Original subtitles

(radio music popping)

3 Buzzz is the cola that we drink

& We must have it

♪ Come and get it

♪ It's not just another drink

♪ We want Buzzz, give us Buzzz

♪ Buzzz will change the way you think

& We want Buzzz Cola

& When no one wants you for a date

♪ Drink some Buzzz, only Buzzz

♪ Feed them Buzzz, they'll think you're great

& We love Buzzz Cola

3 No matter what the menu

♪ Buzzz makes every meal complete

♪ We guarantee that it can wash down anything you eat

♪ 'Cause Buzzz is the cola that we drink

& We must have it

♪ Come and get it

$ Get Buzzz

(trippy surf music)

- [Man] Man, this is good shit.

- [Man] Bitchin'.

Oh, it looks like a big one!

(lively surf music)

(water gurgles)

(men chuckle)

- [Man] What's that, man?

(ship hisses) (water gurgles)

(men shout)

(water gurgles)

(ominous music)

(marching music)

(musicians thud)

(marching music) (musician grunts)

- [DJ] Okay, my name's Freddy Snakeskin here on KDIL.

We're gonna be giving away those tickets

for the Killer Pussy show tonight at the Forum.

(people cheer)

- Whoa.

- Oh, what's that?

- That's a girl.

Girl, can you say girl?

- We'll explain later.

(people cheering)

- [Spectator] Shake it!

(marching music)

- Big Head.

(marching music)

(fence rattles)

- [Man] Hold it!

- Oh no, it's Mr. Beaker.

- Going somewhere, Chuck?

- Bob.

- Bob. - Chuck.

- [Beaker] Cindy Lou.

- Lindy Sue. - Wendy Sue.

- Cindy Lou.

- And Mr. Big Head.

- Yeah, dude, we're going crazy listening

to this lousy high school band.

- Well, we'll just have to bring that up

with our principal Mr. Daddy O.

(marching music)

- [Crowd] Hey, Daddy O!

- Quiet. - Go home!

- Your mama.

I have some terrible news.

- I can't hear!

- [Daddy O] I said I have some terrible news.

- What?

- A couple of our students have been seriously injured.

- Big deal!

- [Daddy O] The boys met with a terrible surfing accident.

- [Crowd Member] What?

- I said they met with a terrible surfing accident.

- Surf's up!

(people cheer)

& When I reach that final destination

♪ I will drive a car and leave a compensation

♪ With the little reeling and a lot of rocking

♪ You're my hot rod mama

♪ In your fishnet stockings

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

♪ Ooh ooh

♪ Well, I'm cruising low

♪ And I'm cruising mean

♪ Well, I'm cruising slow in my street machine

♪ You're my hot rod mama

♪ And you're really built for speed

♪ You're built for speed

- [DJ] Poorman here on the Mighty Dildo,

sticking it to you as always, KDIL.

We've got an important news bulletin from City Beach,

ladies and gentlemen, that could affect

the Buzzz Invitational Surf Contest.

The police are on the scene,

apparently investigating a surf accident.

We'll have more details later on that to fill you in,

so stick with us.

(people chattering)

- Do you feel a draft?

What is that out there?

(zipper buzzes)

I guess it's nothing.

Could've been a sub.

Can't be too careful, you know.

Hey, Daddy O.

- What have we here, Chef?

- Well, I'm not sure, but nobody

goes near the water until I get to the bottom of it,

and don't call me Chef.

Inspector Underwear, get over here, asshole.

(girls gag)

I want you to dust the beach for prints.

Oh!

Excuse me, son.

All right, the way I see it,

either we've got several hundred maniacs

running loose or we've got a serious problem.

- What makes you think that?

- Well, how else could two boys be attacked

out there in the middle of the ocean during-

- It could be a Great White.

- Never thought of that.

No, this looks like it was done by professionals.

I want you to keep all those kids in school

until I crack this case.

(people groan)

- In the school?

But it's the weekend.

- That's your problem.

I've got enough trouble of my own around here.

- I don't believe it, a couple of guys get wasted,

and what do they do, close the beach.

- What a bummer.

- [Beaker] Kids.

- Oh, here's it, "clear the area."

All right, everybody, clear the areal

- Hey, no problemo, Chief.

Let's bail!

(people shout)

♪ Hold me back

♪ Won't you hold me back

♪ Hold me back

- [Chief] Shit, that's not what I meant.

♪ Hold me back

(lively surf music)

♪ Teacher doesn't understand

♪ Just how dangerous I am

♪ I need a break from the world

♪ Now more than ever

♪ I need it good

I I need something I can taste

♪ And a vacation from the human race

I I need money

♪ I need it bad

♪ If I don't have it

♪ I get mad

& And when I'm mad

♪ I do such terrible things

♪ I get real crazy and I make girls scream

♪ So hold me back

♪ Oh, won't hold me back

♪ I can get violent any time

♪ Hold me back

♪ I feel another attack

♪ Brewing deep inside me

♪ Hold me back

♪ Oh, won't you hold me back

♪ Hold me back

♪ Oh, won't you hold me back

♪ Hold me back

♪ Oh, won't you hold me back

♪ I get violent any time

(people chattering)

- Would you mellow out?

- Come on, guys, cheer up.

They can't keep the beach closed forever.

It's bound to be open for the big surf contest.

- Yeah, but what are we supposed to do in the meantime?

- You could pay a little bit more attention to us.

- [Chuck] Swingin'.

- Check it out.

- Hey, look, it's her again.

- The new girl.

Her name is Sparkle.

- Sparkle. - Sparkle.

- Sparkle, I can't believe it after all this time,

you can't even remember our names.

(people chattering)

(glass shatters)

- Pretty radical.

(bottle squeaks)

(man belches)

- Must be from LA.

A bow bow.

- No doubt.

No one else would be crazy enough to drink

that crap our dads call cola.

(phone rings)

- Yeah, Buzzz Cola.

Yeah, what do you want?

You're being a jerk, O'Finley.

Wasn't my advice right?

Didn't I advise you to put the fruit juices

next to the gay magazines?

Didn't it work?

Well then, what the hell are you talking about?

Look- - Hang up on him, will ya?

- Oh, yeah, one more thing, O'Finley, schlong.

- What an asshole.

- Oh, here it goes, look.

Watch this.

This is great. - What?

- This is great.

- [Man] Oh, that reminds me, Menlo's boys

should be here any minute to pick up some Buzzz.

(man howls)

- He loves it, he loves it, look at that. (laughs)

(man in makeup growls)

- Here he goes. - Hi, boys.

Popcorn?

- Hey.

Hey, all right.

- Whip it wet, huh?

- Hang 11. - Yeah.

Toober City. - Buzzz Power.

Right, Buzzeinhower Power. - Right this way.

- Nice looking group of boys.

