Original subtitles

All right, now call the next case.

How about some breaking and entering, sir?

But you must understand, the Earth is a living organism. We're becoming like

parasites, sucking its life's blood.

All right, that's enough.

Although stunning imagery, Mr... DeYoung, sir.

He was a researcher at Sunrise Chemical until he decided, amazingly enough, he

was unstable.

They fired him.

Police found him tonight trying to burglarize the lab.

Your Honor, my client claims he was merely trying to, quote, blow the

the whole mad operation, unquote.

They had me experimenting with new viruses, bacterial weapons that could

amok and threaten the world.

You earth -loving wimps.

Save the trees, save the whales.

Any fool could save a tree. It took American business to invent the

cup.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

And you are?

Mike Foley, director of public relations at Sunrise Chemical, where we took the

thick out of toxic.

Be alarmed at Mr. DeYoung's hysterical views. Our work is to help mankind. It's

benign. It's harmless.

It's here.

Run for your lives.

Mr. DeYoung.

What exactly do you have there?

This is a vial of experimental bacteria.

I wanted to show the world what this will do.

What will it do?

I don't know.

And that's the point. No one knows what horrible plague we've concocted here.

That's one way to find out.

The floor's been evacuated except for those in the court when the test tube

broke.

Is that door sealed?

Good. We don't want any more people exposed. No telling what effect this

has had.

My God,

they've already mutated!

Oh, no, don't worry. He always looks that way.

You mind telling me what the hell is going on here? It's just a precaution.

Right now, we don't know what the bacteria's effects are.

But we're sure that it'll prove harmless.

We'll have you out of there lickety -split.

Call me immediately if one of them drops dead.

What, so all we can do is wait?

Oh, it's okay. I'm sure we'll only be stuck here a few hours.

Right, right. I'll just have to pay my babysitter a few hours overtime. No big

deal.

We're all gonna die!

Shut up, you little lab lizard.

It's your fault we're all in this.

Come on now, it's nobody's fault.

Some things just happen because they're meant to be.

With all due respect, Harry, that's a lot of crap.

Oh, I agree with him, Dan. My father used to say fate plays a bigger hand

we know.

That's right.

One way or another, fate brought us all here tonight.

What brought us all here tonight is our lousy jobs.

I can't speak for you, Dan, but I think fate played a hand in me getting my job.

Fate and a guy named Melman.

Nice duds. Who are you with? The nitty -gritty dirt van?

What's your shtick?

Huh? Read my lips. What do you do?

Oh, I'm a magician.

Oh, you and a million other losers.

You any good?

Well, I like to think so. You tell me.

Hey.

Don't give up your day job.

You know about it. Besides, that isn't my only trick. I'll show you another.

Don't bother. I can tell already.

You don't got what it takes.

How do you know?

I've been around.

You're right.

I've been turned down by every agent in town.

I've come close a whole bunch of times, but something always seems to go wrong.

Hey, does somebody have to hit you over the head?

It's fate telling you to give it up.

And take a job pumping gas.

I don't need to do that.

I got a degree, and I was awarded a merit scholarship to law school.

Well, then it's fate telling you to go to law school.

The thing is that I'd always wonder if I missed my chance.

No, I'm going to give it one more shot.

I'm a magician, damn it.

What? What do you mean, dream?

in your magic crap in here, these kids today.

They're into discotheque, mood rings, the fruit.

Now, come on, get out of here, will you?

Don't come back, either.

So, what do you do?

Never mind.

Yeah, yeah, forget him, Marty. Look, I got a new partner and everything.

Hey, Marty. Shut up, Shane.

Hey. Kid, come here.

Come back here.

Come on.

Look, you came in to do your act.

Let's see it.

All right, so you can tell me it stinks and humiliate me and destroy my ego,

drive it into the ground. I'm not going to let you do that to me. I give up on

show business. You want magic?

Mm -hmm.

I'll show you some magic.

be a trick, kid.

It is.

One of my best.

You like it?

Like it?

I love it.

I like you, kid. You got moxie.

Really? I showed that trick to every agent in town. They all hated it.

Well, that's the great thing about show business, you know. Only takes one guy

to love it.

And I love it.

