Original subtitles

Wait, wait, wait. I'm not done.

Why don't you buy your own newspaper?

I don't want to get that poisonous ink all over my hands while I'm eating

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you.

Hey, the gang's all here. Come on, I'll introduce you. Oh, I have to make a

quick phone call first. Over there.

Hey, guys.

Hi, Harry.

So, Harry, who's that with the great sweater meat?

Her name's Pamela Hammond. She's a reporter doing an article on our court.

told her we'd help her in any way we could.

I'm thinking about a half dozen ways right now.

She happens to be a very intelligent and successful woman.

Well, it's nice to know that there's someone around who is man enough to

women with respect.

Oh, please. You two have the sex drive of Ken and Barbie.

If anybody knows about having sex with plastic people, it's you.

Hey, Pamela.

This is... Dan Fielding. And several people you really don't have to worry

about.

We'll go by the names of Christine Sullivan, Roz Russell, and Mac Ross.

Judge Stone has told me all about you.

Too bad, Dan.

I've been telling Pam that in a high -stress job like ours, it's important to

have competent people around to make things easier.

Hi, guys.

Oh,

no, Your Honor.

I'm just having one of those dreams where you show up to work in your

This isn't a dream, Bo.

Pamela, I thought maybe I'd like to take this opportunity to give you a little

background information on myself for your article.

Dan, I should tell you the focus of my story is on Judge Stone.

I see.

So it's going to be a short piece.

However, in the unlikely event your name should come up, I'll make every effort

to see it spelled correctly.

You're abusive.

I like that.

Au revoir, mon chéri.

Ah, Pamela, I think that I should warn you.

Dan is not what he seems to be.

He seems to be the kind of guy who would hit on anything in his skirt.

All right, then he is what he seems to be.

Hey, Matt, hit me with your best shot. Yes, sir. Call People vs.

the Conkle Brothers.

to you, too.

Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The defendant is charged with juggling flaming shish

kebabs on the street without a license.

I hope that law doesn't apply to kielbasa.

Miss Sullivan, how do your clients intend to plead to this illegal use of a

Slavic meat dish?

They claim diplomatic immunity, sir. Huh?

Well, according to their passports, they are exiled royalty from Buldavia.

I am Prince Havel, and these are my brothers, Prince Bled.

And Prince Poopa.

Guys mind hoeing downwind?

I'm sure I learned this in the sixth grade, but where the heck is Baldavia?

It's half an alp on the rear end of Yugoslavia, sir.

Principally known for being unknown.

But we will fix that by becoming big stars on that Sullivan show.

Just like beetles and red buttons.

I hate to break this to you, but Ed Sullivan is dead.

Eddie Kroplotsky?

Now how can we raise dollars for the revolution?

Who's revolting?

I'll give you three hints.

Mac, this sounds like a job for the State Department.

I'm already on the phone, sir. Well, hold over the case until then.

Roz, Bull, would you please keep an eye on their hoinesses here?

Let's go, fellas.

I will never tell you, you big, beautiful woman who bounces when she

Nobody who lived.

And let's take lunch, people.

Miss Hammond, if you like, we can continue our discussion in my office.

Pamela, I didn't want you to get me wrong. I mean, Harry is well worth

about. I mean, there's a reason he's called the Jerry Lewis of jurisprudence.

just thought before you commit yourself, you'd like to talk to some of my co

-workers and find out about the real me.

Oh, I already have, Dan. In fact, several secretaries mention that you dye

chest hairs.

I do not.

It's just a rinse.

up before you start sweating on it.

You have it backwards, my large bald friend.

We juggle to pay for food.

Oh, gee, fellas, we don't do it that way here. You need money.

But we have none.

We will starve to death like rats with gum disease.

But who needs food when we can pig out on the beauty of the siren of the

slammer?

May we sit here and hit on you?

As long as I can hit back.

So how do you answer those who say that your magic tricks diminish the court's

dignity? Oh, well, my reputation as a trickster is really over -exaggerated.

fact of the matter is, I hardly ever do those things anymore.

Oh, that's a shame. I was really hoping to see you do a trick.

Oh, well, in that case...

Yeah, I figure if I can lighten the load of some guy on his way to the big

house, why the heck not, huh?

Oh, I'm out of tape.

Excuse me a minute.

Harry Stone background?

Harry Stone in court? All these tapes are about moi?

No, I believe in doing my homework.

Harry, we have to talk. Oh!

I mean, Hammond, I forgot you were in here.

What is it, Dan?

We have to go over this Ferguson case right away, sir. You know, it's

that Judge Stone and I are in sync so we can give the matter all the attention

it deserves.

Dan, this is an ordinary flasher case.

Well, then it's open and shut.

I can't tell you how proud it makes me to serve justice. I could elaborate on

this over dinner.

That won't be necessary, Mr. Fielding.