I think there's a couple extra cases in the back.

And don't forget to stock up

for the holidays, you know? - That's right.

- [Man] Super Bowl, World Series.

Pro Bowl. - All Star break.

- Is that the money? - Kentucky Derby, Indy 500.

- He's loaded, Indy 600.

Must have a handsome pool job.

Yeah, Jesus, right this way.

I love meeting new clients.

(bottle shatters)

Just put that down anywhere.

- [Man] I can't believe they drink that shit.

- [Man] Well, they got no taste.

Look at the way they dress.

(Poppy music) (people chattering)

- [Man In Blue] Got to drive to stay alive.

- Johnny, you can't.

It says it's out of order.

- Don't matter, I can't read.

- [Chuck] He's got an IQ of 53.

- That's impossible. - I know, I cheated.

Bow bow!

(tires squeal)

(people laugh)

(tires squeal)

(car shatters)

- Hi, you guys.

- Hey. - Oh.

Hello, Sparkle.

- Nice night for a walk on the beach.

- You bet.

- How 'bout starting with a long walk on a short pier?

- Excuse us, it's past their bedtime.

Jocko, Dad said 10.

- Hey, Becker, big tube, pal.

- Gee, I hope I didn't say anything wrong.

- Forget it, you can come with us.

- Yeah, full moon out.

Perfect for night surfing.

- Yeah, you wanna come watch?

- I don't think that's a very good idea.

Aren't you worried about those two guys

who got mutilated out there today?

- Nah, we'll surf around them.

(ominous music)

Whoa!

(machinery roars)

- I hate this.

Everywhere I go, your punks follow me around.

And this makeup, it's not me.

- What are you talking about?

You look beautiful, you look sensational.

You look like the San yo girl, only better.

- This get-up, it's flashy and it's tasteless.

It's everything I've always hated.

- Yeah, well, tacky or not, you gotta wear it.

It's what those surfer nudniks go for.

- Menlo, I don't want them to go for it.

I want them to go for me.

- Look, do me a favor and save

that Hallworth catalog stuff

for someone harder than the Moonies.

- It's important to me.

- The only thing that's important to us

is ridding the world of those bloody idiot surfers.

Okay, you guys, give 'em the works.

(Jocko and Becker grunt)

- I wish you hadn't done that.

They were so nice.

- Nice, nice my tush.

Do you know how many brain surgeons,

nuclear physicists, or Nobel laureates have been surfers?

I'll tell ya, none!

Look, trust me, honey.

We're doing the world a favor.

And just in case you get any smart ideas about leaving,

just remember where you'd be without me.

- Whatever you say, Bunny.

- And for cripe's sake, quit calling me Bunny!

(machinery whizzes)

Good old Buzzz Cola gets 'em every time.

(machinery whirs)

(staccato piano music) (dog barking)

- [Chuck And Bob] Hi, Mom.

- Morning, Bob. - Morning, Chuck.

- [Chuck And Bob] Dad.

- [Dads] Yeah.

- [Chuck And Bob] What's for breakfast?

- [Moms] Here we are, dear, your favorite.

- [Chuck And Bob] Not that shit again.

- [Moms] Watch your mouth in front of your father.

- [Chuck And Bob] Crap.

- [Dads] Watch your mouth in front of your mother.

- [Chuck And Bob] Sorry.

- [Moms] What do you and the boys have planned today?

- [Chuck And Bob] Going to the beach, gotta practice.

- [Moms] Hmm, I thought the surfing beach was closed.

- [Chuck And Bob] It is.

We're screwed.

We're going to the public beach.

- [Moms] I'm surprised.

That's nothing but a closed out shore break.

- [Chuck And Bob] What can we do?

Contest is next week.

- [Dads] There's been a good south swell

running on an incoming tide.

I bet there'll be some bitching tubes.

- [Moms] I beg your pardon.

There hasn't been a makable tube on that beach

since they dredged the marina and laid the jetty.

It's strictly shore pound city.

- [Dads] Listen to the Big Kahuna over here.

Shore pound city.

You wouldn't recognize a four foot tube

if it was staring you in the face.

Can you relate?

- [Moms] Try me some time, jerk off.

(car revs)

- Hi, boys!

- [Chuck] Hi!

- Throw the trash out before you go to the beach, Johnny.

- [DJ] That's right, Jed, yep.

Every week, we have the worst restaurant.

(trash cans rattle)

- And don't forget to take your little brother.

(little brother groans)

(trash cans rattle)

(lively surf music)

♪ If everybody had an ocean

♪ Across the USA

♪ Then everybody would be surfing

♪ Like California

♪ You'd see them wearing their baggies

♪ Huarache sandals, too

♪ A bushy, bushy blonde hairdo

- [Cindy Lou] How are our little surfers today?

- Great, I have leukemia.

- But we're going surfing anyway.

- Hey, what's wrong with your parents?

They look so weird.

- [Lindy Sue] They're worried sick.

- Jocko didn't come home last night,

and didn't bother to call.

- Have fun, kids, don't get too much sun.

- They do look kinda dismal.

- We can't leave them alone like this.

You guys go ahead without us.

- Sure.

The beach will be totally bogus anyway.

What difference does it make?

♪ We'll all be planning that route

♪ We're gonna take real soon

♪ We're waxing down our surf boards

♪ We can't wait for June

♪ We'll all be gone for the summer

♪ We're on safari to stay

♪ Tell the teacher we're surfing

♪ Surf in' USA

(horn honks)

(Big Head chuckles)

(tires squeal)

(RV shatters)

(horns honk)

♪ Everybody's gone surfing

♪ Surf in' USA

♪ Haggerties and Swamies ♪ Inside, outside, USA

♪ Pacific Palisades ♪ Inside, outside, USA

♪ San Onofre and Sunset ♪ Inside, outside, USA

♪ Redondo Beach, LA ♪ Inside, outside, USA

♪ All over the La Jolla ♪ Inside, outside, USA

♪ At Wa'imea Bay ♪ Inside, outside, USA

♪ Everybody's gone surfing

♪ Surf in' USA

♪ Everybody's gone surfing

♪ Surf in' USA

♪ Everybody's gone surfing

♪ Surf in' USA

(men grunt)

(lively surf music)

(man farts)

(men laugh)

(lively surf music)

- What a fucking zoo.

- Really.

- Hey, where's Surfer?

- I'm no surfer.

You guys are behind the times.

- [Bob] You guys are geeks.

- Oh no, you're wrong, these kids are hip.

Here, why don't you have a soda, and let's talk.

- Buzzz?

Yeesh.

I wouldn't drink that crap if you paid me.

- [Menlo] That's what you suckers think.

- What'd you say?

- I said this is what all the surfers drink.

- Forget that.

Check it out.

- Oh, wenches.

- Hi, I'm Bob.

