Original subtitles

$8 .95 for a whoopee cushion?

I remember a day when you could humiliate someone for under five bucks.

You don't have to tell me about the rising cost of inflatables.

Your Honor, your new stenographer's here.

Hi, I'm Tracy Knight.

Well, hi there, Tracy Knight. I'm Judge Harry Stone, and this is... Assistant

District Attorney Dan Fielding at your service.

Mr. Fielding, yes, I've heard a lot about you.

Oh, then my ads are working.

Come on, Tracy, I'll show you the courtroom.

Uh, wait up. There's a few things I want to show you myself.

Hey, Harry, you got a second?

For what, Mac? Well, Kwan Lee and I are thinking about maybe getting a little

retail business started, and she wanted to get your advice on it.

For some reason.

What are you thinking of selling?

These.

Oh, hey, great.

What is it?

Well, they're Vietnamese snack. Kwan Lee makes them from an old secret family

recipe. Oh, Mac, you know how tough it would be to get something like this out

on the market?

Well, I knew I could get a little involved.

Involved? Mac, you need cash.

For raw materials, labor, license fees, insurance.

Insurance? For these little crackers?

You're gonna need it. And there's competition. Mac, do you know how good

things would have to be for you to get investors?

$5 ,000 enough to get you started?

Therefore, I feel as though it's my duty to do everything I can to make it safer

for the women of New York.

You moving to Chicago?

Rosalind, you kidder.

So, Tracy, what do you say maybe we get together after the session, just the two

of us?

Dan, before this goes any further, let's get something straight.

I make it a strict policy never to date my coworkers.

Oh, so do I.

I hope you didn't misread my intentions. I merely meant if you have any

questions, maybe I could help answer them.

Oh. Well, that's awfully nice.

Maybe some other time.

See you later.

Toodles.

I'll have her in a week.

Needless to say, impersonating the vice president is a very serious offense.

That's a $200 fine, and would you tell the Secret Service agents they've been

watching the wrong guy?

That's recessed.

I gotta admit, you are a dead ringer for Walter Mondale.

We got a photographer waiting.

Photographer for what? For the promotions for our Mac Snacks.

What the hell is a Mac Snack?

That's the name I came up with for our new product. Pretty jazzy, huh?

Sounds stupid.

That's what they said about the Ding Dong.

Darn, things duck again.

Tracy, maybe I can give you a hand.

There you go.

You have been so helpful the last couple of days, Dan.

I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions about your intention.

How about letting me buy you a cup of coffee to make amends?

No, I don't think that's a very good idea. You know how rumors get started.

You mean, like, that one about you knowing the bra size of every woman in

building?

Is that scurrilous lie still being bandied about?

Oh, well, see, there's a prime example why our relationship should stay totally

professional.

What's with you, Dan?

You think maybe she's a guy?

It's obvious she's had some bad experiences with men. I think it

befriend her, earn her respect.

Then I'll take advantage of her.

It's nice to know in this ever -changing world that you'll always be your

disgustingly perverted self.

Count on me.

Chrissy?

Uncle Floyd?

to the big city?

Well, we just wound up our annual ball -bearing convention.

Ooh, I bet the networks were fighting to cover that one.

Actually, it was pretty exciting. As you know, our goal is a friction -free

America.

Well, I suppose you'll be heading back to Wichita now.

No, I get $100 off my airfare by staying a week. So, that couch of yours still

pulled out into a bed?

Huh?

Yes.

If I put the dining room table out on the balcony and I put the TV set into

fireplace... Great.

I'll wait for you in the back.

Like your new roomie.

That man is the biggest cheapskate alive.

Last time we had dinner together, he stole the ashtray off the table.

A lot of people take those from restaurants.

We're eating at my place.

Wow, is that a real metal detector?

Yep. Can I see how it works? Sure.

You got a quarter?

Right here.

Works every time.

Josh, can you do that again? Sure.

You got another quarter?

Hey, Matt, we're ready whenever you are. Oh, come on, Harry. Is this really

necessary?

Matt, I told you. It's important that Matt's next have a positive, healthy,

-American image.

But Nick's going to walk you right through it.

He'll make it easy. He's one of the tops in his field.

