Original subtitles

Okay, Bull, then.

You light the magic pan with a flourish.

Wow!

Wow! Cover and let simmer for ten seconds.

Say the magic words. Hocus pocus, fish bones chocus, and voila!

Mystery pigeon.

Boy, that's great. A magic trick that plops on your windshield.

You practice the way I showed you, and I promise you're going to be the hit of

the Bailiff's Talent Show.

Thank you, sir.

Anything would be better than the humiliation I suffered last year.

What? You? Did something to humiliate yourself?

He played Louie Louie on a nose flute.

He had to give refunds to the people in the first two rows.

Whoa. Good thing I'm not driving.

See you after court.

Oh!

Miss Sullivan?

Was that a goodbye kiss or was he taking a throat culture?

Sorry about that.

He's Italian.

So, Miss High Fashioned.

You and Detective Giuliano have been seeing a lot of each other lately.

Yes, we have.

Although it seems like every time we go out, Tony ends up arresting somebody.

Well, you know, threesomes can be fun, too.

Believe me, it's hard to be romantic when there's a flasher handcuffed in

backseat. Gives new meaning to dinner and a show.

But tonight is going to be different. After session, Tony and I are going to

celebrating our one -month anniversary.

Aww.

Imagine that. Has it been a month already?

What is the traditional gift for that?

Mulch?

Sir, I think I have a slight problem with your trick.

Problem?

I lit the fire, I said the magic words, but it didn't seem to work.

What'd you get?

And as much as I appreciate your creativity, Leslie, I'm afraid that your

talents don't really fit the technical definition of street performer.

$50 fine for a silent solicitation.

You know, most guys prefer a little noise.

See, Ross?

You know, the Bailiff Talent Contest is next week, and I could sure use an

assistant. Forget it. There's no way I'm going to hold your nose flute.

No, I'm doing magic this time, and I'm determined to show off that Bailiff

Hoover. That prima donna wins every year.

Wasn't he the guy who played Rhapsody in Blue on five instruments at the same

time?

Yeah, if you're going to count the saxophone as an instrument.

Look, Bull, I want to put this as gently as possible.

You don't have talent.

Well, come on, Roz. Now, anybody can do magic tricks. Look at Harry.

What do you say? Help me out.

I even got you a costume.

You'll wear that before I do.

Yes, the verdict. Who are our next contestants, Matt? Yes, sir.

It's two sisters from the borough of Manhattan.

Let's welcome Lana and Vanna Anders.

Those are the sisters who write those advice columns. Dear Lana and Ask Vanna.

Why are they here?

Disturbing the peace.

request a raincoat?

What's the problem here, Counselor? Well, sir, it seems that the human

sprinklers here have been feuding for years, and when they were both

accidentally booked at the same luncheon, a vicious fight ensued.

You know, you guys were lucky to be wearing the protective headgear.

Sir, in light of the fact that this is basically a family matter, we ask that

you drop the charges.

Well, how am I supposed to do that? I don't even know who started the fight.

Sir, we're expecting a witness momentarily who can identify the guilty

Okay, then we'll hold the case over till the witness arrives.

Let's have some lunch.

Excuse me. I just wanted to say thank you.

I read in your column once that men never buy the cow if they can get the

for free.

I've always followed that advice.

Say, you might want to rethink that, sweetie.

You're not exactly a calf anymore.

dress, Christine.

Oh. So where are you and Tony going on this big date?

Well, I made reservations at a very fancy French restaurant.

Yo, Sullivan.

Which one? Shakespeare's?

Oh, not again.

I'm sorry. I got a feeling for Detective Lawrence. He got stung by a bee and

swelled up like the Michelin Man.

Oh, it took me forever to get those reservations.

There'll be other restaurants.

Can I even arrange to have the harpist play your favorite song?

Hey, I can hear shaft any time.

Have an evening out that doesn't end with up against the wall and spread

You know what I mean.

Look, I'm not thrilled about this either.

Look, the whole time I'm in that dumpster, I'll be thinking about you.

Now come here. I can't.

You have boogers on your vest.

They're not real.

Six of hearts?

Seven of hearts?

Eight of hearts?

Nine of hearts?

Bull, Harry, you've got to give me a chance.

Let's just say that card tricks are not your forte.

We've got to come up with something, sir. Bailiff Hoover's act is going to be

much bigger this year.

Bull, the man can't play any more instruments. He's only got so many

Yeah, but I heard he's having a special pair of pants made and he's adding a

rhythm section.

Okay, then.

In that case, I have just the thing.

It's flashy, it's a crowd -pleaser, and it's so simple, a monkey can do it.

Are we talking a train monkey?

We're talking anyone.

Well, how'd you like to try out a straight jacket?

