Original subtitles

Harry, hurry up with Dan's welcome back card.

Well, I hope this doesn't embarrass him.

Harry, the man was living in the sewer.

Just write something from the heart like we did.

You mean like, Dan, welcome back. Glad you traded your straitjacket for a sport

jacket. Love ya, Ross.

Here they are, your tickets for the train to Good Luckville.

Oh. Man, these are chain letters. Oh, I hate these things.

Yeah, you'd have to be a real idiot to send these.

They're from me.

Nuff said.

I can honestly say I have never answered one of these.

That probably explains why you still live alone and drive a Vega.

But don't worry, this chain letter is going to turn it all around. Just look

all the good luck other folks have had.

Doris Schaefer was nine months pregnant when she answered this letter.

The next day, she had a baby boy and lost 45 pounds.

This chain has also been linked to 462 rodeo winners.

Fine.

Break the chain, but I'm not responsible for all the bad luck you're about to

receive.

Hi, guys. Hey, Dan.

Pull up a chair.

No, I don't have time. I just came by to say hi. Hi.

Hey, Dan.

Nice suit.

That's one of my suits.

Nice suit.

Dan, we all chipped in and we bought you a welcome back present.

Yeah, I hope you like it. Looks like something you could use.

Thank you, guys.

Yeah, I'm a little, uh...

short on worldly goods right now.

I'm just grateful to the DA's office for letting me still work, even if it is in

a lower court.

Well, I'm sure it's only a temporary assignment, Dan. In the meantime, it's

to have you back, pal.

Thanks.

I've missed that sound.

Dan Fielding's back on track.

on track. It must have been one hell of a derailment.

Paul, what happened?

I don't know.

The strange thing is that it happened in the men's room.

See? Your bad luck has already started.

And as much as I support the spirit of entrepreneurship, I'm afraid that

him have it his way, that way, does qualify as solicitation.

$55 in time, sir.

And what's next on the menu, big man?

Uh, people versus street gold, sir.

Get your hands off of my imported silk jacket, thank you.

Sorry.

Well, what happened to your neck?

Uh, trouble with my locker, Ross.

More of your bad luck.

How bad?

They had to use the jaws of life.

Now, what's the buzz, Miss Maddox?

That's Ms., Your Honor.

And the buzz happened at Maison de Ville when the defendant, Mr. Strico, tried

to exit the restaurant without paying the check.

It was their fault. The bananas flambé, they did not flam.

Clearly a case of...

Menu fraud, Your Honor.

What a subtle defense.

Virtually non -existent.

But prior to entering the restaurant, the defendant used his limo to push a

out of a handicapped parking space.

It was raining. I was wearing suede shoes.

That happened to me once, except it wasn't raining and they weren't my

Come to think of it, it wasn't even me.

Miss Hockheiser, button.

Mr. Strico's tirade continued when he cut through a line of people, slapped

maitre d' with his glove, and compared the man's reproductive organs to a plate

of baby vegetables.

Sir, I am the damaged party here.

Because of that poor excuse for cuisine, my well -endowed American date walked

out during the sorbet bonbon.

I'm sure it wasn't your stimulating repartee.

You wish to kiss me, don't you?

Kiss my... Objection!

Well -timed, Miss Sullivan.

Your Honor, we're not entering a plea. We're claiming diplomatic immunity.

Wow, diplomatic immunity. We haven't had one of those in a long time.

He says he's the ambassador from Rogash.

Rogash. I haven't heard of that country. Say something in Rogash.

It is Roganese, and it sounds very much like English. As a matter of fact, I'm

speaking it now.

Gee, I'd give anything to speak a second language like that.

Uh, Mr. Strico, do you have any proof or any ID that might help persuade the

court? No, I don't carry a wallet.

It would ruin the lines in my $700 gabardine pants.

However, I do have a lucan.

Figures. He's got no ID, but he carries around a tropical bird.

What's up, Kaiser?

Buttoning it, sir.

A lucan is our currency.

That's my uncle.

He's the president. See? We have same eyes.

And they look like honest eyes to me, sir.

Yeah, right.

Uh, Mr. Strico, I'm having trouble buying any of this. But immunity aside,

kind of outrageous public behavior does not pass without a ruling in my court.

Well, I say poofed to the rules of your court and the hossie that they rode in

on.

Well, I say poofed right back at you, pal.

What? Mac, see if you can get an ID verification on our visitor from

That is Rogosh!

Yeah, I'm sure it is. Roz, why don't you take him down and show him the

ambassador suite?

This is an outrage.

You'll be hearing from my cousin, the minister of state. You do not know who

are dealing with.

