Original subtitles

What are you listening to, Bull?

It's a tape called Subliminal Physics for Beginners. It's part of the

Books on Tape series.

Relax to the soothing sounds of the ocean and seagulls as your subconscious

hears Carl Sagan bring quantum physics to life.

So have you learned anything so far?

Yep. Carl Sagan's voice makes my ears bleed.

Then why are you listening to it?

Well, it's not altogether a bad feeling.

Here are those wanted posters you asked for, boss.

Wanted posters?

Yes. I have decided to bring some fugitives to justice. It's my way of

something back to this great city of ours.

Since when did you become the caped crusader?

I heard about the reward money.

There's big bucks in bounty hunting. Will, here are your assignments for this

evening. Mail fraud, petty larceny, tax evasion, parking violations.

It'll be a pleasure to round up this scum.

You're sending Will after them?

Dad, isn't that a little dangerous?

Nah, they're all wanted for just minor stuff. I mean, the bounties are low, so

the key word is volume.

No, the key word is greed.

No, that's the mantra.

What's the matter, Harry?

This is the Ed Koch Community College Humor Magazine.

The harpoon.

So? So now that I'm teaching there, they've made me the faculty advisor.

The best buns in New York contest?

Our connect -the -dots portrait of Ed Koch?

Our phony phone call to the Pope?

If you're their faculty advisor, you should advise them to stop printing

Excuse me, Christine, could you pass these sodium chloride crystals that

condense in math through vaporization?

Hey,

it's working!

Professor Stone, you want to do a CS?

Ah, yes.

The editors.

Walter, Travis, come on in, guys.

Thanks. Take a seat.

All right. I called you down here to talk about the harpoon.

Yeah, did this issue turn out great? I really liked your idea, numbering the

pages.

Especially that little tip on consecutive order.

Oh, yeah.

It's a good start, but we have a ways to go.

Hey, we're really trying, Judge. It's not easy going to night school and

a cab and creating biting satire that's spelled right.

I understand, fellas, but we've got to try.

We've got to make this magazine everything it can be.

We've got to find something to make the harpoon worth reading.

We can restore the Man of the Year Award.

Yeah, now you're talking.

The Man of the Year, what's that?

It's an old harpoon tradition from the late 80s.

They used to put the winner's picture on a cover and honor him at a fundraiser.

Well, that sounds great. Why was that discontinued?

Well, in 87, the winner was the world's fastest chewer, and during the

interview, he swallowed his dentures.

Yeah, with a tracheotomy made for a great photo layout.

That's ancient history.

But we can't get it started again.

Yeah, this man of the year thing could be just what the harpoon needs.

We just have to find someone very impressive to honor.

Well, we're just a small -time community college, sir.

Nobody's going to want us.

Hey, what about Mel Torme?

Who's Mel Gourmet?

Torme is only the greatest singer and songwriter who ever lived.

I have a heart of you.

I'm telling you guys, with Mel Torme as your man of the year, it could get the

harpoon back on its feet.

Great, and where are we going to find this guy? Look in the yellow pages under

where are they now?

Al and I are very tight.

In fact, last year, he personally hand -delivered to me tickets to his concert.

Really? He sounds desperate enough.

Okay, Professor, if you think so.

So you want me to hire some hookers to blackmail him into it?

No, Travis. Why don't I just ask him?

Okay. But people are more open -minded when you got snapshots of them in a skin

sandwich.

Five fugitives, five rewards.

They gave up just like that? No resistance, no violence? No, ma 'am.

where's the sport in this?

Hold on a second. You caught five fugitives in three hours?

Exactement.

I'm rich.

This is the motherlode.

Catching felons for fun and profit. I see it all now. A franchise.

Have dozens of guys running around in little uniforms catching crooks.

It's been done, Dan. It's called the police.

Rod, these men are all yours.

No resistance.

You guys are going to have a great time in holding.

No time to stand around. I think I hear the chow bell ringing at the mission.

Hold on, Will. More important mission. More crooks to round up.

Edward Lutz, a .k .a. Crazy Eddie, a .k .a. Eddie the Machete, a .k .a.

Edward Scissor Glands.

Something tells me this guy's gone way beyond white collar.

Well, it'd be silly. He's only wanted for performing plastic surgery without a

license. And without anesthesia.

And without permission.

Damn. He's got a maniac.

Oh, let he without sin.

They might be a little trickier than the others.

but he's worth ten grand. That means your split is a cool hundred dollars.

A hundred dollars?

Doesn't seem fair.

But since I am your humbled servant and forever in your debt, I accept the

challenge. Good. Then I'll keep the hundred dollars.

I'll rise defying the gravitational pull of the earth.

Part two is now accelerating from an inert state to an incession state.