Excuse me, but are you available for dating?

- Perhaps, what do you have in mind?

- [Bob] Are you clean?

- Look at those friends of yours.

The first chance they get, they run off

with a couple hot bimbos.

- Maybe they're friends from school.

- I doubt it.

They were never there long enough to make any.

- So what if they're a little flirtatious?

They're boys, young, blonde, thin, muscular surfer boys

with clear skin, perfect (speaker fades out).

- Shut up, shut up, shut up!

You know how much I hate the surfers.

When you were the homeliest nerd in school

they treated you even worse than they did me.

- I don't care what you say.

I still think they're cute.

- Yeah, and that one with a face like a Rottweiler,

I bet you think he's cute, too.

Take a look at that guy, what a Mongoloid!

(percussive music)

(man moans)

(lively surf music)

(toy squeaks)

- Dear me, this waiting is driving me crazy.

There must be something else we could be doing.

- The police are out there looking,

so I think it's best that we just sit here

and wait, you know, in case Jocko calls, okay?

Here, what do you think of this?

- Amazing.

Seeing all this stuff just makes me wonder

if they'll find Jocko in time for the big beach party.

- Well, try not thinking about it, okay?

- Lindy, why do you think the guys left in such a hurry?

- They didn't even come in for some Beanie Weenies.

You don't think they're up to something, do you?

- I don't know.

There's only one way to find out.

- I was really wasted, and a bunch of us,

a multitude of us came out for this party,

and we went surfing, it was midnight,

and there were 12 foot tubes,

and I was screaming out to space.

- What's in here? - Totally vertical.

And what appears? - Just drink it.

- A rock, a really big one.

- What'd you do?

- What do you mean, you were there!

- I know, man, I just love to hear you tell it.

- [Chuck] So, it's May 12th.

- All right, all right, I'm gonna tell you.

The same night, man, 12 foot waves,

I fall in right, I'm cruising along,

west wind in my face, waves are breaking right,

and I'm just bucking total vertical, man, all right?

I look right, water.

I look left, water.

I am tubed, man, totally tubed.

I mean, we're talking clear, right?

And this guy, this geek, man,

I look at him, he's a total geek,

he comes in from nowhere, geek!

I look at him, and I say (shouts).

- I'm throttled.

- It was bitching, man.

I just lunged him.

(tires scratch)

(Bob and Chuck chattering)

- Those little surfer fucks.

- I wish there was some way we could get even.

- There is.

(strap buzzes)

- [Chief] This better not be a wild goose chase.

These are serious charges.

Are you sure this is the place?

- [Cindy Lou] Right here, right here.

This is where it happened.

It was horrible.

This it, there it is.

The 24. - We couldn't defend

ourselves. - Yeah!

We took karate, so they might have killed us.

- It must be the weirdos you're looking for.

- You're sure?

And they're out there?

(chuckles) I'm gonna like this.

Underwear, give me the radio.

All right, send them in.

(chuckles) Kind of sound like John Wayne.

(sirens wail)

(tires screech)

I love this.

Look, they're looking good.

- Man, I was suffering.

Anyway, I got into the beach.

I get up for my next ride, and I'm going.

Yeah, I lunge him, total lunge with my elbows, all right?

And I just coast in real smooth.

- [Women] Surfer boys.

- [Bob] That's your story, all right?

Really bitching.

- Hey, you guys are nude.

- Very impressive.

Anyway, at that point (indistinct).

- Okay, here we go.

- All right, all right.

- All right, we know you're in there.

So home on out-

- No, no, no, Chief, no, no, no.

- What? - No, no, no.

- Get the light.

- Come, come on out, come on out.

- Okay, I got it.

So come on out with your, is that fans?

- No, it's hands, it's hands.

- Right, okay.

So come on out with your hands up

or we're coming in after you.

(Underwear laughs)

You got one second.

Time's up.

What's that?

- Fire. - Fire.

(guns bang)

- Then I'm going, woo!

- That's the beach. - What is that?

- It's the beach, don't worry.

Tiffany, get a grip on yourself.

- I'm going out, listen, man.

(guns bang)

That Great White.

- It's a can. - It's a bomb.

- It's smoking.

- Whoa.

- Hold this.

(girls scream)

(grenade booms)

- Holy shit. - Shit.

(gun clicks)

- [Bob] Hey, Chuck, man.

- [Chuck] Ow.

Hiroshima.

Hey, a bomb, they threw us a bomb.

Can you dig it?

- You want me to dust them for prints?

- No, let them get dressed.

- How about if I just frisk them a little bit, you know?

- I said let them get dressed.

- Oh, come on, Chief!

How about if I just shake them down a little bit.

- Hands off!

(Chuck and Bob chuckle)

(siren wails)

Get in the truck.

(siren wails)

I know you boys must think this is all one big joke.

I'm gonna show you something that's gonna make

you think twice about being so smart.

You could've been seriously hurt in there.

- Not a chance, they wouldn't let us get past their panties.

(Underwear laughs)

- Shut up.

- He's been like this for hours.

- [Underwear] They found him and that other kid

hanging around that old oil refinery.

- He's just gonna have a little something to eat,

and then I'm sure he'll be his old self again,

won't you, Jocko?

Where's Mama's good boy?

- Jocko. - Jocko.

Jocko.

Jocko?

(can rattles)

- Oh my God! - Jocko.

- [Chuck] Oh, 40 weight, very radical.

- Get away from us.

- Pigs!

- They'll be leaving soon enough.

- What do you think, man?

If he keeps indulging like that,

I don't think Jocko's gonna give us

much trouble in the surf contest.

(Jocko belches)

- Watch this next guy.

This is the best surfer in the world.

This could've been me, fellas,

but I decided to give my life to science.

I remember once I was riding this 50 foot tidal wave.

I thought I was a goner. (alarm buzzes)

Hey, come on in, come on in, you guys.

- What do you say, Schwartzer? - Hiya, pal.

- Here, I guess we're not as young as we used to be, huh?

- Boy, if I didn't get my first wind.

- [Dad] Your boys getting ready

for the big surf contest next week?

- Yeah, they're ready, what about yours?

- Oh, yeah, they're gonna be surfing all right,

but, between you and me, I don't think

they have much of a chance against these wave burners.

- You oughta be ashamed of yourselves

saying that about your own sons.

Any normal parents would want their kids to win.

- What? - Anyway, there may not be

a surf contest, all because of the monsters

you three have created.

- Listen, that's no way to talk around these kids, okay?

I mean, anybody could make a mistake.

Nobody's perfect, can you relate?

- Ah, don't pay any attention to her.

She doesn't know the first thing

about supply side economics.

Not to mention what we're doing for the city

and the national economy.

- I do so.

You're just trying to force that crap soda of yours

on the kids so you two can make a fortune

and you can get your stupid revenge on the surfers.

