Original subtitles

Previously on Night Court... Yet another win for the prostitution!

Boy, it's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Oscar's giving me the creeps. He gives me the crawls. He gives me the lust

bumps.

Matt, I'm telling you, Christine is head over heels in love with me.

And you?

Well, I love her, of course, but I'm not in love with her.

Rod, it's worse than I thought.

Harriet head over heels in love with me.

Frank Pepitone, DA investigator.

I'm working on the fielding disappearance.

Oh, don't bother. He's already disappeared.

A warrant for his arrest?

What's the charge?

Embezzlement, fraud, and grand larceny to the sweet tune of 10 .2 mil.

Oh, yes, poor Dan.

Most of his friends think he's guilty.

What am I laughing at? I'm dead.

No, I'm not.

Now, I am the phantom of the courthouse.

The lovely Christine.

The time of the phantom is here.

The phantom's court is now in session.

Christine? Christine!

Where are you?

Dan!

So, Lizette.

What's new?

Are you kidding?

Haven't you seen the paper?

Paisley's back, and Cirque has it.

I've had enough of your excuses. We have to find Christine Sullivan.

Look, Lisette, about last night... The mask ball?

Yeah. Well, you see, most of my first dates end in a restraining order.

So, before you have a chance to dump me...

Anything? Sorry, Harry, nothing new to report on Christine.

Oh, Mac, it's all my fault.

And just when I was ready to tell her the truth.

You never told her how you really feel?

Now she's missing and she may never know.

She may never know what?

Uh, the, uh, the real words to Louie Louie.

You guys find out anything?

Well, we searched every lady's room in the entire building.

All we found was a can of hairspray, three combs, and a pair of jockey

Wait a minute. I just thought of something.

Christine's missing.

Dan's missing.

Coincidence?

I think not.

It's a common thread.

Well, they worked side by side for seven years.

No.

Their offices are right next to each other. No.

You're missing the obvious.

Dan and Christine share the same Chinese hand laundry on 13th Street.

If I were investigating this case, I'd begin questioning one Mr. Wing Tip.

That's why you're not investigating this case, lamp post.

Inspector Pepitone.

Judge Stone.

I happen to know who the phantom is.

It's Wing Tip, isn't it?

No.

It's Dan Fielding. You gotta be kidding. Dan?

Why would you think that?

Deductive reasoning.

And because the Phantom dropped this wallet.

American Express. Dan Fielding. MasterCard. Dan Fielding. Video Vixen's

Sebastian's thighs.

Too bad. One more punch and he would have gotten a free video and an

date.

How does this link him to the Phantom?

Simple.

Uh -oh.

He drew a mask on his driver's license plate.

Wait a minute, you guys.

I know Dan like I know me.

There's no way he's the Phantom.

I prepared your breakfast.

Crackers and Clamato juice.

I don't want crackers.

I don't want Clamato juice. I told you all night, I just want to go home.

It's Clamato juice.

I told you all night, you can't. We've got too many things to do.

Okay, what are we going to do? Gather string?

It's not nice to mock the Phantom.

Dan!

Okay.

Your job is to defend the evildoers. Oh, anyone particular in mind?

Yes, Will Sanders.

The evil man who destroyed the Phil Foundation.

Now, here's the plan. In absentia, we will prosecute Will. You'll put up a

terrific argument in his defense, but at the end, I'll win.

Pretty sure of yourself.

Don't forget to mention I'm the judge, too.

Okay.

Okay.

Enough is enough.

Much as I would love to say I have a two o 'clock appointment with reality.

See ya.

You'll find it locked.

And I have the key.

Hidden in a secret place.

Dan Fielding, if this is all an elaborate plan to get me to search

pants, I will never forgive you.

You see, get your mind out of the sewer.

We are in the sewer.

No, actually, we're in the sub -sub -basement. The sewer's above us.

Dan, you need help.

You're right.

Help me with this.

that picture? One of these tunnels leads right to a photo mat.

This is crazy.

No, Christine.