Sure, I can wear anything as long as it's cut big enough in the rear.

Here, those palsy ones are there.

I'm glad to see somebody's finally checking the suggestion box.

Yes, I know the corner table is the jewel of your restaurant.

I know, I know. It's awfully late to cancel, and I'm really... Oh, yeah?

Well... Vous êtes un grand capot, oh, yeah!

Whoa, that sounded rough. What did you call him?

Big Stinky Toad.

Wet armchair.

Got the big dates off, huh?

Oh, Mac, all I wanted was one special evening. But apparently that's too much

ask. I'm beginning to think this relationship isn't going to work.

You know, Christine, new relationships are like, well, new underwear.

They rub you the wrong way at first, and then they become real.

Would you two stop hovering around me like some nightmare chewing gum

commercial?

Say, Bob, if you've got a bone to pick, why don't you just come clean and spill

the beans?

Damn, what's your beef?

All right.

You want to know what my beef is? You two.

Giving advice to anybody on love and life. What could you possibly know about

sex?

committed adult for the purpose of procreation only.

That is sick.

The problem is I'm beginning to realize that Tony and I are worlds apart.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I mean, he's extroverted. I'm introverted. He's spontaneous.

I'm methodical. He likes to bowl. I won't wear rented shoes.

Well, you know, I think you picked a good one with Tony.

Well, you may be worlds apart now, but hey, look at me and Cornelie. When I met

her, she was playing the gong and milking a buffalo.

God, she was cute.

Excuse me, dear. I couldn't help overhearing, but a leopard doesn't

spots. Hand your guy his hat and call it quits.

Nix on that.

Hold on to your man.

Half a loaf is better than none.

Sullivan, I've been looking for you.

Don't blow it. Kiss him off.

Excuse me?

Oh.

Good news, Sullivan.

Detective Lawrence's hives went down.

That means I'm free.

Well, what difference does that make? I canceled everything.

So we'll go someplace else.

Oh, great. We'll roast some weenies over a garbage can.

Relax, I'll change.

We'll find something.

People dine.

Raccoons find something.

Maybe I'll come back later. I mistook you for someone that liked me. I've just

been thinking, that's all.

I feel it's time for us to re -evaluate our relationship.

Again? Didn't we do that last week?

No, we took stock. We didn't re -evaluate.

What was that Cosmo test you made me fill out?

Oh, that was completely different. That was their yearly tune -up for couple.

You know what your problem is?

You spend too much time thinking about this relationship and not enough time in

it. And your problem is you spend all your time at work and no time thinking

about this relationship.

You know what? You don't want me. You want some guy who quit his job so he can

watch Phil Donahue.

Oh, yeah.

And you know what you want? You want some cop groupie whose idea of a great

night out is watching a lineup and guessing which guy did it.

You got two out of three.

I don't even know why we're discussing this. We're obviously from two different

worlds. Mine's Earth. I don't know where you're from.

You know, I don't need this kind of talk. Hey, I don't need any of this.

Well, fine.

Then why don't we just forget the whole thing? Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.

a question.

She's crazy.

Miss Sullivan, I presume?

She just broke up with me.

I thought things were going great with you guys. They were. Then bada -bing,

turns on me like a pit bull.

Granted, a great -looking pit bull.

Ah, women.

Can't live with them.

Can't do most positions without them.

Never fails.

You're in a relationship long enough, women will always invent a problem.

You know, Tony, that's why I... try to end things before breakfast.

Yeah, well, it'll drive you screwy if you don't know how to handle them.

You've had a lot of experience, Judge.

Me? Huh.

Me?

Women are drawn to men in powerful positions like mine.

Drawn.

Yeah, if I had a dime for every woman. You can make a phone call.

But it'd be a long phone call.

Oh, I never want to see him again. He's cocky, he's inconsiderate, he's self

-centered. Man, who needs him? Right.

Of course, it's hard to get your caboose rattled without one.

to care for them and they walk all over you with no regard for your feelings.

Why do we put up with them?

I'll tell you why.

It's late at night when the chips are down.

Who else are you going to get to kill a spider?

Then there was Bertie Lila the lumberjack.

Living among the trees had made her strange.

But guys, until you've made love in a log flume...

Thrills are not what women are after. Hey, this is not so cheap I had to buy

a flannel shirt and a jug of syrup.

Well, Miss Sullivan is not the kind of woman that you've had experience with.

Oh, really?

You would be surprised how far I've gotten with our public defender?

In your dreams, Fielding.

Oh, yeah?

Then how do I know that she has a birthmark on her upper right...

Because you sit across from her and you drop your pencil every five minutes.

I was just asking.

