Original subtitles

Hey. Hey.

Hi, so how was house hunting?

Well, we've narrowed it down to these four.

Actually, we've really narrowed it down to this one.

It was tough because we like all four.

Now, this cape card is concrete reinforced with a finished basement.

Big deal.

This one has a blue tile kitchen.

This one has a second fireplace in the bedroom.

A cobalt blue tile kitchen.

A house in the suburbs. Boy, I envy you.

The thought of sending little Charlie to school in the city really frightened

me. Well, I'm a product of the city school system.

Be afraid.

Did I mention this house has ceramic cobalt blue tile and bunny wallpaper?

Did I mention that this other house has a two -car garage and another bedroom

all at the same price?

Did I mention that if we don't get the house with the blue tile, you're going

need that extra bedroom, Mac Robinson?

You've really got your heart set on this one, don't you?

Well, I do kind of like the tile.

Okay, I give you in. Let's call the realtor and make an offer.

Do you mean it, Mac?

Last one to the phone has to insulate the attic.

Baby, you're the greatest. Oh, yeah.

wallpaper when I was a kid. My mom and I, we painted 437 bunny faces on my

bedroom walls.

Wow, that sounds like a lot of work.

Oh, not really. All you need is a gallon of paint and a bunny.

Hi, Roz. Why the long face?

Just came back from the bank.

You know, they can approve you a million dollar loan in three minutes, but you

have to wait a year to rent a safe deposit box.

Roz, I've got a safe deposit box I'd be willing to go halfsies on.

All I keep inside is my will, my passport, and the first drafts of all my

letters to Penthouse.

Thanks, but no thanks.

The things I want to store are kind of personal.

What, are you saying you don't trust me? You think I would snoop through your

valuables? Yes.

And yes.

Oh, isn't that great?

Anybody else around here doesn't trust me?

Call it, Matt.

People versus Dawson.

Petty theft.

Mr. Prosecutor. Yes, sir. Mr. Dawson is accused of robbing a liquor store on 9th

Avenue. Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty. He claims he was at his ice

dancing class at the time.

I thought he looked familiar.

After several weeks of finding money missing, the owner, as a last resort,

the cash register rigged.

As in booby -trapped?

Precisely, sir. Apparently tired of the weekly unauthorized withdrawals, the

owner rigged the cash register with a dye pack that sprays the perpetrator's

face with a glow -in -the -dark mist. Max, would you do the honors?

Your Honor,

we'd like to change our plea to guilty.

Held over.

You must take five.

Bad news from Wanda.

Things not going well on the honeymoon?

It seems Bull locked his keys in the car.

So? He can't get out.

I'll be right back. I'm going to take this evidence down to the property. You

know what, Roz? I'm going that way. I'll take it for you. Oh, no. Wait a minute.

What am I thinking? You couldn't possibly trust me with something so

Dan, are you still all bent out of shape about that safe deposit box thing?

Bent out of shape? Try devastated.

Dan, it's not that I don't trust you.

It's that I don't trust you.

Give me that. Oh, well, fine.

I will remember that next time you ask me to do you a favor.

I've never asked you to do me a favor. All right, then I'll remember that next

time I ask you to do me a favor, missy.

And you can forget about loaning me that five bucks for lunch.

Excuse me, uh, Mr. Robinson?

Yeah. Fred DeVille.

I'm a talent scout working on a new ad campaign for royal wear underwear.

Royal wear?

Yes, underwear fit for a king, but priced for a peasant.

Oh, yeah, I've seen those ads. Well, that's the whole idea. Now I can see

you're busy, so I'll be brief.

Sorry, shop humor. Anyway, the gist of our new campaign is to capture guys like

yourself modeling royal wear.

You want to take pictures of me in my underwear?

No, no, no. Our underwear.

I don't think so.

You don't understand. These aren't just pictures. This is a $5 million ad

campaign designed to show regular guys doing their regular jobs. We've already

shot a construction worker, a taxi cab driver, a fireman, and a brain surgeon.

The close -ups in that one were a dismal failure.

Excuse me, did I hear you right? You want Mac to pose in his underwear?

Absolutely. I'm what's known in the industry as a part specialist, and this

is a work of art.

Me?

A Botticelli of body parts.

Mac is a work of art?

That's the silliest thing I ever heard.

No offense, Mac.

Offense taken, sir.

Believe me, Judge, I'm never wrong. Companies hire me to find perfect body

for their ads. Maybe you've seen the drips a lot, nasal spray commercial.

I discovered that nose.

I've seen that nose.

That nose makes $1 ,000 a week.

$1 ,000 a week?

That's $500 a nostril.

That's nothing compared to the $35 ,000 you could get for posing in our

underwear.

$35 ,000?

That's $17 ,500 a cheek.

Look, I appreciate the offer, but I'm going to have to think about it.

You're right.

I guess I caught you with your pants down.

Sorry.

Here's my card.

Call me when you've made a decision.

