Original subtitles

Guys, listen to this.

Congressional candidate Christine Sullivan has accused incumbent Louise

of accepting illegal campaign contributions in the form of a free

Cahill retorted, I proudly wear the same face God gave me, while my perky

opponent moonlights as a test pilot for Maybelline.

Right up there with the Lincoln -Douglas debates.

Gee, I didn't know Lincoln had a facelift.

You know, Christine might make an interesting subject for my next

Women in Politics, The New Female Mud Wrestling.

That Louise Cahill calls me perky. One more time, I'm going to punch your

out. Yeah, chick fight.

It seems to me you're the one who attacked her first. Me? I never said

things. It was my press rep.

Look at the upside.

Two weeks ago, no one recognized your name.

Now, they all know you as a candidate who made mudslinging an art form.

Great, so my constituency is miserable lowlifes who thrive on cheap tawdry

scandal?

You can count on Dan's vote.

Hello, Christine.

Johnny, why did you allow them to release this trash about Cahill?

We lucked out. It was a slow news day. Look, we've got some issues to talk

about. Great. Let's start with daycare.

Yawn, yawn, snore, snore, Christine, no. I want to talk about meat and potato

issues, the ones that'll get you elected, like which married movie star

met for drinks the other night at the plaza?

The other night?

Well, 1955.

I don't believe this. Here's an ad for the new movie playing at the midnight

show at the Waverly Theater. It's called Canubial Fusion.

I see that.

Canoeville Fusion.

A frightening and exhilarating 90 -minute journey through a warped tunnel

love.

Somebody stole my movie!

I want to find out what this is all about.

This is amazing.

Seems like everybody I know is in the newspaper today.

Including Lizette.

Cutie pie courthouse stenographer Lizette Huckheiser.

enjoys the good weather by sunning herself on a Central Park rock.

She's single, guys.

I have a really good publicist.

$55 in time, sir.

And since we all know that beepers are not permitted in the courtroom, I must

assume that Mr. Fielding is performing a do -it -yourself EKG.

Or his lean cuisine is done.

Sorry, sir. Duty, um, beep.

Text surrogate's work is never done.

You know, Dan, this sex therapy thing is conflicting with your work here. Maybe

you should think about cutting back.

Never. I am bound by my honor, my contract, and by several of my clients.

Wherever there are lonely women in need of comfort, I'll be there.

Wherever there are repressed virgins in need of guidance, I'll be there.

Wherever there are frigid housewives,

With cold cash, I'll be there.

Wherever they're giving out penicillin shots, we'll be there.

You looked great up there, Christine. Just a little reminder, speak slowly and

keep... Keep my hair out of my face and never eat spinach before a photo op.

I'm tingling.

Hey, hey.

I spoke to the video lab who processed conubial fusion for me, and it seems

there's somebody who works there, liked what he saw, and he made a dupe.

And that dupe is me.

Mac, not only did you desecrate my wedding, but now strangers will be

my nuptials.

All right, let's carry on.

Miss Sullivan?

Mr. Fielding?

Mr. Fielding.

Perhaps the two of you can take some time out of your busy schedules to chat

with me for a while.

I'm sorry, Your Honor.

Polling business.

Sorry, sir. Me too.

Well, how about we try to get back to the business of the court?

Mack? Yes, sir. People v. Foster.

Assault and battery.

Mr. Prosecutor?

Yes, sir.

Apparently... Shortly, a fight broke out at a bar when this diminutive man asked

Lady Lurch over there to dance.

She turned him down. Her exact words were, when the pyramids go condo runt.

He felt compelled to defend his manhood, such as it is.

And so he referred to her as a redwood in pumps.

So she decked him.

I guess we could say she has a tall fuse and a short temper. Miss Sullivan?

Your Honor, my client has the right to dance with whoever she wants. Tall or

short, it's her choice.

She felt she was being verbally harassed, so she defended herself.

Right. Well, Miss Foster, next time, why don't you try the bunny hop instead of

the rabbit punch?

Case dismissed.

And that's the last dance, folks. I'm out of here.

Ooh, Christine, you dropped the ball on that one.

But you insulted a major constituency.

And that would be?

Short people.

We'd prefer that you refer to them as vertically challenged.

Christine, get with it. You're nowhere in this game unless you're politically

correct. There's vertically challenged, dietetically advantaged.

Me? I'm not bald. I'm scalp gifted.

Are we going to address something of substance in this campaign?

Right now.

Candidate Christine Sullivan has evidence that Louise Cahill

federal funds to pay for her annual vacation to Antarctica, where she

drinks heavily and clubs baby seal.

True? Of course not, but it made you think, didn't it? Which means Cahill

have to deny it, and the whole thing will set her campaign back a few days.

Johnny, it's not ethical.

