you know our age who get one, count 'em,

one chance in a lifetime to witness a murder,

and then find the killer?

No way, I am not getting involved and that's final.

'Bruce had some valid points.

'It did look like a "Death in Venice".

'He was right about something else too.

'It could be the beginning of a beautiful career.'

Pretty clumsy investigation. What if somebody's watching?

Nobody's watching.

- Exhibit A. - Damn.

(Bruce) Elementary, Watson.

(Lenny) 'We had exhibit A, Carson's sunglasses.

'We took a look around for any suspicious characters.'

- (Dog barking) - 'There was only a dog.

'It hardly looked like an undercover cop or a hired assassin.'

What if he's there?

Can't be there if he's dead.

Well, what if he is?

- Dead? - There.

Then he isn't dead. Sheesh!

(Lenny) Great.

(Line ringing)

(Carson) 'Hello, this is Ned Carson. Leave a message.

'Better yet, leave me alone. Wait for the beep.'

Asshole.

OK, so we have exhibit A.

Now what do we do?

Ah, give me a break, huh? I'm a slow starter.

Mmm... we need some inside information.

A real tush expert.

(Bruce) I know a proctologist.

Hey.

Somebody who just sits around all day watching asses go by.

(Both) Fantastic.

(Man) ♪ Feeling good about summertime

- ♪ Sunshine on my eyes - (Fantastic) ♪ It's in my eyes

- ♪ Things ain't going - ♪ Things ain't going

- ♪ Just right - ♪ Just right

- ♪ Don't ask me why - ♪ Don't ask me why

- ♪ Cos I'm telling you - ♪ I'm telling you... ♪

Hey, Fantastic, can we talk some business?

Yeah, yeah. Er... Jim, later, brother, later. We'll talk later.

What's happening, homeboys?

We brought a little something for ya.

Oh, very generous.

What can I say? We like you.

And?

And we need some information.

Ah, a bribe.

A cheap one.

They were out of Dom Pérignon.

We're looking for an ass.

What's his name?

A special ass.

Ah, it's a girl.

It has a black rose tattoo on the left cheek, here.

Do you see it?

Homeboy, I may be drunk, but I ain't blind.

Now why this ass?

Can we trust you?

Brother man, Fantastic is a grave.

Graves don't talk.

We think this girl is involved in a murder.

That's a killer ass alright.

We think, but we don't know for sure that somebody was shot at the beach

and this person shot him.

(Clicks tongue) Foreign butt most likely.

You know, an educated eye can always tell. Probably Helga.

Helga?

Bad girl, the kind you're looking for.

Where can we find her?

'Fantastic's tip brought us closer to the heart of the mystery.

'As we stood there waiting for the door to open,

'I wondered if Helga would come out...

- (Helga) Who is it? - (Lenny) '...with a pair of 38s.'

Can we speak with you, ma'am?

Ja?

Er... we'd, er... like to ask you a few questions, ma'am.

Questions? You police, ja?

Yeah, that's it, we're cops.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Can we come inside?

Come? Ja.

You young for policemen, ja?

We're rookies.

Helga's done nothing wrong.

(Lenny) That's what we're here to find out, ma'am.

(Bruce) What exactly do you have on your rear end, ma'am?

A lot of men.

Yes, ma'am.

Um... we're wondering if you have any special mark there perhaps?

Do you want to see it?

- Yes. - No.

Yes or no?

Yes.

I love rookies, wait here.

Cops. Great idea, Len.

Wait a minute. You were the one who started the dragnet act.

Oh, yeah. Give me a break, I'm young.

(Whip cracking)

Heil Hitler!

Oh, shit!

You swine really want to see my ass?

You will be punished for your insolence.

Helga is my name.

Pain is my game.

You will die in my hands.

I will make men out of you.

Komm zurück! Come back!

All the other cops love it.

(Fantastic burps)

I will be brief.

I got all day.

Don't play smart with me, you asshole.

As far as I'm concerned, you're just a goddamn bum,

a worthless, no good wino, no offense.

None taken.

You talked to some boys a while ago.

I talk to a lot of boys.

These boys showed you a photograph. What was it?

Fantastic is a grave and graves don't talk.

(Squeals)

Of course there are exceptions.

These were two white guys. They wore sunglasses too, kinda like you.

Only they weren't as hip as you, they were kinda nerdy, you know what I mean?

And they came over here, they started asking me all kind of questions.

They even gave me this wine. This ain't even a good wine.

Yeah, they gave it to me as a bribe.

They showed me some pictures of some white girl's behind

with a little black rose on it. I thought that was a fine old behind.

I seen a black girl's behind look good as that,

but not really quite as good as that one looked.

You know, there'll be back here anytime now, you know.

Anytime you wanna know when they come back, just-just ask for Fantastic!

I'm here between ten in the morning and ten at night!

(♪ DAVID WILLIAMS: "No Negatives Of You")

♪ Once there was your face in the mirror down the hall

♪ Once there was a place for your photo on the wall

♪ Never can give you

♪ All the answers to the questions in my mind, mm-hmm

♪ I can't give all the explanation for words I wanna find

♪ There are no negatives of you

♪ Where are those negatives of you?

