Original subtitles

Mail call.

More people asking for money from the Fuel Foundation.

Gee, Dan, can I open some of those?

The only mail I get is from people studying abnormal psychology.

How come there are so many problems in the world?

Did you realize those people on the street covered in blankets are actually

homeless?

Of course, Dan. What did you think?

I thought they were Indians.

Not very sensitive, Dan.

It was an honest mistake.

Sounds like the Phil Foundation is opening your eyes to reality.

Oh, you bet it is. Never realized there were so many losers out there before.

What are you doing?

Oh, just putting a little distance between myself and the impending

bolt.

Go read your book.

Hey, Jack.

I'm taking the news. Here's a box.

Uh, son, complete the transaction.

Sure, Pop.

Thank you for your patronage. Have a nice day.

I'm afraid you made a small mistake. This is only a quarter. You owe me 50

cents. Son.

Pop, I only did what you told me to do. No, I told you the only one we

shortchange is Fielding.

This is Judge Stone.

Judge Stone, my son, Marty.

Nice to meet you, Marty. Likewise.

I'm bringing Marty into the family business.

He's got a real knack for it.

Isn't he something?

Yeah, he's something.

Okay.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Eric.

Harry, did you have any idea that they're cutting down the rainforest so

they're destroying the world's ecological balance?

Yeah, I knew that.

Everyone knows that, right?

Yeah, of course.

What did somebody tell me?

Because the only balance you're ever interested in is trying to stay on your

waterbed.

This is all so depressing.

Well, maybe this will cheer you up. You got a phone call from someone named

Monique. Oh, jeez, I forgot. She's flying in from Paris tomorrow.

Great. That gives me 24 hours to shelter the homeless, feed the poor, fill my

bathtub with Jell -O.

You think this Monique is part of Dan's charity stuff?

Not unless she's a representative of the American Tart Association.

There you go again, Roz, radiating negativity.

I think it's time for some self -evaluation and self -realization.

We've been talking to our little support group again, haven't we?

How'd you know?

Because it sounds like you just had your brain washed and you can't do a thing

with it.

make fun of me but happy alone healthy adults really helped me work through my

divorce and i think some of their methods would be good for you too in

haha prep came out with a new book i think would work wonders for you

the negative how to release your anger

think she's got that area covered.

Christine, I couldn't help noticing your hair.

Oh, thank you, Lizette.

But, you know, I've learned from my group that a person who offers too many

compliments may be hiding a desperate desire to be loved.

Oh, I didn't say I liked your hair.

I just noticed it.

You've got a spitball stuck in it.

Rough gallery, huh?

Let's cook it.

The Earth.

Have you ever heard of global warming?

Sure. That's what happens when I use my head to test a barbecue.

What are your ones?

Uh, can I have that British stamp when you're done with it?

That'll complete my collection of stamps from countries that call women birds.

Here's your stamp. Go away.

Yes, sir. People versus McCracken.

Shoplifting.

Prosecution. Have you ever heard of global warming?

Yeah.

Proceed. Yeah,

Mr. McCracken was apprehended at a convenience store on 9th Avenue.

Hello?

Oh. What is it, man?

I'm sorry, sir, but it's a call from Miss Sullivan.

Somebody named Barbara.

What's this all about?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but I'm on call with my group crisis hotline. It could be a

matter of life and death.

All right, we will take a short pause while Miss Sullivan administers phone

-phone resuscitation.

Great, I could use the free time to shoulder more of the world's problems.

Okay, Barbara, calm down. Okay, what's the matter?

You're at the supermarket, okay?

Oh, my.

The sweet potatoes remind you of your ex -husband.

Well, just keep moving.

That's it.

Go ahead.

Go on.

Well, don't look at the end of it if it's too painful.

Don't you just love a good vegetable intervention?

Roz, please. I'm reaching out.

You made it to the frozen foods. Oh, good for you.

How do you feel?

Say it.

I'm happy, too.

Bye.

I think I really kept her from going over the edge.

I think we'll all sleep a little better.

Just hope the tater tots don't remind her of her children.

Roz, Roz, Roz. I hear those doors slamming.

That's just my blood pressure slamming against the top of my head.

Okay, let's take a little break. Everyone go to a neutral corner and come

Too bad.

I love a good chick fight.

Hey, son, I gotta go mail these bills. You think you could fly solo for a few

minutes?

Sure, no sweat.

Hey, Jack. Hey, yourself.

Hey, Marty.

Hey, myself.

I'm never gonna get down this snappy patter.

Thanks,

Judge.

Just nerves, you know.

Flying solo, you know.

Everything okay, Marty?

Yeah, I mean, it couldn't be better.

Not really.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

It's personal.

