Original subtitles

All right, Metrocosm, what's next?

Yes, sir. People versus Sasha Minkoff.

Not the Sasha Minkoff.

This is outrageous.

How dare you treat me like a common human being?

I am a star.

It is. It's her.

It's her. This is such a thrill. I must have seen you on Hollywood Squares a

hundred times.

Thank you, darling.

Of course, I only do TV between movies.

And I loved them both. Oh,

you are so kind and gorgeous.

Ah, thanks.

What brings the star of stage screen and the secret swearer to our humble little

court? Assault charge, Your Honor.

Miss Minkoff was arrested outside of Tiffany's beating on Mr. Kuderko with

roadkill here.

Police were called in.

She attacked them, too.

Police? You mean stormtroopers? Oh, Judge, darling.

They was brutal.

They put handcuffs on me.

They took my picture without letting me check my makeup.

Would somebody call Amnesty International right now?

Sir, my client claims she didn't attack Mr. Kuderko until he stole her diamond.

I didn't take her diamond.

Then what happened to it?

My dog ate it.

Here he is, Your Honor.

Cute little suspect, isn't he?

Oh, keep that beast away.

He jumped on me, nearly ruined my gown.

Well, maybe he thought Lassie here was in heat.

Henry was just being friendly, but her diamond fell off and he couldn't help

himself. He's got a craving for shiny things.

Are you going to take his word over someone who's been married to royalty

out of twelve times?

Sir, there is a way we can resolve this. If Henry did eat the diamond, all we

have to do is wait, and eventually he'll... Drop the big one?

Talk about a diamond in the roughage, huh?

Okay, then we'll keep an eye on... the dog for a while. If the diamond does

up, charges will be dismissed.

Agreed? Absolutely not.

I refuse to wait around with this peasant.

Would you rather rejoin the aristocracy in holding?

Let's go with his idea.

Idea.

Well, why don't you take Henry here for a walk and see if you can get things

started. Right, Your Honor.

If that doesn't work, I'll give him a copy of People.

Excuse me. You, there.

Excuse me.

May we help you? I'm looking for Roz Russell.

And you are? Ruth Russell. I'm Roz's aunt. You've probably heard a lot about

Oh, yes.

I think.

I mean, Roz talks so much about her big family that I'm sure I've heard about

you somewhere along the line. You know what I mean?

You must be Christine.

And I'm Judge Harry Stone.

Oh, that's nice.

Where's Roz?

Oh, well, let's see. The last I saw of Raj, she was headed for, um... Ah, yes.

Strip search, that way. Thank you.

Your Honor?

I took that dog for a walk like you asked me. Did he... The eagle has not

landed.

Well, it's got to happen pretty soon. It's been over seven hours since he ate

that diamond.

I know.

I figured you might just want privacy, so I put them in your office.

My office?

Well, at least you didn't forget the newspapers.

I can't believe you people would make a star read like this.

I have work to do on a very important part.

You have work to do on a lot of parts, babe.

I love brute.

Fine, wait here. I'll see if Jabba the Hutt's available.

You know, darling, if you was to drop the charges, I might make it worth your

while.

You mean... Ever make Boomsie with a star?

I'd rather make Boomsie with Big Bird.

She's here?

Harry, I need the day off. You want to spend some time with your aunt? I want

get the hell away from her.

Why don't you want to see her?

Because she's always bugging me about getting married. Trying to fix me up.

Passing out my picture and...

wait to hear about your life in the big city, living alone when all of your

friends are married with families.

It's so nice to see you haven't changed.

And you too, baby.

I only wish I could stay longer than tonight.

Gee, what a shame. Oh, don't feel sad.

We'll have plenty of time to talk over dinner.

Actually, Auntie, I can't wait to talk to you either. Oh, that's fine.

Then I'll see you at nine.

Could you take these old files down to the shredder?

Sure. Ah, thank you.

Or you could just tear them up right here.

Okay, Big Mac, set them up, knock them down. Yes, sir. People versus Vargas and

Griffin. Mutual assault at a dance contest.

It's amazing.

It is amazing.

booking, they've danced through holding, and now here we are in court.

Who is this annoying person?

Bobby Baumgartner, the bomber from W -E -G -E Wiggy Radio.

What's this all about?

Well, sir, apparently the defendants have been dancing for the last four

Still trying to work up the nerve to ask her back to your place, huh?

It's a dance marathon, Your Honor. It's for charity.

Well, after 94 hours, a contest dwindled down to these four contestants, and

they started a fight during a cha -cha. Cha -cha!