Ow!

- I say she's just about hit the nail on the head.

- Well, you guys better be going, see you later.

Time to go, it's getting late, see you later.

- Well what about- - It's getting late.

See you later, nice to drop by.

I'll take care of it, don't worry.

I'll see you later, don't forget to write,

send a postcard, see you later, fellas.

I'll take care of everything, don't worry.

So long.

(door clangs)

- I think the whole thing stinks, I'm through.

- [Menlo] Oh, you're through, are you?

Come here.

- You used to be so nice to me.

Even if the kids laughed at us,

at least we had some fun.

- Look at this, remember her?

Well, take a good look, 'cause in exactly three hours,

this could be you, the nerdiest broad

in this whole town unless you cooperate

and do exactly as I tell ya.

- Okay, Bunny, you win.

- Get in here.

Look, don't worry, it's not so bad.

Tomorrow, I'll take you out, and, this time,

nobody will laugh 'cause I'll be out

with the most beautiful girl

in this whole nudnik town.

And here, put this on.

This will keep you beautiful for a few more hours.

(machinery beeps)

- [Sparkle] I hate this.

(bell rings)

- Come on, you guys.

We weren't really interested in those girls on the beach.

It was just humor.

- Very funny.

- You've shown yourselves for what you really are, men.

- That's not true.

- We're surfers.

- Yeah, surfers, all you know about is perfect tubes,

nose rides, 360s, and hairball peaks.

- Huh, well, what about screaming close outs

and free fall face drops.

- [Chuck And Bob] Or radical cutbacks off the-

- Why don't you guys go throttle yourselves?

- [Bob] Let's go make some money, Chuck.

- Hey, I'm hip.

Belmont is open.

- [Bob] Lay your bets, right here.

Johnny Big Head's frog races, right here.

Fastest I got, $10.

(students chatter)

(starting gun bangs)

(people cheering) (light music)

(students chattering)

- Put the money on the table. - $7.

- Hey!

- You gotta bet.

(Becker growls)

(students gasp and chatter)

- [Students] Hey, Daddy O.

- What's going on over there, Beaker?

- Sleeping, sir.

- [Daddy O] Horse time!

- [Student] Ew, he's drinking acid.

- Put down that beaker, Becker!

- Put down that Becker, Beaker.

(Becker groans)

- Break out the Rolaids.

Bow bow!

- You two guys come with me.

We got a date at the city morgue.

- [Chuck] Hey, hold on,

we've already made plans for tonight.

- Cut out the smoking, Beaker.

You know that's against school regulations.

- Yes, sir, and that goes for the rest of you.

Chapter 11, always have two pairs of shoes.

Read about it, we'll have a test on it in the morning.

(smoke hisses)

- This won't be easy, but you boys

know all the surfers in the area,

and I need identification.

(Bob sneezes)

(Bob honks)

Will you cut that out?

Now there it is.

- What is it?

- Surfers, two, maybe three.

What's left of them.

- What happened?

- Well, we're not sure.

One thing's certain, it wasn't suicide.

- How do you know?

- There's no motive.

Besides, it's impossible to cut off

your own arms and legs and head.

- Haven't seen a mess like this

since the days of the early Cuisinarts.

- Well, they're not locals, that's for sure.

- How do you know?

- Well, see his knee?

- Knee. - It's got knots on it.

You only get knots on your knees from knee paddling.

No one's knee paddled around here for years.

- Hey, wait a minute, man, that's not his knee.

- Knee. - That's his nose.

- Nose. - No way, dude.

This is his nose. - Nose.

- This is his knee. - Knee.

- Well, I think you're both wrong.

I think this is his nose. - Nose.

- And this is his knee. - Knee.

- And what you're pointing to

is his tongue. - Tongue.

- Ah, that's his nose. - Nose.

- It's sunburned.

Whoever heard of a sunburned tongue?

- Tongue. - This is his knee.

- Knee.

- [Chuck, Bob, And Chief] Right.

- Right.

(Daddy O moans)

3 No matter what the menu

♪ Buzzz makes every meal complete

♪ We guarantee that it can wash down anything you eat

♪ 'Cause Buzzz is the cola that we drink

& We must have it

♪ Come and get it

♪ When your world IS spinning fast

♪ We want Buzzz, give us Buzzz

I When you need something to stop it fast

♪ Give us Buzzz cola

♪ When you need a party drink

♪ Give us Buzzz, only Buzzz

♪ Give your friends what they deserve

- [Moms] Have you seen the boys?

- [Dads] Shh!

- [Moms] Don't shush me.

I'm worried.

- [Dads] About our stupid, useless kid?

Look at this mess if you want something to worry about.

- [Moms] It's no wonder you're worried about the business.

This crap you call cola wouldn't pass for fertilizer.

Who ever heard of bottling soda in an oil refinery anyway?

- [Dads] For your information, some kids

in this town love Buzzz, and if you'd shut up

long enough for me to finish these books,

I'll prove it to you.

- [Moms] You're gonna have to show me more than figures.

(cola buzzes)

- Just as thought, you'd be doing a lot better

if you'd stop using Menlo Schwartzer's secret recipe.

- Schwartzer happens to be a genius.

He's invented the most revolutionary soft drink since Aspen.

- A soft drink that unclogs drains

and can strip the paint off a battleship?

- That's revolutionary, all right.

- The big question is.

- How are you gonna get people to drink it?

- [Dads] You can't relate.

(lively surf music)

- [Lindy Sue] You gotta see it to believe it.

- [Bob] What, is he sick or something?

- [Cindy Lou] No, he's totally freaked.

- [Bob] Well, what can we do?

- [Cindy Lou] You're his friends, talk to him.

(pounding rock music)

- Must be what he ate in science class today.

- Yeah, the frogs must've kicked in.

- Act like it's no big deal.

- Talk to him.

(boys shout)

- [Bob] Hey, Jocko.

How you doing, man?

- What's happening?

- Pretty good, dude.

You look gnarly.

(pounding rock music)

We're gonna catch some dynamite surf movies

at the high school.

Wanna come? (groans)

(pounding rock music)

- I don't think he wants to come.

- Last night, he broke into the grocery store

and drank six gallons of antifreeze.

- Very weird.

- Really.

We haven't had a cold snap since January.

(pounding rock music)

(Jocko screams)

(wall thuds)

(Jocko growls)

- Whoa.

(chill surf music)

(students shouting)

- Thank you, it is really groovy to be here.

(students shout)

And I am extremely hip and stoked that y'all could come.

(students boo)

- [Student] Get bent!

- Ah, thank you.

Well, as you all know, tonight is the start of surf week,

and Friday is the big beach party,

and Saturday is the surf contest.

All right!

Far out!

Dodging lobster and steamed clams.

Moon doggie, yeah!