Well, you're the guy that sells me my odor eaters.

Nothing can be more personal than that.

Shoot. I don't think this line of work is for me.

Speaking frankly, Marty, Apart from making change, this line of work ain't

tough.

I'm not complaining.

I mean, it's just that I have this incredible job offer. I mean, it's more

just a job. It's a dream come true.

Really? What is it?

I'd rather not say until it's a sure thing. You know, I don't want to jinx

Yeah, I understand that.

But I don't want to break Pop's heart.

Every Sunday when I was a boy, he'd sit me on his knee and he'd read to me from

O. Henry.

Gift of the Magi.

No, the candy bar.

Read me the ingredients.

Wow. He must really love this business. Exactly. I mean, how can I tell him that

I want to do something else?

Marty, you know, maybe you're underestimating your dad.

He trusts you.

Maybe you should trust him.

Maybe I should.

Hey, Judge Harry, you still here? Yeah, yeah, Marty and I were just chatting,

Jack.

You know, I think Marty has something to tell you.

He can tell me anything he wants.

I'm so happy he's here, I'm walking on air.

Now I can go to the can in the middle of a shift.

Suddenly the world is a very wonderful place.

What is it you want to tell me?

Pop, I...

I hated being in the Cub Scout.

A hundred dollars in time served.

And once again, the streets of Manhattan are safe from crime, at least until

tomorrow.

Uh, Dan, Monique just called from Paris. Says she'll pick you up tomorrow night

after session.

Yeah, well... Dan, that's Monique from Paris.

Ooh la la.

Mac, do you have any idea how many innocent minks it takes to make a coat?

About 210, did it?

And he's been able to sleep at night knowing that?

Uh, Christine?

Yes, Ross?

I wanted to apologize about that brainwashing crack I made earlier.

Oh, that's okay. I know you didn't mean it.

Oh, I meant it. I just shouldn't have said it.

Apology accepted.

Ross, I see in front of me a person I care about and I want to support.

I'm more of a take -care -of -myself kind of woman.

I know, Roz, but sometimes I feel like you're an island.

You never open up to anyone, and it manifests itself in aggression.

I think you could use a support group.

No way. You're not gonna get me yapping to a bunch of wannabe shrinks.

When I'm feeling low, I have my crossbow class.

Okay, Roz, but will you do one thing for me?

A mirror?

What do you want me to do, pluck my eyebrows?

No, Roz.

Everyone in my group carries one of these.

I will stop bugging you about coming to a meeting if you could look in that

mirror and say, I am my own best friend.

Sure. No big deal.

I am... I am... What time does a meeting start?

but the people in this room surrounded me with a giant hug.

You said no touching.

Don't worry, Roz. You're a spectator this evening. You don't have to share if

you don't want to.

You're totally anonymous at this meeting.

Hi, Roz!

What's your problem?

Sedan, where are you going to take Monique tonight?

Well, I was considering the restaurant. on the top of the World Trade Center,

but the view of all that pollution would be too much for me to handle.

How about a romantic stroll through Central Park with a hot dog al fresco?

Are you kidding?

Fool, do you know what they put in hot dogs?

Snouts and hoofs and internal organs.

Gee, I better finish this quick before that sinks in.

Can I let you in on a secret?

Sure, Jack.

I'm expanding.

I'm buying a newsstand in the IRS building.

That sounds like a great idea. You'll probably make your money back on Rolaids

alone.

Marty, you'll love running it.

You're buying the newsstand for Marty?

Yeah, well, it'll eat up my retirement savings. But it's worth every penny.

The kid's a natural salesman.

What the hell was that?

That was, uh, just Marty moving the merchandise.

Unload.

Unload.

didn't you spring yes yes christine that's it exactly abandoned an orphan j

anthony what do you think spring should do with those feelings i think she

should face them marcus the words orphaned and abandoned clearly reveal

she's feeling orphaned and abandoned

Thank you, Jay Anthony.

Thank you, Jay Anthony.

I'm happy.

Roz, isn't this uplifting?

I don't think so. My butt's falling asleep.

Roz, you look anxious.

Is there something you'd like to share?

Just a cab ride home.

Roz, it's your turn to cry.

You keep badgering me and your turn's gonna come before mine.

Roz, if you have something to add, perhaps you'd like to address the whole

group.

Well, if Spring is feeling so lonely in that big old house, why don't you just

get a roommate?

Or a puppy?

Might not be the cure, but it couldn't hurt.

Well, I think Roz has something there.

Please, Christine.

Roz is new.

She's not ready to interface yet.

In your face.

Hey.

Why don't we do our happy exercise?

Good idea.

All right.

Everybody up.