Now, I, on the other hand, I have a rapport with Miss Sullivan that is not

unlike... Lassie had with Timmy.

So, what I'm hearing here is that neither of you guys have gotten anywhere

this lady. Hey, nobody gets nowhere with Christine Sullivan.

You mean as long as you've known her, she's never had a serious relationship

with any guy?

Well, let's see. Would that include her father?

What is she, afraid of men or something?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, that has to be it, doesn't it? I mean, of course, you

know.

I mean, you didn't get past first base either, did you?

Second base?

Third?

I gotta go.

How's the trick for the talent show coming, Bull?

Not as good as I'd hoped.

Any suggestions?

Don't reproduce.

Come on, Ross.

You gotta help me.

Oh, all right, if you're gonna snivel.

I could swing one pretty good.

Oh, you're not going to be swinging it.

Then they both picked up stalks of celery and started swatting each other.

Most abusive use of garnishes I've ever seen.

I see. So they both started the fight.

Oh, for Pete's sake. Mr. Lifton is obviously prejudiced against my clients.

I wouldn't be surprised if he had a long history of problems with women.

No, I don't.

Liar.

Miss Sullivan.

Your Honor, go easy on her. I think maybe she's having her monthly visit

Mr. Cranky.

Dan Fielding, that is the crassest, crudest, most outrageous thing anybody's

ever said to me.

I think you're right.

Well, ladies, I'm going to have to find you both guilty, but I would consider

dismissing the fines if you two would think about making up.

Over my dead body.

You know, those fines could add up to more than $500.

You know, sis, you're looking better to me all the time.

Why did we ever start feuding in the first place?

Jealousy?

You were the pretty one.

Say, I'm getting teary, dearie.

Oh, that's pretty much what it's all about, isn't it, sir?

Not for me, Mac. I'm in it for the power and the free robes.

Adjourned.

Hey, say, Judge, would you mind giving us a hand? Our hair is stopped.

Hey, Sullivan, I need to talk to you for a few minutes.

Why? I thought we broke up.

Just come with me. It's important.

If it's so important, why don't you just get a warrant for my arrest?

You got a warrant for my arrest?

Oh,

I bet you thought that would be so... cute. I would just forget about

and fall back into your arms. You know, you've got... Hey!

You've got the right to remain silent.

Use it.

He arrested her.

What a lame way to pick up a woman.

Yeah.

Can I do that, Harry?

Come on, Solve. It'll just take a minute. I can save you some time. I've

the roof.

Just stop arguing and look.

Oh, my.

This is just like Lady and the Tramp.

Who are these people?

Oh, my kid did time for auto theft.

I put Eddie here away for forgery.

And Vinnie, the accordion player, went to jail for playing the accordion.

Why did you go to all this trouble?

Because I wanted to show you how badly I felt about ruining the night.

Oh, I guess I overreacted, too. You know, I should have known better.

Cosmo said you had hidden sensitivity.

We'll just leave Cosmo out of this for a while. I think we've got bigger things

to talk about.

You want a taste of Keanu, man?

Hey, Mike, we're talking here. Taste it yourself.

I guess he never heard of privacy.

Is it true, Sullivan, that you've never had a serious relationship with any guy?

I'm a detective. I figure things out.

What's going on here?

Shh. We're listening to the two lovebirds on the roof.

Hey, Sullivan, you still haven't answered my question.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves. That's a private

Get out of here.

Well, pardon us for living, but the graveyard's full.

The nerve of those people.

Relationships have to do with anything.

Well, I just figured with all your tests and your surveys, you probably

overanalyzed them, too.

Jeez, you make me sound like some kind of statistics analyst.

I saw your graph.

It was just a projection.

The point is, we might not look so good together on paper, but sometimes you

just gotta trust your feelings.

It's not as easy as you make it sound.

But it's not that tough.

Let me show you.

Hey, New York, I'm crazy about this lady.

Now you.

I know people in this city. Sullivan.

Okay.

Hi, New York, I like this guy.

Now shut up and go to sleep.

Hey, shut up yourself.

Well, that's a start.

Yeah, maybe I could afford to let my guard down a little bit.

If only I knew where this was going. Hey, there were no guarantees.

Might be a hell of a ride.

What do you say?

Could I just re -evaluate one more thing?

What?

I think they're kissing.

Either that or the shrimp are especially succulent.

No, they're kissing.

I'd say lips about a half inch apart, tongues engaged, teeth slightly

What the hell are you doing?

Dan? Dan, feel and get away from that vent this instant.

No, cleaning ladies, sweeping, mopping, much work.

We're out of the ballgame, pal.

What do you think, maybe you'd let me pitch in once in a while?

Great idea, Ross.

No one's going to top this.

Stop moving, Bull, or you're going to die.