Original subtitles

It is my opinion that repeated prosecution of those labeled deviant can

in stigmatization, thus perpetuating the cycle of antisocial behavior.

Fascinating. Mr. Fielding.

Mr.

Fielding. What? Huh?

Oh, sorry.

Anybody find out where that awful droning song is coming from?

No. Now, just where do you stand on capital punishment?

Well, I say, why give murderers a chair when this bozo can bore them to death?

And that's all the time we have for this week's Face the Issues.

Gee, Dad, how'd you get to be on a neat show like that?

I met the producer at a gathering of fellow professionals.

You told me you picked her up at a singles bar on tequila fizz night.

All right, but she still wouldn't have had me on the show if I hadn't impressed

her with my charm -poison -magnetic personality.

So you two haven't actually slept together.

Before this gets personal, what do you say we go start session?

Guys, guys, guys, wait, wait, wait.

Want to hear a tape of my baby?

Sounds like he's doing a drum solo on your kidneys.

That's his heartbeat, sir.

Well, he sure is a high -strung little sucker.

No, that's normal, Roz.

Gosh, it is so exciting knowing that there's a real live little person

inside me.

Yeah, at least you got some warning.

Imagine that poor guy an alien.

There he was having a little spaghetti with friends when kapow!

This slimy reptile came bursting out of his stomach, dragging the guy's

intestines behind him.

What did I say?

And so, Mr. Taylor, for practicing taxidermy without a license, I'm going

fine you 200 bucks, plus whatever it costs to restore Mrs.

Hudson's late poodle to his original appearance.

And that's lunch.

Scarf it down and hope it stays.

Don't worry. The two of you can still have hours of fun.

Ah, Margo, what a surprise.

Christine, this is Margo Hunter, the producer of the TV show I was on. Oh,

nice to meet you.

Christine is our expectant little mommy.

Really? Yeah.

I'm so sorry.

So, Dan, have you got a minute?

Yeah, sure, but that means no foreplay.

Oh, man, not now.

As if I didn't have enough to do.

Mac, it's just one file.

I take it downstairs myself, but, gee, I'm the judge.

No, no, no, no, no. Personnel wants me to do another one of those stupid

manpower surveys.

Again? Yeah, and I'm supposed to start my vacation in five days.

Well, relax, Mac.

You know, I just do my job, you know. I don't complain. I don't ask for

anything. Just good old happy Mac. And I guess nobody thinks I need a vacation.

Trust me. We all want you to have your damn vacation.

talk to Joyce down in Personnel. I'll tell her all this paperwork is a crock

hooey. We'll send her a box of chocolate -covered cherries and voila.

Well, thanks, Eric, because to tell the truth, this trip is more important to

Kwan Lee. We're going on what you might call a religious pilgrimage.

Where are you going, Jerusalem?

Graceland.

So exactly why do you want to pull the plug on Face the Issues?

Because I want to replace it with something better, something tough.

Gritty. Controversial. And I want you to host it.

Moi?

Think about it, Dan.

Who watches late night television?

Offhand people with no chance of getting lucky.

Right. I want you to be a mouthpiece for that poor lonely guy who thinks he

doesn't count. I want you to tap into his infinite rage.

To be his champion. What do you say?

Champion. I like that.

You know, I've always felt I had something important to say about life.

You think I'd get my teeth bonded and write it off?

Absolutely.

Then I'm your guy.

This is fantastic.

We are ready to roll as soon as we line up some guests.

Oh, God.

I'm so excited. I can hardly breathe.

Well, maybe I should loosen some of that restrictive clothing for you.

Sorry, Dan. I never fool around during pre -production.

Need your signature on these warrants.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, I guess this time tomorrow you're going to be peeking through those gates

at Graceland. Yeah.

Actually, Quan Lee got us the VIP tour package.

No. Yeah.

Really? Uh -huh.

Tomorrow we get to see a collection of Elvis' concert towels and an exhibit of

his dental x -rays.

You think I wasted all that money going to Rome? Yeah.

Judge Stone.

Hi, Joyce. What is it?

I have to return your chocolate -covered cherries, Judge.

He broke me.

Huh? Mr. Dix, my supervisor, he wanted to know why your manpower survey wasn't

in, and, well, frankly, I'd run out of excuses.

I had to resort to, um... the truth!

Uh -oh.

And now he's gonna fire me unless Robinson has this survey on my desk in

days. Harry, there's at least 40 hours of work there.

Don't panic, folks. I'm sure I can reason with Mr. Dick. Oh, no, no, no.

You'll think I put you up to it. Joyce, why don't you let me handle this?

Why don't you just get off your butts and do the stinking survey?

Oh, Christine, have I got a surprise for you.

You had yourself spayed?

That's exactly why I want you to be a guest on my first show tonight.

Who backed out?

