Original subtitles

You better run or you'll be on the business end of that cocking gun.

You want to stop me running? She's lost her mind.

What's the problem, Kent? I just need three hours to replace the floor in the

guard's lounge, but I can't do it until they leave.

I like the lounge the way it is.

Sir, without the guard's lounge, we bailiffs had no place to cut loose and

recreate.

And Roz can be quite surly when she can't recreate.

So I guess she won't be her usual effervescent self?

I guess you won't eat the rest of your meals through a straw.

Harry, this is serious.

All right, I'll tell you what, guys. You can use my office as a temporary

bailiff's lounge. How does that sound?

Very Solomon -like, Your Honor.

I don't like it, but okay.

Uh, boss, you wanted to see me? Yes, the birds are using my car for target

practice again. Oh, Don, that metallic finish is like a pigeon magnet.

So, I want you to go stand by my parking space and act like a scarecrow.

Dan, last time you made Phil do that, he got arrested for loitering.

Yeah, well, no one's going to accuse him of loitering this time.

Oh.

Okay, Mac, batter up.

Yes, sir. People versus Ohlmeyer. Breaking and entering and burglary.

Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The Depends Desperado here.

Broken to a private residence.

And he attempted to make off with an original Diamore painting valued at over

$200 ,000.

Whoa.

She must be priced by the pound.

Depends. Yes, Your Honor, Mr.

Allmire and his wife recently lost their entire nest egg when their local

savings and loan failed.

So he entered the home of the bank president to make a withdrawal of sorts.

I'm sorry, Mr. Allmire, but that's not the way it works.

Well, you tell me how it works. The bank fails. They tell me my money's

uninsured. I lost $110 ,000, my life savings.

You should do what I do. I keep all my money in a shoebox hidden underneath the

bed where nobody knows it is.

Oops.

Oh, now I'm going to have to hide it.

I know. I'll put it underneath the chair.

Oops.

That's quite enough, Miss Hochheiser.

Mac, why don't you see what you can find out about this? I'm on it, sir.

Oh, there's my little girl.

Excuse me, sir. You're fondling the state's evidence.

Oh, I've come to take her home. Oh, see, Roscoe Kittredge, your honor, president

and owner of Rockville Savings, and this painting belongs to me. It belongs to

all of us who lost our money in his bank.

Sir, this painting happens to be a bank investment.

Then why was it hanging in your living room?

Well, it had to hang somewhere.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm a victim as well.

Rockville Savings has just been seized by the government. I'm just as broke as

this man. I'm bankrupt.

Excuse me, Your Honor, but there's an emergency call for Mr.

Kittredge from his houseboy.

You're bankrupt and you have a houseboy?

Well, bankruptcy means different things to different people.

Uh -huh. Why don't we take a break while Mr. Kittredge huddles with his...

House boy.

Um, uh, bad news, boss.

I stood out by your car like you told me, but, uh, the bird still hit it

good.

On the bright side, I sold enough pencils for a car wash.

Good.

Now, go earn me a hot wax.

Oh!

Overtime!

Excuse me, uh...

I'm sorry to hear about your case.

I kept some of my assets in that bank, too.

Yeah, that big ball of lint, right?

No, really, boss.

I'm liquid in several places.

I'm sure you are.

If there's anything I can do to help out, just let me know.

Well, you can start by getting off my foot.

The man has enough troubles without being hazed by the friends of the

Mission.

Oh, your honor, I just got some very disturbing news.

A check of my collection has turned up another missing painting.

Gerstel's The Yellow Parasol.

The Yellow Parasol?

Isn't that on display somewhere?

Yes, in my guest powder room. That is, until a certain old man got his wrinkled

mitts on it. Oh, wait a minute. There is no proof that my client was involved.

I was.

My client's confession?

And my wife broke in with me.

She's holding your Gerstel at brush point, and if we don't get our money

the yellow parasol is going to become the polka dot parasol.

You old fool, you can't just kidnap a masterpiece. Great art belongs to the

masses. Oh, really? And exactly how many of these masses got to see it hanging

in your guest powder room?

Oh, we throw lots of parties.

Oh, you do, do you really?

Okay, okay, that's a five, Miss Sullivan. My offer.

Sorry, folks, didn't mean to interrupt.

I cannot tolerate blackmail in my courtroom.

Idaho.

So I would suggest that you talk to Mr. Ohlmeier and get him to bring that

painting back before he gets in over his head.

Boise.

I'm sorry, sir, but there's more to this case than the simple letter of the law.

Rhode Island.

