Original subtitles

Okay, I got the cake for Harry's party. Christine, did you get the snacks yet?

Oh, Mac, I'm sorry.

I find it hard to even think about food these days.

Morning sickness again?

I swear, I've been back and forth the ladies' room so many times, I feel like

I'm on some gross Olympic relay team.

Wow, the hop's skipping.

Christine,

if you're sick, I can get the food.

No way, Bull.

Do you remember the Fourth of July picnic and your salute to botulism?

Hey, how was I supposed to know the oyster dip wouldn't stay fresh in my

Okay, Bull, we'll give you another chance. But no dairy, no seafood, and no

kills.

That takes care of everything but the decorations. Ross?

Right here.

Well, nice to see you go to so much trouble.

No trouble.

They're with Compulsory Arts and Crafts in Holding.

Oh, here's a pretty one. Happy birthday, Mother...

Never mind.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Mac,

I got your message. What's up?

Well, we're having a surprise party for Harry.

It's funny he didn't mention it.

That's because it's a secret.

Oh, right.

so just keep it under your hat.

Hey, I'm great at secrets.

To this day, I have never told anyone of my role in Watergate.

Hey,

guys. Hey. Hi, buddy.

What's up?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing, nothing.

I just dropped by to say hello.

So, uh...

I'll see you around.

That's my dad.

Hey, guys.

Check out my new haircut.

What do you think?

Hey, that Doogie Howser look is catching on.

Come on, now. This happens to be very in. I got it cut for my birthday.

Is your birthday coming up?

Coming up? It's today.

Oh.

mind turning 40. No, why should I?

Harry's right. I mean, I'm over 40 and I'm still as virile as ever.

Of course, I was virile to begin with.

One should not judge one's virility by the number of panties in one's

I think that's for the Guinness people to decide.

Well, I think you've got a terrific attitude, sir.

Ah, sure. I mean, I was blessed with a youthful appearance.

Heck, I don't feel a day over 20.

There you are.

Oh,

I'm so sorry. I thought you were my father.

Hey, Christine, I wanted to get Harry a gift. How soon is this party going to

happen? Right after session, buddy. Oh, I guess that rules out mail order.

I just have to get him the usual.

What's that?

Spackle.

Okay, Mac, let's rope them and brand them. Yes, sir.

People versus Capitao and Ada New, trespassing and disturbing the peace.

In no way, Randy. No, you're cheating. We know.

Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The defendants are members of rival fraternities that

have been competing in a scavenger hunt. They were arrested in the mayor's

dumpster fighting over a piece of his honor's old dental floss.

Your Honor, my clients were merely engaging in an innocent college ritual.

Innocent? Sir, would you check out some of the items on their list?

An iron lung.

A DP -10 steering wheel.

Jane Pauly's bra.

That one could be tough.

For you, maybe. Oh, you're going to start him off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh,

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your Honor, Your Honor, these are just young boys who are simply... Hey, hey,

get your paws out of my briefcase. Hey,

I was only hoping to find item 147.

If she had one, she wouldn't look like that.

Okay, guys, I've heard enough. I'm finding you guilty, and that's a $100

for each of you.

What's with this guy?

What do you expect from some old geezer? Yeah.

Geezer? Mac, do I really come off that old? Oh, I wouldn't say old, sir. More

like mature.

Well, why don't you give this mature guy some nice, quiet case?

Sure thing.

Here's a routine matter of speeding and unpaid parking tickets.

People versus...

That little problem we had last year. Little problem?

You pinhead!

You gave me a cold. You wrecked my concert. You strapped me to a gurney

my will.

I pushed him up and down the hallway.

You made my life a living hell.

Mr. Tormey, I think you might want to rethink your attitude here. I mean,

all, this is the man that holds your immediate future in his hands.

On the other hand, Your Honor, I really overreacted last year.

Really? Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I was just about to call you and say, let's let bygones be

bygones. What a coincidence he would stop speeding just before he made the

How fast was he going?

45 in a 25, sir, and the computer check showed that the lead foot legend here

had several unpaid parking tickets.

Meow, meow, meow.

My accountant merely forgot to pay them. It was an honest mistake.

You know, like... Like your mistake in ruining my concert, the one I just

forgave you for?

You mean it? You forgive me? Absolutely. I could never hold a grudge against you

because you're the top.

You're the top.