Uh, sir, sir, I need you to sign these warrants again.

Oh, gee, Mac, why can't we get this done right the first time? Because you

signed them with disappearing ink.

Look, Harry, why don't you take care of that? I need to make a few phone calls,

and I'll be right back.

See you then.

Hey, what's this?

Judge Stone, tape three.

That's Pamela's research on me.

Really?

Why don't we see what she had to say about it? Hey, I wouldn't do that.

private property.

All right, fine, fine, fine. We'll just put it in here for safekeeping. We won't

listen to it, okay?

Spider!

Some are offended by Judge Stone's unorthodox style.

Dan! But there's no question of his qualifications.

Dan, turn that off now!

If only I weren't so shy, I'd tell him how much I love him.

Touch it and die.

under her skin, huh?

You would have thought the woman was so shy.

And blind.

Wait a minute, I got it. I know why she likes you, because you're safe. The same

reason women love puppies and George Burns.

Well, it is true that some women look for men that are non -threatening.

Hey, you guys can rationalize it however you like, but that doesn't change one

thing. She wants me.

Harry, I don't want to hear this.

Allow me to summarize.

While you're in your office putting together your naughty nurse jigsaw

I'm going to be here entertaining Pamela with the lights down and the

music up.

Because that's what the woman wants.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Let me get this. No, please. It's the least I can do.

Jessica Carrington, are you a fan of this, too? Oh, I know, I know, I know. I

don't like people knowing that I read romance novels, either. But between you

and me, I think she is terrific.

Ooh, passion plundered. Where'd you get this one? I've never seen it.

Can you keep a secret?

Yeah. I wrote it. Jessica Carrington's my pen name.

You're Jessica Carrington!

Why, Miss Carrington, it's a small world.

Come on, here, I want to talk to you.

I'm sorry, I just can't believe I'm talking to Jessica Carrington.

My God, where do you find the time to be a reporter and a novelist? Well, I

dictate in my spare time, and then I have it transcribed.

Why are we being so secretive?

You see, the books pay fine bills, but if anybody found out that I wrote them,

it would hurt my reputation as a serious journalist.

Ah, oh, of course, I perfectly understand. I mean, books can't be taken

seriously. They're just a mild diversion.

Angeline's going to be captured by terrorists again.

Oh, look at me. You must think I'm such a silly goof. Not at all. I'm flattered

that you like them.

Well, it's just that your characters are so real to me.

I can tell. You and I have a lot in common.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, I think only a woman knows what another woman really feels.

I mean, let's face it. A man would have no idea how to write something like

this. That's so true. I mean, most men I know aren't exactly what I would call

sensitive. Isn't that the truth?

I think that's why I prefer the company of women.

You know, I don't blame you. I mean, women are so much more considerate.

Scratch in public.

No, I mean, I really prefer women.

Oh.

Maybe if you'd like, later on we can get together and have a drink and talk.

Well, uh, that...

Certainly sounds like fun, but fortunately,

I am so busy. You wouldn't believe the amount of work I had to do. I mean,

there's so many cases that come through here.

Boy, is that slippery paper.

Christine, I apologize.

I've obviously made you feel very uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable? Oh, me? No, no, no.

Oh, please. I mean, it's no big deal. I mean, some women prefer men, and some

women prefer...

Non -men.

Exactly. I mean, it makes no difference to me that you're, you know... A

lesbian? Yes.

I hope you're not offended by the word.

You didn't say it.

Well, I better get back to my interview with Judge Stone.

Oh, Christine, I prefer that not everybody know my secret.

Oh, please, absolutely. I mean...

I think that anybody's sexual preference is nobody's business but their own.

No, no, no. I mean about being a romance novelist. I'm quite open about being

gay.

Right.

You see, there is Bodavia.

But only way to know its true beauty is to see for yourself.

Which brings me to next question.

Miss Ross, will you marry me?

I hope for your sake I didn't hear that right.

I know my nose is not as big as my brother Vlad's.

But I can give you big house, many sheep, and every night I will cover your

with hickeys.

I got a better idea. Why don't you cover one of the sheep with hickeys?

You must have heard about Cousin Yodel.

Dan, Dan, it's not as bad as you think.

Yes, it is, Mac.

Hey, he's a judge. He's clever, and I can see why a woman might like him.

I was with him.

He's just upset because Pamela's got a thing for Harry and not him.

Oh, no, she doesn't, Mac.

Trust me on this one.

Christine, she said our arms ache to hold him and caress his sinewy body.

Back, please.

Face it, Dan. It was right there on the tape.

The tape?

Yeah. It was on Harry's desk. It fell into his tape recorder.

I had nothing to do with it.

Oh, of course. That must be her... What?

Nothing.

Show something, Christine.

No, I don't.

Okay, yes, I do.

I know that she definitely wasn't talking about Harry.

But who was she talking about?

Mia.