An old couple has lost their life savings. Where else can they go to get

justice? Providence.

I feel real bad about the old Myers, too, but that is out of my jurisdiction.

Montana.

Well, if we can't help them, who will?

Helena. Who?

It's the capital of Montana, right?

We were playing for money.

Sorry.

Sorry, Spearmint.

lounge is only for bailiffs and other official personnel.

Experiment?

Groupies.

Ah, Phil, my bigger extraordinaire.

What did you get this time?

Decaf.

Excuse me.

Mr. Robinson? Yeah. I'm Edward Shoup, U .S. Office of Thrift Supervision.

He's the fascist bank examiner who stole my S &L.

Rockville Savings failed last month.

Government is still trying to liquidate its assets.

You leech. Why don't you auction off my blood, too?

I can't.

It's too cold.

We checked on this Ohmeyer person you're holding. He's telling the truth. At one

time, he had bank bonds worth $111 ,000.

Then Kittredge runs the bank into the ground, and Allmire winds up with

I don't believe this.

Pure Chinese silk. This is my favorite power time.

I feel awful.

I'll go earn you a new one.

Excuse me.

Sure.

Gee, thanks.

I was just wondering, what happens to the people who had passbook accounts at

Rockville? They're lucky.

Passbook accounts are insured, up to $100 ,000. Only 100 grand?

Bummer.

I sweat and I shave.

For what?

Excuse me, Dan Fielding, DA's office.

This is going to be a real long shot, but do you by any chance have a Phil

Sanders on that list?

Sanders? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sanders. Sanders?

Philip Alphonse, yeah. Oh.

Ooh. Lost his shirt.

Had 3 .2 mil in Rockville when it went under.

Mil.

As in millions.

Yes.

Phil? What?

No, no, no. That's impossible.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, Dan.

Wasn't, uh...

Wasn't Phil the stockbroker?

Well, that was years ago. Believe me, the only asset he has left is his life's

farm.

Well, maybe not. I mean, I read about this.

It's called the Howard Hughes Syndrome.

Successful businessman socks away every dime, then one day just drops out and

lives like a pauper.

You're telling me Phil is loaded?

Well, he was. Of course, now all he's got left is his insured 100 grand.

Poor guy.

Poor guy.

Oh, Phil!

My good man.

You know, I was just thinking, when's the last time you did something fun?

Something just for you.

November 6, 1977.

I use the pay toilet.

Ah, yes, we all have our special memories, don't we, Philip?

Alphonse.

How did you know my middle name, boy?

Oh, joy of your sake, you... You know, let's make today special.

Here, ten bucks.

Go do something just for yourself.

Gee, it's awfully generous, boy.

That's what friends are for.

I give to you.

You give to me.

Remember that. And also remember, Dan is your friend.

Whatever you say, boss.

Dan.

Dan.

Something else I was just thinking.

When's the last time we had lunch together?

Does me licking your plate count?

Get that.

How does the Russian tea room sound?

I imagine lots of clinking of glasses and sipping noises.

That's not... That's not what I meant. Listen, why don't we have lunch there?

Really?

I'm touch book.

The hand.

Right. Listen, first, I have to go change this tie. So, I'll meet you

It's right next to Carnegie Hall.

Do we really have to eat near Carnegie Hall?

Why not?

It's just that I have this deep -rooted fear of musical instruments.

You're afraid of musical instruments?

Isn't everyone?

Absolutely.

You know what? And I think it's time we confronted it together.

Pal of mine.

Russian tea room.

One hour. Okay. You know, Dan, I always knew deep down inside that there

was something really special about you.

I'm glad I'm your lackey. Me too. Got to go. Oh,

excuse me. Can I talk to you for a second?

And this is a drunken disorderly who...

Finish this community service.

You missed one.

Thanks.

Ooh, that was a good one.

I'm sorry, sir. I can't concentrate with all this.

Yeah.

All right.

That's it.

You all got to get out of here.

Come on, everybody.

Time to go.

Okay, Harry, we can take a hint.

It's not like we have nothing better to do.

Come on, guys, let's go take turns sitting on the shoeshine stand.

Come on, come on, hustle, hustle.

Out of here, out of here, out of here.

Come on.

I'll take that, thank you.

Hey,

how was lunch?

Why so glum, Dan?

Did he let you pick up the check?

No, and from now on, you should be careful what you say about Phil Sanders.

Oh, why? Because he's suddenly rich?

No.

Because he's suddenly dead.

Dan,

I don't believe it. Phil's dead?

What happened?

It was a piano accident.

A what?

In front of Carnegie Hall.

