Original subtitles

Something funny, Rod?

These personal ads crack me up. Listen to this one.

Financially strapped vegetarian dermatologist looking for wart -free

has salary and celery.

Takes all kinds, doesn't it?

All kinds of losers.

Why are these guys pleading for women in print when they can just hit on their

co -workers, huh?

This may surprise you, Dan, but not everybody views their job as a base for

nocturnal nasties.

Underachievers.

How, Dan?

Advertising in the personal is a very 90s approach to dating.

They say you can meet some really nice people.

Take this guy, for instance.

Tall, 40, interested in art, music, poetry, sailing.

SWBSMS. Huh.

I wonder what that means.

Single, white, bisexual, male, swinger.

Okay, well, maybe he's not my cup of tea, but he might be perfect for some

lovely couple.

Someone who turns his nose up at these ads, you sure seem to know your way

around them.

They're, um, they're right next to the classifieds.

I may have accidentally read one or two while looking for a good used space

heater.

Yeah, and I know in the space you're hoping to heat.

Please.

Most of these ads are lies anyway. Look.

The learned eye can read between the lines.

Look, for instance, this one.

Even -tempered, fun -loving woman. That means she's pudgy.

Outdoorsy woman with a zest for the good life.

Flaborama.

Vivacious gal loves big band music and dining out. Ladies and gentlemen, the

Goodyear blimp.

Well, at least I know. I don't know. have to look for love in the personal

columns. Did I mention that I'm moving in with Margaret this week? Yeah,

pretty scary.

First time I ever shared a sock drawer with someone.

Ah, romance, thy name is Harry.

But you know the best part? I know that every night I'm going to be with the

same woman.

What's the worst part?

Oh, knock it off, Dan. I think it's sweet.

Hey, listen to this ad.

Honest, loyal public servant.

Big, bald, and clumsy.

Seeking petite woman who likes blue cheese, driver's ed movies, and the

pokey.

You don't think I made myself sound too glamorous, do you?

Well, why did you take out an ad?

When Mama was here, she told me to find a nice gal and settle down.

So I figured I'd better look somewhere else, because all I meet at work are

sluts and lawyers.

Hello.

I'm Dr. George Brothers.

Is this you?

It sure is.

Well, I read your ad and I got here as soon as I could.

Wow. You want to date me?

No, I want to help you.

Your Honor, neighbors near the Kirschbaum's apartment were complaining

and bells, and Mrs. Kirschbaum screaming, Oh, fireman, put out my fire,

Oh, baby, put out my fire.

Your Honor, my clients were merely enacting a little playlet designed to

their marriage.

Miss Sullivan, Shakespeare wrote 37 plays and never once had to resort to a

naked man in the hallway blowing smoke in under the door.

Let's make a $200 fine and bring the curtain down on this one, huh?

Uh, Mac!

Yeah. Mac, old buddy. Yes, sir.

As you may know, I'm moving in with Margaret Friday night after session.

Oh, we all know, sir.

It's kind of a milestone around here.

Yeah. Anyway, I could really use a hand moving.

Oh, come on, Mac. I only have a few items.

And they're all heavy, aren't they, sir?

You get rid of the baking soda and my refrigerator is light as a feather.

Oh, I'm sorry. You know, I just recall I promised Quan Lee I'd fix our bread box

Friday night.

I mean, the door really squeaks.

Drives her nuts when she makes toast.

All of that?

Now, I'm moving in with Margaret.

Oh, and I'd love to help, sir. I just have this bruised disc thingy that's

acting up again.

No, no, no. I didn't want you to help me move anything. It's just that I have a

couple of items that I don't think are going to fit in at Margaret's, and I

thought maybe you'd keep something at your apartment. Oh.

Sure. Like what?

Like life -size stuffed bear?

Polar? No, grizzly.

Oh, sorry, sir.

Grizzly would clash with my couch.

My, my, my.

Classic scenario.

Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl. Girl makes boy get rid of all of his good

Not all my stuff, Dan. It's just a few items that would clash with Margaret's

decor.

A painting, a quilt, a guillotine.

Harry, Harry, Harry, please, look, don't start out this cohabitation thing by

giving in to all of Margaret's demands.

You are going to lose what slim masculinity she's allowed you to keep.

Oh, that's right, sir. Take advice from a man whose relationships last as long

as ice sculptures.

Stop, if you will.

The next thing you know, she's going to start choosing your friends.

She already has, Dan.

Bye.

See, that's breath mint, talcum powder, deodorant, and

shaving cream.

My friend, instinct tells me you are making a foray into that wonderful world

women.

Yep, it's time this big rolling stone gathered some moss.

That would be minoxidil.

Hey, Paul.

Any luck with your personal eye?

I met one woman who didn't care for me and another one who didn't like me.