I can't believe this.

I was this close to giving up.

So many bad... Things have been happening to me lately. I was thinking

giving up magic and going to law school.

Forget about law school. You're going to be a star.

First you'll be headlining in clubs. Next stop, Vegas.

And then we open on Broadway.

Broadway. The Winter Garden. And then it's on to Hollywood.

We'll make millions, kid, I tell you.

Millions. What do you think, kid?

What do I think? I think this is the greatest thing that I've ever...

Stick with me, kid. I'm the only guy in town that can make your dreams come

true. I'm gonna...

He's

dead.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

as soon as they carted Melman away, I made a beeline for the law school

admissions office.

Whatever happened to little Sid?

Last I heard, he was understudied to Pinocchio in summer stock.

Okay, everybody.

Good news.

What? What?

We get to go home? Not yet. In fact, you'll have to stay here overnight.

But Sunrise Chemical is springing for pizza!

This might not be so bad.

We can just pretend it's a slumber party.

Slumber party.

Great. That means... You

do that again, I'll have you shot and stuffed.

Kids, kids, kids, let's try to get along, okay? What do you say we tuck in

call it a night?

Good idea.

If this thing causes convulsions.

It'll be a lot less painful if we're sleeping.

If I were you, I'd sleep with one eye open.

Dan, I can't give you any more room.

No problem.

Dan, I toss and turn a lot. I can't promise I won't hit you.

No problem.

Lights out, campers.

Good night.

Don't let the bed bugs bite.

Sweet dreams.

I'm sorry, but I can't sleep.

Sometimes when I couldn't sleep, my mom would tell me a story.

Okay.

Once upon a time, there was a man who kept his friends awake until they beat

into unconsciousness with all his heart.

I like my mom's story better.

Okay, Bull, I have a story, too.

Like Harry's, it was about a crucial turning point in my life.

I was 19 years old, and I was a contestant in the Miss Greater Buffalo

pageant.

Thank you, darling.

Our next contestant is Miss Lackawanna, Debbie Lane.

She's 19.

The measurements are 38, 23, 36.

38? Sure, if you count the Kleenex.

Christine, you're next.

Remember, smile and stop pulling that.

Oh, look, Lisa, I'd like to win. I could use the scholarship, but I prefer to

earn it with my brains.

Christine, the Lord gave you brains for your whole life. He only lends you those

while you're young. You can use everything you've got.

I don't know. It's not me.

Oh, I mean, yeah, that's me.

I mean, I don't think this is me. I mean, look at her.

Miss Lackawanna, here's your question.

How would you feed the hungry of the world?

I would feed the hungry of the world a balanced diet of the four major food

groups.

Miss Lackawanna!

I can't believe that stupid answer!

I don't think it was stupid. They liked it.

Oh, sure. Well, they like mindless drivel. Like, I don't think women should

worry about politics because it takes their minds off their children.

That's perfect.

I can't say that.

You know, ever since I was a little girl, this was my dream.

But I realize that the world has more to offer, and I have more to offer than

just a pretty face.

You know something?

I can't be part of this.

You know, it pretends to celebrate women. Really, it degrades them. I hear

you're in the lead. I am?

Oh.

Well, pageants are a part of American tradition.

I guess I should be proud to be part of it.

Absolutely.

Christine, we're all in this together.

And if I can't win, I want you to win.

Our next contestant is Miss North

Tonawanda Christine Sullivan.

You're on. Say what they want. Be with me.

15 of 19. The measurements are 37, 23, 35.

Christine is a junior considering a career in law.

Wow. I wonder what her future husband will think of that.

So, Christine, here's your question.

What do you feel is a woman's place in the community?

Well, I think that a woman of the 70s should take an active role in...

In her family.

I think that, as in politics, women shouldn't worry about politics because

shouldn't... Wait, that's not what I wanted to say.

Oh, Miss North Tonawanda, you were doing so well.

Well, what I meant to say is that I don't think that women should hesitate

take an active role because, well, we have every right to.

Women should nurture their families, yes.

But beyond feeding their children, we can help feed the world if only we can

make society realize that we're more than just pretty faces. We can make a

difference.

Well, Christine, food for thought.