I'm a worthless check, a total wreck, a flop.

But if, baby, I'm the bottom, you're the top.

up in scat.

Oh, Mel, this is great. You don't know how happy this has all made me.

Guilty.

What?

You mean I debased myself for nothing?

I like to think of debasement as its own reward.

Well, gee, Mel, I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. I mean, you gotta pay those

tickets. All right, all right.

Oh, damn, I forgot.

Your Honor, I left my wallet at Henry Mancini's house.

We hear that excuse from every pimp and flasher that comes through this joint.

Judge, you of all people must know I'm good for it. Well, of course.

Oh, good.

But... I can't show favoritism.

Well, what are you gonna do? Throw me into jail?

Just till you pay the tickets.

That's it. That's it!

You know what I said about forgiving you? Forget it. I take it all back.

Aw, Mel.

Don't aw, Mel, me, you beanie -faced twerp.

Isn't that contempt?

Uh, no, no, I don't think so.

Oh, you want contempt?

You want contempt? How about this?

That would do it.

I'll get you for this, Stone. I'll get you for this.

You're a walking disaster.

You're a pox on humanity!

And your haircut stinks!

Man, that is one cranky crooner.

our birthday party. I had it blown up from this.

Oh, look at that process face.

Yeah, Harry was such a cute baby.

Oh, that's not Harry.

Who the hell is it?

You got me. It came with my wallet.

But now that you mention it, a picture of Harry would have been an even better

idea.

Harry's on his way. Oh, no, we can't come in here. We're not through with the

decorations yet.

Dan and I'll stall him. Oh, thanks a lot, Mac.

I know.

Get him to sing a billion bottles of beer on the wall.

It's a heck of a lot of fun.

Although it did cause me to miss the entire Ford administration.

But I'm feeling much better now.

Oh, uh, sir.

Did you, uh, patch things up with Mel? He hates me. Oh.

Oh, no, sir. He's just upset. You know how a strip search can make a person

grumpy.

But I'm sure he doesn't hate you.

He said he wanted to see me staked to a hill while fire ants devoured my flesh.

Well, you see, he could have meant that in a number of ways.

Offered to pay his tickets, but he said he'd rather do a year touring with guns

and roses.

Where are you going?

To my office. I want to be alone.

Oh, no, sir. That's the worst thing that you could do.

Mac's right. Any psychologist would agree. You should never be alone after

rejected by a jazz artist. Yeah. Now, let's go get a cup of coffee. You can

us all about it. I don't want any coffee. Well, you can watch me and Mac

ours. Maybe some pie.

Oh, poor Harry.

Yeah, I don't think we're going to cheer him up by throwing a bunch of confetti

in his face.

Nope, you're right. I think the only way this party's going to cheer up Harry is

if we can get Mel Torme to be there.

By golly, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

You should have seen her before New York made her bitter.

I don't know why everybody's so worried.

I've learned that there's no problem that can't be solved with a few party

games. That's a good idea, buddy. Why don't you go round a few up? Sure.

Although, it's not going to be easy finding dice in a salami at this hour.

Hey, what are you doing to that fire extinguisher?

Aren't you one of those scavenger hunters?

Oh, no.

I'm... I'm the fire marshal.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, I'm sorry.

How rude of me.

Want me to do yours?

Well, I don't know. It's just about tea time, isn't it, Cedric?

Mr. Torme, Judd don't hate it putting you in here. I mean, he is your biggest

fan. I can't tell you how many times he's forced us to listen to your music.

What is this, let's get Mel night?

Oh, come on, Mel.

I mean, let's face facts.

The reason you're in here is because you're guilty, and I say that as your

defense attorney.

Yeah, you really did a great job.

Okay, fine, fine. You can blame me, but you can't blame Harry.

I mean, did Harry go speeding down Park Avenue? Did Harry forget to pay his

parking ticket? Did Harry trash a bar till he got smacked over the head with a

pool cue?

Mel, today is Harry's birthday.

Could you just come down?

For a couple of minutes and talk to him.

I mean, after all, he did volunteer to pay your parking tickets.

Look, miss, I understand what you're trying to do, but I'm going to tell you

right now, when my manager gets here, I'm leaving.

And you'd rather wait in here than talk to Harry for one minute?

It's not so bad in here.

Good buddies, interesting conversation.

I tried.

You find the rest of those scavenger hunters?

No, but I think Mom just hung up on me.