Hey!

We're politicians.

We're slander gifted.

Cahill further stated that the breakup of Sullivan's marriage is indicative of

her inability to get along with people.

Johnny Dugan is such a pain in the butt.

Boy, you don't get along with anybody, do you?

Harry, I can't stand this mudslinging one more day.

I'm going to go down and have a little chat with Miss Cahill about the tone of

this campaign.

You mean you're going to confront her face to face lift?

Guess I better start out with an apology.

Wish me luck.

And that's it on the political front for now. Next up, the new movie, Canubial

Fusion.

That sleeper hit that'll leave you wanting more.

Yeah, like two hours of your life back.

No, I'm sorry, sweetie.

I'm afraid Nana's not going to be able to come to your birthday party.

Well, because she promised the voters she would do her job.

Well, when I get some time, we'll go to the zoo for your birthday. Just you and

me, okay?

That's my big guy.

I love you too, sweetie.

If you're here scrounging for more dirt, you've hit the jackpot.

He's a younger man, and we've been madly in love for five years.

I must confess I'm surprised to see that side of you. I confess that I'm

surprised to see your handler let you off the leash.

I don't have a handler.

Oh, a mind of her own.

How quickly we progress.

Well, the polls say that I'm progressing fast enough to give you a run for your

money. No doubt.

The public always loves it when the circus comes to town with its leggy

sideshow. Now, you see, that's exactly why I'm here. To put an end to these

personal attacks. My dear, these personal attacks are what allow you to

a run for my money.

Well, that's not how I want to win.

I do believe you've injected a note of sincerity into this campaign.

That's so terrible.

It'll give Johnny Dugan a coronary.

No, that's not possible. He doesn't have a heart.

You know Johnny Dugan?

Christine, who do you think managed my last ten campaigns?

He never told me that.

Well, of course he couldn't. Because then he'd have to explain why he dumped

when he decided I was over the hill.

Meaning that I'd become too independent.

You know, ventriloquists have no use for dummies that can talk for themselves.

Well, maybe you shouldn't be doing the talking if your idea of independence is

voting against daycare.

I didn't vote against daycare. I voted against that idiotic Harrison Cain bill.

What's the difference?

The macadamia rider.

The what?

If you had read the bill, you would see that they attached a rider.

that gave huge tax breaks to the macadamia nut growers, which meant a

millions in tax revenues, money we can use for daycare.

And besides, don't you realize how fattening macadamia nuts are?

Not as fattening as the big foot I have in my mouth.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

You know, you already care enough to put yourself through this silly process.

With a little seasoning and a few election drubbings like the one I'm

give you.

You'll be ready.

I'm not tossing in the towel just yet, you know.

I didn't for a moment think you would.

I'm going to give you the fight of your life, young lady.

But you're up to it.

Thanks.

I just hope you're right.

Oh, and Christine, thanks for the compliment.

Compliment?

Accusing me of having a face left.

Oh, that's the nicest thing anyone said about this tired old mug in the air.

Excuse me, Mr.

Fielding.

Sorry, I'm off duty.

So am I.

I've heard a lot about you from Lily down in accounting.

Lily? Of the long blonde hair, short black skirt, and vibrating big toe?

I taught her that.

Really?

You know, maybe we should have dinner. You know, if you could give me some

pointers on how to do that toe trick, I could consider the whole meal a tax

write -off.

And then?

And then I go home to sleep.

Oh, you didn't think that meant that you and me...

I'm sorry. Listen, I've turned pro. The meter's off and so am I.

I'm exhausted.

Well, I guess Lily was wrong.

I don't know why she calls you ever ready.

My God, I never thought it would come to this.

Do you realize that tonight in China there are men going to bed horny?

Christine, I just heard something on the radio you should know.

It's about Cahill. Whatever it is, I'm not interested.

I don't believe anything I hear in the media anymore.

I don't think they made this up.

Louise Cahill had a heart attack tonight.

She's dead.

I'd offer a penny for your thoughts, but I don't want to be accused of making an

illegal campaign contribution.

Okay, so I'm no Slappy White.

But I'm trying.

Sorry.

I guess I don't feel like smiling just yet.

Still thinking about Cahill?

Well, I had just seen her.

She was so alive.

So tough and strong.

Between you and me, I was thinking of voting for her myself.

That makes two of us.

You were going to vote for her? Roz, you're my best friend.

Yeah, and if the election was for the officer's best friend, I'd have voted

you.

Well, thanks for the ego boost.

Face it, Christine.

Louise was the better candidate.

You're right.

I had no business challenging her.

But Louise is gone.

Now I think you're the best choice.

You're smart. You're willing to work hard.

I've watched you in the courtroom for years, dealing with real people and real

problems.

Stay in the race, Christine.

I need you to get elected.

