Original subtitles

Really worried, Mac.

I hope he's okay.

Good news?

No news.

Bad news.

You are in big trouble, Dan.

Me? Hold on a second. I'm not taking the rap for this.

Are we going to start session before I retire?

What's going on around here?

Nothing. Everything's fine. Bull, fine.

You're all lying.

Where's Bull?

Who?

Hairless, Caucasian, low -slung, brow, purple, bone -crushing jaw.

Oh, that Bull.

Well, he, well, Bella, Bull, anybody want to jump in here?

Dan, why don't you just tell us where Bull is?

Do I have to?

Okay, all right, all right. To make a long story short, Bull has been sort

What's that word?

You know, kidnapped?

Kidnapped? Well, you know, kidnapped is too strong a word. I think shanghaied is

more appropriate. Yeah, that's it. Bull was shanghaied.

What was Bull doing in China?

Here's a dollar. Buy a clue.

Tell him what happened, Dan.

All right, well, last night, Bull was abducted from the basketball party Harry

threw for him.

Me? That was your party, pal.

You're the one who almost got us all barbecued.

Barbecued? I still can't get the smell of broiled naga hide out of my mustache.

Well, what did you know? You were too busy doing your homework.

Pardon me, but I had to finish my term paper. It's due today.

Now it looks like a map of the Ponderosa.

Excuse me. Well, you certainly seem to be enjoying yourself before the

explosion.

Explosion? You know, there's gonna be another explosion around here if

doesn't tell me what happened.

All right, all right, I'll tell you what happened.

It all started last night while Mac and I were doing the preparations for Bull's

bachelor party. And everything was going just hunky -dory until Dan showed up

and butted in.

Crepe paper and streamers?

Check.

Non -alcoholic beverages?

Check.

Scarves, handcuffs, and a rabbit?

Yep. I figure once the party gets warmed up, we'll do a magic show. Magic?

Oh, that's too bad. And I gotta leave early to finish my term paper. Darn.

Hey, guys.

What's this?

Bull's bachelor party.

Ovaltine?

Cheetos.

A book of scary stories.

It's not a bachelor party. That's a Girl Scout jamboree.

Come on, fellas, the man is getting married. Do you have any idea what that

means?

Steady sex.

Yeah, for a month.

Come on, guys, a bachelor party is the time to rally around the groom before he

is snatched by matrimony's grim reaper.

And this little coffee clash you're putting together here just won't do.

All right, my duty's clear. I'll take it from here, boys.

Stan, I don't think Bull would like your kind of party. Yes, he will.

I'll start by booking a suite at the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City. Atlantic

City? Oh, you can count me out. I got a paper due tomorrow on the Miranda Act.

You're in luck. We can catch Miranda's act in the butts -up doc review.

Terry, do you think we can make popcorn strings tonight?

Change of plans, Bull.

I'm replacing the popcorn strings.

with G -strings.

Well, don't you let Dan railroad you. This is your party and you can do

you want.

Can we still watch the Ten Commandments?

Better. We can break seven of them.

Gee, I don't know, Dan.

Well, Mac and I did a lot of work preparing for your party.

In fact, I was going to do a little magic show for you.

So, when do we leave?

Right after session. In the meantime, I'm going to charter us a party bus.

Hello,

Candy's Bikini Lines?

Start your engines.

You mean you actually rented a sleazy party bus?

Sleazy? That was the best lua bus money could rent.

I know. I've been on them all.

Clue, do I?

Oh, it was awesome.

That stupid bus had sand on the floor, flaming tiki torches, and some tropical

drink that tasted like pineapple juice and turpentine.

That was our complimentary vodka zombie punch.

Two sips and you can raise the dead.

You should have just stayed home.

Oh, is that so? If I remember correctly, you were one pretty happy guy when you

won the limbo contest.

The limbo contest?

Yeah. And he only won because he cheated.

I did not.

Did too. We all saw your butt print in the sand, Harry.

That was such a lie.

All right, all right. Knock it off.

What happened to Bull?

Well, there was an unexpected change in plans.

Wow, so this is Trump Plaza.

No, Bull.

This is Dump Plaza.

Well, this is quaint.

Now, come on, guys. Even though we didn't make it to Atlantic City, we can

hardy right here in, um... Where are we?

We are stranded somewhere near the Jersey Turnpike, Dan. And I don't feel

like partying with my turnpaper steel smoldering.

Come on, come on, come on, guys. Are we going to let one little fender bender...

All right, fine. We're going to let one little exploding bus ruin this bachelor

party?

Hey, hey, thanks for the lift, good buddy.

Yeah.

Huh?

It's a good thing that truck driver braked for good -looking legs, or we'd

be running from that burning heap of twisted metal.