Of course.

The only reason she was playing up to Harry was to get the interview.

Oh, Pamela, you sly little mink.

Promise to keep this to yourself and you stay away from Pamela.

All right, I promise.

Spill the beans.

She moonlights as a romance novelist. You were listening to the dictation of

latest book.

What? You mean that woman is into this mindless romantic drivel?

Who's this guy with the eye patch?

Oh, he's a former CIA agent who lost his eye while he was rescuing Angeline from

a Colombian drug lord.

Or so I've heard.

It's great.

And Harry's in there getting ready to make his big move on her.

Oh, my gosh. He is going to make a complete fool of himself.

Yeah.

Life is good.

And so, given the impersonal nature of the system, when someone comes before me

in my court, at that moment, in an odd way,

I am Lady Justice.

Harry, you have such a brilliant sense of humor. I can't tell when you're

kidding and when you're not.

I was kidding.

Definitely kidding.

Yeah, I kid, because it helps me relax at the end of a long day. That's one

Another is to play a little Mel Torme.

You mind?

Oh, no, no, I like Milt Ramey.

Isn't it romantic?

Music of the night.

Dream... Whoops!

Bulb must have blown.

Hope you're not afraid of the dark.

No, I'm not. It's just that I won't be able to see my notes very well. Well,

then... Perhaps I can be of some assistance.

Your Honor!

What?

I was wondering if you could do me a favor.

What is it?

I can only tell you over here.

I'm over here.

Trust me, sir. She doesn't like you.

Not that it's any of your beeswax. I just so happen to know she does.

Look, Harry, if this is important, we can always continue it tomorrow.

No, no, no, Pamela. In fact, Miss Sullivan was just ready to leave.

Weren't you?

Right. But first, I'd like to leave you a little note reminding you about that

favor.

I'm sorry about this, Pamela. We can pick up where we left off.

There you are, sir.

All right. Thank you very much, Miss Sullivan.

a lesbian i thought you said it was no big deal and i firmly believe that i was

just giving judge stone a piece of information then why did you use three

exclamation points well i just wanted to make sure he got the message i mean you

know how men are

show you a love you've only dreamt of.

Dan?

Dan?

What?

Lesbian? I thought you said she was a romance writer.

You told him? I was just trying to keep him off your back. Wait a minute. Slow

down here. Is she a lesbian or is she a romance writer?

She's both.

Where do you find the time?

Well, I mean, all that romantic stuff on the tape, it wasn't about me.

You listened to my tape?

Well, it was his idea.

It was on your desk. I don't believe this.

I thought I was coming down to a courtroom, not a junior high school.

Well, I've got a question for you.

Why do you get off looking like that and liking girls?

You're supposed to wear a flannel shirt and look like... Pete Rose.

I'd like to distance myself from that remark.

Yeah, yeah, me too.

I think that speaks for all of us.

Pamela, we behaved rather badly. I think we owe you an apology.

Oh, save it.

You know, it would serve you right if I focused my article on your adolescent

hijinks.

Oh, you wouldn't really do that, would you, Pamela?

I might be willing to make a deal.

Okay.

20 bucks.

No.

Here's the deal.

You don't tell anybody I'm a romance novelist.

And I won't write about what happened here today.

Well, that sounds pretty reasonable, doesn't it? Oh, absolutely. Say no more,

say no more.

Good.

And I'll be on my way.

Well, I think we handled that pretty nightly.

We were goon balls.

Yeah. Yes.

Sir?

Oh, sir.

Oh, go ahead and say it, Mac. I know you're dying to. It's probably all over

building now. Everybody's snickering behind my back.

Harry Stone turned the lights down and played Mel Torme for a lesbian.

Huh?

No, no. I just want to tell you the guy... from the State Department is here

about the Conkle Brothers.

Oh.

Good.

How about that other stuff? If you happen to hear it, ignore it. I don't

how those rumors get started.

Hi. Harry Stone.

T. Mark Fitch.

Acting Executive Assistant to the Vice Deputy Undersecretary for Central Balkan

Affairs. Whoa. It's tough to get all that on a business card.

All right. See you around the Conkle Brothers.

Yes, and their papers check out, Stone. They are the Boldavian royal family.

Wow. What's protocol in a situation like this?

You throw them on a plane and ship their butts back.

Fight! Back to fight for freedom of Boldavia!

Fight! You don't have to fight.

Yugoslavia kicked you out because they are tired of supporting your nation of

obnoxious freeloaders.

Brothers, let us sing the national anthem.

No, that's really not necessary.

Ah, don't worry about us. We have found a way to improve our gene pool.

Hey!

What was that?

Well, Judge, got to go.

Pleasure meeting you.

Hey, open this damn thing up! Is that Ross?

Couldn't be. She was napping in the veils lounge just a few minutes ago.

Well, hope you find her. V .C. Harvey let you know.