I am immune.

Move it, and we'll see how immune your buddy is to my boot.

and petty theft.

It seems as though he dug up a shank bone belonging to my client, Montgomery,

which he had carefully buried under his favorite tree. I have an affidavit from

his veterinarian which attests to recent listlessness, and I quote, Montgomery

won't even respond to his squeaky toys.

Defense? Your Honor.

Look at this!

That's the face of a thief? No.

That's the face of a good dog.

A good, good doggie.

I agree.

Archie is a good doggie.

And he found the bone under a tree on public property.

Case dismissed.

You're not a dog lover, are you, Fielding?

I've had my share.

People versus Sparky Hello

Sparky Go

ahead Feldman Fielding Whatever

Disturbing the peace, you're on a violation of civil code 60213. Cut to

chase, Fieldstream.

It's a barking case.

I have several complaints from Sparky's neighbors that his incessant barking

kept them up at night. I would like to submit this audio cassette recording of

Sparky's bark as people exhibit A.

Did Sparky consent to being taped?

No, he's a dog.

You should know that this tape is inadmissible evidence, Feldstein.

Defense? Your Honor.

Look at this tape!

Is that the face of a noisy dog?

No, it is the face of a good dog.

A good, good doggie.

Sparky?

Are you a dog who only speaks when spoken to?

Clearly, this cannot be the doggie in question.

Case dismissed.

Your Honor,

could I have a few minutes to gather my dignity?

Okay. Five minutes reset for walkies.

Well,

I guess being a diplomat means never having to say you're sorry.

Story checked out. Yep, Strico is the ambassador of Rogosh.

He's only been in the U .S. for two months, and this is his fifth arrest,

he's never been tried.

Diplomatic community.

What do you think, Mac?

Well, he's a pompous ass, but our hands are tied.

I took the liberty of bringing him down from holding.

I can't believe I have to let that idiot go.

These diplomatic guys really get me boiling.

They get all the good seats to the best shows.

Their children all get into the best private schools.

And they always slide by with more than ten items in the express lane.

These jerks really scald me.

You got stood up by one, huh?

He wasn't my type anyway.

Here he is, Your Honor.

Bull, why are you in cuffs?

The key broke off in the lock.

Then I dislocated my shoulder attempting a daring Houdini escape.

How about those chain letters?

Help me.

Bye, Bo.

Bye, sir.

How dare you put me in a cell with common criminals?

The place smelled like wet goats.

Make you homesick, Ambassador?

You wish to kiss me, don't you?

All right, Strico, the law says I have to let you go.

You should be kissing Uncle Sam's toes and apologizing right now.

Royalty does not apologize.

The Roganese don't even have a word for I'm sorry.

However, we do have a word which means war.

And what is that?

War.

Call me a cab, missy. I must get back to the embassy and engage our troops.

It is my duty to my country.

You're saying we're at war?

That's correct.

All right.

Mac, call holding. We just got our first prisoner of war.

Ah.

You're right.

The State Department would like to thank you, Judge Stone. The war machine is in

motion. We are now at DEFCON 4.

Believe me, Mr. Dunford, I did not intend to strain relations with Rogosh.

just wanted to teach the ambassador a little respect.

Judge Stone, leave the protocol to the pros.

Well, you're not doing a very good job of it. This city is crawling with

arrogant dignitaries who think the rules don't apply to them.

You got stood up, didn't you?

You probably got mixed up about the day or time.

What's all the fuss about? Rogash is a tiny little country with an obnoxious

delegate. If being obnoxious was the criteria, we'd have to close down the

French embassy.

The U .S. needs Rogash as an ally. Their country is a strategically placed

listening post to spy on the Swiss.

Why would anybody want to spy on the Swiss?

You don't want to know.

But believe me, we at State take this declaration of war as serious business.

Oh, you don't think they really mean it to you?

Maybe both sides should just sit down and talk it out over some orange

cappuccino. I'm afraid we're already beyond the yuppie beverage stage,

What if Judge Stone released the ambassador?

Then we might be able to sweep it all under the rug without incident.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Yes, right.

DEFCON 3.

Keep saying that.

What the hell is DEFCON 3?

I'm not sure, but I know it's worse than 4.

Congratulations, Judge Stone. You have upset an entire foreign nation. A

nation with a nuclear warhead.

Hold on.

Rogash is a country of what, maybe 13 people?

Where did they get a nuclear warhead?

Well, it was kind of a gift.

Hey, you think people just let you come into their country and listen for

nothing? So you gave them a nuclear warhead?

You should see the lovely fruit baskets they sent us.

