Original subtitles

I don't believe it. Do you know the worst part about being pregnant?

Having to wear that giant underwear?

No. I just went to the bathroom and I have to go again.

Hold on a minute. I've got a cure for that.

Hey, kid, get your foot off your mother's bladder.

Thanks, Ron.

So, Quan Lee says you're starting a childbirth class tomorrow.

Yes, I am. Oh, and please, thank her for all of her recommendations, although I

have decided to pass on the Arapaho squatting method.

Good choice.

She also mentioned you were going alone, and, well, we thought if you needed a

coach, maybe I can help. After all, I've been through it before.

Thank you, Mac. Maybe I'll just take you up on that.

Well, Bill, thank you very much for the warning about the water fountain. No

problem. Oh, criminy!

Oops.

I knew I forgot somebody.

Well, now that my nostrils have been hosed out, maybe we can start the

Oh, by the way, sir, I'll be starting my childbirth class, and I've decided to

go with the coach after all.

Really?

So Mac and I may be a little late for work tomorrow.

Mac is your coach?

Oh, well, he's certainly a choice.

Look at that. Didn't he faint during Kwan Lee's delivery?

I didn't faint. I had appendicitis. That's true. He did.

Well, thank you, Bull.

Triggered, no doubt, by panic and hysterical fear.

I was not afraid.

You're looking at a man who served in Vietnam, who went through Marine Basic,

who's eaten Kwan Lee's frog gumbo.

I think Mac's going to be a perfect choice.

Oh, by the way, Mac, here's a brochure they gave me just in case you want to

brush up before the course tomorrow.

Hello, I'm Jenny, your childbirth instructor.

Sign in here, coat there.

And do we have a partner tonight?

Oh, well, I did, but he faints at the sight of literature, so I'm going it

alone.

No, you're not.

Harry, what are you doing here? Well, come on, Miss Sullivan. After Mac

out, somebody had to pick up the standard.

Well, don't you think it might be a little awkward?

No, we're adults. I don't think our working relationship will be affected by

little grunting and sweating.

Hang up your coat.

Hi. Ben and Mara Bernstein.

Harry Stone.

So when's your wife due?

Oh, she's not my wife.

I see.

One of those couples.

Aren't you afraid of raising the baby in such an unstable home environment?

No, it's not my baby either. The father is in some cocaine field in South

America.

Doesn't even know about it.

Well, I hope at least she's staying off the stuff.

He's a narc!

You can come in.

I'm just making sure none of these women look familiar.

here? Yeah, I know. You just think I want to be in a room full of women who

obviously can't say no.

Well, Dan, I assume that even you wouldn't hit on a pregnant woman. No,

certainly not after the seventh month.

Christine, you're my friend. I'm here to help.

Well, thank you, Dan.

I see we're going with two coaches now?

Two?

Nice of you to drop by, Dan, but...

I've got the situation under control.

Oh, yeah.

Harry, I think I know a little more about the reproductive process than you

Oh, yeah?

Well, then let me ask you this. Where are your pillows?

Well, pillows have nothing to do with it. Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys.

This is the most important thing I'm ever going to do, so do you think that

could work together as a team?

Okay, certainly.

Good, because I think I'm going to need all the competent help I can get.

All right!

Let's have some...

Well, that should kickstart somebody into labor.

All right, everyone, take a seat.

And mothers, please sit next to your coach or entourage, as the case may be.

Yes,

we're married.

Still some ink left in the old fountain pen, huh?

Congratulations to us all.

Having a baby is one of life's greatest decisions.

Not for Christine. Hers was an accident.

Bull, we're here to be sensitive and supportive of Christine.

Thank you, Harry.

Now... I know most of you have watched your girlish figures being replaced with

flabby thighs, swaybacks, and varicose veins.

Not to mention swollen feet and huge butts.

However, these and other problems can be minimized through exercise.

How many of you are getting into shape by exercising your vaginal muscles?

Maybe I'm thinking of something else.

Well, it's something you can do anytime.

For example, who would know that I'm exercising mine right now?

for the last three minutes, right?

Well, let's make sure we all understand the basics.

Say hello to the female reproductive system.

Yeah!

Now, who can identify the various parts?