All right, all right. Some flaky environmentalist with a lame excuse

to wash off some oily ducks.

You know, talk about selfish. Ain't it the truth?

Listen, Margot's talking about postponing the show unless I find

would consider it a personal favor.

Oh, gee, I don't know.

TV? Come on, we'd be great together.

You think so? Absolutely. Two friendly adversaries debating the essential

of our system of justice.

Oh, well, all right.

It might be interesting.

Anyway, I'm flattered that you think of me as a worthy advocate.

Absolutely.

Oh, wear a short skirt.

Come on, Miss Sullivan, you can tell us. Surely you've had clients you regretted

defending.

Well, once there was this young man, and he was brought in for shoplifting some

gum. And I knew he was innocent.

So I used everything in my arsenal to get him off, and I did.

And when I turned to say goodbye, I smelled spearmint on his breath.

And I knew I'd been had.

Well.

You never know, do you?

Well, what?

A what?

Oh, now?

Okay. We'll be right back with more In Your Face right after this commercial.

This is fun!

Dan, can we talk a moment?

Yeah, sure. Excuse me, Christine?

Sure.

So, how we doing?

You tell me.

We're just getting rolling here. Well, where is the drive?

Where is the...

in the singles bar that tossed beer nuts down my blouse.

I remember.

Dan, I want you to crank up the heat.

I want you to sizzle. I want you hot and lathered like a racehorse.

Now, get out there and take off the gloves.

In five, four, three, two, we're back with defense attorney...

Christine Sullivan.

You know, Dan, as long as we're talking about interesting cases, there was

something I was hoping we could talk about. You know, Miss Sullivan, why

we just cut to the chase?

What? Do you always walk around the courtroom with your skirt flapping open

that?

Dan.

I mean, not that I blame you. I mean, every lawyer, you've got to use whatever

edge you can get. I mean, I can't fault you for using your sexuality.

Oh, how do you know I never use my sexuality?

Oh, no?

How do you suppose she got pregnant?

were here to talk about my job, not my private life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

She's right.

She's right. If anything, we should be proud of her to be able to carry on a

career at the same time starting a family.

Thank you. You're very welcome. I just have one question.

How much bigger can those puppies get?

I knew it. I never should have got my show. I just knew this.

She's right.

I shouldn't have called them puppies.

I should have called them St.

Bernard's!

Oh, Miss Sullivan, I was wondering if you'd have a mind filling out the

questions on this survey?

What do they want to know? When I'm in court, do I purposely wiggle my bottom?

No, but there's room at the end for any additional comments.

Sorry, sir. I was publicly humiliated on Dan's show last night.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, Mac and I were working so hard we didn't get a chance

watch. What happened?

I don't want to talk about it. Oh, now, Miss Sullivan, you know, you're really

too hard on yourself. I'm sure everyone saw you as a poised and confident

professional.

Frank. Hey, Frank.

What's left in the pool?

Let's see, I can give you 36C or 38DD.

Definitely. Double D.

And finally, what one problem within your department contributes most to job

stress?

Well, I've always felt our uniform inseam rides a little high.

Harry, we're never going to finish this.

Sure we are, Mac.

You just got to say, we're saving Joyce's job. Come on, say it.

We're saving Joyce's job. Again. We're saving Joyce's job.

We're saving Joyce's job.

We're saving Joyce's job. Stop. We're saving...

This is why I'm missing the lovely, tender, super deluxe dream package?

So you two can have cheerleading practice?

Hey, Kwan Lee, we're just taking a little motivational break.

Oh, you want motivation?

Get your buns in gear!

What are you doing, dear?

Just showing Harry what we're missing on our vacation.

Right now, I'm supposed to be floating in the guitar -shaped hotel pool,

listening to the speakers play Rock -A -Hoola Baby.

Kwan Lee?

Kwan Lee?

Don't you think you're going a little overboard on this Elvis guy? I mean, he

was just a singer.

Oh, so the king of rock and roll was just a singer.

What about your precious golden frog?

That's Velvet Fog. And besides, Mel Torme is the greatest jazz vocalist in

history of mankind.

Oh, well, let's just see how Mr.

Jazz Guy flies.

Next question, Roz.

Approximately what percentage of your day do you spend in actual physical

contact with prisoners?

Would this include the roughing up I might do on my own time?

Here's mine, sir. Now, I know you're up against the clock, so I didn't bother to

check the punctuation.

Well, you can do anything, but lay off of my blue suede shoes. Blue, blue. Blue

suede shoes.

Blue, blue.

Sir, is there any particular reason why Quan Lee is dancing in your office?

She's not in my office.

She's at a disco in Memphis.

See, guys, I thought I'd go down and catch Dan's show.

Anybody want to come along?

You'd have to drag me, kicking and screaming.

Sorry, but I'm late as it is.

I'm hoping to get a seat in the front row so Mom can see me on TV.