Thank you.

Our next contestant is Miss Mayapak Lisa Brown.

Let me fix it up for my principal.

So, Lisa, what do you feel is a woman's place in the community?

I think women shouldn't worry about politics because it takes their minds

their children.

Wonderful answer!

Hey, wait a minute. That was my wonderful answer.

She stole my answer.

You can't give her the title. I'm the one that deserves to win.

At least I told the truth.

We don't need the truth, kid. We need somebody that can win.

Oh, I get it. We can't have Christine. She's too smart. What we need is a

This contest is a sham. It's degrading to women. It's insulting.

And Miss Lackawanna stops her bra.

I lost because I took a stand.

It was then I realized that I would devote my life to righting injustices.

That's why I became a public defender.

You keep your hands to yourself.

Oh, I know it was a nightmare.

I dreamt you were in danger.

Really? You were... You were trapped in a deep valley.

I was flying to your rescue on a giant cigar.

By the way, guys, thanks a lot for falling asleep during my story.

Well, we're awake now. You want to tell it again?

No.

Someone else should tell their story.

Hey, Roz, how about you?

Huh?

Actually,

I have an interesting story.

It's about a shy little boy and a Bunsen burner.

Shut up.

I bet Roz is one of those lucky types who knew what she wanted right from the

start, right?

Well... All I knew was I liked wearing a uniform and working with people.

Hi, I'm Rod.

And I'm pleased to be your hostess on today's flight.

Please follow along carefully as I run through the safety drill.

Always keep your seatbelts fastened when the light is on.

That includes you, sir.

Now, if the plane should make a water landing, inflate your life jackets by

pulling these tabs.

If you do as I say, you will stay afloat.

The rest of you will drown like mangy rats.

In case of sudden depressurization,

Don't come crying to me.

I'll be too busy saving my own butt.

While I'm doing that, these will drop down in front of you.

Take the cord and wrap it around your neck. Russell?

Think.

The first thing you learned in flight attendant school, what was it?

We're here to serve.

Right.

Russell, I'm not sure you're a Paramus Air person.

Yes, I am, really. I can do this job.

We'll see.

You may have completed training, but you don't complete probation until this

flight is over.

I'll be watching.

Forty minutes.

That's all I've got to do, and I'm home free.

Where's my kosher meal? Where is it?

Hey, please, one at a time.

Hey, lady, they got headphones.

I want headphones.

Certainly, sir.

Stewardess, my baby needs milk.

I'll get you some.

Did you want a beverage?

Let me guess, first time flying?

Hey, baby!

I want a beverage, too.

Didn't I just get you one?

No, no, you didn't.

My mistake.

I'll get you one now.

Calm down.

Just a little turbulent. I'm too young to die.

Then you'd better let go.

Stuart, my baby just threw up. So?

I'll get on it right away.

I know. More milk, more food. No, take this diaper.

Russell, we land in five minutes.

I'm gonna make it.

I'm gonna make it.

Nothing can stop me now.

What?

Why didn't I get one of those?

You want one of these? Oh, yeah.

You really want one of these? Yeah.

Okay.

How about the rest of these?

Those headphones working out okay?

I said don't get up when the seatbelt light is on.

Didn't you want a hot towel?

Russell, you're fired.

Fired? You mean I failed my probation?

Mm -hmm. There's no way I...

In that case... You can take this job, people screaming in my face, giving

me one hassle after another.

Except this guy.

He's the only one who didn't give me a problem.

Take this plane to Havana.

Russell, that's not the way the manual says to handle a hijacking.

But I'll overlook it.

In fact, I'm willing to overlook all your past mistakes and hire you

permanently.

Forget it. I'd rather spend my life dealing with guys like him.

So, I finally found what I was good at.

Kicking butt.

And you're glad you're here?

No regrets?

Oh, no. Why would I want to be anywhere else when I can be stuck here wondering

if I'll live through the night?

Roz, you've got to look on the bright side.

I mean, in situations like this, bad news always travels fast.

So far, we haven't heard anything.

Bad news!

See it out with the viruses?

No.

We put a rat in with the culture that we made.

And it died almost instantly.

Why all the long faces?

You'll get another rat.