Original subtitles

Well, I'm telling you, that was the best graduation I've ever been to. Oh, Mac,

we're so proud of you. Well, thank you.

You better believe it. It was no small accomplishment being valedictorian,

president, and voted most likely to get a day job.

Well, I think the greatest thing is that you're going on to law school.

Oh, Mac.

Watch out.

There's always some professor who will send you to the law library to look up

United States versus Ben Dover.

The oldest trick in the world. Nobody ever falls for that.

Well, I did find a Dave Dover.

Well, Raj, I take it you enjoyed the graduation.

Pretty much.

Except I hate it when they throw their caps in the air.

My gut instinct is to shoot at them.

Matt, I don't want to toot my own horn. horn but i'd like to think that you're

watching me defend the downtrodden day in and out might have inspired you to go

on to law school oh yeah sure well

let's not forget that before mac met me he couldn't tell his torts from his

briefs i hate to burst both your bubbles but mac's inspiration for law school

was little old me

I told him he was as smart as anybody in this whole place.

I mean, if you people can do it, then... Oh, let's have some cheese balls.

Well, I can't thank you guys enough. This is one heck of a shindig.

Well, it was our pleasure. We're all real happy to do it.

Plus, my share only came to five bucks.

That was more than Dan Fielding kicked in. He didn't even come to the

graduation.

Oh, he's probably by himself somewhere.

Ever since Phil died, he's gotten moodier, stranger, and real depressed.

Greetings! Salutation!

My fellow birthmakers.

Les, les, les, bon temps!

Congratulations,

Mac. Thank you.

Like I said, the image of despair.

And what do we owe this midweek mood swing?

A breakthrough.

I'm finally over Phil's death.

You are?

Uh -huh.

You know what I realized was that...

I missed his companionship, his loyalty, the way he'd sell his blood to pay for

my dry cleaning.

I missed a lot, but no more.

So I would like you all to meet my new Phil, Jerome.

Forgive my intrusion. I just wanted to say that I expect I shall be enormously

elated at getting to know each and every one of Master Fielding's peers.

My, my.

Jerome, I don't think those brush off.

We'll call the defendant guilty.

$50.

Wait a minute.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

If your worship pleases, what we think we're doing is misting a rather nasty

crease out of some very fickle silk.

Have I got a gem here or what?

What you've got is a contempt charge, Counselor. Unless you say goodbye to Mr.

Chips here pronto.

I'm sorry, Jerome, you're going to have to leave. Don't think anything of it,

sir. I'll just pop by your office and buff your credenza.

Sounds kinky.

All right, that's lunch.

Oh, miss, excuse me. Perhaps you could help me.

I'm Benjamin Franklin Welch.

Yes, last time I looked.

Justice Welch, I have read every one of your books.

Every article you ever wrote for the Law Review, every itsy -bitsy thing you've

ever written.

Itsy -bitsy. You must be Miss Sullivan.

I knew it. I knew it. You're here to see me? I'm so honored.

Oh, bless your heart. No, actually, I am not here to see you. Of course not. You

must be here to see me, Justice Welch. It's a pleasure to have you here in my

courtroom. Judge Mary T. Stone, you may recall that last year we shared a table

together at the Bar Association Banquet?

Yes, I do.

It's hard to forget somebody who can make napkin rabbits and pull silver

out of my wife's ears.

Very sophisticated, sir.

You try it.

What can I do for you, Justice?

Well, actually, nothing. I'm looking for Macintosh Robinson.

Macintosh? My Mac?

Mm -hmm. Well, he's not your Mac, sir. Well, he works for me.

Well, he's closer to me. Yeah, but I know him better. Well, obviously not

enough to know his real name.

She has a point. I always thought Mac was short for macadamia.

Harry? Harry, are you busy?

No, come on in.

Macintosh.

Hey, what can I say? I was the apple of my mother's eye.

Yeah, I bet.

So, uh, you got something you want to talk about? Oh, no, no, no. I just

I'd say hi.

Justice Welch offered me a job! Yes!

Oh, Matt, congratulations.

I knew something was up. Oh, you did? How? Well, you were acting pretty goofy

the session tonight.

You did call that one case people versus job of a lifetime?

Harry, can you believe it?

We are talking the state Supreme Court.

Benjamin Franklin Welch wants me as a clerk.

He is a very powerful guy.

And he's nice.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

He knew all about my grades and my work here.

And he's pretty funny for a justice.

Kind of reminds me of you if you were grown up.

So what are you going to do?

I don't know.

I mean, it's good money.

More responsibilities.

Hey, but you know... Hey, wait. It's just an ego thing?

Yeah.

It was nice to be asked, but that's where it ends.

Yeah? Yeah.

Well, I see your point.

I mean, you got a great locker here.

Oh, the best. Right next to the gum machine. Yeah. Yeah.

And you got the cafeteria menu memorized?

Tapioca pudding, 55 cents. That's right. Yeah.

You really want this job, don't you?

With every fiber of my being.

Oh, Mac, I knew this day would come.

