Original subtitles

Excuse me, Christine. Would you call this perfume floral or ambrosia?

Oh, I'd say it's more of musk with a hint of baloney.

I spilled my sample case on the floor and my nose is odor blind.

Sample case?

Uh -huh. I'm an in -home marketing rep for Cantel Cosmetics.

So swell you can't tell you have them on.

Their slogan was, why smell like hell when you can smell like cantal?

Make room, make room. Come on, creative juices are flowing.

Yeah, well, just please don't get any on me.

Oh, you're really getting into redecorating your chambers.

With a vengeance.

What's the city giving you for a budget?

Three big ones.

Oh, it could be tight.

I don't know, I think you could pull it off for $3 ,000.

No, $300.

$300?

What could you possibly do for $300?

Well, you could buy some matches and torch it for the insurance money.

Take a five -minute recess.

There you go, girls. Your invitation to the can't -tell party I'm hosting this

Saturday.

Sorry, my urban backpacking group is hosting a tri -state jamboree in the

Holland Tunnel.

Oh, darn.

How about you, Christine?

I can't. We're cramming for little Charlie's preschool entrance

He's having a little trouble in philosophy.

Pluto's Republic.

Oh, fool.

a sample of Cantel's new tear -proof mascara.

It was tested on a double feature of The Way We Were and Bambi, the final

chapter.

So, Dan, for the reupholstering of the sofa, which do you think?

Gee, I don't know, Harry. You know, my needs are different than yours. I need

something that's stain -resistant, doesn't distress under friction,

And is impervious to spur holes.

You know, Harry, I'd be happy to give you some ideas.

I know women have a way with these things.

The bossy way.

Marlene's been decorating our new home, and I don't get to stay on anything.

Yeah, once Wanda moved in, she made me take down the moose antlers in my

kitchen.

Now I have no place to hang my stock.

It will be a showcase of Harry Stone's taste and style.

Call the next case, Matt. Yes, sir. People versus Kenan.

Chief, I'm sorry to disturb you, sir, but you're going to have to call a

until I get this plumbing leak upstairs under control.

It could seep right through the ceiling.

Where's it coming from?

Judge Metcalf's chambers. He's right in the middle of a remodel.

What's he got, a refrigerator?

Yeah, but that's not the culprit.

It's either his new wet bar or his private bathroom.

He put in a wet bar and a private bathroom?

Hey, Judge Metcalf knows how to stretch a buck.

Enough of that. Matt, call it now.

Yes, sir. People versus melt, sir.

That's a recess!

Gee, I sure hope it's not his bathroom.

you were slobbering on? Oh, yes.

Remarkable girl.

Spontaneous and talented and able to leap tall bedposts in a single bound.

So what's with the blueprint?

This is a floor plan of the entire courthouse. You see, for the past nine

Faye and I have been systematically doing the nasty in every room and

It's nice to have gold in the workplace.

indicate we've scored.

Look, sir, your office has been circled five times.

Maybe my redecorating should include deadbolts.

Don't waste your time, Harry.

We have new ground to desecrate.

Well, that's the courtroom.

Oh, I get it. With the plumbing problem upstairs, you're counting on the place

being empty for a night.

You've played this game before.

Arnie located that leak, and boy, was it a doozy.

Oh, yeah, and the building super is going to close the courtroom and cancel

sessions for tonight and tomorrow.

Bingo!

Let the games begin.

So, Art, where's the water coming from?

It turns out the jacuzzi jets on Judge Metcalf's Roman tub were backing up.

Roman tub?

No big deal, Your Honor. It only seats four.

Good thing to have a night to work on my office.

I'm going to go down the stairs and see if I can find love seats that match my

tie.

There he goes, the inferior decorator.

This is perfect.

Now we can have the cantile party tomorrow night and you all can come.

Oh, I don't think so, Lisette.

We're running a special on our secret weapon, the fountain of youth, Burma

And you know how young the Burmese look.

Count me in.

Well, you might as well invite Kwan Lee.

