Original subtitles

Oh, Ross!

Rossalyn Rossal!

Come on, Ross!

Be a sport!

Smile!

I'm warning you, Bull, get that thing out of my face!

I hate having my picture taken.

Really? Since when?

Since somebody told me my baby pictures look like Slappy White.

I'm sending a tape to Mom.

I thought I'd show her the real nitty -gritty of my work -a -day world.

Look, Mom, here's that Formica pattern I've been telling you about.

Fascinating as the table is, don't you think your shots lean a bit on the dull

side? Oh, I got plenty of action, Harry. You should have seen the fellow

scramble when I took my zoom lens into the men's room.

By the way, this came for you. Thank you.

Probably a big merci beaucoup from a special someone.

How do you suppose she got your real name?

You guys want to hear it? No, not particularly.

Okay. Dear Dan, I want you.

I dream about you.

Every since the day goes by that I don't want you.

I today, pig face, sign the Prince of Death.

Come on, Dan. You get death threats all the time.

Yeah, didn't you get one last month from that senior citizens group?

Gutless geezers.

I mean, what are they going to do, stone me with prunes?

This guy is serious, Harry. Look, I mean, he even included an itinerary of

every move.

Do you really see an herbal sexologist?

Yes.

Crazy maniac. He's probably got his beady little eyes on me right now.

I'm looking for Fielding. He's got a gun!

Eat me, Sprozo!

Oh, geez, lady, I'm a cop.

Ah, you must be Detective Giuliano.

I'm Judge Stone. The lump behind the sofa is Dan Fielding. And, of course,

you've met the lovely and beguiling Miss Sullivan.

Charmed. Well, I'm really terribly sorry, but it was an honest mistake

considering the way you're dressed.

I mean, look at you.

You... You have doggy -do on your shoes.

I'm undercover. I put it there.

I thought Dan might feel better if you took a look at this.

Dear Dan, thy pig face. Yep, looks like our boy, all right. Ex -con by the name

of Norman Snipe.

Norman Snipe?

No wonder he calls himself the Prince of Death.

Well, apparently he came through your courtroom about three months ago.

Attempted murder?

Enormous buck teeth.

Oh, that enormous, Snipe.

Yeah, yeah, well, it seems he's very sensitive about those teeth.

Is there any chance maybe you made some comment that might be construed as

unkind or insensitive?

Oh.

Maybe I might have said something he misinterpreted.

Such as, Snipe, you're lucky you haven't been shot for the ivory.

And Mr.

Thinskin takes it the wrong way.

Well, no wonder he turned to violence.

All his life, people have focused on his physical flaws and failed to see the

real human being within.

Let me guess.

You sleep with stuffed animals, right?

I don't see what that has to do with anything.

Could we please get back to what's important here?

Me.

Keep your pits dry, Fielding.

As long as Tony Giuliano's on the job, nobody's going to lay a finger on you.

I'm the best.

I'm the best.

I'm the best.

What a conceited jerk.

I hope he falls flat on his face.

Well, thanks for the concern.

What are you staring at?

You have a post -it on your butt.

Shouldn't you be over there protecting Dan?

I got it covered, Sullivan.

Believe me, after ten years on the streets, I know creeps like Snipe and

they think.

Oh, oh, like I don't?

I suggest you hang around this courtroom for a while and see the kind of scum I

deal with every day.

Call the Sisters of Mercy and Father Ryan.

know if you need any backup.

Oh, Mac, say it ain't so. Not another senseless bingo riot.

Well, Your Honor, actually, the sisters were about to board a train for a

weekend retreat when Father Ryan here discovered a portable TV in their

belongings and confiscated it. They insist on watching Hunter.

Your Honor, Father Ryan believes television to be a cesspool of

immorality, and indecency.

It's even better if you got cable.

Like Fred Dreyer.

He makes Charlton Heston look like a wuss.

Where's the TV now?

In a locker in Grand Central Station where it can rot for all I care.

I'm willing to go to jail for my principles.

Be a pity to miss that Notre Dame game this weekend.