♪ There are no negatives of you

♪ I know you saw me smile as I told you all those lies

♪ And I saw, saw you smile as the tears fell from your eyes

♪ Never can give you

♪ All the answers for the girl who's in my mind, mm-hmm

♪ I just talk to the mirror for the answers I need to find

♪ There are no negatives of you

♪ Where are those negatives of you? ♪

(Lenny) 'Our investigation brought dramatic results.

'One date, six telephone numbers, and an invitation for kinky B&D sex.'

Face it, man, we are rotten detectives.

- No, all we need is a little inspiration. - I.e.?

I.e., a woman with the brains of Albert Einstein,

and knockers the size of Texas.

Can't have her.

She lives with a man who's got the brains of Arnold Schwarzenegger,

and a schlong the size of the Panama Canal.

I thought I locked the door?

(Skip) I had a key made last time you lent me yours.

No money, little brother, we're broke.

Right.

- Shit, I need money for the race. - Race?

Jet ski. When I win it, I'm gonna be very rich and very famous.

Why is it whenever I don't have any money, we're broke,

but when you make money, you are going to be rich and famous?

- It's called partnership, little brother. - Oh.

- What's this? - Hey, none of your business!

Take a hike, dickhead!

OK.

Well now, that's an ass I'll never forget.

(Sniggers)

You mean, you know that girl?

Hey, they don't call me the wonder hog for nothing.

- Tell me about her. - You interested?

Yeah.

(Chuckles) Information doesn't come cheap.

How much?

(Skip) Let's see the color of your money.

Not enough.

- Don't you wanna count it? - Not enough.

(Lenny sighs)

All I got.

Why not? You're my little brother. You deserve a discount.

It's Christie, you jerk!

You had her right here and you didn't even stoop her.

- Christie? - Yeah.

(Lenny) My Christie?

Yours and about a hundred other guys.

Can't be.

Sure can, Christie works bachelor parties.

You know, teases, strips, sits on the customers.

- Fuck. - That too.

Where does she live?

- Vegas. - Vegas?

What are you, an echo?

Vegas, as in Las Vegas, Nevada. That Vegas.

What was she doing here?

Hey, he's got the money. He asks the questions.

(Bruce) Fine by me.

What was she doing here?

Beach girl, little brother.

Comes down to Venice for a day or two, then back to the salt mines.

Where can we find her?

Memory's fading fast.

Amazing. You knew her all along.

I never saw the tattoo.

That's because you concentrate on the trivial,

and overlook the important stuff.

Man, this is great.

Women, murder, Vegas. Let's go.

You are out of your mind.

She hates me and she's a killer.

Why would I wanna go to Vegas?

Because it's exciting.

Because bad girls are always more enticing.

Because deep down you want her to be innocent.

You're dying to prove it.

It all makes sense now.

I see it all, it's magnificent.

Cut the shit, Brucey.

There's no way we could get to Vegas if we wanted to,

which we don't.

We're broke.

What, you an orphan?

No way.

Cry, beg, plead, do whatever you have to do.

Parents always give in.

Lenny, baby, oh!

Come in, come in, come in.

Clayton, look who's here.

Oh, honey, you look terrific.

You look like shit.

Your brother's goodlooking, but you look like shit.

Don't mind him, dear. He hasn't been himself since his lobotomy.

Wow.

- Who the hell are you? - Remember me?

I'm Bruce, Lenny's best friend.

Figures, Lenny was always hanging around with geeks.

You still in school, Lenny?

Sponsored for the second year.

Good, saves money.

Can spend it on entertainment.

Listen, Mom, we need to talk.

Go ahead, talk to your mother.

I need money, Mom.

We gave you money in November.

It's August now, Mom.

Oh, dear, how time flies.

Well, what about the sponsorship?

Doesn't cover abortions, Mom.

You're having an abortion?

Not me, Mom, my girlfriend.

Oh, Clayton, Lenny needs money for an abortion.

Lenny is an abortion.

Besides, he doesn't get laid.

I'm trying to tell you she's pregnant.

Tell the truth, son. You want that money for drugs, don't you?

OK, Dad, you figured it out.

I want drugs.

Give him 20 dollars, Sophie, for, um... honesty.

Twenty bucks? What the hell do you expect me to buy for 20 bucks?

Hey, don't knock it. It buys a lot of good shit.

My uncle made it to Vegas on ten bucks once.

Yeah, 1964.

No, that's it, Brucey, I've had it.

Oh, Len, Len, you can't stop now, guy.

Look, Len, no one else knows we've got this stuff.

How can you be so sure?

(Scoffs) Look around, you see anyone following us?

Nope, just a black van.

Yeah, what black van?

(Sighs) You're starting to see things, Len.

It's not a good sign.

Of course it's only natural considering the pressure.

What are you, my analyst?

Analyze this, Sigmund Freud.

We'll hitch to Vegas, no charge.

No way, I am not hitching, and I am not going to Vegas and that's final!

Your brilliant idea doesn't seem to be working.

Obviously the Chinese community here is not very strong.

(Lenny) Hey, it's the black van.

What, do you wanna wait for maybe turquoise? Come on.

(Lenny) 'The more involved I got, the more I learned to trust my gut feeling.