They were hoisting a baby grand up to the second floor just as Phil was

under. The rope snapped and boom.

The key was sharp.

Phil was flat.

What a way to go.

Oh, poor man.

What about me? I had to identify the stain.

Sorry, Dan. I know that you and Phil were very close.

You know, it was his one phobia.

The man lived in fear of musical instruments.

Talk about irony.

I fed him to his death.

Oh, come on, Dan. We know you're upset, but you can't blame yourself.

Christine's right.

These things just happen.

Well, not often.

Hardly ever.

One time they do, it's because it was meant to be.

I've got to put this in perspective.

Of course you do.

It's not my fault Phil died. That's more like it, Dan. It's just my dumb luck.

The moment I find out Phil's loaded, he kicks the bucket. Dan Fielding gets

chipped once again.

Gee, Dan, your grief seems to be getting the better of you.

I'm shocked.

Phil was a living, breathing human being, and you were closer to him than

anyone. Surely that must mean something to you.

I think I see your point.

Oh, God, how stupid and short -sighted of me.

Phil has an estate and no relatives, so that probably means I'm in line for some

cash after all.

Thank you, Christine.

God bless you.

This is boring.

I miss doing nothing in the guard's lounge.

People, there's more to life than just vegetating in some drab lounge.

Like what?

Exercise, read a novel, write a letter.

Your wise man never wastes his free time.

Remember, free time is the most precious thing we have.

Jack, that's...

Floor's done. The guard's lounge is all yours.

Dibs on the folding chair!

Mr. Allmire, I am truly sorry about your life savings, but I'm afraid if you

don't tell us right now where your wife is hiding that stolen painting, you

could be looking at five to ten years in prison.

Oh, dear.

Well, Your Honor, I'm an old man, my wife's an old woman, and I guess we need

each other more than we need the money.

Would Mr. Kittredge consider dropping the charges?

All I want is my painting back.

Oh, well... All right.

Then your wife really had nothing to do with this? Well, actually, sir...

She held the getaway bus for me.

Case dismissed.

Excuse me, Your Honor. Edward Choup. I'm with the government. I was given this

earlier today.

It might be of some assistance to Mr. Ohlmeier.

Wow!

It's a check to Mr. Ohlmeier for $100 ,000 from Philip Alphonse

Sanders.

What? My Phil?

Is it any good?

Oh, yes.

Sanders had a hundred grand left.

He told me he felt badly about the O'Mayers, and he wanted them to have it.

Oh, this is fantastic.

Where can I find Mr.

Sanders?

He has a spot in front of Carnegie Hall.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Kittredge, when the government seized your SNL, weren't you supposed to

turn over all the assets?

What's your point?

The paintings.

Oh, these.

Must have slipped my mind.

Thank you.

Come by your house tomorrow in case you had any other memory lapses. I assume it

is your house.

I hate you.

Oh, damn. His package came for you.

I hope it's not Phil.

Dear boss, sorry I ruined your power tie.

Saw this one on the way to lunch and thought of you. Love, Phil.

Figures. What do you mean?

Phil's last act was to buy me a gift.

Yeah, that's really touching.

That's just typical of the dumb stunts he was always pulling. That I even put

with Phil is a tribute to my divine patience.

You're having a hard time with this, aren't you?

What is it with you people around here? Why does everyone want me to break down

and cry?

Because it'll make you feel better.

Christine, I'm fine.

The man did me a few errands. It's not like I was his brother.

Okay, that's the way you feel about it.

Well, I will admit that losing Phil will affect me in certain ways. I mean, for

instance, he always dropped off my dry cleaning, so at the moment I'm not sure

where half my suits are.

If I wanted information on a woman I was dating, like a birth date or her name,

I could always count on Phil. He was the best house sitter, too, because he

didn't mind sleeping in the sink.

So, what you're saying is that Phil's passing is just an inconvenience to you?

No. I'm just saying that I don't have to cry to feel the loss.

Because my life is going to be a little different every day.

And if you don't think that means anything to me, you're sadly mistaken.

I'm sorry, Dan.

I guess I misjudged you.

Join the crowd.

Well, Phil, it's not much to remember you by, but I guess it'll have to do.

Still, I, um...

I won't forget you, you bum.

Boy, life is cruel.

I mean, what purpose could be served by the death of such a good soul?

Good night.

Good night.

Oh, by the way, thought you might like to know, your friend who died, turns out

he had accounts in half the banks of New York.

He left an estate worth over $8 million.

Now, all goes to someone else.

Go figure.

That's the purpose.

Thank you.