Could be in my place right now, safe and sound, playing per quacky. But no.

Dan had to ignite the vodka punch. Excuse me.

Was this little weasel who slapped the lit cigar out of my mouth?

Look, as I explained to you before the fiery holocaust, public transportation

code prohibits smoking on domestic bus rides.

Not to excuse Dan, but that code does not apply.

a privately chartered vehicle.

Up yours.

Gee, Dan, I'm having a great time.

How'd you know I always dreamed of riding on an exploding bus?

There you are, Fielding.

You owe me $125 ,000.

Candy, how do you figure?

You blew up my bus for crying out loud.

There's nothing left except this.

Well, considering the fact that we didn't make it to Atlantic City, I would

you were in breach of contract.

But I know how you can make it up. Why don't you dance for us?

I want my money now, Fielding. And 15 bucks each for the shirts.

Candy, all of our money was cremated in the backdraft after the explosion.

The only thing we have left is my Players International card. Great.

I'll use it to get me a lawyer so I can sue your butt.

think we have a good case.

Leave him so soon.

Oh, shut up.

Well, she's not going to stay in business long with that attitude.

Look what I managed to save from the burning wrecking.

Well done, Will.

Well done.

Of course he's well done.

Flames were shooting a hundred feet into the sky.

We left the crater in the turnpike.

Cows died.

I should have never come here with you losers.

I want to go back to New York.

Now! Oh, stick around, Oscar.

It can't get any worse.

I should believe you?

You said we were going to be eating marshmallow s'mores, drinking club soda,

watching the Ten Commandments.

Well, that's what we were going to do until Dan ruined the whole evening. Hold

on a second here. The evening is not ruined. We still have the VCR, huh? Give

up, Fielding. It's over. It isn't. It is. It isn't.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Fighting won't get us anywhere.

Now, let's just take a deep breath and calm down, okay? Oh. Come on. Come on.

There, there. Now we can think straight.

You know what?

You do have attractive legs.

Crazy. We gotta call for help. Somebody give me change.

I would, but my coins are still glowing red hot.

Doesn't that hurt?

You bet.

All right, all right.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

This is my lucky mercury head dime.

It was given to me by Professor Brust, my mentor.

It was given to him by Clarence Darrow, his mentor.

Take it, Bull.

Find a pay phone.

Call N -Y -P -D.

Get help.

Okay.

All right, come on, come on. Somebody get this party on its feet.

All right, help me hook this VCR up. Hey, Will, you still got that tape? No,

right here, boss.

I salvaged just a good one.

Heck, he'll know.

I saw that one. It's very predictable.

I'll believe you, Dan.

Everything that we've been through, and you still want to see a sex video. Oh,

Harry, come on. I mean, what do you want me to say?

I'm sorry.

Oh, you're sorry?

You're sorry? Hey, look at my term paper.

All my work this semester up in smoke. I can't turn this in tomorrow. I'm going

to fail.

quite pathetic.

I'll tell you what, Mac. With my legal expertise, I'll help you get that term

paper into shape.

Really? Hey, thanks, Oscar.

Sure. First, get some motel stationery. A letterhead always looks good.

That's a good idea, Oscar.

Mac? Yeah?

Don't you think I'm more qualified to help than Oscar?

You've never been interested in my work before.

You never asked. Well, you never offered. I would have. I called NYPD and

said they'll get here, but it'll take a little time.

Hey, if we're going to watch TV, I have to hold a clicker.

You try me, Oscar.

You really try me.

I don't want to watch this. It's disgusting. It's demeaning. And it's

What else could go wrong?

You know that woman I almost married?

Yeah. I think I just saw her in that video.

You saw Margaret in a pornographic video?

Yep. I'd recognize those dimples anywhere.

Which one?

So, your bus blows up, you get stuck in a run -down motel room, there's a

blackout, and that's when Bull's kidnapped?

Not even close.

That's why I never take the bus.

So there we were, stuck in hell, listening to Lisette's boyfriend

about his pathetic childhood.

So at the crack of dawn, on Christmas morning, I leapt out of bed.

And I woke up all of my brothers and sisters.

And we ran downstairs.

And there he was, the old fat man himself, my pop,

holding the empty leash.

It was true.

He put our poodle Cha -Cha to sleep.

And we all cried.

Poor little Cha -Cha.

Oh, oh, hey, my paper's on fire. My paper's burning.

Oh, that was close.

I almost lost Oscar's reflection on probable cause.

Hey, there we go. It was just a faulty diode and a condenser.

All right, let's see this tape. Absolutely not, sir. This machine's

responsible for blacking out half of New Jersey. I don't care.