Hey, what happened with Dr. Joyce's brother?

All she wanted was sex.

Do you think I could be the problem, Christine?

I mean, you may not have noticed, but I'm a little strange.

Strange? Oh, no, bull. I wouldn't say strange.

Maybe a tad eccentric, maybe a little off the beaten path, but strange?

Yeah, yeah, I guess strange.

Really?

But in a nice way. You're also sweet and sensitive and considerate.

Gosh, Christine, thanks.

You've convinced me to keep my appointment with a matchmaker tonight.

A matchmaker?

Well, she's got lots to work with.

Christine, you're a lily pad in a pond full of sludge.

My, how that man can sweet -talk.

This registered letter just came for you.

Oh, thank you.

Aren't you going to open it?

Oh, no.

I know what it is. It's my final divorce papers.

I'm supposed to sign them and send them back.

Once I do, that's it.

Caput.

Finito. Fini.

The end.

I see.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.

Hey, listen, Roz. You want to have some lunch with me?

Christine, you already had a salad, a sandwich, and a piece of cake.

Oh, come on, Roz. There's always room for jello.

Or maybe a cheeseburger and some onion rings.

Ooh, maybe they have waffles.

My old Davey Crockett hat. Gee.

Sorry, ma 'am, but I can't settle down just yet.

Too many of them rivers out there that I ain't crushed.

Too many of them mountains that I ain't climbed.

And too many of them psychiatrists you ain't consulted.

Just going through some of the stuff that I can't take to Margaret.

Guess I got caught up in childhood memories.

Oh, wow.

This reminds me of my childhood, too.

I had lots of dead pets.

Some pretty complex life moves going on around here.

How so?

Well, Christine getting divorced, Bull looking to settle down, you moving in

with Margaret, Phil passing away.

This whole Phil Foundation thing.

Me being forced to feed the poor.

Yeah, Dan, I guess we're all growing up a little.

Whoa, look at this.

Can't leave this behind.

You know, Harry, when people move in with each other, they have a tendency to

get kind of scarce.

You know, they get preoccupied with each other.

First thing you know, nobody sees them anymore.

I guess that can happen.

Listen, when you move in with Margaret, we're still going to get together from

time to time, aren't we?

Oh, Dan.

Buddy, you know we will.

Hell, you're going to help me move on Friday, aren't you?

Fat chance.

So, exactly what kind of woman are you looking for?

Basically a simple, honest woman who's tall enough so their neck's not at a

right angle when we're talking.

And who's savvy enough to know the difference between caviar and ball

Well, I can see you've given it a lot of thought.

Now I just need a little more info about you.

Eyes? Two.

Color? Used to. Gave it up. Crayon allergy.

What I meant was your eye color.

Green. Actually, teal.

Oh. Well, how about hobbies?

Hmm. I like fly fishing, ceramics, and I collect those little tiny hangers that

you get with new socks.

You know, Mr.

Shannon, in your own way, well, you're really kind of an amusing guy.

Gee, thanks.

Most people mistake my humor for a rare pituitary disease.

Right. Well, all that's left is the picture.

Oh, uh, you might want to take a profile.

Otherwise, when it flashes, you'll get a lot of glare off this baby.

Okay. Smile.

Well, this is all I need, Mr. Shannon, and you should start making honeymoon

plans because before this week is over, I...

I'm going to find you a wife.

Hey, Dan, what you doing?

I'm being burdened by financial requests from the Phil Foundation.

Look at all of these leeches.

It's pathetic.

Listen to this one.

Dear sir, we are... small medical facility in Boston and are on the verge

discovering a cure for liver disease.

Unfortunately,

our funding has run out and we are forced to turn to your foundation for

Jeez, get a paper route.

I'm begging for my money.

Dan, it's not your money. It belongs to the Phil Foundation and you're supposed

to give it away.

Okay, okay, okay, fine.

I'll send him a check for ten bucks.

But I'm sending a postage due.

Well, all set for the big move.

Just rented a truck.

What is it about having a truck that makes a guy feel so gosh darn macho?

It's a sexual thing, I think.

Conjures up images of gear shifts, gas pumps, sleazy big -breasted waitresses

serving cream pies at truck stops.

Oh, come on. It's not sexual. A truck is about power.

A man feels forceful sitting in a big rig with overdrive and 2 ,000 cubic feet

of cargo space.

Yeah, got me a minivan with removable seats.

Well, the radio's only AM.

Had enough coffee there, Christine?

Why, you think this is a lot?

Lately, you've been drinking enough to give Godzilla the shakes.

Look, Roz, I appreciate your concern, but I'm a grown woman. Full -time

full -time mother. I do the cooking, the cleaning. I feed the baby, study cases,

look at briefs, talk to clients. And maybe I do drink a little coffee now and

then, but I don't think it affects me in the least little way.