'And this time my gut feeling was telling me I was wrong about that black van.

'Like Bruce said, there was nothing to worry about.'

- Thanks for the ride, pal. - Don't mention it.

We've been waiting out there for more than an hour.

Not many people going to Vegas today.

- You're going all the way to... - You bet.

Great.

Look, I'll be candid with ya, huh, cos I trust you.

Just don't say where you heard this.

Actually, we're on a mission.

Started training real early.

We can handle weapons, explosives, phone taps.

Lenny, here is an expert with microfilm.

The boys down at the Bureau call him The Wiz.

I see.

We're, er... we're on the trail of a large scale conspiracy.

Murder, drugs.

Vegas is the key.

- How do you know? - Can't say. (Sniggers)

Right.

For your own protection, pal.

Look, this business is full of real mean dudes,

guys who'd shoot you right between the eyes in cold blood.

I know just what you mean.

(Bruce) You ever been to Nicaragua? We were there once.

Had to free a political prisoner.

Our... our contact was a guy named Carlos.

(♪ CHERYL FRANKS & JOHN ESCOSA: "Feel For The Win")

♪ Somewhere deep inside you you know

♪ You've got to feel for the win

♪ You feel it kicking in

♪ Oh, feel for the win

♪ It's pulling you in, yeah

♪ Somewhere down the line

♪ You've gotta start believing your hunches

♪ If you're gonna win the fight

♪ You've gotta roll with the punches

♪ So the day is gone almost

♪ It's all night then

♪ If you're gonna do something, you gotta begin

♪ You've got to feel of the win ♪

Thanks again.

Yeah, take it easy, man, and be careful, huh?

And forget everything I told you for your own protection.

You have got diarrhea of the mouth.

Bullshitting is an art.

Bullshitting can get us in serious trouble.

- (Scoffs) With who, him? - (Lenny) Yeah.

That is the least dangerous guy I have ever seen in my life.

I mean, right now he's probably, er... probably going back to the casino, right?

He'll lose a couple bucks, get something to eat,

maybe get laid and then he's going home.

I mean, he works hard all month. He needs a little time to unwind, huh?

Traveling salesman, trust me.

I'm hungry.

So we're in Vegas. Well, we got 20 bucks.

We turn it into 200 like that, huh? We'll be eating lobster, getting laid.

You wanna share a hamburger?

(Line ringing)

(Phone ringing)

(Sighs)

Sure you ain't got the wrong number?

No way, this is the number Skip gave me.

Consider the source.

(Phone ringing)

Hello?

(Clears throat) Ah... can I talk to Christie, please?

She's not here. Maybe I can help.

Yeah, ah... no, I-I really need to speak to Christie.

Um... yeah, see, it's an important job, and the client wants her.

Well, I can give you an address. She's on her way there now.

(Karrothers) 'Are you sure?'

Positive, they know more than just the murder.

(Karrothers) 'How do you know?'

They said so. Listen.

(Bruce) 'We're on the trail of a large scale conspiracy, murder.'

Convinced?

(Karrothers) 'Damn it, they know too much.'

Let me take them out.

(Karrothers) 'OK, but make it nice and clean.'

I'm glad you agree. I'll take care of it.

(Karrothers) 'Since you're in Vegas, when you're finished with them,

'I want you to make a pickup for me.'

Sure, I can make a pickup. Glad to oblige, Mr. K.

(Karrothers) 'Write this down. Corner of Seigel and Corleone.'

- Seigel and Corleone. - (Karrothers) 'Midnight.'

Midnight. How would I know?

(Karrothers) 'They will say your name and you will say "who".'

They'll say my name and I say "who".

(Karrothers) 'Right.'

Right, I'll take care of it.

(Karrothers) 'Call me when you have the money.

'Not later than midnight.'

Don't worry, Mr. K., your money is safer with me than with the B. of A.

(Lenny) If this girl is involved in a murder, then she's probably got a gun.

If she's got a gun, she'll probably use it.

If she uses it, we're probably deceased.

Discretion here is definitely the better part of valor.

Who said that?

Shakespeare.

Personally, I prefer Chuck Norris.

Read my lips, Rambo, discretion.

(Both sigh)

(Lenny) 'We were determined to follow Christie to her apartment,

'and get to the bottom of things.

'Following a suspected hit woman who was probably armed was pretty dangerous.

'I was proud of us.

'We had the makings of real heroes.'

(Lenny sighs)

- Great, we're fucked. - I know we're fucked.

(Lenny sniffing)

Hey, wait a minute.

(Bruce sniffing)

What are you doing?

I still have a nose for perfume, remember?

(Lenny sniffing)

(Lenny sniffing)

This is definitely the door.

- You're sure? - Trust me.

Whoa!

We, er... we slipped.

(High-pitched voice) It's OK, honey. We all do.

You two are cute. You wanna play?

- We probably should be, er... - Leaving.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, I was just about to make espresso.

(Lenny sniffing)

Remember, discretion.

(Door creaking)

(Men) Surprise!

(Applauding and cheering)

(Lenny) Hi.

Cut it out!

I said cut it out!

Something's wrong here.

This isn't Mario.

No kidding, this isn't Mario.

Who the fuck are you geeks?