A thousand bucks a week. I wonder if my nose has what it takes to be in show

business.

Why not?

It's been in everybody else's business.

No offense.

So the guy says Mac has the right build, and he asks him to pose for this ad.

I love royal wear.

Especially the barely there collection.

Dinosaur designs, it brings out the caveman in him.

Of course, don't do fried foods.

Well, hi, guys. Hey.

Aren't we full of ourselves?

What? You think you're so high and mighty just because some fast talker

you to parade around in your underwear.

It's killing you, isn't it? That obvious, huh?

I think the whole thing is degrading. I, for one, have no interest in seeing a

man in his underwear.

Is that so?

Yes. I'm much more impressed with what's inside.

Is that so?

What I meant to say is I'm much more impressed with what's in here.

Me too. Let's have a look.

Are you going to do it or what?

Well, I haven't made up my mind yet.

Well, you know, while you're deciding, don't forget to weigh out the pros and

the cons.

I mean, on the pro side, sure, you've got, you know, your 15 minutes in the

spotlight and that great ego boost, but then there is the con side.

Which is?

Nothing is worth jeopardizing your career, Mac. Not even for $35 ,000.

$35 ,000?

Take... The job, man.

Mac, money isn't everything.

What about your integrity?

I kind of enjoy having it. Oh, please.

Look, come on. This job is not going to hurt you. Look at all those athletes

hawking underwear on television.

It hasn't hurt them or their bank accounts either.

Let me get this straight.

All of you think I shouldn't do the ad.

Right. And Dan, you're saying I should.

Absolutely. Dan, you've convinced me.

I'm not doing it.

Thanks for the help.

What? Wait a minute, what?

Fantastic. Oh, that's great.

Nobody trusts me or my judgment. Is there anything else?

Your socks don't match.

Oh.

Oh, oh, Roz, you're just in time for some dad bashing. Come on, take your

shot.

Your socks don't match.

Is the offer to share your safe deposit box still open?

Oh. You don't trust me, remember?

Okay, Dan, I'm sorry about what I said to you. Come again?

I said I was sorry once. The only way I'll say it again is if your face is

one of my cleats. Okay.

But now the rent's doubled.

Deal.

Is that it?

That's it.

What is it? None of your business.

And it better stay that way.

The eternally trustworthy Dan Fielding is at your service, ma 'am.

Yeah, well, he better be at the bank in the morning or he'll be the internally

bleeding Dan Fielding.

So what do you think it is?

Maybe it's one of her antique grenades.

I can't do it.

No. But, uh, thanks for considering me, Mr. DeVille, and, uh, hey, good luck on

the ad campaign.

Okay. All righty.

Bye -bye.

Quan Li, what's wrong?

The realtor called.

There's been a counteroffer on our house.

And if we don't match it by tomorrow, some strange family will be scuffing up

our blue tile.

Oh, I'm sorry, Quan Li. But hey, we went as high as we can go.

Maybe you could sell your car.

You like the bus.

Quan Li!

I'm just trying to think on my feet.

Oh, Max, we can't lose my dream house.

Oh, there'll be another dream house, I promise.

It just isn't fair.

Quan Li, it's not the end of the world.

It is for me.

This is one of my darkest hours.

I can only hope little Renee won't be scarred for life by her mommy's deep

depression.

Have a nice day.

Mr. DeVille?

Yeah, Mack Robinson.

Are we talking boxer shorts or bikini briefs?

Hi, Harry.

Could I use your office for a minute?

Sure, come on in. Thanks.

This is Susan Daly from Royal Wear.

That's Judge Stone.

Miss Daly? A pleasure. Could you clear out? We have work to do.

You mind, Harry? I need some place for my audition.

The underwear audition?

Yeah. I thought you turned them down. Well, I got to thinking about it and

decided it was too much money to pass up.

No time for chit -chat, boys. Let's shed the shirt and check the pics.

Miss Daly, I'm sorry. I'm not really sure that I can condone...

Whoa, man, where'd you get that body?

Nine years of lifting all those heavy files, sir.

I knew it. Can I spot him or what? I should have these eyeballs insured.

DeVille, I should give you a raise. I won't, but I should.

So, Harry, you want to join us for dinner?

Yeah, we're going out for chest burgers.

How did Mac's head get on that body?

Well, Mac, you're quite a... man.

What did you think I was?

Well, not quite so much of one.

I've always thought of you as good old Mac, not big old Mac.

You better get used to the attention, Mr. Robinson. This is only the

Welcome to the Royal Ware family.

Mimmo to advertising. Get a set of the Robinson proofs on my desk ASAP.

And we're going to need to airbrush the hairline.

Say what?

Don't worry. You're going to be great. We'll meet you in the courtroom tonight

after session.

I'll be here.

Excuse me?

We're working on another ad campaign, and I think you would be just perfect

it.

Oh, really?

Mm -hmm.