Uterus?

Focus plug.

In your face, pal.

Uh, no, actually, I was going to point to the birth canal, which is also known

as...

The

part where the baby comes out.

Close enough.

Now then, why don't... Why don't we try a few breathing exercises?

Rearrange your chairs so your mothers are facing your coaches.

All right, coaches.

Maintain eye contact with your mothers. And let's begin with a deep inhale.

pace on your own.

That's enough. Someone's spitting.

I have an idea.

Why don't we take turns starting with Coach here?

Why should he go first?

Because she can tell that I'm the one who's taking this seriously.

I'm the one that Christine can depend on now and throughout her child's life.

Don't you butt -mom me, Tony Jr.

You are in hot water, young man.

I came over as soon as I heard.

Uncle Harry!

Hey, you squirt! Ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Enough fun.

Now, Tony, what's this I hear about you being in a fight at school?

Well, me and some kids started kind of shoving at a school party.

Tony, Tony, Tony, how many times have I told you violence never solved anything?

Torme song.

I hope you flatten somebody.

Harry, and my teacher, Mr.

Hildebrandt, say you never even heard of him. Well, don't you worry about it.

I'm going to make sure he loses his job and is put in prison.

Harry.

Something else?

Yeah, there certainly is.

Take a look at this.

Whoa.

Well, there's always the army.

Her sanity has an IQ of 240.

All right.

Pop quiz, Tony.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?

Because she can't sit down.

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Why were the Indians the first people in North America?

Because they had reservations.

I don't know what they're complaining about. The kids got the stuff down cold.

Harry. Come on, get your hat, and I'll buy you a soda.

All right.

What, you're going to reward him for...

Yesterday, he disrupted an entire school assembly by doing card tricks. Oh, come

on, Christine.

He's just a kid, and besides, he has the added responsibility of being the only

man in the house.

Tony's under a lot of stress.

Ready, Uncle Harry?

You know, Christine, I guess you could say that Tony and I are like an old pair

of pants.

Why? Because we're ready to split.

Christine?

Christine?

I'm sorry, sir.

I was just imagining what it was going to be like to raise my baby alone.

Hey, relax.

It's going to be fine. Yeah, I know, I know. I was just getting wrapped up in

own silly thoughts.

Well, nothing wrong with getting wrapped up. I mean, after all, you are going to

be a mummy.

Once again, I...

not shoot it across the room.

Excuse me, Ginny.

I'm afraid my husband is hyperventilated.

Come on, Bo, let's get him on his feet.

I'm sure he's going to be fine.

Danelle, isn't it?

Listen, feel free to call me if you should need a little extra help or you

want to be nibbled on by somebody who has his own teeth.

Come on to her?

Don't worry, Red. I was going to get around to you.

Well, I think this would be a fine time for everyone to take a break.

Ginny. Ginny, I am so sorry. My friends are acting like such beanheads.

I don't know. Maybe I'd be better off if I just went through this thing alone.

Perhaps.

But then if you have a boy, you might find one day that there are things men

talk to him about that you can't. Well, yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Cars. No, I mean...

Like, what do you mean, babe?

Like enough talk.

Put down that surfboard and let me show you, like, how I really feel.

Oh, my God!

filthy smut, that's why.

Mom, they were just kissing. Just kissing?

Well, before you get any ideas like that, young man, I think that we should

a talk.

Okay. Now.

This is a book that answered a lot of questions for me.

Now.

This is a boy, and this is a girl.

Now, when a boy likes a girl... Mom, can we just cut down to the part where the

boy leaves Cat Fair? on the nightstand?

What?

Where did you learn such filth?

Yahoo!

Hey,

Tiger, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing at all. Great, it's time for me to take magic to his

basketball game.

Oh, oh, that's right, that's right.

Let me get your coat and mittens.

Anything new?

Plenty.

How can you tell?

Not one pair of cotton undies.

Here we go. And if you look closely, you can see the three stars that make up

the belt of Orion.

Gee, mean Uncle Ben.

It's an awe -inspiring sight, isn't it?

I'll say.

Well, we better get going. Okay, here you go.

Try not to sweat.

Okay. All right, see you later, Mom.

I thought you were going to stay in the car.