Okay? He's all yours, Nick.

Okay, now.

We want a big happy face for the camera, all right?

Harry.

Did I mention that Nick's a baby photographer?

What? He was having a special.

Oh, come on, Mac.

Sammy the Shutterbug says...

Nick's going to get a big surprise when I put semi -weather flash, don't you?

Gutting pig.

Frank?

What's wrong?

Oh, I just passed the construction site and those workers were hollering things

about every part of my anatomy.

Like what?

Oh, you know.

Nice legs, nice butt, nice bod.

Nice yabos that would make a Trappist monk scream, Yo!

Shake them, mother!

Well, no, they didn't say that.

Oh, well, from what I understand, it's pretty common.

Tracy, on behalf of all men, I apologize.

Well, thanks.

You know, I just wish all guys were as courteous and respectful as you.

Don't ever change.

All right, here's something.

How about going to the museum to see the currency exhibit?

I don't know.

It's free.

Yeah, but they'd want a donation.

Okay, maybe you have a suggestion.

Well, actually, I was thinking maybe we could get some lunch. I'm starving.

Oh, I'm sorry. I won't be able to join you. I've got to prepare for session.

Well, I wasn't that hungry.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Here's five dollars.

Thanks.

Can I get you anything?

Oh, yeah. As a matter of fact, I'd like a cup of coffee.

Sure.

What is so important that it can't wait? Trust me, Mac, you're gonna love this.

In case you forgot, I work in this building.

Sure, just like Clark works at the Daily Planet.

Harry, this is not at all what Quan Lee and I had in mind.

We wanted to sell him in the cafeteria.

Wrap him in a little cellophane. Maybe a bow.

Cellophane in a bow?

Yeah. Matt, that's pathetic.

Stone! Hey, Marv! Glad you could drop by.

Well, now, you make it worth my while. and it'll be my pleasure.

Marv, I want you to meet my partner, Mac Robinson.

Pleased to meet you, Robinson.

That you in the sissy outfit?

Yeah, you got a problem with that?

Excuse us a second, Marv. Mac.

What? You know who that is? That's Mini Mart Marv.

Mini Mart who?

Mini Mart Marv, the owner of over 600 of Marv's Metro Mini Marts. If he likes

Mac's snacks, he could order up to 1 ,000 bags.

1 ,000 a month?

A thousand a day.

Hello, Harvey!

Look, I'm not much for small talk, so why don't we just get right down to

business and suck down some of them Mac Snackers. Here we go, Mark.

Ooh, a nice package.

Not bad.

He likes them. Marvy likes them.

Not so passed on.

Anyone can enjoy the first band.

The real market is in multiple sales.

Hey, so how many do you need?

Five. Five?

The day I discovered marshmallow prune gooey, I ate 16 of them.

And I wanted for more.

Yeah. Let's show Marv that everyone likes Mac's next. Okay, yeah.

Rock, help us out.

Oh, gee, could I?

I'll take the lasagna.

It's good to eat where they know you.

30 cents for a bread roll.

Have you got anything a day old?

Have a snack, Floyd.

Why would I want those?

They're free.

Not anymore?

Well, that's it. How are we doing? We're doing great.

Okay, everybody!

likely something he ate.

Probably these.

He was sucking them down like a python in a bunny cage.

There you go. This is probably it.

Trust the boys in the morgue will let us know for sure.

Let's go, guys.

Matt, what the hell did you do to these things? The ones I ate the other day

were fine. I don't know. You had me up all night baking these things. I mean, I

was tired. Maybe I put in too much of Cornley's secret spice.

That secret spice by any chance come in a package with a picture of a dead roach

on it?

Don't start in on me, Harry.

Mac, you poisoned Minnie Mart Marr. Well, he'd still be alive if you hadn't

invited him down here. You're the one who made the snacks that were good to

last gasp.

Oh, you're the one. I know, I know.

Now,

in case you boys forgot, we passed out a few dozen of these death packs.

any of those Mac stacks loose.

And to avoid a panic, let's downplay the poison angle.

Right.

I'll just say they have razor -sharp edges that'll shred your intestines like

confetti.

Maybe even more subtle.

You're the boss.

for you.

For moi?