The Honorable Energy Mask, Harold T. Stone.

Residing in space and time.

Boy, he said a mouthful.

Yeah, now he's making my ears bleed.

like to see Mr. Torme? Mr. Torme is rehearsing and not available to his

legion.

I'm not a fan.

I mean, I am a fan. I'm his biggest fan. I happen to know Mel personally. Many

claim to know Mr. Torme personally. They merely want him to appear at a banquet

or accept some trivial award.

Oh, it's nothing like that.

Just tell him Judge Stone is here.

If I must. Wait here.

And don't touch anything.

I wrote that one for Ella.

She did a Marvy scat version of that one. I mean, that kitty cat can really

swing.

Come, gentlemen, Mr. Tomey's a very busy man. We mustn't monopolize his time

with public adulation.

Oh, Chumley, don't be such a hangnail.

Fellas, I want to thank you once again for this fabuloso Junior Woodchuck of

Year Award.

I want to hang it right here, right here next to my keychain.

of keys to the cities. Hey, I just got Tallahassee yesterday.

That Marvy little Hamlet really digs the mellow, so man.

Hey, Chumlee, those are two with it chuck -a -duck ducks.

There is a judge here who claims to know you. A judge?

That's wild. I don't know any judges.

Hey, Mel.

Oh, that judge.

It's really swell to see you again.

Wow, this is incredible.

Oh, it's just a little place I like to call my shrine.

This must be the baby grand you used to record Chase Me Charlie on Mel Torme and

Friends, recorded live in 81.

Not bad, not bad. Well, then maybe you remember my friends.

The Meltones.

Paulette and Ursula.

Like, hi.

A meltone just spoke to me.

So, have you just come to worship or is there something in this for me?

Well, it is my honor as faculty advisor to the Ed Koch Community College Humor

Magazine to inform you that we have chosen you as our man of the year. Man

the year!

Oh, it sounds scrumptious.

What's the catch?

The catch, the students worship your music and they want to acknowledge it

an award.

They really worship my music?

at all the frat parties.

Did you hear that, Chumlee?

I told you I was still steaming up that campus scene.

Well, as marvy as it is to have fans on the egghead circuit, I've got... No,

Mel, Mel, Mel, these aren't just fans.

They're the future journalists of America.

They are? Yes.

And with you as their man of the year, they can raise enough money to continue

publishing.

They can?

Yes, absolutely, and not only will you get the cover story and your own awards

banquet, but they also want to give you a plaque.

A plaque?

How big?

Oh, say, yo big.

And it would be engraved, fabulicious.

And all I have to do is just, uh, Show up at this banquet, huh? And let them

interview you for the article.

Kiddo, you got yourself a man of the year.

Marvie.

Wow. Great story, Mr. Tomei.

I think we got all we need.

Well, if you kiddos don't have any more questions for the melloso man, I think I

better fly back to the nest and suit up for the banquet.

We'll pick you up at 8 o 'clock.

Marvie.

Harris -O -Reno.

You know, you've been a pest in the past, but this time, you really came up

the goods.

Well, what are buddies for?

Moloto Man?

Now, you'll sit on the dais with me.

Oh, Mel, I would be honored.

Magnifico. And then afterward, you, me, and the Meltones will hip -hop over to

Sardi's for Singapore slings.

I've died and gone to heaven.

Wonderful.

Well, till then.

Catch you on the flip -flop, Judge.

Oh, guys.

This is going to be the greatest night of my life.

Oh, I guess I'm going to have to get the old tuxedo pressed.

Save your money, Judge. You won't be needing it, Tux. He fell for it hook,

and sinker.

Travis. He was going to find out sooner or later.

Find out what?

Well, there is no award ceremony.

What? A little prank we play on the man of the year. Part of the Harpoon time

-honored tradition.

What's the other part of the time -honored tradition?

Well, basically, we kidnap the man of the year. We blindfold him, take him to

the school gym.

shave his head, hang him upside down over the basketball court, pelt him with

tomatoes.

We can't do that to Mel Torme!

We have to. We sold 3 ,000 tickets.

And 6 ,000 tomatoes.

Good news, boss. We've hit the jackpot.

Wait a minute, don't tell me. Eddie the machete, the cranky cosmetic surgeon?

In the homicidal flesh.

I don't believe it. How'd you take him alive?

Reverse psychology.

I let Eddie beat me till he thought I was in a coma.

That's when they let their guard down.

So I guess your little scheme paid off, even though you almost cost Willie's

life. A small price to pay in the name of justice and Dan Fielding's bank

account, huh?

So you're the one who sent him after me.

Fielding.

Fielding.

Fielding! What are you doing?

I'm burning your name into my brain.

Want me to write it down for you?