This is my new reality.

Now, I gave. I cared. I changed.

What did it get me? I ain't being hunted like a wild animal. So don't call me

crazy.

A little defensive, maybe.

Please, enough of this chit -chat. Let us get on with the first case.

Dan, I insist you stop this foolishness and come with me. No.

I'm a wanted man, remember?

Besides, I like it down here. When I sing doo -wop, there's a great echo.

Dan, I'm begging you.

Please, let me go.

You can't help down here. The only change you can make is up there.

Come on.

Let's go.

No, Christine.

My destiny lies down here now, amongst the shadows and the rats.

Go, fair Christine, go.

You'll find the key in my pants.

Dan!

The pair hanging by the door.

Well, let me know if you hear anything. Thank you.

Knock, knock.

What can I do for you, Counselor?

Well, Your Honor, I'm considering getting Lizette a little tipsy after

driving her to Maryland, and getting married before the buzz wears off.

What do you think?

A ripple wine or a malt liquor?

You can't do that.

Why not? My father did it to my mother. It's a family tradition, Harry.

Go away and don't call me Harry.

What a day.

Sure was.

Christine! Harry.

Oh. Oh.

I thought I'd never see you again and you're back.

I'm back forever.

you so much. I missed you so much, too. I had a lot of time to think about us. I

had a lot of time to think about us, too. And?

I want to be just friends. I don't want to be your girlfriend.

Oh, Christine, you've made me the happiest man in the world.

I don't want to be your boyfriend.

What could we have been thinking?

I don't know. I guess we were just young and foolish.

Christine, I like you.

like you.

Excuse me, Your Honor. We were going to get some of my ocean food. Hey, look,

everybody. Blondie's back.

Oh, hi.

So where the hell have you been?

In hell with Dan.

She never thought to look there.

Guys, he really needs our help. He's the Phantom.

I've been in his lair.

His lair? What are you talking about? It's in the sub -sub -basement. Come on,

we don't have any time to lose.

Lizette, listen, no matter what happens tonight, promise me you won't drive to

Maryland.

The sub -sub -basement, huh?

Thanks, Blondie.

Okay, Macaroon, what's next in our cavalcade of justice?

I think you'll like, sir.

People versus Smith. Breaking and entering and stealing from good,

people.

Prosecution?

Guilty as sin, Your Honor.

Unless the able defense attorney has some evidence that we don't know about.

Your Honor.

I find the defendant...

Totally defenseless and yield to the wise and devastatingly handsome

I knew it.

I knew she always had the hots for Dan.

Dan, the hot?

You're the one standing next to the furnace.

Try to keep up, did we?

Okay.

focus, people.

Mr. Smith, I have no choice but to find you guilty and charge you with the usual

$50 in time served and death by firing squad.

Dan.

How'd you do that?

Dan, we're here to help you.

They must have followed us.

Good guess, buttercup.

Now Fielding is headed straight for the Hooskow.

Great to have you back, Dan.

So, what do you say after session we take a little drive to Maryland?

You, me, and a bottle of peppermint schnapps.

Is the next case what I think it is? Yeah.

People versus Daniel Fielding. Embezzlement, fraud, and grand larceny.

Prosecution? Your Honor, everybody's All -American here stole

10 .2 million simoleons from the Phil Foundation.

The people want...

my case.

I'd like to rest my knuckles on your face, you little troll.

Defense. Your Honor, my client pleads temporary insanity due to the obvious

reasons.

But why?

I think he looks good dressed as the Phantom.

Wait a minute. Hold it. Your Honor, um, I would like to withdraw the plea of

temporary insanity. I'm not insane. I never was insane.

I'm guilty.

Dan, you're pleading guilty?

Held over for sentencing.

Bull, take the prisoner to holding.

Okay, this is my final offer.

The schnapps, a pizza, and a Series E savings bond.

the inner crevices of my cranium.

I'm guilty, Bull.

Fire away.

Rats, you called my bluff.

Come on, let's sit down.

