Original subtitles

Hi, guys. Hi.

What are you reading?

Oh, just a book of baby names.

What do you guys think of the name Brad?

It means a broad and wide place.

That's pretty much what he looks like now.

Thank you, Mac. I'd forgotten that I look like a cow.

Well, Christine, you know, if it's a girl, I think Roz has a nice ring to it.

It means fists of death.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. Let me move this laundry for you.

What is this, evidence?

Uh, not exactly, sir. The house Kwan Lee and I just rented is miles from a

laundromat, so for now I'm commuting with my skivvies.

Why don't you just buy a washer and dryer?

With my bank account?

The next time I use a walk -up teller, I'm expecting the screen to flash, you

gotta be kidding.

I did it! I did it!

The fulfillment of my every wish just arrived in this envelope.

What happened? The post office issue an X -rated stamp?

Even better, that is a coveted invitation to the Lieutenant Governor's

Come next Tuesday, I'll be nibbling caviar with the Attorney General, the

Governor, the Superintendent of Highways.

Mmm.

You won't be laughing when I have an off -ramp named after me.

So how'd you get invited? You got pictures of the Lieutenant Governor with

goat?

happens I got seated next to his wife last week at a luncheon. Turns out she's

also from Louisiana and somehow assumed I was part of the Southern aristocracy.

You didn't happen to sprinkle your conversation with words like plantation,

cotillion, or colonel, did you? When I was a kid, we lived near a plantation.

I parked cars once at a cotillion.

And you've eaten at the colonel's.

Exactly.

Well, it seems as if you made quite an impression, though.

Dan, I'm saving a waltz for you. Lurleen.

Waltz? You know ballroom dancing?

What's the big deal?

Well, for one thing, the waltz doesn't have any pelvic thrusts.

None at all?

Hi, guys.

Hey, waltz. Hey, who's laundry?

Well, that's mine, boy. You gonna do some delicates?

Well, I only have about a half a load.

Mind throwing these in?

I appreciate the fact that you make people feel better. I still don't think

offering sponge baths in your van qualifies as professional medical care.

That's a hundred dollar fine for solicitation and a recess, people.

I think it was the first stethoscope that gave you away.

Uh, Howard, do you mind if I use your office in private for a few minutes? I

suppose so. Is it business related?

Why do you ask?

Because the last time you used my office, I found a garter belt under my

blotter.

I noticed you didn't give it back.

Hello, Judge Harry.

Yakov! You son of a gun!

Hey!

Ooh, that's new.

You look like a million bucks.

Don't tell that to the IRS.

Well,

I see you still got your cute little laugh.

Like a seal in heat.

Oh, Harry, I want you to meet my father, Gregor Korolenko.

Papa, this is Judge Harry Stone, the man who saved me from jail and got me a

green card.

I am pleased to meet you.

Nice shoes.

Thanks, I tie them all by myself.

You must be thrilled visiting New York.

Long time since you've seen your son.

Well, he's your da -da, all right.

He's joke.

So, has Yakov been showing you the big apple? I haven't had any fruit, no.

Maybe a few prunes wouldn't hurt.

I've sent him everywhere.

Limousine tours, museum shopping.

I bought six boxes of Lee's press -on nails.

Trevor, why would you want to buy fake fingernails? There was no one in line.

Tomorrow he's going to sit in the Statue of Liberty space.

You're going with me, Yakov? I told you, Papa, I can't. I'm too busy at my

store.

Oh! that's right. I haven't seen you since you became Yahoo Yakov, the czar

used appliances.

Hey, I've heard your commercials on the radio.

Best prices in New York. And that's no Bolshevik.

You know, Mac, maybe Yakov can help you get a washer and dryer.

You bet you. For you, Mac, free delivery, low monthly installments, and

down. Well, When you get down around nothing, you're in my price range.

All right.

I'll call Quindy and tell her the good news.

Thanks,

Yakov. I owe you one. Oh, sure. But then maybe one back can scratch another,

yes? What do you got in mind?

Papa, I need to talk to Judge Harry alone.

Certainly. I'll step over here.

At my age, you don't have to go too far.

Say, Mr. Korolenko, would you like a little tour of the building?

That would be lovely, tall fellow.

Come on, we'll start with the morgue.

I'll show you how they get a dead guy's shoes off.

Mr. Yakov, what's up?

Well, my father has only two weeks of tourist visa.

Oh, you'd like me to pull a few strings, see if we can get him to stay a little

longer? There could be a dustbuster in it for you.

Nah, no need.

Be my pleasure.

Thanks, Harry. I appreciate it. I knew I could count on you.

Excuse me.

Hello?

I told you the microwave is being delivered.

And don't call me on this number.

This is an unlisted jacket.

Hey, Ross.

Here's an unusual name. What do you think about Tom Athena?

Fine. If you give him birth to a cat.

Yeah, you're right, it's no good.

