All language subtitles for Night Court s07e21 My Three Dads

I don't believe it. Do you know the
worst part about being pregnant?

Having to wear that giant underwear?

No. I just went to the bathroom and I
have to go again.

Hold on a minute. I've got a cure for
that.

Hey, kid, get your foot off your
mother's bladder.

Thanks, Ron.

So, Quan Lee says you're starting a
childbirth class tomorrow.

Yes, I am. Oh, and please, thank her for
all of her recommendations, although I

have decided to pass on the Arapaho
squatting method.

Good choice.

She also mentioned you were going alone,
and, well, we thought if you needed a

coach, maybe I can help. After all, I've
been through it before.

Thank you, Mac. Maybe I'll just take you
up on that.

Well, Bill, thank you very much for the
warning about the water fountain. No

problem. Oh, criminy!

Oops.

I knew I forgot somebody.

Well, now that my nostrils have been
hosed out, maybe we can start the

Oh, by the way, sir, I'll be starting my
childbirth class, and I've decided to

go with the coach after all.

Really?

So Mac and I may be a little late for
work tomorrow.

Mac is your coach?

Oh, well, he's certainly a choice.

Look at that. Didn't he faint during
Kwan Lee's delivery?

I didn't faint. I had appendicitis.
That's true. He did.

Well, thank you, Bull.

Triggered, no doubt, by panic and
hysterical fear.

I was not afraid.

You're looking at a man who served in
Vietnam, who went through Marine Basic,

who's eaten Kwan Lee's frog gumbo.

I think Mac's going to be a perfect
choice.

Oh, by the way, Mac, here's a brochure
they gave me just in case you want to

brush up before the course tomorrow.

Hello, I'm Jenny, your childbirth
instructor.

Sign in here, coat there.

And do we have a partner tonight?

Oh, well, I did, but he faints at the
sight of literature, so I'm going it

alone.

No, you're not.

Harry, what are you doing here? Well,
come on, Miss Sullivan. After Mac

out, somebody had to pick up the
standard.

Well, don't you think it might be a
little awkward?

No, we're adults. I don't think our
working relationship will be affected by

little grunting and sweating.

Hang up your coat.

Hi. Ben and Mara Bernstein.

Harry Stone.

So when's your wife due?

Oh, she's not my wife.

I see.

One of those couples.

Aren't you afraid of raising the baby in
such an unstable home environment?

No, it's not my baby either. The father
is in some cocaine field in South

America.

Doesn't even know about it.

Well, I hope at least she's staying off
the stuff.

He's a narc!

You can come in.

I'm just making sure none of these women
look familiar.

here? Yeah, I know. You just think I
want to be in a room full of women who

obviously can't say no.

Well, Dan, I assume that even you
wouldn't hit on a pregnant woman. No,

certainly not after the seventh month.

Christine, you're my friend. I'm here to
help.

Well, thank you, Dan.

I see we're going with two coaches now?

Two?

Nice of you to drop by, Dan, but...

I've got the situation under control.

Oh, yeah.

Harry, I think I know a little more
about the reproductive process than you

Oh, yeah?

Well, then let me ask you this. Where
are your pillows?

Well, pillows have nothing to do with
it. Okay, okay, guys, guys, guys, guys.

This is the most important thing I'm
ever going to do, so do you think that

could work together as a team?

Okay, certainly.

Good, because I think I'm going to need
all the competent help I can get.

All right!

Let's have some...

Well, that should kickstart somebody
into labor.

All right, everyone, take a seat.

And mothers, please sit next to your
coach or entourage, as the case may be.

Yes,

we're married.

Still some ink left in the old fountain
pen, huh?

Congratulations to us all.

Having a baby is one of life's greatest
decisions.

Not for Christine. Hers was an accident.

Bull, we're here to be sensitive and
supportive of Christine.

Thank you, Harry.

Now... I know most of you have watched
your girlish figures being replaced with

flabby thighs, swaybacks, and varicose
veins.

Not to mention swollen feet and huge
butts.

However, these and other problems can be
minimized through exercise.

How many of you are getting into shape
by exercising your vaginal muscles?

Maybe I'm thinking of something else.

Well, it's something you can do anytime.

For example, who would know that I'm
exercising mine right now?

for the last three minutes, right?

Well, let's make sure we all understand
the basics.

Say hello to the female reproductive
system.

Yeah!

Now, who can identify the various parts?

Uterus?

Focus plug.