I still have a paycheck she hasn't spent yet.

How about you, Roz? A woman can never have too many beauty -enhancing

A motto I know I live by.

But I'm sorry, Lizette. I'm staying home for a change.

Curling up in a blanket, enjoying the moonlight, and testing my infrared field

glasses.

a part of the Cantel experience.

All right.

But nobody talks about work or you'll be using those cosmetics to make you look

natural for your next of kin.

Roz, this place is incredible.

Did you do it yourself?

Yep. I consider it the perfect marriage of 90s neoclassicism and 50s kitsch.

I'm impressed.

What were you expecting?

Rifle racks and an army cop?

Well, yeah.

Christine, that's the work, Roz. At home, I have a softer side.

Hey, you don't want to pull a pin on that.

Venison pate with dill. Oh.

Mmm. This is good.

Thanks. I grew the herbs and bagged the buck myself.

Okay, everyone, I'm ready to start the demonstration.

Please sit down.

Welcome to the wonderful world of Cantel Cosmetics.

This is exciting.

You don't get out much, do you?

We at Cantel sincerely hope to become an important part of your daily beauty

routine. If you want an order form, I would be pleased to provide you with

Are you this efficient with all your demonstrations?

I guess so. I'm still trying to find my own sales style.

I think it's subliminal.

You know, I really hate to go home this early.

I don't get very many nights out with the girls.

Yeah, I've got a babysitter I hate to waste.

Well, nobody leaves until my individual briefs are out of the oven.

Well, okay.

How about some girl talk?

Rod,

have I told you how much I love this place?

Yep.

Did you know that Mac and Bull are helping Harry decorate his office

I knew he couldn't do it alone. I wonder if they're talking about us.

Oh, don't worry. Whenever Mac talks about the office, he always has nice

to say about everyone.

You know, Lisette, Mac says you do the work of five stenographers.

Hold it.

I knew this was going to happen.

We're all sitting here jawboning about work.

We all have full lives outside the courthouse.

Can't we find something else to do?

I know. How about charades?

I'd rather play Russian roulette.

Diamond. Arrowheads and clovers?

Not arrowheads and clovers. Spades and clubs.

Okay, here's a list that'll help you remember the order of winning hands.

One pair being the lowest and royal flush at the top.

Okay, got it.

Now, the house bank is this.

Blue chips are a nickel, red a dime, white a quarter.

What?

Will you cash -max the payroll check?

With two forms ID?

Let's start with something simple.

Five card draw.

What does that mean?

That means I deal you five cards. You can replace the ones you don't want with

new ones. Then we bet and play that hand. Okay?

Okay.

Shouldn't we be smoking cigars or something?

Yeah, and bragging about our latest physical conquest.

Do please, Roz.

My boyfriend Oscar and I, we played strip poker once.

And I won.

You mean you lost.

How many?

Two for me.

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Hint, hint.

Christine? Uh, two. No, three.

And I'll take two for myself.

Did everybody ante up?

Can't we ante down?

A dime is a little steep for me.

In or out?

Here, bloodsuckers.

I hope you enjoy taking the food out of my child's mouth.

That's right.

Oh, this is fun. Talking, playing cards, hanging out like best girlfriends.

Shut up and play.

I really don't like to lose.

Uh, Roz, I can't read your writing. I don't want to get this right. Does that

say royal flash or royal flush?

What, I won?

Sure looks that way. Oh, beginner's luck. Oh, I love this game.

I'm glad Cinderella's having a good time.

Your deal.

Seven cards stood. Two down.

so better to open feed the kitty or leave the city.

Gee, I guess I'm a quick learner.

Do you think we should do the trimming already quite?

I'll just cover everything in steep foam green. I don't care. Whatever you guys

think. Let's just get started, huh?

I took the liberty of doing a rendering of the finished office.

What's that?

A batting cage, sir.

Of course, in here, you can only bunt.

Bull, bull. I think we should stay away from traditional male influences and

lean toward postmodern asexual pieces.

I'll try not to take that personally.