- Freeze, police! - (Guns clicking)

- Yeah, I say kill the fuckers. - (Others) Yeah!

(Burps)

Come on.

I mean, do we look like cops to you?

We're, er... part of Christie's act.

- What? - Come on, tell 'em. Honey!

She does this all the time. She's such a kidder.

Honey, the man's got a gun to my face.

(Chuckles) It's a matter of life and death, honey.

That true, lady?

It's alright. They work for me.

See, I told ya.

(Man) Turn off the lights, and start all over again, alright?

Mario will be here any minute.

I'll just go touch up my makeup.

I'd like to see you in my office.

(Lenny chuckles)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Love you, love you all. You're a great group.

(Lenny) Marvelous.

It's pretty bizarre story.

You're a pretty bizarre kid, and you're Skip's brother.

That qualifies you as a certified asshole.

I take it you're not crazy about Skip.

(Bruce) Well, neither is Lenny, OK?

(Christie) Oh, so we have something in common.

Did you ever find any film for your camera?

(Lenny) Oh, yeah, film. I promise, look, here are the photos.

Listen, sweetheart, you seem like a nice kid to me.

Listen to the man, huh? He's trying to save your life.

He's right, I'm determined. I am.

We're determined to solve this case.

(Christie) Case, what case?

What are you, James Bond Junior?

We need to ask you a few questions.

Go ahead, I haven't got all night.

(Lenny) After you left, you know,

I understand you were pissed and everything,

but after you left, did you go to the beach?

- (Christie) Sure. - (Lenny) In a bathing suit?

(Christie) No, in a suit of armor.

Of course I was wearing a bathing suit.

Do you have a black rose tattoo on...

(Christie) Never leave home without it.

What about the gun?

What gun?

Concealed weapon, lethal, a pistol.

(Cocks gun)

(Christie) Sorry I have to do this.

You seem like nice kids to me, but you know too much.

I'm... I'm hit, I'm bleeding!

(Christie laughing)

It's a water pistol. I had it specially made for my act.

Am I innocent now?

Didn't buy it for a second.

We thought somebody got killed with that gun today.

(Christie) Come on, tap water's not that bad, not even in LA.

(Lenny) No, really.

Somebody dropped dead at the beach today,

and in the photo it looks like you killed him.

Oh! Oh, shit.

(Lenny) Have you seen this guy?

- I know him, that's Ned... - Carson, we know.

Bad news that guy, real asshole.

Why?

Well, I don't know all the details, but he's into drugs and stuff.

Think somebody might want him dead?

(Humming)

Hello!

(Chuckles) Don't worry, bro, I'm coming to help you.

Man, these are heavy.

Let go of me, son of a bitch.

Ah, bastard!

You feel better now?

Hey, kill the lights!

He's on his way.

(Bruce) OK, sir, we're outta here.

Listen, I'm glad we had this chance to straighten things out.

Maybe now you'll think of me as a human being

instead of just Skip's brother.

Blood is thicker than water.

Yeah, remember that when you shoot that guy tonight.

(Bruce) Ah.

- (Grunts) - (Lenny) Did you hear that?

(Christie) Hand me my gun, will you? I gotta go.

(Bruce) Ah, yeah, sure. Um... it's down here somewhere.

Gun, gun, uh... OK, yeah, got it.

(Humming) Good luck.

- Thanks. - (Bruce) Get him right between the eyes.

Hey, dudes.

(Both snickering)

Mario.

(Cheering and applauding)

(Gunshot)

That was loud for a water pistol.

Must be special effects.

- (Men shouting) - (Christie screaming)

Fuck discretion, let's run!

(Screams)

- (Lenny) Shit, it's that guy's van! - (Bruce) Man, we're lucky.

- (Lenny) Shit, no keys! - (Bruce) Pull the cables.

- What cables? - The ignition cables, go, go, go!

- (Lenny) It's Christie! - (Bruce) Stop.

(Christie gasping)

Hey!

(Lenny) Come on, come on!

(Bruce) Come on, go!

Burn rubber, man!

(Lenny) This piece of shit doesn't burn rubber!

She's getting away, shit!

What the hell happened back there?

Christ, I don't know! I just squirted the gun!

- (Christie screams) - (Tires screeching)

(Horns blaring)

Shit, this is a real gun!

I'm dead, I'm dead.

You're an asshole!

The bullet went through your window, one inch from your head!

(Sirens wailing)

Whoa! Shit, whoa!

- Nice watch, bro. - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Ah, you can't take it with you.

(Eskenazy screaming)

Shit, man, somebody threw away a perfectly good white man.

All this excitement, I... I gotta take a leak.

What are you, crazy? We-we can't stop now!

Fine by me. We'll float home.

Damn!

(Lenny) 'The corner of Seigel and Corleone looked like a ghost town.

'I stopped the car to let Bruce do what kings do alone.

'Little did I know destiny was waiting.'

(Unzips pants)

(Urinates)

Put this on. It'll keep you warm.

Thanks.

- Come on, come on. - (Bruce) Fine, I'll ring it.

Eskenazy?

- (Lenny) Who? - Right.

We've got Mr. K.'s package. He's waiting for it right now, get going.

(Zips pants)

Right.