They were on the tube?

Maybe we could work something out.

You bring back the TV and I'll dismiss the charges.

All right.

Case dismissed.

But we're staying here until we get it.

You don't trust a priest?

We're still waiting for the kneeling that he promised us four years ago.

What a shame.

Dan just threw his away.

All right, wait a minute. Look, what if...

The nutty assassin doesn't do the job here. I mean, what if he waits until I'm

home in bed?

Don't worry, I'll be there with you.

Hey, you've never seen me in my baby dolls.

You make death seem attractive.

As you can see, Mom, that cupcake looks mighty tempting.

But I've cut out the sweets until I'm regular again.

Maybe I can help you with this little project of yours. I'm a bit of a

cinephile. In fact, back in college, I shot some amazing shorts.

No offense, Harry, but that's nothing I want to show Mom.

Excuse me, but this is where I usually sit.

Oh, pardon me.

I guess I didn't see your place card.

You are going to eat that cucumber?

No. Would you like it?

Yeah.

Please, allow me to introduce you to a handy little gadget.

Oh, I've seen one of those.

In fact, why don't you just use it on my entire salad?

I don't want it anymore now that you've got your filthy undercover cooties on

it. You're going to eat that, right?

in every man.

And then, in a classic noir oma, I reveal the symbols of the modern

civilization.

Sorry, I was getting etiquette lessons.

I demand a lawyer.

You ought to demand an orthodontist.

I would like to handle his defense, Your Honor. Oh, perfect.

That's fine with me. How's it sound to the Prince of Death?

I don't know. Has she gotten any better?

Hey, Bucky, you ought to be glad to get anybody after you threaten the life of a

well -respected public official like me. Who do you think is going to represent

you?

Maybe you didn't hear the question.

Here we go.

Mi casa es su casa.

You can use the phone, but don't feed the armadillo.

I'll let myself out.

Have a seat.

I'll call headquarters for a ride.

Why don't you just tie a rope around his neck and drag him down there?

That's telling him. You have gotten a lot better.

Oh, look, Sullivan, I think I can handle this phone call by myself.

Oh. I have no intention of leaving you alone with my client. You're violent,

you're irrational. Yeah, I'll hold. And you owe me $2 .65 for a salad. Are you

kidding me or what? I am perfectly willing to throw in the roll.

I don't believe this.

Here.

The pointy end goes towards the prisoner.

Here, here's three bucks. Keep the change.

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? Then you could hold that 35 cents over my

head for the rest of my life.

My gun, please. Yes, I'm still holding.

Well, I can't understand you.

Try taking the donut out of your mouth.

Your change.

Are you happy now?

I'm ecstatic.

Well, thanks for the hardware.

Now I can finish the job on fielding.

You do, and you can just find yourself another attorney.

I'll keep that in mind.

Arrivederci!

What a day not to wear my underwire.

Why didn't you tell me you could do

that?

That's Sullivan. We're next to the boiler. Nobody's going to hear you.

Well, somebody ought to be down here any minute.

This is the records vault.

You think so, huh?

Elvis.

Guess you don't know that version.

Turn it off unless you want to spend the night trying to pass a lens cap.

Yes, ma 'am.

Ross, have you seen Miss Sullivan? I can't find her anywhere.

We've got bigger problems.

He's back.

death right in the face and brought it whimpering to its knees, it makes you

realize there's nothing left out there to fear.

Ha!

Oh, great. That was my

Bloomingdale's card.

What do you think you're doing?

Talking here.

Well, the heat never affects me.

You know, before you get any ideas, I just want you to know I have never been

attracted to macho types.

Oh, my.

You know, they really should be missing us soon.

Unless, of course, Dan's already been killed, in which case they won't be

thinking about us.

Oh, God, this is all my fault.

No, it's not.

Oh, you're just saying that.

I wish.

I made a cardinal mistake for a cop.

I let myself get distracted.

By me, I suppose.

Yeah, by you.

You remind me of an old friend of mine.

Mario.

Mario? Yeah, he and I used to mix it up pretty good. I'd say yes, he'd say no.