Boy, this is a lot tougher than I thought it would be.

I mean, the name you choose could affect your child's entire destiny.

So you're saying Washington wouldn't have been president if his name had been

Chucky.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, the right name's bound to come to me sooner or later.

Say, you might want to try what my cousin did. She named her little girl

something she liked on TV.

Oh, you mean like Kate or Allie?

I mean like Pepsodent.

out of your hand.

Cushion. Oh, I was, um, oh, just doing a little spring cleaning.

You know how these puppies lose their shape if you don't turn them.

Trying to teach yourself the ballroom dance, huh?

I'm at a bit of a disadvantage. My best moves are horizontal.

Well, if it means anything, your tempo was lousy, but your gliding wasn't half

bad. My gliding?

You know about this stuff?

My Auntie Ruth made me learn when I was a teenager.

She thought it was the only way to get a man.

Of course, in those days, we didn't have kung fu.

You know, Ross, if I make a good impression at the Lieutenant Governor's

my career could skyrocket.

And you and I have been working together shoulder to shoulder for five years.

How about 30 bucks?

You'll cover your first lesson. Yes.

I'll have you dancing by tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Well, Fritz says it'll take at least a week. That's because Fritz

doesn't use pain as a motivator.

Well, that's too bad.

Yeah, I think that you broke the TV after it was delivered.

You want me to put it where?

Ha! Shows what you know.

It would never fit.

A juicer, maybe.

Well, same to you, pal.

Hi. Hi. Did you know that your doorbell plays Yankee Doodle Dandy? Yeah, my

toilet used to play Star Spangled Banner, but people kept standing up.

I brought the visa papers for your dad to sign. Oh, that's great.

He's going to be back any minute. Come on in.

Whoa.

Pretty awesome place, huh?

Well, you've certainly come a long way, Yakov.

Thanks to you, Harry.

Ooh, I love these.

You like it? It's yours.

Oh, thanks all the same.

So where are Sonia and the kids? I was hoping I'd get to see them.

Oh, well, unfortunately, they're visiting relatives in Chicago.

By the way, how is Mac? Did he receive his washer and dryer all right? Oh,

Hell, he was so excited, he videotaped the first load.

Come on in.

Thank you.

Bull, what a surprise.

I know the feeling. I get it every morning when I see myself in the shower

So you and Greg are really hitting it off, huh? Once again, Yakov was busy at

the store.

So Bull was nice enough to show me some more sights.

Yep, Rockefeller Center, Central Park, and my personal favorite, the New York

Museum of Belk.

Boy, it gives you tremendous respect for the men whose job it is to keep our

pants up.

Well, Bull, I'm glad you're here. It will make the celebration even better.

Celebration? Yeah, Mr. Karlenko, Yakov and I were able to get you an extension

on your visa.

That means that you can spend with me more time, Papa. Six more months. What

you say to that?

What do I say?

I say, yet.

Why would I want to spend six more months with a son I don't even

I'm sure you don't mean that. What do you know, Judge Big Shot?

You were the one that changed him in the first place.

This boy is more like a son to me than you are.

Papa! It could be my fault.

In the park, I made him catch me at the bottom of the slide.

Hey, guys, will you help me out?

I want you to give me your immediate reaction to this baby name.

Francine. Hmm.

Makes me think of a big fat woman in a greasy spoon restaurant frying spam.

I see bacon.

Okay, if you guys don't want to take part in this process, just say so.

I'm sorry, Miss Sullivan. I guess my mind's on Yakov. He and his dad aren't

getting along.

Oh, why?

Well, I think his father's having trouble adjusting to Yakov's lifestyle.

mean, Gregor's in his 70s, and I think he's stuck in his old world ways.

Sir, has it ever occurred to you that you might have a bit of a blind spot

it comes to Yakov? I mean, he is one of your pet cases.

One of my pet cases?

Miss Sullivan, the man's not a turtle.

He's my friend, and I admire him because he works hard and he dotes on his

family. And that's not easy considering they live in Chicago.

Right.

What?

Gregor told me Sonya moved out five months ago.

Took the kids and the parakeet.

Well, Yakov told me they were just visiting relatives.

Blind spot, blind spot.

That's it, Judge Harry.

It's definite.

What is?

My father is leaving, so there is no need for a visa.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Yakov, but if you have a minute, I'd like to have

a talk with you. You're not the only one.

Hey, Mac, what's happening?

Well, not my washer and dryer.

You'd know if you bothered to return my calls.

Well, my beeper's been on the fritz.

I had that once.

A little cranberry juice cleared it right up.

Look at this shirt.

Oh, Mac, you should try a fabric softener.

And what the washer didn't chew up, the dryer shrank. Quan Lee's brassieres

could be worn by Barbie.

Come on, Mac, relax.

Yakov gave you a two -year warranty.

I just read it. The years are 1973 and 74.