Well, we just couldn't wait to meet Tony.

Oh,

you're cute.

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

So, Karen, did you know I was treasurer of the student council?

Oh, really?

What are you teaching that kid, anyway?

Are you happy? Having a contraction?

What? Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, I was just daydreaming.

Right.

Probably a drug -induced hallucination.

All right, let's take our seats.

And now we are going to talk about...

ladies are thinking, but fortunately, the pain that we feel in labor is a good

pain.

Excuse me.

I'm having trouble with the concept of good pain.

Well, that's sort of like when your girlfriend wears spurs a bit.

Right?

I'm sure I don't know.

In this case, I meant that it's a pain that accomplishes something positive,

it's...

Not with my mom.

Every time my birthday rolled around, she'd just lock herself in her room and

whimper.

All right, it hurts like hell, which is why we sometimes need painkillers.

If I may, I would like to point out the latest research on the adverse effects

of medication on the unborn child.

I know the research.

I've also assisted in over 3 ,000 births. How about you, Coach?

Me? Oh, well, I would say definitely one.

Ha! I've done seven.

And let me tell you, you haven't experienced life's little miracle until

licked off a newborn kitten.

All right, all right. Let's just say you've had your baby.

Maybe we can talk a little now about handling the newborn.

Here you go.

A little hint.

This one you don't carry around in your mouth.

Oh, this is what it's all about, isn't it, guys?

Hey, it looks like you got yourself a girl, Christine.

A girl?

I could have a girl.

That would change everything.

Your little Tony sure is a cutie, Christine.

You must be awfully proud of her. Oh, yes, I am.

Not every mom that gets to see her little girl play a piano solo at

Hall.

Not to mention bringing peace to the Middle East.

Yeah, that was some essay, wasn't it?

But you know, Bull, she never could have done any of this without your support.

Well, I sure enjoy helping her with stuff like that science project.

Yeah, I bet she's the only kid in her class who knows how long it takes

to strip a dead horse.

Science isn't always pretty, Christine.

But your little princess sure is.

Thanks, Bull.

You know she thinks the world of you, too.

Tony, honey!

Okay? Yeah, you try bringing a baby into the world alone after you realize that

your marriage was little more than a one -night stand.

Well, that helped a lot.

Oh, who's talking, Mr. Mucus Plug?

Come on, grow up, guys. Some of us are here to learn.

Oh, really?

Well, I thought you knew it all after your night in the closet with Fluffy the

Cat.

Don't just hold the babies, all right?

Hey, come to Uncle Harry, little fella. No, come on. Give it here. Why?

You're doing it wrong. You're going to break his sternum like that. I am not.

I'll show you how it's done.

baby like a pack of jackals now that's a birthing method i'm not familiar with

oh i suppose she would have been better off with your method the freak out and

faint you're talking about yesterday that's just because i skipped lunch oh

yeah i've got some falling to do

One moment I think I can handle this all on my own, and then I think I need

somebody to lean on, and then I worry that there's nobody I can depend on, and

then I don't know what to think.

What the heck is the matter with me?

You're having a baby.

Miss Sullivan?

You got a minute?

We fixed your baby.

We figure that we owe you an apology.

I guess the reason we've been acting the way we have is that each of us, in his

own way, thinks of the baby as his own.

Yeah, let's see who steps forward the first time that kid loads his diaper.

Yeah, I guess this little tyke has his all thrown for a loop.

I mean, just thinking about the possibility of having to raise this

has got me imagining all kinds of things.

Christine, we'll be there.

And we'll act like grown -ups, honest.

Trust my heart and hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye.

Thanks, guys.

I just hope you won't be hurt if sometimes I need to handle things on my

No. In fact, if you want to do this childbirth class solo, that's Jake with

right? Yes.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have decided to go with a coach.

I figured I should choose the one of you who's proven to be the coolest head in

a crisis.

Roz.

Roz?

Makes sense.

Yeah, I think we can respect that choice.

Sure. Roz it is.

She picked a girl.

What a dumb idea.

Yeah, what do they know about having babies?

I hope you don't mind.

I'd be honored.

But I'd warn your doctor.

If he slaps that baby too hard, I'm taking him down.

No.