I'd say black, he'd say white. Just like you, he was a great pain in the butt.

Oh, God, I miss him.

Well, maybe if you were to work on your people skills, you would keep your

friends longer.

Ten years ago, he was shot to death by a mugger.

Oh.

Sorry.

Yeah, me too.

After that, I gotta tell you, finishing up my master's degree at NYU didn't seem

so damn important anymore.

So I enrolled in the police academy, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Master's degree?

Yeah, English literature.

At New York University?

Yeah. The one with all the big buildings and the ivy.

Yes.

Prove it. What?

Prove it. Recite something. Hey, I don't have to prove it.

I knew it.

All right. All right. Fine.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Its loveliness increases.

It will never pass into nothingness, but still will keep a bower quiet for us

and a sleep full of sweet dreams and health and quiet

breathing.

Gosh, I love Shakespeare.

It's Keats. Oh, right.

Boy, it is getting warm in here.

So, why does a guy like you who loves poetry want to risk his life on the

streets every day?

Because every time I put some creep away, I feel like I'm making a

Hey, I like working for the good guys, Sullivan.

I like thinking that because of me, maybe somebody else's best friend makes

home in one piece.

Do you always put this much feeling into everything you do?

Hey, I'm Italian.

Besides,

What's life without passion?

Nothing.

The boiler room was exciting.

Wait till you see the records, Paul.

It's where I come when I'm in the mood for flamenco.

Yikes! Sorry.

Guess I'll be looking for a new dance spot.

say something?

No.

He was bull.

Oh.

Help Dan.

He's fine and you're back and you're safe and you're wet.

He's in his office.

Not anymore.

By the time the guys from security got up there, he was gone.

Damn, I better find him before Snipe does.

Roz, if you find Dan, hold on to him.

Okay, but just so you know, I don't take a bullet for any man.

Unless, of course, it might lead to something.

Like that hickey.

Well, sir, if you won't be needing me.

looks like your lipstick was put on by Picasso?

Well, there is a perfectly logical explanation for it, sir. You see, we

trapped down the records vault and it was, well, it was really hot down there.

That's it?

Pretty much.

Well, that's perfectly understandable. In a time of crisis, some people rise to

the occasion.

Others run down to the basement to play kissy face.

to bother you, Your Honor, but it appears that some hooligan has stolen

Catherine's personal effects.

Oh, what kind of low life would filch something from a nun?

I have a confession to make of a very personal nature.

Oh, well, why don't we come and sit down over here, my child?

Thank you, sister.

Oh, I am ashamed to say that I have just had an impulsive carnal liaison with a

man.

About this liaison, I need details for true forgiveness.

I don't know where to start.

Were you naked?

No.

No.

We just... We just kissed.

Oh, I see, my child. Did he stick his tongue down your throat?

What? Did he make balloon animals out of your panties?

She did, Fielding. Now say your prayers.

Help!

Now this doesn't mean I've changed my mind about television.

I still believe our faith is nurtured through peace and tranquility.

Help!

He's got a gun!

That's it, Fielding. You can't call Norman snipe names and live to brag

it.

Just a little something I picked up watching Hunter.

Oh, damn. Thank God you're safe.

You can get up now.

Yeah, I know. I was just hoping to catch a little peek.

No,

then, young man.

That is stolen property you're wearing.

Well, technically, it's borrowed.

Don't we just have a chat?

Wait a minute. You're out of your jurisdiction, you know. I'm honest.

Okay, let's go, Snipe.

Detective?

Um, before you go, I'd just like to say that what happened downstairs, you know,

was totally out of character for me.

I know. I mean, if the truth be told, no offense, but you're not really my type.

I know. So I think it would be best if we just...

talked it up to, oh, one of those crazy things and went along our merry way.

Agreed?

I'll call you tomorrow.

Okay.

Well, Mom, that's pretty much my day here at Criminal Court Part Two.

Shoe shine stand.

Good night, telephone.

Good night.

Oops!

Well, I thought we discussed this.