Well, Yakov, you've got to take the machines back.

Mac is a friend.

This is different.

Business is business.

You little red weasel, I'm going to glass nose your face.

I don't have to stand here and listen to your insinuandos. I'm leaving.

Go ahead. Get out of here, you little rusky ripoff.

Mac, don't you think you're overreacting a little?

This was my favorite sweater.

as Ricardo Montalban.

You aren't bad, but you got to do a quicker recovery when you dip.

Yeah, I know. You know, when I dip a woman, I want to stay down there.

In that case, skip the dip.

Oh, this is great. I am going to impress the hell out of all of those guys.

I'm going to be in suck -up heaven.

I owe it all to you, my beautiful, fleet -footed cha -cha mama.

You also owe me another 30 bucks.

Right.

God, you are so good at this. You must go dancing all the time.

Oh, sure.

You'd be amazed at how many guys in the drunk tank just love to rumba.

Um, Ross, you know what I was just thinking I need?

A vasectomy and a pound of saltpeter?

What I need is to practice first, out in front of people, you know, like at a

ballroom somewhere.

You better not be feeling sorry for me. No, no, I swear, my motives are totally

self -centered and greedy.

You pay the cover.

Okay, sure.

In that case, I know a great club where they've got good music, colored lights,

and a mirrored ball on the ceiling.

Oh, they put in a hot oil pit, it'd sound just like my place.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

What are you doing here at two in the morning?

I couldn't sleep, Yakov.

I kept thinking about all the stuff that we've been through together, you know?

Like how I kept you out of jail.

Yeah. And how I defended your brother when he tried to defect.

Right. And how I arranged it so you could go visit your sick mom back in

Yes. And it occurred to me...

that I had forgotten to charge you legal fees.

Holy cats, $7 ,000?

Like you say, business is business.

But I thought you did all those things just to be helpful.

I thought I was helping a sweet little guy who wanted a better life for his

family. Exactly.

That's why I walked my tushka off.

Then why did Sonia take the kids to Chicago?

Michael Jordan?

Look, they just couldn't appreciate how hard I worked to buy all these things.

So you ended up trading your family for a lava lamp and a Barker lounger?

Have you sat in that chair?

Oh, Yakov, pal, I've known you for six years and I can't even believe I'm

talking to the same guy.

What do you mean you are the one who told me to get everything I can? It's

American dream, no?

No.

Yakov, it's not about how much you can acquire. It's about making your life

better.

What good is a home if you don't have a family to fill it?

What good is success if there's no one to share it with you?

Listen to him.

He is one smart Bakhnevchik.

Okay, okay, okay.

I made few mistakes, but I'm only human. I know you're human, but you're

acting like, like, like a holomyaki.

Sounds right to me.

Whatever happened to that sweet little boy who said to me, Papa, all I need is

your smile.

Now, Yakov, aren't we sounding a little defensive?

Yakov!

Well,

I'm going to leave you two guys alone.

And even though I didn't understand a word of what you just said,

I want you to know something.

That stuff always sounds like secret rocket plan to me.

Roz! Roz, guess what?

Last night, I dreamt the perfect name for my baby.

I was flying in an airplane, God knows why, and I was wearing a bathrobe and

of those big barbecue mitts. This angelic stewardess came up to me and she

just one thing.

Barf bag?

Roz, what she said to me...

was Dale.

Dale is the perfect name. It's good for a boy. It's good for a girl. It's clean.

It's simple. It's Roy Rogers' wife.

It doesn't matter.

I think you should listen to your dreams.

My baby's name's going to be Dale.

Here you go, Dale. I found you a nice piece of old bologna.

Bob. What do you think about Bob?

Hey, sender fella, you ready for the big ball?

Uh, no.

After dancing with you last night, something happened that made me change

mind. Well, you samba with Roz, you see God.

That's not it.

I broke my leg.

I fell down some stairs.

Well, you could still go to the ball with one good leg.

And dance what?

The cha?

You know, this wouldn't have happened if you fixed that light in your stairwell.

My stairwell?

What the hell were you doing at my place?

Well, we were such a hot item on the dance floor, I wanted to see how hot

be on your floor.

Thought about it myself.

But I decided it would be a mistake.

Why? Because we work together.

No.

Because I'm more than you can handle.

So they've worked things out and Gregor has decided he's going to stay for

another couple of months?

Well, whoop -dee -doo.

I'm out of a washer and dryer and finally had to wear a curtain to the

today. Bye, guys.

Good news.

I called Sonia in Chicago, and I told her how stupid Swalich I was, and she

agreed to take me back.

Well, you lucky Swalich, you. Well, sounds like you made out just handy last

night. I slept in torn pajamas.

I'm sorry, Mac. I've really been a mother Swalich to you. But I'm trying to

up for it. I left a surprise for you in the courtroom.

Oh, my goodness.

You can have it in a minute. I'm on the spin cycle.