You're being such a gentleman.

You make me blush.

Those men you work with are always coming on to me or leering at me like

sexual object.

You know, that outrage is my feminine side.

You know, not that I'm a prude or anything. In fact, away from the office,

very physical woman.

You are?

Oh, yes.

When I'm with the right man, something just comes over me.

Oh. I lose all control and give in to mad lustful animal passions.

My mind says no, but my body says yes.

I am. I'm much better.

41, 42.

Oh, man, we're still six short.

We're gonna fry.

Mac, get a grip on yourself.

This was not premeditated. It was accidental death by snack.

Oh, yeah?

Tell me that when you're playing hard to get at the prison dance.

Here's all I can find.

Damn, there are still... two bags missing.

We're gonna fry.

Chrissy, I don't understand why you're so upset.

I have never been around anyone who found it necessary to steal toilet

Well, I didn't see any sign saying you had to use it here.

All right, Uncle Floyd, I'm gonna say something now in language I don't

use, but I can't help it.

Uncle Floyd!

there was anything wrong with being thrifty.

Look, maybe it would be better for our relationship if you were just to go home

now.

It'll cost me $100 to change my flight.

Oh, don't look at me. I've been picked to the bone.

Not as if I've been having a great time. The highlight of my trip has been this

free bag of snacks.

Why not?

Uh, no reason.

Floyd, why don't you just give me the bag?

Give you the bag?

Sir, would you mind telling me what's going on here? Chrissy, I'll handle it.

Fellas, you seem to want this bag pretty bad.

Let's be honest.

The snacks are poison.

If you eat them, you'll die.

Right.

really, he's telling you the truth.

Well, in that case, I could part with them for a small fee, say $50.

$50? Harry, why don't you just let him eat the snacks?

Because they're poison.

And?

Come back. I am like fruit on the vine. Without you, I will...

wiffle like a raisin.

Dan, you really don't mean that.

I don't? No.

The only reason you want me is because you can't have me. The truth is, you

don't even find me appealing.

Oh, yes, I do.

No, you don't. Trust me. You are not attracted to me, and I am not attracted

you. I'll show you.

Workers, we could have some fun then, huh?

Last call, Judge.

Fifty dollars.

I'm not paying fifty bucks for any lousy bag of puffed rice.

That's right, you're not, because the price just went up to a hundred.

Sounds fair to me.

Whose side are you on?

I'll make it up to you, but I'll just get him on a plane out of here.

him out clean from here, sir.

Come on. We need $200. Everybody pull your money.

How much you got?

Thirteen bucks and a coupon from Prang's Kickboxing Academy.

This is worth $20 and you get kicked by Prang himself.

I need a favor.

Not now.

important. I want you to fire me.

Don't be ridiculous.

Just for a couple of days.

An hour.

Fifteen minutes.

Dan, I have a real crisis here. I gotta come up with $200 now.

You're telling me. Mac, if I ever again say let's go into business, you stop me.

No matter what it takes, stop me.

Harry, we just got a call from the corner.

Mac Snacks didn't kill Marv.

What? It was cardiac arrest.

His arteries were clogged with marshmallow prune gooey.

We're back in business!

Don't worry.

This sort of thing will stop once they hit puberty.

is going to be smiling out of every lunchbox in America.

Oh, no, it's not.

What is it now, Mac? Well, what it is is we've got to get some stuff straight.

Such as? Such as. You may be my boss in court, but in the Mac Snack business, we

are partners.

Well, Mac, I admit I'm pathologically decisive. I'm not done talking.

Right. And you don't tell me to pose for photos without discussing it with me

beforehand. You're right there. You see what I mean?

And you don't design packages or displays without consulting me.

That sounds reasonable. And you don't bring in buyers without checking with me

first.

Now, if we're working together, it's going to be 50 -50 or nothing at all.

have you got that?

I think so.

Anything else? No. Now, get out of here.

get used to this sort of thing.

Ross, we'll be starting court in a minute.

Not until you find a new prosecutor.

You fired Dan, remember?

Oh, yeah.

Where is he now?

Guess.

Okay, Dan.

Joke's over. You're back on the payroll.

That's what he meant to be.

You okay, Dan?