(students shout)

- How are we gonna surf if the beach is closed?

- Thank you.

Well, I'd like to start the movie now.

(students boo)

- What a jerk.

And he expects us to get all excited

abut some retarded beach party

with our parents and the police.

(lively surf music)

Whoa.

- Eat your hearts out, you suckers.

See, what'd I tell you?

Nobody's laughing now.

Nobody will ever laugh at me again.

- What a doll. - I'll say!

What's she doing with that creep?

- Ah, those guys are just jealous.

Little do they realize my true identity.

- [Student] Hey, Schwartzer, your fly's down!

(students laugh)

(lively surf music)

- I have to warn you- - What?

- I have to warn you guys.

- Hey, sit down! - All right, all right.

- I have to warn you about- - What?

- [Student] Sit down!

- [Student] Shit!

- I have to warn you about the contest.

- What? - What?

- Nothing, I'm sorry, I dropped my compact.

(lively surf music)

- [Student] Hey, fix the film!

(reel screeches)

- [Student] Beaker, I want my money back.

Come on, dudes!

- What a bummer, let's go.

(students chatter)

- Oh, Bunny, I've never been so humiliated in all my life!

- Oh yeah?

What about the time Daddy O displayed

the booger collection in your pencil case at the pep rally?

Listen, don't waste your time feeling sorry for those slobs.

They don't deserve it.

Just be thankful you have a real friend like me.

- Friend, you're not my friend.

All you think about is your rotten revenge.

- How can you say such a thing?

Didn't I take you out to this beautiful place?

And look at all this wonderful food.

Just dig in and enjoy it.

It's not every girl that gets this kind of treatment.

Hey, you want some wine?

Oh, garcon, garcon!

(bottle shatters)

Good year.

♪ She blinded me with science

♪ And failed me in geometry

(men chatter)

- [Chuck] Boy, things are sure getting weird around here.

- No kidding, punks and creeps.

You'd think these guys would be mature enough

to take surfing seriously.

- It's just not like the good old days.

Remember those?

- No crowding, no punks fighting the waves.

Ah, it was heaven.

- [Chuck] I'm hungry.

- [Bob] We just ate.

(chainsaw buzzes)

(window shatters)

(chainsaw buzzes)

- [Big Head's Mother] Which car are you taking, Johnny?

- [Big Head] The convertible.

- What convertible?

♪ Round, round, get around, I get around

♪ Yeah, get around, round, round, I get around

♪ I get around, get around, round, round

♪ I get around, from town to town

♪ Get around, round, round, I get around

- Would you come down here a minute, Michelangelo?

I'll handle this.

Now then, what makes you think

your beans are more important than our cola?

- I didn't say they were more important.

I said that's important the beans get there

while they're still warm.

Your cola can sit around and wait a little while.

- That means there's warm cola at the beach.

Whoever heard of warm cola at the beach, O'Finley?

Can you o'relate?

- It's terrible.

- It doesn't matter with Buzz.

- What do you mean by that, sweetheart?

- Figure it out, and don't call me sweetheart, bitch.

- Oh, now that's some nice way to talk in front of the kids.

- Screw the kids.

- You people are so full of shit, your eyes are brown.

- Screw you, too. - Oh!

- Listen to Mr. O'Mouth here.

What, were you raised by a pair of brown socks?

They're our kids over here.

- He said screw me! - Would you wait a minute?

Listen, we can settle this,

we can settle this all at the beach, okay?

But the beans go first.

- Oh! - Right here with your beans,

O'Finley, right here, okay? - Have you ever heard

of a bean warmer? (horn honks)

(lively surf music)

♪ We always take my car "cause it's never been beat

♪ And we've never missed yet with the girls we meet

The beans are warm!

♪ None of the guys go steady 'cause it wouldn't be right

♪ To leave their best girl home on a Saturday night

♪ I get around, get around, round, round, I get around

♪ From town 10 town

♪ Get around, round, round, I get around

♪ I'm a real cool head

♪ Get around, round, round, I get around

♪ I'm making real good bread

♪ Get around, round, round, I get around

♪ I get around, round

♪ Round, round, get around, I get around

♪ Yeah, get around, round, round, I get around

♪ Get around, round, round

- So who's the chef?

- I am, and that's Chief to you.

Now get your hands out of there.

Conduct yourself properly.

Excuse me, Miss, mind if I ask you a question?

- Sure. - Any SpaghettiOs in there?

- No.

- That's too bad.

I love SpaghettiOs.

(glass shatters)

- Asshole! - Knock it off!

- Asshole! - Cut it out!

- Asshole!

(people shout)

(glass shatters)

- Be cool.

(Beaker groans)

- Beaker, Beaker, get back here!

You know that water's off limits!

(Beaker sighs)

- This is your cola, huh?

(cola booms)

- Your beans?

- My shoes.

Now what's going on here?

- Ah, yes, Officer.

This asshole won't let us put our cola

on his precious picnic table.

All he cares about are beans!

- [Cola Dad] That's right.

- It's because these guys are trying

to charge the kids a dollar deposit.

It doesn't matter anyway 'cause nobody

is gonna drink this crap.

- Well, let me tell you something.

I've seen your creepy looking kid

putting it away pretty darn good, pal.

Can you relate?

- He ain't creepy!

- All right, knock it off!

Act like adults.

- [Kids] They are.

- Kids, if I need any shit out of you,

I'll squeeze your heads.

Now, a dollar a bottle does sound a little steep.

- We use organic glass.

- No preservatives.

- [Cola Dads] And that shit costs, can you relate?

- Hold it, hold it, boys.

This party is for high school students only!

- Jocko, Jocko, my sweet son.

Mr. Daddy O, do you not recognize your own students perhaps?

Jocko, we've been so worried about you, Dad and I.

Jocko, your room's still ready.

The bunk beds (speaker fades out).

- Man, this is gonna be one weird fucking party.

(lively surf music)

♪ Yeah, I was walking down the street

♪ When I heard this mod style beat

♪ I had to shuffle my feet

♪ And I escaped from the streets

♪ Get to the dancing beat

♪ Get up out your seats

♪ Don't need no technique

♪ Get up, get up

♪ Pick up the beat

♪ Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up

♪ Get up to the dance beat

♪ It's a roots style beat

♪ And the zombie streets

♪ Get up, dance

♪ To the dance beat

♪ You'll be sweating in the heat

♪ To the mod style beat

(lively surf music)

- Where's Big Head?

Hey, Bob.

♪ Listen to the beat

2 Pick it up

- [Party-Goer] Hey, something happened over here.

(people chatter) (fly buzzes)

- [Woman] Oh, gross!

- [Bob] Whoa.

- Bow bow.

- [Man] Look at Big Head.

- [Woman] God!

(people gasp)

- [Sandwich-Eater] Ooh, yeah, yeah.