I just want to let you know that I really appreciate the faith you have in

At this moment, it means a lot.

If it means so much to you, why don't you tell me the truth?

I think I deserve it.

You're right. You do.

The truth is, I didn't steal a dime.

Then why do you want to go to jail?

Because a piano fell on a bum named Phil.

Well, that wasn't your fault, Dan.

No, I know it, but if Phil hadn't died, I could have gone on living my life my

way.

I wouldn't have had to bother with feeding the poor, clothing the naked,

others before me.

But you're not guilty.

I am guilty.

Phil put his trust in me, and I blew it.

I deserve to be punished.

Then I'm going to prison with you.

My dear friend, you don't have to do that.

Oh, yes, I do.

I lost the key to the cops.

I've got a key.

We heard the whole thing.

Pretty doofy, huh?

Some of it.

Why the costume?

Well, I thought it would be dramatic.

Why the phantom?

What, I'm going to scare somebody dressed like Miss Saigon, right?

Would have scared me.

Dan, this is all very simple.

You're the victim. You didn't steal anything from anybody.

Change your plea to not guilty.

We'll get you some psychiatric counseling and you'll be good as new.

Thank you, little Harry Sunshine.

No. It's jail time.

Why? Because I'd let everyone down.

That money was for the needy. It never got to them because of me.

I had a responsibility. I blew it.

Now I'll spend a lot of time in a cell with a guy named Bobo to think about it.

Hey, wait a minute. What is it? You'll not serve a minute, my friend.

You're a good man with a good heart. Come with me.

Mac, hit the light. Oh.

You know, you're going to get hurt doing that.

Whoops. Hey, everyone, have you heard?

Fielding has escaped.

Fielding, you.

You're under arrest again.

Hey, wait a minute.

Fielding, Phantom, Fielding.

What's going on here?

I'd love to explain, Inspector, but the second phantom really throws me.

Maybe I could help.

Will?

Kill! Wait, Dan, wait!

Let me try to explain this whole thing.

When I first met this man, he had sucker written all over him. Well, thanks for

straightening that out.

Now prepare to die!

Yes! I had a simple plan for gaining his confidence by sharing in his do

-gooding mumbo -jumbo.

So you took the money. It was easy.

I wrote myself a check for 10 .2 million and exited stage left.

And, as always, they returned to the scene of the crime. Only because...

Some of Dan's mumbo -jumbo really touched my heart.

I'm sorry, Dan.

Well, Fielding, it looks like you're a free man.

Will Sanders, you're under arrest.

No, Dan, one other piece of unfinished business.

The money, it's all here.

Matter of fact, it's half a million more. I invested it in a high -interest

account.

What can I say?

I've got a knack.

Well, you can take me away, Inspector.

Wait.

Will, I touched your heart. I made a difference in your life.

I've returned, haven't I?

Inspector, release that man.

I'm not pressing any charges.

Judge, you gave back the money. I'd say you don't have a case.

Well...

Maybe this gumshoe racket isn't for me.

I've always had a hankering to go out west and sell patio furniture.

Harry, take this check. I'm no good at the do -gooding.

No, I wouldn't be too sure of that.

No, please, here, you're a judge. Find a court that'll appoint a new head to the

Phil Foundation.

I want to go clean up and take about a two -week nap.

Keep the faith, baby.

Look, Dan.

I don't want to lead a selfish life.

I wish to serve humanity.

That's very noble.

You can start by drawing my bath.

Bubble?

I got two tickets for the team table tennis tournament tonight.

You want to go?

Team table tennis?

That sounds really boring.

Since we're not dating anymore, I can say no, so no.

Isn't it great being friends again? We can say no.

Your Honor, it's with deep regrets I tender my resignation as your

attorney.

Oh? You are looking at the new court -appointed executor of the Phil

Yeah, it's a perfect job for me.

Suffering is my middle name.

Oh, wait up, Lisette. I'll hold the elevator for you.

Sturdy gal.

She'll make a great breeder.