Well, I got a hunch they're still around here someplace, so you keep an eye

peeled, and I'll check downstairs.

Right.

And to top it all, I'm turning 40.

Oh, Harry, getting older isn't all bad.

My grandfather used to say, people like wine get better with age.

I'm older than Spider -Man.

Well, what about Superman?

He's still in his 30s.

Well, you're younger than those people that found him.

The Kents? That old fart?

So what?

Yeah. Look on the bright side. You may be 40, but you're still acting like a 12

-year -old.

I haven't told you the worst part.

Look.

Ear hair.

Oh.

You sure you're only 40?

Anybody seen those

fraternity guys?

Sorry, dude. We're the janitors.

How about up here?

No, but they're around here someplace.

My sixth sense tells me.

See?

When did you acquire the other five?

We scratched Mel off the guest list.

Oh, that's too bad.

Guess we might as well forget about the party.

No. No, I think we should go ahead and give Harry the best party we know how.

All right, everybody, put on your happy faces.

This is my happy face.

Okay, I'll go get the gifts.

Thanks for trying to cheer me up, guys. I guess I'll just go home and wallow in

my misery.

Oh, no, sir, you can't go home.

Why not?

Well, because... you're not happy enough to drive.

Then I'll call a cab.

Oh, sir, wait.

Oh, for Pete's sake, the reason that you can't go home is because we have a

surprise party for you in your office.

Really?

Really?

Well, gee, guys, I don't know what to say.

Say you'll go to the damn party so we can get home before dawn.

Oh, what the heck. It's probably just what I need. Okay, surprise me. Here we

go. Ready? One, two, three.

Surprise!

Gee,

guys, you shouldn't have.

You've been scavenged, sir. I'll go call security.

I can't believe it. They took everything.

Uh, not quite everything.

They took the frame and they left the picture?

What's happening to America's youth? This country has no future.

Oh, darn.

You started the party without me.

But I must say, I like the theme.

Plenty of room for leapfrog.

Sorry, buddy, I'm not much in a party mood now.

Ah, so we understand.

It's been a rough day.

But don't forget, every cloud has a silver lining. It's always darkest

the dawn.

A lot of stuff like that.

Dan, we have a friend in pain. He needs our support.

Oh, that's okay.

I'd rather be alone.

Well, okay, Harry, if that's really the way you want it.

I understand, sir.

Happy birthday, anyway.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Harry.

I'll just leave your presents here, where the couch used to be.

That's a shame.

I had a real treat planned.

All I had to do was yell, Surprise!

He's not in the mood.

Buddy,

I didn't know you spoke Chinese.

Was that Chinese?

I bet that could explain that picture of me bowling with Chiang Kai -shek.

Well, Mel, you're all I got left.

What do you think?

How about happy birthday?

Mel!

Hey, looks like I missed the garage sale, huh?

Yeah, long story.

What the heck are you doing here?

Well, your friend Christine convinced me that I ought to give you another

chance.

Does that mean you actually like me?

No.

But I no longer want you dead.

Not everyone can say that.

Well, anyway, you must have some redeeming qualities if your friend would

this much trouble for you. Yeah, I got terrific friends.

Go figure.

Hey, look at this.

Hey, I haven't seen one of these in a long time.

Oh, yeah, it must be one of my birthday presents.

Oh, great.

Well, all the best, Your Honor, and I'll see you around. You know, Mel, if this

works, I'd love to take a picture of you. Well, look, I really have to go

now. No, no, just take a second. I've just got to find the shutter release.

other time would be... Oh!

Oh! You idiot!

You blinded me! Well, gee, Mel, I'm sorry.

You're always sorry.

Mel! Just leave me alone!

only momentarily in a body cast to cancel the concert and say something

owing his life to a Chinese dragon.

He followed that with a confusing remark about strangling a judge.

He just said a judge.

That doesn't necessarily mean me.

Don't sell yourself short, son. I'm sure he meant you.

Gee, Harry, I'm so sorry your 40th birthday wasn't more successful.

Well, that's all right, Christine.

I'm beginning to figure that age is really a state of mind, you know? I

after all, how many 20 -year -olds can do this?

How many would want to?

Sir, they caught those kids that took your stuff in that scavenger hunt.

Great. Where is it?

They put it back in your office.

All right.

They also said to let them know if you're still missing anything.

Okay.