(fly buzzes)

- [Man] Oh, that's gross.

- Yeah, Johnny Big Head, buddy.

- Those kids are in for some kind

of serious stomach trouble.

- Yeah, well, who cares what they eat,

as long as they wash it down with plenty of Buzzz.

Can you (speaker interrupted by a fart).

(people groan)

(fly buzzes)

- Yeah!

(people gasp)

- [Man] How can they eat that shit over there?

- [Man] I don't know.

- Crazy kids. (chuckles)

- Disgusting, disgusting.

(Jocko belches)

- No way, dude.

Cool!

(crowbar rings)

(gulls cry)

(gull farts)

(people retch)

(Beaker retches)

(fly buzzes)

- Oh, I don't think I've ever been so proud.

These are my boys, all right.

(people groan)

- Oh no.

Come on, Big Head, this one's for the money.

- [Man] You got it.

- Do it! - Do it, Big Head!

- No, no, no, no, ah! - Do it!

- Come on! - Come on!

- [Bob] Don't think, just drink.

(Big Head farts)

- [Party-Goer] You can do it!

- [Party-Goer] Give me a bite of that.

(people chatter)

(Jocko laughs)

- Beautiful, beautiful, I love it.

Go get 'em, fellas.

Okay, take the scope down, Elroy.

This one we don't wanna miss.

Weird beach party.

I'll give 'em weird.

They don't know what weird is til they meet me.

(lively surf music)

- You gave it all you have, dude.

They just asked the impossible.

- Gee, thanks.

- [Chuck] No!

(glass shatters)

(nerd groans)

(lively rock music)

- Can that kid dance!

- This guy's got more moves than a sharecropper.

(lively rock music)

- Dizzier than a part in a whirlwind, can you relate?

(lively rock music) (nerd growls)

- Get down.

(gun bangs) (woman screams)

Get up.

- Hold it.

Nobody move!

(nerd groans)

I said freeze!

That's better.

You kids are gonna have to control yourself.

This isn't study hall, you know.

Ow!

(man growls)

(people scream)

- Hey, I think we oughta stop them.

- Are you crazy, man?

They'll pummel us.

(lively rock music)

- Come with me.

(car thuds)

- Hey what are they doing to our car?

Come on, the punks are coming!

(lively rock music)

(Sparkle screams)

(tires squeal)

(girls shout)

(lively rock music)

- [Menlo] Oh, shit.

- There's a stop sign.

Sparkle, okay.

What now?

- Maybe we oughta call the police.

- Wrong. - What a mess.

Is he dead?

- [Bob] Dead, man, this dude is worse than dead.

He's been canceled.

- Hang on, I've got an idea.

(tires squeal)

- [Beaker] Hey, kids.

- [Sparkle] Oh, Mr. Beaker, we need your help.

- [Chuck] Ooh, this guy's heavy.

- No, no, bring him over here.

Say, your friend looks pretty drunk.

- No, he's dead. - Dead!

Great!

Well, come on, put him down.

(Beaker chuckles)

- This is quite a setup you've got here.

- Thanks.

I picked most of them up on the highway.

Cute little fella.

Say, isn't this one of these punk surfers from the party?

- Punk surfers, these guys aren't even human.

- What are you gonna do with that?

- Well, if what you're saying is true,

then maybe we should find out what makes these things tick.

Stand back. (Sparkle screams)

Maybe you're right.

(saw buzzes)

(body squishes) (punk groans)

I thought you said he was dead.

- Maybe he was sleeping.

- Not anymore.

(saw buzzes) (body squishes)

(ribs tear) (Chuck groans)

(Sparkle whimpers)

- [Bob] Whoa.

(Sparkle whimpers)

- [Beaker] Chuck, can you hold that?

- Oh, man. - Do it.

- There.

Forceps.

Al right.

(body squishes)

Oh, Jesus. - What's that?

- Looks like a carburetor.

- Two or four barrel?

- [Bob] What difference does it make?

They already lunched our car.

- I've never seen anything like this.

♪. Hoffa.

- It's ragged.

- Orca.

- Whoa. - Unbelievable.

- [Beaker] It's a Dick Dale album.

It was inside him.

- [Bob] I don't believe this.

(Beaker grunts)

- Hello, Mr. Beaker.

Look at that.

Mammal and a mammal.

That's the evolution of life right there, boys.

- [Chuck] That's disgusting.

- So what is he? - Don't know.

Anatomically, he seems as human as you and me.

His physiology seems to be seriously altered.

No human I know could eat like that and still surf.

None.

I'm sorry, boy.

Chuck, you close him up.

(swirling music)

(Bob snoring)

The only thing we really have to go on

is they seem to love this soda.

- Maybe that's what's doing it to them.

- Yeah, I was kinda curious about that myself,

so I analyzed it.

It seems to be mostly untreated petroleum waste,

except for one chemical even I can't figure out.

There's nothing in this that even resembles soda.

- Well, maybe that's it.

- I don't know!

It might Kill you, but turn you into one of those things?

(punk growls)

Oh, this is my Frankie Avalon table, too.

- I can't believe you haven't figured it out by now.

I'm running out, we're running out of time.

Look at this stuff.

- Oh, my bird.

- It's getting under the table.

- You'll drown my rat.

- [Sparkle] It's grease, doesn't that ring a bell?

- Wait a minute, I bet that's why Jocko

and the others have been drinking motor oil.

Once they get a taste for this stuff,

they can't get enough. - Hold.

Why would your dads be turning perfectly normal surfers

into an army of gas-guzzling junkies.

- Money. - Money.

- Yeah.

(swirling music)

Chuck, Bob, Bob, Chuck, I've got it.

Look at this.

- What is it?

- I don't know, but I think this

has something to do with what's happening out there.

- [Chuck] It smells like tar.

- [Chuck And Bob] This must be the formula to Buzzz Cola!

- Terrific!

Now all we have to do is find out

who this Menlo Schwartzer character is

and force him to reverse the process.

- Schwartzer? - Mm hmm.

- Isn't that that guy you showed up

with at the theater the other night?

- Menlo Schwartzer was a genius, a brilliant chemist.

Talk about having it all.

He was short, ugly, near-sighted, and carried a slide rule.

Then, one day, a group of surfers

played a cruel practical joke on him.

They put some chemicals into his soda at lunch.

I don't know what it was, but it changed him.

Ever since then, the only thing

he's thought about is revenge.

I oughta know.

I was his girlfriend.

- That's impossible.

The only girl Schwartzer ever hung around with

was Florinda Budnik, the nerdiest girl in the school.

- [Chuck, Bob, And Beaker] Florinda Budnik!

(dramatic music)

- That's the way I looked until Bunny,

I mean Menlo, discovered a way to make me beautiful,

and that's the way I'll look again

unless he gives me my treatments.