Who started the fight?

They did, Your Honor. They tried to trip us.

Liar! They're the cheaters.

They made the room spin and slapped us with fish.

Miss Sullivan, am I missing something here?

They are a little disoriented, sir. After all, they've been dancing for four

days without sleep.

This might sound silly, but isn't that kind of dangerous?

Hey, that's half the fun.

I'll shut up now.

Would it be too much to ask you folks to stop? Oh, sir, sir.

The proceeds go to a very good cause, and my clients are 90 minutes away from

breaking the world's record for dancing. If they quit now, they'll be

disqualified. That's right. They'll lose their place in history and also their

trip, if they get it, to wonderful, sunny, fun -filled Acapulco.

You don't get a whole lot of oxygen in that radio booth, do you?

sake of charity, we'll continue the case and let them finish their dance.

Good news, it's been held over and the beat goes on.

Your Honor?

Yeah, Bull, how's it going with the dog?

No luck yet, sir.

He doesn't seem happy with his surroundings.

Yeah, just our luck we end up with an animal who's particular about where he

relieves himself.

Well, it is a big decision.

One time when I was camping...

How's everything?

Great. I like my job. I have plenty of hobbies, and I go out with friends every

weekend. Thank God I came when I did.

But that's all right. Don't worry. I've got the perfect man for you.

Really? I can get my own date.

Nonsense. If you could get a man by yourself, you'd have one, wouldn't you?

Buzz, I've never... I heard you let somebody talk to you like that. Why

you stand up to her?

Not that simple, Christine.

When I was 10 and my mother got sick, Auntie Ruth came and took care of us.

Mama always said if it wasn't for her, we never would have made it.

Well, Roz, you can show your appreciation, but you don't have to let

all over you.

Roz, you need help with your makeup. I want you to try this new eyeliner.

You know, Ruth, nowadays men seem to like the natural look.

Funny, I don't see an engagement ring on your finger.

I beg your pardon? Well, the way you talk, I would think you were an

on men.

You do know how to please a man, don't you?

Well, I do make a pretty mean chocolate chip cookie.

I think I'm going to go now. Bye.

Hey!

Well, Chuck, hour 95, and both couples are holding up very...

with less than 30 minutes to go to the record. And as they say in Acapulco, 30

minutos.

What's that, Jack?

Yes, I'll knock that off. Oh, just a minute.

Problems. Oh, my star, she's down.

Oh, the tragedy of it all.

To come so far. Oh, hold on. He's got a new partner. A brand new partner, and

he's a cutie.

Could you please let me go? You don't want him to go through that whole week

vain, do you?

Well, no, that's good, because he can't stop for anything.

Evidently, that includes a shower.

This food is positively proletarian.

If you don't like it, maybe we could talk to the chef. He could cook this up

you.

You gorgeous kiddos.

You remind me of my seventh husband, the Baron.

Rest his soul.

Yeah, what happened to him?

He died the way all men dream of dying.

Taking love to me.

My God, that would generate 40 pounds of pressure per square inch.

50 if I stretch first.

So, darling, care to try your walk?

Ron, this young man is just perfect for you. I'll call him. I can have Dexter

here in 10 minutes. No, I don't want to meet any Dexter.

Why?

Because I got a boyfriend.

You have?

Well, why haven't you ever mentioned this before?

Never came up.

Well, I'm glad you've got a boyfriend.

Of course, there's no way I'm going to leave you now.

What?

I'm not going to budge one inch until I can meet him.

Ross, I need to get those bail receipts.

What do you know? He's here.

So this is your boyfriend?

Yes, he is.

Aren't you Mac, sweetheart?

But, but... What's he saying?

Buttercup.

That's his pet name for me.

Pet name?

Roz? Mac?

You look like you could use some coffee.

Ross, what the hell is going on?

Look, just shut up and pretend you're my boyfriend. I'll explain later.

I don't want to lie to your aunt.

Do you want to go through life with one kidney?

Ruth, you mind if I join you in Buttercup?

Would you please tell him I have to get back to work?

Well, you can quit, but if he doesn't finish, then he's going to lose the

thing. And he'll be sent on the road to L.

But nowhere.

Hey, would one of you please dance with this guy?

I'll pay you.

Oh, I get it. You'll have cheap sex with a stranger for ten dollars, but dancing

is against your principles.

You know, he's never going to do it with you staring at him.

I thought you said that thing was going to help.

pressure. We've got to get his mind off of it.

Ah, okay.

So, Henry, is it true that poodles are easy?