I've dreaded it, but I knew that eventually I would say these words.

Take the job!

Well, Harry, man, you know you're making this awfully easy on me.

But I'm just not sure.

Are you ready for court, sir? We've got a full docket ahead of us. Bar fights, a

couple of hookers, and a guy who jaywalked in his underwear.

What a night!

I'll be taking that job now.

You know, is that what, Kim? The prisoners are backing up. I can't find

anything. Where the hell is that temporary clerk?

Mr. Kimmel? He stepped out for a moment, sir.

He said something about his bladder not having any allegiance to his brain.

There you go.

Next case.

I think.

You think?

Mr. Kimmel, maybe you could focus a little more on the job at hand?

Here's a newsflash for you, Judge Whippersnapper.

I retire in exactly four days, three hours, and eight minutes.

Mentally, I'm already playing the nickel slots in Atlantic City.

Let's call the case, would you please?

People versus... Corporal.

Uh, Your Honor, that was the flasher you sentenced an hour ago. That's the wrong

case. See?

I told you I wasn't sure.

Okay, we'll take a break while we try to sort through this mess.

Yo, valet.

You're not supposed to come in that door.

Master Fielding informed me that I might enter wherever it was most expedient.

And I think he has jurisdiction over you.

Listen up, you umbrella jockey.

I am the queen of security around here, and if you come in that door again, I'll

put you in holding. And let me assure you, Britannia doesn't rule down there.

Excuse me, sir.

Time for our mid -evening cologne?

Oh, uh, Jerome, I'm really swamped right now. Maybe later, okay?

I beg your pardon, but we don't want to become as piquant as those with whom we

work, do we, sir?

All right, fine. Go ahead.

Isn't that better, sir?

Yes, it's great.

One other thing, sir. Your calendar reads today as Brenda's birthday.

Brenda? The one you referred to as having a physique that would never

I said she had a body that just won't quit.

How very colloquial, sir.

I took the liberty of sending flowers and signing your name.

My real name? What if her husband sees it? I, of course, find your nom de

Lance Goodthrust.

Jerome, that was supposed to be a secret.

And besides, I could have handled it myself.

Perhaps. But we know how we are about details, don't we, sir?

Trouble in paradise, Lance?

The guy's perfect.

He caters to my every need.

Do you know he even blow -dries my underwear so they're toasty when I put

on?

But for some reason, he's not making me happy at all.

Well, one possibility is that pampering just isn't what you need.

Nah, can't be it.

Maybe I'm just crazy.

Even better possibility.

Mr. Kimmel!

He stepped out again.

Why don't I just read the next case? Fine. Anything. Just get us started.

Ah!

You have quite a view from up here, sir.

Looks like a colony of ants down there.

Miss Hochheiser, we're not that high up.

No, sir. The lance. There's a bunch of them carrying a raisin across your desk.

Well, that's swell, Lisette. You just adjourned court.

That means I'm on a break.

He says, $20, same as in town.

Justice Welch.

Ah, call me Ben, Judd Stone.

I hope you're not mad that I took away your best clerk.

Well, not if you're not mad that I let the air out of your tires.

Tell me.

How's Mac doing?

Oh, top notch.

Top notch.

And that, I think, is a credit to you, too.

Well, thank you.

If you're here to pilfer any more of my staff, maybe I can interest you in a

ditzy stenographer.

Some other time.

Now, I've got a meeting here in the building with my campaign entrees.

Oh, is it election time again already?

It's still a little ways off.

But since my district was reapportioned, heck of a lot of new voters out there.

don't yet know what a swell guy I am.

That's right.

You were reapportioned. Yeah.

Yeah, well, I'm sure the new voters will like you as much as we do.

Well, if not, I've got some public relations people who will help them to

the light. I gotta run.

Yeah.

Say hi to Mac.

Oh, I'll do that.

for the answer to yesterday's jumble puzzle at poodle.

Thanks. No, I thought I saw an article this morning about the new voting

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

damn. What's wrong?

Well, I was just talking to Justice Wells.

Oh, were you pulling coins out of his ears?

Kiss up.

No, I just ran into him. He said something that didn't sit right with me,

now I know why. Look.

With reapportionment, his new constituency is going to be over 50 %

Hispanic.

Oh, Harry, you don't think he's confusing Mac for political motives, do

Well, stranger things have happened.

You're not going to tell Mac, are you?

Why? And ruin his dream job?

No way.

Butting in is not my style.

Knock, knock.

Come in.

No, you're supposed to say, who's there?

They got you deprogrammed already?

Hey, Larry.

Wow, look at this place.

So this is what a state Supreme Court justice gets, huh? This is what his

get. You like it?

Wow. I call it Robinson Acres.

Oh, look at this. All I got was a Mr. Coffee. You got a Mr.

Stereo, Mr.

Humidifier, Mr.

Air Conditioner, Mr.

Fax Machine.

Don't forget Ms. Secretary.

Yeah.

See that button there?

Yeah. All I do is press it, and my own real -life secretary comes right in.