That's why I had to help him,

and why I've been so afraid to tell you the truth.

- It's too late to worry about that now.

You boys have gotta get out there

and win that surf contest while we figure out

a way to stop Schwartzer.

♪ Here I come in my '57

& She's a real low rider

♪ Paid perfection with a custom engine

♪ Painted black with flames

♪ Ain't nobody gonna call that hot rod tame

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ooh, ooh

- I'm sorry, but you people aren't understanding anything.

We are in the middle of a crisis.

We gotta keep the beaches closed

until we figure out what, you know,

what's behind all this.

- Absolutely.

You were brilliant, darling, brilliant.

- Look, O'Finley, we know you're upset.

I mean, I would be, too, if my kids

were running around town eating garbage

and sucking on dead fish.

- But that's no reason to close the beach

and lose our businesses, can you relate?

- What about my poor Big Head?

- Put a bag on it.

- Put two bags on it.

- That's funny, that's funny.

- Point of order, we must have order.

In the meantime, I recommend we all settle down

and have another drink.

- Two Bud beers here, please. - Two.

Let's go. - Hold it!

Hold it.

May I say something? - No.

- As you all know, I teach science at the local high school.

- Yes, he does.

- Big deal!

- Take a hike!

- Thank you.

Last night, a few of my students, my kids,

your kids, our kids, came to me

with a pretty far out story,

so I did some scientific tests

and what they claim may very well be true.

This cola may be causing very serious physiological damage.

- Like what?

- I didn't wanna say it, Bob's Dad,

but this cola may be turning your kids into zombies.

- Oh, honey.

- What a dork.

(Menlo chatters)

- Hold it, hold on.

Now, we've heard about this ridiculous theory of yours,

Beaker, and I just want you to know

we think you're full of shit.

- Don't!

This is cola.

- He's bright, very bright.

- What do you expect, motor oil?

- Yes. - Yes.

(people laugh)

- I think we can all see why our esteemed Mr. Beaker

has settled on teaching high school science

as a career instead of having a respectable job

like the rest of us.

Come on, Beaker, turn on the porch light, pal.

Buzzz Cola isn't hurting anybody.

I mean, sure, it's not that healthy,

but, I mean, Christ, neither is any

of the crappy cola they're putting on the shelves, you know?

- He's right, if you're worried about your kids,

lock 'em up, beat them, do anything you damn well please,

but, for Christ's sake, don't stop innocent kids

from drinking cola and surfing.

It's the American way! - Absolutely.

- Surfing's built this town.

It's damn near built this country.

- Beautiful, man, just beautiful.

- This is soda.

- It's good.

- It's all settled, the contest is on.

- The contest is on!

(Dads shout)

- [Poorman] Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to City Beach on a beautiful, beautiful day.

The site of the first ever Buzzz Invitational Surf Contest.

I'm the Poorman, your announcer here, beach side.

You'll notice the swell on the beach

is absolutely incredible.

I would say it's about 37, 23, 36.

As far as the waves in the ocean,

it is two to four feet with good shape today.

- It's in the bag.

- Satin sheets.

Monogrammed ties.

Two ounces of the best damn Peruvian flake money can buy.

- [Bob] Excuse me, Pop.

- [Poorman] Chuck and Bob have arrived,

the two local favorites.

- Hey, hey! - Hey!

(gun bangs)

- [Poorman] And the contest is underway!

- But aren't those your boys?

- Yeah, sure, but-

- They just ate, sure, that's it.

Too soon for them to go in the water.

(lively surf music)

- [Poorman] And here they are, ladies and gentlemen,

heat number one is out in the water.

And there they are, Chuck and Bob

both up on the first wave.

And here's a back slide take off and a turn around.

Excellent maneuver.

As always, the Buzzz Cola Invitational

is the epitome of fair play.

♪ I'm moving up

♪ I need it good

I I need something I can taste

♪ And a vacation from the human race

Okay, we have three people up on one wave.

Let's give a round of applause.

♪ If I don't have it

♪ I get mad

♪ And when I'm mad I do such terrible things

♪ I get pretty crazy and I make girls scream

Got a complex maneuver here,

pulled off by one of the punkers.

He's gonna get a massive number of points.

♪ Hold me back

♪ I feel another attack

♪ I can get violent any time

♪ Hold me back

♪ Won't you hold me

- [Beaker] Do you know where you're going?

- [Sparkle] Sure, sure, trust me.

I come here all the time.

- Wow, he's weird.

- Yeah.

You can't stay here. - No.

- I'll have to deal with him.

(tense music)

- What's that? (alarm rings)

- Punks!

They're coming this way.

- Help!

- Bow bow!

- Oh, shit!

(door clangs)

- [Menlo] Put that away!

- Let's get outta here!

(alarm wails)

(Sparkle whimpers)

(alarm wails)

Mr. Menlo Schwartzer,

so you're the mad genius behind all this.

- Given all the evidence, I think even an eggplant

could've figured that out, but I gotta give you credit.

You were the first one to find me.

Take him away, we'll save him for later.

Save it, sweetie, there's lots more to come.

(lively surf music)

- [Poorman] This is the final, ladies and gentlemen.

That's right, the final round,

and, of course, the local boys are in it.

They're coming out strong, but the punkers have amassed

a tremendous number of points,

and only a strong showing here in the final

by the local boys will get them the victory.

As you can see, they're shredding it up

with an off the lip maneuver.

- I'm gonna beat that kid like I don't know him.

♪ I'm moving up

♪ I need it good

I I need something I can taste

♪ And a vacation from the human race

I I need money

♪ I need it bad

- [Poorman] The local boys are ripping it,

and they're coming on strong, but can they

catch the punkers before the end of the event?

♪ I get real crazy and I make girls scream

♪ So hold me back

♪ Oh, won't you hold me back

(lively surf music)

- We're fucked, can you relate?

(horn honks)

- [Poorman] And the horn has sounded.

This is the last wave, cutting left

and cutting back right.

We'll see if he can do it.

(lively surf music)

Okay, back to the right,

and now it looks like he's shaping up

for a radical off the lip maneuver.

Can he keep his balance?

If he does, he'll probably get the victory

for the local boys.

He does, he keeps his balance!

Chuck and Bob have won!

The local boys are champions!

(spectators clapping) (spectators cheering)

- Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Now, everybody witness, this is important.

- There's a geek out there under those waves,

and he's trying to fully control the coast.

- Yeah, and he's doing it with the help

of two bogus businessmen, our fathers.

- [Poorman] Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it has been a great day here at the Buzzz Invitational.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, what's happening,

what's happening here?

Ah, it must be another publicity stunt

brought to you by Buzzz Cola.

That's right, the soda of the '80s.

And, as you can see, we're having some fun on the beach.

Hey, fellas, come on up here and let me join in on the fun.