In your face, pal.

Uh, no, actually, I was going to point
to the birth canal, which is also known

as...

The

part where the baby comes out.

Close enough.

Now then, why don't... Why don't we try
a few breathing exercises?

Rearrange your chairs so your mothers
are facing your coaches.

All right, coaches.

Maintain eye contact with your mothers.
And let's begin with a deep inhale.

pace on your own.

That's enough. Someone's spitting.

I have an idea.

Why don't we take turns starting with
Coach here?

Why should he go first?

Because she can tell that I'm the one
who's taking this seriously.

I'm the one that Christine can depend on
now and throughout her child's life.

Don't you butt -mom me, Tony Jr.

You are in hot water, young man.

I came over as soon as I heard.

Uncle Harry!

Hey, you squirt! Ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha ha!

Enough fun.

Now, Tony, what's this I hear about you
being in a fight at school?

Well, me and some kids started kind of
shoving at a school party.

Tony, Tony, Tony, how many times have I
told you violence never solved anything?

Torme song.

I hope you flatten somebody.

Harry, and my teacher, Mr.

Hildebrandt, say you never even heard of
him. Well, don't you worry about it.

I'm going to make sure he loses his job
and is put in prison.

Harry.

Something else?

Yeah, there certainly is.

Take a look at this.

Whoa.

Well, there's always the army.

Her sanity has an IQ of 240.

All right.

Pop quiz, Tony.

What does the Statue of Liberty stand
for?

Because she can't sit down.

Where was the Declaration of
Independence signed?

At the bottom.

Why were the Indians the first people in
North America?

Because they had reservations.

I don't know what they're complaining
about. The kids got the stuff down cold.

Harry. Come on, get your hat, and I'll
buy you a soda.

All right.

What, you're going to reward him for...

Yesterday, he disrupted an entire school
assembly by doing card tricks. Oh, come

on, Christine.

He's just a kid, and besides, he has the
added responsibility of being the only

man in the house.

Tony's under a lot of stress.

Ready, Uncle Harry?

You know, Christine, I guess you could
say that Tony and I are like an old pair

of pants.

Why? Because we're ready to split.

Christine?

Christine?

I'm sorry, sir.

I was just imagining what it was going
to be like to raise my baby alone.

Hey, relax.

It's going to be fine. Yeah, I know, I
know. I was just getting wrapped up in

own silly thoughts.

Well, nothing wrong with getting wrapped
up. I mean, after all, you are going to

be a mummy.

Once again, I...

not shoot it across the room.

Excuse me, Ginny.

I'm afraid my husband is
hyperventilated.

Come on, Bo, let's get him on his feet.

I'm sure he's going to be fine.

Danelle, isn't it?

Listen, feel free to call me if you
should need a little extra help or you

want to be nibbled on by somebody who
has his own teeth.

Come on to her?

Don't worry, Red. I was going to get
around to you.

Well, I think this would be a fine time
for everyone to take a break.

Ginny. Ginny, I am so sorry. My friends
are acting like such beanheads.

I don't know. Maybe I'd be better off if
I just went through this thing alone.

Perhaps.

But then if you have a boy, you might
find one day that there are things men

talk to him about that you can't. Well,
yeah, I know exactly what you mean.

Cars. No, I mean...

Like, what do you mean, babe?

Like enough talk.

Put down that surfboard and let me show
you, like, how I really feel.

Oh, my God!

filthy smut, that's why.

Mom, they were just kissing. Just
kissing?

Well, before you get any ideas like
that, young man, I think that we should

a talk.

Okay. Now.

This is a book that answered a lot of
questions for me.

Now.

This is a boy, and this is a girl.

Now, when a boy likes a girl... Mom, can
we just cut down to the part where the

boy leaves Cat Fair? on the nightstand?

What?

Where did you learn such filth?

Yahoo!

Hey,

Tiger, I'm not interrupting anything, am
I?

Oh, no, no, no, nothing at all. Great,
it's time for me to take magic to his

basketball game.

Oh, oh, that's right, that's right.

Let me get your coat and mittens.

Anything new?

Plenty.

How can you tell?

Not one pair of cotton undies.

Here we go. And if you look closely, you
can see the three stars that make up

the belt of Orion.

Gee, mean Uncle Ben.

It's an awe -inspiring sight, isn't it?

I'll say.

Well, we better get going. Okay, here
you go.

Try not to sweat.

Okay. All right, see you later, Mom.