There's gotta be half a million dollars here, give or take a thousand.

Great, everybody in Las Vegas with an Italian last name is after me

and I get stuck with two underage drug dealers.

That drop wasn't for us. It was for somebody else.

That guy who gave us a lift from LA.

And besides, you don't even know if Mario's dead.

I shot him, for Christ sakes!

- Did you see him hit? - There's no way I could've missed.

We gotta go to the police and tell 'em what's going on.

- (Bruce) You nuts? - He's right, no police.

Alright. Alright, we go back to LA,

hide you out at my place, and consider the alternatives in the morning.

You know something, Len?

You're beginning to show some real criminal potential.

(Lenny) 'It was 3:21am

'and a certain Mr. Karrothers was still waiting for his money.

'He asked his goons to exercise a little friendly persuasion.'

(Groaning)

Well, well, well. B. of A. is open early today.

What is this shit?

We're here to make a withdrawal for Mr. K.

Don't!

(Tutting)

Good help is hard to find these days.

(TV) 'Las Vegas police say they know very little

'about a shootout at a Vegas penthouse last night.

'Mario Argento, son of casino mogul Bruno Argento,

'allegedly a mafia don before coming to Las Vegas,

'on what the authorities call legitimate business,

'was the target of an unidentified hitman at a bachelor party last night,

'only a day before his scheduled marriage to Lucy Dane,

'daughter of gambling tycoon Sydney Dane.

'Argento is back at home today after being treated for minor wounds.

'Heavy police surveillance is expected at today's wedding ceremonies.

'Although police insist that there is no connection

'between the Argento shooting and the execution style murder

'of hired assassin Amadeus Eskenazy this morning,

'informed sources have told this station

'that Eskenazy's death may have occurred in retaliation for the attempt on Argento.

'Authorities are currently investigating Eskenazy's background

'and employment history for clues.'

- 'This is Chris Thomas for...' - Looks like you're in the clear.

I don't know.

Maybe they just want me to think I am, so I'll come out into the open.

You're welcome to stay here for a couple of days.

Wait until all this blows over.

Why are you so nice to me?

Because bad women are always more enticing.

Let me read between the lines.

Skip's given you some debriefing.

It's not Skip that bothers me, it's your job.

Well, Skip hates my guts, because he didn't get what he wanted,

and my job, there's nothing wrong with it.

I'm an entertainer.

How much entertaining are we talking about here?

You were there, you saw it.

I make men drool for 200 bucks.

I get paid, I get dressed, and I get out.

- That's all? - That's all.

(Chuckles) Terminal.

What's terminal?

Bitching, good, excellent.

Thank God you're not like your brother.

I used to wanna be, you know?

Now I'm starting to like me the way I am.

So am I.

OK, right. Thanks, Melanie. OK, bye.

What? Right, I'll call you. OK, bye.

Well, it's all starting to make sense.

What did she say?

She said she heard Carson shooting his mouth off

about a deal he had with some guy named Michael Karrothers.

His wife's a real slut.

She dresses up like Marilyn Monroe, cruises the beach.

Sounds like blackmail to me.

- One thing still bothers me. - What?

(Burps)

Pepperoni.

Actually, there is something that bothers me.

- What's that? - The body.

What happened to it?

Well, did anyone else see the murder?

I don't know.

Seems to me, if you're looking for a murderer,

you better make sure there was a murder.

Right.

Right!

OK, you stay here,

and you and I are gonna go ask some questions.

Nobody knows we're involved in this thing.

Yet.

Come on, get your ass off the table. Let's get outta here.

I've created a monster.

Be honest.

I can't, it goes against my principles.

I didn't hear anything about any stiffs on the beach.

- Nothing? - Nothing.

You sure?

Hey man, you guys ask too many questions.

You ask more questions than that other guy did.

What other guy?

- Real ugly dude. - That's a big help.

Drives a black van.

- Oh, shit. - That's what I said.

He was real strange too.

He came up asking me all kind of information about you guys,

but I didn't tell him nothing.

I wouldn't tell him a word about you. Nothing, I was fast, firm.

- Hey, Fantastic. - I was a grave... Huh?

Where's Brucey?

How did you know?

ES. fucking P., Jack.

We've had it.

He knows us. He gave us a ride, we're dead.

Wrong, he's dead.

He's gonna kill us and we can run, but we can't hide.

What did you say?

He's dead, somebody killed him this morning.

- Terminal. - Absolutely.

Then we're, er... then we're safe.

Absolutely.

- And no one's following us? - Nobody.

And those guys behind us, they're just figments of my imagination, right?

Oh, shit.

- Friends of yours? - That's the guy with the briefcase.

I gotta take a leak.

How about a hot fudge?

A bunch of Jimmy Cagney rejects are after us,

- and you want ice cream? - Mm-hmm.

(Cyclist) Hey, give me back my bike, you fat ass!

That's my bike!

Can we get one chocolate chip and an Uzi?

We don't make war, silly, just ice cream.

How many scoops can I get on one cone?

As many as you like.

Well, start mounting.

Ooh, I'd love too.

Everybody, can I have your attention, please?

(Bruce) Everybody, listen up to him.