Fellas, fellas, no! (screams)

(people shouting)

(waves crashing)

(machinery whirs)

(water gurgles)

- Anybody care for a soda pop?

- What the hell's going on here, Schwartzer?

Have you lost all your marbles?

- No, but you're about to lose yours,

and that's just for starters, bubbies.

You knuckleheads are about to get the royal treatment.

- You'll never get away with it, you schmo-head!

- [Menlo] Give it to 'em, guys.

Give 'em the works.

- No!

(Dads growl)

- That should about do it.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I submit for your approval.

No, no, I'm not going to tell you.

It'll spoil the surprise.

Hey, clamp 'em in, fellas.

Put 'em in here, get 'em good, yeah, yeah.

- Bunny, that's enough.

- Enough, why, I just started.

- Please, stop, before it's too late.

- Too late, that's rich, it's already too late.

- What time is it?

- Oh, it's about a quarter, never mind that.

See what I told you?

There's no hope for these slobs.

- Please, Bunny, for me.

I'll come back to you, I'll make you happy.

My treatments don't seem to wear off anymore.

- Bow bow.

- I'll give you children.

- No, it's too late for that.

That might've worked once, but not again.

I used to wanna be like the other kids, you know?

I wanted to be a surfer, I wanted to be hip

and bitchy and gnarly, but that's over now.

It all ended one miserable afternoon.

I was having an innocent soda, and they spiked it,

and you know with what?

(Sparkle gasps)

With a powerful reverse sex hormone.

You know what it's like to be the only guy

on the beach with tits?

It's miserable.

(Bob and Beaker laugh)

Yeah, go ahead, laugh it up, you guys, you're next.

(Big Head shouts)

Stop that right now.

He'll wreck my lab, go get him, fellas.

Go after him.

(Big Head shouts) (machinery whirs)

(machinery thuds)

Stop him, fellas!

(Menlo chatters)

(Poppy music) (people shout)

- Hold on, I think it's gonna blow.

(poppy music)

(refinery booms) (people scream)

(people groan)

♪ When I was a young boy

♪ I wanted to sail around the world

♪ That's the life for me

♪ Living on the sea

♪ Living as a sailor

♪ Waiting for the tides to go

♪ The last real pioneer

♪ But now there's no more tears

♪ I remember you running by

♪ On a raft in the sky

♪ I see flash, tempers flare

♪ Grab a hold if you dare

(soft poppy music) (waves crash)

(siren wails)

- I'll get even, let me go, copper.

Let me go, what's your badge number.

I got friends on the force, let me go!

(Menlo chattering)

- Oh, Bunny.

- [Menlo] Ah, let me go, you're all insane.

I'll get you, you haven't heard the last

of Menlo Schwartzer, I'll be back, I swear.

I'll be back. (speaker fades out)

- Those jerks with their crappy cola ideas.

- [Mom] Well, I'm sure they learned their lessons.

- We can only hope.

At least we've got our men back.

- You said it.

- [Bob] Wait a minute, our dads.

- Oh, I fully forgot.

They're still out there.

(machinery beeps)

- Oh, wow.

(machinery beeps)

Whoa.

(Daddy O wolf whistles)

- What's the matter?

- We're all right.

- Very radical.

- Really.

- [DJ] Your favorite radio station KDIL.

- [Dad] Ready?

- [Chuck And Bob] Sorry.

- [Dad] All right, here we go, all right.

Very good, very good.

- It's so wonderful to see you kids all back together again.

I love you, hon.

Honey.

(women laugh)

- I want a fresh fish sandwich, but not this fresh.

- And a little less mayonnaise (speaker muffled by food).

- You don't have to eat it, you know?

Besides, even Bess Myerson makes mistakes.

- Bunny, ow!

You promised to be sweet.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well, it won't be long now til the effects

of Buzzz Cola wear totally off

and everyone is just fab.

- Almost everyone.

- Yeah, I'm not so sure about

our two favorite bimbos over there.

- Hey, those our festive dads.

- Girls, say Buzzz.

(camera clicks)

Beautiful.

- [Dads] Can you relate?

- All right now, everyone. - Let's blow this pop stand.

- Repeat after me. - You know, I been thinking.

- [Dad] What now?

- [Dad] Buzzz Pancakes.

- [Dad] Ah, it'll never work.

- [Big Head] Bow bow!

- [Crowd] Bow bow!

- [Dad] What do you say we buy some cattle,

cut the legs off, and call it ground beef?

Taster's choice. - Uh huh.

- Hey, look at that. - Oh, boy, oh, boy!

- [Dad] There's a couple of guys there.

Wait a minute, those aren't guys,

those are Peterbilts with shorts.

Let's get the hell out of here!

- [Dad] I've got a run in my panty hose!

- [Dad] Fuck the run, let's just run!

Stay with me, stay with me!

Breathe.

I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

♪ Go to hell

♪ But Johnny didn't care

♪ He was an outlaw by the time that he was 10 years old

♪ He didn't wanna do what he was told

♪ Just a prankster

♪ A juvenile gangster

♪ His teachers didn't understand

♪ They kicked him out of school

I At a tender early age

♪ Just because he didn't wanna learn things

♪ Had other interests

♪ He liked to burn things

♪ The lady down the block, she had a radio

♪ That Johnny wanted oh so bad

♪ So he took it the first chance he had

♪ And then he shot her in the leg

♪ And this is what she said

♪ He's only a lad

♪ You really can't blame him

♪ He's only a lad

♪ Society made him

♪ He's only a lad

♪ Is he our responsibility

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Only a lad

♪ He really couldn't help it

♪ Only a lad

♪ He didn't wanna do it

♪ Only a lad

♪ He's underprivileged and abused

♪ Perhaps a little bit confused

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, oh, oh

♪ His parents gave up

♪ They couldn't influence his attitude

♪ Nobody could help

♪ The little man had no gratitude

3 And when he stole the car

♪ Nobody dreamed that he would try to take it so far

♪ He didn't mean to hit the poor man

♪ Who had to go and die

♪ It made the judge cry

♪ Only a lad

♪ He really couldn't help it

♪ Only a lad

♪ He didn't wanna do it

♪ Only a lad

♪ He's underprivileged and abused

♪ Perhaps a little bit confused

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ It's not his fault that he can't behave

♪ Society's made him go astray

♪ Perhaps if we're nice, he'll go away

♪ Perhaps he'll go away

♪ He'll go away

♪ Only a lad

♪ You really can't blame him

♪ Only a lad

♪ Society made him

♪ Only a lad

♪ Is he our responsibility

♪ Hey there, Johnny, you really don't fool me

♪ You get away with murder and you think it's funny

♪ You don't give a damn if you live or if you die

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

♪ Hey there, Johnny Boy, I hope you fry

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, oh

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, oh, oh