Here's one of Ross at nine months. Oh.

Do you see that cute behind?

Auntie Ruth, would you please not show those pictures?

I think they're cute.

But I guess we've seen them enough.

Let's talk about you two.

How long have you been seeing each other?

A couple of months.

A couple of years. A couple of years.

Last spring.

Yeah, yeah, right. Last spring.

Well, that's a long time. I hope you haven't been indulging in premarital

relations. The hell no!

Because I don't believe it's a good idea outside marriage.

So you are thinking of marriage?

Well, no, not really. Oh!

Well, I mean, we're taking it one day at a time. Oh!

That is, until that blessed day.

And just when might that be?

Well... We haven't set a date. We just talked about it. Yeah.

I thought so.

You want to get married?

Sure. Good.

What the hell was that?

It was good enough. Not for a rustle.

When your sisters got married, the men got down on their knees and proposed

right. I know because I was there.

Now, you're going to need this.

I always keep one for these occasions.

I don't know how you're going to pull this off with more power to you.

Well, it appears like number 12 is... Well,

how does it feel to be the only couple left with a chance to break the world's

record? Exciting, isn't it?

Chuck, it just doesn't get any better than this.

news, Your Honor. You mean Henry? Yep, right on the Enquirer.

Good choice.

Was a diamond in there?

We'll know in a minute, sir.

As soon as I examine the evidence.

Wish me luck.

Sasha?

Yes, darling?

I just have one question.

What you did with your late husband, did you ever do it with anyone else?

A few times.

Did any of them survive?

Only John Vane.

But he never walked the same.

you got a chance to finally meet Max. Yeah, and don't worry, Aunt Ruth. You

relax and go back to Chicago knowing that I'm going to take care of your

Rosicans.

Oh, I'm not worried.

Because there's no way I'm going to let this marriage happen.

Why not?

Because he's not good enough for you.

What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you? She had to practically drag that proposal out of

obviously you don't believe in marriage. The hell I don't. I have been happily

married for five...

Just what is going on here, Rosalind Jane Russell?

Uh -oh. Sorry, Roz. When they start using three names, I'm out of here.

Look, the truth is, I asked Mac to pretend to be my boyfriend.

And just how long did you think I would go for that?

I don't know. Do you have a brain in your head?

Look, I... Why would you even consider doing such a foolish, stupid thing to

you off my back?

Do you remember who you're talking to, young lady?

Look, Aunt Ruth, I don't mean any disrespect, especially after everything

done for us.

I tried to help. And you did.

When we were little and you came to stay, you were a godsend.

But I'm not that little girl anymore, and I don't need to be rescued.

Don't you want a husband, child?

Well, when Arsenio's ready, I'm ready.

But until then, I'm not going to get married just to have a man around.

Look, Auntie, I'm sorry I misled you.

I've always tried to do what you wanted me to.

But from now on, it has to be what I want to do, too.

Now I remember why you've always been my favorite.

Why is that?

Because you're just as pig -headed as I am.

Don't get mushy with me now.

So, are we friends again?

Well, we will be as soon as you give me my ring back.

Your Honor?

Pay dirt.

You got the diamond back.

Yes, sir. All 34 carats worth.

Oh, good boy, Henry.

And what should I do about this other stuff?

Uh, I'll tell you what. Why don't you give the ring back to Madame Minkoff and

consider the rest yours.

Gee, thanks.

Mr. Kuderko, you're free to go now that Henry has.

Oh, thank you, Your Honor.

Let's go, Henry. Henry! Hey!

That dog got my ring!

Don't worry. I'll get the dog, you get the airwhip.

All right, everybody. Less than ten seconds to go to the grand finale and

all -time record.

So let's bring it all home as we kick up those heels with a...

Polka! Five, four, three, two... Hey, you!

Oh, no!

One more second and they would have won it.

Oops.

Well, thank you for the tour, darling.

Well, now can you see why I don't date the guys from work?

Well, they're not all that bad. That was a nice one in holding.

He's in for murder.

Well, if you're going to shoot down all my good ideas, I might as well go home.

Oh, hey, Ruth.

You got your ring back.

Managed to pry it out from between Henry's teeth.

It's okay if you don't mind a little doggy snark.

Thank you.

Well, what's up?

Elevator stuck?

Yeah, I can't get downstairs to give Sasha back her diamond. Well, maybe we

should call maintenance.

Okay.

No, it seems to be working now.

Hello, darlings.

We found you diamond.

Oh, who cares about that stupid rock?

Dad?

Harry?

You okay, Dad?

Fine.