Everybody, tonight's the night.

After session, I'm going to meet five women.

Any one of whom I'd end up sharing my life, my love, and my beef jerky

sculptures.

How do you think I look?

Like Frank and Yuppie.

You look fine, Bull.

But what's that rancid mouth?

My new cologne.

Shepherd's Mystery.

I think I solved the mystery.

Bull, how much you pay for that stuff?

Oh, I didn't buy it.

I tore it out of a magazine and rubbed the page on my face.

A woman wants a man who smells as good as he looks.

Bull, what I think a woman really wants is stability.

And honesty.

And cash in advance.

Well, gotta go call the matchmaker.

Just think, by this time tomorrow, I could be Mr. Bull Shannon.

There you go.

Good night, folks.

Ross?

Have you ever helped a guy move?

I've moved a few men to tears. Well,

I'm moving into Margaret's apartment, and I could really use a hand.

Do I look like a woman who has nothing better to do on a Friday night than

schlep your dribble glass collection up eight flights of stairs?

No.

No, you don't.

Sorry I asked.

Christine, what the hell are you doing? I'm leaving.

And, uh, I'm smoking.

Well, normally I'd say you're absolutely right in saying that, Roz, but just

that now I am smoking.

And coughing.

Christine, what's going on with you?

You're smoking, you're overeating, you're drinking more coffee than the

shift at a nuclear power plant.

Bad habits. What's the big deal?

Christine, what's wrong with you?

I don't know.

I don't know, Roz. I'm such a mess.

A few days ago, I had everything under control. My job, the baby, the breakup.

Now, all of a sudden, everything's gone haywire. I'm anxious. I can't sleep.

I'm obsessing over everything.

Why is this happening all of a sudden?

Did you sign those divorce papers yet?

No.

Why do you think that is?

Because I don't want it to be over.

No, wait. That's not true. I do. I want it to be over.

I...

I just don't want to admit that it's over.

Once I sign those papers, there it is in black and white that I screwed up.

Christine, cut yourself some slack.

We all make mistakes.

I'm the only person in my family that ever got a divorce.

That's a pretty big mistake, Roz.

Well, maybe so, but nobody's running around here with a mistake ruler trying

measure it.

I know. That's because you're all my friends. You tend to overlook my flaws.

Yeah, well, maybe it's time...

You were more of a friend to yourself.

You could be right.

Let's go talk.

And not have coffee.

So, do you like old movies?

They're boring.

I like to sit way in the back.

Not me.

I sit right up front near the emergency exit.

I like big breakfast with lots of ham and eggs.

You ever heard of cholesterol?

You like to dance?

Muscle spasms.

Walks in the park? Muggers.

Cafe au lait?

Something tells me she's not the future Mrs. Shannon.

I am so sorry and so embarrassed that woman is totally wrong for you.

Maybe I should have said cappuccino.

It's not your fault. She was too contrary, too obstinate.

Too strong.

Forget her. The woman had no sense of how important you are.

This is a disaster.

Well, truthfully, Bull, this is going to be harder than I thought.

It could take weeks.

Months of you and I working closely together.

But over dinners, working late, I'm sure we can succeed.

Why don't we just admit it? I'm a 48 extra long lump who'll probably never

a good woman.

Well, wait. I can't let you do this to yourself.

Do what?

I've done a terrible thing.

I set you up with all the wrong women on purpose.

Well, you see, in my profession, you're not supposed to get involved with the

client, but while I was trying to match you up, something kept nagging at me.

I'm the perfect girl for you.

Huh?

I want to fix you up with me.

Can you do that?

Yes, but only if you feel the same way.

Well, you touched my hand, you smell nice, and you didn't faint when I

my shirt in front of you.

This could work. Want to go out now?

I'd like that.

Great. I know this neat restaurant where flamenco dancers tenderize the steaks.

I'm a vegetarian, but I love flamingo dancing.

Let's go.

this thing through, Roz.

Well, that's okay. I've always got a shoulder here for you to lean on.

Thank you, Roz.

The other one. This one's for body blocks.

Well, as long as I've signed this thing, I might as well mail it.

Yeah. You wouldn't want to waste a stamp.

Right.

Well, there goes nothing.

Feel better now?

No.

Hey, Harry.

We wanted to catch you before you left.

Oh, you guys came through for me after all.

You said you weren't going to do it, but I knew you wouldn't let me down. You're

here to help me move.

No. We're here because it's payday.

And payroll says you have our checks.

I do?

You know, come to think of it, I did pick up your checks. What did I do with

them? You know, I might have accidentally packed them in my boxes at

apartment.

Of course, I couldn't open them up and check until I move all those boxes over

to... Margaret.

Now.

Remember, lift with the legs.