I'm sorry, sir. The maintenance man's code. I'm sworn to protect the entire

northeastern electrical grid wherever I may be.

Do you think the video store will notice I didn't rewind this?

Hey, Harry, for what it's worth, I don't think it was her.

You're probably right, Mac.

It wasn't Margaret.

You're wrong, Mac. I'm positive it was her.

Just trying to back you up, Harry.

Way to go, Bull.

I'm gonna work on my paper.

Oh, boys!

This is our lucky day.

Some luck. I just found out that this motel has a 24 -hour Moroccan coffee

It's called Lil' Bit of Tunis.

And I got us a lil' something to go.

Well, I love Moroccan food.

I hate Moroccan food. I love feta cheese and falafel. No, no. Moroccan food is

dishes like stuffed grape leaves and tabbouleh. Can you please keep it down?

trying to work.

Wait, I thought Moroccan food was stuff like tacos and burritos.

No, that's California food.

Why the hell are we arguing Moroccan cuisine?

Harry is right. Shut up, everybody.

Because it is showtime, gentlemen.

Meet Fatima.

lied to me. This ain't no bar mitzvah.

Well, no. Yes, it is. It is. It is a bar mitzvah. It's his bar mitzvah.

Today, he is a man.

Honey, he doesn't look human.

Gee, this is just great.

How'd you know I love genies?

Sure, baby.

I'll be your genie. I'll be whatever you want me to be, huh? Just put on some

music. Music, maestro. Some music.

Meatloaf curry doesn't keep.

Wait a minute. Betty!

Betty! You promised you'd show us your fez.

What's the matter, Bull?

Am I happy?

Bull, I'm sorry. Listen, I'll get the belly dancer back.

That's not it. She reminds me of Wanda, and I miss her.

Wanda belly dances for you?

No, she makes meatloaf curry.

Bull, come on. Come on, we'll get you back home and you and Wanda get to share

whole lifetime of meatloaf curry.

You know who makes great meatloaf curry? Their schnitzel house on West 35th

Street. Hold it. Curry is not German.

No, but meatloaf is.

I don't believe this. Keep it down. But meatloaf is from southern Wales.

Oh, come on, you're both wrong. It's from colonial America.

You mean the Pilgrims? They didn't invent meatloaf. They invented turkey.

I believe...

Cambodians eat curry.

Who cares what Cambodians eat?

Stop it! Stop it! You're driving me nuts.

I can't concentrate when you're fighting like cats and dogs.

Cats and dogs, right.

Cambodians eat cats and dogs.

Help at last.

Yes.

Thank God.

First officer, take me back to Manhattan with you.

Press charges against everybody.

Officer, do your duty.

Got a pizza for Bull Shannon?

Pizza? What the hell is going on?

That'll be $62 .50 for six pizzas.

Thanks.

Bull, can we talk?

Sure. Did you call NYPD?

Yep, just like you asked. New York Police Department.

New York pizza delivery.

You ordered pizza with my sacred dime?

Hey, they threw in garlic bread.

Hey, come on, pay up. I'm in a hurry.

We can't pay you. All our money was burned up in a bus explosion.

Oh, and how many times have I heard that one?

I am sick and tired of constantly being sniffed by you, you frat boys.

Oh, look out, he's got a pizza cutter.

And I am not leaving here empty -handed.

Look, please, I beg you. Just give me a ride back to New York, and I will pay

you quadruple the price of those pizzas.

Company policy.

No riders.

Well, fine.

But there is no rule against taking a hostage.

You.

You look like you're worth $62 .50.

Really? Thanks.

Yeah. You're coming with me.

Dan, you did it again! How did you know I always dreamed of being taken hostage?

Lucky guess.

So, where are we going?

Atlantic City.

Watch your head.

Right. Not if the children are gone.

We could have some real fun, huh?

You mean you...

let a half -crazed pizza delivery boy take bull hostage?

That about sums it up.

So I have to cover bull's shift.

Damn.

You know, with a little cutting and pasting, I probably could turn this

after all.

Hi, everybody.

Thanks again for the great bachelor party, Dan.

Atlantic City was real neat, especially the hotel.

Well, what happened to the pizza guy?

Well, he turned out to be a pretty nice fella.

He was just a little on edge because of the recession.

So I took him to the butt -up dock with you, where I met Shafter and Cath Gaze.

Well, you gals got to get back for the late show, and I got to get ready for

session.

Thanks again, Dad.

No!

And I watched helplessly as it floated away.

And that, Professor, is why I couldn't turn in my term paper on time.

Three more days?

Oh, well, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

Well?

He bought the whole story.

Great! Now you can come to my bachelor party in the cafeteria.

We're watching the Ten Commandments and having s'mores.