I want you to help me in welcoming

America's number one ice cream manufacturer,

- Mr. Enrico Zabaglione, yes, yes! - (Crowd clapping)

Mr. Zabaglione is here today

on behalf of the Lick Me, Eat Me ice cream company,

and he's here to sponsor an ice cream fight

that will pay 1,000 dollars to the lucky winner!

- (Cheering and applause continues) - Look at that, look at that!

He's reaching for the money right now!

Are we gonna give him what he wants?

(Crowd) Yeah!

You bet we are!

Oh, hurt me, I love it.

Ah... oh, oh, oh, it's so cold, oh!

You're so sweet.

You give great cone.

I'm not gonna eat ice cream for the rest of my life.

Let's see.

I'm not crazy about the chocolate chip.

Mmm, raspberry is more like it.

- You know what? - What?

I'm greedy. I just decided to go for the whole 31 flavors.

(Lenny) 'We made passionate, uncontrolled, steamy,

'wet, orgiastic, screaming love until the sun went down.

'It wasn't the only one.'

Thanks again, Melanie. I owe you one. Bye-bye.

Here's the address.

Why do you wanna go to Karrothers' house anyway?

I think he's got all the answers.

Don't you think that's a little risky?

Hey, risk is his middle name, babe.

Promise to be careful.

Of course not. I love mutilation.

'It looked like we were starting to crack the case.

'To penetrate Karrother's heavy security, we mapped out a plan Bruce devised,

'and the pattern of the Trojan horse.'

(Bruce) Trojan? I didn't know they made horses too.

(Lenny) Your ignorance is showing again.

(Bruce) I'm promising raw material. I can't see a thing.

(Lenny) You're not supposed to. You're a bush, you're a vegetable.

- (Bruce) What's the difference? - (Lenny) Bushes have brains.

(Bruce) Oh.

(Engine roaring nearby)

(Car door opening)

(Door closing)

(Trunk opening)

(Trunk closing)

(Lenny) Let's go.

(Bruce) Damn, my legs are killing me.

(Lenny) Come on.

(Dog growling)

Like that old man walking by the house.

Right in the middle, you know? The guy was real quick.

(Lenny) Oh great, it's the gardeners.

- How about you, getting any? - No.

Hey, I'll give you some numbers. There's a some real nice ones.

- (Gate buzzes open) - (Lenny) Ah, shit.

- (Bruce) Huh? - (Lenny) Alarm system. Come on.

- (Guard #1 yawns) Hey, I am dead. - (Guard #2) Tired?

I have been up for about 24, 48 hours. I don't know.

- What have you been up to lately? - Not too much.

- (Cigarette sizzles) - (Lenny) Ow!

- What's the matter? - Thought I heard something.

Let's go see.

Did you take care of the body?

(Hitman) As promised.

What about the kids? Your man, Eskenazy, couldn't deliver.

- (Hitman) I'll handle it. - You do that.

But I want my half million before you even think about touching them.

I'm not a violent man, you know?

I just get that way when people screw around with my money.

(Hitman chuckles) I'll be careful.

Very careful.

- (Bruce) Are they gone? - (Lenny) They better.

That cigarette butt is still burning me.

- (Bruce) Watch the dog shit. - (Lenny) Oh, shit.

(Bruce) I told you.

(Karrothers) Remember, the kids know about the murder.

If they got my money, I want the money back first!

- Then you take them out. - (Hitman) Right.

(Karrothers) No screw-ups this time.

And don't ever come back to this house again.

(Footsteps approaching)

(Whispers) Knock it off. Stop!

Hey, do people shrink in these things?

No, but they do catch all kinds of diseases.

I don't know. I think I need more variety in my sex life.

It gets boring with the same damn woman.

- It must be heated? - Must be.

Please be.

I wouldn't mind giving Mr. Karrothers's old lady a tryout, you know?

Staying alive after could be a real problem though.

No drink for me?

The party's over for you, lady.

I thought we agreed to put everything behind us.

So far I've managed with the infidelity, the murder and the blackmail,

but I'm not so sure about the half million dollars.

They're just kids, Mike. You'll get your money back.

If they were here right now, I'd drown the little bastards.

- Lenny, I gotta take a leak. - No!

You didn't!

Goddamn it, Stacey, you get mixed up in this shit again,

it'll be a lot cheaper and a hell of a lot less painful to have you killed.

(Sighs) I love it when you talk dirty.

Freeze!

Greetings, earthlings.

We were consuming mass quantities of liquids from your fluid tank and...

Hands up, assholes, real slow.

Mr. Karrothers is gonna be real glad to see these guys.

Go get him.

We wouldn't wanna disturb him at this hour, would we, sir?

We might get his carpet wet.

- How long until it goes off? - Until what goes off?

- Minor plastics. - Yeah.

On the pool window.

Not a lot of noise. Just a... it's a poof and lots of water.

I'd make it about 20,000 gallons, wouldn't you say?

Eighteen thousand. Er... 19 tops.

(Gate buzzes open)

(Alarm blaring)

(Engine starts)

(Karrothers) Get your ass out of the pool, you moron!

- (Lenny) What the hell are you doing? - (Bruce) I don't know.

I-I've never been in a Rolls before.