I suppose you think that women all over the city are just dying to pull off

their clothes, those sleazy Madison Avenue types like you can sell a few

Well, I, for one, am not going to think to your level, gutter eyes.

Actually, gutter eyes was looking for a sensitive working mother to be in a baby

food commercial.

I guess I can't be right all the time.

What? I was just acting.

That was anger. I can do sensitive, too.

Fifty -five dollars in time, sir. And that's it for tonight. Thank you for

shopping at Harry's.

Pump those files, Mac.

Knock it off, Your Honor.

Well, Mac, you're about to join the elite group that have made underwear

history. I didn't even know there was underwear history.

Ever ask yourself what Neil Armstrong was wearing under his spacesuit?

Lunar bloomers.

One small step for man, one giant leap for royal wear.

Wow. So, are you ready for your date with destiny?

Uh, not yet. I've got some paperwork to finish up first.

Well, there's no rush. We'll just start setting up the lights.

Oh, and here's your costume.

And don't worry, we've got heat lamps.

Why are you still hanging around here?

Well,

tonight's the night I polish and buff my steno keys.

How about you?

I'm here to watch Mac dance around in his undies.

Okay, me too.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Would you save my seat? I'm going to go get some dollar bills.

Congratulations. You've just given me the heart rate of a horny hummingbird.

That wouldn't by any chance be Roz's package that she asked you to put in the

bank?

Maybe.

Dan, how could you? Roz trusted you not to open that.

I didn't open it.

Oh, well, I did fake a rib injury so I could get an x -ray at the hospital, but

I didn't open it.

Dan, what's in that box is none of your business. It is driving me crazy,

Christine. I even took it to a fortune teller.

Twenty dollars to hear something trivial about a loved one in danger.

Dan! What? Oh, okay, okay, please. Just stop looking at me like little orphan

Annie, huh?

I'm going to go and put it in my safe deposit box.

Promise? I promise.

Soon as we take just a few trips through the metal detector at the airport.

Hey.

Nice robe.

Want a swap?

Harry, what have I gotten myself into?

Looks like something about four sizes too small.

I feel like such an idiot.

What am I doing parading around in my shorts?

Well, Mac, I know there must be a good reason or you wouldn't be going through

with it. I need the money so I can buy Kwan Lee's dream house.

That's what changed your mind, huh? Yeah.

I must really love that woman because there's no other reason I'd be putting

myself through this kind of humiliation.

Well, Mac, I think that's very noble.

If the ends justify the means. Oh, I don't know, Harry. What could be more

degrading than this?

How about being a gawky 17 -year -old kid who shaved his legs to get on the

team?

What's so humiliating about that?

I only made towel boy.

Well, at least you had a towel.

I'm going to be out there two cheeks to the wind.

What does Kwan Lee think about it? I haven't told her yet.

You haven't told her? No.

Mac. Aren't you the one who's always telling me how important communication

in a marriage? Uh -uh, uh -uh, not this time. No, she wouldn't understand.

She is so old -fashioned, she still thinks the microwave is the devil's

instrument.

So is she going to understand when she sees her husband's butt plastered on the

side of a bus?

By that time, we'll be in the suburbs in our blue -tile dream house, sipping

lemonade and counting bunnies on the wall.

Max, if this makes you uncomfortable...

and you know that it's going to make her uncomfortable, then don't you already

have your answer? Yeah, yeah. Are you right? I cannot sink that low.

Thanks,

Harry.

You know, I can always count on you to help me to stand up for what I believe

in, even if it means losing thousands of dollars, a dream house, and probably my

wife.

Hey, pal.

That's what I'm here for.

Mac! Oh, Quan Li, I'm glad you're here.

There was something I was going to do. I decided it wasn't right, so I changed

my mind.

Mac, stop rambling. Sit down and listen.

I have something important to tell you.

What is it?

I figured out a way I can get us the extra money.

You're going to get a part -time job?

No, nothing that radical.

I've decided to be a surrogate mother.

to a lawyer, and he said we could get $20 ,000.

$30 ,000 for twins.

Isn't that wonderful?

Kwanda, you can't do that.

I'm not saying it'll be easy, but it'll be worth every horrible swollen moment.

I am a desperate woman, Mac.

I am willing to do whatever it takes to get that house for the three of us.

And Mr. Lansky's twins.

I guess you are.

Then so am I.

Quan Li, I want you to go home and start packing. That blue towel house is going

to be ours tomorrow.

You mean it?

How? Well, that's what I've been trying to tell you. It's all been taken care

of. Now, you just trust me.

I love you, Mac Robinson.

And I love you too, Quan Li.

the robe royal wear wants me to pose for some pictures in my underwear

you you

know after all these years you can still make me

laugh

I'm ready for my close -up, Mr. DeVille.

Dan. Oh, uh, Roz, here's the, uh, key to the safe deposit box.

Gotta go. Bye -bye.

You didn't open my package and look inside, did you?

Uh, Roz, give me a little credit, will you?

Hit it, Christine.

hot in here.