Okay. Now let's empty our minds.

Shouldn't be too tough for this group.

Okay. Now let's shake our bodies free from stress.

I haven't felt this free since Woodstock.

Now, let's all begin focusing on that wall that

you've built in your life.

Christine, why don't we start with you?

Okay.

My wall is a symbol of all the

conflict in my life.

Get to the wall, Christine. Get to the wall.

Oh, brother.

Okay, um, um, it's a stucco wall.

And I've painted it salmon.

sweating now. Do you feel the cleansing process?

Do you feel the rush of relief?

Do you feel the urge to scream and run into traffic?

Major negativity from our guest.

I'm getting a migraine from her vibes.

I'd like to hear about Roz's wall.

I don't have a damn wall.

But I do have a bulldozer and a man to use it.

What a humorous observation. Thank you, Roz.

Come on, Roz.

Describe your bulldozer.

Describe.

Describe. Describe.

It's big and it's bad, and I'm driving it the hell out of here.

Roz, wait.

Please.

I'm sorry, Christine, but this mumbo jumbo isn't for me. It's not mumbo

Okay, it is mumbo jumbo.

But it's good mumbo jumbo.

Ross, when Tony left me, I hit rock bottom. When I needed someone, these

were there.

As stupid as it may seem to you, it really worked for me.

Okay, I must admit that sometimes I do get a little dependent on it and I use

for a crutch.

Christine, why don't you stop looking at the wall and try to hurdle it?

I'll know when it's time to break away.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to underestimate you.

See you at work.

Hi.

Christine.

We've made a decision.

Stay away from Roz.

Her negativity is destroying you.

But she's my best friend.

You're your own best friend.

For what?

For you to blow it out your shorts.

Goodbye, everyone.

Oh, and by the way, I'm still happy.

I asked you two guys in here because you need to talk to each other about

Marty's plans, his desires.

Desires?

You're not gay, are you?

Yeah, that's it.

Let's go back to the stand.

Marty, what did you tell me about your father's business?

I love Pop's business.

I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

What about your dreams, Marty?

Dreams?

Marty, your father's about to spend his life savings to buy you a newsstand.

Now tell him.

Oh, Pop, don't waste your money.

Uncle Leo called from Florida.

Cousin Nick's quitting the business.

There's finally an opening.

No.

But it's a dream job, Jack. A dream job. No.

But, Pop, five generations have walked this road before me. That's no way to

make a living. No, absolutely not. It's too shaky.

Five generations, Jack. How shaky can it be?

How shaky can it be?

Kid wants to be a human cannonball.

You should support him in his dream. A human cannonball!

You know how badly I've always wanted to be in the family business? No, no,

that's your mother's family, not mine.

Those damn flying fanuchis.

You want to be shot out of a cannon? What the hell are you, nuts?

I know how important the stand is to you, and if you want me to stay, I will.

But I need the bright lights. The smell of the gunpowder.

The concussion under my feet.

Oh, man, this is weird.

Jack, I had no idea.

It's in my blood.

Yeah, which is going to be splattered all over the ground.

Wait.

I understand.

I remember the day I met your mother.

She was traveling with the Ringling brothers.

She shot out of that cannon, sailed across the arena.

Missed the net and landed in my lap.

It was magic.

But I never wanted you mixing with those circus people.

But it's all I ever wanted.

Please, Pop, give me your blessing.

Marty, Marty, Marty, listen to your father. You want to have your face

into the dirt from 300 feet?

Harry, Harry.

He's heard the calling. What can I do?

Come on, son.

I'll buy you a helmet.

Oh, I gotta stay out of these family things.

That's it for tonight, folks.

But tune in tomorrow for our next steaming episode of As the Gavel Pound.

Somebody to see you, Dave.

Oh, please, no more.

I've got the rainforests here, the endangered species here, the homeless

hungry here. I don't have room for anything else.

Not even for me?

Oh, Monique. Hello, Daniel. I'm here.

Shall we start with dinner at Elaine's?

Oh.

Monique, do you realize that the cost of that expensive meal could feed an

entire village in Bangladesh?

And the cab right there would only add to the pollution level that's choking

atmosphere, depleting our ozone layer. Not to mention the garbage that the meal

itself would create.

Bags and bags of non -biodegradable plastic that'll exist in our landfills

50 ,000 years.

Not that the planet will be around that long.

Wait, no, Monique, Monique, Monique. I'm sorry, please.

It's not me.

Hey, Rod.

Busy? You want to hang out?

Don't you have other people to hang out with?

No, I just hurtled my wall and I'm heading in a new direction.

Oh. Which way are you heading?

I thought maybe that New Age pool hall down on 14th Street.

All right, you break.