I thought you were going to stay in the
car.

Well, we just couldn't wait to meet
Tony.

Oh,

you're cute.

Yeah, yeah, thanks.

So, Karen, did you know I was treasurer
of the student council?

Oh, really?

What are you teaching that kid, anyway?

Are you happy? Having a contraction?

What? Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, I was just
daydreaming.

Right.

Probably a drug -induced hallucination.

All right, let's take our seats.

And now we are going to talk about...

ladies are thinking, but fortunately,
the pain that we feel in labor is a good

pain.

Excuse me.

I'm having trouble with the concept of
good pain.

Well, that's sort of like when your
girlfriend wears spurs a bit.

Right?

I'm sure I don't know.

In this case, I meant that it's a pain
that accomplishes something positive,

it's...

Not with my mom.

Every time my birthday rolled around,
she'd just lock herself in her room and

whimper.

All right, it hurts like hell, which is
why we sometimes need painkillers.

If I may, I would like to point out the
latest research on the adverse effects

of medication on the unborn child.

I know the research.

I've also assisted in over 3 ,000
births. How about you, Coach?

Me? Oh, well, I would say definitely
one.

Ha! I've done seven.

And let me tell you, you haven't
experienced life's little miracle until

licked off a newborn kitten.

All right, all right. Let's just say
you've had your baby.

Maybe we can talk a little now about
handling the newborn.

Here you go.

A little hint.

This one you don't carry around in your
mouth.

Oh, this is what it's all about, isn't
it, guys?

Hey, it looks like you got yourself a
girl, Christine.

A girl?

I could have a girl.

That would change everything.

Your little Tony sure is a cutie,
Christine.

You must be awfully proud of her. Oh,
yes, I am.

Not every mom that gets to see her
little girl play a piano solo at

Hall.

Not to mention bringing peace to the
Middle East.

Yeah, that was some essay, wasn't it?

But you know, Bull, she never could have
done any of this without your support.

Well, I sure enjoy helping her with
stuff like that science project.

Yeah, I bet she's the only kid in her
class who knows how long it takes

to strip a dead horse.

Science isn't always pretty, Christine.

But your little princess sure is.

Thanks, Bull.

You know she thinks the world of you,
too.

Tony, honey!

Okay? Yeah, you try bringing a baby into
the world alone after you realize that

your marriage was little more than a one
-night stand.

Well, that helped a lot.

Oh, who's talking, Mr. Mucus Plug?

Come on, grow up, guys. Some of us are
here to learn.

Oh, really?

Well, I thought you knew it all after
your night in the closet with Fluffy the

Cat.

Don't just hold the babies, all right?

Hey, come to Uncle Harry, little fella.
No, come on. Give it here. Why?

You're doing it wrong. You're going to
break his sternum like that. I am not.

I'll show you how it's done.

baby like a pack of jackals now that's a
birthing method i'm not familiar with

oh i suppose she would have been better
off with your method the freak out and

faint you're talking about yesterday
that's just because i skipped lunch oh

yeah i've got some falling to do

One moment I think I can handle this all
on my own, and then I think I need

somebody to lean on, and then I worry
that there's nobody I can depend on, and

then I don't know what to think.

What the heck is the matter with me?

You're having a baby.

Miss Sullivan?

You got a minute?

We fixed your baby.

We figure that we owe you an apology.

I guess the reason we've been acting the
way we have is that each of us, in his

own way, thinks of the baby as his own.

Yeah, let's see who steps forward the
first time that kid loads his diaper.

Yeah, I guess this little tyke has his
all thrown for a loop.

I mean, just thinking about the
possibility of having to raise this

has got me imagining all kinds of
things.

Christine, we'll be there.

And we'll act like grown -ups, honest.

Trust my heart and hope to die. Stick a
needle in my eye.

Thanks, guys.

I just hope you won't be hurt if
sometimes I need to handle things on my

No. In fact, if you want to do this
childbirth class solo, that's Jake with

right? Yes.

Well, as a matter of fact, I have
decided to go with a coach.

I figured I should choose the one of you
who's proven to be the coolest head in

a crisis.

Roz.

Roz?

Makes sense.

Yeah, I think we can respect that
choice.

Sure. Roz it is.

She picked a girl.

What a dumb idea.

Yeah, what do they know about having
babies?

I hope you don't mind.

I'd be honored.

But I'd warn your doctor.

If he slaps that baby too hard, I'm
taking him down.

No.