(Tires screeching)

Don't let 'em get away! Stop 'em!

Hey, that's my car, you asshole!

My...

- (Alarm continues blaring) - Get outta here!

We stole his car, man. Michael Karrothers's car.

He is gonna have our balls for breakfast.

Karrothers knows, he knows who we are.

He knows we have the money. He knows we know he had Carson killed.

No wonder I'm numb. We're already dead.

I don't think so.

The mob thinks that Karrothers hired Eskenazy to bump off Mario.

What does that make Karrothers?

- A dead man. - And Mrs. Karrothers?

- A widow. - A very wealthy widow.

- You don't mean... - Exactly.

I think she's in this thing a lot deeper than we think.

(Siren wailing)

Shit.

Charles Bronson would make a run for it.

- You got the equipment, go! - Are you crazy?

Have we done anything wrong?

Step out of the vehicle, please.

Something wrong, Officer?

Just step out of the vehicle.

Pretty humid tonight, huh?

Is this your vehicle?

Company car.

Open the trunk, please.

Sure, the trunk.

Er... let's see, um...

Thanks.

Nothing there but the spare, Officer.

Put your hands above your head and spread your legs now!

W-wait... wait a minute. We... we just borrowed this car from a friend!

- Do it! - OK!

You have the right to remain silent!

Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law!

You have the right to an attorney!

Goddamn it!

Cool down, sweetheart. Remember your blood pressure.

They're fucking amateurs walking in and out of here undisturbed.

My highly paid professionals end up in the goddamn pool!

My whole life is ruined in a single day because I'm surrounded by idiots!

- You will work it out. - The hell I will.

I lose my wife to a beach bum,

a couple of kids steal my money and my car,

and the whole Vegas mafia want my head on a platter.

- (Door opening) - What else could go wrong?

(Footsteps approaching)

(Sneezes) I'm sorry to bother you, Mr. Karrothers,

but there's a policeman here to see you.

Affirmative. Will do.

I understand.

OK, you're free to go.

- Go where? - I said you're free to go.

- Can I ask you a question? - You're pushing your luck, kid.

Just one.

What was in the trunk? Who bailed us out?

Are you trying to frame us? Are you really gonna let us go or...

'The mystery wasn't so mysterious anymore.

'But we didn't know who our anonymous benefactor had been.

'We soon knew everything about the body

'in the trunk of Karrothers's car.

'I decided to go back and re-examine the evidence,

'all the slides I had from the day of the murder.

'Take a new perspective.'

Alright, let's see.

OK, here's Carson.

And he's holding something.

It's pictures.

Of, er... of Karrothers old lady in the act with her gigolo, right?

Right.

OK, here's the murder. Alright, there's Carson, he's getting it.

Here he's falling.

Here he's hitting the dust.

Now he's dead.

Oh, yeah, here's Bruce's wonderful photos of feet.

(Lenny sighs)

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Bruce, Bruce, you are a genius.

I know that.

Remember... remember when I gave you the camera?

You took the pictures. You bumped into Carson, right?

- Yeah, right. - Those are Carson's boots.

What does that prove?

I saw these boots walking across Karrothers's driveway last night.

God, that's right, we did.

That means that...

Exactly, and I can prove it.

(Line ringing)

(Carson) 'I'm on vacation for a couple of weeks.

'Don't leave a message.'

On the day of the murder, we called Carson and he had a different message.

How could he change it if he was dead?

Boy, are you smart?

It wasn't Carson's murder we saw in the photos.

It was Carson who murdered somebody.

Carson was the killer and the victim was, um... Mrs. Karrothers's gigolo.

(Carson) Boy, are you smart?

I like smart kids.

Smart kids should stay in college, get a degree, be useful to society.

Mrs. Karrothers's gigolo turned out to be a real asshole.

Had some photos taken of himself and the little woman,

real hot stuff.

Went around asking for money for the negatives,

which is typical of an asshole.

So the old lady gives him some.

Karrothers finds out about it and gets pissed.

Not because someone's porking his wife,

but because someone's screwing his bank account.

When the asshole got greedier, he gave me ten Gs to waste the fucker.

Worked like a charm.

The guy doesn't wanna do the deal except in public

where there's plenty of people around.

Even assholes have brains.

So Mrs. K. sets him up real nice.

I walk up to him like I'm bringing him the money,

pretend to stumble and knock myself out cold.

The old lady says to the guy,

"Let's get him outta here and look for the money."

They pull me outta sight behind the can.

The guy goes for the money.

I ventilate him.

Nobody hears a thing.

Getting the body to the old lady's car is no problem.

In Venice, even carrying around a stiff looks normal.

Besides, cops were already busy booking some dame on a section 211,

illegal possession of big tits.

And then you kids decide to start playing detective.

(Tuts)

Bad for Mr. Karrothers.

Bad for Eskenazy, the poor, stupid bastard.

And especially bad for you.

Because now you have to kill us.

(Clicks tongue) You get smarter every minute, kid.

Before or after we give you the money?

(Laughs) I'm not worried about the money.

I'm good at organizing things, like when old lady Karrothers says,

"How'd you like to make a hundred Gs instead of just ten?"