Aren't you missing a letter there, Bull?

I'm not that stupid.

Well, it sure sounds like Dan pulled a number on you last night. Yeah.

But there is a small consolation. I'm sure my walking off the show has made

be a little bit more sensitive to his guest's feelings.

You disgust me!

Where do you come up with this sick, perverted garbage?

But, Dan... I'm merely calling for more humane treatment of prison inmates.

Oh, yeah? And what do we say to that?

I got a holding cell full of street vermin, you're welcome to walk in there

say, hey, anybody need a hug?

That might be an idea worth trying.

Oh, yeah? Well, I say it's an idea that deserves the barf!

willing to admit there's a minute chance that I could be wrong.

If you're one of those blockheads who think so, hit the beef box.

I love your show, Mr.

Fielding.

Great. Good to know we're a big hit in the mutant community.

Come on, Bob. Talk or walk?

I just wanted to say that I agree with Father McCally.

Oh, you do, do you?

Well, in my experience with prisoners, a pleasant and safe environment reduces

hostility and the desire to escape.

Or is that just with turtles?

Why don't you get out of here and go back to your salt lick?

You heard him, Mellon Ball.

Take a hike.

Hey, leave him alone.

Who are you, his keeper? If so, I'd suggest a stronger leash.

I don't even know the guy, but I... What?

I just don't think anybody should be treated like that.

Do we have a doctor in the house who got a man down here with a bleeding heart?

Listen, pal, I got a few words for you. Oh, yeah? Well, here, wait. Tell it to

my complaint department.

Better smile while I'm TV.

Thanks for staying with me, Bull. You didn't have to.

What, and pass up the chance to see a nose drained?

I know you would.

Oh, hi, Dan.

Oh, hi, Christine.

So did you stay to work late or just gloat?

Oh, Deb, please.

It's a gloat.

Thanks for the sympathy. I get pulverized by some violent, maniacal,

deviant. He's a pediatrician.

A what?

A pediatrician. They just booked him downstairs.

Well, he's a vicious pediatrician.

And a Quaker.

He's never been in a fight in his life.

Oh, so I see. Somehow this is my fault.

Oh, come on, Dan. Get real.

Haven't you ever listened to the trash that comes out of your mouth?

Like what?

Like the constant insults you're always hurling at me for being prudish or hairy

for being old -fashioned or bull for being bull.

My God, there isn't anyone who's safe around here.

Well, rise.

All right, so occasionally I may take a cheap shot.

The truth is, I can't help it. Oh, of course you can.

No, I can't.

You see, most people have this little filter in their brain that stops them

saying rude things.

I was born without one.

That is ridiculous.

No, it's true. Like, right now, most people would know it's inappropriate to

to a pregnant woman, look on the bright side, you're missing your monthlies.

Good God, Dan.

You see?

No filter.

Dan, you have a filter. You just don't want to use it.

Oh, really?

Why is that, Dr. Sullivan?

So that you can continue to behave any way you want.

Dan, sometimes you go too far.

And people get very angry.

Because they're hurt.

Dan! Thank God I found you.

Margo, don't worry. The nose will be fine.

Nose? Oh, that.

All right, no, Dan. I came to tell you that the phone at the station hasn't

stopped ringing. Dan, we're a major hit.

This is my idea.

We make a physical attack on you, a part of every show.

Beg your pardon?

We surround you with an entire security force, you know, to give the impression

that everyone is gunning for you.

Finally, the guards can't control it any longer. We have to put you in one of

those glass bubbles, like that guy in Rome.

Oh, what's his name? Oh, you know, with the funny hat.

The Pope?

Right!

keep me in suspense.

What do you think?

It sounds like you want me to be in charge of a nightly riot.

Who better?

I have never seen anyone with such a knack for bringing out the worst in

So I've learned.

Count me out.

What? I quit.

I don't want to be the ringmaster for your sick little circus.

Well, you know something, Fielding?

I was wrong about you.

You don't have the acorns to reach for the brass ring.

Oh, really?

Well, I've got a few observations of my own.

You're a world -class manipulator with not one shred of conscience.

Well, I don't have to listen to this.

You also make love with all the warmth and sensuality of a Coke machine.

Yeah, maybe.

Well, Christine, I'm going to miss it, though I did love the spotlight.

Ah, come on, Dan. Cheer up.

What do you say we go out and get something to eat? I have this incredible

craving for grapefruit and nachos.

I know just the place.

Oh, listen, by the way, the lawyers in the boo pool, they wanted me to get a

measurement.

All right, that's it. I'm done.

Finally, now we could say... We'll salvage what tiny shreds remain of our

vacation. Yeah.

Not so fast, little mama.

I've been feeling like I've been old when you won.

This one's for you.

Donaldson could do a better Elvis.

Come on, Mac.

Some chest hairs might help.