So you can ban Mac's movie.

Higher. No, less biting.

Dan,

wake up.

Oh, what a nightmare.

Doesn't sound like a nightmare.

That's because you haven't spent the last two weeks satisfying lustful women

full time.

Well, not full time.

Dan, you know, complaining about sex doesn't sound like you.

I know, Harry, but even I can't rise to the occasion at the whim of every Tammy,

Diane, and Harriet.

I know what you mean.

No, you don't. You're right. I have no idea.

I just finished my nap. I'm so tired.

Dan, you're exhausted all the time. Maybe you should just give this thing

Harry, are you crazy?

I finally found my true calling, sleeping with the sick for fun and

But it's not making you happy. I know, I know.

I'm just so tired I could sleep for a week.

Oh.

Oh, no, it's the woman with the feather fetish again.

She's gonna want me to wear that chicken suit.

So what are you gonna do?

I'm going to tell her the truth.

That it's fallen and it can't get up.

What's next, man?

Yes, sir. People versus Stratton, Roberts, Gaben, Vargas, and Ream.

Disturbing the peace.

Have we just entered the twilight zone?

Or are these people...

Us. Or maybe we're them.

Can you explain this, Mr. Prosecutor? So for reasons that utterly escape me,

these societal mutants were part of the audience at a midnight showing of the

movie Canubial Fusion.

Really? Yes.

They were arrested when they climbed up on the stage and began to lip -sync to

the film.

would they want to do that?

Your Honor, as yucky as it may be, the film has achieved kind of a cult status.

Members of the audience dress up as various characters

and reenact the events in front of the screen.

These people are sick.

Wow, you... You even got Roz's voice down.

I am Roz, you nit.

You captured her essence, too.

You know, I think I'm beginning to understand that.

It's a cult classic.

I better start thinking sequel.

You better start thinking lawsuit.

You better start thinking lawsuit.

You do that again and you'll see my impersonation of Sugar Ray.

Your Honor, as weird as it may be, dressing up like a... movie character is

against the law.

Well, while I find it difficult to believe that Mac's film could inspire

to go to such lengths...

Disturbing a public showing of a film is, in fact, against the law. So what do

you say we call this one?

Fifty -five dollars in time, sir.

Now cut that out.

Hey, wait a minute. Wait, wait. Whoa.

You, uh, you guys really like my movie?

Your movie? Yeah.

You mean your Mack Robinson?

In the flesh.

Oh, pardon me.

But I teach a contemporary cinema class at NYU.

Might you conceivably come down and host the screening of Canubial Fusion?

Oh, sure.

Call me with the day and time.

Okie dokie.

Uh, no.

That's okie.

What movie were you watching?

Oh, Mr.

Fielding, just the next...

I needed to see.

This is for you.

Not another assignment.

That's your severance pay.

You're fired.

Excuse me?

You know, I'll admit, at first my clients thought you did a bang -up job,

recently that bang has petered out.

It's not my fault. You've spread me too thin.

Mr. Fielding, it's more than just performance. It's your attitude lately.

Or did you really think it was therapeutic to say, hey, babe, let's

and drill for oil?

Backbreaking schedule.

When you turned a gourmet chef into a short order cook.

About a few minutes, I hear.

That only happened once.

You tried doing it with her mother in the room.

Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, Mr. Fielding.

Consider your contract null and void.

Yes.

I am a free agent again.

Hi, Dan.

Hi.

Did you hear the good news? My private part. We're back in private practice.

Step into my office.

Rev up that big toe.

Will it be?

Do I join you, or am I still exiled to video purgatory?

Pull up a seat, man.

Thanks.

You know, when you think about it, this whole hubbub over Canubial Fusion is

just a fad.

In a few days, we'll all be back being anonymous nobodies.

When they open up the Canubial Fusion theme park, we'll never have to break

character.

Christine, I've got to talk to you. Ah, I've got to talk to you, too. I want you

to release the statement on Louise Cahill's death.

And I want you to schedule a press conference for tonight. I'm going to

apologize for all the slanderous things I said about her and promise to pick up

where she left off.

No can do.

I've joined up with another campaign.

You mean you're quitting on me?

That's politics. See, when Cahill was in the race, you were the perfect foil.

But now our polls indicate that a young male would be the perfect candidate. To

be precise, we're looking for a 23 -year -old Harvard MBA who rollerblades to

work and listens to Garrison Keillor.

Fine. Fine. You go on. You create your super candidate.

And you know something, Johnny? I'll still beat him. Because while you're

spending your time reading polls and inventing mud to sling, I'll be out

to people. And believe me, the people...

would choose a caring, real, breathing person over a computer composite any

Yes!

That's the ball I go by.

Boy, nothing interesting ever happens around here.

Hey, Bull, pass the salt.