So I tell her how we can incriminate her husband and put the stiff in his car,

and get his fingerprints on my gun and get rid of him,

and then you fucked that up, too.

But now I'm thinking what if the cops come here,

and find you laid out with some of Karrothers's money?

Everything would fit.

Real nice. Uh-uh, I wouldn't.

(Whispers) Count to three and close your eyes.

Goodbye, kids.

(Lenny) Run!

(Gunshots)

Freeze!

Drop the gun!

(Gasps)

You decide.

Get back, put your guns down.

Nice and slow.

(Officer) Get back, back.

That's it.

Ow!

Now, the little lady and I are going for a walk. Nobody moves.

I see one pubic hair twitch, she's dead.

(Screams)

(Helicopter whirring)

(Police) 'Attention, attention, you are surrounded!

'Give yourself up!

'Do not attempt to escape!

'Drop the gun!

'Get off the bike!

'Drop your pants and get your hands up!'

(Siren wailing)

(Woman) Asshole!

Oh, shit!

(Engine roaring)

Skip, get that guy!

- What guy? - The guy over there!

What, are you crazy?

There's big money in it!

Didn't you know? When it comes to brotherhood, I'm true blue!

Come on, guys!

Yeah!

Yes!

(Skip) We'll catch him.

I saved your life, dude!

Where's my money?

(Crowd applauding)

So tell us, Skip, how does it feel being a hero?

Ah, come on, let's not exaggerate. Feels good.

- Did you have any help solving the case? - Help?

Well, um... no.

I'm a loner. Always work alone.

Excuse me, excuse me. Um... yes, excuse me.

Um... would you like to know who really solved this murder?

- Yes, I would. - These two gentlemen right here.

Come on in here. Yeah, these two gentlemen right here.

- They really solved the murder. - (Crowd applauding)

Yeah, listen, this is TV time.

These are the two gentlemen that solved the case all by themselves.

(Reporter) I see. And who are you, sir?

I am Detective Jesse Turner Junior, LAPD Homicide.

You heard it here first, folks.

This is Jennifer Mayer, KNLA, live from Venice Beach.

(Lenny) 'Fantastic an undercover cop.

'It seemed incredible.

'He'd been there three months sleeping at the beach

'on the trail of Karrothers's drug trafficking ring.

'When we got involved, he sidetracked us with Helga

'to buy some time, put taps on us.

'We did the dirty work, but he was in control.

(Chuckles) 'When we got arrested, he was the one who bailed us out.'

Well, then everything got screwed up.

Christie shot Mario by mistake,

and his old man thought Karrothers had something to do with it,

- and then we found the money. - Right.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What money are you talking about?

Well, about a half a million dollars in small bills.

Some kind of pay off or something.

- I didn't hear that. - I said...

No, no, no, you don't understand.

My office doesn't know anything about any money.

- No? - No.

Now, Karrothers is too busy in jail to miss it.

Mrs. K. is about to be indicted as an accomplice.

And Carson, he's looking at 300 years in solitary, if he's lucky.

So... what money are you talking about?

(Bruce) Listen to the man, pal.

We don't know anything about any money either.

(Chuckles) Oh no, Brucey, no way.

Grow up, homeboy.

Now, think of all the things that you can do with that money.

Youth and bravery has its rewards.

(Bruce) I agree.

(Chuckles) Ditto on me.

No way, I am not going to keep it and that's final.

(♪ ALI THOMSON: "Just Dive In")

♪ This is where I want to be

♪ Playing hard and running free

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin

- ♪ Why don't we just dive in... - (Honks horn)

♪ Just dive in

♪ We can make a dream come true

♪ Sailing on an ocean blue

♪ You know we're living on the edge of heaven

♪ Waiting to begin... ♪

Sure I resisted at first, but then I listened to reason.

See, I'm the kind of guy who needs motivation to act.

What can I say?

Spending somebody else's half million bucks is a tough job

but hey, somebody has to do it.

- Whoo! Yeah! - (Christie laughs)

(♪ ALI THOMSON: "Wake Up The World")

♪ Another day we survive this wheel of fortune

♪ Just waiting to reign on the night

♪ No other way to revive this celebration

♪ Get ready to stand in the line

♪ Dance down the valley of kings

♪ Shake up the rules we made

♪ We're gonna wake up the world tonight

♪ Do what we want to do

♪ Up to the limit and right on through

♪ We're gonna wake up the world

♪ Shake up the world tonight

♪ Dangerous moves we may make in search of our dream

♪ Risking it all just to win

♪ Somehow this time, we're alive, alive and kicking

♪ Just waiting on the good times to begin, oh

♪ Dance down the valley of kings

♪ Shake up the rules we made

♪ We're gonna wake up the world tonight

♪ Do what we want to do

♪ Up to the limit and right on through

♪ We're gonna wake up the world

♪ Shake up the world tonight

♪ Wake up the world

♪ Gonna wake up the world

♪ Dance down the valley of kings

♪ Shake up the rules we made

♪ We're gonna wake up the world tonight

♪ Do what we want to do

♪ Up to the limit and right on through

♪ We're gonna wake up the world

♪ Wake up the world

♪ Dance down the valley of kings

♪ Shake up the rules we made

♪ We're gonna wake up the world tonight ♪