I pushed it twice today just for the heck of it.

You look great.

Well, I feel great.

I'm fitting right in.

Harry, I made the right decision.

Anyone can see how happy you are. Mm -hmm.

I gotta go.

Hey, wait, whoa, whoa, what's the rush? Stay for a while. Hey, Harry.

I'll let you push my secretary button.

No, I hate to interrupt a man when he's alone with his appliances.

I'll catch you later.

Hang on, man.

What's on your mind?

Okay, there is something.

I don't want to alarm you, but have you noticed anything unusual

about Welch's new voting district?

You mean the 50 square blocks of minority voters?

Well, see, there's these 50 square blocks.

You know?

Uh -huh.

And you thought that maybe he was going to use me to try to cuddle up to the

voters. Well, you can relax.

Crossed my mind, too.

So what do you think?

Well, I think the guy's straight on. I mean, there's nothing in my job

description that hangs on my being black.

Knock that. Yeah. This conversation never happened. Okay. Okay, I'm going to

head back to my little hovel.

I'm sure there's some sidewalk spitting incident that demands my attention.

Hello,

Judge Stone. Come to see how the better half of the world is.

It's pretty high, it seems.

Well, I'm out of here. May your docket be short and your bench be soft, and may

the wind stay beneath your robe.

You're out of the way with words, that young man.

I wish he'd get a haircut.

Uh, would you want something, sir?

I just dropped in, Mr. Robinson, to tell you what a super job you did

researching those precedents. Oh, well, thank you, sir. Yeah.

How'd you reference them in a computer like that?

Well, it's just a sweet little program I wrote myself. You know, I'll be glad to

install it in our system if you like, sir. Oh, yeah? Yes, sir. Terrific.

Oh, that'll be invaluable.

Uh, listen, Mac.

Oh, yes, sir.

You know, there is something. The Manhattan Afro -American Press is

photographer by later. You know, the usual photos.

Justice Welch hard at work, Justice Welch on the phone.

And I thought you might get a kick out of being in a few of those.

Well, sir, I mean, I'm a little camera shy, and nobody wants to see this old

of mine. I'd rather pass.

Oh, come on. I'd rather you didn't give me a chance to introduce the state to my

new clerk.

Your new black?

Clerk, sir?

Meaning what?

Meaning that when I went to work for Judge Stone, I wasn't even introduced to

the cashier in the cafeteria.

And nobody came and took pictures.

Well, he wasn't campaigning, was he?

Well, let's face it. All of our jobs depend on my getting re -elected. Oh, I

see, sir. So you hired a black guy to help you get re -elected. Oh, no. Oh,

No. I hired you because you're good and because you're experienced.

But let's face it, being black doesn't hurt.

Well, I appreciate your honesty anyway, sir.

Now what are you doing?

I'm packing, sir.

Mac, there is one hell of an opportunity here, and there is no reason to make a

big issue out of this.

Here are two reasons, sir.

My wife and my little girl.

You see, every morning they look across the breakfast table and they see a man

who goes to work who cares about what he does and who he is.

If I stay here, they'll be seeing somebody else.

You understand?

No.

No, I do not understand.

You've got it all here.

Mac, you walk out that door, you're throwing away an awful lot.

Oh, no, sir.

If I walk out that door, I'll be keeping much more than you know.

You don't usually go into the broom closet alone, Dan. Are we switching

perversions in midstream?

Don't tell him I'm in here.

So Rome, everywhere I turn, he's there cleaning me or whisking me, polishing my

pocket change.

I've created a monster.

Then just fire the jerk.

I can't. He intimidates me. That accent gives me the chills.

Is that you?

There it is again. Don't tell him I'm in here.

Get out here, Dale.

No, Ross, no. Just... Just do it.

I can't. Well, well, well. So we've been mucking about in the broom closet, have

we? As if it were not enough that your shirt pockets reek with crushed breast

mints and that your collars are besmirched with greasy lipstick, now

become sooty and dirty like an ordinary little street beggar.

Like what?

An ordinary street beggar, sir, like that Phil Urchin of whom you were so

You listen to me, you snotty, sniveling tea swiller.

I have had it with your pushing and your primping and your pretensions.

And, by the by, I have known ordinary street beggars who are head and

above you.

That's because you're a lowbrow commoner.

I should have sensed it when I first saw your Michelle Pfeiffer shower squeegee.

lot, you know, you snob.

That's a collectible.

You are a pathetic pissant, and I resign.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh, you forgot your severance pay.

You have soiled me, you maniac.

You need a psychiatrist.

I don't need a psychiatrist.

I need a bum.

A smudgy, smelly, sweet little bum.

Dan, I miss you. Phil.

We all do, Dan.

Phil was one of a kind.

And when one of a kind goes... I know you can't replace it.

tea and trumpets?

Mr.

Kim, do you suppose that you could bring up more than one file at a time?

Sure.

If you want my hernia on your conscience.

Just call the case, please.

Next case coming right up.

People versus Ashley.