Yes, Mr.

Prosecutor.

Sylvester did eat poor Tweety Bird.

And Dutch here scarfed down Sylvester.

But I believe it was justifiable homicide.

Dutch was Tweety's legal guardian.

And he was just doing his job.

Case dismissed.

You lose again, Fielding.

Nine in a row.

Shutout City.

We'll have a five -minute recess.

And remember, on the papers, please.

Here. This one tried to make a run for it.

Would have made a clean break if he hadn't left some evidence on the fourth

floor.

Hi, Dan.

Okay, so now you know.

Pretty pathetic, isn't it?

Go ahead.

Take your best shot. Do I look a little dog -tired?

Have I made any good flea bargains lately?

Do you have a bone to pick with me?

Relax. I'm not here to give you grief.

I am so humiliated, Ross.

Oh, damn.

Touch yourself some slack.

You've been through a lot.

Two weeks ago, you were the one with the mange. Now it's your clients who have

it.

Yeah, I guess.

The point is, you're back.

You're working again.

You could have been fired altogether, but you're getting a chance to start

Maybe you're right.

This is a good place to get my feet wet.

Up to your ankles.

I gotta go.

Thanks, Ross.

Listen, Ross, would you just do me one favor?

Not a word.

Yeah, okay, great, thank you.

Strico is on his way up, sir.

So what you gonna do?

I'm working on something.

Harry, I don't think you can hold the ambassador any longer without

your ethic.

Well, I think the more ethical choice may be to keep this sorry waste of chest

hair locked up.

Ms. Mannix, I get the impression that if you had your way, there'd be no men at

all in the new world.

Except for the auto mechanics and the sperm donors.

Harry, Christine's right. You really can't hold Strico legally.

I know, you're both right.

So I'm gonna let him go.

Call it.

People versus street gold.

What happened to your arm?

Burn it when I accidentally lit my paycheck on fire.

That's what I get for endorsing it on the hot plate.

I demand to know why you are still holding me.

I'm not anymore.

I'm setting you free.

Well, it's about time.

One more minute and I would have released the missiles.

You gave the missiles too?

It was Christmas.

You are free to go, Mr. Ambassador.

Straight to the nearest airport.

What are you talking about?

Well, since our two countries are now at war, I am within my power to initiate

deportation proceedings.

Bon voyage, amigo.

You cannot deport me.

There's nothing to do in Rogash but listen to the Swiss.

Tough break.

Judge, I cannot leave New York now. I'm in escrow in a townhouse.

Sorry.

But Rogash has no shopping, no good Chinese takeout, no... no

Playboy channel.

Gee, that is too bad. You know, I suppose I could stop the deportation

certain circumstances.

Anything, anything. What?

Well, personally, I'm still waiting to hear two little words.

Kiss me?

No.

I surrender.

Oh, okay, I surrender.

It's not quite that simple, Mr. Ambassador.

There are terms to the surrender.

Terms? Yes.

From this point on, you will respect the laws of this country and its people.

If you do not...

You will waive your immunity. I have taken the liberty of drawing up a

And if I don't sign?

Then you're going to be listening to an awful lot of yodeling.

You're out of here.

Mr.

Ambassador, one more thing.

We Americans do not like being taken for granted.

We've worked hard to get where we are. We're tough and we're proud.

And we don't like to be stood up.

All of a sudden, I'm itching and sneezing? I only do that when I'm around

Well, knowing the cafeteria, maybe you ought to check that sandwich.

Well, I think I've finally broken your streak of bad luck.

Oh? Also, I managed to find four people to send out those chain letters.

And three of them did it of their own free will.

Good for you, Bull.

Your Honor.

Oh, Dan?

This is Claudia Mannix. She's been pinch -hitting for you for a couple of weeks.

And making so many friends.

Nice to meet you.

Spare me.

Anyway, as of this afternoon, your old position is available.

You won't be prosecuting anymore?

No, I'm still putting the scum away. They're just better dressed.

I've been bumped up to the Court of Appeals.

You've been promoted?

After only two weeks?

I'm sure you're due. How many weeks have you been here?

Seven. Yes.

Eight years.

Nine. Ditto.

I'm feeling pretty good. I've only been here six years.

Two weeks, that's 14 days.

What can I say? They like my personality.

So long, lifers.

Oh, come on, guys.

We're still here because our work is important and it's rewarding.

And we get to sleep in every day.

Mr. Bullshannon?

That's me.

Need a signature.

You have just won a million dollar sweepstakes.

A million dollars?

Think of the horrible taxes.

Damn your bad luck.

Will it never end?