What do you say we argue about the furniture later, huh? I mean, I've only

tonight, and I'd like to get a little paint on the wall. No, don't do it,

One color clash, and you'll regret it the rest of your life.

Mac, I've got a paintbrush, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Uh -oh.

We nailed that tan Cadillac.

Correction. Now it's a seafoam green Cadillac.

And it belongs to Judge Metcalf.

Oh, great.

They're going jacuzzi privileges.

A little bubbly to celebrate our courtroom conquest.

Jeez, doesn't anybody ever knock anymore?

Sam? Dan?

Mark? Dan?

Hey, Dan, I'm a lot more than just a maintenance man.

You're not kidding.

You courtroom coquette.

You have taken something sacred and tarnished it with your wanton ways.

The courtroom was our special mission, Faye. You were supposed to meet me here

in 15 minutes.

Well, I'll be down by then.

I've got a tent to cover and everything.

Is my face red or what?

Hey, you kids, you want the lights on or off?

Leave them the way you found them, buddy.

A boat.

Trip sixes and a pair of deuces. Read them and weep.

I can't believe she won again.

I guess I'm better at this than I thought.

Well, at least you're good at something.

You know, Max says you make the typing errors of five stenographers.

Lee, calm down.

You don't have to get mad at us every time you lose a hand.

Yeah, well, Max says you're mean and you're too, too loud.

Lee, don't be such a poor sport.

I'm down, too, you know.

Yeah, but if you lose as many cases as Max says you do, you must be used to it.

Five card draw, high -low split, one -eyed jacks are wild, hold an ace to

four, and yep.

Come on, you guys. You've got to give me a chance to win my money back.

You can't play if you can't pay.

I'll cover you.

Great.

Come on, babies.

Be good to Mama.

I quit.

Mac was right.

You're all a bunch of rags.

Lighten up, Conley. You're only out eight bucks.

Christina's out 217.

Enough chatter, Lisette. Let's just play.

Christine, be careful.

You already lost the money for the sitter. How are you going to get little

Charlie out of hock?

My luck's going to change. I can feel it.

It's probably Ross's crab cake backing up on you.

I'm going to back up on you if you don't shut up.

Yeah, Cornley, don't be such a sore loser.

Me? All that blonde hair dye has... Hold your brain.

You don't need help holding your cards.

Everybody get a grip.

Lisette.

I'll see ya.

Say the word with me.

Depends on the word.

What's going on? You've had incredible hands and won almost every pot.

I'm not cheating, I swear.

Lisette.

for counting cards.

But tonight, I didn't have to. These guys really stink.

Well, knock it off.

Roz, I'm holding four aces.

It's four aces or four friends.

You have to decide what's more important.

Come on, Azek. It's your call.

Hey, well, that's luck took a turn for the worse.

Yeah, too bad.

But with my lucky streak, I'm checking out junkets to Vegas, bus charters to

Atlantic City, maybe even Monte Carlo.

Keep it up. You'll be living in the back seat of a Monte Carlo.

Not when I'm on a roll.

Want a cup for high card?

It works.

It definitely works.

Yeah, come in.

So, what do you think?

It's not too overstated, is it?

It's not too anything.

What happened? Nothing's changed.

Au contraire.

According to Design Digest, the right accessory piece can completely change

texture of a room.

So how do you like it?

It just pulls the room together.

That would make a great dice cup.

Snake eyes.

So that's all you could do with 300 bucks?

Well, actually, 290 of it went to repaint Judge Metcalf's car.

But that's the nicest pencil cup $10 can buy.

Okay, Your Honor, everything's set for this weekend.

I can't wait to introduce you fellas to Cantel's line of men's skin care

products. Hey, another makeup party?

Count me in.

Well, you can forget about me.

Kwan Lee told me all about it.

Yeah, she is rather chatty.

Especially about all the mistakes I make.

Yeah, and about all the cases I lose.

And how I chew too loud.

Oh, excuse me, guys.

There's somebody I gotta kill.