Come on, Denny. Time to turn you over to the proper authorities.

I'll be back, boss.

So will I, boss.

Fielding.

Fielding.

Well,

Dan, looks like you got yourself a new pen pal.

You better pray he stays in the pen.

Come on, Matt, keep them coming. What's the holdup?

Your Honor, defense is all for the right to a speedy trial, but does it have to

be warp speed? I have no time to wait. I have to save Mel.

What are you talking about? If I don't get to him before those harpoonies do,

they're going to hang him upside down and shave all his hair off.

Why would they do that?

Probably so none of the little hair thingies go down his collar.

Good news, sir. I've got the last five cases coming right up. People versus

Bloom, people versus Hauser, people versus Stahl and Fisher, and people

Heckler. Charges?

Littering. Spitting on the subway, a fist fight, and staging an illegal sit

All right, we have some litter, a spitter, two hitters, and a sitter.

Good thing there wasn't a pooper scooper violation.

Uh,

yes, sir? Well, they're minor charges, and they look like nice people, so to

expedite things, what do you say we call it? Time served, and a stern warning

not to do it again.

That's a wrap.

Dan! Oh, thank God you're all right.

Of course I'm all right. What are you talking about? Well, Eddie the Machete,

escaped.

Oh.

He'd get right through the cuffs. Then he overpowered me and ran off chanting,

Fielding, fielding, fielding.

I hope you're not angry with me.

Angry? No.

It's not your fault. You did your best.

That's all any reasonable person could ask.

Thanks, boss.

Sure. Oh, Will, you know, I just remembered. I need a house sitter

Would you mind going by my place, putting on one of my suits and sitting

window?

Of course.

Oh, nice, Dan.

Now that Will's a sitting target, what are you going to do? Change my name to

Consuelo and move to Ecuador.

I tell you, Chumlee, it's the bow tie. It shrank.

It did not shrink. You grew.

I'm the same neck size I was at 30. These jazzy jowls are as tight as a tom

-tom.

There. Well, how do I look? Fine.

Except someone forgot to wash his face.

Spit.

Ah,

my adoring fans have arrived.

Oh, Mel.

Thank goodness you're still here. Oh, hi, Harry. How do I look? Beautiful.

And a full, beautiful head of hair.

And your attire is understated yet unrefined.

Don't pay any attention to him, Harry. He's just excited about the big event.

You're excited?

Like a quivering schoolgirl.

You know, Harry...

This is a big night for me, but the really fab part of it is that you and I

finally getting to know each other. Yeah. Mel, about the banquet. Listen,

you've got some time, I want you to meet my daughter, Melody.

Isn't she a dish?

A dish.

She's a knockout. And single.

You know, one of these days, Harry, you may become a member of the Torme tribe.

The Torme?

I could have been a Torme.

No, about the banquet.

Oh, yeah, listen, I meant to ask you, what are they serving on the menu?

Something about tomatoes.

Stewed or stuffed?

Tossed. No.

You know, I was thinking on the way down here, I mean, you've won so many awards

in your life. 2 ,647, but who's counting?

Exactly. And then there are all... those guys out there, they haven't won

anything. You know, that's right. I'm blessed.

I'm truly blessed.

And no one is more generous than you.

That's true.

I'm generous and blessed.

I was thinking, since you're so generous and blessed, maybe you would want to

withdraw your name for Man of the Year and then let someone else get the award.

What, are you kidding, Harry? I can't let those...

campus cats down?

Oh, sure you can. It's a nothing award from a nothing school.

Harry, I'm surprised at you. What do you take me for, one of those phony showbiz

types? Listen, I gave him my word.

I'm going to be at that banquet tonight with bells on.

Besides, I need the plaque.

Oh, that must be the kids now.

I'll get them.

Is Mel ready? We got the chloroform and razor.

Yeah, it's them, all right.

Harry, what is wrong with you?

Nothing.

It was kind of cold out tonight, Mel. Maybe you need an overcoat.

Not a bad idea. Got to protect these croon tubes, huh?

Bad news, guys.

He came down with a tuxedo infection.

He's going to spend the night in.

Oh, no.

I know you guys are disappointed, but you'll get over it. I mean, what the

You just have to wait a year before you get another victim for your award.

I hate to waste good chloroform.

I think that physics tape has vaporized your brain.

No, no, I'm finished with that book. Now I'm listening to subliminal Dr. Seuss.

$18 ,000.

$19 ,000.

$20 ,000.

Where'd you get all that cash?

From Dan. For recapturing Eddie the Machete.

Nice doing business with you, Dan.

All rise! All rise! Put your head in the skies.

Now in session is criminal court part two.

Are you?

Hannibal Harold T. Stone presiding.